Is it fair to want a holiday without the step child?

Anne Marie - posted on 09/20/2012 ( 212 moms have responded )

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I have 3 girls who do not see there bio dad and call there step dad there dad, they considerhim dad in ever way. My husband has an 8 year old who comes over on the weekend, she is vry demanding, misses her mum dearly and my husband and I have had many very heated arguments and break ups overissues with his child. we have been on interstate holidays with her before and they are so stressful when we were discussing our next holiday I said I didnt want the step daughter to come, given she is only here one or two days a week anyway, we had planned to holiday fo atleast 7 days, this has caused a huge argument and my husband hasnt been home in 4 days am I being unreasonable to just want a holiday with our full time family just once?

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Jodi - posted on 09/20/2012

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If your girls are going, his daughter should be just as welcome. Sorry, my answer is no, it isn't fair. I understand you find it stressful. Believe me, I understand. That last holiday we had, my step son's mother made it difficult for us, and we had to make separate travel arrangements for my husband and his son, than I did for the rest of us at the last minute because of it. It was incredibly stressful. But it is never fair to exclude one child from the family. And she IS your family. You made that choice when you married your husband.



It sounds like you need to step back and understand that when you married your husband, you also took on his relationship with his daughter. I can totally understand him feeling upset that you are not wanting to include her in what is a family holiday - you have essentially said to him you don't want her to be part of the family. I know you didn't say that in so many words, but that would be what he is hearing.



You can't keep referring to your daughters as your "full time family" and exclude his daughter as being an equal in your family without hurting him.

Amy - posted on 09/20/2012

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I agree with the other ladies...no it's not fair. You stated that your husband is your daughters step dad, how would you feel if he said he wanted a holiday with just you two & his daughter without "the step kids"? I realize it is different to you because your girls live with you but if you expect him to accept your children as his the you need to be willing to accept his child as yours. Just my opinion :) good luck

Dove - posted on 09/20/2012

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When you blend a family you have to accept ALL the children as if they were your own.... otherwise the relationship will never last. Nor should it as being 'rejected' is very damaging to a child. Sorry.

Gwen - posted on 09/21/2012

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Yes, you are wrong. How would you like it if he asked you to leave one of YOUR kids at home because he didn't like her?? To exclude one child from the family is a terrible idea! Imagine that child's hurt when she finds out everyone else went without her.



Of course she is demanding...first the rug was probably yanked out from under her when her parents split up, now she has 3 more siblings to compete with for her dad's attention and a step-mom she knows doesn't like her!



I know it sounds harsh, but cut the kid (and your husband) some slack! He's taken on raising your 3 kids as his own and then you turn around and ask him to choose them over his daughter. That's just wrong.

Kimberly - posted on 09/21/2012

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I think that you are being extremely unreasonable and more important, extremely selfish. When you married your husband, you knew that he had a child/children and you should be prepared to accept them as your own children. He has accepted yours as his and if he acted the way you are acting, you would feel the same way and not wish to be around. Speaking from experience, my stepdad is who I consider my father/dad and I am now 33 years old. I also had extreme difficulties and anxiety when having to go with my biological dad on weekends, etc. I still have anxiety issues over some things and it has now impacted me as an adult when my 3 1/2 year old son does not want to go with his father and cries, reaching for me. You need to be the adult in this situation and do what you can within reason to make his daughter feel welcome and a part of the family as he does your children.

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Katherine - posted on 10/12/2012

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Due to the OP not returning to this post and the amount of responses, I am locking this thread.



Thanks,

Katherine

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Ramona - posted on 10/12/2012

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Wow your wrong, I have 2 kids and he has 3 kids. Mine are here 365 and his are with us everyother week. You need to deal with it, Miss selfish.

Rose - posted on 10/12/2012

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I agree with what I have seen. You married him and he has a child. You have three daughters that you expect him to love and care for. He is not asking any more of you than what he has already given to your girls. So figure out a way to make the holidays happy for the family and that includes from what I can tell 4 daughters and you and your husband. The other way to resolve is let this girl win and you and him divorce. Dig your heels in, suck it up and be a part time mom to her and understand what you are asking him to do is not have his daughter. What if he said he would love only you and did not want your girls? Now you have put your self where you have put him.

