I want to do things too

Jovan - posted on 04/22/2012 ( 27 moms have responded )

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Im a stay at home mother to a gorgeous 4 month old baby girl, my husband works hard being in the military and working long hours. Me staying at home I don't do much and when I want to its during the weekend with my husband. But he makes plans with his friend leaving me out and staying at home with baby. Then he argues telling me he's a Grown man and can do what he wants and I have no say in what he wants to do. Then he tells me it isn't his fault I don't have friends. Any advice on the situation.

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Heather - posted on 04/23/2012

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You have EVERY right to demand that he spend a few hours a day with you and HIS daughter on the weekends. You totally do have a say so in what he does, even if he is a grown man, then tell him to freakin' act like it. Grown men don't spend the weekends with their buddies. They spend the weekends with their wives and children.



No, it's not totally his fault that you have no friends. You need to find some mom's groups and make some friends. Go out to lunch to a local McD's or Chick-fil-A, where moms hang out some days for lunch, and meet some new people. That's how I make friends. We have been living in TN for almost 5 years now, and I have a few great friends, but not as many as I'd like to have, but I am working on it.



Time to do things for yourself. If your daughter is on formula, this coming Sat. or Sun., leave her with him with a packed diaper bag for a few hours and tell him that you have lunch plans with a new friend that you met online, even if you actually don't. Then go somewhere for lunch or go see a movie by yourself. Let him take care of HIS child for a few hours. It won't hurt her, or him. He needs to grow up and take responsibility and ACT like a grown man. Only boys go out with their friends every weekend. Grown men, DON'T!

Pamela - posted on 04/26/2012

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Look for other Moms in your area by contacting pre-schools and see if there is a Mother's group/Circle where Moms meet to exchange ideas and socialize. You can also contact any parenting group like Planned Parenthood, etc. and see if they know of any such groups in your area.

Your husband may be feeling 'competition' with the baby for your attention. This sometimes happens with the first child. It could easily be a subconscious situation for both of you.

Have an HONEST, calm conversation with your husband and explain how you feel about being left out of his weekend plans and the fact that you don't get much "play" time together. Plan a "special date" to do something you both like and haven't done in a while.

Hopefully you can get your creative juices flowing to find a way to have more contact with him and to find new Mom friends to socialize with as well!

The Highest and best to you and yours!

Heather - posted on 04/24/2012

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Start doing things without him! It seems like he has you right where he wants. Take your baby and enjoy yourself. I make plans to do things with my four kids all the time without my husband usually when he finds out we have plans he drops what he he is doing and comes with us ;).

Jasmine - posted on 04/23/2012

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Well if your husband is in the military maybe there are some other military wives around that you can become friends with, since you're in similar situations. Sure it's okay for men to go out and have "guy time" but I think he needs to make time for you and the baby. I think he's being a little insensitive. Maybe you can compromise and one night he goes out with his friends and the other night you all go out for dinner or something. Would he be willing to watch the baby while you went out and did something,?

It sounds like you do most of the childcare and housework and it's okay to take a break occasionally.

Julia - posted on 05/03/2012

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My husband wanted to spend time with his friends almost every night & most weekendswhen we first got married, & this lasted for several years. He was still in the bachlor mind set. I felt alone & left out & wanted him home with me more. I told him how I felt, but it made no difference in how he acted, it only made him mad, like your husband. So eventually I stopped mentioning it, read books or watched tv by myself in the evenings & and tried to put on a brave, smiling, loving face the times he was home. I felt it kept us from being close as a married couple. He felt that his free time was to de-stress from work. (I guess being at home was a little stressful, responsiblities of a husband, etc.) I continued to tell him I loved him & every once in a while mention how much I love the times we do spend together, that time its special to me. It did take several years. But now we have been married seven years. Now he goes to see friend 1-2 times a week instead of 5-6x a week. Now he is usually gone for 2-3 hours instead of retrning between 11pm -1am. If you truly love him & want to make this marriage work, don't push him, gently draw him to you. Everyone, especially men get touchy and angry when they feel their choices are critisized. Patience is hard, but worth it in the end. Our marriage continues to grow stronger. Maybe ask him to plan a fun activity/date with you (with or without baby, if you can find a sitter for an hour or two that baby will go to) for one Sat a month. It can be something free if money is tight, like picnic in the park or nature walk or a inexpensive matinee or a restaurant or a game he likes. That works sometimes with my husband. Good luck. Also, I recently joined a mom's club. I just googled mom's club, found several in my area & contacted them & choose one that worked for me. Now I get out with other moms to have playdates, book club, walking with stollers, field trips to children's museums, coffee at Starbucks, a park day. Now I get to spend time with other moms, make new friends of my own, talk about similar issues, have fun & develop friends for my 2 year old & 5 month old.

