Is there any Step Moms out there??

Blanchie - posted on 08/15/2009 ( 361 moms have responded )

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I have 2 stepsons and 1 step daughter... I have tried everything under the sun to get along with them.. Any Advice..

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Emily - posted on 09/17/2009

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haha woops, I just realized that I was supposed to post a response to you needing advice: My advice is this. Dont try too hard, kids resent that. And seek God. Scripture says that if you seek Him with all your heart everything will be added unto you.

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I'm blessed because my stepson's mother and I get along quite well. There is an open line of communication between all the adults. I will say though, that being a step-mom is always going to be a work in progress. I came into my step-sons life when he was 2 and he is now 11. We have custody but, there is always a "de-programming" mode for about 3 months when he comes back from summer vacation. The only thing I can offer you is to establish your role and keep trying to communicate. But, don't be overbearing. Some kids look at that as if you are trying to "replace" their mom. You always want to come across as the "addition" never the "substitute." And if you are blessed enough to have a civilized ex-wife that you can talk to then please by all means talk to her freely on the phone, in person and I can tell you from first hand experience that makes a huge difference.

Lucy - posted on 08/31/2009

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I would agree with that where older children are concerned, but with younger children they tend to feel singled out and ashamed particularly if you and your husband go on to have more children together. My "step" daughter was three when she decided that she hated hearing people ask which one was mine and which one was his. We decided together that I would be her "other" mommy. At that time she still called me by my name and now 12yrs later she just calls me mom. It is important especially with older children to always ask them what they are comfortable with. Teenagers can be very touchy about their private lives being aired in public and asking them how they would like you to respond to other peoples questions is a good way to establish trust.

Lori Nikki - posted on 08/24/2009

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I came on this board because I was hoping to find some helpful advice on how to deal with my boyfriends son. I am very cautious not to overstep my bounds with him or disrespect his mother. I may not agree with how she raised him or the example she set for him but she is his mother and deserves respect for that in and of itself. I must say I am pretty taken aback by many comments made toward the biological mom's. My ex-husband had an affair while I was pregnant and is now married to her. My daughter has always known her step-mother and I do not make negative comments or discuss the circumstances of the divorce with my daughter who is now 9, although i am honest with her when she asks (no I don't go into details) I honestly thought it wouldn't be so bad on her since she never really knew her father and I together but I am constantly suprised how hard it is on her to this day. Actions will eventually reveal your true feelings on things - I even read on here where one step mom was excited her stepchild didn't want to go home. How horrible, I truly pray that was not expressed to the child. These children feel so torn. Even if everyone gets along - they want their parents, BOTH of them. Have some empathy (no not spoiling or not discipling them). I always tell my daughter she's lucky to have so many people that love her, that we all want to spend every moment with her so we may not always agree and get along but that doesn't make it her fault and it's ok to want to see her dad and express it. Everyone's backstory and situation are different but if you don't respect these children AND their biological parents how do you expect the children to respect you? (And yes I am aware there are shitty biological mom's and dad's out there but there are also some shitty step ones too) I don't particularly care for my daughters step mom and I'm sure some of that is how it all went down but quite a bit of it is her disrespect for me and my wishes with my daughter. However I NEVER let that show to my daughter. She has shown her ass in front of my daughter several times but I just let it go. In the end my daughter will make her own decisions about what happened, that is not mine to influence. I don't have to let her spend as much time with her dad as I do but I am not going to impede her relationship with him. He is a good dad. The bottom line is he chose to leave, he chose to move 3 states away but it is me who gives gives gives. And ultimately it is our daughter is who has to pay the biggest price. All I can do is pray before each decision I make. Split families are not how God intended relationships to be so it is not going to ever be perfect. Repect and empathy is what these children deserve...



sorry...had to vent that.

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Sandra - posted on 09/17/2009

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I am a stepmum of a nearly 8 yr old, have known him since he was 3. We have our good and bad times and battle of wills. We are lucky in that we have good relationship with his mother. From the start Dad set the rules and boundaries, I enforced them if Dad wasnt there but if Dad is there he does it. His Dad has always told him off for not respecting me, being rude etc. I also try and get them to have private time together on a regular basis - this helps him realise he hasn't 'lost' his Dad. We also have our special things that we do together.

