I need advice on what to say or do for friends who just lost their twins 2 weeks before she was due.

Jessica - posted on 01/06/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )

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friends of ours have suffered a catastrophic loss and I have no experience with anything like this...I know the basics of grief but this seems so much more I want to be sure I don't say the wrong things. any advice is appreciated.

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Trenda - posted on 01/06/2010

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I delievered a gorgeous little boy named Nathan stillborn at 38 weeks. Unless you experience it yourself you will never know how much we grieve. Losing a family or friend with normal life losses is one thing, but this is completely different. You take the total blame that you did something wrong or you didn't do enough. My best advice is to be there and listen. The parents need assurance that it is ok to lose it. They need to cry, scream, and hate everything in life before they can recover. I had one good friend that made me talk about him. Forced me to talk how he looked, did I hold him, did I talk to him, and where I want to go from here. I really believe she was my strength to survive. I didn't need to be pacified that things happen for a reason, because grief won't accept that. Just be a real truthful friend, and in return they will thank you for being there. It gets rough before it gets better.

Emer - posted on 07/09/2010

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just talk bout her babies say there names even 6wks 6months or 6 years down the line talk 2 her bout them let her talk even if shes repeating the same story over & over coz i no iv been there lost my 1st born a wk before my due date, visit the babies grave with her, u seem like a great friend she will really need you now because this is a sad lonely& scary time 4 ur poor friend xx

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Andrea - posted on 07/09/2010

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My best friend lost a baby while she was in labor. This happened a year before I met her. The only thing I can suggest it be there for her. Just let her know if she needs anything your there it's going to take time. Make sure that you do check on her. My friend got bad she got really depressed and won't even get out of bed for days at a time. Her husband was upset when it happened but he got over it quicker than her and he couldn't understand why she was depressed and why she couldn't just move on with their lives. It caused a huge strain on there marriage that they never was able to fix. Every thing Jen Hauser said it the same thing my friend has said to me any times. She also told me at first ever time someone ask her how she was, or the her she can always have more she want to punch them in the face. Of course she never would have but that how she felt. A couple days before his birthday(the day she lost him) she gets really quite and withdrawn from everything. It took me a couple years but I have figured out that if I bring up his birthday before she does that it mean more to her. I think it's because she afraid that ever one has forgotten. I know the past year she was upset because the day had came and gone and her mom didn't mention him. So for right now all you can do is be there for them listen when they need to talk about it if they want to talk about it. And for as long as you know them never forget and let them know you haven't forgot.

Charlene - posted on 07/09/2010

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I would just be there for them. Help them with meals and keeping them busy doing the things that they liked before the loss. This was a long time ago I see. I hope they are feeling better and maybe even pregnant again.

Charlie - posted on 07/09/2010

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Just be there for her , if she feels like talking then let her , if she feels like crying let her , you could bring her some meals because im sure she wont feel like cooking , ive miscarried and there is not much you can say to make her feel better just be a good friend and be there , help her , take your cues from her ,

Chelsea - posted on 01/06/2010

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tell them its not either one of their faults. be there for them, maybe cook some dinenr for them, becarful on what movies you might share with them, anything can remind them. try to get them to talk about what they feel, to let it all out. best wishes for the family, i couldn't imagine...

Brenda - posted on 01/06/2010

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My sister and sister in law went through this and recently my niece lost twins. So very sad. The still talk about their children and what kind of life the could of had. They love that you will remember their children. Cards and kind words are wonderful gifts to let them know that you did not forget. Especially as time goes by. I let them know that I love them and that I will be there if they need me. Almost nothing you say will not be hurtful when you are wanting to comfort them. But never say they can have more children. I had miscarrige myself and someone saying that to me was the most hurtful thing I ever heard. We all loved our babies and our loss was beyound anything bad we will ever experience. A new baby will never replace the one/ones we lost.

Amber - posted on 01/06/2010

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There's not much you could say that would help, but I think being there to just listen when they're ready to talk and help out around the house would be the best thing you could do. I had a miscarriage recently (no where near as devastating since I was only a few weeks along, but still a loss) and I found that people who let me talk about it when I needed to and offered to help me with the housework and chores that I could not do until I completely healed were the ones that helped the most.

Maybe the best way to help would be to say to her, "What do you need? Anything you want: laundry, make dinner, help with the cleaning, I'll do."

Jennifer - posted on 01/06/2010

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I agree with the others her that just being there for her in support. I miscarried early on and that was devastating enough and that was early on. Like someone said actions speak louder than words. I like the idea of bringing a meal by - maybe something they can freeze for later on if they don't want it right then and there.

