I think my husband just raped me

Megan - posted on 04/14/2012 ( 33 moms have responded )

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I'm a 33 year old, married for a year and a half, mother of 3. I just delivered my last one 7 weeks ago. My husband and I don't have the greatest relationship. We're broke, I'm a SAHM (with a nursing degree), our communication skills are lacking and there's very little affection (mostly due to me). The other night, hubby decided that even though it hadn't been 6 weeks since I had delivered our son, he wanted to have sex. I told him that I wasn't ready, for a multitude of reasons that I didn't go in to, but most importantly, I told him "no " numerous times. I rolled over, pushed his hands away, even tried to get out of bed. He forced himself on me and even hurt me because there was no lubricant. I must admit that although he's my husband, I feel violated, disrespected and traumatized. I'm not sure how to handle this. Any feedback would be appreciated.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/14/2012

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I may have no business commenting on this, beings that I have no personal experience with this, but yes I would call this rape. Brittney and Megan, your husbands have NO RIGHT! Just because they are your husbands does NOT mean this is ok to force themselves on you. Megan, this is NOT your fault! Please PLEASE tell him and seek some help. Brittney, I went cold when you said this happens to you all the time. This is NOT ok.

I had my husband read this (sorry i really wanted a mans perspective). He got really upset for both you ladies and said "this is rape". "this is wrong on so many levels". Then he hugged me. This is from a man. He is sorry he says.

Tara - posted on 04/14/2012

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There was a time in history when this would have been considered no big deal, there was a time when you would have had sex whenever he asked because it was your duty. There are still places in the world where this is still the reality for many women. But in a civilized society, which I assume you live in, this is not acceptable.
Your writing comes across as that of an educated person. You seem to be quite articulate and well spoken. You are not chattel. You are not his possession. You do not belong to him and at not time in your marriage are you required to have sex if you do not want to, let alone weeks after giving birth.
His comment to you afterwards was completely unnecessary and if he were not being an SOB he wouldn't have said a word: he would have simply waited for you to get up and HE would have cleaned it up, put a towel down or something. Because someone who cherishes, loves and respects someone else goes out of their way to make them feel safe and secure. To feel vulnerable and safe with someone else, is the meaning of true intimacy.
Your husband is not honouring your autonomy as a person, let alone your respect as his wife and partner.
He is being selfish, controlling and abusive.
If this were me, in your situation I would tell him this:
"You may not sleep in my bed again until you apologize for sexually assaulting me, disrespecting me and humiliating me. I do NOT trust you in my bed until you KNOW what you did was wrong. And if you EVER force your body on mine when I say NO, I will charge you with rape, and I will leave you. No discussion, NONE."
I am a strong minded woman who is also a survivor of child hood sexual abuse. As a grown woman you need to find the strength to ensure he does NOT ever treat you this way again. Or leave.
This goes for any of you who think it's different than being raped by anyone else.
Lying there passively and "letting" it happen and not fighting back does not mean you consent, it does NOT mean it isn't rape. Just because you are married does NOT, under any circumstances give your husband the RIGHT to your body.

Loving men do not treat their wives in this way. That is the bottom line.

Krista - posted on 04/15/2012

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After this "incident" he made matters even worse by telling me, "look. I think u pissed the bed." I could have crawled into a ball in shame. I know I'm making him sound like a horrible SOB, but he does have good qualities.

And evidently, Hitler liked dogs. Even the most monstrous individuals tend to have one or two good qualities. That doesn't change the fact that they are monsters.

And I am sorry to tell you this, but the fact that your husband raped you, and then the fact that he mocked you?

He is not a good man.

And you know what? No matter how he tries to put this on you, I want you to know one thing: he CHOSE to do this. You did not put a gun to his head and force him to rape you. He is a grown adult, and is capable of controlling his own actions. And he made the conscious choice to utterly disregard your right to your own body, and to just take what he wanted. If he was sexually frustrated, he could have just as easily relieved himself with his own hand. But he CHOSE to say, "Fuck it, I don't care if she doesn't want it, and I don't care if she's sore and in pain, and I don't care if I scare or hurt her."

That is what was going through his head, basically.

Does that sound like a nice man to you?

Krista - posted on 04/14/2012

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Oh Megan, how horrible. You have every right to feel violated, disrespected and traumatized, because you WERE violated, disrespected and traumatized. You were betrayed by the person who you should be able to trust the most in the world.

Marriage vows do NOT give a spouse ownership over your body. You still have the right to say no, and for that to be respected.

As far as what to do about it...that's up to you. But do not discount your feelings.

Here's a number to call for someone to talk to, who can help you: National Sexual Assault Hotline - 1.800.656.HOPE

And here is some information on partner rape. It's very real, it happens, and it is WRONG.

http://www.rainn.org/get-information/typ...

