is ok for husband to talk to mum behide your back?

Sarah - posted on 12/06/2011 ( 150 moms have responded )

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well the other night my husband went to see his mum. they had a big talk n he talked about a few things that he could not talk to me about. i was not happy about that. n he said to me that i try talking to u about it but i all ways say its about u not me. i told him but u should be able to talk your wife about anything. well that is what i thought married couples do.

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Erica - posted on 12/06/2011

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it's his mother. you probably talk to your mother (or someone else that's neutral) about things you can't talk to him about. if you want to vent of just have other human contact other than your husband, you go to someone else. you need to relax a little. you can't be the only contact your husband has. yeah, he should be comfortable talking to you about anything but in all reality, some conversations end up better if you run them by a third party first. at least he's not running to the lady next door ;)

[deleted account]

If you want him to feel comfortable talking to you about anything and everything, first you must get over the notion that you own all of his conversation and thoughts.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/07/2011

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Ok, that was a very odd response Nouny. There really should not be intentional jealousy made from a wife to a husband about a mother. It is really unhealthy to try and create that. This is his MOTHER! She had him in her belly, gave birth, changed his diaper, raised him, held him when he cried....he should be "allowed" to talk to his mother without his wifes permission. That is absurd to even think about.

Jodi - posted on 12/06/2011

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I talk to my mum sometimes when something is bothering me, and don't necessarily talk to my husband, especially if it is something that isn't going to affect him. I don't see what the big deal is.

Sherri - posted on 12/16/2011

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Do none of you talk to your moms when your having issues?? So if it is okay for you, why in heavens name is not okay for your husband to do the same??

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Blossom - posted on 07/12/2012

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If he told you that talking to you is difficult because of the way you respond to him, then discuss with him how you can communicate better. I don't know if married partners are supposed to talk about everything (I'm not married) but in any relationship, if someone feels like they are not being heard or respected it needs to be addressed. I don't think it's fair to expect someone to confide in you if you have a hard time listening.

Sadie - posted on 07/11/2012

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sometimes getting outside perspective (constructively) is a good thing... maybe he just needed a different viewpoint from someone not directly involved.. if he never brings it up to you and wont tell u the basis of what they were talking about, there may be a problem, however, he has to be able to tell u what it was about, and you need to be able to only know that, and not dig for other details..

Ruth - posted on 07/10/2012

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Depends on what he is really talking to mum about. If its relationship issues between you all, then that's an automatic no. Who else do you know that's going to have your back more than your own parents? That's why it's not good. Once that issue is resolved then it can leave friction between you and the parents. On the other hand if its just general talk, that's fine. I say leave your parents out of your marriage. You married to cleave to each other, not to cleave to your parents. That vow was made to God, not to your parents.

Kristie - posted on 01/24/2012

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I'm currently being challenged that if He doesn't want to talk to me than I must present some part of a reason as to why he doesn't feel safe with me to do so. Change starts with ourselves. Look in the mirror and change what u can to create a listening environment. Hopefully he will see those efforts and make some of his own. You can't make someone have relationship with you, you can only invite him to join you in the intimacy of marriage.

Kristie - posted on 01/24/2012

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I'm currently being challenged that if He doesn't want to talk to me than I must present some part of a reason as to why he doesn't feel safe with me to do so. Change starts with ourselves. Look in the mirror and change what u can to create a listening environment. Hopefully he will see those efforts and make some of his own. You can't make someone have relationship with you, you can only invite him to join you in the intimacy of marriage.

Carole - posted on 01/23/2012

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How did you find out about it? Seems to me the bigger problem is that he made you feel badly, and it sounds inadvertant. Overall, I'd be glad if my husband talked to his mom about something he didn't feel he could talk to me about, but I would also be hurt (fair or not) and concerned that he didn't talk to me about it.



The unofficial rule in our house is basically that if you talk to the parents, you make sure that you don't make the other one sound bad :) Other than that, it's fair game.

