Is it wrong not leting your kids be around some of your family because you don't like what they do?

Leeza - posted on 08/04/2009 ( 214 moms have responded )

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I have family members that does things that I don't like or care to be around. I get told by people that I am in the wrong from keeping my kids from them but I feel like my kids don't need to be around that or see what they are doing. I just really dont know what to really do know what to think about it.

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Aimee - posted on 08/12/2009

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Before I got married, after the wedding & throughout most of my pregnancy my mother-in-law was mean to me. I've always told my husband that its his mother & he should love her no matter what but if she kept on saying mean things that I wouldn't let our son around her. I think she got the hint when I never showed up to her house until my 33rd week of pregnancy (I gave birth at 36 weeks). I've always been a firm believer that infants understand more than we know. You are the mother & NEED to protect your children, even if it is from close family members. My husbands' cousin is also NEVER allowed near my son. She has said some hurtful things to me & is plain mean. I don't want my son subjected to people being mean to him or being a bad influence. My motto is if you don't like it tough. My kid, my rule! You just have to gain a thick skin for those other family members telling you you are in the wrong. Be strong!

ME - posted on 08/12/2009

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My children will never meet their uncle (my brother) because he is abusive, angry, and occasionally violent. I have no problem keeping them away from him. My family are all aware of my feelings, so no one is in the dark about my issues with him. I also have some incredibly racist family members that I will do my best to keep away from my children (they do get invited to weddings and funerals...so, I might have to make a few acceptions), but they won't be invited into my home. I think parents have EVERY right to protect their children from anything or anyone; it's our job!

Jody - posted on 08/12/2009

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I have a younger sister that is a stripper, do I like this? NO... but my 10 year old son and her are very close... My son doesn't have any idea what she soes for a living... and I told her when she first started doing it that he was not to know. She has enough respect for me and my values not to bring it up around my son. Therefore if your family does things you don't agree with, that is no reason to keep your children from them... Family is all you will ever have... I would just sit them down and explain you don't agree with what they do, but that is their choose. If they want to see your children they can not do that in front of them or discuss it in front of your children. If they want a relationship with you and your family they will do as you have asked.

Keyta - posted on 08/12/2009

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The bible says...bad association spoils useful habits,(1Corth 15:33) so therefore if some of your family members are doing things you dont want your children to be exposed to there is no shame in protecting them, let the bible guide your decisions.

Loveness - posted on 08/12/2009

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I don't think there is anything wrong with that,i have realised that there are some issues we don't like our kids to do or say,so we have a right to avoid them mixing with things we don't like.

Kim - posted on 08/12/2009

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Quoting Nicole:

Depends on what you are talking about, I have a beautiful step-daughter who was nine at the time of my daughters birth, my mother in law said horrible things my whole pregnancy about how she wouldn't love the new baby because Britt was her only granddaughter. I thought maybe she was just having a hard time adjusting but after the baby came the problems got worse and she would actually bend down to the baby in her car seat and say "you'll never be my Britt, you might think your a princess (the baby had a princess shirt on) but my Britt will always be the Queen." That disturbed me and esp because she physically bent over my 6 month old baby and looked her dead in the face! I was scared I 've never been around anything like that so... I just kept the baby away anytime my husband visited her, I would go to my families after a year she got the hint and no longer says things, but I;m still not around her that much, I think she has an undiagnosed mental illness like bi-polar or something, your childs best interests matter the most and if adults have problems, or cannot be a good role model for your child I feel as if your teaching them it is okay to act, do ,or say wrong and hurtful things!

I know its a hard choice but I hope I could help.


