Is it rude to ask for money, gift card, savings band rather than a toys for a 1st birthday party?

Raminder - posted on 01/30/2011 ( 248 moms have responded )

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We are having a huge birthday party for our son and i wanted to know if it is rude to put on the invitation that we would perfer money, gift card, saving bond rather than a gift (toys), because my son has so many toys and cloths from Christmas. if so, how would i word it in the invitation?



Thank you,

Raminder

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Carolyn - posted on 01/30/2011

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Sometimes people have less money than it might appear. they can be frugal and find a 50 $ gift for half that price or even less. You can keep up appearances without spending alot of money. And not have to worry about looking cheap. I have found some amazing deals and purchased gifts for people well in advance of their birthdays or christmas.



Alot of times this is an issue of ones own perception of themselves. Sometimes people feel obligated to give more than they might otherwise be able to afford. You can spend 20 $ on a gift and noone knows the sum of what you paid, but one might feel cheap, or think others might think them cheap putting a twenty in a card.



I would have a hard time telling people what to give as a gift as it is something done out of generosity and kindness on their part and should not be an expectation on yours.



If people ask what he could use or like, then maybe offer the suggestion of a contribution to a savings bond or money. Or request these things from your family who you are able to explain directly to.



I am always a little put off by " we want money" regardless of how tactfully you put it. but thats just me and I usually end up giving a gift, because i have more than likely already purchased it if it is someone i know is extending the invitation in the future.



I cant afford alot, but i can get you one hell of a gift with what i can afford where as someone might be disappointed with how much cash they get in a card LOL

Marcy - posted on 02/01/2011

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Just a suggestion......for my baby shower my friends that were throwing it for me asked for guests to please help build him a library. Rather than bring a toy I asked that they please bring their favorite childhood book and write something to him on the inside of the cover. He did get a few toys etc but he also got an amazing book collection that he looks at all the time. Sadly a few of the guests have passed on (older relatives) but he still has the books and when he opens them he asks who they are from and to read what is inside the cover.

Vonnie - posted on 01/30/2011

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I would suggest that you word the invitation something like this. I hope you can join us in celebrating (child's name) birthday. This a celebration of his life. I found this next part on the internet and it sounded good to me. Write "no gifts necessary". When people ask what they should bring then let them know that your preference is a gift card, money or savings bond and tell them why. Do this on an as needed basis, in other words, when someone asks what they should bring. If someone brings a toy or clothing after you asked them not to, then donate it to a non profit organization or sell it and use the money and buy your son a savings bond or put the money into a college fund. With relatives you may need to contact them before the invitations are sent out and explain your philosophy especially grandparents. If they (grandparents)still bring your little guy a toy or clothes just chalk it up to the love they want to pour out on their grandchild. You could also donate the older toys, in good condition to a non profit group. Hope this helps.

Sherri - posted on 02/01/2011

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YES extremely rude. Honestly is someone I knew did this, I would refuse to attend. It so incredibly tacky and poor etiquette.

[deleted account]

You could ask for no gifts. (your presence is presents enough) Or mention that because of Christmas you will be donating any gifts to 'Toys for Tots' or similar. Does he have a lot of books already? You could always have a 'book party'. I don't really think it is appropriate to specify a type of gift.... or ask for cash, unless someone specifically asks you what you would like for them to get for him.

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Krista - posted on 02/09/2011

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The OP indicated awhile back that she has decided how to handle this particular situation (she's putting "no gifts" and is just then giving gift information to people who phone her to say that they want to bring gifts anyway.)

So because she's made her decision, I think it's time to close this thread. Thank you very much for all of your replies and advice, ladies.

Krista
WTCOM Moderator

Kathleen - posted on 02/09/2011

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Raminder, this is a touchy one, when a person is giving a gift, and the receiver of that gift tries to put stipulations on it, no matter how kind or sweet you try to make it sound, it will most likely be taken wrong. Sorry I wasn't much help on this one. Good luck.

