Is it ok for my 17yr old daughter who wants to bring boyfriend over for Christmas?

Julie - posted on 12/18/2010 ( 202 moms have responded )

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My 17yr old daughter wants to bring her boyfriend over for Christmas and has only been seeing him a few months. She also wants to spend Christmas Eve over with his family. I don't think its necessary. She should be spending Holidays with her own family. Am I being to old fashion?

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[deleted account]

I personally see nothing wrong with extending an invitation for the boyfriend to join your family for dessert, or allowing your daughter to visit his family. I suppose I see it from another perspective because I do teach at the high school level and trust me when I say that kids tend to share more with their teachers than their own parents. I've already had this conversation with some students at Thanksgiving time. It's a compromise. Regardless if it's puppy love or a new relationship, your daughter would like to spend some time with the BF. And apparently the BF's family thinks highly of her to invite her to spend time with their family. It can't hurt, but your daughter may be resentful if there is an absolute "NO". Have you met the BF and the BF's parents? What are your Christmas traditions in your family that you object to including the BF? Why don't you think it's necessary for your daughter to spend time with her BF? What would she normally do in your home on Christmas? I'm not saying you're too old fashioned, but I am saying to think from a teen's point of view. Of course it is your home and your rules, but I can also see an unhappy young lady by not being allowed to spend Christmas with her "love". Let us know what you decide!

Laura - posted on 12/18/2010

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Sharon makes good sense as I, too, have worked with teens in the past. Being inflexible at this time can send the message that you still consider your daughter a "child" and not a maturing young woman. An absolute "NO" WILL create resentment and anger, I can almost guarantee it! I suggest negotiating terms on this so that she spends time with family and has an opportunity to see her BF. By being willing to openly discuss this issue with her you will be acknowledging the fact that she is maturing into a young woman who is beginning to spread her wings into adulthood. You can also use this discussion to talk about your expectations during the holidays and share your feelings on this issue with her. Allow her to share her feelings too, as this can show mutual respect towards her as a soon-to-be legal adult. And be glad that she wishes for her boyfriend to come to YOUR house on Christmas! Like it or not, this young man has become important to your daughter and this could actually be a great opportunity for you, as parents, to get to know him (better).



Likewise, she apparently has been invited to celebrate with his family for Christmas Eve perhaps because his parents wish to know her (better). I would add that because parents are involved at this point in getting to know BF/GF that these young people are taking the relationship seriously. They may not "be the one", but for now they are important to one another and want the families to know each other too.



Ultimately the choice will be up to you, as the parent, as to what transpires during the holidays. She is still legally a minor and you are still responsible for her. That being said, this decision is more about being able to recognize the fact that your daughter is growing into an adult and being able to respect her developing maturity. At her age negotiating terms might just be able to bring you both what you want, at least to a degree that you both will be satisfied with. Hope you consider this and enjoy the holidays!

[deleted account]

I see nothing wrong w/ allowing her to spend some time over there (though not the whole evening) or having him come over in the afternoon/evening for your meal... or just dessert. Christmas is a good time to be w/ family AND friends and he IS her friend right now.... whether it lasts or not.

Ultimately, as her mother, it is your decision though since she is still 17. I just don't see this as that big of a thing to make an issue over. If you don't know the guy very well....this could be a great opportunity to get to know him better.

Vickie - posted on 12/18/2010

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no, you are not too old fashioned. you are in great fashion. This will not be very popular. But the decision is yours for another year at least. She is 17 probably still in school and living with you. Therefore, she should respect your rules. She might hate you now but will thank you later for protecting her and insisting she practice high morals while at home. The relationship is new. It will probably survive a day of no visits during the holidays. This is a great opportunity to teach these young adults that true love waits. God's plans for love,sex, and marriage can be found in the bible. First you need to know what you believe and why you believe it. Share that with the teens. Then find out what their beliefs are. Hopefully you can help them remain pure until marriage. I have eight children. I tell them that they need to concentrate on school and not be distracted by relationships. A boyfriend or girlfriend is for getting married. And they are not ready to get married until they can cook and either build or buy their own house. Do they listen yes and no. It's o.k. with me if they have their friends over for a few hours. Set limits here and be firm. That way you can supervise. I do not allow my kids to go out without a chaperon. If you don't know his family. I would not allow her to go over to his house. Especially if your not sure that she will be safe there. It is not necessary for her to spend time with a boyfriend during the holidays. It is necessary for her to understand that this might be your last Christmas together and you get to decide how it will be spent. After that it's up to her.

