Is it time to call the relationship quits?

Deborah - posted on 01/27/2012

Leave.



That's all there is to it. Having a kid CAN fix some things in a relationship (a sense of 'growing apart' can be stopped if a child enters the picture and the parents work together to raise a child) but having a kid is NOT a reason to stay together. It's a reason to try and make things better, but not a reason for staying.



If he really wants you and your child in his life on a daily basis, he is going to fight to bring you back into it. My fiancee and I split up this past summer for two weeks because his attitude and daily disposition were absolutely unbearable. I stayed because I felt trapped - he always took 'our' (My) car to work (even though he could be picked up for work EASILY), so I had no choice if i wanted to go somewhere. If I needed to go shopping I had to tell him I needed the car, but it felt like i was asking permission to use my own vehicle. The only time I would get time away from my kids were my trips to the store, and then he started 'suggesting' I take my daughter with me...eliminating the only 'alone' time I could manage.... the list goes on and on.



We had a HUGE fight, and I left the next morning before he woke up. He absolutely fell apart, and got some help, and now things are 100% better between us.



That's not always the case. Take a look at what you guys are fighting about...is it petty? or is it realistic? are they fundamental differences in the relationship, or is it 'nit picky' stuff that seems like he (or you) are just fighting to fight? It kind of sounds like you two have worked yourself into a routine of fighting.



The point of being in a relationship is to make each other happy. Yes, there are other things to it, but at the end of the day, if you aren't at least Mostly happy with where things are (beyond the petty stuff) then why are you wasting your time?



You need to be happy and healthy in order to raise a happy and healthy kid. If you aren't happy, and you aren't in a healthy relationship, you don't qualify as either of those things, so you need to change them. Depending on how old your child is, s/he will be able to adjust to the difference rather easily. You don't have to remove him from the picture completely, separate parenting is still alive and well in the world today.



Talk to him. Tell him you aren't happy and you want to leave because you fight all the time. Make your problems known... and if he has no interest in fixing or repairing the relationship, it's time to leave and re-establish a friendship with him ( so you can still both be parents). Don't just up and leave; since your head is telling you to stay, use your head to try to make it work and if he's not willing to work and make it better with you...then again, you're wasting your time.

Carolynn - posted on 01/06/2012

It is better and healthier for a child to have two happy parents rather than two unhappy and you have to think of the environment the child is in if there is nothing but argument - - its far better when a child is young than later in life - do your child a favor and give them a happy environment not one of argument and resentment - they deserve it! never ever stay together for sake of the child!

Mommy - posted on 01/06/2012

Please don't stay for the kids....it is possibly the worst thing to do. The kids don't benefit from having two parents who constantly fight and obviously don't want to be together jsut because you live in the same house. If you want to do the best thing for your child, separate, keep open communication between you about the child, and be respectful of each other in front of the child..

Kelly - posted on 01/06/2012

I agree with most women here about what your going to end up teaching your child if you stay in this kind of relationship...and I had the same delema at one time but I was married.I took the lead from a dear friend of mine, she told me that before she felt she could leave her abusive husband she wanted to be sure that she gave all the effort she could that way she could answer her daughter honestly and with conviction when she asked why you and daddy aren't together. It is not an easy task and the decision doesn't come easy. God's blessings to you and your child. I will pray for you.

Chris - posted on 01/06/2012

Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. Both of you still have the responsibility to parent your child but that doesn't mean you need to be together. I know how sad it is to break up a family but it sounds like it is time in this case. Remember, you and your boyfriend are also modeling what a "marriage" is to your child. Is this the type of relationship you would want for your child when they grow up? I know how hard it is to call it quits but it is time. Hugs! You will feel so much happier a year from now.

Rose - posted on 01/06/2012

Been there, done that! In my case, I was married and I should have never married him. The signs of laziness were there. He was laid off and was so lazy he would not even apply for unemployment until the time ran out. Really.



I was trying to keep it together because I did still care for him at first. Even when I was pregnant and cleaning rabbit cages for extra money. Or under the mobile home while 4 months pregnant trying to fix a pipe by myself in the cold. That grew into resentment and I was miserable. I am told I was a complete B**ch. I do not recall it that way. I thought I was just a little stressed and that is it.



What made it harder for me was our eldest is autistic and younger. He needed stability. I had in home therapy several times a week plus he had one he went to once a week out of the house.



Finally after he refused counseling several times and my mobile home (I bought before we got married) was going to be taken because I could not make my lot rent I called it quits. I lost quite a bit, had a few crying breakdowns and then I worked on getting back on my feet. My kids were happier. People told me I was happier. I felt more stressed the first year. Especially when working full time 3rd shift so the daytime did not change to much for the eldest.