Erika - posted on 02/09/2011

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According to etiquite, you should never tell people what to get as a gift, and it isn't acceptable to ask for money, however what I do is set up an Amazon wishlist for my daughter. On the side there is space for you to write something yourself and I usually mention some stores (or experiences) that she would appreciate gift cards to. If people ask me what they should get her, I direct them to her Amazon wishlist. I know many friends and family have told me they appreciate it. Also it's good because now when she says I want this or I want that, I suggest, let's put it on your wishlist. If I know the item might cost less elsewhere, I usually note that in the information as well.

Meghann - posted on 02/09/2011

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Ask everyone to bring a toy or clothing to be donated to a local charity!

Melysa - posted on 02/09/2011

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i would say that whilst a gift is not neccesary if you feel that you would like to give a gift that due to the large volume of things he already has, a small amount of money that he can put into a savings account, to put towards anything he may need in the future, but put emphasis on the SMALL amount! that way if people have financial issues they won't feel that they need to put a large sum into the card!
alt. if you put that whilst your presence is present enough if you would like to give something to _______(insert name here) a small amount to put into an account to help set him up for a great future!

Carolyn - posted on 02/09/2011

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so many posters seem to think the 1 year old is gonna hit the mall and go shopping with his money LOL, okay if your child was old enough to understand that money buys things , then maybe, just maybe it might be a little more understandable. But the OP's child is only turning 1 years old. too young to "want to save up for something" or "go have fun shopping". The gift cards would be for the spending leisure of the parents, no matter what you say, justify, in the end its the parents deciding how those cards are spent, and spending them. There is no fun for the child in the spending/purchase of things for himself.

Big difference between taking your 1 year old to the mall and your 5 year old to use them gift certificates.

know what i mean ?

Nicole - posted on 02/09/2011

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I tend to agree with most of you; I find it tacky to dictate your son/daughter gifts in the invitation, BUT if someone ASKS, I certainly have no problem telling people (my family and close friends) that my children have college funds that we'd love to add to, or that our children love to go "shopping with their own "credit cards" aka gift cards." I usually add how this is also helping us teach our kids about budgeting and the value of a dollar.

Corrin - posted on 02/09/2011

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Yes I think it may come off as not only rude, but how great are you to have sooo many things for your child that he has everything. I know I would be upset if I can't sit and watch the small child open a present that I gave him. Its fun for little ones to open their gifts. Plus when the get older all they get are gift cards because no one knows what to get them anymore. Who cares if he has so much ...let you child and your guests enjoy the day and don't worry so much. You can always return, or donate to the needy

Stacy - posted on 02/09/2011

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umm, yeah kind of. I would maybe hint when you talk to the people when they rsvp, like if they ask what does he need then that's when you say oh well, bonds are great then they'll get the idea, but I wouldn't say we dont' want toys,it's a childs birthday party he's gonna get some wether you like it or not unfortunatly.

Sherry - posted on 02/09/2011

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My son will turn 1 on March 25, I am going to ask that people make donations to his March of Dimes team. He doesn't really need anything right now. He was 3 months early so developmentally he is only 7 months. He doesn't really play with toys yet, and when he does he prefers his older brothers cars and wrestlers. I Hate to have people by him clothes a head of the season, as of now he is still in a 3-6 month and could be for a long time, I don't want extra clothes laying around for months. So far the few people that I have talked to said they would make a donation to his team or give him a gift card to use somewhere where part of the proceeds go back to March of Dimes. Most people will not be offended, they will be happy to be a part of his big day.

Shannon - posted on 02/09/2011

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I put this in my daughter's invitation: (we have 4 children and a daycare in our home so...)
"As most of you know, our house is bursting at the seams with children and their wares -toys, games, & crafts and we are hoping not to add to it. Gifts are not necessary, but If you would like to get Sanaa a gift she does like pretty cotton clothes, somehing re-gifted or handmade or maybe small gift certificates where she can pick something out - she takes after her father and loves getting out shopping."