[deleted account]

Maria, I don't see this scenario as an issue of "respect" or "disrespecting" the parents in the slightest. Could you elaborate on what you mean? Whether the young lady is in a new, or a long term relationship, it's very natural to want to spend a holiday with that significant other. Tell me how the scenario would be different if the 17 year old girl wanted to invite over a female friend whose family did not celebrate Christmas. The idea of the a holiday gathering is to spend time with friends & family. And again I'll repeat my stance: It can't hurt to spend some time, but it can lead to a very hurt young lady who *may* become defiant. No one is saying that the young lady is locking herself up in the bedroom to have hot monkey sex! It means-she wants to share a holiday with her boyfriend.

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202 Comments

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Mary Renee - posted on 12/29/2010

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I agree with others who say maybe reach some kind of a compromise. She can't spend the entire DAY Christmas Eve with his family but maybe go over there for one of their traditions, maybe they like to watch Charlie Brown Christmas, but she has to be at your house for when you do your traditions.

Same for her boyfriend on Christmas day. Pick a tradition you'd feel comfortable sharing and have him come over for an hour or so rather than the whole day.

Maria - posted on 12/29/2010

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Hi Mom....you are not old fashioned, your daughter must know right from wrong and the parent must teach that, and most of all she must learn to respect your wishes.
Maybe next year is more appropriate for the "kiddies" to spend time with each others family.

Maria - posted on 12/29/2010

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Dear Mom,
You are not old fashion, she is only 17 and must follow your rules and respect your wishes. Also they have been together only few months...maybe next year is more appropriate to spend with each other families.

Dora - posted on 12/29/2010

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At 17 she's old enough to spread her wings. She will enjoy time with her own family more if she has her friend with her. Otherwise she's doing a "duty" by spending time with her family when she would rather spend it with him. You will get to know him when he spends some time with your family.

Jane - posted on 12/29/2010

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She's 17 and WANTS her family to socialize with her boyfriend? And he WANTS to meet all of you and introduce your daughter to his family? This isn't a problem, it's a miracle. As long as they aren't planning to sleep together at either house, go for it! The time is long past for you to expect a young woman, daughter or not, to hang out with just family on special days. Be grateful she respects you so much, and isn't embarrassed to have her boyfriend meet you!

Marsha - posted on 12/29/2010

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being old fashin..u should of let her..a few months is a good amount of time..

Alexandra - posted on 12/29/2010

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i am a little late! I woulnd't do it! There are sooooooooo many more days in a year, why Christmas? They can see each other before and after, no? He is not faily yet.

Leslie - posted on 12/29/2010

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I do agree with some of the others who said your daughter is a minor and you do have final say, just thought a compromise might worth trying.

Celia - posted on 12/29/2010

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You are not being old fashion. Your setting your boundaries with her. Having the new boyfriend over for Christmas is her way of introducing him to you. And to bring him over for Christmas is huge! She must really like him! Trust that she is your daughter and respect that she is being open to you by wanting to bring him home. Spending the holidays with his family is also his way of introducing her to his family. Coordinate with his Mother on where she will be sleeping.

Malika - posted on 12/29/2010

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everybody has there own rules and opinions as far as there children go so as that childs parent use ur own judgement

Jennifer - posted on 12/29/2010

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No your not old fashioned. I have the rule in my home of they may come to my house anytime. This way you know the rules and what is going on. Until you know more about him his family and thier values or rules i would just have him over. She may not like this but these days you never know what the other home is going to be like and if they even hold the same values as you. Good luck.

Malika - posted on 12/29/2010

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well mine is 16 and a half and i allowed her 2 go over her boyfriends moms house as she has done may times before and i have those parental guards up 2 ,but you also have 2 trust that your child will respect what you have instilled in them

[deleted account]

This is clearly too late for the current situation, but here are my thoughts anyway... Perhaps it would be best to attempt to negotiate a compromise. Excluding him completely would not be a good idea not only because it creates tension between you and your daughter, but also because it removes a valuable opportunity for you to get to know this young man. Break both days into time slots and schedule some time for everyone.

Katherie - posted on 12/29/2010

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Ground rules to fit every new situation is the key, but you should also realize that she is ready to experience the world. She is just starting to spread her wings, have confidence as a parent and trust that she knows what she wants. This may be the last year she will let you make decisions for her. I hope this helps.

