I urgently need advice

Jacque - posted on 06/02/2010

Some have given you great advice! I dnt knw if u are a relifious type of person but god blesses us with these children & he will make a way out of no way! I wldnt abort my baby because things seem to be difficult but it will come together as you progress!

Jawaka - posted on 06/02/2010

Praying that you find peace in whatever decision you make.
It sounds like he doesn't want to leave the house that he recently purchased, do you also own your home? Was there ever a suggestion for you to move to him? Have you talked to him in detail about what happened in your previous pregnancies and why you need the help you are asking for? Not to make excuses for him but he can't understand if he isn't fully informed. I noticed that you said that you haven't met his parents yet, are they in close proximity to where either of you live? What type of conversations were held prior to the pregnancy about what if you were to get pregnant, does he want to have children? Right now there are obviously alot of emotions going on with the break up and the impending baby and talking to him about what is going on is essential. If you feel that everything will be an argument or unpleasant, you can always call the house when you know he isn't home and leave as much detail on the voicemail and let him decide when to call back. Always leave the door of communication open, you don't want 15 yrs from now to come and the baby will be asking why and how come and you are the fall guy for the situation....

Jodi - posted on 06/02/2010

Ladies, there seem to be a number of you NOT reading through the thread before posting, and therefore have not read the updated information. Michelle Jeffrey has summed it up perfectly.



I am actually going to lock this thread for now, and if Rebecca decides to come back and give an update, then she is welcome to reopen it. However, I see little point in it remaining open if the advice is simply going to be giving her a hard time about her situation, when she was really reaching out for some suggestions to help her avoid the only choice she saw available to her (especially as I have already had to delete several posts for their attacks on the OP).



Thank you all for your input.



Jodi Adams

WtCoM Moderator

Cheryl - posted on 06/02/2010

I agree with previous posters. If you really want to keep this baby don't allow him to push you into aborting! If he will not pay for you to have in-home care for you during this pregnancy then there are other resources that can help you. Locate the closest planned parenthood and crisis pregnancy centers near you. The Crisis pregnancy center is there for this reason and may be able to help find a solution. Also, As another previous poster said go to the churches in your area with your situation! There may be someone in the church who might be willing to help you for very little or even nothing at all! The church will not want to see you have to abort the baby any more than you do and may be willing to help you find a solution also. I strongly urge you to explore all of your options as I know what it is to live with the regret of allowing someone to convince me to abort a baby that I wanted to keep- it was the biggest mistake of my life and my greatest regret. I will be praying for you!

Tammy - posted on 06/02/2010

What? You have no choice??? Honey, it is ALL your decision. You want this baby? KEEP IT. Things always look darker when you're feeling alone. There is always a way. Could you talk to the school and have the bus pick them up at the door? There are services everywhere that can help you.
Start with the Victim's Advocate at your local courthouse. They can probably help you, but if not, they can tell you who can. You've made it 4 weeks without anyone's help... you will find a way, or make a way. Either way, don't let a guy decide if you get to keep your baby. It's YOUR decision, regardless of what he wants.

Michelle - posted on 06/02/2010

To those who have made comments a few points.
1. She wants the baby.
2. She is trying to make a mature decision that is best for the 2 children she has from a previous relationship.
3. The boyfriend is out of the picture.
4. She didn't get pregnant on purpose. She had and IUD when it happened, she is just trying to deal with it.

To the OP. Hope all is okay and that you have found some help and are able to keep the baby. I know how bad my last pregnancy was and it sounds like yours was worse so I know the idea of doing it again can be a hard one. There are a lot of resources out there that will help you depending on where you are located you just need to ask (which can be hard). Please update us on how things went with the doctor when you can. I am sure there are a few people on here who have you in their thoughts or prayers. I know I do.

Ruth - posted on 06/02/2010

you can always hire a nanny...but that costs money...if your boyfriend is unwilling to move due to a really nice job that he has that pays a ton of money...ask him to help with the cost of a nanny....but it's not just the pregnancy you need to worry about...then their is the raising of the child...the next 18 years of it's life...plus the lives of your other children...if neither you nor he is unwilling to relocate....you may want to rethink the relationship entirely...