Jessica - posted on 10/12/2012

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I don't know if this well help, I'm a divorce parent as well and I see it easier and less stressful when I do my holidays a week earlier with my children. Then on the main day with the rest of the family. Been doing for years and still enjoy every minute of it.:)

Michele - posted on 10/12/2012

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Would you leave "your" kids out if they were behaving badly? As a parent and YES as a step parent you have a responsibility to the CHILDREN when they are misbehaving as well as when they are behaving! I can't even fathom that some people would think it is ok for this child to be excluded because she is a "step" and doesn't live with her dad full time, that's just plain MEAN. It's like a criminal getting off on a technicality, well she doesn't live here full time so technically she isn't part of the "real family", really? GROW UP, put on your big girl panties and stop acting like a child yourself, news flash MOTHERHOOD IS HARD and a full time job! You don't get to disregard the children because they misbehave. First off apologize to your husband who has taken care of YOUR children, his STEP children, #2 modify your behavior toward this child because she obviously feels she is not part of the family, #3 discuss with your husband how to deal with the situation and her behavior when she is with you in a reasonable way, not excluding her from the family and finally remember that even though she may be misbehaving, it may be because she is hurting on the inside so have a little sympathy for the child and try some positive parenting.

Destiny - posted on 10/12/2012

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I am sorry and mean no disrespect but as a mother that question alone should necwr exsist. Tgis man has welcomed and taken care of your girls like his own but yet you eqnt to deny his own daighter the holiday your girls get to go on? How would you frel. Difficult or not as a parent you do not love your child less because they act out and most of the time children act put for a reason maybe instead of thinking how to not allow her to come maybe insteaf you should be greatful she has a wondwrful dad who raised your girls as well and think of a way to help her woth her problems and make this trip enjoyable.

Dianne - posted on 10/11/2012

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Not at all. You have a very valid and reasonable reason for feeling the way you do. DON'T LET UP ON THE,WAY YOU FEEL

Amelia - posted on 10/10/2012

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No way would that be fair or right in any way to ask that she not be there! I come from a split family and I am also raising two children in one. So I do understand the dynamics. I have a 4 yr old son and my stand and I have a 4 mth old daughter. My son does see his father more now which wasnt always the case but also sees my husband as a dad. If your girls see your husband as dad then you should be thankful and blessed. And I hope your response to that is not that he is the only father figure they have had and I hope it's because he has never made them feel any different than they were his own. Did you ever stop to think that it has not been easy for your girls or think about those times that it has been "difficult" with "his" daughter for you that maybe she is dealing with a lot!! Not only does she feel that you don't want her around, which you are not setting a good example for your girls by acting this way, but she sees that your girls who are not HER DADDY'S bio kids get to be with him all the time. When you make the commitment to have mixed families you don't get to choose who gets to participate in what family activities. There should not be a "full time" or "part time" family! You made the commitment to be a family of 6 not 6 sometimes. Especially the holidays, I mean really you should be ashamed of yourself. Maybe don't focus on "her" bad behavior but focus on what you and your WHOLE family can do to make it easier for everyone. You keep this up and you will be lucky if he doesn't leave you for good. It takes a very special person to love, accept and treat a child that's not bio their own like they are. Not saying its ever a perfect situation or that it will always be easy but even biological families who stay together have to work at it and make exceptions. Think about how you would feel if this were the other way around. I'm sure it is not easy for dad either and when your step daughter is only with you so seldom it makes it harder to address what the problem really is and clearly you spend most of the time she is there aggravated by it. None of those kids asked to be put in this situation so all parents involved need to make it a priority to see that the all get the fairest chance at a "normal" and loving life and nothing less.

Shelby - posted on 10/09/2012

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I am the step-mom of an 8yr old girl and 10yr old boy. 99% of people who know our family casually probably have no idea that they are not mine biologically. I'm just Mom. I love my kids........but there are days I really don't like them. So I totally get where you are coming from asking this question. The thing is, this little girl is a part of your family. So, in my opinion she needs to be included. Unless scheduling or some other logistics make it impossible.