Nicole, I have to say BRAVO to you!! I think what your mother in law did to your baby has got to be one of the cruelest most horrible things I have ever heard!! That woman needed to be smacked!! I cant imagine a grandmother saying that or feeling that way towards a grandchild!!! I have the oldest grandchild on both mine and my ex husbands side of the families and  the first girl. 9 months after my daughter was born my mother in law got a grandson and then my 2nd daughter was born. It was never any secret that she favored her grandson but I never let it get to me. By the time my 2nd daughter was born me and my husband had seperated and my 2nd daughter was a very sick baby. My oldest was the first grandchild so she was special to them, the boy was the only boy so he was special and my youngest was the 3rd, she wasnt the first grandchild, she wasnt a boy and she wasnt the first girl, she was definitely left out! As she got older she noticed that she was treated differently and when she was old enough I let her make up her on mind whether she wanted to visit or not! Your daughter will one day be old enough to know that she is being treated differently than her sister and at that point you can leave it up to her to decide if she wants to be around that person or not!! I am a grandmother now myself, I have a grandaughter Faith who is 32 months old and a grandson Eli who is 31 months old and I am expecting another grandchild in December and I can tell you I love all 3 babies equally! I cant imagine EVER saying or thinking something like that to any of my babies!!! I must say that if I would have heard that woman she would have been picking her teeth up off the ground! That is just the most sickening thing I have ever heard!!! What did your husband say to her? Did she ever apologize? I ould not have accepted her apology anyway but its just the fact that she should apologize! She should be ashamed of herself!!! You are a better woman than I am cuz I really think I would have hit her!! You take care of your beautiful little girl and keep her far away from that crazy woman and her black black heart!!! You daughter deserves so much better than that woman!!! One day I hope she will pay dearly for ever saying or thinking something so cruel!!!  Your daughter has a wonderful Mommy, she doesnt need negative people like that in her life!! Take care of yourself and your little girl!!!

Jenn - posted on 08/12/2009

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Absolutely not- Kids are exposed to enough without bringing them into something that is wrong-

Melissa - posted on 08/12/2009

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Absolutely not! Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to expose your children to something you think is inappropriate or wrong. I had the same situation with a family member who drank too much and wasn't as attentive with my children as I thought they should be. It made it even more difficult because my mom was always saying how harmless this person was. I finally just confronted the person and my Mom and laid down the law: she was not to drink one sip of alcohol when my kids were around and she was not to be left alone with my children under ANY circumstances. At first, I was the worse daughter on the planet but I finally just said that I was their mother and if anyone didn't like it, they would just not see my kids. My way or no way - period. After the initial laying of the law, everyone fell in line and became the unspoken rule when dealing with this person. Stand up for your kids because you are the best role model they will ever have! Be strong...

Kim - posted on 08/12/2009

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Ok my situation is a bit different than yours but I think the same rule applies...I am raising my 2 year old grandson. My oldest daughter brought him to me when he was 3 weeks old and never came back for him. She is still living with the sperm donor and his family. He physically abuses her, there are drugs galore in the house and it is a very well known address to our local police department. Since the day I got the baby I have not let the sperm donor or anyone in his family see the baby! My feelings about it are like this, If I thought for 1 second that ANYONE in that entire family would benefit my grandson by him knowing them I wouldnt keep him away but NONE of them will ever make his life any better, NONE of them have anything positive to offer to him and NONE of them deserve him! All they would ever do is confuse him and hurt him and that is something I will NEVER allow!!!! In 2 years not one of them has ever asked to even see him! If your family members could potentially do physical, mental or emotional harm to your child then I say keep them away! It is YOUR child and you must do what is best! If your child is important to them then they will do what it takes to be in their lives. Now IDK what it is that your family members do to make you feel this way. If it is just something you dont agree with and it is not violent, illegal or harming anyone then you may be overreacting. I have a friend who wont let her children see their uncle because he is gay and I dont agree with that but if the uncle is doing drugs and robbing banks then I would say keep them away. For what its worth it is your child and your decision. Good luck to you.

Tasha - posted on 08/11/2009

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I usually don't do these blog things but when I saw this question I had to comment...I don't believe you're in the wrong for feeling the way you feel. Speaking for me, I strongly believe that ANYONE or ANYTHING that is not a positive influence on my children is completely unacceptable. Family is no exception although they tend to think that it overrides everything and it doesn't. I go through it all the time.

Tasha - posted on 08/11/2009

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I usually don't do these blog things but when I saw this question I had to comment...I don't believe you're in the wrong for feeling the way you feel. Speaking for me, I strongly believe that ANYONE or ANYTHING that is not a positive influence on my children is completely unacceptable. Family is no exception although they tend to think that it overrides everything and it doesn't. I go through it all the time.

TOYA - posted on 08/11/2009

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PLEASE DON'T EVER SECOND GUESS YOUR DECISIONS AS A PARENT. IT IS THE ROLE OF THE PARENT TO ALWAYS PROTECT THE CHILDREN AND GUARD THEM FROM UNHEALTHY ELEMENTS. YOU ARE JUST DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR YOUR CHILD AND IF THAT IS WRONG THAN YOU SHOULDN'T WANT TO DO RIGHT!!! LOL!!

Lisa - posted on 08/11/2009

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Go with your gut! There is a political way in getting your point across in making a stand. You are the parent and no one should tell you how to raise your child. Your child looks up to you and believe it or not, your child needs to know right from wrong as well as boundaries. Never let someone else set those boundaries for you. Good luck!

