I'm married, but i feel like a single parent. is this normal?

Ann - posted on 12/21/2012

I should have added this to the other response.

Have a sit down conversation with your husband, after the children are in bed or when they are sitting quietly nearby. Explain to him that you understand he worked all day, so he is entitled not to be "jumped on" or enlisted to be hands on the moment he comes through the door, so he is to take 30-60 minutes to go up stairs, take a shower, and decompress. Then, he is to come down stairs and take the kids off of your hands for the same amount of time to give you a chance to do the same.

I don't have any suggestions about when you guys will have dinner.

I have ideas concerning time management, but you don't want to make it so easy, your husband doesn't have to invest some sweat equity into being an involved dad.

Ann - posted on 12/21/2012

I live in New York. My married daughter lived in NC. She was due back at work the next week from maternity leave. She was faced with the heightened emotions of having to leave her daughter for the first time with her paternal cousin, when she called to tell her she wouldn't be able to babysit for her..she found a full-time job. This set my daughter into a talespin of emotion and drama that had her calling me crying. It turns out she told her husband and all he said to her was, "you'll figure something out". lol.

I listened to her cry and wail and bemoan fate and when she quieted down enough to hear me, I said to her, "welcome to motherhood". You see men want babies but don't feel they are responsible for them...that's woman's work.

Here is the advice I gave to her that day.

Yes, you are a married woman and a new mom. You must always consult with your husband about things concerning your child(ren), then you make your decisions like a single parent. Your husband is never ever going to do anything to mitigate your responsibilities as a mother. He doesn't care and though you will in time help him to care and beyond then you are to always decide based on being a single parent.

Shauntee Marie you are a married single mom. Welcome to reality.

Shell - posted on 12/20/2012

Susan.... trust me. I HEAR YOU! But after reading so much (books written by men and generally professionals) about how men and women are different, I have a new understanding. They are not internally built the way we are. And I would love for my hubby to read these books too, but it ain't gonna happen so I read short clips to him to help him get ME!! I'm just very happy to have the man I have, and to have an understanding that is more profound than even he will ever realize.

And yes it can be frustrating. Trust me... he is still a man!! And that is why I have my best gal pal to rant and rave to who actually does understand me! Because... I really don't think most men could. But my hubby does try. Doesn't always succeed, but he does try. And yes.... I feel like I'm raising a 6 yr old and a 30 yr old. It can be so very trying at times!

Susan - posted on 12/20/2012

Shell, I hear what you are saying.

I agree that we should appreciate all the people in our lives who do right by us and our family but not get them to do what they should be doing in the first place.

That's the frustrating thing - because of course in a healthy relationship we should appreciate each other, but in my view it's sad when positive feedback is a tactic used to bring up one's husband as though we were raising a child.

Shell - posted on 12/20/2012

Yes, Cyndi I totally agree. Another thing men THRIVE on is ... being appreciated!!! If I don't notice that my husband washed the dishes or vacuumed or picked up his wet towel in the bathroom like I've asked a million times.... I hear "didn't you notice?" So I thank him for working so hard at work, for taking out the trash, for making the bed (when he does it once a year) for unloading the dishwasher (even if I can't find half the dished the next day)... I thank him for changin my oil.... And that in turn helps him do more for me because I notice, and that makes him feel good doing it for me. It won't happen automatically the first time, but keep it up and he will be LOOKING for ways to get your appreciation!

Cyndi - posted on 12/20/2012

I feel your pain, I've been there, but having been both married and single as a parent, I can honestly say, sometimes you don't realize what they are doing for you until they stop doing it. l so often as a single parent the ex not only doesn't help, he actively tries to sabotage your efforts. I'm learning what you concentrate most on , you attract. Instead of complaining about his lack of helping, try to notice something however little that he did to help, and thank him, and make a big deal about him doing that. When he sees you really appreciated it, see if he doesn't do more nice things to try to illicit the same response. Also, be sure you're encouraging your kids to help, and taking time for yourself. You can only give what you have, it's important to take little breaks doing things you like, it's like refueling your emotional gas tank.

