is it just me ?

Helen - posted on 04/17/2012 ( 92 moms have responded )

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please respond in an adult manner every one is entitled to their own opinion i do NOT wish to start arguments just to ask you views on adoption in a previous post i was slated for my opinion being against adoption i believe it is wrong i understand different reasons ect my grandma gave my dad up for adoption luckily we see her now which is great however i just dont see it being a good thing i was very young with my first baby and did not have a great deal of money ect but i MADE it work i truly believe if you do not wish to bring a child into this world you should undergo every means available to not allow your self to get pregnant i have four children and do not wish for any more so i made sure i cant have any more if all methods fail its meant to be that its gods will for you to be a mommy any body else feel the same and please lets not be aggressive about this please its just about opinions

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September - posted on 04/18/2012

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If I were in my Mom's situation I would have done the exact same thing Monique. I find it sad that you're basing your opinion on adoption off of one experience you've had. Although it's a very sad experience not all adopted children go through that sort of thing.

Maggie - posted on 04/18/2012

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Monique- Im so sorry your family had to go through that. Im sorry your mother was forced to give up her baby, your brother. Sounds like she loved him and never stopped talking about him. I think this situation is alot different because of the times though..

Right now women are not being forced to give up there babies or sent away. They are given a choice. Your mother most likely would not have given up her baby for adoption if she had a choice, but the choice was already made for her. As you said it was forced.

Krista - posted on 04/18/2012

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apologies for poor spelling or punctuation didnt realize this was a site for properly spelt words only or correctly punctuated did not join to have things like that pulled up on me it does not matter what matters is what is written

For the most part, people here aren't huge sticklers for spelling or punctuation. It is simply that without any punctuation, your posts are VERY difficult to read and understand, which makes it more difficult for people to respond to them.

Monique - posted on 04/18/2012

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In mythe opinion i feel adoption is wrong. My mother was raped by her boyfriend at 16the and got pregnant it being the early 60'sthough and a catholic cops daughter in a upper class neighborhood they FORCED her to give the baby up. She was sent away to have him as well. Those were the times. She always told us about him and all the details including dr's name hospital etc. So when i was old enough i started to search for him. Years later i finally did. Come to find out the "parents" that adopted him thought they couldnt have children. A few years later they got pregnant and decided having him (my brother) was too much for them and gave him up. Then a few years later they decided they could take on the responsibility of having him again. As a result he now has major abandonment issues as well as trust issues with women. I have 4to biological and 2I step kids. Yeah times are tough and yeah i want to pull my hair out at times but this is what i wanted. Each and every one of them and every one of those moments good bad or indifferent. It was my mothers choice and i always wonder what couldve been and how my life and his would be different now. So ladies think about it. When the shoe is on the other foot what wuld you do?

September - posted on 04/18/2012

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I'm all for adoption. My Mother gave my sister up for adoption and it was the best thing she could have done for her. She is now an amazing and beautiful adult who would have not had the opportunities she has had if she were not given up for adoption. My aunt and uncle adopted her so she is still very much a part of our family and my Mother loves her very much. I don't think just because a woman gives a child up for adoption that she doesn't love that child. In my Mother's case she did it because she loved her that much and wanted her to have a life that she knew she was not going to be able to provide. I also don’t think that “you just make it work” is necessarily the best thing for every child in every situation. It really is all dependent upon each individual situation. You just can’t stereotype adoption without knowing where the person has been or the place that person is in. I won't go into much more detail since it's so personal but I agree with my Mother's choice. At least she gave my sister life and a beautiful one at that. She also gave my aunt and uncle the child they had always dreamt of having.

Kate - posted on 04/18/2012

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America, if he beat the shit out of you for 13 years, HE DID NOT LOVE YOU! THAT is NOT LOVE! I'm sure he'd LOVE you to THINK it was because that would absolve HIM of his evil but that is NOT love! Love is not pain! Love is not abuse! The abusers of the world twist that love so their victims don't know what real love is! Sweety, hurting you the way he did was HIS bad, NOT YOURS!

Lee - posted on 04/18/2012

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I was adopted & I'm glad my birth mother didnt choose the other option of abortion! I'm 36 years old & have a 14 year old daughter of my own! I thank God for the option of adoption!

