I need MAYJOR help.

Stephanie - posted on 12/07/2009

I'm a stay at home mom too, and there were times when my 11 month old would cry for 2 hours until he fell asleep with his aunt. It helps if he knows and likes the person watching him. It is something you need to do, If you dont get s break and see other adults you will go crazy. Or start to get depressed. If you need to start out with shorter trips, like 15 20 min, then extend the time you are gone, so he gets used to it. There are many great ideas from other moms on working through this you just need to figure out which ones work for you. They are also right in not giving in to the tantrums. If he holds his breath, let him, he will give in before anything bad happens, and if you are really that scared that he wont, learn cpr, that should make you more confident in dealing with that particular tantrum. If he learns that fits get him what he wants he will always resort to them, even when he is older. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Remember YOU are the parent, not him.

Latonya - posted on 12/07/2009

I agree with Sara Butler. I have a 24 month old and he does the same thing but after a few minutes he calmes down. The longest freak out he had was about 45 mins. This happened when he changed from a home childcare to a more of a school daycare. So it was new people but he also had other kids his age. It took my son at least a month and a half before he stopped crying, over time the freak outs were shorter. But we as mothers don't want to see our babies cry so we give in but we also make the matter worse because they know if they cry and hold their breath they know we will give in. Get him some busy toys to keep him busy with dad while you are gone. The key is keeping him on a routine so that he will get use to it. Let him know that you are leaving and just leave.However you don't cry when you:) I have been there and done that. And also it might help if he's around kids his age as well. Keep up th good work it will get better

Melanie - posted on 12/06/2009

That's a tough one for you and your son. Is he being breastfed?I don't know if breastfeeding is a factor in that intense kind of bond. I had a similar situation with my son when he was that age. He was with me 24/7 and didn't really bond with his dad. So I basically couldn't leave him as well. Experts advise you to take it in small time periods. For example, leave him with his dad while he's playing and pop back in after 1 minute. Gradually increase the length of time until he can see that mummy does come back to him. He is going to be resistant to his dad, so you guys need to spend more time together as a unit. Your husband has to be much more hands-on with regards to feeding, bathing and diaper changing. If you are his primary care-giver, it just makes it worse for your son to trust his dad. It does get better when they have play groups. My son is 9 now. He still prefers to be with me or my mum, but is gradually starting to appreciate his dad. Dads really need to spend time with their sons, especially when the mums are full-time mums (at home). I wish you all the best.

Lorie - posted on 12/05/2009

Thank you everyone for all your posts, I took some and will use them with him.

Thanks again

Erin - posted on 12/05/2009

I have had seven children and fortunately have not had too much of a problem with separartion anxiety. When I have, I just said good bye and left. The bigger deal you make of it, the bigger deal they will make of it. I have also snuck out. Having someone distracting your child, doing something he enjoys helps. Then you can leave. Very rarely have any of my kids even noticed me gone when I have done that. It might also help if your husband when he is home takes over some of the duties wit your son. One thing my pediatrician suggested was having my husband be the one to go to the baby when he cries. Your husband can cuddle him and feed him. You r child will have that bonding time with your husband and you get a breather. Like others have said, even that young, kids are smart and know how to manipulate. Don't give in. Also make sure when you do go out and he is good, you make a big deal about it. Hope it gets better!

Dawn - posted on 12/05/2009

When my now 6 year old was 22 months old he hated for me to be out of his sight for a minute. If I went into the bathroom he would kick the door almost to the point of breaking it down. It got really bad. Thid only thing I could do is give him love and time. I had to go to work and my husband worked. He was left in the care of his live-in Aunt. He would try to freak out the minute that we left. He would cry for about 10 minutes then he would be ok. It is just a faze that all children go through. Eventually he stopped crying whenever I did anything that he couldn't do with me. I also gave him a little picture of the family to put in his play wallet. He has carried it around with him ever since. It gives him comfort when we can't be there for him. Just be honest and tell them you will be back. And sneaking out is the worst thing you could do. It is like tricking a child.

good luck with your 15 month old

Tonya - posted on 12/05/2009

There is no need to sneak out and I don't blame you for not wanting to.  Your sweet loving son will not stop breathing just because he is mad, his body will take over and make him breathe.  Also it is perfectly natural to worry about that.  They do look like they will not breathe again when they are that mad, but ask his doctor and he will tell you the same, he will continue to breathe no matter how angry he gets.