Cikku - posted on 12/14/2012

Sadly most men if not all really suffer of idiotic prideness - myself included sigh - we know its stupid but we still feel too prideful. If it was me perhaps you could go around it if my wife became really sad and cried (without shouting or nagging - and false tears count too). Perhaps I am too sensitive and always fall for that but after much grumbling like an old dog I would accept to go to counselling - just a hint perhaps it would work.

Mary - posted on 12/14/2012

Well said Susan Morris I agree totally, if this was the situation in most homes woudn't life be so mch happier.

Shell - posted on 12/14/2012

Thank you Cikku! I appreciate that very much!

Susan that is highly possible. The problem that poses is getting him to a psychiatrist or a doctor to properly diagnose! Maybe he would be willing, but again it may take that "shock" action or statement to get him to realize that his family is more important than his pride!

Good Luck Shauntee Marie --- You deserve happiness and sometimes men need to have it spelled out for them. And he may not know how bad it really is unless you shake it up a bit.

Cikku - posted on 12/14/2012

@Shell Belle - that was a great post and one I am proud I have read. It was very balanced, wise and thoughtful and I agree 100% in it and in your opinion,

You did not get a man that does everything perfect (especially the mess on the kitchen floor were I can really relate) but it really seems to me that you have found happiness in the middle ground (well some patience always come in doesn't it :) ).

Happiness is all that counts in the end and you should be very proud of what you have in your life.

@Shauntee Marie - ask him (remember without shouting or nagging and expect him to look you in the eyes when replying) about it, if anything is wrong but put it clear that you can do whatever to help him but he needs to carry his weight. A single member of the family has no right to ruin the happiness of another member/s.

Susan - posted on 12/14/2012

Shell:

I wonder if something else is wrong, like maybe he is depressed or something. I mean I would want to rule it out. When people are depressed they don't always know it.

Susan - posted on 12/14/2012

Not this woman!

Shell - posted on 12/14/2012

Cikku.... I hope it doesn't appear that we are all man bashers, I think many of us have made statements about men being different and suggesting books to read etc. But one of my biggest things here is that he doesn't feel it necessary for him to pitch in financially. That is kind of a red flag to me. That isn't normal is it? I mean isn't it a man's nature to provide and take care of his family ( I know this doesn't naturally mean to him to help around the house) but it surprises me that he doesn't care if HIS children have a christmas or not and leaves it up to his wife to figure out. Tell me... Isn't that a bit weird????

I love my husband,... he is a beer drinking football watching, nodding when he hasn't heard a word I've said, oblivious to his sox piling up on the floor, making a mess of my kitchen floor by eating w/o a plate or making his lunch for me and getting cheese or lettuce all over! But I love him dearly and he DOES want to provide for his family financially, working on my truck changing my oil rotating my tires. And he is oblivious to household chores.... So I make a list of things to get done and miraculously we work together and those items get crossed off and we can spend an hour on the couch watching tv together or laying in bed reading.... or NOT reading *wink* My point is.... that to me is normal. This guy... seems lazier than most and it doesn't seem like he cares as much as he should to me.

I DO NOT want them to get a divorce unless absolutely necessary. I don't really believe in it, but she is not happy and he doesn't seem to CARE. I hope that she gets his attention and he does an about face and they make it work. But the first thing is the guy has to CARE. IMHO.

Cikku - posted on 12/14/2012

Ok why women go for the bad guys

http://www.divinecaroline.com/22064/7055...

http://extreme.mobile.msn.com/living/Lov...

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/The_7...

Just 3 of millions

Susan - posted on 12/14/2012

And this is awesome:

http://sociologicalimages.blogspot.com/2...

Susan - posted on 12/14/2012

Cikku: This article puts it better than I can:
http://voices.yahoo.com/women-find-men-h...

Cikku - posted on 12/14/2012

I guess then your comment will really help the troubled person that posted this thread in her personal life.

Quoting "A "real man" pitches in, respects the contributions that his partner makes whatever those contributions are, and doesn't act like a spoiled child.

