Is smacking my child wrong?

Heather - posted on 12/10/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I have a son ho is 5.



He is rude, obnoxious, ungreatful and very naughty.



After a difficult week of his behaviour the last straw was when I told him to go to his room



his reply "I dont care i will open the door and punch you in the face"



I took EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS TOYS OFF HIM



He is not allowed childrens TV, he is not allowed any nice snacks like chocolate or cakes.





BUT STILL his attitude and behaviour is not acceptable.





After finding him in the kitchen stealing from the cupboards i put a lock in the kitchen door.



This morning i found he had broken the lock and was in the kitchen eating crap out of the cupboards and I lost it.



I smacked him hard on his bum 3 times and dumped him on his bed in the bedroom..



I feel very guilty but I cannot see what else I can do to make him understand what is good behaviour and bad behaviour.

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Lacye - posted on 12/10/2012

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Let's start from the beginning.



1. 5 year olds are usually rude and ungrateful and annoying as hell. They are at the stage where they are really going to push your buttons to see how far they can push you before you crack. You need to be the one that stays calm and collected no matter what.



2. Did you talk to him about him threatening to punch you in the face? Did you ask why he would say or do something like that? I'm sorry but kids don't just come up with these things on their own. Have you asked him where he has heard this? To me, that is a little disturbing but can still be manageable.



3. You said he's not allowed to watch children's tv, what exactly do you mean by that? Is he allowed to just not watch the shows he likes or did you take the tv away completely?



4. Did you talk to your son about him sneaking into the cabinets? Did he give a reason why he was doing it, besides to go after the snacks? Could it have been that he was just hungry? If you don't want him to have those types of snacks, you really need to move them to where he can't find them or just stop buying them period.



5. I'm only going to say this once so please listen to me. Never spank your child if you are angry! At that point, you were angry. Your guilty feelings are understandable. You know you should have stepped away until you had calmed down.



Now I'm not against spanking, but there is a right way and a wrong way. Spanking should never be done during a time when you are angry. Your son does know the difference between good behavior and bad behavior. It's just right now he is trying to push buttons. He is trying to upset you. That is normal. You just have to keep yourself calm and not allow him to upset you.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/10/2012

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Sounds like you are constantly feeding into his negative behavior. A child will get attention any way they can, and that includes negative attention. You hitting him is not teaching him hitting is wrong, it is reinforcing hitting to make someone do what you want them to do. So no, hitting is not the answer. Getting to the source of his behavior is. Yes taking away privileges can be a way to get his behavior in check, but not just when you are doing it for strictly punishment. It doesn't sound like what you are doing is beneficial to either one of you, so you may need to really start trying new techniques.

Brandi - posted on 12/10/2012

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I grew up getting spanked, smacked, whipped, whatever you wanna call it. It didn't kill me! I am studying psychology and according to doctors, spanking a child (even a mild smack) is the cause of so many adults having mental disorders (anxiety, depression, etc.) As a parent and step parent, I see that discipline is like a trial and error thing. Spanking may work for one child while time outs may work better for the next. With my four kids (3 of mine and a step), my oldest could be put in time out and would straighten up. My middle daughter, she was/is hell on wheels. Spanking only made things worse and if put in time out, she would hit her head on the wall. I even had her tested for autism because of that. With her, you had to calm her down before handling anything. With my youngest daughter, "the look" works - usually. My step daughter on the other hand was never disciplined consistently. When my husband finally spanked her for the first time in 10 years, she straightened up for about 2 weeks. Now its all gone to crap with her again, but it is because her parents do not consistently correct her. I do not think you should feel guilty as long as you are not abusing your child.

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Holly - posted on 12/11/2012

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i believe that spankings are not bad if they are controlled and not used when you are in the heat of the moment, and NEVER to do physical harm... 3 pops on the bum aren't going to emotionally or physically harm him... I have spanked my children a few times and they are fine from it...