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Vicky - posted on 04/25/2012

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i hate to say this but i was in similiar situation before and well when he left me i learned the few years after why.i am a single mom and he went out a few times with me but never to his friends so i could meet them. you deserve your time alone just as we all do! when i was alone again,i was like not really caring if i found someone else or not

Ebere - posted on 04/25/2012

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Is is not enough for you to get a divorce..start doing things without him.. Get to meet other moms, go out and have fun with your baby..when he sees you don't need him to have fun and you do stuff without him, he'll start missing you guys and will want to join..

Christine - posted on 04/24/2012

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Wow! I am shocked how you are treated and agree with Erin and Sarah's post as well. It did take my husband a little while (maybe until our daughter was about 8 months) to realize that our single life is definitely over but he never disrespected me the way you discribed. In the meantime our daughter is 3 1/2 and our circle of friends have completely changed. On at least 2 weekends per month we meet either with other families or have our own "family time" and about once a month he does whatever he wants to and so do I. There is certainly some time where I get upset at the situation that when he is spending a whole day with our daughter that nothing else got done but overall the situation isn't that bad.

Andrea - posted on 04/24/2012

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A grown man takes care of his family first and himself second, Pres. Obama even said that he likes to play basketball with his friends but he doesn't go until he has taken care of his wife and girls needs first. THAT'S A REAL MAN!

If he refuses to care about your needs then that's not a husband, that's a roommate and you should ask him which he wants to be, counseling can also help a lot.

[deleted account]

I 100% second Sarah Chapman's post! I am also sorry if that sounds harsh, but I would never, ever put up with that. My husband would never, ever pull that crap either. I know we all have different husband's, but one thing that should not be different is their willingness to be a parent - at any stage of parenting. Don't put up with it. My husband has his guy night every other week, as a scheduled thing. Then he also has music rehearsal one a week. I get the freedom to plan what I want on the other evenings. We each also get one full day a month, (always a Sunday), to do what we wish - we plan these at the beginning of each month. I also have a movie club and a book club I joined, which are wonderful!

It did take us a while to come up with these and it was never smooth sailing, but we never disrespected each other in the process!

I also found mommy group things to do during the day to get me out of the house and connected with other moms - look around in your area for these, they can be life savers!

Good luck and I hope he starts changing his attitude and that he speaks to you with more love, kindness and respect.

Teresa - posted on 04/24/2012

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Sounds like he needs to grow up! I would find friends there have to be some way to meet people by going to the park and meeting other young parents like your self!

[deleted account]

I am a SAHM and Military Wife as well, I absolutely understand where you are coming from. Put your foot down now and do not let him guilt you, those days that he works long hours, so do you taking care of your child and the house alone, there is no reason you shouldn't get time to yourself, you are a grown woman. That is his child too and he should know taking care of her is his responsibility too. I've had a similar argument with my husband for years, since he likes to volunteer on top of his long hours. It can leave you feeling like a single parent and that's certainly not fair to you as his wife. Best thing I do is plan trips out alone while he watches the kids, they get the idea very quickly that it is not an easy job. It can be tough when they really don't understand where you are coming from but you have to keep at it.



Something you can do for yourself also, if you live near a base or even just at a local library, see if they have a children's storytime, I started taking my daughter before she was a year old and it was a great way to get out of the house and socialize. It's very tough to make friends in the Military, I'm shy myself so it's always been a struggle, but if you have an FRG they can be a great resource, and don't go through your husband for information, get it yourself because the husbands really don't know where to go. Maybe get to know your neighbors if you can, if your husband is the only adult you talk to, you really want to branch out because that can be a lot of stress on a marriage and you need another outlet for yourself. Good luck, I hope you can work it out, keep enjoying that baby girl.

