Is it reasonable for a stepmom to expect her husband to run arrangements by her first that involve the stepson and not just make those decisions alone or only with the ex-wife?

Theresa - posted on 10/03/2012 ( 695 moms have responded )

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My husband sometimes makes arrangements with his ex-wife about their son without first checking with me if it's okay. He also feels that he does not need to inform me of arrangements he has made, even if they might affect me. I just need to accept it without a choice in the matter. It puts me in the position where I feel his ex-wife and child come first and my opinion, as his wife, doesn't matter.

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Judith - posted on 10/03/2012

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If it affects you, of course it's reasonable for him to run it by you first. Maybe he has an ex-wife for a reason!! Stand up for yourself, because resentment will end up ruining your marriage.



I also wanted to add, after reading some of the other responses, that a husband and wife are supposed to come first for each other, or there isn't a marriage. Our children are temporary residents in our homes that will someday grow up and move on. If you spend your marriage not caring what your spouse says, how will you two relate once the kids are gone?



Any spouse who is OK with being left out of decisions "for the best interests of the child" is not in a healthy or happy marriage. And that comes from a marriage therapist FYI...not me, but my therapist.

[deleted account]

Running things by you first to make sure it works for the WHOLE FAMILY UNIT, before solidifying anything with the ex is NOT putting you before his child...in my opinion. It is showing respect for the family as a whole. It is simply a common courtesy between husband and wife, and that shouldn't get thrown out just because he has a child. Furthermore, it is him acknowledging that his child and you are family together as well, not just his child and himself. Seems to me that including you on any decision making regarding scheduling and activities would make for a more healthy family dynamic all around! :) He should definitely have respect for his ex's input and make sure plans work out well with her as well, but while you may not come before his child, as his NEW partner you SHOULD come before his ex. Should the two of you together try to accommodate his ex when it comes to planning? Sure. Keep the peace, and such. Yes, great for the child. But when you marry, you become "one" so my opinion is that you and he should plan, communicate, and function in the family as a united front on all occasions...including arrangements he makes regarding his child. I will never understand people who think a stepmom should accept and love her husband's child as her own, yet shouldn't be treated as another mother to that child, given the respect of being consulted BEFORE plans are made with the ex. Respect and consideration should be given in both directions, not just the new stepmom showing respect to husband and his child while sitting off to the side with all her opinions, feelings, and agendas coming second. This is a MARRIAGE you are talking about. It should work both ways.

Anita - posted on 10/03/2012

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Let's just turn the tables a bit here. I am the ex-wife and in my opinion, it depends on the decision. If it has to do with schedules, vacations, etc, I think the step-mom should completely be in on the conversation. After all, it is her life that will be impacted if she suddenly has to drop everything to take care of the child. Yes, she did marry into the situation, but the ex needs to deal with the fact that she is still easing her way in to motherhood with this child. But, the step-mom also needs to remember that the ex is the child's mother and nothing can get in the way of that and that relationship will never change.



I come from the experience where my ex and his brand new wife are the ones making all of the decisions and I'm left out of absolutely everything. She seems to be scared of me and can't even bring herself to walk my 6yo up the 3 flights of stairs to make sure I'm home when she drops him off. Now I know it's going to take while, but at least your husband's willing to keep his ex in the loop. Just keep talking to him and make sure he knows what you're feeling at all times--without nagging him. It should be a continuous conversation among the three of you.

Dove - posted on 10/03/2012

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Making decisions about the kid with the bio mom and not you... 100% ok. Not at least informing you (after the fact) when the decision impacts you.... disrespectful. It would be nice if he took your opinion into consideration, but it's much more important... and a GOOD thing that him and his ex-wife are able to make decisions about their child together. Many ex-couples aren't so lucky and it's the kids that suffer.

Amy - posted on 10/03/2012

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You're probably not going to like my opinion but his child should come first. Just like my children come before my husband (even though he's their father) sometimes I make plans and arrangements without checking with him first and yes those plans might effect him but I make decisions with my kids interests in mind.

