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Is it appropriate for a teacher to ask a young child if they get spanked?

Serene - posted on 06/14/2011 ( 103 moms have responded )

577

My son is 3 years old and he was complaining about his butt hurting and I took him to the doctor and his doctor told me that she didn't see anything out of the ordinary, The next day CPS showed up at my house, I was accused of beating my child. My son has eczema and he also has Mongolian spots on him because he is biracial. He had an eczema breakout that morning on his butt and I didn't notice it because he dresses himself. I took him to school and I guess he started complaining about his butt hurting. So, his teacher asked him if I spank him and he said, "Mommy spanks me and my sister London." He started naming everyone in his family spanked him. I'm angry because his teacher didn't even pay attention to what he was saying, so she called CPS on me. I had to take my children back to the doctor and get every Mongolian spot and eczema mark on there body documented. Now I have a case against me.. and it stays on file for 6 months. So is it appropriate for any teacher to ask a child if they get spanked especially a young one?

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Amanda - posted on 07/12/2012

caty i was in same boat pretty much teh first time they came to the house right after school and took all 3 my baby who was 2 had never been away from us and they were taken out of town and missed 3 day of school and my baby was foced to sleep in a reg bed soem thing he never done eighter in a room w my 6 yr and 2 other childen who knows who they are or why they were there while there sister my 8 yr had to sleep in a diff large room w other olther childen they were thankfuly kept in same house teh first time teh 2nd time they came to my in laws were we were it was Dec 23nd a fri afternoon about 3 pm so we had no time to call lawer or court or any thing till after the christmas new year break ya thats right like 8 days of him being away form us on christmas thankfuly he was able to be placed w my in laws for those day we were only allowed to see him w the whoel family there for 2 hrs chirstmas eve that was our chirstmas this year knwoing we had to leave and couldnt be together like we had all planned for chirstmas sos o crushing for all us and teh 3nd time they came to teh house asked about teh tiny briuse on his ear and told me your lieing and get his stuff a cop getting him at school right now the cops and nurse and SRS took pciu of his whole body every time drove him in cops cars to huge hopstials were they stripped him and looked over every inch of him and took photos of every thing all this to my very very shy 6 yr son

Amanda - posted on 07/12/2012

OMG I went thew some thing almost just like this it all started when my 6 yr son was at my moms they live on a farm and he has a lil small child type 4wheeler I neevr thought about thing bad happeing really my mom has had them for long time peiods for years so he wrecked and had a bruise on his face and on his back my mom told me sun night when they came hom it wasnt to very bad just some bruises the one on his face looked kinda bad but he had hit th barn and the 4 wheeler {small } fell over side ways and trapped his leg for a sec whiel my mom got to him he only cried a for a min and went back to playing is what i was told by my mom my 8 yr and my sister who were all there any ways school seen it called SRS and case was opened after all this and the rule it was just an accient after taking all 3 of my childen for 3 days w no conat i was told it was because my 6 yr woudlnt tell them what happen to him he has ALWAY been VERY VERY SHY we told then this and he did tell them his wrecked his 4 wheeler and they told him they didnt beleave that was what happen to him this happen 2 more times over christmas it was becausde i took him to teh dr to get a blood test and told dr i was worried about a bruise i seen on my son peins he told me it was from toilet seat he 6 and a boy so i fig it was from that or him "playing } w it in some way dr said not to worry about it and called SRS in the end of thsi teh school called again for this tiny brusie on his ear it was smaller then a dime but since he had no lcue has he got it they took him out of home again all case was dropped jundge told them to leave us alone and so far they have this caused so much damage to my childen they have been in counsinling SRS wanted us to take them to and only thing mental health has told me is that there stres and moods are from the stress the SRS {child sevries } put on them and our family this was teh owrst thing in my life and i lost my father at 7 and had a drug trouble for a few years so ive been thew some hrad time but them taking my childen when they had no reason we have neevr hurt any of our childen and they never once said we did only the school and SRS seem to have beelaved that still makes me so mad ans scarred that they can just come aroudn and take my childen for 3 days and there nothing i can do till court WTF