My approach is that I love and care for him as if he was my mine but I have to recogonise that his Dad and Mum have a greater role and responisibility in his life than I do. I am in a support role. Sometime that is very hard but it also means that he will confide in me things he might not tell his parents.

Our current issues are mainly due to him thinking he has more 'rules and responsibilites' than his half sister but this is due to age only (she is only 2) but he cant quite see that yet.

My advise is be yourself, be aware of their emotrional issues but do not accept poor treatment from them as being OK. This is important for you but also an important lesson for them to see they have a right and a responibility to be treated and to treat people with respect for their own success in the world in the long term.

All the best

Charlie - posted on 09/17/2009

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Thank you for all the responses to this thread , we will be locking it now as there is a sufficient amount of replies .

Thank you for taking part on COM .

Tammy - posted on 09/17/2009

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Quoting Stephanie:

No, youre not wrong latoya, i feel the same way. I have a 5yr old, and my husband have an 18 month old, and also my 2 step kids. There mother, like i said is a nut, but she just got remarried last month, i thought that would mean, she would leave us alone and worry bout her new husband, i couldnt have been more wrong. she calls constantly EVERYDAY, she nevr has the kids anymore, we get them more than her now, and when she does have them, she sends them to her mom. but i agree, she is there mother, and needs to start acting like it. i do way more for them than her, but i need my time too.



i totaly agree with you stephanie i to have 2 step daughters 1 15 year old and 1 16 year old and i also have 4 other children of my own and it is verry hard to find time to your self or even to have some quallity time with my husband as the step kids are in your face 24/7 there mother is a bum who spends all her time and money at the pub and couldnt give a damm about her children im the one that buys them every thing that they need she couldnt even put shoes on the kids to go to school with and as far as manners go well she never taught them any and that makes it extreamly hard for me because they now live with me full time and dont see the mother and not only that my husband is a truck driver so hes away from home alot so its left up to me to bring some order into there life its hard at times but you just have to tell them you love them and explain that what you do and the rules you have are for there own good and baisicly treat them the same as your other children its a slow road but they will get use to it after a while they give up giving you a hard time.

Emma - posted on 09/17/2009

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i feel exactly like you,i feel as my husband resents it when i see his children and he is not there,i have there mother ringing for stupid things and turning up at the house most weeknds to give the kids something that they have forgot e.g a pair of pjs or a hair bobble,something that can wait,i do try with my step children just it sooooooooooooo hard,so if any1 has advice for me to pease.

Emily - posted on 09/17/2009

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haha woops, I just realized that I was supposed to post a response to you needing advice: My advice is this. Dont try too hard, kids resent that. And seek God. Scripture says that if you seek Him with all your heart everything will be added unto you.

Emily - posted on 09/17/2009

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Hello! Im new to circle of Moms and this is my first post. I am a step-mom at 25 years old. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years but have been together for almost 3. My step-son will be 6 in December. We havent been able to see him in over 2 months. He lives with his Grandma while his mom lives a very messy life. We almost have enough money saved up to pay the attorney to go to court. Im hoping we have custody before the end of the year.

Amy - posted on 09/17/2009

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my stepson is 14, i've been married to his father for 10 years and we've been together 12.5 - since my SS was not even 2.

We got along much better when he was little, and before I had my own children (daughter 8 and son 6). SS just started high school and while we do run hot and cold with each other, i do my best to accept that part of his particle "issue" (although that is not really the correct word) is his fierce loyalty to his mother. If my DH comments on something great I did SS will immediately shoot something back about his mother. I don't say anything - really what is there for me to say? I accept I am not his mother and that he is his mothers biggest fan. We have joint custody, pay child support and SS goes to school here in our district. SS mother is about 8 minutes away in the next town. I would like to be closer to SS but the resists, so the best I can do is include him in our lives and DH and my family's lives so he feels he is a part of us.

Amy - posted on 09/17/2009

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my stepson is 14, i've been married to his father for 10 years and we've been together 12.5 - since my SS was not even 2.