Chelsea - posted on 01/06/2010

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I would not use words to comfort them, but more jestures and offers. Make sure she's not falling deeper into depression if any has started yet. Make meals, offer a girls night in with close friends, and if they have any other kids, do a movie night with the family, ease her mind off of it, and in due time she will have by past the hard times; and learn to except it but never put it behind her.

Jen - posted on 01/06/2010

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at first just people being there is what i wanted, i didnt want them to ask me how i was, i thought that was obvious, i was NOT good! a hug, a simple guesture was enough, then after the funeral, it seems like everyone forgot, and that was hard, nobody talked about it, or even asked how i was, and thats when i was the worse, and really needed everybody! so, after some time goes by, dont forget, you can donate to causes (march of dimes) in their memory ect. its been 6 yrs for me, and i think about my daughter everyday, but God has helped me through! Do pray for their peace and comfort during this time!

Nadia - posted on 01/06/2010

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Quoting Sunshine:

You really can't say anything. I miscarried twins at an earlier stage and nothing people said really helps. Just being there as a friend letting her know that you are there to talk to when she wants is really all you can do.



totally agree with this...there are no words to ease the pain but allowing her to express herself when she feels ready says a lot...

Debbie - posted on 01/06/2010

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I DONT HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE IN THIS AREA BUT ALL I CAN SAY IS TO KEEP CONSTANT CHECK ON THEM LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE THERE FOR THEM NO MATTER WHAT DAY OR TIME IT IS ., MAYBE EVEN MAKE THEM MEALS HELP OUT WITH HOUSE WORK LAUNDRY ITS THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS ALONG WITH THE LITTLE THINGS DEBBIE VALLE MIAMI FLA

Beth - posted on 01/06/2010

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Just say your prayers for them! Pray for peace beyond all understanding. Pray that God will give them something that not all of us understand that will get them through. God and time will heal them. Just let them know you are praying for them. Cook them meals.

Coleen - posted on 01/06/2010

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it is such a devastating ordeal....I have never experienced it and it would be really hard to live through. The unbearable hurt would consume ones mind i would imagine.I think there isnt anything that you could say, so probably the best thing is dont say anything. Maybe just be a shoulder to cry on,and just check on her and see if there is anything she might need.So many emotions are probably going to be shared in this time,but try not to be too invasive as she does still need time to grieve and I would say her partner must be going through a tough time too not knowing what to do or say. They need to grieve together but if you can offer any support from time to time and let her know that she is still appreciated and loved might help a little.Maybe just listen to her and help try to keep her as comfortable as possible as she will be affected by this forever. Letting go of something that was so real and replacing it with spiritual memories if going to be painful but given time she will start to heal and hopefully gain some form of closure and learn to live again....small steps, some healing time and support, the rest is up to her and her partner......I use to think once when one loses someone close to them to give them some distance,but i found that when you do that they isolate themselves from everything and spiral into depression, I have since learnt to keep at it no matter what.

Sarah - posted on 01/06/2010

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Be there to listen if she wants to talk. Cook a meal or bake a cake for them. Often practical acts of kindness show you care more than words.

Michelle - posted on 01/06/2010

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Wow! How awful! I couldn't even imagine the pain they are going thru. When I lost my mother to cancer I remember hating it when everyone would ask me how I was doing constantly. I would be out with friends and they would bring it up. I would go from being okay to a sobbing mess in a instant. But the friends that were there that helped keep my mind off of it helped me the most.

Meagan - posted on 01/06/2010

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i had a friend who lost her twins at 20 weeks and its hard you cant really say anything just be very supportive and be there for them and wait for them to come to u and open up

Jessica - posted on 01/06/2010

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thank you that does help, it has been hard to reach out to them because it doesn't seem we have anything we can do for them. But it is important to remember that support is sometimes enough.

Esther - posted on 01/06/2010

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OMG - I would be at a loss for words too. My heart goes out to your friends. I had a miscarriage once but it was in the early stages. I was still devastated but it would pale in comparison to the grief I'm sure your friends are experiencing. Thank god I have never had to go through anything like that and fortunately neither has anyone close to me. However, when I was in high school a girl in my class lost her mother to cancer. A year later her brother committed suicide. Obviously a devastating experience for this girl and I will never forget what she told me at the time so I thought I would share that with you. She told me that one of the hardest things throughout that whole ordeal was that she lost so many friends in the process. Her friends started to stay away because they didn't know what to say or do. She told me that she wishes they had just been there and said "I don't know what to say". It's something I always try to keep in mind whenever someone I know suffers a loss.

Sunshine - posted on 01/06/2010

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You really can't say anything. I miscarried twins at an earlier stage and nothing people said really helps. Just being there as a friend letting her know that you are there to talk to when she wants is really all you can do.

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