i'm so frustrated and hurt!!!

Kayla - posted on 11/10/2009

I do not agree with porn. I feel like it IS cheating. I've read on here where some women don't agree and say it's in their "nature" to want to look. This is how I have rationalized it. If my husband were to be in a room while two people were having sex to just watch and never join I would consider that cheating and sitting at a computer watching two and sometimes more people have sex is the exact same thing.

I have had issues with my hubby and still do occasionally. I don't know that you will ever get over the hurdle. We have had the intimate conversations and layed our souls bare to each other over the issue. The fact remains that we have different opinions of it and he has either gotten really good at hiding it or doesn't do it anymore, I don't know which.

The best advice that I can think of is to write a letter to him describing all of your concerns, pain, humilation and feelings. Sit on it for at least a day, reread it and if it still says everything you want it to say, either read it to him or let him read it himself. If he still chooses to break your trust and choose porn over your relationship then you will have to do some soul searching for your next move. Best of luck to you.

Nicole - posted on 11/10/2009

I'm sorry you feel so hurt.. but porn to men is like chocolate to us women.. They seem to just be interested in it, and no matter what, they gravitate towards what they know is wrong. I don't understand the entire porn thing myself, but I got highly offended when my ex husband got into it when I was pregnant.. It made me feel insecure, now I am not married any longer, but if my boyfriend were to watch it, and not tell me, I'd just write it off . Though he has not promised me he would never do it again. I don't think that you were wrong for checking the history on your computer, and if your husband feels so violated he shouldn't have done it. But to give up some of the trust you have for him, I don't know if you should go that far. It's just porn. Atleast he is only watching it and not doing it with someone else. I am not justifying his actions, but maybe give it a few days and then talk to him about it, tell him you are hurt, and ask him not to do it in the house. Try to come to that happy medium with him.

Mel - posted on 11/10/2009

you had every right to check his computer just tell him you checking just proves you cant trust him and that he will now have a very long way before earning your trust back. Smash his computer and dont just let this go do anything to get the msg across. Tell him he is lucky your sticking around after he has lied to you because honesty is the most important thing in a marriage and without that and trust you have nothing he has to learn that. I would suggest though get into watching porn with him if he likes it, it could be fun. My fiance wont watch porn hes 6 yrs older then me and over it now but i still watch it every now and again because we dont have sex very often and he doesnt mind

Carolee - posted on 11/10/2009

Quoting Sylvia:

By the way, to those who believe that porn is some type of "intimacy lite" or substitution for reality, you have missed the point of its appeal to men. Intimacy is NOT the point of porn. Neither is the point to watch women more beautiful than their wives. It is a hobby and a source of stress release for men AND women.
Your man watching porn is no reflection on how you perform in bed. Most men watch porn, it has been around since before the Roman Empire and was put there for them to enjoy. Saying that, don't assume that just men watch porn, because a lot of women do to. Most women won't admit that they watch it and most won't try it, but a lot of women do. I myself watch porn and I see nothing wrong with it. My husband watches porn and we watch it together. We are both very happy with our sex life and have lots of it. But the way I see it is, sex isn't just about penetration and oral etc. It's about variety and finding out what works for you and the other person. Whether its role play, bondage, reading each other bedtime stories, watching porn together, playing sexy games, dancing and grinding together, stripteasing, phone sex, cyber sex etc
Not just because he likes it, it's because I like it and am willing to try new things. It sounds like I am getting sidetracked but the point i am trying to make is, instead of feeling worthless why not go on some internet porn yourself or invest in some rentals from a store near you. Don't just stick to one type of porn, investigate different types. There IS actually porn made exclusively for women, with actual couples engaging in actual LOVING acts. If it is the sheer mechanics (some call it the sleaze) of porn that intimidate, there are plenty or erotic adventure books and Romance novels (yes, ladies - Harlequin Regency's are to women as Hustler is to men!) to be read.
Porn can play the fantasies we dream about but aren't willing to or want to perform in true life.
If you're really not willing to try any of my suggestions then talk to him. You could talk to him anyway. Just take it from me that when a guy watches porn it does not mean you are not keeping them satisfied.

Thank you!!!  After all the comments I read, I'm glad to see another woman who's not afraid to admit that she watches porn!  And I totally agree.  Try new things.  You won't like everything you try, but maybe something you didn't think you liked the idea of will be just the thing you need.  At first, I hated porn... no, I hated the IDEA of porn.  Once I actually gave in and tried watching a few different types, I actually enjoy it.  I don't think anybody should be made to feel ashamed for what they like or don't like.  And, believe me... I'm not judging you, just observing.  It seems like you have a bit of jealousy going on over the "actresses".  I would really suggest going to a sex counselor... just like, if you were having a breakdown of communication in day-to-day things, you would go to a regular counselor.  This would probably get everybody on the same page, and they would have suggestions and exercises for you guys to do together.  Anyways, good luck, and be honest with him at the very least.

Ashley - posted on 11/10/2009

it's porn...so what...alteast he's not out cheating..........

Erin - posted on 11/10/2009

Quoting Amanda:

Okay, I never have time to even look at these Circle of Moms notes, and today I happened to actually click on yours and read it. Don't feel badly for wishing your husband didn't watch porn. Marriages have been ended over this. Here's something that may help, but only if your husband wants to be rid of his addiction. There is a free software available from xxxchurch.com that you can download. All he needs is an accountability partner to use it. Here's the link so you can check it out. http://www.x3watch.com/

Also, have you seen the movie Fireproof? It's a great one about a husband and wife heading toward divorce. (The husband struggles with porn among other things.) If he's willing it might make a nice date night movie for you guys!

Praying for you tonight, and hoping this helps!

thank you for the kind words and yes we have seen that movie and both really liked it!!

