Is there any Step Moms out there??

Blanchie - posted on 08/15/2009 ( 361 moms have responded )

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I have 2 stepsons and 1 step daughter... I have tried everything under the sun to get along with them.. Any Advice..

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Yvette - posted on 08/28/2009

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I am with a man who has 3 children to two women. His Xwife - girl nearly 15 and boy 11, and his Xpartner - boy 3. It is hard with all 3, even though you would think the youngest would be reasonably easy. My partner had all 3 permantly when I moved in, so with my 2 from a previous marriage, we were 5.



I have had nothing but issues with his kids, although I love them all like my own. His two oldest came to him under horrible circumstances, and both manipulated what they wanted out of their dad, and when he started to see this and discipline them for their bad behaviour they ran back to the bad situation. The oldest even went so far to tell her father that this is what she planned, to too and from between parents when things dont go her way. The problem is the mother is a nasty peice of work and is allowing this, even when their father is trying to stop it.



The 3 year old is different again, because his mum doesn't want anything to do with him. However the poor little guy knows her, and asks for her daily. He doesn't seem to understand that she is not coming back. He doesn't like me disciplining him, however he isn't liking even his dad disciplining him right now. I find him the hardest to deal with at the moment. His mum made him lazy, and he has a gutter mouth. I know it is bad to feel this way about a 3 year old, but I find that some days, I just dont have the patience or time to deal with his demands. This is what I fear with break my relationship down with their father.



My two are 6 and 2, and my 2 year old is quite a sickly kid. My 6 year old rebells against my partner, but both my kids call him daddy, and love him like their own dad. They dont see their dad often as he is on the other side of Australia to us. My oldest loves his dad, and talks to him often, but my daughter was only 3 months old when I ran away due to DV.



I love my partner very much, and am trying very hard to make it work. I know though that it is going to be hard, especially when I can see what the older two are doing to their dad.

Kimberly - posted on 08/28/2009

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I don't have much to say about this. I don't think my step son likes me but he tells someone else I am pretty cool. I know I can't replace his mom in his life and I don't intend to. What I can do is be there for him if and when he needs me. And I can pray for him. He is now almost 18 so my situation may be different than yours. My husband and I had the understanding that I was not his mom and if there needed to be any punishment given, it needed to come from the parents. I did expect him to respect me and I respected him. I know my cooking isn't like mom's and I don't even try. We usually eat out when he comes to visit so I don't have to deal with the disappointment. When he was younger it was tough because he came every other weekend but we made it happen. Now that he is older, it is so much easier. Good luck!

Jenn - posted on 08/28/2009

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I am a little late in this conversation but..... I have a 6 year old step son and my problem isn't the child it is his mother..... I have been in his life since just before his 3rd b-day and he has adored me form day one.... about a year and a half ago my husband took her to court for custody.... this became a wake up call to her and she finally became a "mother".... at that time she quickly brainwashed him to dislike and disrespect me... I have three other children of my own two girls 9 and 14 and a boy 13 and my husband and I just married in May..... the battle to get her to acknowledge us as a family and pass those feeling and thoughts onto their son has been extremely emotionally draining for everyone in my house..... We eventually got counseling for my step son and my husband and i and his ex and her boyfriend all go to the counselor together and she still won't accept us as a family.... so if anybody has advice on how to deal with parent of the step child I am all ears..... Blanche don't give up.... they will come around....... time patience and understanding......

Kelli - posted on 08/28/2009

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I have 2 step sons and a step son of my husband from his previous marriage. I also have a bio son of my own that is 1 month older than my one step son. It gets really tricky disiplining them sometimes but you really need to have your own rules and let them know that it is your house and they have to listen to your rules. Ex. Eric my husbands step son doesnt eat veggies and his mom doesnt make him but in my house your them or you dont leave the table. He fought me at first but eats beans and corn now. I am working on some more. Another big thing is you really need a relationship with your husbands ex. You are helping raise her children she needs to trust you with her kids and eventually the kids will accept you. I have great relationship with my hubbys ex. SOme think its weird but when you share kids you really need to communicate. Take it one day at a time but just remember not to let them walk all over you because you want them to like you. They will like you for the rules sooner or later. Hope things go better soon.

Andrea - posted on 08/28/2009

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I believe that if u get into a relationship with a partner that already has children, you should be prepared to love them as your own and treat them the same way/ same rules, THEY ARE CHILDREN and it is hard enough for them to go through life as it is without having adults making it any harder, You should be prepaired for them to live with you at some point, why shouldn't they, it is the childs parent and a parents responsability, to raise them, if you have your own children already you should know how important a job that is , It's hard sometimes VERY hard but if you chose to live with a partner that has children it also becomes your responsability.