I guess I never saw how it was effecting the kids. I feel bad for saying that. I consider myself a very attentive mother. I would do anything for my kids. I have spending money and it is normally spent on them and not myself. lol So for me to miss that, it broke my heart when I realized it. I still feel bad and that was over 2 years ago.



And now I am with a wonderful man who treats the boys like his own, he has from day one and we have a daughter together. And I am happy. The boys are happy. Also my relationship with the father to my boys is much better. We actually get along quite well as friends. I make sure to not mix financial (child support) with anything else. He never pays it. But there is no sense yelling about it. The court will get him. I just report to the court every month he doesn't and move on. And be proud that I managed without him.

Ginny - posted on 01/06/2012

Hi you can live happily and can bring up the kid only if you are happy from your heart .check with your partner if he is ready for a healthy relationship. And give your relation another chance , try to understand what things get to these fights ,are these issues more important than
your child and his upbringing.May be you can realize a bit and your partner can also realize, and try to solve your differences with maturity.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/06/2012

How is it for the sake of your child when all he hears is fighting?

Diana - posted on 01/06/2012

Staying for the children is an outdated and damaging idea. You teach your children that it's normal to be miserable and to fight/dislike/have negative feelings in a relationship.

Leave, for yourself and for your child. You will both be happier and healthier in the long run.

Wendy - posted on 01/05/2012

You sound like me and my ex. I stayed for three years when I knew I should have left. Finally I did and it was the best thing I could have done for my daughter and I. She is 19 now and remembers our fights and the violence and that has traumatized her to this day. She is afraid of men because of what she saw and heard. Please, if your gut says to go then walk away. You do not want to deal with the nightmares and fears your child will have because of what they remember. It sounds like you have a support system, use them. Help your child the best way you can.

Taryn - posted on 01/05/2012

I have just recently left my husband of almost 4 years, we have been together 12 years in total. We always fought, and after we had our kids (we have 2 boys ages 2 and 6months) it never changed, we talked, went for councilling and I made the decision to get my boys out of an unhealthy environment. It's early days but I never regret my decision because now my boys have a happy Mom!

Irene - posted on 01/05/2012

When your head tells you it is time to go, then GO. the fighting is VERY harmful for your child. The pattern the child is now learning will NEVER be unlearnt, all you can do is get both of you in a safe quiet place and grow together.

Daisy - posted on 01/05/2012

Do you love him?If you do dont just say you do it for the child ...and always follow your heart if it says go then go ....never stay in a relationship because of your baby because you will be resentful for that...think things through if you leave ..leave for good...another thing look within and see the changes that you meed to make as a partner and parent ...if he does put input in what you have then baby girl it is time to go...

Daisy - posted on 01/05/2012

Do you love him?If you do dont just say you do it for the child ...and always follow your heart if it says go then go ....never stay in a relationship because of your baby because you will be resentful for that...think things through if you leave ..leave for good...another thing look within and see the changes that you meed to make as a partner and parent ...if he does put input in what you have then baby girl it is time to go...

Rhonda - posted on 01/05/2012

How do you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years, or 20 years if you stay in this relationship? Think about this seriously. Can you picture yourself
happy, in a loving relationship with the man you're
with? If not, then it would be best to leave now. Don't let your situation escalate into something dangerous. If the man you're with is a good man then try to figure out why there are arguments. Who is provoking them? Are they serious or trivial? A lot of couples have a lot of anxiety when a child is brought into their relationship.
Good luck to you and your family. Whatever decision you make will be life altering so don't make it quickly (unless you are in danger) . If your young man will sit and talk reasonably then talk and LISTEN!

Heather - posted on 01/05/2012

You need to leave him for the SAKE of your child, and yourself. He can visit his child when he wants, make sure it's set on court papers though, or bad things can happen. I have heard about that first hand.

Bonnie - posted on 01/05/2012

Don't stay for the sake of your child. I'm sure the last thing you would want is for her to see or hear the two of you fighting so much. She can still have two parents who love her either if you are not together and perhaps the two of you not being together will help you get along better.

Donna - posted on 01/05/2012

Don't stay for your child. A child is far better off with one happy parent than two that are always fighting. I would try counselling if he is willing but if not then get out and find someone you can get along with.

Fearna - posted on 01/05/2012

Get out now!! Fighting that often will pribably not get better and could escalate with the stress if having a baby. There are lots of support systems out there if your family isnt supportive! Never settle for someone who doesn't treat you like a princess!