Devon - posted on 08/11/2009

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You are absolutely in the right to do what you think is best for your kids. I would even go one step further to say that it is your responsibililty to not let your kids around things that are bad influences on them. If your familys feelings get hurt then too bad... maybe they should change their ways!!

Tamara - posted on 08/11/2009

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My kids come first, if it hurts someone elses feelings then oh well. Your kids will be better for it in the long run.

LaShelle - posted on 08/11/2009

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There isn't a parental instruction book that comes with children, we as parents have to determine what we feel and think is best for our children! There is no way of telling if your making a mistake until later in life, if your child grows up and resents this then hopefully they will be old enough talk to and explain why you felt compelled to do this. My children are not allowed to be around thier great grandmother and the whole rest of that side of the family! They are to young to understand right now on why I have decided to do this, but later I will explain and then they can make up thier own minds if they want to continue to stay away or to become a part of. I do make sure that they know this family exist but they know I don't care for things they do so we don't go around them and it helps that thier father supports me in this decision.

Delena (dede) - posted on 08/11/2009

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No, to me it is not wrong. But as you know I severed ties with many family members. For my own and my families preservation. I stayed away from the ones I was in cantact with so the ones I wanted to stay away from would not have to endure hundreds of questions. I am sorry that I did not see my brothers family grow but I new that he and Lenora were gonna be great people. I am proud to say that they have done a great job of raising their family

Lynsey - posted on 08/11/2009

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I have to agree with keeping them away... I love my family and have always valued spending time with each and every one of them, but there are some from my baby's dad's side that I would prefer not to have her around. In fact, they weren't even called when I had her. You're children live what they learn, and I really believe that keeping them away from bad influences is the right choice. I may be told that I'm over-protective or that I'm sheltering her, but the truth is, she'll be exposed to it too soon in life no matter what... I'm just protecting her from it at a young age so that I can mold her and guide her the way I see fit so that she may choose the right path later in life... Don't let people bring you down for being a good mom... You know what's best for your children and that's what counts. :)

Patricia - posted on 08/11/2009

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If they are doing drugs, or are abusive, the kids do not need to be around them. You are a little bit vague about what you don't like about the family members. I think if you could name some of the "things" that bother you, then it might be more helpful for moms to answer that question.

Dawn - posted on 08/11/2009

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Hi Leeza,



I do not have a working relationship with my mother or my sister. I have, however, agreed to let my kids decide whether or not they wish to spend time with them. I don't feel my family is as active in their lives as I would like, but I do not want my relationship to dictate how they feel about their grandparents or aunts. We have had long meaningful talks about it and I always stress to them, they are allowed to feel what they want, but I make sure I give them the mindset if it doesn't work, its not their fault. I think its important to learn and choose for themselves. I never want to create animosity between me and my kids because I was stubborn. If the environment isn't safe however, that is a completely different story. Hope this helps.



Dawn

Carline - posted on 08/11/2009

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You are not wrong. If they are doing things like drugs, or smoking & your not a smoker or use drugs, then no you are not wrong. You would be wrong to bring them around negative stuff. You are their mother & you have the right to decide who come around your kids. I have no respect for parents that show their kids all kind of negativity. Then when the kid gets older & get involved with all that negative stuff, the parents wonder why. You keep doing what you do to protect your children.



Carline

Jenny - posted on 08/11/2009

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No, there is no problem keeping your family safe from people that match up to your expectations. If that means that is family then so be it. I have the same situation in our family. I we just stay clear of that person.

Ruth - posted on 08/10/2009

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You have the right to protect your kids from bad influences, yet it is more important too to let them know why your keeping them away from them. When they truly understand this they might or will be the ones to correct or remind the adults to keep away from wrongdoings.

Annie - posted on 08/10/2009

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Stand your ground! They are YOUR kids! I am currently in this same situation, and the rest of the family is begging me to give in. Just be sure that you are mentally prepared for a long battle, and your husband is behind you 100%. Pray fervently, and know that protecting your children from harm is ALWAYS the right choice.

With God's Blessings,

Annie

Oneyda - posted on 08/10/2009

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Absolutely not! Bad company corrupts good behavior and character.This is biblical...

Dorie - posted on 08/10/2009

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It also depends on the ages of your children and the reason you want to keep them away however, if it is not a safe environment then you are responsible to keep them safe.....

Dorie - posted on 08/10/2009

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If family, or anyone else, does things to lead your children in the wrong direction, then by all means put your STOP sign up. Doesn't matter what it is....PROTECT THE KIDS!!

