Is it ok to pull my daughter out?

Gifty - posted on 06/06/2011 ( 42 moms have responded )

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Hi, my ex-husband's niece is getting married in 3 weeks time and has asked my 9 year old daughter to be a flower girl, and as you can imagine, she is over the moon. But sadly, my ex's sister is not happy about it and wants my daughter out or she would not attend the wedding. The girl says it's ok if her mum doesn't want to come, but I know how much she loves her mum, so basically am thinking of taking my daughter out even though the dress and everything has been bought already. I really need advice as what to do since I don't want to hurt the bride.

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Gwen - posted on 06/06/2011

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It is the bride's day, let her make the decision and honor her wishes. If it is more important to her to have your daughter there than her mom, I'm guessing their relationship isn't as close as you believe it is. It is very generous of you to willingly take your daughter out for the sake of peace.

Christy - posted on 06/06/2011

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Family feuds are no fun. I agree with many of the other ladies' comments. Tell the bride it is such a privilege for your daughter to be invited as the flower girl, but that if needs be, it's not a big deal for her not to attend. Be very kind about it and let her decide. Then don't make a fuss about whatever she decides.

Jane - posted on 06/06/2011

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The bride has said it is okay if her mother doesn't come, so it sounds as if she still wants your daughter to be in the wedding. I suggest you confirm that this is her decision and if it is, then go ahead and attend. Odds are the mother will come anyway and quite possibly the bride realizes this.

I do suggest that if the mother comes anyway that you keep an eye out and make sure she doesn't corner your daughter at the wedding and make her cry.

[deleted account]

It's the bride's choice who she wants in and at the wedding. I would probably let her know that your feelings will not be hurt if she chooses to not have your daughter in it, but that YOU fully support whatever choice she (the bride) wants to make.

Mary - posted on 06/06/2011

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It's up to the bride:) If someone won't attend for that reason, than that's not very mature I think.

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Mary - posted on 06/15/2011

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You just said what was most important. It is the brides day not the mother of the bride. The mother of the bride might need this to grow as a mother and as a human being. Life is about loving, forgiving and enjoying. I have five children and I have learned that its their life, not mine and I am here to support their decisions. So I would let your daughter be the flower girl. It is time your ex sister in law grows up spiritually and emotionally. Bless you

Peggy - posted on 06/15/2011

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If the Bride wants your daughter as a flower girl then your daughter should be a flower girl.. PERIOD!! For an adult to ask so flippin childish over having a child in a wedding is beyond me... and her OWN niece at that! Obviously she has no family values if she is going to let this miss her own daughters wedding because of this... but is it about your daughter or something else? Just wondering if it because you would be there and she doesnt want that so she is aiming her dislikes toward your daughter? If so, I would offer not to go to the wedding. I would never take that excitement away from my kid. I say its the brides mom who needs a reality check!!

Susan - posted on 06/15/2011

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The niece must have known her mum's feelings ahead of time. It's her wedding-let her make the decision.

Sadie - posted on 06/13/2011

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I think it's up to the bride. Let her know how you feel, that your daughter is excited to be in the bridal party but you understand how it is affecting her mother. Tell her you that you wont be offended if she would prefer if your daughter wasn't a flowergirl and that let her decide.
Of course it would be difficult for you to have to tell your daughter, but I guess if it comes down to that giving her something very special for being so good and understanding things had to change. Difficult situation, I hope it works out for you all.

Erin - posted on 06/13/2011

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The bride asked her to participate in her wedding, so obviously the important party want her there. Perhaps the bride needs to have a chat with her mother and see what the real issue is. The Child is still part of their family, even if you aren't!

Donna - posted on 06/13/2011

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Tell his sister to grow up. This day isn't about HER, it's your ex's niece's day. Don't disappoint your daughter. Apparently the bride wanted her in the wedding or she wouldn't have asked.

Cynthia - posted on 06/12/2011

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this is so childish on the sister. let her miss out. she is the adult after all.

Jen - posted on 06/12/2011

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Its the Bride's decision. I'd say let your daughter go. She'll love it.

If the Bride's mother can't get over herself; she'll miss out on her own daugther's marriage. That's her loss; not yours.

I don't know the family at all...but I'm guessing the Bride may reason with her mother before the wedding; and she'll end up at the wedding anyways.

I think its more of a problem for the Bride to deal with; you taking your daughter out wouldn't fix the issue; it would just cause a new problem for the Bride.

Celia - posted on 06/12/2011

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I say it is the brides decision. Make sure she knows how you feel and that you would be okay taking her out of the wedding if it is going to cause family problems, but that it is ultimately her decision. If your daughter is who she truly wants to do that, then her not being there will hurt her more than fixing the problem with her mom. The thing with her mom is between her and her mom and your daughter should not have to suffer for her mom's problem with you. Especially after all ready having been asked by the bride herself.