Ruthie - posted on 01/05/2012

Alot of people will stay with their partners, because they believe it is best for the child (ren). I don't believe so! I lived in that kind of childhood and hated every minute of it. Constant fighting, turmoil and resentment between my parents and us children were invariably being pulled in the middle of it. They would decide to split up and we'd be asked who we wanted to go with. Once all of us left home they split the sheets. What good did that do for us?

Brandi - posted on 01/05/2012

Mel--
It doesn't get easier-- and you have the power to be amazing- more than you even know and give your baby everything he/she needs with or without his help and you can't make him something he isn't. If you aren't happy together you can't be giving your baby the best you could. I left my son's father when he was 8 weeks old- I worked full time, was a dedicated mom, dated some but really mainly stayed focused on my career and parenting-- when my son was 7 I met an amazing friend, father and companions- we married and had another baby and I am now expecting a 3rd. He is a God-send to my son and the 7 year wait was worth every penny. My little boy is a blessing and has had a great life. Follow your heart-- your inner voice is louder than all the voices around you and only you know what is best for you and your baby... a home with a lot fighting and resentment and unhappiness is way worse than a single parent home filled with love and laughter.
Brandi

Desiree - posted on 01/05/2012

I had the exact same problem w my ex too.. i was w him about a year and when i found i was prego i only wanted to stay cus i thought it would b better for my daughter to have a family... boy was i wrong the fighting only got worse and sometimes when ur in a relationship u cant see how bad it is until u step out of it... I am now happily married to a wonderful man and have a son now and my daughter... every time i have ever thought back ive always thought wow i cant believe it 7 years later and we still dnt get along i am so glad i went on with my life.. that wouldve been 7 years down the drain now i have 7 years of wonderful memories:) take a step back and i sure u will have a clearer perspective of things:)

Naila - posted on 01/04/2012

you should definitelt leave him. he is going to create nothing but negativity around your child.

Chrystal - posted on 01/03/2012

Don't stay for the sake of your child. Unless you both are willing to make the relationship better it's not going to help the child any to grow up in a house with two parents that's filled with fighting. It'll just make everyone unhappy and teach your child that is what a relationship is supposed to be. Do you really want your child to be where you are right now? If you've honestly given everything you can to making the relationship work and it still doesn't then it's time to walk away not just for yourself but for your child.

Krista - posted on 01/03/2012

Some parents are good parents...but not a good couple. And it doesn't sound like you guys are a good couple. You're fighting all the time -- do you really want your baby exposed to that? To grow up in a toxic, unhappy environment? Heck -- you've only been together 19 months, and you're miserable and resentful. How do you think you'll feel if you stick with him for 18 more YEARS?

There's nothing saying he can't still be involved with his child. There are plenty of cases where the parents are split, but still both hugely involved with their child, and are actually able to get along once out of the relationship.

If you guys have tried to communicate, and have tried to make things work, and it's just not...then it's just not.

Vanessa - posted on 01/03/2012

i say its time for you to sit and have a talk with him on how your feeling. and try not to end or keep a relationship together because of a child because if you + him are the parents your suppose to be then there wont be a problem with making the visitation arrangements & living arrangements. Most women think the only reason for keeping there rel. with there man is is bcuz they have a child and want a whole family and its better for the child to have a family thats while instead of seperated when in reality it hurts them worser to see there mother nd father fight argue all the time n resent nd hate n hold grudges! they would rather them be happy and making things work out together or seperated as long as they dont have to choose between each parent or argument. all in all children will do better if they are not being forced to choose or in a home with pure negativity no matter single parents married,separated, re-married! sooooo... try the talk and work things out first because alot of women are also very stressed with cooking,cleaning,laundry,bills,appointments, etc. to worry for there love life and that stresses them all out and the only thing to do is take the stress out on there husband/boyfriends and all the men want is for you to be like when he first met you.

Jen - posted on 01/03/2012

I guess you have to grow up and face reality. You fought before you got pregnant. You fought during pregnancy and you continue to fight. The definition of insanity is doing th same thing over and over but expecting a different result. If you think it'll improve, you're wrong and stubborn. If you feel that constant conflict is beneficial for your child, by all means - stay and have more babies.

Denikka - posted on 01/03/2012

Never stay only for the child/children. It will not work. Besides, why would you want to expose your child to such a broken and resentful relationship? Is that what you want to teach them? That that is the kind of relationship that your child should look for?
I sure hope not. If you feel that the relationship is over, leave. Children would rather be from a broken home than to live in one.