My 8yr old girl deals with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and a behavioral attachment disorder. It can be ridiculously rough some days. Check out some reading materials on these two.....there is a LOT of great info out there - diagnosis or not, from what little you mentioned, it might help. Basiically it comes down to a lot of patience and love- and finding some coping strategies to keep you and your hubby sane. Counseling REALLY does help.

On a last note...... I saw a ton of responses mentioning what you "signed up for" or a "package deal" that's true, yet in another way - at least in my experience sometimes you get a lot more than you bargained for. But end of the day, your choices are to find a way to deal or walk away. Good luck!

Shelby - posted on 10/09/2012

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I am the step-mom of an 8yr old girl and 10yr old boy. 99% of people who know our family casually probably have no idea that they are not mine biologically. I'm just Mom. I love my kids........but there are days I really don't like them. So I totally get where you are coming from asking this question. The thing is, this little girl is a part of your family. So, in my opinion she needs to be included. Unless scheduling or some other logistics make it impossible.

My 8yr old girl deals with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and a behavioral attachment disorder. It can be ridiculously rough some days. Check out some reading materials on these two.....there is a LOT of great info out there - diagnosis or not, from what little you mentioned, it might help. Basiically it comes down to a lot of patience and love- and finding some coping strategies to keep you and your hubby sane. Counseling REALLY does help.

On a last note...... I saw a ton of responses mentioning what you "signed up for" or a "package deal" that's true, yet in another way - at least in my experience sometimes you get a lot more than you bargained for. But end of the day, your choices are to find a way to deal or walk away. Good luck!

Julie - posted on 10/09/2012

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I just wish people knew how to spell!! That's all I ask for in this world - is it too much??! Sorry. Had to vent and this seemed like a great post to do it on. LOL :)

Crystal - posted on 10/09/2012

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I agree with the other ladies. You cannot exclude his daughter just because she makes it a little more difficult for you. You should be trying to make things easier with her instead of excluding her just because she doesn't live with you full time. Any extra time with her dad is great for their relationship.

Jacqueline - posted on 10/08/2012

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I don't think there is more to add than the other lovely ladies have added. You are being totally unreasonably. Don't forget your daughters are his step kids too and imagine him wanting a holiday with just you and his daughter. You should accept her no matter how stressful. Your daughters have their short comings too but you manage and blind yourself to it so do same for your step-daughter, treat her as urs even if its for once in a week. Good luck

Kelly - posted on 10/08/2012

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When you married him, he came as a package deal! Bravo to him for standing up for his daughter. How do you think that makes him feel having to choose between his wife and child. Shane on you!

Shannon - posted on 10/08/2012

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You're being unreasonable. He has accepted your children and you, flaws and all. You owe it to his daughter and to him to accept her fully. If one of the issues is that she misses her mum, why don't you just ask the child if she'd rather stay with her mom or go on holiday with you? Odds are that she'll choose her mom. Honestly, if I were your.husband, I'd leave you too. You're an adult and you appear to be jealously a child. You want your hubby all to yourself, you don't want to share. Perhaps she acts out because you aend children exclude her and make feel unwelcome. Shame on you!

Nicole - posted on 10/08/2012

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I've never enjoyed one vacation I have taken with my family. I know. That sounds (and is,) terrible. But vacations, for me, just aren't all-around enjoyable. As a mom there's a lot of preparation & work that goes into taking the family on vacation & my daughter *is* quite difficult, she is demanding and well, honestly, she doesn't always have the best attitude when she doesn't get her way. She's 10 and she has ADHD. You know what else she is? My kid. My SO and I, (who she calls Dad,) really try to make things as smooth as possible for her at home, but like many parents who have to deal with blended families, the rules are different at everyone's house.



Your step-daughter is eight. I don't know how old you are, but with three of "your own," little one's in tow, I have a hard time sympathizing with a woman, who at your age, cannot seem to empathize with an *eight year old* who is going through alot right now, between still coming to terms with her parents separation, their divorce, her father's remarriage and the sudden introduction of three new siblings.