Meghan - posted on 06/02/2010

As a mother I am surprised abortion is even an option for you. Everyone has their opinions and beliefs, but I worry that deciding to abort - even given the risks involved with your pregnancies - would cause more lifelong pain and grief for you than enduring a difficult 9-month pregnancy. I love the idea of calling local churches and non-profits for guidance and finding a live-in nanny for the next 9 months. I understand as a single mom that $ won't come out of thin air, but your boyfriend needs to take responsibility for his actions. You never know - a local family may have YOU move in with THEM for this time so they can help out with your kids. You never know until you try.

Please do not abort your child. You and your pregnancy are part of a bigger plan in life, and you are being trusted with your baby's growth and development until s/he is born. This may sound harsh but doing your best to house him/her for this time is YOUR responsibility, regardless of the sacrifice.

Bless you.

Dana - posted on 06/02/2010

We have a wonderful resource in our community. http://www.alphacenter.org/about/
Check it out. If you are in a different community, they can connect you with resources. They are all about dealing with pregnancies and helping women and families through difficulties. There is not a more caring group of individuals. As it reads, you want your baby and it's the fear of the unknown. They can help you step through that process. Also, get involved in a MOPS (Mothers of Preschools) group.
http://www.mops.org/
It is a great source of friendship and support.
Good luck. I am praying for your situation that you have peace in the medical care, the child care for your children and in your situation. You are never alone even when you feel so lonely. God and I love you. Find support, share your struggle and get help.
Blessings

Tina - posted on 06/02/2010

i would hire someone ur boyfriend said he'd help so let him pay that person... put add in paper.. an also pray GOD will help..

Toya - posted on 06/02/2010

Rebecca, neva read da comments b4 replyin to ur post but gud on u for getti rid of him and go ave ur baby. whre ders a will ders a way dey say n its no word of a lie... i hope ppl's suggestions help and i blive u will b fine girl

Toya - posted on 06/02/2010

You shoudnt need to go that far especially as you want the baby as well. Im sure you'll be able to find help from other moms in the area. If you can, try the local childrens' centre where you can meet new moms and stuff and start there. They are brilliant and there are some really lovely and helpful ladies. But if I were you - Id tell him to go to hell as its his child too and he cant compromise....

Krista - posted on 06/02/2010

Candyce, the OP was using an IUD, and it failed.

Candyce - posted on 06/02/2010

He can't live near you and help out? And why are you having kids with this guy when you know it's risky, you're basically a single mother, and he doesn't even want to make that committment? One kid I can understand, but three? If you knew you couldn't havethe kid, you really shouldn't have gotten pregnant. No one's forcing you to abort; that's a choice you're making because you don't want to find a way to handle your responsibilities.

Brandi - posted on 06/02/2010

Well, there are these big yellow things called school buses that can take your girls to school. I didn't like the idea of putting my kids on the bus. my kids were car riders for a very long time. they still are sometimes. as far as the home care for you call your local health department to see what they have to offer. but if you want this baby the last thing you need to do is abort. who knows, maybe you won't have all the same problems with this pregnancy. all pregnancies are different. let nature take its course and don't over think things. take one step at a time and deal with problems as they arise. don't worry about the things that "might" happen. they haven't happened yet. you are strong and you can do this. you will be amazed, too, at how much your girls will do to help mommy!

Krista - posted on 06/02/2010

Everybody, please make sure to read the OP carefully before responding.

The OP wants to keep the baby, but her pregnancies have been completely debilitating in the past, which would render her incapable of caring for the children she already has. So recommendations about adoption are really not addressing her true problem.

Thanks.

Christine - posted on 06/02/2010

You could tryhiring a nanny during your pregnancy. If dad doen't want to move in let him pay for the nanny that can be the "help from his end"! You can get a live in nanny if you want and many will also help with the housework. Now is a great time to find one as school is ending and you could probably find a college student or even an older high school student as you will be there to guide.
I really think you should talk to others who have had abortions before you even consider that route. I have talked to many that regretted that decision sooo much. It's definitely not something to take lightly especially since you know how precious that baby is.

Susan - posted on 06/02/2010

Where do you live? Id love to help. Been there done that!

Susan

Tracy - posted on 06/02/2010

I can only offer some prayers from my end---I really don't have any suggestions, other than asking friends, family to assist you. I hope you find someone!