[deleted account]

Just to add, you've had 3 children in a very very short period of time. You could have been impregnated again with this or with another attack. You need to let your body rest and if he doesn't recognize that, good man or no (and i personally think NO F'NG WAY), he's an idiot if nothing else. Certainly not someone who should be responsible for 3 children and a wife.

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33 Comments

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Ashley - posted on 12/03/2012

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no means no whether you are married or not. if he cant respect that then he does not deserve to be your husband. you have every right to feel violated and disrespected because you were. seems like he is going to take it when he wants it and you wont be able to stop him. i would say it's time for divorce papers, and turn his ass in for rape. you can still press charges even though he is your husband.

[deleted account]

I'm with LMCBW Abigail. My dear, you do not deserve that treatment and you do not deserve the pain of cutting. I know about cutting. I have scars up and down my thighs as it was the only way I could deal with my ex-husband and the pains of being alone after my divorce.



It is ok to leave him. He may be afraid of the self-injury now but a man who is willing to force sex upon an unwilling partner to the point of bruising her arms really pisses me off and is NOT the acts of a kind man who loves his partner.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/03/2012

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Abigail, I am so sorry what you are going through, but why in the world are you staying with this man who has brutally raped you so many times? WHY? I really hope you get the courage to leave this beast.

Abigail - posted on 12/03/2012

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i am so glad that there are many women who know that what your husband, what so many husbands, did, is wrong but remember that, that is not enough. so many women can talk tough when there isn´t a man around but they break when they are intimidated by men. i too was forced into sex by my husband and when he saw that even though i always put up a fight in the beginning i would always give up at some point because i, like so many women, was ashamed to show my face in public with the tell tale blue marks i would carry on my arms after too much resistance. he thought why stop at boring old rape and forced me to have anal sex as well. i knew that this would continue and when he started talking about how much he liked seeing women go at each other, i out of desperation started hurting myself. he realised that i was trying to show him, if you hurt me i will turn it into something visible and in so doing, make sure that everyone knows, you are not what you pretend to be. he hasn´t touched me in months which means i am doing better but the burns on my arms and the memories in my head don´t let me forget. out of the ashes of this evil i am now faced with new demons, i live in the fear that my daughters will one day also get raped and that it will be my fault for not doing enough when it was necessary. we cannot allow men to treat us like old household appliances, who have to do what someone else wants, when we are switched on. we must fight for respect now, for the safety of our own bodies or we are setting examples for all our sons and daughters, examples that say loud and clear "YOU ONLY EXIST TO GET FUCKED BY A MAN".

the hand that rocks the craddle is the hand that rules the world

[deleted account]

"Both of you are wrong in my view. Yes it is wrong for a man to impose himself on a woman but it is equally wrong for you to fail to meet your husband's sexual needs

"



Wow, I never realize that rape was acceptable if a wife is too sore and tired after birth to give into her husband. I mean it had only been 6 weeks and her body was still recovering. Wow! She brought it on herself eh?



That's absolutely sick. It is NOT her fault. He has hands and I'm sure he coudl have used them on himself.

Abby - posted on 11/23/2012

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Call the police. He will be charged with being a sex offender and an official rapist. It's disgusting how you let yourself be this idiot's sex toy. And call The National Sexual Abuse hotline while you are at it. You don't deserve this scumbag. Gain some self-respect and file divorce papers. Otherwise, he'll continue abusing you.

[deleted account]

Please report him, what he has done is very wrong. My ex husband is an alcoholic and ex army. He raped me and just like you i had said no to him. I ignored it and pout it down to a one off. How ever the next 3 years the sexual abuse and rape occured more and more to being most nights.As well as this he would bully the children and totrure me by keeping me awake and interogating me over some minor thing that had annoyed him. I went to the army for help and support and got no where.I also asked for help from other sources. I broke away and asked for a divorce, he then carried on bullying me through his solicitor. I was forced to reprcent myself in court and stand up to him. However when it came to the divorce and getting those people to confirm what I had said they would not and made things very dificult by closing ranks. The one thing that I regret the most was the fact that I let him get away with the abuse and that I did not go to the police or to court when I had the chance. I am now left worring and wondering if he will hurt my children when on visitation by drinking or do it again to some one else. All I can say in my deffence is that I was just not mentaly ready for that step. What I will say is the effect that it has had on the children is heart braking. I thought that I had protected them well and had done the right thing in trying to make the marriage work. However the damage is done and I now have to see the man who abused and raped me every month as well as hand over my children to him. I spend the whole time worrying that he will hurt them and their is nothing that I can do. If i had gone to the police then I may be able to protect them better now. You must keep a diary of what he says and does to you so that when the time does come to brake away that you have proof to use and protect your children and your self. I will not say leave him now or you must report him to the police. As you won't take those steps until you are ready to do so. Just know that you are an inteligent, beutiful mother and woman who is strong and able to make the next step by reporting him before the abuse gets out of hand and he does again. I now suffer flash backs, anxiaty and panic attaks from what has happened. For your self get some counciling this can be done through occy health and they do not judge ( I to work in the NHS)

