I'm never in the mood.... HELP!!

Erinn - posted on 04/21/2009 ( 21 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married for 3 years in June and we already feel like we've been married forever!! We have 2 young children.. Noah: 3 and Ava: 5 months. They are our world!! My problem is it seems like i'm never really in the mood for sex, and my husband has a very high sex drive!! We also realize that we really don't have anything in common.... basically the reason we got married was because I got pregnant with our son and we wanted to try to make our little family work!! I WANNA be in the mood and feel like there's something wrong with me... the thing is I could go for quite some time without having sex and be perfectly fine! I want my marriage to work and I know that wouldn't be fair to my hubby. Pretty much all our arguing stems from lack of sex and i'm tired: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually!! Any ideas??

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Lisa - posted on 04/21/2009

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Quoting Vicki:

You might also try the herbal supplement "Women's X-Action" made by Nature's Sunshine. It did WONDERS for my sex drive after our daughter was born. Now, it didn't transform me from a "You've got to be kidding!" to an instant sex-craved Aphrodite, but it created a "sex ... hmmm... I could go for that" attitude. Good luck!



where do you get something like that and is it realy safe?  how much does it cost?

Stacey - posted on 04/21/2009

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I understand TOTALLY how you feel. My marriage has nearly been over several times based mainly on this issue. And my husband tells me that the actual issue is that for males, sex is their validation that you love them (which is SO not the female way). My children are 6 & 3 and I'm only just starting to feel like sex again, but 70% of the time I have to get myself in the mood, basically by imagining myself in a fantasy situation that turns me on.
I know this sounds really wrong, but the more I forced myself to have sex, the less I fought myself about not wanting sex. The longer you leave it then the longer your mind fights it which makes it harder for you to make yourself have sex. (I hope that makes sense)
Once your kids are older hopefully things will get better for you. But in the meantime, as well as forcing yourself to have sex, perhaps do little things for your husband that make him feel special, notes in his lunch, messages during the day or even just extra touches.
This is such a hard subject because men do not understand and they don't even try to. Good luck and I hope I have helped at least a little bit.

Carly - posted on 12/13/2012

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check your contraceptive, the injection made me feel that way, and things have drastically changed since I've gone off it

Amy - posted on 04/21/2009

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OMG, I am not the only one! I've been married for 14 yrs, and hubby wants it all the time, while I just get annoyed with the constant "flashing", talking about it, and putting me down for not wanting it. I brought this same thing up to my doc just yesterday, and she said the same thing every other doc has told me. "You're a mom, you're just tired!" But no, I cannot accept that. It's not the fact that I am tired, it's the fact that I never ever want to even think about it. I am on Paxil, which I know takes the labido away, but it's supposed to be one of the better drugs in the sexual area. Still, no desire.



I know i didn't help you at all, nor answer your question, but I just wanted to comment that you are not alone. There are thousands of us out there in the same boat, wishing to be left alone at night, in the morning, mid-day..... lol

Kellie - posted on 04/21/2009

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Erinn it seems like you are not the only one with this problem. I am 21, married, and I have 2 adorable kids. Ever since my son was born I very rarely want to be touched. When I do want to be touched or held I still don't want sex. My husband has tried almost everything under the sun to get me in the mood. Finally sometimes I just give him what he wants without being pleased myself. Luckily enough I have a very understanding husband and I have talked to him how I feel and have made sure he understands its not because of him its just me. I tell him I would love to feel how he feels, but I just guess that is part of being a mother. I feel, for the most part, women are put in mommy mode 24/7. I don't know about anyone else, but having a spit up stain on your shirt, your hair all tangled up, and the smell of a dirty diaper still lingering doesnt really qualify as sexy. I want to feel good about myself when I am being intimate with my husband and its not that easily when I am head to toe a mess. I am a stay at home mom. So unless I am going somewhere or someoe is coming over I am never dressed at my best, my hair is always pulled back, and my makeup is never done. Talk about a nightmare ughh... Anyway so I think that if we could learn how to turn off mommy mode while the kids are asleep and take some time for ourselves eventually just maybe our husbands or lovers will soon enough get what they have been wanting and as for us maybe we will finallybe in the mood for a change... That is just how I feel and hope you can find where you stand and work out your situation from there.