Jennifer - posted on 11/10/2009

i believe if he does it now he's always done it and you are married so it all comes with the package for better for worse. If it consumes or interrupts everyday life in some way then maybe he needs help, but other than that a man need his porn time now and then u included or not

Amanda - posted on 11/10/2009

Okay, I never have time to even look at these Circle of Moms notes, and today I happened to actually click on yours and read it. Don't feel badly for wishing your husband didn't watch porn. Marriages have been ended over this. Here's something that may help, but only if your husband wants to be rid of his addiction. There is a free software available from xxxchurch.com that you can download. All he needs is an accountability partner to use it. Here's the link so you can check it out. http://www.x3watch.com/

Also, have you seen the movie Fireproof? It's a great one about a husband and wife heading toward divorce. (The husband struggles with porn among other things.) If he's willing it might make a nice date night movie for you guys!

Praying for you tonight, and hoping this helps!

Laura - posted on 11/10/2009

Quoting Nicole:

Yeah, my hubby and I went through the same thing a few years ago. I was really hurt and felt just like you, only I wasn't pregnant at that time. What i found really helped us out was I wrote him a letter describing how his addiction made me feel. We had lots of talks and some fights too. But once he realized how it hurt me and how it was destroying our relationship, he decided that he wanted to choose our relationship over the porn. It took work, he had to be accountable to another man that we both trusted, and I had to forgive him. There were ups and downs for the first while, but things have greatly improved. He has been "porn free" for over 3 years now. And I know this because of the way he treats me and the way he carries himself.
I am just so thankful that I have / had loving family surrounding me during that time to pray for me and encourage me and be there when I really needed a good cry.

nicole totally nailed it for me lol.. we went through the same.. pretty much exact!! man it was so hurtful and frustrating.. if you're not ok with it then its unacceptable, theres no place for porn in marriage.. sorry but true.. we went through so much crap b/c of porn.. my husband is a great man.. but when we were going through this, i told him that i wouldnt have children with him if he was still going to watch it.. that turned him around completely, i told him that if watching porn was more imp than us then it was a dealbreaker for me and i meant it.. but now we have 2 boys, been married for 6 years.. and been porn free for about 4 years now.. like i said before if you're not comfortable with it, then porn should be gone, there are sooo many bad things that can happen relationship wise if it continues, and as so it happens, im catholic and my hubby is in process of converting and is even more spiritual than me sometimes lol

Kelly - posted on 11/10/2009

I don't get why so many people automatically think it's okay for guys to do this? Such a lie that "all guys do it".
As for your situation the dishonesty and mistrust sounds hurtful. Hope it sorts out okay!!

Katt - posted on 11/10/2009

Porn is porn it's not like he's going out there and actually sleeping with them. I don't see a problem with watching it....people doing it whoopee. If he likes it whatever, the more you don't want him to the more he's going to hide it from you, if you accept it maybe he won't watch it as much and stop hiding it....I hate porn as well but my b/f likes it so whatever it's not like he forces me to watch it with him and like I said before he's just watching not actually sleeping with them and i'm confindent enough in myself that i'm okay with him looking at FAKE girls because he would never be able to get them!! It's not like he doesn't think i'm attractive he just likes watching...I don't see how it's a big deal at all.

Sharon - posted on 11/10/2009

oh puhlease.

EVERYTHING is addicting. Picking your nose, cleaning door knobs, SEX is addicting and there is a group for it all. yes of course porn is addicting. But not everyone is addicted to porn.

Hey once in a while there is a hard crusty booger in my nose and you just have to do what you have to do. Does that make a booger picking addict? Jesus help me, of course not.

Now if your husband were addicted to picking his nose in public THAT would be something to be upset about.

Maybe her husband is addicted to porn. Maybe because she makes such a big screaming hissy fit deal out of it, he feels the need to rebel.

Dorothy - posted on 11/10/2009

ok ladies, Porn IS an addiction.. there is an actual reaction that happens on the cellular level of thier brains. they get addicted to the high, which explains the cover up behavior. Part of the high is the "dirty little secret" they get addicted to that.. the great thing is that you do NOT have to own ANY of it.. seek help when he is ready.. at least get help for yourself.
Our church offers a group for women that have been affected by porn, and groups for the men that are facing their addictions..
When you find out that it is an addiction and treat it as such.. then it's easier to beat.. know the enemy.. and its NOT YOU and it's NOT YOUR FAULT because he is into it..

I used to make excuses too, good luck
It is damaging to you. It IS ok to be upset.

Angela - posted on 11/10/2009

I have to say when I met my husband he did look at porn. But I told him how I felt about it and he never ever looked at it again! Even when a skinny naked women (etc.) I call 'em hoe,bitches) comes on the tv he will turn the channel.. even if there is hoe bitch around he will put his head down....

I hate porn! I know that I can't keep my husband with a blind fold on his eyes he is a man and men do look. But I am glad that he has enough respect for me feelings about how i feel about the whole thing!

Toy - posted on 11/10/2009

yea men like porn..what can u do cant live with them cant shot them.....liten up a little it very nornal sunshine

Kate CP - posted on 11/10/2009

Quoting Erin:

i have watched it with him in the past and i HATED it!! i dont want him looking at other woman in a sexual way and getting himself off EVER!!!
i also feel that it is almost like cheating.....for one, im not there with him its some other woman and he's getting off to it NO NO NO!! not cool at all....

I'm afraid you're going to be sorely disappointed. Do you plan on blind folding him for the rest of his life? If he sees a woman out and about in the world whom he finds sexually attractive there is a good chance that he will use that as a masturbation aid. 