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Katherine - posted on 12/12/2012

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The OP has gotten enough responses, therefore I am locking this thread.



Thank you,



Katherine

WtCoM

Admonistrator

Shell - posted on 12/11/2012

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Theresa PLEASE do not put any stock in what Nicole said: "I feel that when it comes to his kid..he should not have to tell you anything .... "





Response to Nicole:

WHAT??? HIS KID???? Do you mean HER STEPKID? The same lady that I'm sure you agree "should" : feed, clothe, help w/ homework, drive places, help brush teeth etc and generally LOVE. This woman that YOU expect all of that from "should not be told anything".



Absurd. I know that is how you feel and you can't help that. But wow, I'm embarrassed for you! I wonder how you would feel if you were a stepmom??

Janelle - posted on 12/11/2012

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Yeah, I had to go back and read Momma to2:)'s post again. I totally need to have my husband read that.

Janelle - posted on 12/10/2012

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Another thought: I realize that before I met my husband I had no idea how to be a mom. No idea what it was like. I was the youngest and I was never one of those kids that think babies and small children are cute. I think we learn as we go. Once we have a baby for the first time we know how to be a mom to that baby. Ideally, husband and wife/mom and dad can grow together and at the same time.



I realized that my husband had a jump on me because his son he had with bio-mom was 9 and he had custody. I was a bit nervous about being a step-mom and asked my husband for some "family dates". Some more activities when we can all spend time together. I expressed my nervous feelings about being a step mom. He continually reassured me that it will all be fine, that I wouldn't have to worry about raising my step son at all. He'd handle all the parenting and it'd be easy for me.



Of course after we were married and I already had a little one on the way did I discover that was the biggest load of malarkey ever spoke. Lets just say "I love you baby" and "your safe with me" are not the only lies men tell to get where they want to get.



And sadly after a while I realized he wasn't that great of a dad to his son. It took a lot of time and lots of "discussion" for us to find our "parenting groove". We both had a lot of growing up to do (some more than others but I'm not naming names or pointing fingers). Long story short he's a different dad and husband with me than he was with his ex-girlfriend. But when it comes to his son with bio-mom the temptation to parent the same way he had with bio-mom still hangs around and haunts me.



To the step moms dismay bio-mom likes to hold on to the way they parented together. She wants to still put the same expectations and demands on dad that she was able to before. Like back seat driving. In my opinion, family decisions that have to do with my family in my home should not have anything to do with bio mom. When step son is in my house he's my family, my responsibility, my rules. We contribute financially and so should she. (one of my biggest peeves was that she expected us to always foot the bill for his transportation back and forth between our home and hers, and my husband always obliged.) As a mother to my own children, I would hate this issue too if I was divorced. But that's exactly why I've worked hard not to get divorced. It hasn't been easy but it's not like a divorce makes it easier.

Jenni - posted on 12/10/2012

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Wow!! Sounds like my life and yes it does feel as if the ex and son come first. The children I know come first to an extent, but them making decisions that effect your life as well is not fair to you. I have the same problem and have gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore. I never know who's coming, going or whatever till I ask or bring it up. Sometimes feel like the relationship isn't worth the headache of the ex calling the shots!!

Theresa - posted on 12/10/2012

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Yes, Marilyn, he has mentioned as much - but it's unfortunate it has to be that way :-( Thanks for your support. xT

Heather - posted on 12/10/2012

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oh If you need a vent as I am in the same situation email me at hlysmall@gmail.com

Theresa - posted on 12/10/2012

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Thanks so much, Janelle. I am grateful for your understanding and support. xT

Lovedandblessed - posted on 12/10/2012

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Tabitha Lower, really check yourself! If you feel the need to name call this is not the environment for you! Theresa came to get constructive advice from a community she trusted to help her with a situation causing her difficulty. We should be here to help not condemn. If you need help with something I'm sure you would get help here as well and others wouldn't want you to get bashed. I pray you get a wake up call on how to treat others. Karma is real. Be very careful how you treat others. Have a better day.