Then a real women respects the contributions that her partner makes whatever those contributions are, and doesn't act like a spoiled child even if they are very few and far between?

There is nothing sexier than a man with a broom, a diaper or a frying pan in his hand." - I asked my wife and she begin to laugh at me, you are joking right? Then why do women like bikers like Lorenzo Lamas? He sure ain't got a broom or dish in his hand.

My opinion for the woman who opened this thread, find the middle ground. Sometimes you go better and sometimes he goes better but as I see it, you are way below the draw line currently so be straight without shouting and nagging and try both of you (much more him than you as it seems) to figure it out.
By middle it is meant as not how a woman sees it or how a man see it but how both see it at the same time. You will fight sometimes and you will laugh sometimes but in the middle ground, at the end of the day you will feel happy and fulfilled and that is what counts. There is no perfect partner but there can be a good partner and that is what you should strive for.

I wish you the best of luck but at the end of the days remember once again that those that are born as circles do not die as squares and happiness can be found anywhere if people look hard enough for it.

On another more positive note, I am learning a lot from these thread about how my wife thinks so I can try to come to better middle grounds with her.

Susan - posted on 12/14/2012

Cikku:

There are male artists, engineers, landscapers, architects and so on who who place tremendous care into the details of their work. And yet they can't respect a partner's preference for how things are arranged in the home? They can't work together with the partner so that things run smoothly because males do things differently? That's not "being male," that's saying that you do not respect your partner and what she does. That's saying that the quality of the work in your paid job matters but the work done in the home does not deserve the same respect.

No one is asking or expecting anyone to be a puppet. We expect adults to act like adults. Take responsibility. Be attentive. Be sensitive to the culture of the home. And stop making excuses. When men make excuses why they don't help, or help halfheartedly, or they don't care about the quality of their efforts and say it's because they are a man, they don't look like men. They just look like silly, helpless children.

Cikku - posted on 12/14/2012

I am quite astonished by the answers. Was this thread opened in order for you to help solve your families problems or was it opened in order for everyone to blame the man (incidentally all from women)?

I mean I know from were you are coming with your words and it irritates my wife no end but do you or anyone else in here really believe that women do nothing to irritate men?

It is common knowledge, men do not notice things around them in the house. We do not take 'moron' pills as a very intelligent and wise person suggested, it is just the way we are. Why? Because men do not give that much importance to how a cushion is put on the sofa or things like that. Do women notice how sports and sports players are interesting for men? No, it irritates us but we do not make a storm out of it like some women do on their small things like our small things.

As far as I know, in a family there is a queen and a king and not just a king only or a queen only. Quoting here "Women don't naturally, automatically notice what needs to be done. They LOOK. We walk through the house, front to back, imagining we are a guest in the home, spotting areas that need work, and tackling them!" I just asked my wife if it is true and it is true.
She told me that she does that in other people's home. You know what girls? We men do NOT care what we find in other people's home. Is that so hard to get that we are different from women in the bad and in the good?

I help around the house, dishes, hoover, cooking, washing, you name it but I do these things in my way and not in my wife's way. The same as I do not expect my wife to follow my methods in doing her things.

You got a husband that does not help around? Kick his a*s like he deserves but do not expect to make him your puppet, clone or servant as eventually you will get fed up of such a man.

I am not saying this out of disrespect to women or anything but as long as my wife hold up her weight in the family, I love her unconditionally with all her short comings and all. Is that so hard for some women to do?

BTW I go to my wife to ask her if anything more needs to be done and she tells me no as I believe she forgets that I am not a mind reader.

At any rate regarding this thread problem, FIND A MIDDLE GROUND. If he does not want to carry his weight, shake him up with separation threat, if he still is lazy dump him. After all, those that are born a circle do not die as squares.

Susan - posted on 12/14/2012

I agree with Shell. He really does sound more like a child rebelling against his mother. Maybe he needs to grow up before he's ready for a real relationship.