We got along much better when he was little, and before I had my own children (daughter 8 and son 6). SS just started high school and while we do run hot and cold with each other, i do my best to accept that part of his particle "issue" (although that is not really the correct word) is his fierce loyalty to his mother. If my DH comments on something great I did SS will immediately shoot something back about his mother. I don't say anything - really what is there for me to say? I accept I am not his mother and that he is his mothers biggest fan. We have joint custody, pay child support and SS goes to school here in our district. SS mother is about 8 minutes away in the next town. I would like to be closer to SS but the resists, so the best I can do is include him in our lives and DH and my family's lives so he feels he is a part of us.

Amy - posted on 09/17/2009

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Yup - a stepmom to a 14-year old boy, have been married to his father 10 years and we've been together close 12-1/2

Emily - posted on 09/17/2009

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I just posted a little thing about myself. I didnt realize this was supposed to be a post to answer your question... Im new. Sorry! Here is the best advice I can give you: Children know when you are "trying" to get along with them. They tend to resent it. Just be yourself and quit trying. Continue walking in love but dont get frusterated if they dont accept you. I just got through watching Joyce Meyer last night and she says that frusteration comes when we rely on our own works rather than the grace of God. Praying and seeking God is the best thing you can do. Scripture says if you seek Him with all your heart all other things will be added unto you.

Emily - posted on 09/17/2009

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Hello! Im new to circle of Moms and this is my first post. I am a step-mom at 25 years old. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years but have been together for almost 3. My step-son will be 6 in December. We havent been able to see him in over 2 months. He lives with his Grandma while his mom lives a very messy life. We almost have enough money saved up to pay the attorney to go to court. Im hoping we have custody before the end of the year.

Sharon - posted on 09/17/2009

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I came into my step kids lives at 6 and 7 yrs. of age and their mom was a real gem! She would send the girl to us with her underwear which was red, pink and black lace. She told the kids that their dad didn't care for them because he never sends a child support check. When their dad confronted her about it becaue the kids needed clothes she came out with 5 checks that she hadn't even cashed yet! She would ask the kids at that age what she should pay the electric bill or the cable bill. Like I said she was a real gem back then and she still is even though the kids are now 26 and 27. The boy is 26 and the girl is 27. The girl is just as messed up as her mom. She is still married but has a baby by another guy and the 2 of them have lied to this guys mother saying that she is divorced and that this is her 1st child which is a complete and total lie!!! She has a son by her husband but gave up her parental rights before they were taken away from her. Now my husband he has nothing to do with either one of them. It's a real sad situation all the way around for those 2. I tried to help them in the beginning but I got tired of getting crapped on all the time by both of them so I just stayed out of the picture and told my husband he had to handle it because they were his children and they had no respect for me what so ever. Their mother made sure of that and she never let it go. So all I can say is good luck and keep your guard up because you will get it from all sides. Some conflict came from my husbands own mother! She was constantly underminding me infront of the kids all the time. No matter what it was she would undermind me with them. So like I said good luck cause you will get it from all sides.

Marilyn - posted on 09/17/2009

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My suggestion that works with my two step kids is we sit down and talk just us three, and I ask them how they feel about things, then I talk to them about how things they do make me feel. I express to them that all i want from them is to be treated the way that I treat them, which is really all you can expect.

LaTonya - posted on 09/17/2009

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Blanchie, it seems as though Dad should have stepped in long ago and communicated with the children. This change did not happen over night as the kids are all grown up by now. I dont think that it should have been left up to you alone to to the gift giving and why should a father have to be told to call his children on birthdays or any other day. I think that Dad was not concerned enough to take on the challenge with you. He needs to step up to the plate and help you out.

LaTonya - posted on 09/17/2009

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@ Lotoya....yes maam, you are wrong wrong wrong. When you married your husband his children became your children and all though you "inherited" them, they should be no diffenent than if you gave birth to them. You knew that U were young with a life ahead of you when you married this man and became ONE. There is no my kids, your kids when you are married. Everything becomes "OURS".

Melissa - posted on 09/17/2009

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My first piece of advice for you is this;do what you would for your own children(if you have or had any) treat them as if you are their mother.Believe it or not they will learn to respect you because as they get older they will realize you did what you did to make them a better person as an adult.Secondly,don't let them pull the wool over your eyes and get away with it.All kids need disipline and structure in their life and having 2 moms is hard for a child,if we can understand that we are well on our way to make them better children and even better adults.I have 2 stepsons and 2 daughters of my own and I treat them all the same.Sometimes they will be defiant,a lot actually,but stand your ground.The most important thing is that you and the childrens father are on the same page and he has to be beside you every step of the way in helping raise these children.If he is not ,you are in for trouble because they will play you against each other to get what they want.Hope this helps a bit.