Leslie - posted on 12/29/2010

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Can you work out a compromise for her? Maybe have her boyfriend over for say lunch, and then maybe have visit for a short period of time? I know holidays are meant for family but your daughter not only wants to spend the holidays with you but also with her boyfriends family. She's just showing her independence. Just a suggestion.

Gretchen - posted on 12/29/2010

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It's nice that they are wanting to spend time with their families. They obviously are wanting both sets of parents to get to know the person they choose to spend time with.

Karri - posted on 12/29/2010

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It depends on your daughter. If she's a "good" kid and how she is about respecting your wishes. If you do the "she has to focus on graduating so nothing serious" she could end up sneaking out and end up pregnant. If you try to respect her, she may have a respect for you in return. But it depends on her. Only you know what kind of girl she is. No, her reaction is not the only thing you need to consider. You need to take into account how easily distracted she is. Bottom line though: kids are going to date whether the parents condone it or not. And at 17, she's almost able to make her own rules. So take that into account also. She's not 12, she's a young woman. Good luck!

Cindy - posted on 12/29/2010

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I think a little bit ...being that it is the holidays and kids need to learn the social aspect of it all....

Lori - posted on 12/29/2010

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wow what a liberated world...standards seem to be lowering. Guys she is 17 and not a college student. At 17 this is way too young to even consider this a serious relationship. What you guys are fostering is the opportunity for the daughter to take the relationship

way more serious at this point than what

it needs to be. Your right she is 17 and

not 5....therefore even more so needing

to stay focused on graduating High

School and attending college and not this

puppy love experience. Parents if let go

now you are opening the door for her to

get side tracked. Maybe allow him to visit after dinner but not for dinner....and no she does not need to be visiting his family. That is too much fast-tail girl action for me. There is a show on TV now "Sixteen and Preganant" ....it should be an eye-opener for us folks when you compramise with teenagers this is what happens.....maintain higher standards please.

Melissa - posted on 12/29/2010

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if she will be home on Christmas, then it is only fair that she spend Christmas Eve with his family if she has been invited. When she eventually gets married, you are going to have to share her with her "other family" so now is the time to start.

Patricia - posted on 12/29/2010

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I can understand your concern if he lived out of town or in another state but speaking from experience I don't see what the big deal is. Christmas is to spend time with everyone, not just family, even Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day (I have read a lot of these comments before I typed this....) Both of my daughters have spent some of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with their Boyfriends and at our house starting at about (I think...>) 16. We still get to spend Christmas Eve/Christmas Day with them and a lot of the other activities we do/did during the Christmas Season we have ALWAYS invited their boyfriends to come as well. I rather enjoyed the time together and ALL of us enjoyed each other's company during these times :)

[deleted account]

You are not being too old-fashioned. When you are a teenager, sometimes feelings make serious decisions for you. Spending Christmas Eve and Christmas with someone after only knowing them a few months is being too serious too soon.

Karri - posted on 12/29/2010

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You aren't being unreasonable. As her mother, this is well within your rights and it's understandable. But when I was 17, I was dating a guy that I loved madly and my family welcomed him with open arms to all family functions. We've now been married 6 years. Should this turn serious, it will mean a lot to her, I'm sure, if you were accepting of him. I don't see the harm in allowing him to attend your family functions. But my mother made me wait until we'd been dating a year before I went to his family functions, so she had time to get to know him and his family. But my family welcoming him really meant a lot to me then and still does.

Beverly - posted on 12/29/2010

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I wish I had gotten this post earlier because I would have had plenty to say. Just curious...how did it turn out?

[deleted account]

Be open and accepting. Wouldn't you rather have a chance to get to know this young man?

Sally - posted on 12/29/2010

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Your house, your rules, BUT...
Is having only family at Christmas the real issue or is it not wanting to admit she's growing up? To you this is a childhood fling. To her it may feel like true love forever and it may be in your best interests to have her spending time with this boy in a safe supervised environment. I would consider my daughter wanting her boyfriend around her family at important family times to be a sign of her having a good family ideal and a healthy relationship with the boy and I would encourage it.
Also, if you want only family at Christmas, when she really does meet "the one" are you not going to let him over until they're married so he's family?

Joedna - posted on 12/29/2010

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I would suggest picking your "fight" very carefully. Weigh the consequences of the "my house, my rules" philosophy. What's wrong with one more place setting at the dinner table? It's certainly one more person to have conversation with and that's always a good thing. Home should have a nurturing atmosphere and if you want her to respect your wishes, show respect for hers and trust her judgement. A display of friendliness and acceptance towards her boyfriend will only strenghten your relationship with your daughter. Afterall, she is 17 years old....next year she will be considered an adult....prepare her well for the future with unconditional love and a warm and friendly heart. Can't go wrong with that....it spreads!