Do you have the right to a "family vacation" without your step-daughter... just you & your "full-time" family? Sure. Hell, none of us have to do anything other than pay taxes and die, the rest is fully negotiable. Please don't try to kid yourself, or the rest of us here, or most importantly, your husband!, ... that it's a "family vacation" your step-daughter and your husband deserve more than that. Without your step-daughter there, you're missing part of your family. Real Mom's a Dad's who accept their husbands / wives children would know better, difficult child or not.



We all have our crosses to bear, sorry to say it, if your husband and you have "broken up" over this issue... if he's left the house for *FOUR* days now, (perhaps more?,) then there's a lot more going on here than you're letting on, or than you are understanding. I'm assuming your step-daughter hasn't been in your home since your husband left. Is he staying with his daughter and ex-wife during this time? Rather than being concerned on if you should *have to* take your step-daughter on vacation with your children, I would honestly think your time would be better spent, more productive ascertaining your children's well-being, since they've basically just had the only father they've ever known abandon them for almost a week. It must be terrifying for them & for you.



My last point is, and I am truly sorry for how harshly I'm responding to this, but as a child of step-parents, (yes, two,) and a mother of a step-child, (my biological daughter,) as the cousin of a step-child who's mother would literally THROW herself in front of a moving vehicle to protect her step-son who she has always treated as an equal to his "naturally" born brother & whom we have (as an entire family unit,) always loved & cherished as one of our own, because he IS one of our own, I simply cannot fathom your attitude towards your step-daughter. We all have difficult children. If your kids (the ones you count,) are so perfect, then perhaps you haven't been able to build up the parenting skills you need in order to effectively parent, but my guess is from your response & the fact that your husband just lit out for days on end that you BOTH, you and your husband are ill-equipped to have children. The lack of maturity on both of your parts is completely disheartening. Perhaps the $$$ you've socked away for a family vacay would be better spent getting your entire clan, step-daughter included, into family counseling. It sounds like you, your husband and your eight year old daughter could use a safe place to talk this through.

Ashley - posted on 10/08/2012

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I have a 12 year old step daughter. Her father and I have been married for 9 years. We used to be so close, she chose to call me mom even though she still had her mother in her life. In the last 4 years, our relationship has deteriorated completely. Her mother and my husband had 50/50 physical custody until a few years ago. We felt allowing her to be with her mother full time and US every other weekend was in her best interest. We were wrong. Since then, her grades suffer and she is incredibly hostile and disrespectful to me. I know first hand what you are going through although I think it would be wrong to exclude her from your family trips and gatherings. She is part of the family just like your children . My step daughter chooses not to come to our house and is old enough to make that decision according to Texas. Her mother acts like her friend as she was 16 when she had her. I am a parent, I have rules in ny house, and she doesn't like it. Even though she is a handful, she is always given the opportunity to be a part of our family activities. If you exclude your step child, the acting out will escalate. Remember, these are children.

Kimberly - posted on 10/08/2012

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I am a step mother to a child who, initially, was really rather difficult. Have I ever wanted to leave him out of "family" trips? Yes. Have I ever actually done so? No. I respect my husband enough to know that to even suggest such a thing would be terribly hurtful to him. He is a better father to my three children than their own dad's and I know it has not always been easy for him either. I agree with many posters here who have suggested that you take some time and wholeheartedly try to bond with your step daughter. When you chose to enter into a marriage with this man you knew she came as a package deal just as he took your children on as a package deal. It is not fair to her or your husband to view her as anything less than an equal member of your family. My guess is you could all benefit from some family counseling and I would highly recommend that you find a good therapist or pastor to talk to. I hope you are able to resolve your issues before they become so bad that there is no way to. God Bless

Shenna - posted on 10/08/2012

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No that is not fair...at all...its sctuslly kind if hurtful and mean! The child is 8 years old- it's not like she's intentionally causing trouble...she's 8. When you married him you agreed to take in all his family, especially his children. . What would you do if your husband said he wanted a holiday without the other 3 children? I can guess that you would also be supwr pissed at him. Is she really that bad & yours are perfect? I'm going to guess NO! I came from a blended family & know what's its like to feel excluded ( step siblings would go on trips all the time but never just my sister & I with our parents). If you go through with this, you will only cause worse problems for every member of your family. Given that you said, "she is only here one or two days a week anyways," dont you think she should spend MORE time with you guys because that could be part of the problem. Here is a little girl who only sees her dad a few times a week & now she suddenly has to share HER father with YOUR kids & they see him more than her. What kid wouldnt have issues?! Come on- YOU are the adult!!