Shannon - posted on 09/16/2009

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How old are they? What kind of relationship do they have with their own mother? How old were they when you married their father?

Mindy - posted on 09/16/2009

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I have a step-son and a step-daughter. I met my step-son when he was 4. He was angry and mean then, and still is due to the lack of parenting and respect instilled in him. He lived with us for about 6 months and was absolutely awful to me the whole time. Lying, yelling at me, verbally and physically abusing his little brothers... didn't matter what I did to try to love and nurture him. All I got was hatred. My step-daughter and I get along fabulously. She's like one of my own. But no matter what I tried with my step-son, I failed. Sometimes it's not up to you. The best you can do is treat them like one of your own, but respect the fact that you're not their mother, and they may never come around and adjust to another person in their life. Depends on their background, how the divorce went, and how they've been raised.

Georgette - posted on 09/16/2009

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My reply to you would be to stop tring to get along with them. Let them bond with you in there own time, you cannot force that relationship, they already have a mom, and they may be having harsh feelings because you are the "new woman" of the house when they visit there father or whatever the situation is...I know you want to be in there lives, but you need to just back off for a while. I hope this help.

Lorrie - posted on 09/16/2009

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I am a step mom to 2 boys now 25 and 22 and a mother to 1.

The boys were 10 and 8 when we got married. We dated for 2 years, so they were young. I am not sure how long you have been married but it gets better in time. You do have to remember you are there step mom and not mother and sometimes children do not want to allow anyone else in. As long as you do whats best for the children and consult with your husband to make sure you agree that is half the battle, the rest will work itself out. Good luck

Lorrie - posted on 09/16/2009

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I am a step mom to 2 boys now 25 and 22 and a mother to 1.

The boys were 10 and 8 when we got married. We dated for 2 years, so they were young. I am not sure how long you have been married but it gets better in time. You do have to remember you are there step mom and not mother and sometimes children do not want to allow anyone else in. As long as you do whats best for the children and consult with your husband to make sure you agree that is half the battle, the rest will work itself out. Good luck

Lorrie - posted on 09/16/2009

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I am a step mom to 2 boys now 25 and 22 and a mother to 1.

The boys were 10 and 8 when we got married. We dated for 2 years, so they were young. I am not sure how long you have been married but it gets better in time. You do have to remember you are there step mom and not mother and sometimes children do not want to allow anyone else in. As long as you do whats best for the children and consult with your husband to make sure you agree that is half the battle, the rest will work itself out. Good luck

Heidi - posted on 09/16/2009

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I am a new stepmom (we got married just a month ago!) of 3 boys, aged 3, 7, and 9. The 3 year old is more in love with me than he's ever been with his mom...from the time I met him (he was about 1) I always played with him, got down on his level and did what he wanted, whether it was fun for me or not. The 7 year old and I share a lot in common, kind of brainiacs, so I tried to bond with him that way. He loves to read, but no one was reading with him or helping him learn...so I'd take him to the library, or play 'school' with him. The oldest was the biggest and possibly only challenge, because it was the hardest adjustment for him. We had many talks with him before the wedding...I'm not TRYING to be his mom, or take her place, or make her unimportant to him. We asked that he respect me, even when he isn't in my home, and we try to take turns doing activities that focus on the different boys' different loves in life. We also make a point of each of us having alone time with each boy, so that I can bond with them - but also Dad gets some father/son time where they don't have to share. By the time we got married, even the oldest was excited and is now telling people I'm his 'stepmom', something he had said in the beginning he would never say. I never asked him to...and I never asked for his love, just his respect. Now...he calls us family. I think I've gotten both love And respect from all of them. It wasn't easy in the beginning, each child needed individual effort just for them, and to know they're special to me, and their dad, together AND separately. And remember...even if they were your biological kids...at some point, they'd yell at you. They'd get mad at you...they might even say they hate you. It's ok. Stay strong, they need you.