Cathy - posted on 09/14/2011

you are not alone, I recently am dealing with cps because my child was spanked. He Had been having problems at school. Talking to him didnt work, taking games and tv and grounding even didnt work.So the teacher calls back pleading with us to do something to correct our child. well he got a much deserved spanking. At so point you have to draw the line and make the child very aware of it. So the next morning I sent him to school. He tells me that the teacher asked him if he was punished and he said yes. she asked him did he get spanked he said yes. So immediately hes taken to the nurses office and made to expose his naked rear end so the nurse could take a pic of his rear. They then called cps. One week goes by, not a call letter or anything. my kids go to school like normal and are then kidnapped by cps, and I say kidnapped because I was never called, no officer had came to my home to tell me what had taken place, nothing. So when the school bus came and went all I knew is my kids were missing. So I called the police had them looking for my kids. You can imagine the terror of not knowing where your kids are. How does CPS explain, I didnt have a phone number to call. Now Im not college educated, im not a butt kissing polition sitting on a bench in youth court. I feel that the only wrong being done here is the shear lack of professionalism, and cowardis that was shown by kiddnapping my kids. When you have kids it its your responsibility to raise your kids. Love them, protect them, cherish them, and disipline them. And any teachers out there understand that when you pray for rain, dont bitch when it does. The actions of this teacher has caused the rest of the kids to lose any trust they had in coming to her if in fact they were abused. But There is a definited difference between the two and they should understand that.

Lisa - posted on 08/26/2011

176

I absolutely agree with the very first response made to this discussion (Sara Hopkins'). As a teacher (8th grade), very few of my students in the last 10+ years have made it to my grade if they were abused at home. My colleagues who teach younger students are constantly on the alert for warning signs, but our school policy is to discuss it with administrators first, then the parents. Parents are told that a report will be made to CPS the next day for their follow up. Sad, but sometimes necessary.

Morgan - posted on 08/24/2011

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I think it's ok when I child is bait older and can really understand what's being asked, you can say to my 19 month old "did you have fun at the park?" and she will say yes mommy even if she didn't go anywhere that day, so IMO 3 is a bit young

Michelle - posted on 08/24/2011

My parents spanked when I was little...but when I started school in 71, they had their lawyer draw up a writ stating that under no circumstances was ANY school official to spank, pop, or strike me (or my sisters.) Their position was if I was misbehaving so badly it warranted pops, then my parents should have been notified a LONG time ago. My first grade teacher pooh poohed that..and when I forgot my homework one day, she dragged me to an empty 5th grade classroom, did NOT close the door, pulled up my skirt, pulled down my panties, and spanked my bottom, in full view of the 5th graders walking by on their way to lunch. I told my dad when I got home, and that next day, when he got off work, he stormed into her class and demanded to talk to her. (Im 46 and I remember this like it was yesterday...right down to what he was wearing.) She got all uppity and said, Mr Clark, I have conference times. Please respect that. And she turned. her. back. on my DAD! He stepped forward and said, "Woman, you best get your ass out in the hallway or Ill drag you out by your hair. Why in the hell should I respect your conference times, when you disrespected us by totally ignoring a letter from our lawyer?" She went out in the hall, and I heard my dad say, "If you EVER lay ONE hand on my daughter again, I will not only sue you personally, but this school, and this district. This school will be the Donald W Clark Elementary school...NOT Atkinson Elementary. Do you understand me?!" I remember one student going, "Who's dad is THAT?" And I said, "Mine."
(To this day, I think that's why guys were afraid to ask me out all through school..)
But no....its not a teachers place to spank..and its an invasion of privacy for them to ask a child if he/she is spanked. Unless there are signs of abuse--bruises, cuts, other injuries--then teachers need to concentrate on teaching. Esp in Texas. Our public schools are HORRIBLE.

Steph - posted on 08/24/2011

I would say it is appropriate for a school to ask any questions of they are concerned a csild is beimg hurt. You soumd li,e you have nothing to worry aout, but thk if a chid was being hurt badly and the schools didnt say anything. That would be wrong. Mu daujgger came oit of school oe day saying her headmaster had asked her questions about whether i hit or starve my son. He had told school i held him up by his throat against a wall and that i dpnt let him have breakfast. They could ave gone strait to social services with this nfo but they didntt, they spoke to his older sister (who assued them i have never done either!) and they were happy with that, before lecturing my son on not telling lies about people and how much trouble thaycan get them in to. But i dnt blame the schoolbecause ofmq child WAS being hurt by their parent how else would they know?