Marilyn - posted on 12/09/2012

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Theresa, as for allowing conflict between you two, but not between him & the ex.. all I can say is, while my husband's ex had custody, he lived in constant fear of her restricting access to his boys, especially since they lived several thousand miles away, so he never wanted to upset her. And we're still on good terms with her parents & don't want to upset them. He's more willing to knock heads with me because, as he puts it, he feels comfortable that I'm not going to retaliate in ugly ways. It sounds twisted, but it could just be that he feels safe around you.

Janelle - posted on 12/09/2012

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I keep coming back to this post! it hits too close to home for me. Any bio mom doesn't want the ex's new wife involved because if the husband/father has "help" then the pressure on him is lessened, making him harder to manipulate and control by his ex. The ex usually hates that, unless he has a sane, good character woman as an ex. (But if she's a sane good woman then why are they exs?)



Ergo the bio mom often thinks the step mom should be left out of everything to do with her child. But the husband/father often doesn't know how to (or want to) step into the roll of being both mother and father to a child he has in his custody. In other words he doesn't want to sign the report card stating the kid didn't finish his homework or make meals or manage out door play. He can't do it all any more than she can.



Instead he is often trying to "make-up" to his child for "messing-up" the child's family structure to some degree or another. Our husband/fathers are carrying around a lot of guilt. So they oblige the bio mom thinking this will make up for what ever guilt is heavy on his heart. Also, he may be in a bad habit of buying extravagant gifts or suppressing any discipline away form the child. (something he doesn't have to do with the child/children of the wife he is currently with). This creates a very unhealthy and unfair family structure.



This situation isn't the fault of bio-mom, but she sure will take advantage of it if she can. And she can when there is no wife/step-mom in the picture. She still takes advantage after a step mom IS in the picture, it just gets harder for her.



If you are a bio-mom, please, before you say that it's HIS kid and the step-mom should stay out of it, please consider the many things a mom sees that a busy working dad does not. Like: the air soft gun the kiddo want's so badly is the same kind of gun that the neighbor kid has that he painted flat black. The same neighbor kid that wants you child to go to the liquor store with him with his painted air soft gun. Oh, and this is the same neighbor kid who broke into a vacant house down the street and vandalized it. These are the details busy (guilt riddled) dads don't see. These are the details that could save a young teens life. Are you sure you don't want step-mom involved at all?



Thanks Theresa, this has been very therapeutic ;-)



~Janelle

Lovedandblessed - posted on 12/09/2012

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A relationship brings together two parties and most of what that entails. Dont waste time being in a relationship if yours is yours and mines is mines. After marriage that rule no longer applies! You do not love another if their feelings likes or dislikes dont count. Period. Once marrige comes in to the story, it is the obligation of both parties to regard the other as more important than self. When they do that everyone tries their best to please the other therefore all are happy and will prosper emotionally and that trickles down to the rest of the family. And we wonder why kids grow up with degraded social habits. Since they learn from us it IS our job to show them a better way.

Nicole - posted on 12/09/2012

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I feel that when it comes to his kid..he should not have to tell you anything ....

Janelle - posted on 12/08/2012

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I think many of the "dislike and resentment for your husband's ex" should get in the way to some degree or else you might as well subscribe to polygamy. And the feelings of resentment toward the ex may stem from the quality of woman the ex is. Many women (or ex's) look for ways to needle at both their child's father and his new spouse. They like the power or control and often don't care how that hurts their children. Yeah... I resent that.



And when does any decision regarding a child under ones care not effect a person directly. It always effects a mom, step or otherwise directly.

Denise - posted on 12/08/2012

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Thank you Amy Depietro!!! AMEN! The kids' best interests should be first always.

Marilyn - posted on 12/08/2012

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Having read a few of your replies, I understand your situation a little better. Your original post needed clarification.



