i need advice for helping figuring out something with my 4 year old

JoLyn - posted on 08/12/2010

A little concerned about some of these suggeations. Soup cans, shoes, standing in corners? Really? These are children, not small adults. The goal is to raise productive, self sufficient adults, right? Give your son chices. " You may stop.....(screaming) (whatever) or go to your room until you are finished." Would you like milk or juice with your lunch? My point is , give him two choices, either one you are fine with. He has some control over his choices and you get what you want. Do not give fits any attention. When my daughter "chooses" to have a fit in the family room, I gently, without saying a word, help her to her room. I tell her "feel free to come out as soon as you are finished. I hope you stop soon because we will miss you". When she comes out I simple say " oh good! You are back! We missed you" and we go on about or day. No lectures no crazy fights. Now when she gets upset, she goes to her room on her own and comes back when she is done. REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS......

Amanda - posted on 05/06/2010

i was told to do this by CAS

Shana - posted on 05/06/2010

Oh I have also done the time out thing but I say send him to his room for time out. I think making a child that young sit in one spot like a chair in the middle of a room is and unreasonable request. they have so much going on in that little head of theirs. They probally forget about 2 mintues after you have told them. I say only do this if you are willing to sit there with them and place them back in the chair everytime they get up or else this will not work.

Shana - posted on 05/06/2010

Wow it seems you have alot on your hands. You ever wonder does he do this just to get a reaction out of you. Try no paying any attention to him tantrums, he will find another way to get your attention. He might scream louder than usual just walk around him. Tell him you will talk to him only when he will listen queitly. he will rather sceam until he falls upsleep ( Which wont hurt him and it's bad for you or stop screaming so you will pay him attention) I did this with my daugther who is now 7. when you wanted to scream I would tell her go and sceam by your self and when your done let me know. She would sometimes scream for an hour and then she would call me and say "Im done now" we would talk about that was not the right thing to do and go on about our day! Try it......

Lynette - posted on 05/06/2010

I read the post about the soup cans....your kidding right? Don't do that with your son in my opinion that is very close to abuse.

Lynette - posted on 05/06/2010

don't let him get away with it. If he is in time out. He must sit in a certain spot for no longer than 4 minutes without a fight. If he keeps getting up then you must keep putting him back. Eventually he will realize that you're the boss and behave. Be prepared it may take a while. He should never ever ever be allowed to disrespect you. If you don't get a handle on this it will only get worse.

Fiona - posted on 05/06/2010

Hi Ashley, yeah I dunno about the soup cans, would not work with my boy as anything i gave him would be pelted back at my head. :)
Star charts are great. I have had huge success with them. Get a nice big piece of paper (I use old manila folders) and use the kids pencils and draw 5 boxes. I usually do three rows of 5 boxes so we are reinforcing the message. At the end of each row is a treat - ours at the moment is aquarium, big park and polly pocket doll. Stick it up on the wall in the kitchen. Explain that certain behaviour gets a star - doing what mummy asks for example. Get five stars (make a big fuss of putting them up) and he gets the treat. The hard part is getting the first star, but once they get the first one, face lights up and they start thinking about how to get the second one. I never take them away, some mums do, but what I have in frustration said "dont forget that mummy can take away stars". Its rather counterprodutive though as they usually then cry about the stars...!

Just a couple of other things - is he getting lots of run around free happy time as my girl started going stir crazy around 4 and became difficult if she did not get out for lots of running. And also are you letting him have some choices in his day so he does not feel that he has no areas that are his, if you know what I mean. I don't mean big things but sometimes "do you want to wear the red shirt or the green shirt" can make them feel very grown up and in control. I dunno, just some thoughts...

Amanda - posted on 05/05/2010

it could be due too jealousy, try involving them more with helping you with the baby, eg, helping by getting a diaper, or hand you the shampoo at bath time. there is a fairly nice chart, kelso's choices, you can modify it if you'd like. Reward systems, eg. extra 10 min at the park one day, or a few extra minutes before bed, just make sure that with having the baby you make sure you have some one on one time with the other, that may help

Ashley - posted on 05/05/2010

okay some people do stuff different. i know people that have there kids hold up shoes or something like that. i don't want my child to be stronger than i am. which is almost already is. the behaviour chart sounds good but i'm still not sure how to to go about doing it. i'm not sure if he's doing out of jealous of his new baby sister either

Jennefer - posted on 05/05/2010

I think the key is consistency, but I think you need a great plan. Get a couple of books on discipline- I can recommend " How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and "1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas W. Phelan. Also, "The no-cry discipline solution" by Elizabeth Pantley is good, too. I think the key is to re-set old patterns and establish trust with your kid. Then when you need to discipline, you can be kind but firm and you are modeling the kind of behavior you expect from him.

Amanda - posted on 05/05/2010

another effective punishment is holding soup cans out at arm length for as long as he can tolorate, however this meas he will get stronger and strnger, just be conistent, my 5 yr old does the same, ive enrolled him in behavoir managment, it will get allot worse before the behavior gets better, just be prepared to see the devil in your child in the first 3 months of being consistent

Louise - posted on 05/05/2010

Stand firm. Warn him if his behaviour continues like this there will be consequences. If you have warned him and he continues make him sit on the bottom step for 1 minute per year of age. If he moves put him back. Make a chart for good behaviour and put stickers on it for good behaviour and when he gets to 10 do something nice like go to the park. If he plays up take stickers off. Children love reward charts and they enjoy sticking their stickers on themselves it gives them a sence of achievement. Do not give in and let him off when he misbehaves and don't be to stingey with the rewards either Finding a happy medium is the key. Hope this helps!