No, not ALL men look at porn. But a lot do, probably more than those who don't. For some people pornography is not something they are willing to accept. However, it is a choice that a responsible adult is allowed to make. Your husband is an individual who has chosen to enjoy pornography on occasion. UNLESS it's an addiction (and no, it is not ALWAYS an addiction) then asking him to never do it again is kind of...pointless. He *will* do it again. You telling him he can't look at porn is (to him) like telling you you can't look at clothes. Why? Well, it's not that he necessarily wants a different woman but he enjoys looking at them. Just like clothes for a lot of women. It's not that we WANT new clothes all the time, but we do enjoy looking at them and perusing the sale racks. 

Sharon - posted on 11/10/2009

Hi Erin,

I've been in my relationship for almost 19 years. Our daughter is now almost 14 years old. I know that my man has always enjoyed watching porn on the screen, much more than I could, would or ever want to. I always seemed to know that there was a difference between the "real" connection that I was having with him, versus the "fantasy" of viewing porn. There have been times that I, myself, out of curiosity explored the sites myself. For us, neither of us feels as if we are cheating on each other when we feel a desire to explore those types of sites. Recently, we have had a show and tell type of exchange when we would show each other what interested us. This makes us feel as if we're exploring this together. Once, I asked him to forward me anything particularly "exciting" for me to watch on my time. Anyway, what I am trying to say is, I don't think of his exploration into porn as a rejection of me. But, there could be underlying resentments towards each other, that you're not openly aware of. This understanding has come to me after many years of a relationship, and I know it has taken us many years to soften our stand against each other. In the end, it's all about ourselves!

Another point I would like to make is that I know how much pressure it is to raise a small child. My youngest is now 13, and every year, she gets more independent. But, when they're little, the depend on you almost all their waking hours. At least it could feel like that, especially with a first child. I know that feeling as if more of the weight of caregiving of our child was more on me, made me less likely to want to respond to his physical needs. I could easily resent that I wasn't getting my needs met, in many ways, and I wasn't about to be so forgiving to let my man "enjoy" himself, when I wasn't included. Let's face it, most men want sex more often than we want to have it or give it. My opinion that they use porn to "de-stress". Unless I was up to the task of making sure I was willing to provide for 100% of his sexual desires and needs, porn is the substitute for not cheating. It is not about love and connection, it's about a man's sexual meter. It needs more filling up more often!

Are you able to pin-point what it is that makes you feel violated by him watching porn? Are you angry that he isn't helping enough? Is it because he isn't giving you enough attention when you are available? Are you feeling "un-love-able" because you are not in your best physical shape after having a child?

I hope that you will be able to find a way to talk about your feelings of what it could be, so you can come to an understanding of how you can both get your needs met, and have compassion for both sides.

Good Luck!

Lindsey - posted on 11/10/2009

we have two daughters and so when my husband tried to watch it I just told him " you know that's somebodys daughter. how do you think her dad feels and would you want someone watching our daughters like that someday?". It completely ruined porn for him

Suzi - posted on 11/10/2009

I don't normally reply to these things but I just felt like I could add my two cents here.

Porn is not the worst thing your husband could be looking at on the internet. He's not out there hurting anyone and he's not cheating on you. I would much rather my partner looked at porn if I wasn't up for sex than going off and looking for it elsewhere.
Admittedly it isn't for everyone, I know a lot of woman who have that whole "It's degrading to women" thing going on but these people are doing porn because they want to, they aren't forced into it.

The biggest problem I see here is that he lied to you, he did raise a trust issue when he said he wouldn't look at it anymore - bring THAT issue up with him and explain why it hurt you so much.

Rachel - posted on 11/10/2009

Porn is not okay and is not something that "all men do." It is wrong, and on some level, is a form of cheating. He is oogling naked women and probably doing nasty things to it. It sounds like he might have an addiction to it, if he is willing to lie to you and break your trust. And, it is never okay to TURN THE BLAME ON YOU WHEN IT IS OBVIOUSLY HIS FAULT. That is never okay, and is often an indicator of emotional abuse. The fact that he is so willing to keep doing something that he knows hurts you sends up a red flag to me. I would highly recommend getting some couples couseling.

Kelly - posted on 11/10/2009

If you have a problem with him watching porn tell him, also you can block it from the computer. Myself, I have watched porn with my husband, and he watches it with out me too. We have been together for 8 years, and have children. It has not hurt our marriage at all, if anything it has helped. Maybe he feels that he is not pleasing you, so he watching it, trying to learn something new. Maybe he is watching it to get ideas on things that he wants to try with you. You would rather him be watching porn than out messing around with other women, this way you know that he is not going to bring something home to you.

there are my . 02 cents, hope it helps

Michelle - posted on 11/10/2009

This is a common issue. The turning it around strategy is common too and a defense mechanism. Yes, you invaded his privacy and yes he did something he promised he wouldn't. You guys have to find a common ground. If he likes it THAT much, would you rather accept it or be lied to about it? My and my ex had a "don't ask don't tell" policy. I knew, but didn't rag him about it, and he never did it with me around. I still didn't like it, but I knew he would just lie about it if I forbid it. If it's truly something you can not tolerate, then you need to decide if it's worth breaking up over. Relationships are compromise and you may not get your complete way on this depending on how important it is to him. I'm not a fan of porn and I think it can cause problems in a relationship, but it does not always have to. When I made a huge deal of it my ex just got soooo much better at hiding it. He found out how to delete history and even saved it in folders with a name I would never check (i.e. taxes 2002) buried so deep it wasn't worth tracking down. I tried not to care as long as it wasn't causing an issue in our bedroom. In some ways, it helped me get more sleep or when I just wasn't in the mood LOL. It's all in how you look at it. You will need to come to terms with exactly why it bothers you and what you are willing to compromise on.