Ginny - posted on 08/10/2009

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Quoting Leeza:

Is it wrong not leting your kids be around some of your family because you don't like what they do?

I have family members that does things that I don't like or care to be around. I get told by people that I am in the wrong from keeping my kids from them but I feel like my kids don't need to be around that or see what they are doing. I just really dont know what to really do know what to think about it.



No, I agree, there is NOTHING wrong with protecting your child.  We are MOM'S, that's what we do.  If people can't understand that, then they are NOT mom's. 

Laura - posted on 08/10/2009

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NO, you are doing the right thing, i have gonna through the same thing.......your thier mother and you have to protect them!!!! You know what is the best thing for your child or children........Hang in thier!!!! Your doing a great job!!!!!!

Shanon - posted on 08/10/2009

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I agree with everyone here that has said you are in the right. They are your children to protect and you have to do that the best way you can. If that means keeping them away from family members that are questionable have have questionable behavior then that's what you have to do. Keep your kids safe at all costs. It's what we all would do. Let people be upset, they aren't the ones that have to raise the kids to be functioning adults.

Joan - posted on 08/10/2009

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no one especially agrandmother should treat achild like that ilove kidsand am granmother to ten of themplus two greatgrand kids ,youshould treat them with respect and they will respond with lots of love .iwould have found it very hard to keep my mouth shut !

Anna - posted on 08/10/2009

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well done nicolle...keep youre distance cos sounds like you're right,,def something not right..youre husband should say some thing though so youre mum in law knows how hurtful it was to hear those words..good luck

Monica - posted on 08/10/2009

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No because kids tend to pick things up and it can be very affective of their behavior

Anna - posted on 08/10/2009

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just read the post bout your mom..think you have to come to truce as in tell her you wont bring kids to her house but you'd like her to come see them at yoours provided shes sober n polite to your partner,,same for your partner ask him to be polite to her so theres no atmosphere for your kids..if she doesnt agree to it then tell her you love her dearly butt you've made your decision based on whats better for your kids wellbeing..i hope she comes to her senses..do you have any other family that are on your side?

Anna - posted on 08/10/2009

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leeza, you're kids are you're responsibility in this world..if you're not happy or comfortable then go with you're instincts..my brother has 3 rothweillers and i refuse to go to his house or allow my parents to bring my two smaller children there..i have told my brother my reasons and even though my parents find it a bit harsh i have warned them its a no go area..both houses are built on the same site but fenced off..so i say do what YOU feel is right,,the others will respect your decision in time..good luck

Leeza - posted on 08/10/2009

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Quoting Nicole:

With that said, I would not think twice, if your kids are there anytime (while they are doing it, or not) The house is probably watched (my dad is a retired state trooper and retired head of drug enforcement) They will watch houses for years building up evidence taking down notes, license plate # etc. You and your children could be there for a bust and childrens services would take them no questions asked, then you would have to prove yourself fit, (even if you are a great mom the justice system is far from perfect!) I'm not trying to scare you, I don't know many details like if they sell drugs or have dealers over but I figure it can't hurt to tell you and might help your decision. Maybe they could come to your house or you could have a meeting place that is not threating to the childrens well being. My dad used to tell me that the hardest part was the kids he would think about them forever, so that is a touchy issue for me because I know how hard it is for the kids!

I hope I can help your decision and since they are doing drugs/fighting please try and find a meeting place if you want the kids to still see them! They won't do any of that in a public setting. Im really sorry your mama has put you in this position :(



Thank u! & That one of my biggest worries is that going to happen one day when I go over there. I have truely thought of that 100%. I hate to really say my mother doesn't like to come to my house cause she doesn't get along with my kids father. They dont see eye to eye. So that out the window. The other sad news is I have talked to her & it like she doesn't really care. Again thank u so much I really 7 really mean it .

Nicole - posted on 08/09/2009

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With that said, I would not think twice, if your kids are there anytime (while they are doing it, or not) The house is probably watched (my dad is a retired state trooper and retired head of drug enforcement) They will watch houses for years building up evidence taking down notes, license plate # etc. You and your children could be there for a bust and childrens services would take them no questions asked, then you would have to prove yourself fit, (even if you are a great mom the justice system is far from perfect!) I'm not trying to scare you, I don't know many details like if they sell drugs or have dealers over but I figure it can't hurt to tell you and might help your decision. Maybe they could come to your house or you could have a meeting place that is not threating to the childrens well being. My dad used to tell me that the hardest part was the kids he would think about them forever, so that is a touchy issue for me because I know how hard it is for the kids!