Emily - posted on 01/20/2012

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so you are saying that you NEVER talk to ANYONE, not best friend, other friends, family or any one at all about stuff involving your hubby? I am sorry but I do not believe that. It can be a very healthy thing to be able to vent and offload on someone (and people know when this is happening that it is usually 1 sided and not always fair so stop worrying about them judging you, because that is usually what this fear of him discussing you with others is), then you quite often can actually get things sorted in your head which can make it so much easier to sit down and rationally discuss things with your partner. We have had many problems over our 14 years together that have at least been contributed to because I have no one to do this with (my family love him more than me and always stick up for him and point out where I am wrong and will not just let me vent also I have trust issues (some valid, some not) about sharing with others, or I know they have to much going on to listen to my winging) so it means I am more uptight, critical and snappy with him than is fair because I don't vent, he usually takes a lot to get to that stage, and it is usually only when he has not offloaded with someone. We have a deal going that I do not want to hear or know what he has said, because I would be unable to let it go and it would cause more tension, even though I know that it is not always true and is just venting, but I can do that because I trust that he has enough respect for me that if anyone else said anything bad about me, he would bite their head off (and he has done it), even if he was just winging about me himself. If you trust your husband, why can't he discuss things with someone, although it is usually better being a mate than his parents as they usually have issues with the in partner not being good enough for their boy (unless you are very lucky)

Alexis - posted on 01/19/2012

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Honestly, sometimes I WISH my boyfriend would talk to his parents about things. A neutral party is at times a life saver!

Sueanne - posted on 01/15/2012

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I think if he needs to talk to someone other than you it has to be a stranger last thing you need is someone knowing your business or judging you

Ann - posted on 12/28/2011

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well if you too are not getting on it ok that he dont that but if you too are ok he have no right to do go behide your back as that can make war i known you too need to have a good chat about this talking will keep or finish you too stay bless x

Martha - posted on 12/28/2011

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@ Fatima, i believe they both need an examination of the relationship, my husband do not talk to his mom but he also do not talk to me either. lol. i thank good because hismom does not like me

Fatima - posted on 12/28/2011

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She is his mom after all, do you tell him of every single conversation u have with your mom or sister or best friend, i dont think so. besides its true that he should be able to talk to u about everything, but u should discover why he cant, there must be a reason...

Nova - posted on 12/24/2011

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Sure, it's his mother. As his partner, you need to establish guidelines that respect your sense of being "tattled" on. Good luck.

Dusty - posted on 12/24/2011

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Honestly, husbands & wives should have open communication. If he feels like he couldn't come to you with something, ask what you can do to change his feelings. Maybe you interrupt him & don't notice it. Or maybe something that is really small to you is really big to him.

Cathy - posted on 12/21/2011

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think about if you had a chat with your mum, my hubby talks to his mum all the time its good to get a different perspective.Is he making big decisions about your family with his mum?. Your feeling left out and a bit snubbed for his mum, don't be try sitting down together but remember even married couples need other people..

Julie - posted on 12/20/2011

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Pay attention - why does he feel he can talk to her rather than you ... that may well be your fault.
Always listen to him without casting judgement of any kind ...

Julie - posted on 12/20/2011

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Your husband possibly feels threatened about certain things he'd like to talk to you about -
Be very wise not to judge him when he thinks out loud to you -

Marci - posted on 12/20/2011

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so sorry for your son. Mine is not married to his g\f and I sincerely doubt they will marry. I see how unhappy he is and it kills me but I say nothing. If he wants to talk I am here to listen.

Margaret - posted on 12/20/2011

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I am sure as a Mom, she wants and needs to be connect to her son. I feel that wifves are first, but everyone needs to vent on some level. Or just share things with their Mom, parents in general. I love hearing from my sons, listening to them about their lives; even some bad, just to let them get it out, is a good thing. And most wives talk to their Moms, so what is the different...NONE,,,,Maybe some wives/girfirnds have a fear that the Mom, does know best...or have good thoughts, that can be shared and discussed. I found todays gals, feel that a man should do 50% or more, just to make them happen, well I tell you glas, it's not always that way or should it be...I have a son, divorced, anyone in his life since, has been, what can you do to help me...me....me and not there for him. So Yes a Son should talk to their Moms....