Bev - posted on 10/08/2012

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What everyone keeps forgetting is they have no children together....and husband wants his daughter to go just as much as she wants hers to go....this is her kids and his kid and she doesn't want his to go (or at all) and he DOES want his child to go....all are step kids...I have had step kids now and in the past...I would never ask my husband to leave his child out of anything...

Tamara - posted on 10/08/2012

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My husband's daughter was 10 when he and I married. His 1st marriage ended when the daughter was about 1 yr old, so I have nothing to do with the demise of that relationship. Stepdaughter is now 17 and we have an almost 4 yr old. Our relationship has been negatively impacted by her mother and her aunt, so it is somewhat stressful when she is in our home and our relationship is not great. How can you be expected to plan all your holidays around someone who you have 15% custody of their time? We get to live 100% of the time, not just the 15% of the time she is with us. There is no way that we can include the stepdaughter on all vacations and family events and restrict everyone else's schedules to the 15% that we have my husband's daughter. If she is with us, she is included. If she is with her mom, she is included on any friend/family plans there. For some important events we invite her on her mom's time. Some of your are WAY TO CRITICAL!!!

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Yes, I agree about the stepchildren, they should absolutely be able to post. My apologies. Other than that, I feel that stepmoms who get along with their children should only have something positive to offer as long as it is something encouraging, but not to make Anne feel like crap because she does not like her stepchild. IF they worked through their differences and sorted them out and some useful info can be obtained from this, then yes I agree. But not to sit up on the perch and look down at her because they have a stepchild that is an angel that they have always gotten along with. Also for people to say that this is the WORST thing they have ever heard of??? Really???? So reading/watching the news about mothers who murder or burn or lock their children in closets, all of the other atrocities that are carried out on children on a daily basis and someone seriously says this is the worst thing they have ever heard and that she is praying that the mother takes the stepchild away and that she is praying for Anne's children as well??? WTF? It's insane seriously.

Heather - posted on 10/08/2012

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Sue - Not everyone is saying that Anne is a Monster. Your comment about who should be able to post is wrong. Some people have been the step-child and I think that they have a very good view on how Anne's step-daughter might be feeling. The opinions of the step-parents who get along with their step-children should be valued since they have already worked though the drama. Anne posted her question for opinions, and everyone has their own. Just because you don't like the opinion does not mean that they are not valid opinions.



Anne Marie Gielis - I would love an update. If you would be so kind as to update us on whats going on.

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Anne Marie Gielis - consider the source of some of these replies. How many of these replies that tell you that you are a monster and that everyone needs to run in the opposite direction fast because their lives are at stake being around you, how many of these people posting are actually the divorced mom, the one who has the brat of a child that they know would have to drive the stepmom crazy yet they insist that her child is treated with nothing but pure unadulterated love. Yeah right. You shouldn't be able to respond unless you have a stepchild for one, and for two you don't get along with the stepchild. Those are the only peoples advice that is actually useful and whose criticism is warranted. You other people need to go find someone else to get off on. I actually never knew there were so many perfect mothers in this world that they can criticize another mother to such an extent, over one paragraph, one question. WOW!

Chris - posted on 10/08/2012

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While having hubby's daughter can be stressful, she should be included. Let me ask this...was hubby becoming a daddy to your three girls always smooth sailing? I imagine they made it rough on him at times too! They may have completely accepted him now and he may have completely accepted them as his, but the difference is they spend the majority (if not all) of their time with him/you. (I don't recall seeing anything indicating they visit a dad elsewhere.) They have had time to work through the rough patches and reach this point. Hubby's little girl spends the majority of her time with her bio mom. Her bio mom may very well be saying things to her that contribute to the difficulty in her adjusting to the dad's new family situation. And like another poster said, a lot of kids want their parents to get back together and hand on to that idea for a long time, even when they deep down know that is not going to happen..and they may not really want it to even happen. Hubby will see for himself eventually what she is doing if she is deliberately manipulating. But your role is to support you hubby and help him treat all kids fairly and to love his daughter unconditionally as a member of his/your family. You and hubby should sit down and come to an agreement on what is expected of all your kids and what the consequences are. Avoid being a tattletale to hubby of her behaviors if you do not do the same for the three kids that live with you. Then have a family meeting to go over the house rules and expectations of all the kids should be done with her present. Meanwhile continue to show her love. Love is not just a feeling but also a decision when it comes to unconditional love. If it was just a feeling, we might have trouble loving our own bio kids some days! That girl desperately needs to know she is loved and wanted in her daddy's/your household. She is probably struggling with jealousy because the other three girls have daddy all the time.