There is a reason he cries and it is for your benefit.  He is hoping that if he continues to cry you will come back and save him.  Think about it, you are there all the time with him and when he cries, you are there for him.  It's perfectly natural on his part. 

Try to get away more often and try not to show him how much his crying upsets you.  Once he gets used to the fact that you have to go out occasionally, the crying will lessen until it is gone. 

Don't worry, every mom has gone through it.

Good luck and give him a hug for me

Tonya

Kelly - posted on 12/05/2009

I agree with the other mom's posts that separation anxiety is normal for children to go through but what you are describing seems to be on the extreme side. Crying or being upset the entire time you are gone, the poor thing is truly suffering. Have you tried where he is the one leaving you. What I mean is does your husband, a grandmother, an aunt or anyone ever take him out for a few hours without you? Maybe seeing that both of you leave and come back will make a difference. Generally speaking moms are the one who do the majority of things for their kids i.e. feeding, bathing, reading to, putting them down for bed etc. not sure if that is the way it works in your home. If you are the one that does the majority of these things then maybe you and your husband should consider discussing daddy taking over some of the activities, which may help put some of the emphasis on daddy rather than mommy. I really hope that some of the advice you are receiving helps in some fashion.

Tessa - posted on 12/04/2009

Try and talk him through it i.e. give him one of those musical toys and tell him you are just going to the next room and you'll be back when the tune stops playing. Make sure you are - even if it's to reset the music. When he sees that you mean what you say and you'll be back, he should start to stress less.

I'm very glad you don't want to sneak out - you'll just raise a child who thinks it's ok to sneak out and teenage years will be terrible :-) Don't let him see that the temper tantrum gets to you, he's already clever enough to recognise that and use it :-) Good luck :-)

Toni - posted on 12/04/2009

Sorry to say that this is just another phase that babies go through..so i am told. Try to hold on. It gets better. Try leaving the room for a few seconds while allowing the little one to hear your voice. Another tip. I played "peek-a-boo" a lot with my twins. I would cover my face or hide behind a door. Eventually, your little one will realize that although your not always in his presence at the time, your not gone forever.

Kylie - posted on 12/04/2009

Before I was a SAHM I was a preschool teacher in a 2-3years room. I can tell you that the best thing to do it tell the child "Ok Mummy is going now, Bye-bye" give them a quick kiss and then go. If they really can't settle do it in stages, go for 10mins, and then 30, and then an hour, and so on till you can go for as long as you need to. It sucks alot when your baby is crying and you feel like you need to stop it, but I can tell you even if it takes a while I've never taught a child who never settled.

Crystal - posted on 12/04/2009

This is normal for Moms and babies who have spent a lot of time together. You work at home, so maybe his dad (or someone he is comfortable with) should take him somewhere fun...The park to play with other children or check with the Library to see if they have storytime for kids his age. It doesn't have to be a daycare or somewhere that costs money. There are many fun things for children to do away from home. Make it fun for him. It needs to be all about him and "his special time". But he needs to exercise his social skills and sometimes the best teachers for that are kids his own age. They will "reassure" him that he'll be o.k.

Jaime - posted on 12/04/2009

Don't run back to him because he is throwing a tantrum. Kids even that young are very smart. He knows that you will come running which actually is affecting his bond with his father. I know its hard to leave especially when you hear them crying but you have to. I think you might have a little anxiety as well! He will be fine!

Corinne - posted on 12/04/2009

Separation anxiety is a very normal thing for children to go through, don't worry about him when he tries to stop breathing because his body isn't going to allow for that. I worked in daycare for seven years and had to deal with separation anxiety all the time, the advice I gave to most of parents was to give their child a picture of them or dad so they could look at you whenever they wanted. Continuously reassure him that you will be back, and if you want to you could even record your voice so that he has it, if there is a need for it. Before you leave tell him in a very calm voice what you are doing and where you are going and that you will be back later. Don't stay around after you tell him goodbye even if he starts to cry, this is the worst thing for a mother to do because then the child knows he is getting to you, and it may make matters worse. Give a kiss and leave. It may sound mean, but it in fact will help out in the long run. Have dad take him out for one on one time so that he is away from you for a little while this might also help break up the tension of you leaving. I wish you the best of luck and hope that my post helped you a little bit.

Maria - posted on 12/04/2009

Talk to your doctor. Don't sneak out, he needs to understand. make your "see you soon"s quick and painless, like they are not a big deal. Make your "I'm back" also quick and painless, like it's no big deal. But mainly talk to your doctor, if his anxiety is severe and it's not a simple "phase", he may have other suggestions. Some babies need different techniques to soothe them.