Krystal - posted on 11/10/2009

I'm sorry but i disagree that porn is bad. Its not like he went to the strip club. he masterbated to a woman he will never meet in person. also whos to say hes not seeing you do that to him when hes pleasuring himself?? I am not trying to start an uproar but porn is not for everyone, but it should not be abloished just because its not for you. he was not making you watch it since he knows that you dont like it. he was trying to do it in a mannor in whch you would not get hurt because you would not find out. as yo have already stated he is not addicted to it, so whats the harm in making an agreement that he will never let you find out he did it. i do agree that the fact that he broke a promise needs to be addressed. however marriage is about comprimise and you said yourself that you knew before you married him that he watched it, so now that you married him knowing this fact, you need to get over it. when i was prego i actually caught my husband masterbating to porn, which was rare because he didnt really watch it with out me, and when i got all hormonal and started saying its cause i was the size of a house. he just laughed and said babe look at whats on. much to my suprise it was a pregnant women porn!!! i asked him why he didnt suprise me with it and he responded he was gonna after he tried a few ideas he got from it. i never felt so sexy in my life as i did when i caught my hubby with prego porn!! i thought wow this whole time i'm thinking how can he think i'm sexy with this big oll belly, and this just confirmed what he'd been telling me he loves the fact that i got big just so he could have a daughter. for everyone who thinks its not natural then why is it dated backa s far as we can go back in history. the last of what i have to say is you better take a good long look at why you maried this man in the first place, because even then you knew he watched porn, and that didnt stop you from marrying him, so dont let it be the reason theat you guys split.

Akita - posted on 11/10/2009

Yeah, he lied and broke a promise and that's a good reason to be pissed. But I know a lot of women who wished that their husbands sought porn rather than ____ (well we know what I'm saying). Ya know? Please don't think him watching porn defines your womenhood or his [un] happiness.

Sandy - posted on 11/10/2009

It's not"normal" or natural for a man,all men don't do it,all of theses are excuses. My husband,48,has used porn since he was 12! He tried to quit many times but is addicted. He admits porn kept him from real intimate relationship in his life. It is his problem,not mine. he has been attending a 12 step program for 4yrs. It is a condition of us staying married. i told him in no uncertain terms that porn would not be a part of MY life. The men have to WANT to stop. Make your expectations clear to him,and decide what you will put up with. Best of luck.

Alana - posted on 11/10/2009

I understand that you are taking this personal, but it's probably not as personal as you think. It is a natural thing for any human, man or woman, to wonder. Men watch porn, and women read romance novels, it's not that much different, women just have a better imagination and don't need the visuals, haha.... Maybe if it's not so taboo, he won't want to view it as much. There are videos in my house and things like that, and it's not an issue. Maybe watch one with him, and ask him what the appeal of them is....

Erin - posted on 11/10/2009

i have watched it with him in the past and i HATED it!! i dont want him looking at other woman in a sexual way and getting himself off EVER!!!

i also feel that it is almost like cheating.....for one, im not there with him its some other woman and he's getting off to it NO NO NO!! not cool at all....

Tshawn - posted on 11/10/2009

I feel like porn should not be a big deal... he could have had a female in YOUR house with the doors locked..instead he was just beating off to a computer screen with unrealistic girls.
You should sit down and think about it its not to big a deal and if your so insecure you should consider maybe watchin it by urself and then offering to watch it with him.. better for you to watch it with him and then have amazing sex then for u to feel hurt that hes watching it without you and getting off.
i watch porn with my babys dad all the time. i like it and i like to watch technique we comment on the girls and the positions i think its made our relationship and our sex life just that much better.
hope this helps.

Robin - posted on 11/10/2009

Hi ladies,
I haven't read all the responses, but I tend to agree the most with Sylvia Gibson. I also want to flip the script for you. I am the porn watcher in my family. My husband dislikes it, but I still watch it. It is an acted out novel. Like women who read romance novels, porn watchers just have seen the movie. Porn is not much more than an acted out screen play of romance. There are different levels of porn from very hardcore to softcore and even animated and animated tenticle invasions.
I do not think the problem you are having is with the porn. I think your problem is a trust issue. You violated his trust by spying on him and he lied about his porn watching. He did not have another woman in the room with him while he watched it, nor does he expect you to the things the woman on the video is doing. My mother watches hardcore hentai (animated porn); I know she is not gross and I also know she does not want a demon to come and invade her with tenticles. It is a fantacy, a falsity. Be thankful that he watches porn instead of going to another woman to fullfill those desires. As long as he's still being intimate with you and leading a normal life he is just being a normal human.
Thanks,
Robin

Kristin - posted on 11/10/2009

Looking at other women and appreciating their beauty is one thing, but making a commitment in marriage to be faithful to your wife is another. PORN IS NEVER OK! It is degrading and takes away from the real thing, no matter what these women say about their porn-mongering husbands. It is not the same as blogging or surfing on the computer. It is especially wrong and worrisome if he has to lie about it. Ask him if he can go for two weeks without looking at it, if he can't he is addicted.

Kat - posted on 11/10/2009

My husband looks at porn. I look at it as him playing video games. It is fun for him. He doesn't neglect me or the kids. When he is bored or I "have a headache" he sometimes looks at porn or facebook or reads the news whatever. I don't care what he does on the computer. Your husband likes it. It wasn't a promise he should have made in the first place. That's like you promising you won't blog anymore or talk online about your personal life. You obviously don't see a problem with it but he might. It isn't a big deal and he shouldn't ask you to stop. Him looking at porn is not a big deal and you shouldn't ask him to stop. Just because he looks at porn he is not cheating. I think it is a great outlet for men to relieve themselves if they want to. It is better than going out to get it for real. How is your relationship besides this? Does he always lie to you? It was an unreasonable request in the first place. Get over him lying about it. I've been with my husband 21 years He has always looked at porn. It isn't about your relationship. It is just entertainment. He shouldn't have lied, he shouldn't have made that promise in the first place. He was tired of hearing you nag him so he said OK. He obviously has a communication problem or is just whipped if he can't get you to understand why he does it. Please don't let this blow up. It will be okay as long as he isn't neglecting you.