Crysta - posted on 04/24/2012

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Here is some advice from a fellow military spouse........You need time for yourself too. Doing full time mommy duty when you have someone who is perfectly capable of sharing the responsibility will make you resent him. Yes he has a hard job and yes there are times when he would like to go out with friends, and that's fine. But in reality, even if he spent every single weekend with you and your daughter, he would still see his work buddies more often than he would see you. The hardest thing I have learned about military life is that sometimes, unfortunately it takes the husband being deployed where he can no longer have the choice between his family and work buddies that makes him wake up and realize what he missed out on while he was home. And trust me, he is not going to want to have that regret. You need family time, and you also need alone time as an adult, and not grocery shopping does not count. Good luck.

Alexandra - posted on 04/23/2012

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you guys need to talk. and talk seriously. he should not be treating you like that. he should be respectful to you.
I am afraid he is going to put you down just like that. Please don't get into any depressive state or anything, that would not be good. You are so much more interesting and important than him. And superior - you show him respect by not saying hurtfull things to him.
Anyway, maybe things are not going to work out right now. Maybe you need to make some drastic changes (go live with your parents for a while...?) so that he sees what the world is like without you guys. Maybe that will put some sense into him.

Ange - posted on 04/23/2012

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Sounds like the problem isn't the fact that Jovan isn't getting time alone but that she isn't getting time with the person she's married to. He has a family now and should be doing more with them when he has free time. It is his fault if you don't have friends, if he included you in social things you'd meet more people to become friends with. If his mates are also married why can't he invite them to the house, maybe for a meal? Their partners may be feeling exactly the same way

Tracie - posted on 04/23/2012

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Um, put your foot up his ass? Sorry, his response was total b.s. If that's how he communicates with you, maybe you should think about couples therapy. Verbal interactions like that will kill your marriage pretty quickly. You both have a right to alone/free time - the SAME AMOUNT of alone/free time. You are in a partnership, not a dictatorship. Good luck.

Jovan - posted on 04/23/2012

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Thanks sarah chapman being an ass he is. You made me laugh so hard my husband was just looking at me funny. I have considered leaving since he wants all this "guy time". I do appreciate all the advice ladies it's very helpful and brought some good points across.

Sarah - posted on 04/23/2012

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No offense but your husband sounds like an ass. I would suggest sitting him down and reminding him that she is his daughter too and that you work just as hard as he does and deserve some time off as well. And if it were me I would let him know that if things didn't change then my daughter and I would be leaving him and then he would be able to spend ALL his free time with his buddies.

Tiffany - posted on 04/23/2012

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I know where your comming from. I am a mom of 4 kids ages 13, 11, 5, and 3. My advice is to nip this in the bud because it sounds like your husband hasn't matured yet as a father. He will but with the baby being only 4 months old he doesn't realize that spending 24-7 with your child isn't as satisfying as some people make it out to be. Yes I love my children to death but everyone needs a break, family time, and alone time. Start making plans with couples so he has to be there. Keep a schedule of what your plans are so he can figure out which days or nights are better for him to hang out with his friends. In my opinion grocery shopping isn't "me" time! Not even close! I hate the grocery store! One more thing is make sure you have some kind of understanding of what you expect out of him before you have more kids, because if he's like my husband they will avoid every chance they can to be stuck alone with a house full of kids. Also you are not the only mom who looses friends when they have kids. Having a social life is something that takes effort when you have an entire house of other priorities. GOod Luck!

Michelle - posted on 04/22/2012

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Yes he is a grown man who can choose what he wants to do but he's a Father first and foremost!!!

He helped create your Daughter so he can step up and help look after her.

My me time is going to work for 4 hours 2 days a week :-) and 1 of those days is a Saturday and that's Hubby's day to look after the kids. 2 aren't his but he still loves spending time with them.

Katherine - posted on 04/22/2012

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Tell him you want a certain day of the week to be by yourself. Then go shopping or do whatever. He's controlling isn't he?

Katherine - posted on 04/22/2012

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Yeah it's pretty sad when grocery shopping is ME time. It's my me time too.

Jovan - posted on 04/22/2012

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Yeah he's a rude person, today I went to the grocerie store and that hour was wonderful.but he always wants to tag along I need my own time and space too

Katherine - posted on 04/22/2012

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You have EVERY right to have time to yourself! If you want to go somewhere alone so be it. That was a rude comment!



My ex would pull that on me all the time. I finally put my foot down and said, Thursday is MY night.

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