Tammy - posted on 12/04/2009

all very great ideas. I had experience with sep. anxiety before I had kids. One of my neices was the same way she would want to come to our house to stay the night and within 10 min. of her parents leaving she would scream until we finally took her home. Yes, she would scream for hours no matter what we did to try and distract her it didn't work. Therefore when I had kids I took them to a sitter every day from the time they were a month old so as to prevent it. I never dealt with it with my kids but I have babysat others that did. I don't agree with sneaking out either but here is what I started doing. I would go to child's house and ask child with lots of enthusiasm if they wanted to go to the park with me, basically letting the child be the one choosing to leave the parent. Then the parent gave child a hug and kiss told them to have fun and they would be there when they came back from their playdate. It did help, eventually after child got used to being away from parents they were able to bring child to me rather than me going to get them. Maybe dad or grandma can take your son to the store or visiting or the park or just something fun, when they leave you say your goodbyes. It's a sneaky way of leaving but it's NOT sneaking out, it's the child leaving you not you leaving the child. I also agree you need to get away from each other every day til he gets used to it. Maybe at first just try 10-15 minutes and gradually stay away longer and longer every day. I don't agree with the buying them something ONLY because it sets you up in a pattern that can lead to tempertantrums of a different kind in the future and it also sets you up for possible disappointment. For example, what happens if there is an accident on your way home so traffic is backed up and you end up being late and frustrated so you end up forgetting to stop and get something? He will not understand your forgetting due to an accident all he will understand is that you said you would bring him something and you didn't. Also, he will come to expect you to bring him something every single time you leave and that can get expensive after a while. If you want to do the bribe thing then state that you and he will do something special together when you get home. Like read a favorite book, or watch a favorite show or something like this where you will spend time together rather than spend money. Time is much more valuable than money anyways. At his age he's not likely to understand any type of bribing anyways, but anything is worth a shot. I would say your best shot is to try and make it so he is the one CHOOSING to leave you rather than the other way around. Good luck and let us know if and what works best.

Jenna - posted on 12/04/2009

I think that if you were to get him involved with a play group or something like that (outside the home) maybe Daddy could take him too, might help. I take my sons to a playgroup for an hour at our local library and they love it (especially my oldest).

Melissa - posted on 12/04/2009

I think your doing the rite thing by not sneaking out ! I would try & prepare him ahead of time or tell him a story about what ur going 2 b doing & how all the kids in the whole world dont go w/there mamas couse its no fun ect..& kids arent aloud there &/or play a game w/him & whomever ur leaving him with, while ur all playing casually chime in "ok 1 more time & then I got 2 go get ready 2 go" If he continuously says he wants 2 go or says "no mama!" Tell him again how "all kids in the whole world cant go there w/there mamas cuz its just not a place 4 kids!" Tell him how u dont want 2 go but u half 2! Try 2 b extra worried About leaving asking him if he will be ok or say something like 'u'll b ok, wont u"? of course u will ur a big boy! Leave him the responsibility of taking care of something that u love while ur gone & u will b back as fast as u can! OR JUST START CRYING UR SELF SAYING? BUT I DONT WANT 2 GO! I WANT 2 STAY W/MY BUBBA? OR SOMETHIN LIKE THAT IN A EXAGERATED SILLY VOICE SO U DONT SCARE HIM. HE WILL B 2 SHOCKED 2 CRY, OR HE WILL B 2 BUSY COMFORTING U 2 WORRY ABOUT HIMSELF CRYING! Oh & dont forget about The book GO! DOG! GO!! That was my sons first sentence when he was about the same age as yours! Go! Dog! Go! Dr Seuss When I would b rushing around in a hurry He would say GO! MAMA! GO! It was 2 cute! Hes now 13 & still really cute! hee.. Hope Ive given u something u can use? Best wishes! Melissa Raiter, Las Vegas

Brittany - posted on 12/04/2009

One thing your husband could try is making home made playdoh, its fun to play with and might add a nice distraction. Then when your son gets older he can help making it by mixing ingredients and stirring.

PLAYDOH



1 c. flour

1 c. boiling water

2 tbsp. cream of tartar

1/2 c. salt

1 tbsp. oil

Food coloring



Mix and knead together. This playdoh is not sticky and does not dry out.



Or try



NUTTY PUTTY": (EDIBLE!!)