Yvette - posted on 06/12/2011

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Not a great position to put yourself in :/ The Bride gets to choose, and if anyone has a go at you for not pulling your daughter out, don't get into their argument. Simply tell them that the bride wanted your daughter, it was her choice, and the trouble between the mother and bride is between them and has nothing to do with you or the person whos having a go at you. Leave it at that. Don't pull your daughter out unless shes being picked on and you feel she needs to be removed from an unsafe environment.

Constance - posted on 06/12/2011

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I think you ex's sister is being a child. It isn't her decision. I would completely clarify with the bride and groom and if they want her apart of it then that is their choice. I wouldn't pull you daughter out unless the bride and groom request it.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/12/2011

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Maybe take your daughter to the after the ceremony party? Haha........ sorry, I'm evil.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/12/2011

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Woooooooooow. I was going to ask what the bride said........ but well, you wrote it in. Thanks. That makes it hard.

I would think if the bride said 'forget mom' I would probably do that but if she really does love her mom, I think it is wonderful you are considering this womans feelings even if she is not willing to grow up a bit and get over something for the sake of her daughter.............. talk about petty :(

How close are you to the bride? How often do you see her? If you only see her once or twice a year, verses her mom seeing her every week, I would probably pull your daughter. But if you are as involved in her life as her mom is? I would say screw the mother.....

Dee - posted on 06/12/2011

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I don't think a child, especially one who is so excited about her part in the wedding, should be punished because an adult is acting like a spoiled brat. If the bride's mother truly loves her daughter, she will attend the wedding, smile, and make nice to this little girl. That child hasn't done a thing to hurt this woman and she needs to get over herself and act like the adult she is suppose to be.

Patti - posted on 06/08/2011

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It is the bride's day so she has decided. Also the person not going to come is an adult and if this is the way she wants to act then its on her. Your daughter should be the flower girl!!

Hanna - posted on 06/08/2011

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Grownups can reason and understand things. You could never do this to your daughter! Kids never forget the injustices done to them! I really think your ex's sister needs a shrink - how can she be so horrible and childish?

Jane - posted on 06/07/2011

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At least your daughter gets the dress out of it, right?

All I can suggest is that when you talk to your daughter about it, make sure she understands that has nothing to do with you or her, that sometimes grownups don't act like grownups.

[deleted account]

I would check with the bride - let her know this is what you have heard and that you will be happy for the sake of peace to pull her out. (Do consider the impact on your daughter tho) I would also write a brief note to your ex's sister. Let her know that you considered pulling your daughter out for the sake of peace, but in the end went ahead with brides wishes. Let her know you aren't wanting to cause any trouble, but just want it to be all about the bride and to ensure she has a really happy day. You can then only be responsible for your bit.

Michelle - posted on 06/07/2011

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This is extremely immature behavior coming from the mother of the Bride, remember the day is about her daughter not her. I personally would allow her to go as the day is ment to be about the bride not about the mother. If the mother doesn't attend well that's her fault for being so childish! Your ex partner's niece asked for to be flower girl for a reason and has already gone to all the trouble with the dress you can't let her down now, I would just block out the mother's in put and let her attend,

JuLeah - posted on 06/07/2011

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What a selfish woman .... mother of the bride won't atten because she doesn't like the choice of flower girl?

Let your daughter do it, and let the mother daughter work it out on their own. It is not yours and really, I applude the daughter for the stand she is taking with her mother. SOmething tells me she is tired of mom's tantrums and drawing a line in the sand.

Toni - posted on 06/07/2011

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What did your 9yr old do that was so offensive to your Sis inlaw, nothin she's being weird and that's her problem so it's the brides desicion & you don't have to go but I don't think your daughter should have her day taken away one of my best memories was bein a flower girl cuz it's not fair to her or the bride & adults should compromise & act like adults & if she can't go to the wedding glamour shots & ice cream will fix a bad day

Heather - posted on 06/07/2011

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I think u should let the bride know that u understand either way but it is HER wedding and if her mom is being bitter then maybe its best if she isn't there.

Fluttterby - posted on 06/07/2011

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i don't think that you should punish a child because an adult is acting immature. and the fact that any divorce resentment she feels is taken out on a child goes to further show that immaturity. i would talk to her calmly and point those things out to her. if she still can't handle it i'd say it's her problem. and bravo to the bride for not giving in to childish demands!