Carla - posted on 12/29/2010

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I am a mother of three who are all now young adults. I support your daughter wanting to invite her boyfriend to family holidays. I am wondering if her boyfriend prefers to not be with his family Christmas day? Maybe the day could be shared between families - invite him over for the afternoon and or dinner. Christmas eve can also be split time with families.

Alena - posted on 12/29/2010

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No you are not old fashion. And I absolutely agree with your decision. Being a parent is not a popularity contest, it's about being a role model, setting the benchmark for values. So please do stick to your gun and know that you're doing right by your child. 17 or not, she will always be your child and you, a mother.

Kylie - posted on 12/29/2010

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I think that xmas is a big deal and it about family but isn't it also about friendship. And he is technically a friend. My 17 yr olds boyfriend came over last year and this year and it just adds to the pleasure of having them around. I think that we as adults can get a little hung up on the way it was and don't always embrace the change that is coming.

[deleted account]

Julie,
Merry Christmas to you and your family. Your post brought a smile to my face as I have two sons-- a little older than your daughter. I spent this past Christmas with my son and his girlfriend. He spent some time over at her house on Christmas Eve, and she came over to our house Christmas Day to spend time with our family at dinner time-- her second dinner-- she had dinner with her family first. I wish that we could control how fast our children grow up and monitor all of their relationships, like we once did. But we can't-and we shouldn't. I think you need to be honest with your daughter and tell her your reservations. Your daughter needs to do the same to you-LISTEN--not lecture ( that goes for the both of you ;) ). I think that bringing him over for Christmas-- for part of it, anyway is a good idea. It can be a good time to get to know him and see how he interacts with your family-- and more importantly, how he interacts with your daughter. Having her boyfriend over for part of the day is not the same as sizing up future son-in law material . It will also let your daughter know that who is in her life(for however long) is important to you . Remember that everything is considered old fashioned until progress and compramise are added. Let us know how the day went.

Kayla - posted on 12/28/2010

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I'm am 17 And I understand both sides. You want to keep her from getting to serious but she is in a relationship. You have to respect that. My parents pushed me and my boyfriend apart but it made our relationship stronger because they were forbidding me to see him. Today I have a 4 month old & I'm sure I wouldn't have gotten so serious with my boyfriend if I wasn't fighting with my parents and choosing him. Talk with her and tell her your concerns. She's a teen but I swear we listen. Let her learn. Plus you will get to know the boy better.

Marithel - posted on 12/28/2010

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I trust mu daughter. Inviting his BF over for dinner before Christmas Eve is ok. This would give us a better chance to evaluate the guy. I can better read his actions from the moment he steps into our doorstep from the time he leaves the house. I would encourage the BF to still spend Christmas Midnight with his family. This would be a little bias but I wont allow my daughter to spend Christmas Dinner with his BF family, I want to keep the family tradition to spend Christmas Dinner together. A visit with the BF family can still be, perhaps before or after the 25th and with a chaperone :)

[deleted account]

she needs to understand that family gatherings are just that and she will build more memories interacting with here family that a fella who just came into her life. In time he may be a part, but not now. She would do better to Give herself time to understand why you think this is not appropriate.

Deidra - posted on 12/28/2010

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I see no harm in it, as a teen a spent Christmas with my B/F and his family and not only did it give me more of an appreciation for my family I walked away with the sense the no two families are alike. Now I am a mother of four and I incorperate some of all the different ideals of what christmas should be into ours and I am always open to new ways of bettering our Holidays.

[deleted account]

It's wonderful that she wants to share her boyfriend with you, and your family with him, instead of going behind your back. Welcoming him for a couple of hours, and letting her go over there for a couple of hours, won't really impinge on your family time, and will make you the kind of mom she will want to continue to talk to about her relationship. As a mother, this is what you want! Keep the lines of communication open, and you will reap great rewards. Lose her respect now and she'll stop asking for your permission, and start finding ways to get what she wants behind your back.

Good luck!
Sandy Eiges, M.S.W.
L.A. School Scout
www.LAschoolscout.com

Valencia - posted on 12/28/2010

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If they have been dating for at least 3 months, in my opinion, I think it's okay for the teens to spend time with one another's family. This is how you can analyze his personality and the way he treats her. Usually moms can see who's good for thier children and who's not. I hope you gave it chance and everything went well and maby for another holiday, both families can come together.