Darkangel - posted on 10/07/2012

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Both of you are wrong in my view. Yes it is wrong for a man to impose himself on a woman but it is equally wrong for you to fail to meet your husband's sexual needs. Communicate more and strive to overcome your problems. Good luck.

Courtney - posted on 07/06/2012

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Here is the thing, whether he is your husband or not, no means no. Many things qualify as a no too, like your pushing him away, but you said no! Him hurting you means he doesn't care, and rape isn't about getting off, it's about power. I would get out ASAP!

Sylvia - posted on 04/15/2012

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What everyone else said.

If you said "no" and he went ahead anyway, that's rape. It doesn't matter if you're married to him. If he doesn't get that it is NOT OKAY to force himself on you after you said "no", I don't think you should stay married to him. At the VERY least the two of you should be in some kind of counselling -- if he won't go, try and find a way to go without him, to help you deal with the PPD. What he did is NOT OKAY and it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Lots of women are not up for sex for weeks or months after giving birth, and their partners aren't necessarily happy about that, but they deal with it. "The doctor said it's okay after 6 weeks" isn't an excuse -- no means no.

Obviously this is not an easy time for you to be thinking about uprooting yourself and your kids and starting over. Nothing is easy when you have three young kids. Leaving a marriage is never easy, even when the marriage sucks. But you sound really, really unhappy -- I doubt it's easy to stay in your current situation, either. You and your kids deserve better, seriously.

[deleted account]

Megan, your husband utterly disregarded your wishes in the most private, most personal most intimate way. You both need counseling because if he was that unwilling to respect you and your body, that is a very very dangerous sign.

You are not just a wife, you are a human being who is deserving of dignity. There is no such thing as conjugal rights of a husband.

Kay - posted on 04/15/2012

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Megan,

Everyone has made good points, and I really offer more of the same. I'd like to tell you what I wish someone had told me when I put up with this behavior from my son's biological father for far too long.

It is wrong for him to treat you this way. It is not your fault. Sex is not a duty--it is a commitment and reaffirmation of your love for each other, and he violated that by forcing you to be intimate. It is okay to be hurt, it is okay to be angry, it is okay to be numb. It is okay to be confused. It is okay to still love him and have no idea what to do.

I would strongly encourage you to seek professional help if you see your selves being able to work this out long term. However, short term, I would absolutely tell him immediately that you DO consider this rape, and that if it *ever* happens again, you will not hesitate to call the police. If he does not react well to it, then I would also recommend the prior posters' suggestion of moving out for a while, even if you plan on working through it. If that is possible, it will give you distance for your safety, while allowing you to work through setting boundaries in your relationship.

For the record, there is ABSOLUTELY legal grounds here, to any of the prior posters that weren't sure if you can do something legally. Spousal rape is still rape by law, and you can still charge him. It is also acceptable grounds for divorce in many courts.

In our case, I left him while I was three months pregnant for his behavior, and I do not regret it. After a lot of therapy, and falling in love with my very supportive fiance, I truly understand just how WRONG this is. My fiance may not like it, but no is no, and that is good enough for him--because I am his partner, and not his object. Because he is my lover, and not my owner. Because above all else, he respects, loves, and cherishes me.

Best wishes, Megan. Take care of yourself.

Kate CP - posted on 04/15/2012

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Megan, I'm sorry, but any man who would rape a woman is a horrible SOB. The fact that he raped his wife, the one person he vowed to love and protect, is horrible. That's abuse, honey. You need to get help.

Bonnie - posted on 04/15/2012

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Oh wow, if there is anyone who should be understanding of what you have been through and recovering after the birth as well, it should be your husband. He may not understand what it's like, like another mother would, but he has been with you through it all and he knows you need time to heal and be ready physically and mentally. Relationship does not matter. If you say no, no means no and that's it.

Nikki - posted on 04/15/2012

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Megan, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for what happened to you, I am close to tears reading your story :( Wish I could give you a big hug. I really like what Tara said, if I were in your situation I would use her advice and look at seeking some professional help for your postnatal depression as well. You deserve better, look after yourself.