Marci - posted on 12/19/2011

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Sheenu..25 yrs later and I'm in the same situation and never got out. My mother in law was verbally abusive to me for no reason other than I took her only son. I now have 3 sons and 1 of them had a baby with a girl who has 2 other children. It is not the life I wanted for my son but it is too late. They are together less than 2 yrs and are on a rocky path. I will always be here for my son to talk to, she should be glad it is me and not another woman, although I feel she is pushing him away slowly but surely without any help from me. Sad case there is a baby involved who he will always take care of. He works hard and she cares for the children.I feel she is extremely lazy. Anyway I'm getting off topic..Sheenu get out while your young. PM me if you want to chat.

Lindile - posted on 12/19/2011

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I dont think it means he values you less. Its his mom after all. I amd guessing thats what you want your children to be able to do- come to you for advice or a bit of chat. Be themselves with you. Be glad he is talking to the mom who means no harm to him or you for that matter. Imagine if it was an outsider of the family. How would you feel then having your launddry out there?

Sheenu - posted on 12/19/2011

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thanks for everyone for the suggestions. But seems, for me there is no solution for this problem, its unfortunate that one realtoinship has changed my view, being a mother myself, still gets scared of this best mum-son relationship. for last 7 years my hubby is giving me hell silently every minute for only one reason that his mum did not like me. He accepts she was unreasonable with me but still can't help hating me. we both are with each other becoz of kids.I just have one pray that I want my kids to me only. I posted it here if there is something I can get help with anything. Would like to leave it here today., Thanks for everyone's support where I could share my problem.

Wendy - posted on 12/19/2011

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Do you say to him "it's about you not me" ? Because if you do then going to his mum is better than bottling it up. Me and my husband can talk about anything to each other and we are lucky in that, but I would not be angry with him if he felt the need to speak to someone else about something that was worrying him and he wanted someoe elses opinion.

Sapna - posted on 12/19/2011

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no...i dont think its right...if he wants to talk about something with her mom he should do it infront of u

Russett - posted on 12/19/2011

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( Listen to your self Sarah,) My husband went to see his mum. They had a big talk n he talked about a few things that he could not talk to me about. (You just answered your own question. "he could not talk to you about it, because he had already tried") I was not happy about that. n he said to me that i try talking to you about it but i always say its about u not me. (there again is your answer. You need to listen to him as you would listen to your best friend, and be open minded.) i told him but u should be able to talk to your wife about anything. well that is what I thought married couples do. (Yes, he should be able to talk to you about any thing. BUT you have put up a wall and won't listen to him and turned what he is trying to tell you into a subject where you are the victim. and are getting on the defensive, putting him on guard of what he tells you. Making him feel that he won't get a straight answer or opinion from you. Therefore he talked to his mum about a matter that "HE HAD FIRST TRIED TO TALK TO YOU" and got no results because the communication lines were jammed with you putting up a wall that he couldn't get through. Maybe you should try harder on your part to understand his point of view. He felt that he had no other choice but to talk to his mum because he had already tried to talk to you. Your husband should be the love of your life and you should not do or say anything without first asking your self how he would feel about it. Would he approve, Would it hurt his feelings, Would he understand? He should be your best friend. . When you marry, you become one. and what you do or say effects the other, You are a team. He is the other half of you as you are the other half of him. Don't shut him out when he tries to talk to you and he won't have to talk to his mum about your problems or dealings. This advise also goes for the man. NOW think about this young lady......he talked to his mum how do you know this? Did he tell you or did his mum tell you? How do you think he would feel if he knew that you went online and aired your dirty laundry talking to people you don't even know? Do you think that would make him happy? Or would he be appalled. He talked to his mum who he trusted. You talk to people you don't even know. You are both searching for answers. Now I ask you whats the difference. Think about it,. Are you the problem here? You said he tried to talk to you but you wouldn't listen and cut him off by making it about you and not him. You took the short and easy way out of the conversation just like in your posting. No capital letters. using one letter instead of typing the whole word such as n u and you didn't proof read what you had wrote or you would have seen that you already answered your own questions. If you want peace and harmony in your marriage you need to take responsibility of your own actions and thoughts. I wish you well and God Blesses you and your husband and your marriage.