Shell - posted on 12/14/2012

Julie... I think as sad and scary and maybe out of character for you.... you have to say/do something to get this ding-dongs attention! I think you are on the right track to bring up that if things don't change you are moving out. Then give a timeframe... and by golly if it doesn't change then you up and move in with your folks or friends for a time and see if that doesn't turn his head. And I'm betting that it will. Because he will know u mean business now instead of thinking "oh she is pulling the same ole nagging crap" and just wishing you would be quiet instead of taking you seriously! And if that doesn't work.... Then you my dear are better off without him at this point. It seems he is just an extra mouth for you to feed! GOOD LUCK!!!

Susan - posted on 12/14/2012

Hi Julie: I really think it has to do with male/female roles in our society, the way we grow up and watch the relationships between our mothers and fathers, etc. Men tend to want to marry someone who will replace their mothers in terms of certain home comforts. I know that sounds icky, and I know it doesn't make it right.

Julie - posted on 12/14/2012

@ Susan Morris

I loved your comment - not to be disrespectful to Cikku. I've been told the same by many men ("hubby's" friends, male relatives) ......... which kind of makes me wonder if - and I REALLY don't mean any offense by this but it won't seem that way ....... do many men wake up in the morning and take "Moron" or "Oblivious" pills?

I think that working nights shifts and sleeping all day has provided my "boyfriend" with an "exemption" to participate in household chores and parenting. On weekends, when he isn't working, he may take a Sunday, plop his body on the sofa and sleep off and on ALL day long! This is very irritating but if I say anything......I'm the A-hole because he needs to "stay on schedule". I know...B.S. My schedule runs 24/7 and I RARELY am able to even have a nap - even with the baby is down for one because there's so much other stuff to be done.
As previously mentioned, when he IS home (and working on something in the garage) and I need to run out and don't really want to bring the kids, HE will even suggest for me to call one of my nieces over because he's "too busy". Sometimes, though, he does surprise me and will sit in the house with the kids - awake! - if I'm not gone too long. Very, very rare though. Regardless, it's these moments I feel a heart attack coming on from shock. LOL

Okay, Cikku >> spread the word to all the husbands & fathers you know (include mine - I'll give you his contact LOL). Tell them to give their heads a shake, open their eyes and act as intelligent as they claim to be. Men rarely read instruction manuals to assemble items or ask for directions on the road, so WHY on earth do they needs instruction & direction to do a little housework (which they would miraculously know how to do if they lived alone) and to help with parenting (which they would also miraculously do if THEY were a single parent)?? They put the burden on the wifes/mothers of their children and then have the nerve to call them "control freaks" and wonder why they are so upset about things. Ummm.....squeeze me??

Susan - posted on 12/14/2012

Cikku: You are an adult. Your partner is not your mother. Women don't naturally, automatically notice what needs to be done. They LOOK. We walk through the house, front to back, imagining we are a guest in the home, spotting areas that need work, and tackling them!

Why is it the female's responsibility to go the male in the relationship, ask for help, make sure they ask properly, make sure they ask for the right things, and so on? The man in the relationship is an adult too. They are BOTH responsible.

Why don't YOU go to your partner and say, "Honey, I'd like to be an equal partner in the responsibilities for making our home and raising our children. What can I do? Where can I start? Which chores do you dislike most - I'll do those!"

Why don't YOU make up a chore list for YOURSELF, and then go to your partner with it, and say, "What do you think about this? Will it help?" And then DO IT!!

Why don't YOU say, "Honey, I just cleaned up the kitchen. Please let me know if you'd like me to do something else."

Why don't YOU start a conversation with your partner about strategies for raising children, the best methods for getting the house clean with the least effort, and how much the two of you will spend on Christmas?

What is this, "Never increase a workload on short notice"??? Are you a delicate flower? Do you need handling with kid gloves? If work needs to be done, do it, no matter how much of it there is, and don't complain. Then the two of you can enjoy your well-managed home and your well-bred children together. And your partner won't be too exhausted to appreciate you.

As far as your comment, "I am assuming you both work the same hours in outside home jobs" what did you mean by that?