Been there, done that with the manipulation. Before we got married, my husband let his ex push him around. Always capitulated, always let her win, because he hates conflict, or any uncomfortable discussions. (Guess who gave his teenage son the "sex & babies" talk when he got his first girlfriend? Me.) But after we got married, and as I got more informed, thankfully he started giving in less. He wouldn't stand up to her himself, but he let me take the phone calls and tell her "No."



Hang in there. I'm glad he's admitted that things need to change. That is encouraging.

Sara - posted on 12/08/2012

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And this is why I am SO thankful that my husband granted me childcare power of attorney when he (we) got custody of his daughters. I have been stepmom for 6 years and we got full custody 4.5 years ago. My husband recognizes the fact that he can't raise two girls on his own without my assistance and support (physical, mental, emotional, and financial). We do consult his ex-wife on matters involving the children because, even though she lost custody (she only has visitation rights), we feel as a parent it is right and fair for her to know what is going on.



When decisions need to be made, we ALL talk about it, with my husband having final decision (as the court documents indicate). But we are all involved in the decisions for the children because we are all involved in their care. I am grateful that my husband respects my opinions enough to allow me to be a part of this, and that we respect the ex-wife's role enough to keep her informed as well. It has definitely been a healthy way for us all to see that the children's best interests are kept and we can all be agreeable with the decisions being made.

Nateasha - posted on 12/08/2012

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No it's not right you guys. Are married he has to forsake all others an'd cling to his wife. Yes do right by your kids but let ur wife know what if the shoe was on the other foot he would think u trying to sleep with your ex husband. So hun I hope u get to see this don't sell yourself short u need to let him know that this affecting u and inform him that it's not right.

[deleted account]

It continually amazes me how many people will take a wife simply wanting (rightfully) to be shown common respect and consideration by her husband and make it all about a child being put out. When two people marry, they agree to involve each other in EVERY EVERY EVERY aspect of their life, making decisions together as ONE for their family as a WHOLE. She knew he had a child, and has chosen to love and care for that child. HE knew before he married her that he was inviting her into his AND his son's life. If you don't want to involve another person in your decisions and scheduling...DON'T REMARRY. For those who have said a stepmom has a similar role to a babysitter, simply to care for, transport, and supervise the child... I have never in my life heard of a stepmom being paid. If she is expected to do motherly duties, with motherly sacrifice (meaning for free) then she should be respected as another mother-figure in that child's life and an equal member of the father's family, whose time and agenda are to be considered without ostracizing her as not wanting the child around or being selfish. Scheduling changes rarely have to do with the child's agenda, they are usually the result of the ADULTS' changing life circumstances. So saying that the new wife should have no say because "the child comes first" is simply bulls**t. The child is at the mercy of the adults' schedules and personal lives and usually doesn't even know or care, so there is no reason why plans should NOT be discussed first between husband and wife, especially in a situation such as this where she WELCOMES her stepson. And for everyone who keeps reiterating that it doesn't affect her so it's not her business, or that it's only her business IF it affects her...She is his wife, it is her house too, and they share a child, they are a FAMILY - EVERYTHING that goes on there affects her as well as her child. Seems like a lot of people are making this about Theresa not wanting her stepson around, or to cause problems with the ex. Simply put, her question was whether or not her husband owes her common respects and courtesies that all husbands and wives should show each other, whether they have exes or children from a previous relationship or not. The answer is yes. A person doesn't suddenly NOT deserve that common marital respect simply because they chose to marry someone with a child. Come on, ladies, this is not an "evil stepmother" here, trying to come between father and child or cause bad blood between bio parents. Stop making it more than it is.

Theresa - posted on 12/08/2012

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...And I have always supported that process, Little Miss. However, all this changed last year because of lines been crossed, so I posted to get a better perspective. I'm trying to re-build a marriage.