Beth - posted on 11/10/2009

If your husband truly loves you he should not watch porn. He needs help, if he hasn't now he probly will never change. i would give him a choice porn or his family. He is breaking your heart and your family apart by watching porn. If he was doing it behind your back you got to think what else is he doing behind your back as well.

Jessica - posted on 11/10/2009

Just know that history can be deleted, at least on my computer it can. You have to know from instincts like you said"he was acting funny" thats your clue! You need to get to a point were you dont even need to look at the history, you need to get to a point were you have the trust back!! It will take time but if he really loves you, he will prove that he deserves your trust back!

Jessica - posted on 11/10/2009

I went threw the same thing, he lied once and said he wasn't gonna do it again, but did it again. I told him both times how it made me feel. I told him it made me feel less beautiful and atractive, that when we had sex I feel less confident, that I feel even though he is not cheating in reality.........it still feels like it ! Told him that it makes me sad and feel ugly in his eyes.I broke it down so he would understand. Then I left him !!!! I told him that "if thats what you wants to do then Im leaving and you will have all the time and privicy to do it when im gone!" He didnt want me to go and promised he wouldnt do it anymore , but I still left. It really opened his eyes and made see how it made me feel. We now have the best relationship ever! I know he is not looking at that stuff anymore and I trust him! So I say put your foot down! If he truly loves you and cares for you he will stop because no man can live with out the one they love. While I was gone he could'nt eat, sleep, let alone watch porn!!!! I am so thank full that I did this and how it has helped our relationship. You dont have to leave for long. I was gone a few months but I know that after about 2 weeks of me being gone......he realized how much it effected me. He truned in to a different man. I was his # 1 and that sure felt good to see. I only stayed gone longer cuz I wanted to be sure that this "new Man" that he had become was gonna stick around. He has : ) Hope everything works out for you and your love. God bless your family

Erin - posted on 11/10/2009

Quoting Jessica:

Quoting Sylvia:

I believe that pornography is a natural and unsurprising part of human nature. That being said, if a promise was made, then it should be upheld. I do however, question the validity of making a man who obviously enjoys his 'hands-on' time ceasing something that is so unthreatening in day to day life. Now, if porn is ruining your marriage (ie - he wont come to bed with you because hes watching it, wont tend the baby, wont engage in intimate relations with you, makes snide comments about you in comparison to the fantasy women) then it IS an problem. A better question to ask would be: Why does porn make you 'feel like crap'.
If hes watching it now, then he was probably watching it before you two were married. We can't change the people that we love, any more than we would want to be changed by them, and most women know who the men are that they are marrying. He may feel that you are violating his sacred 'man-space' or personal time, and Im sure that theres a fair amount of resentment attached to that - thus the accusation of invading his privacy.
Most of all....theres a proverb or saying that goes somethign like this "Do not spy on others, lest you be vexed."
Basically, had you not rummaged about to find something to call him on, you may not currently be experiencing such distress. And yes, searching through someones browsing history to find wrongs IS an invasion of mental privacy. Now, I dont intend to sound mean or aggressive towards you - heck, I dont even know you! :) You can take my thoughts or leave them as you see fit, which is only fair.
Perhaps a more non-confrontational approach would be best, for the harmony of your home. We women tend to fantasize more with our MINDS...men are visual. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and to ignore it just invites dissent at home.
And yes, I do practice what I preach. lol
My husband doesnt hide his porn watching activities from me, because I dont make him feel ashamed for his natural urge to fantasize. It doesnt affect me - it only has to do with him, and as such, I consider it none of my business.
I would hate if he could see my brain going everytime I see some man thats drop dead scrumptious. Its just biology.
Anyway, though long-winded to a fault, thats my $.02.
I wish you the best.

I agree that the problem may be more a self esteem and honesty than "blame the porn".  Men watch porn.  Women watch porn (or just read really really smutty novels on occasion).  It's SEX.  I think perhaps the reason he watches porn is the question.  Maybe he just likes it.  As long as it doesn't affect his employment, and he's not watching it after Thanksgiving dinner or anything (you know, with the family present and all.... awkward!) or spending large amounts of money on it... then it's just what he does.

I also agree that you've brought the majority of this stress on yourself by being upset by such a small thing.  It's not his fault you don't like porn.  It IS his fault that he lied; so definately address that with him.  Perhaps a don't ask don't tell policy is needed?  You did invade his privacy, though.  So really I believe the "offensive invasion" score is tied. 

I say if none of the above mentioned things is happening because of his liking porn; then simply pick your battles.  Express how you feel compared to the porn (because that seems to be some of the problem).  9 times out of 10, men don't watch porn because they're thin/blonde/asian/whatever... they just see "Mr. Smith going to Washington" and they're happy.

thank you.

i may have invading his privacy but he LIED to me, that is 10x worse in my book.

plus the history part of the computer is right there, its not like i had to steal his password or anything, i should be able to look at that if i please, he knows he can, i have nothing to hide. plus when my son gets old enough to be on here i will be using that all the time.