Obviously I don't think it is rude - I had people asking if they could use that quote in their own cards, so obviously they didn't find it rude.

Shannon

Angelia - posted on 02/09/2011

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I think asking for money, giftcards, savings should be for family only. And only when they ask. As in: well come to think of it they have toys still left unopened from Xmas. Know what would be really helpful..... Or hey mom could you help us start a college fund for the birthday present this year?...

Ellen - posted on 02/09/2011

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My son just celebrated his 5th birthday and we ran into the same issue. I want to make sure that he understands that a gift does not necessarily have to come in a wrapped box. We had a very nice party for him and on the invitation we wrote:
"We respectfully request no presents for the birthday boy. Your attendance and a fun time with friends is the best gift of all! It is by no means necessary, but if you like, you can bring non-perishable food items for a food drive."

The party turned out fabulous! After playing, they had pizza, cake, and did a craft. A few days later, we took all of the food we collected to the food bank, and they let my son check out their facility and explained where all the food was going. We left the present giving to the family. With family, you should not feel too embarrassed or disrespectful to ask for gift cards and savings bonds. Check out the web site www.birthdayswithoutpressure.org. It is a good reminder of the excess we provide our children. Good luck and Happy Birthday to your son!! :)

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We ask for donations for an animal of child's choice, & let everyone know that the child will take some of the money (1/2) to get themselves something special...

Linda - posted on 02/09/2011

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i have had someone do this and it made me feel like they were asking for money for themselves or for their bank account. Unless it's a close family member, I would never tell them bring a gift card or money. that's the fun of having a birthday party so the child can open gifts? hello...tearing the paper, even if it's just a stuffed animal or book, they could care less as long as it has a box or paper around it...and anyone that ever says they have "too many toys or clothes"? i raised three children and we could always use more clothes or books or whatever..i never turned down anything.

Evelyn - posted on 02/09/2011

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I would not say anything, register at Toys R Us or something, and return the gifts I didn't want for store credit.
I think it's rude to ask for money.

Jessica - posted on 02/09/2011

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You can't really come out and ask for a specific gift but what we have done in the past is make a note on the invitation that says "Money tree available" or "Gift card box available"

Jenny - posted on 02/09/2011

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I see you have tons of replies and I haven't read any yet, so I hope I'm not repeating anything.



Our daughter is adored and family loves to give her presents but we live in a tiny apartment, so space becomes an issue. What's worked for us is to tell our family and close friends that we don't need a gift at all. If they feel strongly about giving something, we say we don't need more toys, but could really use (X) and if they want to pitch in $5 toward that as a birthday/christmas gift it would be great! That way people have an out f they can't afford a gift at all and we save them a little cash by putting a small "limit" (not really the right word) on what they "need" to spend. It's worked great for us, but that's our family culture. In some families I'm sure that would be horrifically rude.



Doing it that way we've been able to get the expensive new car seat we needed and a membership to the local children's museum and zoo. Then we send pictures of Evie enjoying her new gift as the thank you. For Christmas Thank-Yous, people got a picture of Evie playing at the water table at the children's museum with a huge grin on her face--everyone told us they felt wonderful to have helped make her so happy!!

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No, personally I think this is our way of helping families (our) take care of getting the best of what they need

Gessica - posted on 02/09/2011

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Hi Raminder, I don't think it's rude at all. Just know how to word it, ex: Monetary gift is accepted. When I have parties for my kids I never put that on the card, but that's because I usually invite close friends and close family. They usually ask me what I want for the kids and I say I prefer you give me a monetary gift so I can save it for them. People always get clothes and toys for birthday, not thinking some parents are buying clothes all year around and the kids might get a lot of toys around Christmas. You want to save the monetary gift for them for a rainy day... Imagine for example you invite 10 people to the party and each guests give you $20 on a card for the child. That’s $200.00 you have collected and you can put toward you kids college saving.