America3437 - posted on 12/11/2012

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I suggest that before he gets that toy back he has to tell you why he got it taken away to begin with. Don't give up,there is light at the end of the tunnel! I have three teens and would give anything to deal with a 5 yr old. My husband said it perfect.....Terriable Two's..what so terriable about two's it's the terriable teen's you need to fear. Gaining control now only benefits you both in the futuer. Some times these women can be judgemental or harsh but they mean well,I say keep on doing what your doing and it will all work out. Good luck!

Heather - posted on 12/11/2012

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He is not allowed to watch childrens tv, or the programmes he likes.



I do not feel that i feed his negative behaviour by punishing him. He gets rewarded with lots of praise and at the moment when he has had a good day or like yesterday vaccumed his bedroom without me asking him too he was allowed to choose a conviscated toy to play with and keep.



I have tried talking to him about his behaviour, where he has learnt his rudeness from or where he hears things like" I will punch u in the face" and all i get is "I dont know"



I try not to swear in front of my son (i rarely do anyway due to the type of job i do) he doesnt watch violent things and doesnt have a playstation or computer. He attends Boys Brigades on a Friday but appart from school he is never away from me.



I have asked about school and how its going and he tells me its boring. He struggles to make friends because he wants to be a leader and wants everyone else to do what he wants them to do then is vile when he doesnt get his own way.



My boy cannot be hungry. He eats EVERYTHING I give him for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The treats that are in the cupboard are for his lunch box at school and maybe something nice after dinner IF he has eaten all of what I have given him. The meal sizes are NOT small either, they are about half an adult sized plate which is MORE than enough for a 5 year old.



He is like his father, thin and tall but will eat and eat and eat, not putting on anyy weight as he is constantly on the move.



His behaviour yesterday and this morning is greatly improved BUT i know at the moment he is only being good because he WANTS his toys back. Not because he understands the reason behind why they where taken away.



I am not a violent person and am deeply upset by the way I reactred with smacking him. This is something that he is not used to and i think he was also very shocked by the way I reacted. I admit that it was out of anger and I do regret it. Its the not listening that gets to me, he can hear me - I even got his ears tested, its like he is SOOOOO used to hearing my voice that he just sounds me out..... maybe a different noise like a bell or horn (instead of me calling his name all the time) will get his attention?



I live alone with my son so do not have any support from anyone. My parents and family help with advise but dont live near enought to help me - and I dont want to rely on them... hes my child and I should be able to dicipline him by myself.



Thank you for your advice everyone - it is appreciated :)

America3437 - posted on 12/10/2012

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You should not feel guility. You have tried many things to get his behavior in check and if spanking will work then by all means bust his bottom. I don't believe a spanking is gonna cause any type of pshycological damage in the future if done properly. You should never be mad when you spank so before you do put your feelings in check. After you spank you go back and explain why and that that behavior is unacceptable and spanking will be the result everytime that behavior is displayed. Time outs can be helpful if done correctly. I like Joe Frosts method. Look it up it is worth a try. You are mom and you are in control and it better he learn that now rather then through a glass at jail visitation. Good luck and stand your ground I promise you will win he is 5!

Mary - posted on 12/10/2012

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Just last night I had to sit down and cry for my 18 month old girl smacked me on the face. I lost it, I gave her a couple of smacks, sat her on a couch and put her in time out (yelling was included too). I felt so, so bad, but you know what, I prefer to cut the behavior now and not to deal with a criminal later. My child has no bruises, it breaks my heart to hear her cry becasue she's in time out, but she also needs boundaries. I grew up in a country where phycological damage does not exist when a parent is trying to discipline. If I let it go, what can I expect when she's a teenager? she'll kill me!!

I understand as a mom you feel terrible, but there's nothing worse than a child with no future because he/she got out of control and nothing was done in time.

I never thought I would get physical with my child, but I am the adult, I am respinsible for her, so I have to do everything in my power so she turns out just fine, and so do you

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