Erin - posted on 11/10/2009

Quoting Jessica:

Quoting Sylvia:

I believe that pornography is a natural and unsurprising part of human nature. That being said, if a promise was made, then it should be upheld. I do however, question the validity of making a man who obviously enjoys his 'hands-on' time ceasing something that is so unthreatening in day to day life. Now, if porn is ruining your marriage (ie - he wont come to bed with you because hes watching it, wont tend the baby, wont engage in intimate relations with you, makes snide comments about you in comparison to the fantasy women) then it IS an problem. A better question to ask would be: Why does porn make you 'feel like crap'.
If hes watching it now, then he was probably watching it before you two were married. We can't change the people that we love, any more than we would want to be changed by them, and most women know who the men are that they are marrying. He may feel that you are violating his sacred 'man-space' or personal time, and Im sure that theres a fair amount of resentment attached to that - thus the accusation of invading his privacy.
Most of all....theres a proverb or saying that goes somethign like this "Do not spy on others, lest you be vexed."
Basically, had you not rummaged about to find something to call him on, you may not currently be experiencing such distress. And yes, searching through someones browsing history to find wrongs IS an invasion of mental privacy. Now, I dont intend to sound mean or aggressive towards you - heck, I dont even know you! :) You can take my thoughts or leave them as you see fit, which is only fair.
Perhaps a more non-confrontational approach would be best, for the harmony of your home. We women tend to fantasize more with our MINDS...men are visual. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and to ignore it just invites dissent at home.
And yes, I do practice what I preach. lol
My husband doesnt hide his porn watching activities from me, because I dont make him feel ashamed for his natural urge to fantasize. It doesnt affect me - it only has to do with him, and as such, I consider it none of my business.
I would hate if he could see my brain going everytime I see some man thats drop dead scrumptious. Its just biology.
Anyway, though long-winded to a fault, thats my $.02.
I wish you the best.

I agree that the problem may be more a self esteem and honesty than "blame the porn".  Men watch porn.  Women watch porn (or just read really really smutty novels on occasion).  It's SEX.  I think perhaps the reason he watches porn is the question.  Maybe he just likes it.  As long as it doesn't affect his employment, and he's not watching it after Thanksgiving dinner or anything (you know, with the family present and all.... awkward!) or spending large amounts of money on it... then it's just what he does.

I also agree that you've brought the majority of this stress on yourself by being upset by such a small thing.  It's not his fault you don't like porn.  It IS his fault that he lied; so definately address that with him.  Perhaps a don't ask don't tell policy is needed?  You did invade his privacy, though.  So really I believe the "offensive invasion" score is tied. 

I say if none of the above mentioned things is happening because of his liking porn; then simply pick your battles.  Express how you feel compared to the porn (because that seems to be some of the problem).  9 times out of 10, men don't watch porn because they're thin/blonde/asian/whatever... they just see "Mr. Smith going to Washington" and they're happy.

thank you.

i may have invading his privacy but he LIED to me, that is 10x worse in my book.

plus the history part of the computer is right there, its not like i had to steal his password or anything, i should be able to look at that if i please, he knows he can, i have nothing to hide. plus when my son gets old enough to be on here i will be using that all the time.

Erin - posted on 11/10/2009

ok, i've read through all of these posts and thank you ladies for taking the time to click on my question and helping answer it, i really appreciate it :))

my husband like i said watched it when we first got together 7 years ago, and a couple times i watched it with him, (was not my thing i hated every minute of it but he wanted me to so i did,) and after the first big fight when i was preggo then he stopped and thats when he promised me, he hadnt watched any until the other day when i caught him.

i know he doesnt have an addiction to it.

i dont agree when ppl say "men are visual creatures". my husband married me not someone else, he shouldnt be looking at another woman naked in a sexual way EVER!!!! the thing that makes me angry is the trust thing, he broke that and it will be hard for him to regain it. he knows he messed up. he appoligized so i will try to forgive him, and he even said hes ok with me looking in the history section of the computer, so thats a start right?

thanks again!!

April - posted on 11/10/2009

I whole-heartedly disagree that you should "spice things up in the bedroom or make a video of your own." If a man cannot respect you, then the last thing you should do is have sex with him. I think you should have sex with him only if he has the utmost reverence and gratitude for the supreme gift of yourself that you are giving him.

Jessica - posted on 11/10/2009

Quoting Sylvia:

I believe that pornography is a natural and unsurprising part of human nature. That being said, if a promise was made, then it should be upheld. I do however, question the validity of making a man who obviously enjoys his 'hands-on' time ceasing something that is so unthreatening in day to day life. Now, if porn is ruining your marriage (ie - he wont come to bed with you because hes watching it, wont tend the baby, wont engage in intimate relations with you, makes snide comments about you in comparison to the fantasy women) then it IS an problem. A better question to ask would be: Why does porn make you 'feel like crap'.
If hes watching it now, then he was probably watching it before you two were married. We can't change the people that we love, any more than we would want to be changed by them, and most women know who the men are that they are marrying. He may feel that you are violating his sacred 'man-space' or personal time, and Im sure that theres a fair amount of resentment attached to that - thus the accusation of invading his privacy.
Most of all....theres a proverb or saying that goes somethign like this "Do not spy on others, lest you be vexed."
Basically, had you not rummaged about to find something to call him on, you may not currently be experiencing such distress. And yes, searching through someones browsing history to find wrongs IS an invasion of mental privacy. Now, I dont intend to sound mean or aggressive towards you - heck, I dont even know you! :) You can take my thoughts or leave them as you see fit, which is only fair.
Perhaps a more non-confrontational approach would be best, for the harmony of your home. We women tend to fantasize more with our MINDS...men are visual. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and to ignore it just invites dissent at home.
And yes, I do practice what I preach. lol
My husband doesnt hide his porn watching activities from me, because I dont make him feel ashamed for his natural urge to fantasize. It doesnt affect me - it only has to do with him, and as such, I consider it none of my business.
I would hate if he could see my brain going everytime I see some man thats drop dead scrumptious. Its just biology.
Anyway, though long-winded to a fault, thats my $.02.
I wish you the best.