And spanking is not illegal in the UK, hitting a child and leaving a mark is illegal. The law recognises the differemce between a spank and a beating.

Lori - posted on 08/23/2011

The problem for mom is the expense and time she now has to give to agencies that would benefit her family more. But bravo to mom for hanging in there.

Lori - posted on 08/23/2011

My theory better safe than sorry. I do not like how some call without a good foundation or to cause a problem. But in this situation it may be a little overkill on the caregivers part. But if it was a child with a problem. I would say you probably have a civil suit against the teacher. But where should they draw that line. Better to error on the side of safe.

Christine - posted on 08/23/2011

Joumana ... yes smacking your children is abuse.

Jay - posted on 08/23/2011

@billie jo block
spanking IS illegal in Ireland. And in the UK too. I agree with this because it is illegal to slap an adult and so it should be to slap a child too (IMO). ps I was spanked as a child. Plus Serene doesn't even mention if she does/doesn't spank.xxx

Joumana - posted on 08/23/2011

I didnt think you were supposed to ask questions like that, children always seem to agree with what you ask them. The questions need to be open to reveal the truth rather than what the adult wants to hear. Also, most parents smack their children from time to time, is that abuse is it?

Chelsea - posted on 08/01/2011

i would say that it is not appropriate because that is none of their business for one and other a child as young as 3 doesn't always even know what they are talking about. Kids say the the silliest things sometimes and most of the time they are untrue. calling cps is taking it too far she should have called you 1st.

Adele - posted on 07/30/2011

A teacher should always report such incidents it is a protective measure. You should also have a medical report made by your health visitor explaining the things that you child suffers from and in which ways it affects the child. If this is in place the teacher should have phoned you to come and check if he had a breakout on his bottom thus explaining the pain before contacting CPS. If you have not done this I suggest you do it now as I know my sons school has one on him and I have no problems. Hope this helps.

Sarah - posted on 07/29/2011

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I've worked at daycares and preschools for many years, and in our state the caregivers are legally bound to report any suspicion of neglect or abuse. You are not allowed, though, to "plant ideas" in a child's head by specifically asking "did your mom do ____?"

So while I think the teacher had the best intentions in mind, I agree with a previous poster that she should have asked "Why does your bottom hurt" or "what happened to your bottom" rather than "does your mom spank you." I don't believe she meant any harm; she was simply trying to put your son's welfare first. Perhaps she should have gone about it a different way, but try not to take it personally and do recognize that unless the investigators find reason to do otherwise, your record will be wiped clean after the 6 month probation period.

Sal - posted on 07/29/2011

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and lyndal. i am aussie and i rarely see young girls in my childcare centers or preschool. i would estimate atleast 75-80 of the centres and services i use or have used are mums or grandmothers

Sal - posted on 07/29/2011

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in aus it is manatory reporting, so i agree that if the teacher thought there was abuse she HAD to report...
one thing i would like to add however is that what a child says and what an adult hear aren't always the same thing....yes mummy spanks me....adult hears this kid is abused, when the reality is he might get spanked but he fell off the trampoline and hurt his butt....
my sister had docs called on her becasue her son had a black eye, it was an inocent injury where he was reaching for the stove and she pushed him away, maybe a little too hard but that was the full extent of the incident, except he stumbled and hit is head on the mop bucket, (yes the bucket should of been away, but her son should still of been napping too, life doens't always go to plan) when the teacher asked what happened he truthful said mummy pushed me over.....she got a docs report, simple misunderstanding

Sheila - posted on 07/28/2011

I don't think the point of this question was to determine of the teacher should have reported. I think the point was to ask if it's appropriate to ask a 3-year-old if he gets spanked. In my opinion, in this particular case, it seems like an appropriate starter question may have been to ask an open-ended question, like "WHY does your butt hurt", instead of jumping straight to "are you being spanked".