I have addressed my husband and he has acknowledged that he should involve me and is sorry he hasn't. He recognizes his ex-wife as manipulative and controlling admitting that he accepts what she says because he does not like to confront her. Not everything is done in the interests of my step-son, Little Miss. If you read a few more posts of mine in this thread, you would know that I am committed to my step-son and he recognises me as a mother figure in his life. We have a good relationship and I intend on keeping it that way, despite what relationship the ex-wife and I might have.



Thanks

Theresa

Theresa - posted on 12/08/2012

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Hi Tabitha

My husband has two children, and both he and the ex-wife have a responsibility to acknowledge that. I could say likewise that my husband and his ex should have known that we would have children together that would forever affect and change the existing dynamic.

Think of how my daughter would feel growing up knowing that her father puts her brother first before her - because he came first and therefore always should. Tabitha, this is not about being "put out" - goodness, I have a right to be considered too. It's not about not wanting my step-son around - you trivialize it - there is much more to things than them simply being an "inconvenience" as you put it.

Yes, i knew when we got married that he had an ex- but what I did not know was that after 7 years of marriage, the ex-wife would try to come between my husband and I and try to destroy our marriage. I don't think I should to try "handle" that. I shouldn't have had my husband put me through that, Tabitha.

Theresa - posted on 12/08/2012

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Hi Jerry



My husband does not have a good relationship with his ex-wife, they just manage to "talk", agree at times and agree to disagree in other situations. I actually don't get involved with the discussions between them. However, if it's something that they've chosen to involve me in or when the visitation schedule changes - I then expect to be considered in the discussion.



I do not think that my husband should "hide", "not discuss" or "not share" with me decisions made between himself or the ex, since as a wife, I expect my marriage to come first and for us to include each other in everything.

We both have an issue with respect for the ex, and the ex towards us. It hasn't been an easy road getting along. The relationship was very amicable in the beginning - the ex-wife and I were actually best friends (believe it or not) for probably the first four years, then that changed about two years ago, when the ex-wife made it clear to my husband and I that she wanted me less involved with her son and did not like the fact that I was married to her ex-husband. Just last year, she and my husband decided to keep me less in the loop of things, my husband honoured his ex-wife's request to allow me less involvement in my step-son's life. And little by little spending more time with each other. Long story short - my marriage almost ended last year and it's been painful for me building up my marriage again after having been a committed step-mom and wife for 8 years. But I remain committed to them both.



I do not love my step-son any less, and I am not allowing my hurt to come between us. I am very aware of being cordial with the ex-wife when we are together, for my step-son's sake, but it's no secret between the three adults, that there's been a level of respect lost.



But then this wasn't the reason for my post. Nevertheless, despite this as a backdrop to my story, I still think a wife should be included in the decisions, even if it is just out of respect for the husband and for his wife. I don't have to necessarily make the final decisions with him / them both but where it affects me or my household directly, I believe I should be informed and my opinion considered. Every decision affecting my step-son does affect me, the running of my home, and our finances included. I also have a daughter and both children should be considered fairly, so not involving me has an affect on our daughter, where her needs need to be considered in all things too.



Thanks

Theresa

Hope - posted on 12/08/2012

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I am the ex wife who deals with a self centered new wife that hates my children and puts herself before them at every opportunity. With that said, my opinion is as follows: the ex wife does not come before you. The child does. You should never respect a man who puts others before his child, including you. If your husband has to "run things by you" before making decisions, you have bigger problems to worry about. Just to clarify, I am not accusing you of being similar to her, I just think its important for you to have another view. You have the opportunity to be a huge part of this child's life & it's up to you to make it a good relationship and a positive experience for everyone involved.

Marilyn - posted on 12/08/2012

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As a step-mom myself, if arrangements for the children affect me & my time personally, I feel like I should have a say. If not (such as visitation, haircuts, etc.), I am free to voice my opinion, but will ultimately leave the decision up to my husband and his ex-wife. That is their right as my step-sons' parents. Mom & Dad no longer living together does not mean they abdicate their parental rights. I don't always agree with or like their decisions, but that's okay, because they are not my children, no matter how much I love them and take care of them.