Regardless of whether they work outside the home, assume that when your partner is at home, they are working like a dog with the child care, laundry and home making, and assume that when you are home they need your help. If there is work to be done, you need pitch in. Period.

A "real man" pitches in, respects the contributions that his partner makes whatever those contributions are, and doesn't act like a spoiled child.

There is nothing sexier than a man with a broom, a diaper or a frying pan in his hand.

Julie - posted on 12/14/2012

Cikku (and others) ..... first off....we are not married. We have been common-law for over 9 years. I know..close enough, but we are not married - nor do we act like it (kind of). LOL We do work opposite shift; I work 8-4:30pm, he works 3pm - 2:30 am or later Mon-Thurs - sometimes o/t on Friday and/or weekends.

I have tried "asking" him to do the following things: Dishes; says it hurts his back for him to stand there. Hurts MY back, too but they've gotta get done. Vacuuming; never gets done.........by him. Watching the kids while I run errands; he tends to fall asleep & with a one-yr-old that's not good. He's always been bad for that.

Hiring a babysitter is out of the question because I can't afford it. Even when he is home and I need to go out, I HAVE to call my mom, sister or one of my nieces to come over or I have to pack the kids up and bring them there. He doesn't volunteer to care for his own children. In fact I'm quite certain he prefers that he not be there alone with them because that means he actually has to interact or care for them. I know that sounds harsh but after 8 years of this, how can I think anything different?

Communication to him means blame, judgement, guilt, finger pointing so he'd rather twist things around like I'm the a**hole, everything is MY problem to deal with & figure out alone and he's done nothing wrong. He's the nice honest guy who doesn't do a damn thing wrong (though I've had to point out the contrary to him and still......he doesn't admit to anything).

Asked him again if he would be able to help do something for the girls for Christmas because he said before he would. Told him if he's unable to I would take what I had and head to the pawn shop; I'd do anything for my kids. Said I can't not let them have a Christmas; it's not right. His response to me was that it wasn't fair for me to put that on him. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

Cikku - I've been married before. I know all about having to ask and remind and HOW to ask, etc. Even my "current' has pointed this out to me - so I get that. However, what do you do when you follow these "instructions" and still ......... nothing??

Though I REALLY REALLY don't want to.......I'd close to pointing out to him that $1200/month in child support is a lot of money and he better give his damn head a shake before I head out that door. I've been tempted to ask him if I should leave before or after Christmas? Before or after our first son is born? What the hell does HE want? I'm fed up......so totally fed up.

Last night he said how he loves that I'm so negative about everything. I'm not - he just takes everything I say that way. I pointed out that being negative and being realistic about things (one of us has to be) are two different things.

Cikku - posted on 12/11/2012

The same as my wife so I will give you the same reply I give to her.



We are not mind readers and so do not know what you want, we are bad at guessing and when we guess wrongly (which is almost every time), we end up making you more angry so we try to avoid that.



We do not notice things out of place in the house like clothes and so on. It might sound like an excuse (my wife believes so anyway) but that is the truth. Try to ask around and you will know that almost all men are like that.



Solution to all the above problems: Ask him.

If he really wants to help you but does not know what to do, try to fix up a schedule with him on what he does and does not and when. Like for example I use the hoover on all the house 2 times per week + on saturday I wash and clean outside like yard and so on. For example again it is his job to wash the dishes and cook 3 times a week and fold the clothes when they are ready from the washing machine and so on.



Important note: Never ever increase his work load at short notice. We men are very habitual creatures and as thus we hate that. It is ok if that is done like a days notice but if it is done in the same day, we tend to get angry. I know it is stupid but its like that.



In all of the above I am assuming that both of you work the same hours in outside home jobs. If you do not work, that is an altogether another thing.