Finally...so you have a case against you...so what? Did you abuse your children? No. The CPS report will indicate that a responsible teacher mistakenly assumed that Mongolian spots were bruises, and that a responsible parent sought medical treatment for their child's eczema. I don't see what the problem is.

Stifler's - posted on 07/28/2011

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Just because someone doesn't spank their kids doesn't mean that they have absolutely no discipline or consequences for bad behaviour in their home.

Pat - posted on 07/28/2011

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spanking is not abuse. beating is. neglect is. if parents swatted fannies more often, this society would have at least a few more kids that showed some respect. i also dont think a teacher or anyone, should assume abuse. its ridiculous how often this happens, yet other situations there is a true problem and nothing is done.

Mikenna - posted on 07/25/2011

Yes, she probably could have listened a bit closer, but I work at an elementary school (special ed teacher's aid) and if we hear a child say anything at all about possibly being abused or neglected in any way, we HAVE to report it or we could be fired. Even if we know the child is prone to lying. There was a teacher in the district last year who didn't report suspected abuse (because the student was prone to lying)...turned out the kid was being abused and yep, she was fired. It really stinks that sometimes really good parents like yourself have this sort of thing happen to you, but as teachers, we are required by law.

Beautiful - posted on 07/22/2011

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wether she spanks or not has nothing to do with what she posted and the teacher calling cps.

Sylvia - posted on 07/22/2011

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In that situation (child complains that his behind hurts, he has what looks like bruises and I have no way of knowing they aren't, I am a mandated reporter), yes, I would do exactly what the teacher did. Put yourself in her place. With only the knowledge she had, what would you have done in the same situation? Do you really think a teacher should just not care when one of her students appears to have bruises from a "spanking"?

By the way, you don't say in your post whether or not you actually do spank your kids. I'm guessing you do, though, because IME people who don't hit their kids tend not to get so defensive about it.

Keri - posted on 07/22/2011

It is appropriate if a teacher suspects abuse. Consider if a child were being abused and a teacher didn't report it and let it go on. It's their responsibility to speak up for children who may not speak up for themselves. I'm sorry this happened to you, but I work with a ton of children who this DOES happen to. It's a teacher's responsibility to protect the children in their care, and we can be held legally liable if we allow it to go unreported.

Julie - posted on 07/16/2011

What a horrible thing to happen to you...but rememeber

anyone can ask a child if they get spanked...but doesn`t mean they will get the truth...some chn will say what someone wants them to say...the tone of voice etc...suggest YES..or No...etc ....in a school where a teacher asks there maybe a reason due to some other issues being brought to the teacher`s attention ... if you have a problem with a teacher`s behaviour or a school policy...ask for an appmtnt with the Principal or a Senior Teacher...maybe take some one along with you for support too...explain your concern and ask what is going on? I would expect you to have some form of relationship with your child`s care giver and if not...then work on one...a few words at drop off and pick up each day...a bit of lingering and interest...helps let them know who you are and what you are like and also let`s them feel more approachable to you ... I would be straight up and explain how horrified you were and explain the consequences and what has happened to you...not only the record and the hurt of the suggestions but also the cost of more Doctors visits etc etc...I am wondering why there was no mention of these health conditions on your child`s heath cards...and thus the teachers would be aware or alerted to the condition you describe???

I think we should be grateful that others care enough about our kids to keep alert... but once again..I am wondering why you weren`t apporached first and also why things weren`t on a health card etc.

May things get better for you and hopefully this horrible experince will alert you to some precautions in the future.

Christy - posted on 07/13/2011

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Holy moly this has turned into a full on debate! Got my pop corn in hand.......

Kellie - posted on 07/13/2011

The teacher has a LEGAL OBLIGATION to report suspected abuse (they can be fired and loose any chance of employment if they suspect abuse and don't report it). However, asking a leading question (one that requires yes or no answers) is not an appropriate way to elicit information from a child that age. A more appropriate way would have been for the teacher to ask the child "why" and let the child elaborate. Also, teachers, school administrators and sitters need to be made aware of conditions that involve the health of the child (even if not contagious) so they can properly help the child deal with those conditions. The teacher should have reported suspicions to administrators rather than directly to CPS however who should have more training in dealing with questioning a child of that age.