I agree that the problem may be more a self esteem and honesty than "blame the porn".  Men watch porn.  Women watch porn (or just read really really smutty novels on occasion).  It's SEX.  I think perhaps the reason he watches porn is the question.  Maybe he just likes it.  As long as it doesn't affect his employment, and he's not watching it after Thanksgiving dinner or anything (you know, with the family present and all.... awkward!) or spending large amounts of money on it... then it's just what he does.

I also agree that you've brought the majority of this stress on yourself by being upset by such a small thing.  It's not his fault you don't like porn.  It IS his fault that he lied; so definately address that with him.  Perhaps a don't ask don't tell policy is needed?  You did invade his privacy, though.  So really I believe the "offensive invasion" score is tied. 

I say if none of the above mentioned things is happening because of his liking porn; then simply pick your battles.  Express how you feel compared to the porn (because that seems to be some of the problem).  9 times out of 10, men don't watch porn because they're thin/blonde/asian/whatever... they just see "Mr. Smith going to Washington" and they're happy.

April - posted on 11/10/2009

I understand how hurt you must be. And I'm so sorry that we live in a culture that accepts porn as "normal" and "okay." I think porn is extremely damaging to marriages for a couple reasons. #1 How can a man truly respect and reverence his wife, when he clearly demonstrates that he thinks it's okay to view women as objects for his selfish pleasure. Women are not objects and should never be treated as such. #2 I think porn trains a man to be unsatisfied. I mean, they're viewing these women that are airbrushed, possibly surgically enhanced, and altered to look just so. What real woman actually looks like that? No one does! The only acceptable response from men in regards to women is that, when tempted to lust (that is view a person as though she is a thing) is to practice reminding himself of the truth. That she is a person, with a sacredness and dignity that is never to be exploited. And we, as persons possessing such dignity, should never settle for anything less. There are a lot of articles that I think would benefit you on christopherwest.com. Particularly I think you might be interested in this one: http://www.christopherwest.com/page.asp?... and this one as well: http://www.christopherwest.com/page.asp?... Okay and this one: http://christopherwest.com/page.asp?Cont... I believe there are also resources for men dealing with addiction to pornography there.

Hope this helps. And I hope that your husband will one day view you with all the awe, love, and reverence that is your due.

Peace.

Maggie - posted on 11/10/2009

men are visually stimulated. Looking at this stuff has nothing to do with you. You should definitely not ignore him/give him the cold shoulder. This will only make him mad and he'll keep going back to the computer to get what he needs. Something is missing! I'm not sure what your relationship is like but being mad at him isn't going to help. I suggest counseling. I also recommend reading The Five Love Languages. Maybe you just need a little help to get back to where you need to be as a couple. Having a baby is really tough on a relationship and maybe he feels left out. Men are like big babies and they need lots of attention - when you have a baby the attention goes to baby and he might be feeling neglected. Talk to him about it!! (btw, totally not saying this is your fault in case you were taking it that way. Porn has nothing to do with women/wives/girlfriends.)

Erin - posted on 11/10/2009

I fight w/my boyfriend about this all the time. He swears he's not fantasizing about other women but I don't understand how it's not that when you're watching another woman and getting off. I think it's terrible that they do this kind of thing. I mean, why couldn't he have just waited until that night when you had free time and done something meaningful w/you? It just doesn't make any sense. You aren't crazy for feeling the way you do and, coming from experience, I'm sorry you're going through it. I think you should tell him about how you don't trust him as much anymore and if he tries to bring up the "invasion of privacy" bit tell him that if he wasn't hiding things from you then you wouldn't feel the need to resort to such measures. Maybe tell him that as partners you aren't supposed to keep secrets like that and see if you can come to some kind of common ground. Try hard to keep it a discussion, not an attack, so he won't retaliate. Remind him that you love him and you don't like fighting w/him. I don't know if it will fix it but maybe he'll be able to explain to you why its so necessary for him?

Erin - posted on 11/10/2009

i can completly understand how you feel...i wouldnt neccesarly take it personal..dont think that you are not good enough cause i am sure that you are...even though a man will have a beautiful wife and the sex is great..men are visual..they love to watch women in sexual activity..why do you think they can get excited over pictures in a playboy and when women see a naked pix of a guy we just look at it like any other pix..they love to watch and see every detail of sex...now another thing that they WONT admit to you.(cause everyman has to be supior and is just naturaly great in bed..yeah right..lol..) is that besides just watching..alot of times they are trying to pick up on some "new moves or techniques"..things like that..but like i said they would never admit that...now if he try's to compare you to some of the girls in the porn,,, something like "honey why cant you do that"..than yeah i would be furiose..but if its just an inocent watch and he isnt masturbating to it...(wich all men still do even if they are married)..i really wouldnt be to botherd.just say "fuck it"..so if he is a good husband and his good to you..even though you dont like it i would try to get passed it maybe agree to certain time frames that he can watch it..just think he could be doing worse like goin out an cheating so in a way be happy that he is just at home watching porn....lol....good-luck with everything

Heather - posted on 11/10/2009

One thing everyone needs to realize here is that porn isn't for everyone. It's not for me, but it may be for you. Because I don't get into porn that doesn't mean I'm wrong, it doesn't mean I'm not into different things. What's good for one person is not always good for another, and it doesn't make someone bad if they do or don't like it. Everyone has their own taste in things and I can respect that. I sold adult items for years, I don't anymore, but that taught me how different everyone is. So am I bad b/c I don't like it or appreciate it...NO!! Are you bad b/c you like it and enjoy it....NO!! It's all about what the person likes and the couple agrees on. If you find it disrespectful for a partner/spouse to watch porn then it is your right to talk to them about it! How else are you going to make the relationship work if you can't talk about things that concern you. A relationship is work and communication every day. And yes I've tired porn on more than one occasion, still not for me. Do what you think is the right thing to do, talking to your husband or looking the other way, that is entirely up to you, and you have the right to do it.