[deleted account]

Wow! What alot of good advice and I'm not sure if I can add anything much for you Blanchie. It's hard if they are already adults. I cant give you any magic formula- I have been in my stepkids' life since they were very small, have always loved them and done the same things for them and now as almost-teens one wants to be with mom and one wants to be with us. They have very different attitudes to the situation (they are the same gender so it's not that). The older wants to be with mom and is also being very difficult here; but I believe that's more about normal teen hormones and behaviour than reacting to the family situation. I guess us step moms need to keep in mind that these things are often not about us, they're just about kids growing up.



But for some of the other posters I have to say this- Tracey I'm so sorry for what your stepmother put you through, it's just cruel. But there are ALOT of us stepmothers out here just BUSTING ourselves to make things right that we didnt even put wrong. I cant tell my story for legal reasons but like many others I have been to hell and back for many years with my hubby's kids' mother. So I'm sorry that you're sick of bio moms being put down; but sadly us step moms need our forums too, for advice and to unload. It's not always easy to be in a role where you are often told by the authorities and many others that you have no rights, but these people still expect you to be the emotional and financial support for these poor precious angels that are stuck in the middle. If you dont like it, maybe you shouldn't read them? This may not apply to YOUR mom but the facts are that there are bio moms out there who are dangerous and just should not be around their children. Just because a person gave birth, it does not mean they are well equipped to be a good parent. Remember, some kids are not conceived for the right reasons.



One final thought, I always think it's interesting that if stepmoms are unloading it's called bitching and only other stepmoms sympathise; but if bio moms are unloading that's acceptable and they get buckets of sympathy.

Leigh Anne - posted on 08/28/2009

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keep trying. it takes a long time. just be there for them every day. you do not know what their real mother is telling them. i have a step daughter and step son. they were 16 and 18 when we married. that has been 18 years ago. it is still hard.

Sophi - posted on 08/28/2009

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It really depends on the situation, and the the age of the kids. I became a step mom to a 12 yr old boy who really had alot of issues that the father was struggling with. My step son is now 17 and has alot of respect for others. It takes some time and patience to have a good relationship with stpechildren because you are not their real parent. When me and my fiance (at the time)_ moved in together we sat down the kids (Mine 12 too) and went over the rules and expectations for the kids. We showed no favorites and let them have a voice because if you listen to the kids they will respond better to you and what you are wanting for them. My stepson use to fight me on everything. I would just sit him down and talk to him calmly and let him know that i cared/loved him and that the decisions i make for him now will better him as an Adult. Now that his is becoming an adult we do have some battles about who is really boss. But the only thing i can tell you is to stand your ground. He will cave in. It is tough but now my stepson loves me and considers me his real mother. Communication is the key. Especially when the kids are teens when you come along.

STEPHANIE - posted on 08/28/2009

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I WAS A STEPMOM FOR 13 YEARS . ITS NOT AN EASY JOB BETWEEN THE EXWIFE TELLING YOU HOW SHE DOES AND HANDLES THINGS AND THE KIDS TELLING YOU!! I FINALLY HAD ENOUGH THE DAY THE X WALKS IN MY HOME TELLING HOW TO RUN MY HOME!! WHEN YOU REACH THAT POINT THATS WHEN YOU DIRECT YOUR EXPECTIONS OF THE CHILDREN AND GO WITH THE FLO. DONT TRY TO BE OVER BEARING JUST REASSURE THEM THAT YOU ARE NOT TRYING TO TAKE THE PLACE OF THIER MOM BUT YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHY ITS SO HARD FOR THEM NOT TO LIKE YOU. THE FIRST RULE I LEARNED IS TO HAVE TIME OUTS. WHICH CONSIST OF THE FAMILY SITTING AT THE DINNER TABLE AND EVERYONE TELLS EACHOTHER HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT ANYTHING. NO ONE CAN YELL GET UPSET WALK AWAY FROM THE DISCUSSION. EVERYONE NEEDS TO LISTEN FOR KEY WORDS ESPECIALLY YOU AND DAD. JUST STAY CALM EVEN IF THIER MOYTHER HAS SAYS SOMETHING TO THEM AND IT COMES OUT JUST SMILE AND LISTEN THEN COME TO A AGREEMENT OR TRY TO HELP THEM UNDERSTAND YOU AND YOU UNDERSTAND THEM. ALWAYS BE PATINCE. EVEN YOU WANT TO RUN. THATS THE BEST ADVICE I CAN GIVE IT WORKS STILL FOR ME AND I AM REMARRIED NOW. MY STEPSONWHO IS TURNING 19 THIS YEAR CALLS ME MOM TODAY. GOOD LUCK!!!!

Teresa - posted on 08/28/2009

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Well let me tell ya, It won't always be sunshine and roses...I too have 2 stepsons ages 16 and 12...I have been with their dad for 8 years so they were 8 and 4 when we met...I get along really well with the older one, but the younger one and I seem to butt heads frequently...And its not verbal its his attitude...The older one went thru the same stage and I hope this one passes as quickly as the other did...For the most part we get along...The key thing is to not try to take the place of their biological parent...Let them know that you are just another person in their life that loves them, but also let them know that when they are with you, your rules ARE your rules...Regardles of weather or not they like you they must abide by them......Hope this helps....