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Vanessa - posted on 04/21/2009

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Quoting Bonnie:

"Women need to feel loved to make love, men need to make love to feel loved." I have never heard a truer statement made in my life. If there is no love and as you say you have nothing in common that is an absolute passion killer. If you are staying together through obligation rather than because you want too or that you see a future with this man you are not doing your children or yourself or your husband any favours at all. You say you want your marriage to work but are both of you willing to work at it. In your case it is him making you feel like his queen, him stepping up so you can get some time out and pampering, him paying attention to you without his expectation of it ending in bed. When you feel that you are important to him and that he values you as a wife and mother then in reality he would get what he wants because you would then want it too. If you want to break yourself done to a physical shell without anything more than a biological impulse I would suggest WYLD for women which is a natural aphrodesiac purchased from any pharmacy. He would then get what he wants and you would benefit because he would "feel loved" and in turn treat you like his queen. It is a catch 22 and it is about giving of your time and his and your energy and his to make eachother feel wanted and valued within the relationship



i totally agree with bonnie.....so true.



thats how it is for us.....i don't feel like it until i feel loved by my man...and needs it to be loving to me. a real catch 22.

Bonnie - posted on 04/21/2009

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"Women need to feel loved to make love, men need to make love to feel loved." I have never heard a truer statement made in my life. If there is no love and as you say you have nothing in common that is an absolute passion killer. If you are staying together through obligation rather than because you want too or that you see a future with this man you are not doing your children or yourself or your husband any favours at all. You say you want your marriage to work but are both of you willing to work at it. In your case it is him making you feel like his queen, him stepping up so you can get some time out and pampering, him paying attention to you without his expectation of it ending in bed. When you feel that you are important to him and that he values you as a wife and mother then in reality he would get what he wants because you would then want it too. If you want to break yourself done to a physical shell without anything more than a biological impulse I would suggest WYLD for women which is a natural aphrodesiac purchased from any pharmacy. He would then get what he wants and you would benefit because he would "feel loved" and in turn treat you like his queen. It is a catch 22 and it is about giving of your time and his and your energy and his to make eachother feel wanted and valued within the relationship

Jocelyn - posted on 04/21/2009

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try taking a maca root supplement. aside from being incredibly good for you, it also helps boost libido (in both men and women) and it increases energy; a major plus! i've been taking it for 8 months or so, and have continued to take it into my pregnancy (it's perfectly safe to use if you are breastfeeding as well)

Vanessa - posted on 04/21/2009

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i hear ya Erinn!!! my children are exactly the same age as yours.

i think what you, i and many others are going thru is totally normal.

thing is with pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and mothering is ALL our hormones are totally geared to the survival and well being of our babies and children. that coupled with the tiredness is not a good reciepe for feeling like a sex godess.

we are all so tired as most of us are mothering in isolation, at home in the suburbs, away from support systems to help us mother our children. and most of us get very little help from other family (such a busy life, my mother works full time).

this isolation leads to things feeling like its all getting on top of you. we are really not supposed to be mothering alone.......and that is exactly why we are all here!!!!!!

for support, for female company, for the sisterhood that gets us thru our childrens young years.

i am struggling with this too, but for me i try to eat well, get outside for some fresh air and sunshine and (this is huge for me) try to have a nice network around you of other women with young children. all these things make me feel better about myself, therefore more likely to want to sex. also, when you do get around to doing it, make sure you are getting your needs meet too, don't just please your partner as this is no fun and feels like a chore. a good orgasm will induce a lovely sleep and make you feel good about your body.

all the best darlin *hug*

p.s. people deficient in zink have a low desire for sex.

Heather - posted on 04/21/2009

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I'm in the same boat, with a lot of you. I had a Freind recomend ST. Johns Wort, it hasn't worked for me yet, but I've had some pretty erotic dreams. What helps is Date nights, and sometimes my daughter is with us, but its about reconnecting and remebering why we fell in love in the first place.

Cassandra - posted on 04/21/2009

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I think birth control really acn make a difference!! when on the pill i had vertually no sex drive, over the period of having Kids (Tod 3 and Perdy 1) my sex drive improved because of no contraception. I have a coil fitted now and wouldnt ever go back!! my sex drive has actually improved!! it is worth a try if it affects you!!

Shannon - posted on 04/21/2009

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I know I don't know your whole situation, everyone is different! I am a mom and I am also 7 months pregnant. It is very exhausting to be a mom. You and your husband have more in common than you think! Obviously, you both want to make things work. You have 2 beautiful children, and you are both wanting to make each other happy. the only problem in this that i can see is that you dont know WHAT exactly would make you happy. You deserve that much in life! But you need to figure out what that would be and from what i can tell, you just need time for yourself. if it involves putting the kids to bed 15 minutes earlier or a half hour earlier so you can have time, do it! They might not like it, but if you dont take care of yourself, you arent going to be the best mom you can be or the best wife. once you start feeling relaxed, you might have your sex drive back. it took me a long time to figure that out. the last thing i will say is that what helped me is communicating with my fiance. he had no idea how i was feeling because i kept it inside. i wanted to be "supermom." I thought i could do it all! When I started accepting help and asking my fiance for help, which believe me, was not easy for a former single mom, he started helping. it made him feel needed and our relationship was better! he paid more attention to my needs which made me want him more than the day i met him! if this doesnt work, i suggest the book called "The Five Love Languages." Hope this helps!