Rheba - posted on 12/28/2010

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Well -- different strokes I guess. I've been switching off holidays with my husband since we started dating when I was 14. I don't personally see Christmas Eve as a holiday, and her boyfriend is willing to come over on the holiday, it may be a good time for him to get better acquainted with your family and your traditions... just my opinion though, but by the time I was your daughter's age I'd been out of my mom's home for 3 years, and married almost a year so...

Marji - posted on 12/28/2010

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I wouldn't say your being old fashioned. I would like to meet the boys parents before I allowed her to spend the holidays over there. Once I've met them & only if I approve then I would think about it & maybe allow her to spend the next holiday over there. If they are a nice family & she is over there I would make sure I spoke to the parents to ensure they were really going to be there & set a time to come back home, or if not for you to pick her up.

Diana - posted on 12/28/2010

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I'm 24. I just had a daughter on the 9th.

My husband and I spent on first Christmas together. We had been together for 6 months. I did all of his family things and he did mine. I think it's ok as long as they make sure they keep a bbalance. I was 18 when I started dating my husband. I don't think another year matters. Talk to your daughter and see how she feels about him. I knew I loved my husband but I had also thought I was in love before so I knew by then what real love felt like.

I'd say just open a conversation up with your daughter and see where she sees the relationship. The last thing you want is for her to resent you because 'you didn't let her spend Christmas with him'.

Angela - posted on 12/28/2010

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I also think Christmas is for specially close family. Boyfriends are just friends. It's not just a get-together, it's a time for the family to bond through traditions and love. If he was her husband to be I may allow him to join the sacred gathering, but... boyfriend?... sorry, go be with your own family.

Christina - posted on 12/28/2010

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Sure as long as it is in different rooms.My daughter who is 25 still doesnt sleep with her boyfriend,as she says it will spoil the total support of his mother as well as myself.She wants to save herself for the right man,Staying over is tempting fate.

[deleted account]

Kim. I must disagree with your post. Christmas is NOT just for families. Christmas is for extending our love and goodwill to everyone. It has no limits! We (and lots of people I know) have family, friends, often people from the local old peoples' home, strangers in town...

Jenny - posted on 12/28/2010

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she is spending time with her family on xmas day dont you share yourself around with your husbands or partners family i think she is doing the right thing dont lose her by old fashioned thinking

Phoenix - posted on 12/28/2010

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I actually think you should have looked at this differently. How great that your daughter felt she had the kind of family she would be proud to bring a boy home to, a lot of 17 year old girls keep their boyfriends a secret, that would be worse. I hope you resolved this (Christmas is over when I posted this) the best for all of you. Happy Holidays.

Eileen - posted on 12/28/2010

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In the final analysis, it is your house and you make the rules. If you are uncomfortable with him there, say no. If you see nothing wrong with inviting friends over, then do so. Personally, I would have had no problem with my own daughter's current boyfriend, but my rules are different than yours, because we are a different family.

Katherine - posted on 12/28/2010

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It's important to stand by what's important to you and have your kids respect your rules, but it's equally important to be flexible and considerate of others feelings. I can see where you are coming from here, but it seems a bit stiff, especially in these times. I would think that it would be more important to keep your relationship "open" with your child than to stick to your traditional thoughts. I feel that if you don't allow her to bring her boyfriend over she will begin to feel that she can't share everything with you and will begin to NOT share so much. As long as they are both respectful of others while together, no kissing or behaving inappropriately, I see no problem with having him over. Don't you want to get to know who your daughter is hanging out with anyhow? Get to know him, welcome him into your home and gain his respect, he will then be more likely to respect your rules if he has a relationship with you and your family. Don't wear blinders, your daughter will do what she wants at this point, whether she shares it with you or not will be up to you! And I agree with many others that say that Christmas is a time of family AND friends!
Best of luck!

Amanda - posted on 12/28/2010

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Being someone who met their husband at 17, I would have to say not to stand in the way of them wanting to spend time together and you should be happy she is wanting him to come over and not go to the movies or something. At 17, I met my boyfriend 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and he was invited to Thanksgiving dinner despite my mom not wanting him to. We were still together for Christmas so he came over for Christmas as well. Long story short, we have been together 9 years and married 7 years. We have 2 kids and one on the way. You never know (no matter how young they are) what is going to happen.

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