Kimberly - posted on 09/16/2009

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when u figure that one out let me know. i have tried everything to get along with my step daughter but it is almost impossible. alot of it is cuz she has the concept that her mom and dad are gonna get back together. also her mother hates me so that rubs off on her. just pray that is the only thing you can do

Rebecca - posted on 09/16/2009

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Actually, there really is nothing that you can do but wait until they are ready. I have a 11 year old step son who was a mommas boy and got away with everything and never got into trouble for what he did and we are maing progress it is still a struggle but things are working out for the better. My 14 year old step daughter has accepted me and has just begun to start talking with me on a one-to-one basis; it is great to know that she will trust me now; this has been over a 5 year period. it is not something to rush into it does take time, just let things flow and eventually they will look up to you also do not make any type of comments about their real mom that does not help at all; it just makes things worse.

Robin - posted on 09/16/2009

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I am a step mom, just to let you know I have joined a group specifically for step moms, you should check it out, its great and VERY supportive

Nikki - posted on 09/16/2009

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All I know is I had a step mom who was awful to my brother and I because she seemed to hate the fact that my dad had kids with another woman (yes he had a life before her). We were young and we had to put up with someone treating us like crap for no reason. We couldnt understand why she had so much jealousy and hatred for us. Please moms....kids are KIDS....deal with your own insecurities yourself. Dont take it out on the littles ones. They didnt ask to be in the situations they are in. This is not directed at you Blanchie, your kids are adults now, but for the rests of the step moms with young kids. Good luck!

Erin - posted on 09/14/2009

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If you can not handel the "mess" that is made or the actions they take when they are around plan your get togethers at a restaurant or other public places.

Gay - posted on 09/14/2009

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yup, have been since i was 28 years old and love them to pieces....and i am now 72

Lori - posted on 09/13/2009

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Blanchie, I am a step mom to 3 kids as well. I have been for over 4 years. The first 2 years was terrible. But as each kid goes through the teenage years it's not fun. I have a 20, 15 and 10 years old step kids. I have to say they are good kids, moments like everyone else. I also 2 kids of my own, but my 1st husband passed away almost 6 years ago. All situations are different and how to handle. What works for 1 person/family won't for the next. There has been many issues with the step kids with me as issues with my husband now with my 2 kids. Butting heads, yes. But my daughter does call my husband dad. She is now 22 and my son is 18. They were 16 and 12 when their dad died suddenly. I remarried 1 1/2 year later. It was tough at times but getting much much better. With my husbands kids, they live their mom and we get the kids every other weekend. About 45 mins away. (1 1/2 hours round trip) I still have issues with the oldest (a girl) as she says she still remember when her dad left, but we do get along. As far as the other 2, the youngest a boy 10yrs he seems to be ok with me. The middle (a girl)is going through her 15 yr old faze which isnt always fun. I always try everything I know to be nice, fun, think of them, do things with/for them. But they give the thanks to their dad instead. Also teaching manners and table manners and not be left out is hard for me. I have to say like other step moms, hang in there. You will have hard times but good times too. As they get older things will get better. Good luck :)

Traci - posted on 09/12/2009

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I am in the exact same boat. I have 2 step sons 14 and 15 and a step daughter 11. Their mom has mental disorder and fills their head with lies about me. The boys no longer come over because of what she has said. Just keep trying in showing that you are interested in their life and love them.

Tammy - posted on 09/11/2009

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Step-parents are tricky and I don't think there is an easy way to deal with the situation. I even had a counselor come into our home twice a week for 4 months to help blend our family, to no avail. I have 3 of my own (2 boys and a girl in the middle -- 18/16/14). The boys have accepted my husband and they get along wonderfully (we've been married almost 3 years), but my daughter "wants him to die" and has moved in with her dad and we have no contact. That alone nearly killed me. I have been told I will have no contact with her until my husband dies or we divorce (ex's words); however, please allow me to tell you a story for perspective's sake. I have 2 step-children, a boy who is 23 and a step-daughter who was 26 at the time of her death. She left behind a 7-yr-old son at the time who now lives with his dad. My step-daughter was murdered in a very violent way. We all tried to help her, but her choices weren't the best, but she had a wonderful heart and trusted people too easily. Even though we all go through tough times with our step-children, I think cherishing them is the best advice I can give. We received the call on January 6th this year that she was murdered just before daylight on January 5th (she lived in a different town). Between losing my daughter due to her dislike of her step-dad and losing my step-daughter due to death....the sadness can't even begin to be described....I think if we look at the big picture and realize one of them can be taken from us in the blink of an eye puts a new perspective on the children themselves and life in general. God Bless you --- I know what it's like not having the children accept a new parent figure. I hope things will smooth out for you in time. Life is so short....

