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If and when is it okay to explain who a child's biological parent is

Brianna - posted on 11/15/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My son is almost 4 years old and My fiancé and I are getting married next year august. He is not my sons biological father, however he has been in his life since he was about 3months old. My son has no connections with his biological father and wouldn't recognize him if he saw him anyways. We had very intense court battles, visitations, and supervised visitations, which ultimately led up to a restraining order (for myself and my son) due to domestic violence. Just recently, my son began calling my fiancé "daddy". ALL ON HIS OWN. So my family and my fiancé's family have been encouraging it. I have plans to change his last name to my future husbands last name after we marry, but i'm very nervous to do so because I'm not sure if i want to explain to him what happened and what led us to where we are today. Any advice?

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Dana - posted on 01/25/2013

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My advice is if and when is all up to you and fiance. What works for your family. First of all great job on getting out of an abusive relationship. Continue on your path of doing whats best for your child.The entire family seems to be on board with doing whats best for your son.Great job there too.You will know when and if. For my family we decided not to say anything because like you my husband now has been there since little. It will come up later somehow. For me when she needed birth certificate for an ID. I know it a a lot to think about but remember what may lay ahead of them in future. Is it better to know now and create a better understanding or wait till it just comes up and then trying to find the answers.

Tracy - posted on 11/23/2012

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He may not be your son's father but he sounds like he is your son's daddy. My ex-husband helped me raise my son. He has always called him dad. He knows he is not his biological father but any man that takes care of a child no matter what is a DADDY. My son hasn't seen his bio-dad since he was two. If you can change your son's name to your future husbands name why cant you see if he can legally adopt him. That way both of them benefit. And it won't matter anymore. :)

Brianna - posted on 11/16/2012

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That make sense. At the same time, I don't want my fiancé to feel like he's doing something wrong. Or not good enough. He stayed home with him when he was sick, Woke up to change diapers, Bought formula, helped him learn to ride a bike. All things a parent does. At the same time it's not fair for him.

Amy - posted on 11/15/2012

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I think you should put it in simple terms for him now. Say "it's ok to call X daddy he loves you very much and is happy that he is able to fill that role because your real daddy wasn't ready to be a daddy." You don't have to go into the details with him but it's best to be honest up front rather than down the road.

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