Deb - posted on 12/19/2011

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After 2 marriages (1st husband past away) and 8 kids ( 2 our granddaughters we adopted). Going to his mother just to talk is fine and my husband has done that just to visit, but if it about marital problems those are best left at home and worked out between the two persons involved. I can tell you It is not good to talk to parents or other relatives about marital problems. The two of you will make up and the family member that has been confided in will be holding a grudge against your mate for the things you told them. And never discuss problems with your kids about the other parent. My mom used to do that and I found out years later that most of what she said was out of anger and it wasn't true. Make sure you are "tuned in" when your husband needs to talk. Learn to recognize those signals. Stop what you are doing and give him all your attention, because it may not be mother he goes to the next time. More marriages might be saved if there was just communication. That is the most important ingredient in a marriage.

Christine - posted on 12/18/2011

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Your husband needs to cut the cord. Sure, he can talk to his Mother. But if the subject matter is concerns his homelife, career, children or YOU...then those conversations most definitely should be with YOU. I have a young son. I wouldn't want him coming to me later in life, with issues he and his partner should be working through together. Coming to "Mother" is immature and disrespectful to the woman he chose to marry. Like I said. Grow up and cut the cord.

PAULA - posted on 12/18/2011

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yes it is!!! i love when my son visits alone,i get to really talk to him and keep connected to him!

Donna - posted on 12/18/2011

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There are bigger issues, such as the nature of the relationships involved; however, it could be to your advantage that he is talking over things instead of acting out. My son calls me and discusses issues that he needs help with, and many times I am able to help him see things from a female perspective that helps him in his intimate relationship. I think that men don't always understand women and sometimes need coaching to help them succeed in achieving the intimacy they want and need.

Clara - posted on 12/18/2011

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Hello, I can understand both sides, My exhusband talked to his mother alot,mostly about me thats why he is the ex, But i also have a 28 year old son who comes and talks to me about alot of his problems,I believe it helps him see them in a different light,put them in the right perspective,and he gets to visit his younger brother and sister, I really wouldn't worry so much about it,my daughter in law also comes or calls with problems also,just be thankful it is only his mum not another women. God bless and relax in fact call his mum and thank her for being there for her son and you, it helps to put a different angle on things.
Clara

Sheenu - posted on 12/16/2011

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Hi Sarah, I can understand where you are coming from and where other women are, I think all are right on their views. Its just the different circumstances. I agree men should not ask permission from his partener to speak to his mum but at the same time it depends how ur relationship with him and his mum. I have the same thing in my marraige since the beginning but I could not sort this out rather it brought wide gap in my marriage and I have accpeted to be excluded out of the in-laws and my hubby. My hubby is very close to his mum and sis and I could never know what was happening in her house and what they ll are talkingfor hours and Refused to tell me any important decision like selling property or even the smallest thing what to cook in the dinner? they have every clue about our life and my partener likes to listen to her than me.she does not leave a chance to make him against me and I see the results in the minutes. I think the best solution for your problem is that your hubby should involve everyone in their bounderies. I bet you wont have any problem when he is talking to her even all the time about everything but you should have a little clue about this atleast. or may be sometimes.

Lorraine - posted on 12/16/2011

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Good gosh! Talk to my mom! What an insane idea. My life stays my life to live so long as I hold my mother at arms length and keep the truly personal details to myself. Congrats to those of you who manage a close relationship with your mother. Believe me not all moms are the same.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 12/16/2011

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Bloody hell Sherri! Your husband isn't supposed to talk to anyone without your permission don't you know that? What kind of country do you think you live in where men have rights? :)

Gontse - posted on 12/14/2011

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I thought that it was just my husband.

This is not on, what is it that he is talking to her that he cannot talk with you. My issue also lies in the fact that why is his mother letting him do that she should be encouraging him to discuss things with his wife....she should know how it feels! I don't want to lie since being married and having my baby I prefer to keep away from my MIL because its best for my marriage that I do. I tried to form a relationship with her but that proved useless and my husband doesn't help either because the more he goes to her the more she feels like she has an entitlement.

Good luck dear it isn't easy!