Sandy - posted on 09/11/2009

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Oh my , Good luck! My stepdaughter was 5 when we got married, I had no children. I tried making cookies with her, that was what we did together. It seemed like she never wanted to get real close. I tried, maybe not hard enough. We learn from our mistakes.

Shirley - posted on 09/11/2009

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Hello Blanchie: Yes, I am a stepmom, and I don't have any solutions for you. Two stepsons and I get along very well---no problem at all. But, the other two are impossible . . . they're the younger ones and I believe their biological mother has a lot to do with that. I can't change it, so I just do what I can. Good luck!

Sandra - posted on 09/11/2009

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Remember to be positive when speaking of there Mom and respectful. They need to know you are comfortable with eachother and the feelings they have with you will grow as time goes on. My stepson was 9 when we got together and he just needed time to see I was an asset not a deficit in his life.

[deleted account]

It is up to your ptr to make a stand I think. You are well within your rights to have your own rules in your own house. If he is happy with them not calling, then so be it, but it is up to him to try to change the relationships. He shouldn't be leaving you to sort it out as they are his children.

Rochelle - posted on 09/11/2009

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Hi, my son has to go too his dad's in the summer the whole summer, that means he is 3,000 miles away from me.. I love him to see his dad, but since they have now had two kids, of there own, my son gets treated like the "red headed step child" if you have ever heard that. I cry and feel so bad for him because she treats him bad, and if he tells me, and I say something to his dad then my son is the one to get into trouble.It's not his fault we got divorced. The step mom says I treat him like he's my own that is such a lie, I have heard things,and I can't say anything or he's in trouble. I was a step child I know how it feels and it is'nt fun or great at all is sucks to tell you the truth..

Patricia - posted on 09/11/2009

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proud to say i'm the stepmom to two girls and at first it was hard for me to show affection and discipline, but they both come hand in hand. I always let them know at a young age that they were like my own children and I would try to teach them new things and I would respect them and they needed to respect me in return. now at 19 and 20 yrs old they are growing young women and I know they love me as much as I love them.

I think the key for me was I have a very supportive husband and he would pretty much let me handle the situation.

Genie - posted on 09/11/2009

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Good luck with that! Step parenting is a tough spot to be put into. You're not really the parent, but everyone is put together under one roof and has to co-exist. When things get tough, I try to remember that their Dad is the real parent, and defer to him to do the heavy handed disciplining. I do nag about cleaning up their bedrooms, doing their chores around the house, etc. just as I did with my own now grown son, but I also try to keep a sense of humor and use it with my two step kids. Spending some one on one time with them has helped us all to get to know one another. Just a short trip to the craft store to let my daughter pick out a cute craft kit to make, or a run to the frozen yougurt shop with one of them always allows time to get out of the home environment and have some down time. If it gets really challenging, I just go to my bedroom, shut the door, and take a breather. It IS OK to have expectations from them, and keep in mind, it's not going to be a popularity contest that you'll win. Just do your best, use respect, but let their Dad do the tough stuff.

Carey - posted on 09/11/2009

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Take a deep breath. The most important thing when dealing with stepchildren is patience. Show interest in what they think, and like. Be there for them even when they don't necessarily want you to. Even if it is just in the background. They will learn to count on you being there for them. The key is consistancy. They will adjust. It may take some time, but they will learn to accept you as a part of their life. Remember it is just as hard for them as it is for you.

Charlene - posted on 09/11/2009

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{'m having the same prob with my stepson, only way we get along is if i just stay out of his way and dont expect him to do anything. any tips for this would be helpful

Mandy - posted on 09/11/2009

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I wish I knew something that would help. I personally am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Deep down I know that they will cost my husband and I our marriage. They have started playing the situation and while my husband says he realizes it he says he doesn't feel there's anything he can do about it. It's been 2 years now and I want to give up.

