Is anyone else dealing with this? Please I really need suggestions!

Katie - posted on 08/25/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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So lucky me my fiance's mom decided to move in to the same complex as us and there happened to be an aparment right behind ours on the same level that was opened, so she moved there. Now I will say that she does a lot for us, helps with money when we're low or babysits when we need a break from the kid. So ever since she moved in behind us she has been taking our daughter a lot more! I hate it. When ever my daughter comes home from being there she is such a brat, she screams and cries about everything. I try to stick to time outs or ignoring it but I just can't stand it anymore. I work so its just my fiance thats home all day with our daughter so I can't help if she goes over to his moms while I'm not there. I feel like if our daughter only went over there once a week or even twice that she wouldn't be acting like she does. I tried telling my fiance that she acts like this because his mom is spoiling her and letting her get away with things we wouldn't let her do but for some reason he wont look at it the way I do. Finally the other day he said that the way she acts is probably because of his mom. Should I talk to his mom about it and tell her that she can't see my daughter as much anymore or should I have my fiance tell his mom? I am seriously going crazy. Just last weekend my daughter woke up in a horrible mood and cried about nothing. I put her back in her crib to calm down because I was not going to be around her when she was just going to stand there and cry and his mom heard it and called and said can I come get her? I wanted to slap his mom so hard. Its not like my daughter was hurt/sick she was crying because she wanted to not because she was in danger. I think I need to move! Please help, if you've been in my position let me know what you did and how you handled it! Thank you!

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Nola - posted on 08/25/2010

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I am a grama and I do spoil my grandson, BUT he has rules and I abide by the rules my daughter sets for him. If you explain to her that you have these rules and she must abide by them, she should understand that. You are the parents and you make the rules. You shouldn't have to reprogram your daughter when she comes home from grama's or anywhere else. You shouldn't have to move either. I would have loved having that much help so close to me when I was raising my kids. Enjoy grama, just give her some guidelines.

Sarah - posted on 08/25/2010

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Have you thought that ther may be another reason for her misbehaviour? You may not like what I'm about to say. She may be showing you that she misses you when you're not there. At this age children can't communicate their emotions very well, and end up screaming and exhibiting various forms of attention seeking behaviour, becaiuse she can't explain that she wants to spend more time with you. Try and reinforce positive behaviours with praise and make sure you do lots of fun things together.

Katie - posted on 08/25/2010

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Yes daycare is too expensive. I would do it a few times a week if it wasn't just so she could have some play time with other kids and we could get a break. Shes almost 2 years old. I hate to say this and I hate for feeling like this but sometimes I don't even want to be around my daughter because of how she acts. Its so draining and stressful. I might be pregnant with number two so I'm feeling even more tired than usual because of that and this to add on is just making it so horrible. I don't want to take my daughter away from her because she is the only grandchild she sees really but if its going to help in the long run then I guess I should only let her see her a few times a week. I just need some space I'm tired of being this close to my fiance's family and not mine. My mom even understands that she can't always pick my daughter up or give her everything because she will act like a brat at home. I wish all grandparents understood that. I'm going to have a talk with my fiance today about this and hopefully things get better! Thanks ladies for your help!

Dawn - posted on 08/25/2010

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I also say to not threaten Grandma by limiting visits. Think of a few major rules that should not be broken, then talk with MIl about these. If there are little things that are adding up because you are getting mad, ignore those....there has to be a little leeway at Grandmas...that is what they are for...spoiling!!!

Becki - posted on 08/25/2010

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I'm guessing daycare is too expensive? I've had this problem with my mother-in-law, just not living so close, and am ready to set down some rules so my child does not grow up to be such a spoiled brat like my step-daughter. She's not disciplined over there unless my husband or I are over, including when she talks back to her grandparents. I finally got them to cut back on buying her all the unnecessary junk but she'll still throw a fit when she has to leave and she just turned 6. I have managed to cut down the time she sees them when she's with us to about once a week though, which has helped my sanity. Good luck! If it's possible to move, I'd suggest going to a place with some other mothers/couples so you could all take turns watching the kids.

Michelle - posted on 08/25/2010

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Talk to mom and be honest, in a loving way, not in an accusing way and it WILL work out! She obviously loves your daughter and will want to work with you!

Lisa - posted on 08/25/2010

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We went through this (and sometimes still go through it). When my oldest was born we had Grandma Daycare (my partner's mother), until our second was about 6 months and I became a SAHM. This was their first grandchild and she was HORRIBLE. I was mad as all get-go because she was becoming spoiled rotten lil'...
My partner knew where the behavior was coming from and he did talk to his mom politely about not cuddling her so much letting her know that we were having behavior issues at home. However, we both knew that because this was grandma, there was going to be some sort of cuddling. Our decision was that there are different rules at home than there are at grandma’s. It took awhile but she did learn that how she acted at Grandma’s would not be acceptable at home. There was one day where we had stopped at Grandma’s and she went on about some drama and I gave grandma the eye and grandma did admit that she “created” this.
I wouldn’t address the issue with grandma in a negative way. I would explain that you and your husband are having behavioral issues with your daughter when she is home. Let her know what your rules at home are and ask that she respect those rules in her house so that there is no confusion for your daughter. I wouldn’t threaten to take away her time with her granddaughter because that could cause further problems.
A couple things you could try are having your husband go with when your daughter goes to grandma’s for awhile. Then he can observe her and when she does do something he can explain to her that her behavior is unacceptable at home and that means it is also unacceptable at Grandma’s. The other thing that has worked for me is when we are visiting if my daughter would start to through a behavior, I would tell her that this was her only opportunity to change the behavior or we were leaving because that is not how we act when we visit people. Works for both grandma and daughter!!

Camilla - posted on 08/25/2010

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I have not been in your position but I think your best option would be to talk to her about it. Tell her exactly how you are feeling. A lot of grandparents spoil children especially if it is the only grandchild they have. You need to tell her that if she wants your daughter to spend so much time with her, she needs to be able to discipline her when she is acting up and not give in to her every demand.

I know it is hard to stand up for yourself, especially since it is your fiance's mother. You and your fiance should talk it over, decide what you are going to say to her and speak to her together (have a friend watch your little girl when you go over). Show her a united front and hopefully she will respect your wishes.

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