Kim - posted on 04/18/2012

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I believe it is up to the biological parents. If they decide through a lot of thought and prayers it should be there decision without criticism. Is it true that a biological mother who is receiving medicaid cannot have there tubes tied until a certain age? There are wonderful people out there that cannot have children on there own but would love to offer a terrific loving home to a child that might not otherwise have a good home. Thank you for letting me comment!

Kate - posted on 04/18/2012

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I don't like adoption because you never know what kind of parents the child may get! They COULD get loving parents but I've heard horror stories about abusive ones, too! I think it's something that is fine for others but not necessarily for everyone.

Devony - posted on 04/18/2012

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Everyone is entitled to their opinion, just remember when you see the world in black and white it can be a pretty dark place.



I am all for adoption. Adoptive parents are extensively screened to get started while natural parents just need a bed.

Helen - posted on 04/18/2012

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apologies for poor spelling or punctuation didnt realize this was a site for properly spelt words only or correctly punctuated did not join to have things like that pulled up on me it does not matter what matters is what is written

[deleted account]

Well, I'd already posted a reply on page one that was less simplified :) But if all you want is yes or no, then there ya go.

Helen - posted on 04/18/2012

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thank you joy answers like yours are welcome i dont expect everybody to agree with me at all just curious is all

[deleted account]

Well, if you want a simple yes or no answer to your original question, then my answer is NO. It's not just you but I'm sure there are very few who will agree with you that adoption is wrong and I don't understand the thinking that goes behind a belief like that. That's as simple and respectful as I can get on this.



Edited for grammar.

Dana - posted on 04/18/2012

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All that matters is that a child is supported and loved - regardless of who raises them. I've known children that are raised by their birth parents in physically, emotionally or sexually abusive situations - is this really better than being raised by someone who will use kind words, encourage you to grow, and care about you? For some people, their mental illness, terminal illness or addiction prevents them from being able to parent and care for another person. I'm not saying these people aren't capable of loving their children - just not able to care for them.

Dove - posted on 04/18/2012

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Considering that 2 of my sisters and one of my cousin's babies CAME from being adopted... I'm a big fan. You are just thinking about the people who 'gave up' their children and not thinking about the people that desperately WANT kids, but can't have them.



I also have a friend that just adopted two brothers from the foster care system. She is an AWESOME mom and has been trying for another baby pretty much since right after her 6 year old was born w/ no luck. Because of adoption, she has the family that she's always wanted. Oh, she is also STILL a foster mom as well. ♥

Helen - posted on 04/18/2012

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Maybe you'd prefer we go the route of Sparta - when there is an unwanted baby, just leave it outside the village to be eaten or die of exposure? Societies have done that in the past. Perhaps you can find one to move to.





i posted this question to find out if i shared the same views as any body else not for silly remarks or scenarios to be put forward for me to answer i dont see no reason for any body to take it to the extreme i have my own beliefs as im sure you all do lets not get silly about it guys please a simple yes or no would suffice

Laura - posted on 04/18/2012

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Tracie--I don't think it is wrong for her to simply hold the opinion that adoption is wrong. She has every right to believe what she wants to believe. Jussayin...

Laura - posted on 04/18/2012

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To reply to Louise Gough and to set the record straight for those viewing her comments about abortion statistics, abortion numbers have significantly risen since it was made legal. Here is an archive of statistics with its source being published Us demographic reports: http://www.johnstonsarchive.net/policy/a...

Today abortion is not much lower, it is considerably higher.

Tracie - posted on 04/18/2012

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Punctuation is your friend.



And if you don't want to give up a baby for adoption, then don't. But please don't tell other people that they are wrong for giving their child a chance at life when they are not able to provide it for them. You know what they say about opinions...