Ruth - posted on 02/09/2011

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I found that although we told family that we would like these rather than presents and have said this from the start it seems that they do find it offensive even if worded nicely. Well in my family they do anyway. I had my daughters party at the zoo and asked that people pay their own entry rather than get a present. In saying that though they all still bought a present which defeated the purpose of that. I find that if you ask those to put in for something bigger they are not so offended, we are about to have number 2 and have a very small house. So we have asked that family put in for a another car seat, toddler seat for the pram and a new bjorn. Not the same as getting money but it limits the present intake. And you will find those that don't mind giving money might actually approach you privately to organise something. My best friend has started a trust for my daughter with my other best friend instead of presents every Christmas and birthday. My husband and I are very grateful that they think of these things too. Good luck, it is a touchy subject with no easy answer.

Caroline - posted on 02/09/2011

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Yes for our party we never ask but some people insist and i would rather have something that we will use...i normally say sports stuff, camping stuff or gift cards or if they don't know what to buy then anything they think we would like

Tracey - posted on 02/09/2011

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I'm with Teresa. I think it is rude to expect a gift at all let alone money. However I realise that our society has set this rule. Great reply Teresa, request no gift necessary.

Caroline - posted on 02/09/2011

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i think you should invite who are friends not just who you know....if they are true friends they will understand that maybe your child is saving up for a big big toy or a trip he wants to go on or something for his room...if you are going to invite people you cant be strate with and that understand you then i dont understand why you would invite them.......it is important that children learn how to manage money....and for us that is just fine no matter the age or how they get the money...(our kids do a paper route ever morning)

Rhona - posted on 02/09/2011

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Hi Raminder...I dont think its rude. If you are uncomfortable with it, find something specific that your baby needs and word the invitations appropriately. Something like: "Due to my laundry being full to overflowing and the fact it has taken me a week to get out from under the pile of toys to send this to you, we would love it if you would consider sending a small gift card or similar, so that we may buy a (whatever it is you need for your baby). " This is just a suggestion, but its how I would go about it. I hope it helps and Happy birthday to your little one :)

Johana - posted on 02/09/2011

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BTW I would perfer the host to tell me what it is they perfer or want as a gift than for me to go out my way and waste my time finding a gift that you will just go return or not like...

Teresa - posted on 02/09/2011

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I would not like to give a gift that was just going to be donated. I spent time picking it out and used my hard earned money to buy it. I would much rather be told they would be donated and give money.

Johana - posted on 02/09/2011

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NO, I don't think its extremely rude.. You can write and ask for whatever the hell it is you want on your invitation and if you dont like it, than DON'T COME!! It sure wouldn't bother me and I will keep it in mind for next time not to invite you.. That's how I feel!

Michelle - posted on 02/09/2011

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This is what I meant by my original post. I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter and I did the same thing. She has SO MANY toys that if one more enters the house, one will have to go in it's place. She has become so attached to the toys that she has, that I just say that in lieu of gifts, if they would prefer to donate ANY sum to her bank account, then feel free, and if they feel that is unacceptable, then please feel free to join the party with no obligation for gifts.

Veronica - posted on 02/09/2011

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You, as the parent, are supposed to provide diapers and food for your child. Not expect them to come through as birthday gifts. Would you buy a two year old a jar of applesauce or wipes for their birthday?

The rules have changed... kinda sad.

Jennifer - posted on 02/09/2011

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It's not selfish at all!! Kids sometimes like to pay for their own toys, like my kids do, so having the gift card gives them that power! Also what if the child doesn't need anything right now like they said, what if they need something in a month or two and mommy and daddy don't have the money, whip out that gift card and bam, there's diapers for the kid, or milk for their breakfast! I still have 2 gift cards from christmas for my boys and I will probably end up using them on just that, diapers and milk!!

Devorah - posted on 02/09/2011

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in a word, yes, it is rude. the decision of what to buy should be left up to the gift giver. if your son has enough toys, you could say "in leiu of gifts, we are asking that everyone bring a canned good for the local food pantry", or we would like everyone to bring a small gift for a grab bag.