Perhaps your question should not be about "arrangements that involve the stepson," but, "arrangements that involve ME." If you are not going to be a factor in whatever arrangements are being made, you do not need to have a say. You DO need to be informed, and should insist on it. But it they make arrangements for your time without consulting you, feel free to inform them that you have other commitments, and next time they'll need to consult you first.

Ayanna - posted on 12/07/2012

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Speak to your husband if the plans they make are for the child benefit then your gonna have to deal. They're the parents your not so you really don't have a say in the matter

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/07/2012

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Theresa, if you feel this way (as your op states) you need to address your husband and discuss it. He should have free range with his child to plan things with the bio mom. Yeah, maybe he should talk with you about it, but really it matters that the lines of communication are left open between him and his ex. He should be curtious to run it by you, but not necessarily change plans because of an inconvenience. This child is in a great position because he has a step mom and a dad who love him, and a bio mom that still wants him around after a divorce. He has a mom and a dad that still communicate and are trying to do right by him.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/07/2012

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But I DO know the bible says something about not judging others....I mean if i am wrong...I am...but I am pretty sure it is in there.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/07/2012

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I could NOT agree with Jerry's last statement more.



Stephanie P. Sorry to tell you, but it is NOT just the husband and wife. He has an ex, that does not mean she is an OUTCAST, it means their marriage didn't work, but she is still the mother. PERIOD. The EX husband and EX wife still need to work together, cause the reality, they have a child together. I don't care what your bible says.

Tabitha - posted on 12/07/2012

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As a parent you ass a step mom should be minimally involved, get over yourself you're husband has a child, he needs to parent the child, children always come first. To bad you get put out think of how the 6 year old feels when their step mom doesn't want them around when is not their time together because it is an inconvenience to you. You knee when you got married the could and an ex was in the picture, if you couldn't handle it you shouldn't have married him.

Jerry - posted on 12/07/2012

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Hi Theresa,

I am not ignorant and understand better than most how a family is suppost to work since I am not only a wife for 22 years a step mother for that same length a mother of my own child, and a mother of two adopted children and a foster mother too many children and families. You are allowing your dislike and resentment for your husbands ex to get in the way. Your Husband is going to have a relationship with the mother of his children that is separate from you. If you became an ex your relationship would be separate from his new wife. I am comfortable with my husband and his ex wife making discessions about their childrencwithout me. When I said I do to him I said to his Kids as well. They are grown now have families of their own and call me mom. They know I respect their mothercand father coparenting them and was a big supporter of tgeir discissions. So if that isnt okay with you. Than good luck dealing with the situation you ste in for the next 18 years.

Donna - posted on 12/07/2012

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Wow, some of these replies....... I too am a stepmom. When I came on the scene the mother was not in the picture. She saw her son maybe 2 or 3 times a year. She now sees him every other weekend, which is great for my stepson. My issue is, I am expected to compromise my time running her son around dropping him off to her house and raising him as my own (I have 4 from previous), but I am not consulted in any decisions, I am just expected to do. It is frustrating and it is completely disrespectful.

Theresa - posted on 12/07/2012

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Thanks, Janelle. I completely understand how you feel and appreciate your support.

xT

Janelle - posted on 12/07/2012

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NO! It's not okay for the husband to make decisions about the child without involving his wife. I don't care if the wife is not the "Bio" mom. A husband and wife make a life together and work together to create a home for their children. The husband and wife should be able to make plans then together include or ask the third-party-bio-mom. Then if those plans are not good with her then it's back to the drawing board.



Its ridiculously difficult and arduous but that should be the proper order of things. Step moms are expected to make sure the step child has his snacks, meals, homework done and everything every kid needs but is often denied any real authority or power to run her home.



Example: Step mom says "it's cold, grab your jacket". Step kid says "No, I don't want to carry it around all day." After some back and forthness the kid wins because she has no authority in the home so long as dad isn't supporting her.