Beth - posted on 06/02/2010

*paying not playing..sorry :P

Beth - posted on 06/02/2010

To all those suggesting adoption...please don't get offended, but she has clearly stated that she WANTS this baby and that it is the pregnancy that is the problem. Therefore adoption isn't a viable option or she would have to find a way to struggle through the pregnancy and then give up the baby she actually wants.

However, I also think that if you want this baby then you may not be able to handle aborting it so I am keeping my fingers crossed you manage to find some help somewhere. I live in England so I don't know all the laws, regulations and organisations in America but here are a few things I would consider doing if I was in your position. Firstly, find some home help...there are many places you can place ads etc. Secondly, if you don't have the money for it look up all the organisations you think may be able to help and ring them all explaining your situation and asking if theres anything they can do to help or any advice they can give you. And thirdly, make sure both the dad to the new baby (your now ex boyfriend!) and the dad to your 2 other children are playing child support.

Kathleen - posted on 06/02/2010

Set your sights on having the child. Make up your mind to make it work and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. You will see that the Lord will help you. Don't dwell on what if's...just dwell in the present.

Heather - posted on 06/02/2010

I am PRO-LIFE and it does sound to me like your baby is WORTH keeping and your boyfriend is NOT!! There are MANY Pro-Life centers out there that are there to help you with every decision you make and to help you with every step of your pregnancy and they DO have MANY resources as well!

Christine - posted on 06/02/2010

Sometimes another mom who lives near by can pick up your child/children for you to take them to school. As far as home care, there are some options available depending on where you live. There are home health care personnel whom can come into your home, cook meals, pick up a bit, anywhere from 1-7 days a week. Of course this can get a little pricey, but can be covered by your medical insurance (if it is good insurance and the dr. has placed you on bed rest). As many of the others have mentioned, it might be helpful to your future to question the role that your BF is going to play in your life and in the life of his child as well as what role if any he might play in your daughters lives. As far as aborting the baby, it sounds as if that is an option that you would really regret. Since your pregnancies have been difficult in the past you will need to find a way to make it work out. There are quite a few pro life non profits out there that are willing to help out in some unique and interesting ways, so look into those. Most of all remember that your children love you and need you to care for them. Your BF is a grown man who can make his own choices and then has to live with them, just like you are completely free to make your own choices, that you too will have to live with. I wish you the best of luck.

Tamzin~Rose - posted on 06/02/2010

do you have family close by?
seriously if you abort the baby you will most likely regret it for a very long time. it is really depressing. i know from experience that if you do it when you dont want to it hard to handle.

if you have any close friends or family i suggest asking them for help and support.

if you lived in my area i would help but im in brisbane.

DeLila - posted on 06/02/2010

Care net will help or contact a local college, look for interns or someone who needs room & board. Please do not abort this precios baby,,,all babes are miracels, ou can find a way. i promise

Anna - posted on 06/02/2010

where do you live? yes you can contact a planned parenting office, or actually dept. of human service. go to your states web page tennesseeanytime.gov if you live in tn.

Sierra - posted on 06/02/2010

Hi yeah look in the yellow pages in your area, maybe put adds up around your local area, or see if you could car pool with others mums in the neigbourhood taking htere kids to school. Aborting the baby is a huge thing to do, it might be harded for you to do that then keep it in the long run....it sounds like you really want it. I hope it works out for you and bubs. Good luck

DeLila - posted on 06/02/2010

Check out any pregnancy assistance place. Even, if you had to go the route of adoption, it as better than having an abortion. I think their are too many families out their that cannot have children & would love to. Where do you live? I would be willing to help in any way i could. Have you ever had an abortion? Don't do it...if your pregnant it is a baby, not just an embtyo...it's a baby. Adotion would help you pay for housing, tanspotation, food, clothes...everything. I would adopt your child, i honset to God would. If you don't want to do that call churches, social service dept's, medicaid/to where you can get transportration help for the kids.Call all places that offer assistance. What state are you in?...i will help you. Put an add on craigslist stating exactly what kind of home care assistance you need. To place an add it's free. Please keep us posted & let me know what is going on & if i can help in any way, please let me know...please. Please tell me where you live, just the state, I want to help you.