Laura - posted on 02/09/2011

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Yes , it's rude. You could hang on to the gifts and donate them or pass them on if you really don't want them.

Brittany - posted on 02/09/2011

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I thought that was a good idea also but I didn't know if it was rude also.

Veronica - posted on 02/09/2011

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savings bonds are one thing--asking for gift certs and money is another. Why ask for gift certificates if you already have everything you need? That sounds a lot more fishy than a charity... especially Toys 4 Tots. That's not a scam-charity. It sounds like you're trying to justify wanting money by saying "tons of charities are scams".

Glendis E - posted on 02/09/2011

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Yes it's rude to ask for mone,its better if u put no gift necessary. And they can understand oh OK the baby may have. A lot of toys so let's give him cash. U can ask relative s for cash but not others. .. ....like my cousin got married back home n on the invitation she ask no present cash only I was in speachless wen I read the invitation. .....so just ask ur close Friends n family

Pricila - posted on 02/09/2011

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My son was recently invited to a class mates birthday party. I ask her what her son would like she said nothing, she said he already had a lot of toys coming in from family. She just wanted us to come out and have a good time. So I got him a Birthday Card and put $10 in it, I wanted to give him something. Like one lady said if they persist on wanting to get your child something tell them a Birthday Card with $5 would be enough.

Erin - posted on 02/09/2011

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Thats a bit harsh, what is wrong with someone wanting to put money towards their child's future? Personally I would respect someone who would want that rather than a bunch of junk. Why is it somehow less "tacky" to donate to a charity (most of which skim loads off the top before any at all sees the real cause) rather than an education fund or savings bond? I think it shows forsight. Why is a charity better than that? It's the kid's birthday, not the charity's. I would be more offended if someone made me dontate to a charity that I don't believe in for their child's birthday. Who are they to tell me where to give my donation to. Lots of the biggest and best known "charities" are just scams. I'd rather see my money going to that child's future, at least then I'd know who's really getting the money.

Erin - posted on 02/09/2011

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I always asked for that stuff when my daughter was too little to notice or care. It's more practical because then you can put the money where you think it is the most productive rather than just getting a bunch of crap much of which you may not even want or use. I always ask friends what they want me to buy for their kids or if they want gift cards.

Margaret - posted on 02/09/2011

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Very, very tacky. If your son already has all the toys he can use and doesn't need clothes, either, then you should either ask that no gifts be brought, or ask for donations to a local charity or something like that. If someone sent my family an invitation asking for money or a savings bond rather than a gift of my choosing, I would (a) not attend the party, and (b) not want to know such people.

Veronica - posted on 02/09/2011

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No offense, but I've always found that asking for specific monetary gifts is rude. Maybe that's just me, but for both my wedding and baby shower, I didn't register. I gave a theme and took my chances, because I don't agree with things like that. I'd rather be surprised.

Also, what would you *get* with money/gift certificates? More stuff, I'd assume, so what would it matter if regular hand-picked gifts were given or if you went and got them yourselves? I agree with others here who've said to have a 'book party', or even donate money to a charity of your choice in your child's name. Basically, to be blunt, if you don't need clothes and toys, you don't need gift certificates.

Another suggestion would be to take his old toys and donate them then accept new ones from friends and family. A child should have SOME gift-fun for his/her birthday, so nothing would be depressing.

All in all, I see this as asking for gifts, and when it's MONEY gifts, it seems tasteless to me. Just my own take, really.

Heather - posted on 02/09/2011

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Limit your invite list to grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Then it won't matter what you put on the card. However, if necessary I would say something like this: Saving bonds and Gift Cards Welcome.

Lisa - posted on 02/09/2011

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"God has given us so much and we are just happy with their (your) friendship and appreciate that they (you) are coming to celebrate our son's first bday party with us."

You said it BEST!!! May I "borrow" for any future events?

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