Vicki - posted on 10/07/2012

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What is up with all of you "blended/step moms' expecting to get your "own" family time? The children from your spouse's former marriage are now your children . And, the children you have together (as a married couple), ought not be given more importance than your step children. All of you that have divorced your first spouse have got to take responsibility for your kids' actions. They are hurt, confused, and it is not fair to them that they have all these new people and multiple residences. Anyone that doesn't want to mother/father children that are not their own flesh and blood, should not marry someone with kids!

Kids act out for attention (even if it's negative, it's still attention), and they just want to be loved and accepted.

Vicki - posted on 10/07/2012

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It is not her fault she acts the way she does. She is probably very hurt with the current family situation (her parents are divorced, her dad has a 'new' family, she has new sisters, etc.) When she is with you, it is your husband's duty to discipline her. Your job is to welcome her and love her. You are the mother of four daughters now, but until she feels loved and accepted by you, discipline should be in your husbands' court. Does she have her own bedroom at your house, or at least a room to share with one of your daughters? Do the girls not play together well? Does her father spend any one on one time with her? How much time has gone by since her father's divorce, marriage to you, etc.? Perhaps her mother is a bad influence? I've heard of ex-wives who fill their childrens' heads with lies about their fathers, new wives, new siblings, etc.

To answer your question, though, it is not okay to leave her home while you take a holiday/vacation (unless she or her mother doesn't want her to go). As others have said, when you married her father, you married her as well. I was a single mom when my daughter and I met my husband, and he's always treated her as if she was his own (her bio dad was never in her life). I was a step daughter, and again, was always treated as if I was always my step father's child. My mother did the same for her step children.

Lisa - posted on 10/07/2012

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Also, my children were the step kids in his new marriage and constantly left out by their stepmother. They now have no relationship at all thanks to her. Their dad is a deadbeat now.

Lisa - posted on 10/07/2012

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You should be ashamed of yourself. If you don't consider his child a full time member of tje family, that may be why she acts up. Sounds like YOU don't want her around. Maybe you need to find someone who doesn't have his own children since it seems you are not able to love his child as he does yours. You are extremely selfish.

Stephanie - posted on 10/07/2012

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By all means, you should be able to have a vacation without the added drama the part-time daughter causes.

Julie - posted on 10/07/2012

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Why don't you try to see it from her point of view. It might help your relationship. She might feel left out all the time and her acting out is the only way she knows to get a leg in. Remember you are the adult. It's your responsibility to show her how she is welcome in your family which is by the way her family too.

Donna - posted on 10/07/2012

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nobody surgested that she did not like or love this child merly that she wanted to spend some time with her husband and her girls as a family, its not the childs fault her parents parted and im sure everyone wants whats best for her but please be realistic all she wants is a weeks hoilday to themselvs ,why should everyone else be madto feel bad oever a weeks hoilday, dont understand what al the fuss is about.

Jolie - posted on 10/06/2012

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Sounds like your husband is being the kind of Dad that makes your daughters feel like they are his. Try to do the same for him by valuing his daughter as though she were your own. Some children are much more difficult than others. It is difficult for his daughter to be in this situation and it is through no fault of her own. Try to be understanding and don't take it personally that she prefers her bio Mom. Be thankful that your husband is the kind of man who doesn't want to write off his child. He sounds like a keeper. To love his daughter is loving him. Tell him you're sorry and have a great family vacation. Take a deep breath! You can do it!

