is it wrong to yell at your kids? especially if they don't listen? what do you do?

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Traci Eleanor - posted on 05/30/2014

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I don't like to yell but at times I do and too much...I was raised "old school",my parents were divorced and my mom assumed both roles becuz my father , lived 3000 miles away,so co parenting was difficult and since Mama was and ex military wife she was used to handling situations on her own ..she yelled.as I look back she did it when she would tell us to do something and we ignored her or didnt come when she said too....and she worked a minimum wage job and as kids we obviously forgot she was a person as well as a mom and she may have had other things on her mind as well as raising kids ,working,and trying to maintain a home and a routine....the difference tho between myself and my mother ,is that she would yell and never explain why she did so ...and I do explain to my kids why their behavior sent my voice up a decebal or two..mama didnt feel adults owed explanations to their kids ....but I do explain my reasoning to mine..I have a husband and two sons 16 and 10 ...and at times the testosterone in the house is too much and I'm out numbered by males with a "why does it matter attitude"..I'm not proud when I yell but sometimes I do feel justified.....and yes I do get angry with myself for not being more of a passive person..but I am trying not to be that which I couldn't stand as a kid myself ....they say you never get too old to learn...I hope one day they will look back and understand why I was the way I was....and remember that not only was I their mom but also remember I was a person too...one who feels and loves and would go to any extreme to nurture and stand by them through thick and thin...

Michelle - posted on 02/27/2009

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it's ok to yell once in awhile; we're human. I have a very opiniated teeanger son who has ADD and Autism. He is not given any special priviledges to vent because of his affliction; so I do with him that I do with the other 3 children; if he feels strongly about what he needs to say, I listen. He will usually ask permission to 'say something' .. as they all do. I allow their responses; in the end I explain quickly and to the point what has to be done, not why, but that it 'has' to be done, I don't invoke any consequences because they know they have consequences because I taught them that when they were little. They know, it's up to them and if they do what their supposed to .. they will have the rest of the evening/day to play; if not .. then THEY take away their priviledges, I don't. If you feel your teenie bopper is getting way out of control and loud .. this works wonders. I start counting, firmly but not loudly; this is what I used to do when they were 3. They immediately stomp their feet and 'do' what I asked. It's funny, but it works. Beats shouting.

Emily - posted on 02/27/2009

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I have gotten loud with my kids but most of the time they still don't listen. I have found by threating to take away something that really like, like a movie, the computer or a toy then they respond better. My sons are 4years old and 13 months so time out doesn't work either but time out for there favorite thing works.

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I have found that being completely calm and in control of my own emotions is more useful  (even if I would like to go off the launching pad!) . I also be sure to follow through on any consequences for NOT listening--such loss of computer time or tv shows, even if they are mad about the loss of the privilege. With any luck they will figure out quickly that you mean what you say.

Shannon - posted on 02/27/2009

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i just wanted to piggy back off of the other reply. as a mother of three, a dog, and a h usband...yeah sometimes things get a little crazy BUT as long as you remember that while the kids are getting into "trouble" and you catch yourself yelling when you are done .... back away take a deep breath and go to the child you yelled at and sit down with them and explain.... mommy wants you to try and understand why i was yelling at you. i don't think you should say things like .."i'm sorry for yelling..." because sometimes yelling is part of learning. we as moms,just have to recognize the difference between anger and discipline. also - moms are usually "the bad guy" AND the one they always run to..... one of those - it's great to be a mom thing..ya know!

Lynn - posted on 02/27/2009

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Thats a hard one because sometimes I might yell alot and then feel so bad afterwards, that it defeats  the purpose. I'd like to consider myself as being firm  and consistance with my kids I n my opinion that means more then yelling

Elizabeth - posted on 02/27/2009

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Dalia, I have a 14 year old boy and believe me yelling does not work. I learned that a long time ago. This is what I do. When I see that he is not listening to me I tell him to sit with me and talk. In a calm voice I tell him WHY I want him to do what I saying. Explain to him with a fair, and a good reason. If he still doesn't want to do what you want ASK him why. Between the two of you you find a solution. By treating them with respect you will also get respect, because they are learning from you. It's like monkey see, monkey do.(smile) Try it! You will have a peaceful house. Good luck! I hope this helps.

Kristal - posted on 02/27/2009

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I don't know if I'd say wrong, but I think its modeling behavior we don't want to see in our kids.  Taking the conversation down a note, and perhaps even using a low voice or a whisper, sometimes does as much to get their attention as yelling.  Helps in a classroom, too.  On the other hand, we all lose it occasionally. I just try to keep that to a minimum, and if I do yell. I then explain to my kids what I did it and what I could have done (and them instead), when all tempers have cooled.

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