ASM - posted on 12/11/2012

Unfortunately feeling like a single parent in a relationship is not uncommon. It is a norm for women and if you want something different in your relationship then you must renegotiate the terms of your relationship. Women are often unclear as to what their non negotiable rules are in relationships and while their partners may love or care about them it is often not enough to make them help in a way that is of true assistance in the eyes of their female companions. A great starting point would be to begin planning your life as if you were actually a single parent. If you want to go out with friends hire a babysitter, ask a friend or a family member. Often this is enough to get a partner in gear to provide a bit more assistance at home. Understand that this will not be an easy task to endure because when you start to ask your partner to step up more it can become a battle. If you want something different in your relationship you must be willing to do something different in your relationship.



A. Murphy Sharp (Author of Mrs. Muffin Topp)

MrsMuffinTopp.Com

Rachael - posted on 12/11/2012

Brenda,



I could NOT agree with you more!!!!!!!!

Crystal - posted on 12/11/2012

sounds like my wife lol

Susan - posted on 12/11/2012

I agree with you Bekki. My husband is a good person so it's hard to figure out. He was a bachelor for many years and helped care for his nephews before we were married so he knows about these things and he's not helpless. I really think it's a male/female role thing - men are raised with certain expectations and beliefs.

Bekki Boo - posted on 12/11/2012

I meant us women. Not omen haha

Bekki Boo - posted on 12/11/2012

I'm so sick of men being lazy!!! Mine is the same. They don't need to be asked, they need to just do it. I don't understand these women that make excuses for them. Imagine if us omen did nothing and waited till we got asked. What a joke!

Shell - posted on 12/11/2012

I love Mark Gungor's book: Laugh your way to a better marriage. It has SUCH insight! I'm gonna look up that link. Thanks Ann.

Crystal - posted on 12/11/2012

time to boot him! thats all there is to say

Brenda - posted on 12/11/2012

Men are interesting creatures, they believe that because they provide for you they have no responsibilities at home...I am a stay at home mom of 2 lil ones & I completely understand .. I've even told him that I feel like a single mom at times. All he does is laugh it off...just keep raising those kids they will thank u in the end:)) keep ur head up n keep god first he will make changes for ur marriage:))

Susan - posted on 12/10/2012

Again and again in this discussion, people have suggested talking to him, and that's good advice.



But I think underneath it, the real issue is male/female roles. Obviously, 150 + years ago, the wife was usually either pregnant or nursing, and the world outside was a more hazardous place. So men "had to" go out in the big dangerous world to bring back the necessities and the women "had to" stay at home to care for the children and the home. It was biological.



More than that, ALL the women stayed home. Mothers, daughters and sisters worked together in the home while the fathers, sons and brothers went out.



Since the Industrial Revolution, when it became possible and normal for women to work outside the home, even all these years later, the culture of homemaking is still perceived to be ruled by women. Many of us are taught about the culture of homemaking by our mothers when we are small. Now that we have more equality "out there," and yet most of us don't have our mothers in our homes with us to help us. We NEED more from our partners at home because even with modern conveniences the modern female's workload has only gotten heavier.



It's more than needing help around the house. I think we need the men to share in the responsibility. Sharing in the responsibility results in sharing in the culture, rituals and traditions of home making. When I was a young girl, my mother taught me the "correct" way to fold towels and put them in the linen closet. The reason for her method was that more towels fit in the closet that way. Since I have been married I have never been able to convince my husband to fold towels that way. So as a result, either I have to be the only one who folds towels or the linen closet is a mess and you can't find anything. I opted for the mess because I don't always have time to fold towels. People have said, "when you ask for help, don't nitpick or else they won't want to help." But honestly, it doesn't have to be that way. I've started to approach how we run our home by not just asking my husband for help, but trying to teach him how and why I do things the way I do. Showing him that it does matter, and making sure he knows it's HIS home and HIS culture too. Not just a "woman" thing.

Susan - posted on 12/10/2012

From what I'm reading, it sounds familiar. I think some men figure if they just wait and do nothing, someone else, (the female) will take care of things. Same goes for not communicating, not cleaning, not organizing Christmas, etc. Maybe he grew up with the alpha females taking care of things and then men just go along. So if he doesn't take responsibility for Christmas, then maybe you will. I think it's possible for your man to learn that you are both equally responsible for the outcomes.