Laura - posted on 09/09/2009

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I agree. There comes a time in your life that you have to stop letting your children run it. Are they going to be there when you are sitting alone at night? I believe that children of a teen age year or older need to let the parent live, love and be loved.

Laura - posted on 09/09/2009

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Arizona has a web site that might answer and enlighten you on information about being a step parent. I have referred to it several times in my relationship now. I am to a step parent in ways. familysupportcenter.maricopa.gov on the right side of the page it list to choose from. I hope this helps..

Linda - posted on 09/09/2009

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If they are adults it is time for Dad to Say this is my Wife and your step mom and you will treat her with respect and that he loves you and will not tolerate there attitudes they are adults now. sounds like dad needs to step in would they like to be treated this way?

Deb - posted on 09/09/2009

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You will always be sort of an outsider, in my opinion. Just be a parent figure to them and they will respect that, at some point in their lives. It will always be harder because you won't want to step on their toes for fear of their biological mother. Just love them, let them know they're loved and be consistent and patient and be interested in them, as people. I hope this helps.

Raylynn - posted on 09/09/2009

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I also have two step sons and one step daughter. The boys ages 13 & 7 have the same mother, the girl 12 another. The boys go back n forth between ours and moms house on Fris. until the following friday then back. I HATE THE ARRANGEMENT. But the parents think that it is great because no one is paying $$ and the kids get to spend time with both families. That part is great but, I believe the children are not getting the benefit of structure and discipline at their mothers house that they really need, especially the older boy who is "coming into his nuts" as I like to put it. There are things that he does at his mothers and is ok there that he wouldn't even consider trying here. The little guy is starting into some patterns also.The girl lives with her mom or gramma. We don't get much say in that, the girl didn't know he was her father until she was 10+, he was "uncle" until then. I also have a son, 11, from another relationship that is with us full time as well as OUR daughter who is 1. I've known these kids (all of them) since they were born and have been married to the dad for 3+ yrs together for a couple prior. They know me and love me The same for me to them Bio or step they are allllll "my" kids. I try to know the difference between "growing pains" and butt whippin time and it is hard! Go with your instinct, you're a mom, you can do it. Remember, everyone makes mistake, but only a few will admit it to their kids!!! XOXOXO

Laurie - posted on 09/08/2009

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I have a step daughter who is 30 and have been in her life since she was 2. I had just turned 18 when her father and I started dating. He is 6 years older than me. Her and I are very close ...so close in fact that she has picked up alot of my mannerisms. My husband is always saying " I swear she is your daughter she is so much like you" I always made sure I listen to what she wanted, treated her with love and respect. I involved her in our wedding she was our flower girl. She did not not live with us growing up not until she was almost 18. Her mother was like so many other ex-wives. She was always saying bad stuff about me to her. There were rough times but I always told her I love her and that she can come to me for anything. I also told her if she wanted to believe the things her mother said about me that was up to her. Eventually she realized that I was nothing like her mother said. My husband and I have two sons together. I always made sure that her and I had our own special time together away from her father and brothers. We did things like play games,baked, crafts,shopping etc. I always treated like she was one of my children. She now doesn't have much to do with her mother ( she too is a nut case). She has given me two beautiful grandchildren whom I just adore. My granddaughter and I are extremely close. Her and her brother have no contact with their "real" grandmother. My daughter didn't start calling me mom until after she moved in with us. I have always made her feel loved and let her know I was not trying to take her mother's place. That is my advice to you ..talk with your stepchildren,listen to them, treat them with respect and they in turn will treat you as same, let them know you will always be there for them ,do special things with them,( if they like baseball go to a game with them),set aside alone time with each one even if it is going out for coffee since now they are grown. Let them see that you can take whatever they have to throw at you. Invite them over then have their father invite them too what I mean by this is call them and invite them over for dinner then get their father on the phone and get him to invite them too. Both you and your husband should express how much you would love to have them over. just keep asking. Make sure you keep the lines of COMMUNICATION open. Love them unconditionally. Make sure you keep their father involved in their lives.

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