Laura - posted on 04/18/2012

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I think adoption can allow so many men and women that cannot have children by natural means to have children. A friend of mine who adopted her son said it this way, she feels that her son was meant for her, that he was born at a certain time under certain circumstances so that he would be able to join her family. That she was fated to be his mommy. I feel the same way about my biological children. It took us 7 yrs of trying to have our first and I felt very betrayed by God for all this suffering, but my husband reminded me that Will, our oldest, was born at the exact moment in history he was meant to be born, to do the things he was meant to do, to meet the people he was meant to meet (perhaps that fated person out there meant to be his wife). My husband reminds me that if we had had children earlier, we wouldn't have Will, his unique mix of us and his unique soul. Same with our second boy, Patrick, who came along 17 mos later. I am having a hard time dealing with two toddlers, and want to scream in frustration (and cry) almost every day, but I look at that child and I see all of his unique qualities and I thank God that we have him, even if his birth has given rise to a lot of medical probems in me and a lot of daily stress.

Another point to think about is that if we throw Adoption out the window (even if you are of the mind that it is a necessary evil and not exactly a good), then this gives rise to much more abortion. So very often birth control fails and a large percentage of mothers who abort their children were on some kind of contraception at the time.

Children deserve a chance to live and prosper, even if it is not with their biological parents. You are very brave to have made it work for you, but not everyone has your blend of qualities, your strengths. We need to allow women some way to make a choice and not have that choice be the death of their child or to raise a child when they do not have the strengths to do it well. Adoption is the only way to do that. Respectfully, Laura E.

Maggie - posted on 04/18/2012

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I just want to add that I do believe there are many mothers out there that LOVE there children yet still give them up for adoption because it is the best thing to do for them. It is probably the hardest thing to do and its not easy.

I have a cousin who has a daughter. She loves her daughter with every grain in her body. Yet she had her FIL adopt her, because she just felt she wasnt fit to be a mother. She is in and out of jail, Drugs ect... Even a mother who is in this situation can love her child yet give up all her rights to do what she feels is best for her child. She once asked my FIL if she could take her daughter to the park and disappeared for 3 days because she changed her mind and couldnt bear the idea of not having her child. Then brought her back when she realized she was wrong and this was not the kind of life she wanted her daughter in. Luckily her FIL did not have her arrested for kidnapping and was very understanding.

Kate CP - posted on 04/18/2012

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"Was raised in addicts home,my step father beat the shit out of me for 13 yrs but at least he loved me..."

America, that is fuckin' sick. You have a twisted view of love.

[deleted account]

I would venture to say that adoption works out more often than it doesn't. I mean, yes, I know there are lots of cases of people who were adopted and either had horrible childhoods or were angry when they found out they were adopted. But (and I don't have stats to back this up), I'm almost positive that more often, adopted kids grow up to be as happy and well adjusted as the rest of us. I have a friend who was adopted. Her parents told her at a young age and she grew up feeling very loved because her parents told her how special she was....that they had PICKED her and wanted her very much....that they had loved her since before they ever saw her.



How can that be wrong?

Iridescent - posted on 04/18/2012

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Maybe you'd prefer we go the route of Sparta - when there is an unwanted baby, just leave it outside the village to be eaten or die of exposure? Societies have done that in the past. Perhaps you can find one to move to.

Maggie - posted on 04/18/2012

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Another way to look at it. If a mother isnt a drug addict, ect... Yet gives her child up for adoption because she wants to travel or because her career is more important than her child what kind of life would that child have with this mother? Yes she can change and step it up and do what she should do and be a mother who loves her child. But know one can make someone love and take care of there child. This child may grow with low self esteem, not in a loving home, May end up staying home alone alot, end up with wrong crowds and in bad situations, ect...
I get that adoption does no garantee a child a home, but they will be looked after and Im sure there care giver will grow some sort of attatchment to them and they will make friends. There self esteem may still be low, but in the end they are probably better off.

Krista - posted on 04/18/2012

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So Helen, if a 10-year-old girl is raped and gets pregnant (because it DOES happen), do you think that she should have to keep and raise the baby?

And no, America -- adoption doesn't always work out. But neither does keeping the baby. There are plenty of kids out there who suffer abuse at the hands of the women who gave birth to them.

There ARE no perfect solutions. But there are definitely cases where a child has been much better off for having been adopted.

[deleted account]

Helen, just to clarify (because I don't know what other post you're talking about)....are you saying you don't think adoption is a good option in ANY circumstance? Like, you disagree with ALL adoptions?