Some of my best "talks" with my husband comes in moments. The other day we were out running an errand, and I said to him, "I just want to tell you how I feel about something." I then proceeded to tell him about a situation that bugs me, that other people might not understand unless they are in my shoes. I told him in a way that made it clear that I wasn't blaming anybody, and also made it clear that I understand the other person's point of view, but it doesn't alter how I feel. It took me less than a minute to tell him. He didn't need to respond. He just understands now, that's all. It's those little moments that can add up to a lifetime of shared responsibility and shared respect, not necessarily going out for a Big Talk. Those talks can be a bit intimidating.



So I suggest letting him know that the two of you must equally share responsibility for the kind of Christmas the children have. The two of you share the responsibility for the kind of childhood memories the children have. Make sure he understands that as the adult male of the family the responsibility is as much his as yours, and the two of you must work together.

Julie - posted on 12/10/2012

Hi Ladies........just a little update. Things are a wee better as of late. He's still a little lost but I think he's getting it. A Little. LOL Last week he sent me a text telling me to go to his work and pick up his bank card and "get some damn food in the house". I guess he got tired of being hungry. LOL Our oldest said she needed new runners as there was a hole in hers. He was going to take her but while cleaning our coat closet I came across a brand new pair, her size, that she's never worn. I told her they would suffice since snow will be on the ground soon enough. She was okay with that. Good stuff!!

A couple of times he's asked me to have coffee with him on his break and since my mom is there 3-5 days/week (she knows what's going on) she is more than happy to say, "Go!" because this is "our" time together. Also a bit of a surprise request on his part. I can see that even the smallest effort is a good one.

I told him that our niece said she would babysit on the w'/e if we wanted to go for coffee or something and that I was going to whisk him away for a couple of hours. At first he said, "ok" but then said he was too busy working in the garage. I was very disappointed but didn't make a big deal as I knew he had a lot of orders to fill and parts to make.



We still haven't had a good "heart to heart", and I suspect that this probably will not happen. I have tried but....he's not a great communicator. He would just rather let things sit and hope they fizzle out & everything works out with 0 effort on his part.



After hearing him tell me that he's make an "extra" (almost) $2000 off of the things he's making (little winter side projects) I asked him if that means there will be hope to give our kids a Christmas - even a small one. His response was, "I don't know. I hope so but it won't be much." That was a little discouraging to hear but again, I said nothing. Our daughter was running up and down the stairs on Saturday asking about Santa's email, etc. I turned to him after she left the room and said, "this is depressing me. Are you gonna tell her or am I?" He said, "tell her what?" I said, "that there is no Santa and there will be no Christmas this year." No response from that one. Yet he tells me just a couple of days before that this "extra" money will be good for US. I'm still trying to figure out how the rest of are benefiting. Christmas is two weeks away. I get paid this week but who knows what - if anything - I can do.



Once again.......I am not money hungry; I'm really not and hate to make it seem that way. I figure that if he's not going to help me with housework, yard work, taking care of the kids (except for the occasional "babysitting" - usually after the kids are asleep), then he can at least pitch to help financially since, it seems, that's what HE'S all about lately (and digging himself a hole that I refuse to jump into).



I don't know what the future has in store for us but as it sits right now......I'm still frustrated, I'm still stressed, I'm still not VERY hopeful, and I still have that one foot out the door. Guess we'll just have to wait and see what, if anything, it will take to either slide that foot back in or slide the other one out. He won't listen to me - even when I keep things nice and simple and very pleasant. So, as a precaution, I just keep back a few steps instead.

Tor Akil - posted on 12/10/2012

Men don't take hints very well. If you haven't tried talking with him, ease him into some responsibilities maybe. Encouraging is always better than nagging--so definitely don't start nagging. For some reason men and women feel like complaining will win someone over and make them uber eager to share the wealth. Womanly charms are affective before and after marriage. But don't charm too much or you may have another child to exhaust you (smiles).