Ashley - posted on 10/06/2012

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i understand completely i have 3 step children and i have 2 girls that call their step dad dad who dont see theier bio dad but we also have a son together but every year we switch hoidays with my step childerns mother so that we have our FULL time family celebrate a hoilday together

Jen - posted on 10/06/2012

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No your not being fair. Its obvious that u were not ready for the blended family. Its un fortunate that ur girls do not see their Bio Dad, but ur husband is a part of his daughters life. Accept it. Also, if ur husband has been gone for 4 daysn u have bigger issues than the stepdaughter.

Donna - posted on 10/06/2012

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As a mother of 3 with a step child myself i totally understand were you are coming from, my boys were young when i meet my husband and shortly after we were married they both started to call him dad, even though they still had ample contact with there own father, he had a daughter who came to visit us very often which was not a problem, our problem was his daughters mother who felt that his daughter had to be included in every family event, this did not pan out well and cause troble between my husband and myself as like you we never seemed to have any family time of our own, cutting long story short his daughter soon cottoned on to the fact that she could cause trouble between us all , which led to us making the decision to stop having her visit whilst we had our own children with us, i loved her and tried my best to let her know this but all 3 of our children grew up resenting her because they felt she always had to be put first and was alway included in all family activities. All our children are now in there twenties and friction is still with them.Why dont you both ask your girls if they want her to join them on holiday and if they are happy to include her then take her with you, if not then explain to her that you are going on hoilday and that you will bring her a gift back.

Donna - posted on 10/06/2012

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Hi i dont think you are being unreasonable, after all he choose to be with you and your girls so why cant you have your own hoilday as a family, his child from previous relationship has her own family who she does not share with your girls so why should your girls have to share everything with her, its only a week and you do include her in your family on a weekly basis, its not about pushing her out , all you want is some family time of your own, nobody will think any less of him for not taking her, he will always be her father but he has to start thinking about the family he is in now, i have a friend who also has step children and she ended up resenting them as she had no time with her husband and her children as a family of there own.It is sad that your husband has taken your point of view the wrong way. Stand your ground this time or you will never get any time with your own family,

Kayleigh - posted on 10/06/2012

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I will soon have 2 step children, one is not easy but i make time and love him just the same, U have to except that ur husband comes with a child, just like u are a package with ur 3 girls. One should not be more important that the other, thats why ur husband is upset. He maybe feels she is being made a bit of an outcast with this family holiday and unwelcome.

No child should feel that way. I completely get what ur saying but really hope u can both come to a compromise

Bev - posted on 10/06/2012

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I just read your updated post...you really don't get it...there are FOUR step children not one and since you didn't know her you really can't speak to how she was at five. If indeed you are raising your three step children to be respectful you are certainly not modeling that behavior with this step child and her father. Different rules in different households are pretty much the norm for most families of divorce. I do have to wonder if anyone asked her if it was ok for her fathers step kids to call him dad...my guess is not..and she should have been asked not have you just make that decision and gloat about how wonderful for your kids when you don't find anything wonderful about her....it seem you want this man to be dad to your kids but not to his own....we are not being mean not agreeing with you....but you are wrong....btw did hubby ever return?

Bev - posted on 10/06/2012

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I just read your updated post...you really don't get it...there are FOUR step children not one and since you didn't know her you really can't speak to how she was at five. If indeed you are raising your three step children to be respectful you are certainly not modeling that behavior with this step child and her father. Different rules in different households are pretty much the norm for most families of divorce. I do have to wonder if anyone asked her if it was ok for her fathers step kids to call him dad...my guess is not..and she should have been asked not have you just make that decision and gloat about how wonderful for your kids when you don't find anything wonderful about her....it seem you want this man to be dad to your kids but not to his own....we are not being mean not agreeing with you....but you are wrong....btw did hubby ever return?

Victoria - posted on 10/06/2012

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I just read ur updated post and you didn't say if your husband came back. I just wanted to say do you relize your children are his step children! I don't think many of the people meant to insult you. You asked for opinions thinking you were right and what you heard upset you because 99% of people saying your wrong. Just remember you asked for opinions you just don't like the response. Your children will run into bad children everywhere and they have to learn at some point even if its acceptable for other kids to be bad its not OK for them.