If that's the case then there are all sorts of holes in that way of thinking. What about rape? What about the irresponsible teenager who gets pregnant and isn't ready to be a parent? What about cases where a child's father (or mother) is absentee and the new step-parent wants to adopt their step-child? I respect what you did. But part of being a well rounded adult is realizing that not everyone falls into your way of thinking. Not everyone is mentally, emotionally or physically able or ready to be a parent. If everyone who got pregnant kept their babies based on your theory, do you realize how many more abused children there would be in this world? And it's really easy for you to say that people should "undergo every means available to not allow your self to get pregnant". You obviously didn't. And yes, you chose to keep your baby. While I respect your choice, I also respect the choice of someone who does what they think is best in THEIR situation.

Helen - posted on 04/18/2012

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i see some of your points i may change my view toward drug addicts ect but generally speaking i dont think its right neither is abortion im sorry but abortion is murder i do think far too many people use adoption because they cant be bothered to raise a child if your not a drug addict or alcoholic ect or abuse the child then maybe you should have to keep the baby im pretty sure their is alot out their that give a baby up because it interferes with them travelling or their chosen career ???????? my post wasnt intended for arguments just to find out others views and too see if any one shared myn i didnt say i had all the answers in diff scenarios

America3437 - posted on 04/18/2012

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Was raised in addicts home,my step father beat the shit out of me for 13 yrs but at least he loved me. All I'm sayin is there are problems in everyone's life and we deal with it! My husband would have been better off with the mother who gave birth to him insted of a grandpa whom refused to adopt him because of his race! The only person to judge how someone would have turned out is God! I help raise my nephew for two years because his mom was an addict but she loved him and did the best she could. The kids grew up just fine! I can't help but think of the abuse my brother suffered at the hands of the foster parent's whom were supposed to protect him. Sometimes adoption isn't full of smiles and happy ending!

Suzanne - posted on 04/18/2012

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for me personally i don't think i would ever be able to give up a child for adoption, after carrying the child for 9 months they they would be a big part of who i am. i do beleive that some children are better off with the birth mother (parents) giving them up to a loving family who can't concive on their own. no child should have to live with drug / alcohol addicts that spend more time feeding the adiction than they spend with their own child.

you have done amazing taking your life choise to be a young mother, but unfortunatly some people don't or can't, and the well being of the child is the most important thing. in the world.

Krista - posted on 04/18/2012

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That's a huge generalization. Huge. I know plenty of people who were adopted and who are very happy and well-adjusted.

Do me a favour -- go read this photojournalism essay. It's about a woman named Julie Baird who was a crack addict and died of AIDS. Look at her children. http://www.darcypadilla.com/thejulieproj...

Specifically, look at the year 1994, scroll sideways, and look at the bawling toddler named Robert. The caption says, "Julie comforts Robert who was left with her to babysit for the day. His parents did not come back for about a week because they were strung out on drugs."

http://www.darcypadilla.com/thejulieproj...

Ever since I've seen that picture of that crying little boy, he has haunted me. Do you honestly think that he wouldn't have been better off adopted by an infertile couple who would have provided him with a home and stability and love? Julie's own children were all fostered/adopted out, and had a much better life without her.

America3437 - posted on 04/18/2012

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Imagine her surprise when she relizes this hurt the child worse than the life she couldn't provide.

Krista - posted on 04/18/2012

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it just baffles me how a mother having just given birth would not look at that baby and fall in love give it the world and make it the most important being of all i live for my children i just dont understand how any one could not

In some cases, they adopt out their babies BECAUSE they love them so much, and know that they are not capable of providing the child with the basic necessities of life, and so decide to make that sacrifice in the hopes that the baby will be adopted by a family who will be able to give him or her a loving, stable home.

Kate CP - posted on 04/18/2012

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So...would you rather have a woman just abort a baby because she can't raise a child? There's a saying about beggars being choosers. If a woman falls pregnant with an unwanted child her options are already kinda limited. To tell a woman she HAS to raise a baby, or continue a pregnancy, is wrong. If a woman was raped and doesn't want an abortion but doesn't want to raise the baby what would you suggest?