Mary - posted on 12/08/2012

To all respondents to this querry

So when is he going to take responsibility for his own life or does he need a mommy too. Must make life really easy for him hmmmmm

Jody - posted on 12/08/2012

Its not trying to be self centered u are expressibg your feelings. If u tried to make him ubderstand then maybe its best whatever u think its best. The way i think is is that what i want for my kids? Thats all that matters and one has to be healthy and happy u gotta take care of urself first in order to care for anyone. Keep strong. :)

Trish - posted on 12/07/2012

7 secrets to a better marriage: http://www.marriagemax.com/success-stori...

Great website!! They have questions you can give to your husband to fill out and its a free assessment of their lifestyle as a husband. I copied and pasted the 5 free assessments into a word document, printed them and took them home and had the hubby fill them out. It worked out great!!! He realizes now that I was doing it ALL! Kids, the house work, cooking, entertainment plans etc. Let me know how this works out for you!

Victor - posted on 12/06/2012

It helps when there are defined assigned duties each has agreed to handle on a regular basis. For example, my wife and I agreed on the following: When we come home, my wife handles the cooking and feeding of our daughter, while I get ready for work tomorrow (shower, clothes, etc..) and then I'll watch her, change her diapers, and prepare her for bed, while my wife get's ready for work the next day. I also take care of our pet, Gizmo, while she puts her to sleep. It's definately a team effort, but guys need to have duties known up front, in black and white, spelled out, maybe even written on a paper and stuck to the fridge, but don't EVER assume we know what our wives want done..... BIG MISTAKE.



Mr. Mom.

Mel - posted on 12/05/2012

i sure know how you feel. I stick it up.. sometimes i wonder if i really am a single . Sometimes i get close to breaking down but i tell my self that nothing is too good for my kids and if i have to do it all alone then the hell.. that is exactly what i will do. That's why we are women.. we can do it all and we can do it better than them anyway. Hang in there sweety

Ann - posted on 12/05/2012

Look up the 'Tale of Two Brains' by Mark Gungor on youtube. You will laugh. It also helps explain alot about how mens minds work. It seems that naturally, we women are the nurturers. Men are more wired with the provider gene. When it comes to kids, if they are screaming, well, that means they are still alive. So, I guess that is good and an accomplishment. lol.

We feel that we shouldn't have to tell our husbands to help us, but truly we do. Taking care of kids to them is: breathing-check, not bleeding to death-check, fed-well, they haven't mentioned thier hungry soooo....

Watch the video. It made me realize that: Yes! I have to tell him where I need help. Yes! I will most likely have to repeat it. Yes! He does care. He wants to help, but he honestly needs a guide. He knows his job. He trained for it. You can't train for parenting. I hope this helps. God bless and know you are not alone. I have felt like a single parent for many years. It wasn't until I found that my husband needed me to take his hand, get him away from the comp or tv, and explain my need nicely that he then saw where he could help. He has been doing so ever since. Lord help them, but they are truly clueless at times. :-)

Desiree - posted on 12/05/2012

I don't know if all the comments were directed to me but they really , thanks ladies!

Kim - posted on 12/05/2012

Hi Gal,



I was or am rather in the same boat as you, according to my husband women must do everything its not a mans job to cook, clean and look after the children.



I was very upset, we have started going for counseling and its helping maybe you should suggest the same.



Hope this helps gold bless

Jeaninne - posted on 12/04/2012

:/ I feel the same way I'm about ready to give up on the relationship && do it all on my own if ur truly not happy && if your husband shows no interest to change what he's doing wrong then maybe going solo would be best but then again I don't completely know ur situation .. Best of luck && no matter what happens keep smiling were strong females && can conquer anything!! :)

Laura - posted on 12/04/2012

Im not much help but I was in the same situation. Try to sit down and talk to your husband about it. I didnt say anything to mine and i reached my boiling point when my son was just 3 months old. I ended up leaving when my LO was 5 months. He will be a year old in a few days and I am now divorced. Best luck and I hope everything works out for you

Debbie - posted on 12/03/2012

OMG i feel like that too!!!