Fanny - posted on 11/10/2009

I truly feel for you. It is horrible to have to go through that, to me it's degrading, humiliating & just disgusting!! Men don't seem to see it the same way unfortunately. My advice to you is to go online and get one of those protections against all these sort of websites with pornography. I got something like that a few years ago & it was only like $6. a month so it's really cheap & totally worth it, specially if you have kids who can use the computer & don't want them to accidentally open up one of those sites. Good luck!!

Dana - posted on 11/10/2009

I just have to say that I am of the same mind set as Sylvia! Porn doesn't have to be a bad thing.... it can be a learning tool too! I have even bought porn for the hubby as I believe all guys should have porn. Don't get me wrong I don't think they need to watch it 24/7 but it is a healthy way for them to relax. When I was younger I had a bf who wanted to watch porn together and I was creped out and asked him why?

He thought it would spice things up and give us ideas of what we may or may not like to try in our relationship! So I gave it a shot! Wow..... are they ever crappy story lines! It was funny more than anything and we laughed together about how bad porn movies are!



All I'm saying is you might not find what he is watching is so bad if you offer to sit and watch one with him! You might not like it..... but it might lower his need to do it behind your back and he might not watch it as much! Let's face it men are big kids and when they are told you don't like them to do something they just want to do it more! Hey if nothing else you might learn something new that you might like or that he might like but feels weird about asking to try!

Keep smiling. :o)

Marcie - posted on 11/10/2009

Porn is an addiction and you wont be able to help your husband unless he addmits this. Addictions are huge problems to families like drinking, drugs, video games and so on. They stimulate a certian part of the brain that needs the fill and then there fine. When a man or women feels strong feelings of having to watch porn its an addiction and needs to be addressed. I agree it can be hurntful for a women to find out hes watching porn. Depending on your man and the person he is that will depend on what you should do.. he has to admit its a addiction and understand why it hurnts you and the negative effects it has on people google this and maybe by educating him hell understand its not mentally healthy to watch porn.

Sharon - posted on 11/10/2009

I'm sorry Erin. Its sexually harmful & destructive? How many years have you been married?



From my own personal stand point - its done nothing but enhance our relationship. My husband never neglected me sexually. Never committed adultery. Never did anything more than ask "do you think we could do that?" Or sometimes "do you think we could still do that?"



We've been together for nearly 16 years. Porn has always been a part of our lives. Not a big point but its been here.



Addiction > as the years have gone by he and I watch less & less.



That isn't to say it can't be bad. Anything taken to extremes is bad.

Karisia - posted on 11/10/2009

Erin, don't let anyone (especially your husband) tell you that porn is natural or o.k in anyway. It is one of the most sexually harmful and destructive thing anyone can do to their mind. Ever since the introduction of the internet to the general public it has gotten out of control. The truth is it is an addiction, and a very powerful one at that. My husband struggled with it for many years and once I found out we started to deal with it and address it as the serious addiction it is. My trust and heart was broken, and I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. Things are much better in our marriage now and he is so glad to be fighting off the addiction that was poisoning our marriage. Your husband needs help to overcome this addiction, and you have to make sure you approach this in love and with a desire to help your husband get better. Please check out these two links for more info and help.
http://www.lightedcandle.org/r/
http://xxxchurch.com/

It will take time for you to trust him again, just keep fighting for your husband!

Erika - posted on 11/09/2009

Erin, Sometimes when we are upset about this kind of thing (been there!) it's easy to focus on being righteous about an "obvious wrong" to point out (that he didn't keep his word or that he tried to deflect to another issue), rather than the root of the problem. We tend to do this especially when what's bothering us is more emotional than logic-based. I find we cling to the fact-based argument thinking it will be easier to get across or better received. However, the reality is, if we aren't being honest about the problem, we can't really hope to find a solution. So don't be afraid to focus on what it's really about - know that an emotional need is just as valid as a logic or fact-based need, and address first what bothered you first (i.e. the failed promise was an outcome of the behavior that is problematic to you, so address the behavior first, and then the failed promise, but separately).

So basically, if you are like a lot of us, the fact that he didn't keep his word (although a valid concern) is most likely not the root of your hurt/anger/frustration - probably the more significant factor is that he's interested in objectified random women and/or sexual acts. Now, if you are clear about why porn a big deal to you (e.g. sense of moral injustice for women abused and taken advantage of in the industry, OR fear that he compares you unfavorably to porn stars, etc.) and can articulate for him how and why you object, perhaps he will be able to understand and respect your position. If you could get to that point, is there any chance you could live with the difference of opinion in a way that it wouldn't be a source of strife in your marriage? - Perhaps each finding a way to respect the other; him demonstrating his interest is in moderation and not a substitute for interest in you, keeping it to a minimum and low key, and in turn you accepting his discrete recreational use of porn (in reasonable amounts and in a non-threatening context)?

The thing is, if he doesn't reform his opinion about what porn signifies, all momentary good intentions aside, he'll most likely seek it out again, and if you then continue to make it a marriage issue, he may protect himself in the relationship by devising ways to hide, lie, and be devious about it. Then the porn really WON'T be the problem, it'll degrade to an underlying lack of trust, mutual respect, and understanding on both parts.

You can only control and manage your own choices and behavior, and setting "rules" for him clearly isn't the solution. At this point, trying to reach understanding together and accepting compromise is one path that may allow you to refocus on more critical elements of your relationship and life together. The alternative could mean escalation, the worst-case extension of which could mean that this becomes not A marriage issue, but THE marriage issue, and a lack of understanding and agreement on it boxes you both into opposite corners, to the point of no return.

Best of luck however you decide to manage this. And kudos to you for persisting in the discussion with your husband - being ready and willing to address it rather than have a lurking unstated problem is a great thing in any relationship.