Terasa - posted on 06/07/2011

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this is really immature of the mum! nobody should be doing that to the bride! families can be so funny. i agree with gwen very generous of you 4 the sake of peace. good luck whatever you do! best wishes

Jackie - posted on 06/07/2011

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What a petty witch! This makes me so upset to know that I grown ass woman can hurt a little girls feelings just because....

It isn't even HER wedding! It's her daughters!

Lindsay - posted on 06/07/2011

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It's the bride's day that day! She needs to be the one to make the decision. If there are people that aren't going to attend because of the fact that she wants your daughter in the wedding when she is family then that is very immature of them. Your daughter has every right to be in that wedding if that is the bride's wishes! I would let her know how you feel about it though and see if she still wants your daughter in the wedding. If she does then there is your answer!

Colleen - posted on 06/07/2011

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The most important person on that day is the bride, no one else. Give the bride what she wants. The mother has not figured out yet that it is not about her on that day; but that is not your problem. The bride and mother have to work this out not you. If the bride comes to you and says she thinks it would be best to pull her out then pull her out. If you pull her out and you know it will hurt the bride then don't pull her out. It's all about the bride on that day. Hope this helps.

Gifty - posted on 06/07/2011

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Thanks to you all for your words, it feels good to know there are great mums out there to give advise when the need arises. I have spoken to the bride that there will be no hard feelings and am still going to give all the things I have promised her no matter what SHE decides, but she told me she wants both my daughter and her mum there, so in the end I told her to respect her mum's wishes and we will still be coming to the wedding. She thanked me with tears and said she will make it up to my daughter and now it's one less thing to stress about which I am happy about since she has been stressing over it for a month now not knowing how to tell me. So now I have to find a way to tell my daughter and I am not looking forward to it.

Elisha - posted on 06/06/2011

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I think the ex-sister-in-law is being ridiculously petty and small minded. I'm assuming the bride is her daughter. Now if the bride wants your daughter to be her flower girl, that is her descision. Everyone knows that a wedding means alot more to the bride than anyone else and she has to have everything perfect. I think it would hurt the bride to pull your daughter out of the wedding and that she realizes her mom is being very selfish. This is a very saddening situation. I hope it all works out and everyone can be happy and get along for one day.

Deanna - posted on 06/06/2011

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Grown ups need to grow up, your daughter is hype and ready to go why disappoint her for some bitter old women.

Melissa - posted on 06/06/2011

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that's horrible of her mother! she is the bride, it is HER day, the day every little girl looks forward to! her mother is very childish and petty to do such a thing as miss her own daughters wedding simply because of a little girls presence! personally, if i were the bride and my mother were acting that way, i'd prefer she not come! i'd say to talk to the bride and have her make the decision. let her know you don't want to step on anyones toes, you just want to make sure whateverhappens is what SHE would prefer. let her know if she decides to not have your daughter present that no feelings will be hurt, you just want to ensure HER day will go perfectly. i feel so bad for your poor daughter :0( that brides mother sounds evil!

Kelly - posted on 06/06/2011

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It's the Brides decision but there is a possiblity that because she asked your daughter she wants to defend her and continue to follow through on her invite. You pulling your daughter out may make it easier on her and then she doesn't have to be rude and ask her not to be in it anymore. Not sure? Most likely the mom is just threatening and will go anyways. She is just using her threat to control the bride. Keep in mind that if the mom of the bride does show which I am guessing she will she may be rude to your daughter and be difficult on that day. For the sake of your dauhter you really don't want her to be a target for this woman and then some battle ensues when the momma bear comes out in you as it would with proably all of us here : ) I think the bride needs to hash this out now with her mom and tell her mom if she has any issues or creates a scene she will have to leave. If you chose to go ahead do it with extreme caution and tell the bride that you don't want your daughter to be the target of her mom.

Elizabeth - posted on 06/06/2011

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I understand how you feel. Ultimately, I think you already know what you are going to do. Being there for her is just as good, and either way, she should understand. It's just too bad that things would have to be that way.

Gifty - posted on 06/06/2011

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My children are related to them alright but apart from the niece my ex and sisters have not seen or talk to the children for almost 3yrs now, so maybe they think if my daughter is out then I will not go but believe me nothing will stop me from being there for the girl whether my daughter is in or not and what is upsetting is that if the mum don't go then some of the family members will not go as well.

Elizabeth - posted on 06/06/2011

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Wow... this is a tough one. I honestly don't know what I would do. My question is.. if your daughter is related to them, what's the problem?

Honestly, it's the niece's choice to have asked your daughter to be in it. It's her and her fiance's wedding. You already said the dress is bought and paid for. I'd sit down and talk to the niece. Both you and her have been put in a bad position that you guys shouldn't have to face. I honestly find it selfish someone would threaten not to go because a 9 y.o. is participating in the celebration. It should be a happy time.

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