I hope I can help your decision and since they are doing drugs/fighting please try and find a meeting place if you want the kids to still see them! They won't do any of that in a public setting. Im really sorry your mama has put you in this position :(

Leeza - posted on 08/09/2009

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Quoting Cynthia:

I agree with all the ladies, it doesn't matter family or not family you have to keep the best interest for your children and if your family has a problem with your choices then they need to start making some changes in their life if they want to see your children. The people that are telling you thats you are wrong do they have children of their own?



The sad thing is it is my own Mother & My aunt . Long story short they use drugs, drink, & do pretty much whatever they feel. they keep sayin they don't do it when my oldest he there( I don't let my youngest go over there cause he cant be around smoke for health reason) but I gone over there to pick up my baby sister & there be people out the wood works coming & going. Then u can walk in & smell what they were just doin. On top of that My aunt & her hubby always fighting to the point were they r hiting each other. It just hurts cause I dont know what to do cause my mom wasn't like that an year ago. My kids love her to death & they ask for all the time. It broke my heart but that why I ask for some help from other mothers.

Cynthia - posted on 08/09/2009

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I agree with all the ladies, it doesn't matter family or not family you have to keep the best interest for your children and if your family has a problem with your choices then they need to start making some changes in their life if they want to see your children. The people that are telling you thats you are wrong do they have children of their own?

Michele - posted on 08/09/2009

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No not at all...............you want them to do things you teach. Possibly the family you don't want them around can influence bad choices.

Destiny - posted on 08/09/2009

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I personally think that when it comes down to it, you are the parent and you have to do what you think is best for your children. Who cares what other people think about your parenting style. It is your child. If it is not harming them what does anyone else care?

Rhonda - posted on 08/09/2009

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No you have every right to decide what and what your kids are arround even if it involves family. Its your responsibility to guid your kids and now a days you cant be to careful. Stick to your values. If they family members asks why you dont bring the kids arround be honest and tell them why, then simply ask if they would mind refraining from there activity while you kids are arround.

Colleen - posted on 08/09/2009

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I feel that if someone is presenting a bad influence on your children that you as their parent and protecter should have the right to keep them away from them. Whether they are family or not. I have had to deal with the same thing when my children were younger. It is difficult, but in the end I am responsible for my children's upbringing. When there are special family occasions then I made the contact very limited.

Brandi - posted on 08/09/2009

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I think it is your duty as a mom to keep your kids from bad influences regardless of who they are. Keep in mind however that sometimes and some lifestyles agreed upon or not can become a learning opportunity and doorway for discussion with your kids on you moral, spiritual, Life choice beliefs..explain to them why you have a problem with a particular person,lifestyle or choice and what the possible consequences are that can arise from what's going on.

Thank You,

Brandi

Heather - posted on 08/09/2009

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I think it is good to be that protective of your children. My mother in law has no part in my boys lives because of how she behaved around them. Short story, she attacked me when I was 3 months pregnant because my oldest didn't want to come to her house, and this was infront of my 2 oldest boys. She was told that when she could apologize we would consider letting her back into our lives. It has been 6 years. Don't ever back down when it comes to your children, do what you feel is right, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Monica - posted on 08/09/2009

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Absolutly not I have an aunt thats a junkie and we were all at my uncles wedding she wanted to hold my daughter because everyone else was and I wouldnt let... Stick to what you believe in because it probably what best for your child

Theresa - posted on 08/08/2009

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your not wrong on that.I know I wouldnt let my children around them. I have a "grandparents" that dont associate with me or my children but yet want pics of my kids and I refuse to give them any. They dont call them on their b-days or on any holidays.Cuz Im not rich.

Amanda - posted on 08/08/2009

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You are not in the wrong! You are protecting your children from bad influences and thats what mommies are for! I have a similar situation with my in laws! You just say no we cant come or talk or whatever it may be! You dont owe anyone any explanation when it comes to the safety and happiness of your children! Stand your ground and stand firm!

Lisa - posted on 08/08/2009

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Go with your instinct. God gave you those children and maternal instinct for a reason. You would be WRONG if you allowed something you felt was not in the best interest of your children to happen.

Denise - posted on 08/08/2009

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I would say, if you can, ask those family members to keep from doing or saying those things around your children. If they don't stop, than I think you have every right to keep your kids from those people. If it is a matter of not having family functions at your house. If they refuse to stop just let them know they won't be invited to family gatherings at your house.

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