However the school is the calling the step mom, not the bio-mom not the dad but the step mom to say "Your son was really cold today. Its better if he had a jacket." Step mom can't win. Then her own bio-children learn from this and realize they don't have to listen to anything mom says. It's a terribly unhealthy situation.



Husband and wife need to learn to stand together as a single unit, of one mind in one accord. Then they can involve/negotiate with bio-mom who is just as important. Then the kids can be cared for properly.



You may guess I'm venting my own experiences. Husbands love to take the easy road (especially when dealing with ex's). But even in every day life my life with my husband feel a lot like "Sit-down-shut-up-and-hold-on-for-dear-life". It's just what ever he says goes at the moment. What ever his whim is, that's what we're doing. It can be fun, but I'd much prefer to make lists and follow a plan. I like to know what's coming, but he hates planning or thinking ahead.



So his excluding me from plans with the ex or step kiddo wasn't mean or malicious, it was just laziness. It was an up-hill battle that I'd like to report we worked through but really the kiddo grew up before it mattered. (Thank God. At least that eliminates the x factor).



Although, strangely, she called the other day. I think some ex's like the one in my husbands life use the children to feel like they have something to lord-over him. Its a power they don't readily want to give up. And sometimes our men need to get a clue.

Stephanie - posted on 12/05/2012

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Jerry M. you know this doesn't even hit the bass line of being correct. Now, if you, the step-mother here (Jerry M.) had no problem with being disrespected, don't look for Theresa to be "STUPID" either! From all the post I've had the "honors" to read, some just typical made statements/suggestions out of ignorance, and some, I hate to say, out of being "STUPID" or maybe just hard up for "THE" man they "SAY" they want to be with. From Theresa forum, I don't see where she is hard up for "her" husband or any "other" man. What I do see is, Theresa wants to be included in the decision making for her "step-son". Which if one knows family structure, she has every right to want this because this is right. Sometimes we as people, will make statements that hardly surface, meaning, make any COMMON SENSE at all. I am reminded in the Holy Bible, in all our getting, the Bible says get understanding! It also says, if a man/woman whether step-mom or not, chose to be ignorant, it says, let such a one! Now, the problem is today, families are trying to rear children, have successful lives without Christ! Wonder why children are running the homes and the parents? Statements that was just made to Theresa. Why is America in the shape it is? Answer to both questions, God (Jesus The Christ) has been left out of the family "structure" and America has forgotten who the creator is. For the record, it is; God, the husband, the wife (Theresa), not the "EX", then the children whether who was first or last, the children according to the needs of each child. It's really sad how things are trying to be run without the Lord being first priority in our life, home and families. Theresa is not wrong! I back her 100%! Some woman could learn from her structure of the family for it is all correct. I guess if I didn't know structure, my point would be different from Theresa as well. It is the correct way as the teachable way. Just hate the husband hasn't come into the light of the correctness of family structure. No where in "MY" King James Bible does it talk about an "EX!" If someone else knows, please send, BOOK, CHAPTER AND VERSE TO ME, PLEASE! The wife and husband should be the two making the decisions for the step-son, being he is coming to their home and let the "EX" know the arrangements. And I do believe, they are to try to accommodate the "EX" as much as possible, but not to the point of inconveniencing the husband and Theresa. Like it, lump it, or leave it...That's why they are called "The Ex." They become the outcast. Her opinion is not needed! And for those who don't like it, it is just the way it is. I love a challenge!! :) ;) It is just the way the ball lands!





Mrs. Pettus

Shelby, NC



stphaniepettus@ymail.com

Theresa - posted on 12/05/2012

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Hi Jerry

Thank you for your post.

My husband has three priorities as I see it - his wife, his son and his daughter. Neither of his children should be prioritized according to which of them came first. That would be a very unfair way to equate siblings in even a family not separated by divorce.