3 1/2 cups peanut butter



4 cups powdered sugar



3 1/2 cups corn syrup or honey



4 cups powdered milk



chocolate chips (optional)



Mix the ingredients. Divide into 15 to 20 portions and refrigerate in plastic bags. After washing their hands, have children mold and shape the dough on waxed paper. Provide chocolate chips to be used as decorations if desired. Play with it and let them eat it!

Shari - posted on 12/04/2009

My daughter was like that too.. But I always tell her when I am leaving and Daddy or Nana or whoever is watching her distracts her with other things to do. I found that it helped when I started taking her to play groups and swimming lessons. The more she socialized, the more independant she became. She no longer cries when I leave (unless she has a boo boo or is tired). Hang in there. It's normal and it will pass.

Megan - posted on 12/04/2009

exactly! but in my casedaddys gone so i leave him with my mom. He might scream for about 2-3 min. but hes usually fine afterwards. i dont say the word bye though cause he knows it means mommys gone so i usually say ill be back in a little while. i leave normally but a little less noisy so he keeps focussed on granma not mommys leaving.

Megan - posted on 12/04/2009

My son (13 mnth) is the same way. This is how I get out.(I am also a stay @ home mom (i go to school online) Have a snack ready for him, Gerber's Yogurt Melts are good. U can find them in the baby food aisle in a yellow bag. Strawberry is a good one to start with. Anyways, have that & a cup of juice/milk on standby depending on what time of day ur leaving @. Put him in his high chair & b4 he starts screaming put a yogurt melt on the highchair tray. After he takes 1, he'll want another. So give him a second one & then hand the bag over to your husband (my case my mom).Kiss your son & give a short "I'll be back in a little while." (if u say bye it might trigger his sep.anxiety) Oh & have your keys in your purse along with your phone so its not a long drawn out process of you leaving him. Just a mommy will be back or something of the sort kiss and leave. its ok that he cries, its normal. if you have a gymborie nearby try going there. its not a daycare center. you go there with your child and there are other kids there with their parents too. let him get socialized. then its not so much about mommy but also about other people.

Natasha - posted on 12/04/2009

Are you pregnant???? I have had a few friends with not knowing that they are pregnant and Tot become clingy!



If not try palyning hide and seek during the day and carry on at night when dad is there....all it is is making him aware that he can find you and that you have not gone.

Hide sort of in plain view at first an then take a step further and even further....hope that this can help!

Lorie - posted on 12/04/2009

Thank you Sara, he will cry till I come back which could be 2 mins from going to the bathroom or if i leave the house it could be a hour or 2 and he will cry the whole time.

Iam running out of idea's, energy and patients.

Katie - posted on 12/04/2009

I think the main issue is that he has been with you 24/7 and that is all he knows. He is used to it. My daughter is the same way... she wont stay with anyone but me, and she is turning 3. You may need to find a nanny or part time daycare center that you can send him to a couple days a week, or maybe 5dys a week only for a couple hours so you both get some time away. I have begun this with my daughter. It was really hard at first, and I didn't think she would make it (with the screaming and I cried)... but she is getting better, and the socialization with other kids her age is really good. I have noticed it is easier on her to go everyday for a couple hours rather than a couple days a week, so it is more routine. If you can find a "babysitter" or Nanny type person to come over maybe and take him to the park, or on walks just to give you time, that could work too. In the beginning just have someone come over and have them help you so he gets used to them maybe... Hope some of this is useful... :)

Ashley - posted on 12/04/2009

its a stage it will pass as some point in time its good you wont sneak out because your not supossed to do that alls i no that you can do is before you leave talk to him an tell him where your going an maybe when youll be back maybe tell him youll bring him back a piece of candy or something i dunno if you brib but if you do that might work an then just go but make sure hew sees you go like i dunno if he can see out your door to your car but have your husband show an talk to him about you leaving an that youll be back

Sara - posted on 12/04/2009

Even after you're gone for a few minutes he's still crying? How long do you give it before you go back to him?



In my experience, the freak out only lasts a few mintues and then they move on. Separation anxiety is totally normal, and i think the behaviors he's displaying are normal as well. The holding of the breath, don't let him use that against you as a tool to get what he wants...he won't hurt himself, so just let him do it. I actually think you really have no other choice but to just let him have the freak out. He'll work through it, he wont' think you've abandoned him for life. Make sure to say "Bye baby, mommy is leaving". Don't drag it out, but let him see you leave. You guys will work though it. Good luck!