Michelle - posted on 12/13/2011

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I understand where you are coming from on this. There are certain times that I don't mind that my hubby chats things up with his mom, but when it concerns our marriage, I believe it should be me he is talking to. He expects me to go to him with things, I expect the same courtesy from him. His mom is quite controlling and has created quite a bit of conflict in our marriage by not knowing all circumstances and only throwing her opinion around with half the info... I don't run to my mom with our problems, I go to him. He's the one I have to work on it with, not my mom and the same for him. Our pre-marriage counseling suggested to not take problems between each other to our parents, otherwise it could create harsh feelings towards us from them and even after we patch things up, they will still feel that harsh way & it will only cause more issues later... I agree. Hang in there... :0)

Charm - posted on 12/13/2011

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No, my hubbie of 14 years use too do the same thing, and most of the private meetings and conversations initiated by his mother was her complaining about me. Right now we are separated and he is living with his mom.

Patricia - posted on 12/13/2011

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try and see if you can get him to talk to you first i agree that is what married couples are supposed to do

Leeann - posted on 12/13/2011

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Take this how you want, but sometimes a man and or a woman just needs their mom. I know that if me and my dh were having a particular hard time, I need to talk to my mom or even my dad. and my dh does the same. But to really answer your question...yes husbands and wives do need to talk to each other, but from what I learned sometimes you need outside help. Just sit down with him tell him you have your listening ears on, and listen to what he has to say. dont say anything until he is done.. I hope I helped good luck!

Marci - posted on 12/13/2011

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my son speaks to me and I believe his SO does not like it but if he needs to vent to me I will always listen.

Janessa - posted on 12/12/2011

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As long as he isn't complaining about you or your relationship, that should never happen, but if you want him to talk to you about everything be open and listen and offer the support he needs. You are his wife and really you should be able to share everything. I remember a time in our past when my husband didn't come to me first because he was afraid of my reaction, so I have tried to change my perspective and the way I react, so that if he is going through something difficult he can feel like I am a safe person to come to. Good-luck.

Stifler's - posted on 12/12/2011

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I'm not sure it has anything to do with he doesn't want to talk to you. Sometimes you just want to have a bitch about things instead of argue with your partner about it.

Charlie - posted on 12/12/2011

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It's his mother.
He has every right to talk to her in private it is a completely different relationship so Im not really sure why you are feeling so threatened but there are times when certain people can understand certain problems more and yes sometimes others may be more understanding of the conversation than myself that doesnt mean the love for me or between us is any less it is just that I respect his need to have more than one confidant, someone he trusts and someone i trust like his mother which I find is a non issue.

Pamela - posted on 12/12/2011

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It is unfortunate when you have a husband that is unwilling to talk to you about certain problems and instead goes to his Mother. That happened with my ex and is one of the reasons he is my ex. He was never able to cut the apron strings from his father or mother. That is still the case and he will be 66 yrs. old in January.

Some men never outgrow their need for their mothers. Accept it as such. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!!!!!!!
Maybe he will change, maybe not. Love him UNCONDITIONALLY!!! That's the best advice I can offer.

Teresa - posted on 12/12/2011

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Unless these conversations are about you negatively and coming between you... I wouldn't worry.. I think that it's great for a man to continue to have that mother son relationship..A husband needs someone else to talk to.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/12/2011

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In your same boat, Jessica as far as which side travels and which side doesn't. to be quite honest, I told our inlaws that the road goes both directions, and it's getting a little worn out going west, time to wear in the east bound lanes!



So, of course, I'm the 'bad guy" but...my hubby is disabled. If his siblings can't understand that, then that's not my fault! They haven't seen their nephews in 8 years.



My SIL showed up out of the blue this weekend, which was a pleasant surprise

Jessica - posted on 12/12/2011

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@Shawnn, Yes, my husband and I have travelled there for the better part of 10 yrs, despite the fact that we can't take our pets and it puts us out enormously. They've travelled to see us twice in that same time frame, have refused to stay at our home, and have spent only a few hrs with us, the rest in their hotel. And this was only when we moved into our home and right after we had our daughter.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/12/2011

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Jessica, have you made any effort to bridge the rift? Have YOU been willing to travel for your daughter to get to know her relatives? I'm not saying you're not, but a lot of times, the rest of the family gets tired of one member always expecting everyone to come to them...

I wouldn't know. I love my MIL, always have, and we get along great. There hasn't been an issue for 20 years

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