I understand you are a step-mom and appreciate that we probably see the role as a wife differently. The priority my husband has towards me is clearly a different one to the priority he has towards both his children, in that we have a different relationship as husband and wife compared to the relationship and the responsibilities we have as parents to our children. Nevertheless, I believe that all aspects pertaining to us as a family and as a couple, have a direct impact and influence on each other and therefore consideration for one another is a basic value I expect both my husband and I to uphold in our marriage.

Jerry - posted on 12/04/2012

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The only thing he needs to inform u about is if it affects u or your finances. He had a child first. He is his priority. And that will affect u if u let it. Coming from a Stepmom's perspective.

Shell - posted on 12/01/2012

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Alicia:



This is just absurd: " If the situation calls for them to make plans that deal with days that the two of you can have the son over or if it deals with trip plans and whatnot then yes, your hubby should talk to you about it. But if it doesn't directly effect you and the hubby as a couple and your plans, then no you shouldn't have input into the matter. Yes you are the stepmom, but you are not the biological parent. "



The HUBBY has a new wife. She has every right to be involved in ANYTHING that affects their household. Unfortunately you have a very messed up relationship with your step mom and I AM VERY SORRY FOR THAT!!! I am a REAL step mom and I will be just as involved as his real mom. IF NOT MORE!!! I LOVE HIM!! I have that right now also!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grace - posted on 12/01/2012

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That's what court orders are for. The child was apparently here before you were a couple. The ex-wife is just that.... an ex. If your husband makes extra arrangements there should be no reason for him not to inform you unless he considers you as just a babysitter for his child. Actually, you are now a family and I guess you might look at it as what would you be doing if you and your husband had your own children. If you and your husband had made plans and needed a babysitter, then why not still arrange for a babysitter to care for your stepchild? That will open his ex wife's eyes. You should treat your stepchild just as you would your own children. Sounds like you and your husband should sit down and have a good talk, but the bottom line is when you get involved with someone who has kids from a previous spouse/girlfriend, there's "baggage" you have to deal with. If I were you and I had made previous plans, I'd go ahead and go through with your plans with or without your husband and tell him he has no choice in the matter of you keeping your plans. It sounds like your husband has no respect for you or your feelings which might be why his first marriage didn't work out. Good luck!

Catherine - posted on 12/01/2012

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It's absolutely appropriate for you to expect your husband to touch base with you on arrangements, The two of you are a couple and need to check with each other about plans. My husband always asks me what I think about the arrangements with his girls. Because all of our children come first, I go along happily 90 percent of the time, However, once in a while he tells me something regarding the girls and I have to say,"Hey, we were planning to do such and such at that time, remember" Then he has to make adjustments. It isn't difficult really. My husband wants me to be happy and we don't want his ex-wife to manipulate. By the way, you aren't being selfish like another person posted. Hang in there and gently stand your ground.

Carey - posted on 12/01/2012

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I'm a mother and a stepmother .. I well no we have worked very hard over the last 13 years to make our life's as a combined family successful . I'm so grateful for the 5 healthy children us 4 adults have raised .. Ups downs ect. I understand and have felt the pull at who comes first ..he has 2 I had 1 and we have 2. I've felt like our needs have played 2nd many times it's a huge struggle ! In working (alot) through our relationships I've found the most important thing is for you and your husband to be united . Your a family now too the 3 of you . Your roll in his sons life is huge . Not that your husband should ask for your permission but that he holds your value in the decision making of your (not just his or there child) . Just remember its never the children's fault we as adults set the stage for there behavior . Good luck it's a hard road but in my case worth it !

Alicia - posted on 12/01/2012

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It depends on the situation I guess. If the situation calls for them to make plans that deal with days that the two of you can have the son over or if it deals with trip plans and whatnot then yes, your hubby should talk to you about it. But if it doesn't directly effect you and the hubby as a couple and your plans, then no you shouldn't have input into the matter. Yes you are the stepmom, but you are not the biological parent. Trust me when I say this. My stepmom has done me harm trying to act like she is my real mom. Unless it effects you directly, don't be mad about it.

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