Sheri - posted on 10/06/2012

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Yes! You are asking him to not spend family time with his own child. A child he doesn't get to see often. You are also making home feel your children are more important because they are with you all the time. When in fact they all should be equally important. I can see your frustration because of the step child's behavior but to exclude her from family gatherings, trips, special holidays, etc is wrong.

Betty - posted on 10/06/2012

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One question. Did you know he had child/children before you married? You know you did, so you need to accept them as your own and treat them that way. Treat them the way you want him to treat yours. Good luck to you. Remember it's not the childs fault.

Jessica - posted on 10/06/2012

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I don't feel I'm "high and mighty" as someone else posted.



I can put myself in this girl and her father's place. I know how I would want to be treated. If I ever have a step child(ren), I know that I have RESPECT for another parent's love and relationship they have with their own child.



I could not imagine myself ever asking something so thoughtless.

Jessica - posted on 10/06/2012

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You are too much. You really have a thing against your husband's child, don't you?



I stand by what I said previously. Perhaps she doesn't want to spend any more time at your house because she KNOWS how you feel about her. Kids aren't dumb, they pick up on so much. What kid doesn't want to do something fun? How do your 3 well-behaved, respectful children act towards their step sister? Do they gang up on her? How do they feel towards her?Do they accept her? Hopefully they don't take a cue from you.



You knew about this child when you married her father. You should have found a man with no kids of his own. Then you wouldn't be having this "problem" that you have.



I do think it's incredibly hurtful for his child to be excluded. You talk about raising your children to be respectful of others. You sure don't seem to have much respect for your husband and his relationship with his child to say that you don't want her included in your vacation. What is that teaching them?



She is a child, she will act up; think about it, she has to "share" her dad with new step siblings, her parents are divorced, she has a new step-mom, new step sisters, has to go between homes, a step-mom who doesn't want her around. No wonder she acts like she does. Regardless of how she acted prior to you meeting her. She's had to go through so much. However she behaves shouldn't matter, YOU are the adult. Suck it up and deal with it. Otherwise, do your husband a favor and let him go so he can find someone who can accept his child as he is able to accept another's children. This poor girl and her father deserve way more.

Bev - posted on 10/06/2012

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No one I have read is 'high and mighty' as you put it but many have been in the situation. I see no where that they child was like this before and that doesn't matter...if she doesn't want to take 'step' kids then hers shouldnt go either as they are hubby's 'step' kids and why should he take them if your 'logic' works. Obviously hubby wants her to go and that should be enough if she wants her kids to go. Of course, she can take a trip alone with his step kids (her daughters). As to fault - she is the adult - period. This child should not be penalized because her dad wants to be in her life just because her girls' dad does not.



This whole thing is plain silly to me as her husband wants his ONLY child to go so she should go if wife's children go. Seems to me wife is proud that this man allows her daughters to call him dad but does not want his daughter close to him as well....there are FOUR step kids here not just one......

Lisa - posted on 10/06/2012

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Haha some of u lot are high and mighty it's quite amusing !! I have been and still am in this exact situation and if some of u read properly u will see the kid was like BEFORE Anne Marie was around so how can that b her fault??? Going by all your rules does that mean wen the kids bio mum takes her girl on holiday she has to take her sis too?? No so y should Anne Marie's have to take her on every single holiday works both ways!!! I'm with u all the way Anne Marie!! X x

Lillian - posted on 10/06/2012

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Oh and don't ask for opinions about your actions if you don't want to hear negative feedback. You asked us not the other way around. And if tons and tons of woman are saying you are wrong, well sweetie, your probably wrong.

Lillian - posted on 10/06/2012

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Do you not realize that your children are step children too?! Seriously! Yes she was raised differently from your own bio children but dang. She is probably acting out cause she knows how you feel about her. No matter what you think, she is a child and should always be includes. If I was your husband I wouldn't be coming back. You should never disinclude a child regardless of how you feel. Suck it up and have a damn stressful holiday. As you said when you get back she will return to her mom and you can relax. I know when I go on a long holiday it is always stressful. And ALL my kids are included. Put on your big girl panties and realize that you are in the wrong.

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