Christine - posted on 07/12/2011

I agree and it is the teachers responsibility to report any suspected abuse. I was one of those children who fell thru the cracks because the teachers didn't want to "butt in" and ask.

Kate CP - posted on 07/12/2011

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When children start to "lie" about being abused (saying they are when nothing has happened) it's usually because they are following cues from the adult who is questioning them and answering in a way they think will make the adult happy. Children want to please adults and get make their parents happy. If they think an adult wants to hear that they were abused the stories they will come up with will curl your hair.

Jessie - posted on 07/12/2011

I like that the teacher asks that and reported it. This is in place for the kids that are truly being abused. I am sorry that happened to you and I hope it doesn't cause you any more problems. However, I look at it as the teacher doing what they feel is necessary to protect our kiddos in today's age of abusive parents.

Ella - posted on 07/12/2011

we're not talking about lying about being abused here if you are reffering to my child we're talking about how children have a big imagination

Christine - posted on 07/12/2011

and what child would "wish" that someone abused or hit them. I was abused as a child and I never said that I was abused. Most children who lie about abuse say that they are not abused when they are. Not the other way around.

Kate CP - posted on 07/12/2011

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3 year olds don't lie with the idea of "Oh, I'm being deceitful and not telling the truth!" They lie with the thinking of "I *wish* this is how it happened/happens."

Cheryl - posted on 07/12/2011

Yes, as long as it is ok for a parent to ask a young child if the teacher/day care provider/or anyone at the day care is spanking or touching them and where!
You have to be aware of who is watching your children, and any changes in their behavior, or changes in their life style.

Tina - posted on 07/12/2011

this is a tough one. I understand your anger and pain at what you are going through with CPS. Teachers have an obligation to protect children then suspect are being abused. If the child complains about his butt hurting I can see how she would like to find out why. If your son went on and on about spankings, then yes, she should report it for your childs safety. She does not have the right to physically inspect his body (which could be reported as sexual abuse if she had gotten him naked to examine him) so I think she did do the right thing.
As for as you and CPS, I know it is a scary thing, especially if you have done nothing. By documenting his spots and the rashes, you can protect yourself and him. As horrible as it is that you have to go through this, CPS will leave you alone after you show your child has a reason for a hurting butt (eczema) If there is nothing else on his body and no reason for further investigation, it will be resolved. CPS is there to protect children. While I agree the teacher did the right thing, I understand that it is hurting you and your family. Do what you need to do for CPS and understand the teacher was doing the right thing. As angry as you may be at the situation, imagine if this was another child and she did not ask adn that child ended up being beaten to death. It happens so much. Sad our world it like that to our children but she was only tryign to protect him. Try to see it from this point and you may feel better about why she did what she did.
I know this is scary and infuriating. Try to get past that, knowing your teacher cared enough to do something. Founded or not, she HAS to report it.

Ella - posted on 07/11/2011

I was answering the OP, you seem to be the one bringing the spanking debate into it? I simply gave advice to the OP. 3 yrs old do tell stories all the time it is the age, They don't mean to. And they are definately not taught to do it. I find it quite cute. My daughter till be on the phone to someone and say "poppys here" to her auntie, when she knows he's not. Its just an age thing

Kellie - posted on 07/11/2011

1,994

Number 1. IMO once is too many. What if you did something wrong and I hit you? You'd cry bloody murder and run to the cops and have me charged with assault. Why then is it ok to hit your child?

Number 2. Because children do NOT lie and twist and tell half truths unless they have been conditioned to do so.

Number 3. This is NOT a fricken spanking debate, if you want to debate and or justify hitting your child please start a new thread.

Ella - posted on 07/11/2011

I am surprised you can just assume I woudl hit my child for that? What are you on? I have clearly stated I don't smack very often

Ella - posted on 07/11/2011

the reason I ask her in that way is to make sure I am told the truth, because I DO need to know what and when and how often she is smacked so if need be I can go back to my mother about it, if I have an issue sevre enough. SO you missed my point entirly. My 3 yr old is very smart, but we were getting conflicting information, one minute she did smack her then she didnt, so thats why we changed the way we approached it. Because rather then causing conflict asking my mum I will only ask my mum and approach it if there IS a problem and it has been done too much