Is my boyfriend right for lying to his ex about us dating just so that she'll let him go to her apartment to see his kids?

Altina - posted on 12/07/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I'm not a mother, but my boyfriend has 2 young children from a previous relationship, aged 3 and 4. I think his ex- girlfriend still loves him and wants to be with him but he insists that he doesn't want her. My problem is, though, that he seems to bring her up often and I just found out recently that they are texting and I'm pretty sure that they're not discussing visitation agreements. Another thing, she told him that he couldn't go over to her aprtment to see the kids if he was still dating me, so he's been lying to her and saying that we're not together anymore. This really bothers me because although I believe that he should definitely do anything to see his children, I don't think he should have to lie about our relationship status just to do so. His ex is so manipulating and the sick part is that he just goes along with it. He knows that she wants him back and all he says is "well, I gotta do what I gotta do to see my kids." Am I wrong for being upset? He already has visitation every Wedneday and every other weekend but he says he doesn't have the money to drive back and forth because she claims she can't afford to provide half the transportation (even though the agrement states that she has to) so he wants to be able to go over so he can tuck them in at night and if she knows about us then she won't let him. Is it just me or does she definitely want him back?? It just doesn't mak any sense to me. I'm not even there so why does it matter if I'm dating him or not? I don't want to seem insensitive but he needs to put his ex in her place instead of letting her run our relationship. Any thoughts?

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Lacye - posted on 12/07/2012

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Just another bullshit excuse. He can easily go and get help from Legal Aid. That is what my husband did and all he had to pay was like $45 for court fees. There is no reason why he should be staying over at his ex's house.

Lacye - posted on 12/07/2012

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Honey from the sound of it, he is stringing both of you along. In my opinion, he's not just going over there to see the kids.



Another thing, if he can't afford to pick his children up on the days he's supposed to, how exactly is he affording to go over there several times a week to tuck them into bed at night. If he has a custody agreement with her that says he can see the kids on certain days, he should not have to lie to her and say that he's not seeing you when in reality he is. To me, he's giving you a bullshit excuse.

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Yes,you shouldn't get involved with this custody issue. 2 - He needs to go to court and file for visitation rights **and** make sure he is paying child support regardless if he sees them or not. That is essential regardless of the Maury Povich type-drama about she still wants him, blah blah blah.



You see, that type of thought process does the children ZETO good.



Also, if he's willing to lie to see his children, he's not being that great of a father figure because he's lying to everyone. - including you.



BTW, she is not running your relationship - HE is doing that all on his own. Place the blame where it belongs. He made 2 children with her and then left. That means his kids are getting him only on a very part time basis and adding you to the mix is just adding fuel to the fire.



Just pay close attention to this. If he has a child with you and then you break up, what makes yiou think he won't behave the exact same way with the next woman.



I have no doubt you are a lovely person and want to love these children as if they were your own no matter how little you see them.

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See his ex cheated on him, which is why they are no longer together. From what I gather, she was upset about the whole thing because she never wanted to break up.

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There are 2 sides to that story.



Look, I'm not trying to bring you down but I have a BIG feeling that there is more to this than meets the eye.

Amy - posted on 12/07/2012

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Stop justifying his actions! If she's giving him a hard time about seeing the kids he should take her back to court, not go along with her demands. Get out now before you become any more attached to him!

Altina - posted on 12/07/2012

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I do love his kids. They really are wonderful. See his ex cheated on him, which is why they are no longer together. From what I gather, she was upset about the whole thing because she never wanted to break up. Now, I do understand that I only have his part of the story so I don't want to make too many assumptions. And you're right. He is basically letting her dictate what goes on, so I agree that he is to blame. And the thing is that he's not a bad father at all. His child support gets paid and he goes to see them every chance he gets. For a while, actually, he couldn't see them because she had moved and failed to notify him, which is part of the agreement, and I was in court with him when he had file 8 show causes against her. We're both in school so it's a little difficult for everyone but I don't get why his ex won't just work with him. She's worst off than he is but yet she doesn't like to compromise. For the longest time, we would drive back and forth to pick up the children and drop them off because she refused to provide transportation. It just gets to be a little much at times. I don't know if I should stick it out or move on. He says he still wants to be with me but I have to understand his situation.

Altina - posted on 12/07/2012

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Basically, he's saying that instead of driving there to pick them up, bring them to where we are, then driving back to drop them off, he'd rather just stay there at his ex's apartment to spend time with them. Also, he's getting another place soon and she'll only allow them to sleep over if I'm not in his life. What I'm getting at though, is that if he really wants overnight visits, he just need to get his own place and show the court that it's suitable enough for chilfren to stay there. But according to him, that's just getting into a custody battle that neither him nor I are financially ready for right now.

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