Louise - posted on 04/15/2012

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I can only assume that the relationship has broken down completly for him to do this. Its wrong in so many ways and he knows that. Is he showing any signs of remorse at all. If not then there are strong signs here that he will do it again.

My advice is try and move out for a while until you know in your heart what you want to do. Go to your parents and spend some time with them. He has to show you that he is sorry or the frightening thing is he did not think he was wrong. If you love him you can work through this but if this was me I would be out of there as this is a total disrespect of your body.

Sneaky - posted on 04/15/2012

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The bottom line is this: Do you want your sons to grow up and know that if their wife says no, it is ok to force them to have sex?

Do you want your daughters to grow up and know that if they say no to their husband, or partner, or date, and get raped then it is acceptable and there is nothing they can do about it????

Seriously, I don't care if you still love your piece of crap husband. Maybe he is immature and doesn't realize that what he did was wrong. Truthfully - I don't care.

I care about your children, they are young enough now, that if you leave now, or get it fixed now (and by fixed I mean INTENSIVE THERAPY FOR BOTH OF YOU), they will not remember. Five years from now, your kids are going to start remembering what they see and hear and copying how mum and dad act. Then it will be too late.

Do something soon, and do it for your kids. Please.

Stifler's - posted on 04/15/2012

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Press charges on him and get out of there. Forcing yourself on someone when they are saying no is definitely rape it doesn't matter what your relationship is.

Michelle - posted on 04/14/2012

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If you told him "No" and he forced himself onto you then it's rape. Yes it can and does happen in a marriage but it shouldn't. Just because you have merried him it doesn't give him a right to force himself onto you when ever he wants.

You have control over who and when. My ex husband tried it once and when I had finished telling at him and threatening to call the police he backed off and never did it again. He realized that the marriage certificate didn't give him any rights over my body. He did go and find it elsewhere though.

Sarah - posted on 04/14/2012

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What you described is rape. Whether he is your husband or not, no one has the right to force sex on you or touch your body without your permission. I would suggest talking to a counselor about how to deal with your emotions from this. Also, if you want, you can also consider speaking to the police and pressing charges against him. Even if you opt not to press charges, they can guide you to some great services to help you through this. You also should consider whether you want to continue a marriage with someone who would violate you that way. If you do want to continue your marriage, please seek counseling together. Good luck.

Megan - posted on 04/14/2012

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Thank you all for the sympathetic comments. I'm also experiencing postpartum depression, and with a 2 yr, 1 yr old and 8 week old, I'm completely overwhelmed, depressed and have zero self esteem. To make the situation even worse, I've developed stress incontinence since the birth of my last child. This alone is humiliating, and hard to accept. After this "incident" he made matters even worse by telling me, "look. I think u pissed the bed." I could have crawled into a ball in shame. I know I'm making him sound like a horrible SOB, but he does have good qualities. He's put up with a lot from me, but for some reason, this has just really freaked me out. Kinda like I've just had 3 baby's in a row, my body is forever changed and now I feel like I've got no control over it (breastfeeding, stress incontinence, forced sexual experiences). I'm just at a breaking point and this has pushed me very close to the edge. I appreciate all the feedback. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Audra - posted on 04/14/2012

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I agree that it was wrong and selfish of him to force himself. If you were still bleeding then you likely still have an open wound where your baby was once growing and that makes you susceptible to infection, etc. I like Sally's advice. Thinking of you as well.

Sally - posted on 04/14/2012

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@little miss. Im not sure if it was me or not. You should have an email to say. I did tick nice etc if i ticked funny i can assure you it was in error. I have been having issues with com's and posting to-night. I would think though anyone would know its a mistake on such an issue

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/14/2012

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WHY would anyone mark my post as "funny" I hope that was an error.

Sally - posted on 04/14/2012

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3 questions.

1: do you still love him

2: do you feel that you can get over this

3: if you have said yes to the above would he do counselling

You need to decide if you want to continue in this relatiionship. Then you can start to think of options. thinking of you.



ETA. You have to let him know that what he did is wrong. Its your body and if a stranger did it he would be in real trouble. What he did is wrong.

Brittney - posted on 04/14/2012

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Your not alone. My husband does this to me all the time, most of the time I'm not screaming for him to get off or anything, I just let him. But having sex before you're ready again can hurt you in the long run, for me, even though it has been 18 months since I delivered my daughter it still hurts to have sex and when it doesn't hurt, I feel nothing. Something does need to be said though, since you say communication skills are lacking, maybe you should try a sit down with him or talk over dinner or something. Start the relationship from scratch. If that doesn't work, then counseling may work. If you have to, get the authorities involved, somehow though, I don't feel they will/can do much. I'm sorry I'm not much help. Maybe someone else can help you more than I could.

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