Some women who get pregnant never bond with their babies...and they don't love their children. Some women who get pregnant are drug addicts or mentally unfit to be a mother. Some women were raped and can't stand the thought of raising their rapist's baby. Some women were no more than a child themselves when they got pregnant.

Adoption is a wonderful option for those who want a baby but can't have one. Or for a family who just wants to open their hearts and home to more than just their biological children. What a beautiful gift to be able to give a child love and kindness when he or she would otherwise be doomed to a life of pain and hatred.

Helen - posted on 04/18/2012

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it just baffles me how a mother having just given birth would not look at that baby and fall in love give it the world and make it the most important being of all i live for my children i just dont understand how any one could not

America3437 - posted on 04/18/2012

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It could be misunderstood as an easy way out! My husband was abandoned at orpanage because of being a child out of wed lock. He grew up thinking his grandparents had adopted him but did'nt find out till high school that he was never adopted just raised. Guess no matter what he lost and the adults took the easy way out! There are some cases in which adoption can be good but most kids just stay in the system till they age out!

Krista - posted on 04/18/2012

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i was very young with my first baby and did not have a great deal of money ect but i MADE it work i truly believe if you do not wish to bring a child into this world you should undergo every means available to not allow your self to get pregnant i have four children and do not wish for any more so i made sure i cant have any more if all methods fail its meant to be that its gods will for you to be a mommy any body else feel the same and please lets not be aggressive about this please its just about opinions

Not everybody is you. Everybody has a different situation and different experiences, and some people just genuinely CANNOT raise a child. I fail to see how it would be "God's will" for a homeless crack addict to "raise" a child, leaving the baby with goodness-knows-who while she goes on a week-long bender. I fail to see how it would be "God's will" for a sexually abused 10-year-old to be a mommy.

Everybody is different. What was right for you might not be right for them.

Tabitha - posted on 04/18/2012

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I think it's a great option to have! Think of the kind of life a child would have if they were raised by parents that didn't want them. Child abuse and abandonment is already a big problem. A parent forced to keep their baby is not going to take care of them the way they need. And a mother whose pregnancy was the result of a rape may or may not be able to take care of that child. Can you imagine growing up knowing that every time your mom looked at you, she was reminded of something or someone she hated?



I have never been in a situation where I would need to make that decision but I can imagine, it's not an easy one to live with. Some people just aren't meant to be mothers but their bodies still work like yours or mine. Some times things happen and babies arrive whether we're ready or not. My younger sister is bipolar, bipolar people rarely stay on their meds and lead crazy lifestyles. She has given birth to 3 children, she is unable to care for any of them. Thankfully, we have a close family that was able to step up and help out. My mom adopted her first child, I adopted her second child and the 3rd child is with her dad. Thank God we talked her into getting fixed, we were running out of adoptive parents. But I'm glad that she had that option because, I can't imagine how things would've turned out for these children without it.

Louise - posted on 04/18/2012

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I agree with Maggie, it is better for a child to be placed for adoption than it is to grow up with a bad mother who does not want you. Adoption I agree is not always right but normally if a couple have gone through the process of all the paperwork and checks they really want that child.

Unwanted pregnancies normally end with a termination but when the baby is already here some mums just simply cant cope. This is normally from a break down of a relationship or abuse and neglect. For some mothers it is simply the right option to give their child a better life.

The high volume of adoptions in the 50's and 60's were because abortion was illegal. Today it is much lower, normally resulting in either religious beliefs, abuse or neglect.

Maggie - posted on 04/17/2012

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I think adoption is an awsome option for women. Many women do everything they can to prevent pregnancy by using several methods of birth contrl. But birthcontrol can fail. Rape can also happen and maybe this mother wasnt on birth control because she wasnt having sex.



I honeslty think and believe not everyone is meant to be a mother. Yes they can have a baby and yes they can live off mearly nothing and still survive. But if a mother is not in the correct state of mind, a drug addict, in and out of jail, someone who is afraid they will bring harm to there baby, or maybe they realize they are not fit to be parents, ect... Adoption seems like a great option for these women if they choose to use it.

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