Rhoda - posted on 06/02/2010

zachary blaine???

Kati - posted on 06/02/2010

If you have a spare bedroom you can get a live in nanny... here in canada people do that all the time, and it is really not that expensive, however, I think that your asshold of a bf should pay for that.... just remember that if he isn't here during the pregancy he won't when the baby comes...

This may sound rude but unless he is married... then he should get his ass over there and help...

Anzel - posted on 06/01/2010

Do not abort your baby. You will get through this and sorry but I must really wonder if your boyfriend will stand by you as he says as he doesn't even want to move in - so how will he do his bit? Moneywise?
Try to get some of the kids from schools' moms to help you take the kids to school etc. and at home get a nanny or domestic worker to help with you with your chores (cooking, cleaning etc) and she can even help you! Some nannny's can even drive the kids to school and do the shopping - try au pairs as well. You will get through this! Ask even some of your friends to help you - remember you are never alone!

Tiffany - posted on 06/01/2010

I wasn't assuming she was religious. I was just stating that she could get help from a religious affiliation, because most religions will help when help is needed. She doesn't need to be religious to get help from a religious sect.

Amanda - posted on 06/01/2010

If you really want to keep ur baby & love it before its even born, you will truly regret aborting/ killing it & will think "what if...." for years to come.

I am pro-choice & it sounds like your choice is to have this baby & circumstances are making that difficult to do. Sittercity.com could help you. If you are low income, you could qualify for the state to provide you with nanny care. Neighbors, friends, your daughter's friends parents, putting an ad in the paper for a lil help, etc. could all be options. (i used to babysit/ help moms out as a teen. Our town had a newsletter for stuff like this)

i know doing it 'alone' sounds scary but think of all the moms that were determined & made it work. he cannot support you from where hes at! If my b/f ever said that to me, i'd be like "okay, well thanks for the sperm donation, & thanks for the child support you'll be giving me".

Also, alot of Judges will make the father pay for childcare on top of child support =)

Sapphire - posted on 06/01/2010

Why is everyone assuming the original poster is a religious woman and offering religious advice? Just curious.

Tiffany - posted on 06/01/2010

I know what I would do and I would definitely not choose the option of abortion. But I agree that if your now ex boyfriend isn't willing to help you do need help. I do know someone that can help. Look in your local phone book under the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Call any one of the wards, and talk to a Bishop or Branch President. They will get you in contact with someone who would be more than willing to come and help you. If you aren't interested in them discussing religion with you and just want them to help. Let them know that from the beginning and they will still help you out as much as you would like. My heart goes out to you and this predicament that you are in. Good luck to you and your 3 precious children.

Linda - posted on 06/01/2010

Yes, I am a pro-lifer... My son is adopted and I could have NEVER been a mom if his birth mom had aborted. And I thank God every day that she didn't abort him. Check with your Dr's office too to see if you could get some state help or check with the Health department. Another good place to start is by calling a large local church to see if they have anyone to volunteer to help you out.
My prayer for you and your family is that you get help ASAP so that you don't have to terminate this baby. I pray a hedge of protection around you now.
May the Lord lead you to someone or someone is lead to you.

Adoptive Mom,
Linda

Jodie - posted on 06/01/2010

You might be able to get help from a good church in your area. Im sure they could find someone to help you, even if you've never attended there. If their hearts are in the right place they would be thrilled to serve you. That's what Christ is all about.
And no more settling for losers! The good ones are out there. Hold out for the worthy men and you won't regret it. :) I hope the best for you and your family. Love and prayers your way!

Hilda - posted on 06/01/2010

Try to get your mother, friend a REAL close neighbor that you TRUST. Don't get rid of the baby. It is meant to BE. If he doesn't want to take the next step of moving in with you, then you already know the answer WHY. Move on and get child support (don't feel sorry for yourself). Life is too short and when this child grows up .. . .think about Vickers from Chicago, because he/she will be the one you can count on!

Hugs already to the baby!

Veronica - posted on 06/01/2010

I'm not going to take sides on the guy OR the abortion- I'm just going to say that sittercity.com is a good place to look for a nanny/sitter/driver for the girls. If it is just a matter of driving, ask their school's PTA/Mother's Club if there is a carpool group willing to help by picking up the girls on their way. You would be surprised how much help you will get from soccer moms :-)

Pat - posted on 06/01/2010

I think you should call The Hope Center and see if they can help you.. They are located in woodstock ga.