Debra - posted on 04/21/2009

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Drop your kids off at your Mom's of a friends house, pick up an x-rated movie (I liked the unrated version of the movie Damage). Watch it ALONE! Prior to your husband coming home, and see what happens! Also, make sure you go out on a DATE with your husband at least once a month, if not once a week -- it will get different thoughts going! It's important to give your kids your love and your time, but if you lose yourself in the process, then you're setting a bad example. You have to give yourself time to be a woman as well as a mother. If not, what does that say to your kids? Show them you can have it all and then some. I do.

Arryn - posted on 04/21/2009

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Cut yourselves some slack ladies....young children plus exhaustion definitely equals No Sex Drive...I've been there too...My kids are six and three and I would still prefer sleep to sex any day. But sometimes you gotta "take one for the team"...maybe once you get going....??? lol I too read Babyproofing your Marriage....But even finding the time to read when you have a newborn is miraculous if you ask me!!! Good luck!

[deleted account]

My husband and I found the book "Babyproofing Your Marriage" to be very helpful. It was written by moms talking about how there's a constant battle about sex and chores once you have kids. They have some really good suggestions for keeping a healthy sex life. Some of my favorites were to:
1 plan a time to have sex. Yeah, it's no fun but if you plan than at least you have a chance to get mentally in the mood.

2 If your husband is asking for sex then take 10 minutes to brush your teeth and hair, put on something sexy even shave your legs so you can feel more like a woman and not just a mom.

They have lots more ideas and funny stories in the book. Good luck and I hope things improve.

Tiffany - posted on 04/21/2009

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I'm going to keep checking this post because unfortuanately I am going through the same thing. Erinn I understand where you are coming from and my marriage started the same way, wanting to do this right we will br married for 5 yrs. I have a 8 yr old 5 yr old and a 3 month old and I have not wanted to have sex since I was pregnant with the baby. I am very happy with my husband but I am never in the mood, knowing that his primary love language is touch I have tried to push myself to have sex, even to just be intimate with him but it doesn't help.....If anyone has any suggestions or ideas please let us know

Abigail - posted on 04/21/2009

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my hubby and i also got together because of our son. we have not much in common reading this is my life to the tee lol. we just about called it quits because of no sex no common intrest we are so deferent but we love are kids so we are together and working everyday to love and grow togeth. My help to you is to say this find something that you like to do and do it together, then fine somthing he likes to do and do that. even if it is foot rub as you wach the tv, it will help you get in the mood if you are doing things together. pay attention to what puts you in the mood and do that more. As moms we forget that we are a woman whit needs also. as a mom i am never in the mood but when i am a wife that is loved and cared for them i can care for my hubby too. best of luck keep your head up it will work out.



if you are on bc ask your doc if it lowers your sex drive you may need to get a difrent one

User - posted on 04/21/2009

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You might also try the herbal supplement "Women's X-Action" made by Nature's Sunshine. It did WONDERS for my sex drive after our daughter was born. Now, it didn't transform me from a "You've got to be kidding!" to an instant sex-craved Aphrodite, but it created a "sex ... hmmm... I could go for that" attitude. Good luck!

Anne - posted on 04/21/2009

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First off no wonder you are "never in the mood" I do not mean to give you a free pass, but when you are as tired as you are being in the mood is not high on your list of things to get done. Have you discussed this lack of energy with your health care professional? I know after our second daughter I only took 10 days off work. Know before you think I was crazy or a saint, let me explain--- I had Child Care in our home and because I was licensed for 12 children and live in MI I had to have a full time assistant. She was wonderful when the children napped if our youngest was napping so did I. Even then I was dog tired all summer. Being that tire lead to mild depression. Please if you can for yourself and your family see your DR. I hope this helps.

Hayley - posted on 04/21/2009

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I wish I could help you but I am in the same boat, my son is 4 months old and my husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. Right after my son was born and I could I wanted to have sex all the time but now I never want to. He is out of town most of the week and I really want to be able to welcome him home like he wants to be welcomed home, he could have sex 20 times a day I am sure, but I just never want to and most of the time it is hard to make my self even pretend that I want to for him.

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