Leilani - posted on 06/01/2010

hi there
I kind of no a bit of what u are going threw, I am a single SOMETIMES mom of 5 kids ages 1 2 4 6 15, the sometimes is the father of my 3 young ones and i have been off and for 4 and a half years, i have had with my last daughter kidney stones threwout the whole pregnancy and had to have a operation to remove 2 while pregnant i took hight blood pressure toward the end, I am not sure where u live but there is all kinds of agencys church groups ,social services and different places u could call that could help u out so u would be able to continue with your pregnancy, and as for all the other people saying kick your guy to the curb i do understand he should be there with u to help even thought the father of my children and i brock up and got back to gether several times throught out my pregnancys he still offered to help so i think u really need to talk to him and if he wont come and helpu maybe u arer better off sorry but sometimes u have to do what is right for u and your kids and the baby to be, and even thought i do not no u congrats to u sometimes to here that makes u realolize people out there do care................

Nadia - posted on 06/01/2010

i just wanna say good luck with ur decision but make sure it is positive for u and ur 2 daughters ,dont forget that they also need u
take care

Keri - posted on 06/01/2010

Also Beccy,
you can contact your local YWCA.... they are awesome in providing resources.
Good Luck,
Keri

Anita - posted on 06/01/2010

I do know you can hire a "baby sitter" to work only certain hours such as before school and after school. That may help with some of the issues that you cant take care of from bed.

Have you considered moving with him. At least then he would be able to help and you two could be together.

Lindsay - posted on 06/01/2010

I am pro-choice definitely, but in your situation, you want this baby, and should not be forced to have an abortion because of the deadbeat! WTG on dumping his ass too!!! A lot of the posters have given you excellent advice, so i don't have anything to add there, but i wanted to say, to the couple pro-lifers who offered adoption as an option, she clearly said that she wants the baby, the baby isn't the problem, the PREGNANCY is the problem, she probably gets HG, Hyperemesis Gravidarum. this is not something that you can just power through because you're a strong mom! you need a LOT of help, and for many women suffering this, medications do not work, ( http://womanuncensored.blogspot.com/2010... ) so think about that before you tell her "you can power through it!" Some women DIE from neglect and malnourishment, so she needs to have help, possibly not just for her daughters, but for herself as well!

Rebecca, get the help you need, and also get close with your ob or midwife, because they will be your lifeline during the pregnancy! I really hope your sickness isn't as bad as that, but if it is, make sure your doctor knows, and has a gameplan, of course all pregnancies are different, but generally if a woman has HG with one pregnancy, she will also have it with her next pregnancy..

Sarah - posted on 06/01/2010

Hey -we haven't heard anything back from you and I am hoping you are OK. I know becoming pregnant while using an IUD can be high risk- I hope everything is allright.
I know you are also getting an earfull from the pro-life section of CoM (loud, aren't they?) I just wanted you to know that I support whatever decision you make that is best for you and your 2 children! Contrary to what everyone seems to be saying, sometimes abortion is the best answer IMO. It doesn't make you a terrible person to put Your Health and the well-being of your two children first, over what at 4 weeks most closely resembles a polkadot.
Hope you're ok!

Keri - posted on 06/01/2010

Wow, it's a hard situation. I don't know what state you live in, but check into your local health and social services. In the state of washington, we have a program called "copes". Every state has something different. But if you google it, you may find something simular. Good luck!

Betsy - posted on 06/01/2010

I wil keep you in my prayers! I lost my first baby, and had my son( now age 30) . I always wanted more children but had high blood pressure and could not safely have any more children. I will pray he steps up to the plate and takes his responsibility for you and this precious baby, Please do NOT have an abortion, you will be haunted by it for the rest of your life.

Krista - posted on 06/01/2010

As I hope you already know, since you got pregnant while you had your IUD, there is a great chance that you could lose the baby if they decide that it's safest for YOU to pull it out... you probably need to visit this possibility first to find out if it will actually be a viable pregnancy since you are still so early. Best wishes.