Ginny - posted on 08/28/2009

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Listen to them. Ask them questions about how they are doing and how they feel. remember them in kind and unexpected ways. E.g., "I was thinking about you and I picked up your favorite cereal."

I have been both a step child and a step mom. I think my role as a step mom is to be a good friend. Let dad do the disciplining. When you absolutely must step in, say "You dad wants you to ....." or "I'll ask your dad." You serve best as a loving friend. Filter all bad news through dad. Let him be the bad news bear, and don't let dad shirk all unpleasant duties onto to you. Let them know they are important to you. Love, Love, Love

Chrystal - posted on 08/28/2009

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I have said for years that being a step-mom is harder than being a mom! I have two step daughters 12 and 13. I do not give special treatment, The rules are the same for all the kids. We have five total. I thought back to how I treated my step-mom as a child and wanted to change that.And one day your step-children could be going through the same things themselves. I love my husband very much and try to focus on our home and our rules only. Because we all raise kids different ways! Communication,backing your spouse or your spouse backing you is vital. I don't feel like I'm here to be their friend I'm an adult who has to teach these kids right from wrong. We all grow up one day and have things we wished we hadn't said,hadn't done, would have done different. Just pray for the lord to keep you strong and give you guidance. It's an everyday struggle that some peoploe arent strong enough to endure. How bad do you want it? What does not kill me makes me stronger!

Susan - posted on 08/28/2009

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I have 2 step-children. Before I married their father (18 years ago), I let the daughter (at that time she was 5 years old) know that I was NOT her Mother, I would NEVER take the place of her Mother and that I wasn't TRYING to take the place of her Mother. I also let her know that she only had 1 Mother and I was her Dad's wife and hopefully someone that she could come to for anything and I wouldn't judge her. The son (only 2 at the time) was a different story - I couldn't communicate with him like I did the daughter. Throughout the years, I always communicated with them on what my "role" was to them and ALWAYS reassured them I would NEVER take the place of their Mother. When the step-children live with you, it puts a strain on the marriage. As the kids get older, they become more "sneaky". They knew how to manipulate their Father into "guilt". You and your husband need to become united as one and reassure the children that you BOTH are there for them. Communication, patience, reassurance (that you won't take their Mother's place), and lots and lots of LOVE. Now that my step-daughter is grown and married, one of the things I found out was even though I put my best foot forward, did everything I could do to reassure her and make her feel loved, is that if the CHILD isn't ready to be a part of the "new" family, you will butt heads and there will be lots and lots of conflict. You definitely need to be patient and continue to shower them with love (even if they reject it) because your reward is so much better when they grow up and finally realize what you were trying to do all those years.

Susan - posted on 08/28/2009

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I have 2 step-children. Before I married their father (18 years ago), I let the daughter (at that time she was 5 years old) know that I was NOT her Mother, I would NEVER take the place of her Mother and that I wasn't TRYING to take the place of her Mother. I also let her know that she only had 1 Mother and I was her Dad's wife and hopefully someone that she could come to for anything and I wouldn't judge her. The son (only 2 at the time) was a different story - I couldn't communicate with him like I did the daughter. Throughout the years, I always communicated with them on what my "role" was to them and ALWAYS reassured them I would NEVER take the place of their Mother. When the step-children live with you, it puts a strain on the marriage. As the kids get older, they become more "sneaky". They knew how to manipulate their Father into "guilt". You and your husband need to become united as one and reassure the children that you BOTH are there for them. Communication, patience, reassurance (that you won't take their Mother's place), and lots and lots of LOVE. Now that my step-daughter is grown and married, one of the things I found out was even though I put my best foot forward, did everything I could do to reassure her and make her feel loved, is that if the CHILD isn't ready to be a part of the "new" family, you will butt heads and there will be lots and lots of conflict. You definitely need to be patient and continue to shower them with love (even if they reject it) because your reward is so much better when they grow up and finally realize what you were trying to do all those years.

Heather - posted on 08/28/2009

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It would be nice in a perfect world if all discipline could be done only by a stepchild's natural parents, but it isn't reality. If my stepdaughter repeatedly takes one of her sister's toys away from her and refuses to give it back (or breaks it on purpose, which has happened a few times), should I do nothing if daddy isn't home?? What if she throws a massive temper tantrum in public?? Or slaps her friend across the face? Should there be no consequence for that until her dad gets home from work 5 hours later??



Don't assume that all discipline/consequence is physical.

Nancy - posted on 08/28/2009

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Blanchie - Wow I think that is horrible coming from grown adults. Just because they don't like your rules. I have 3 sons - my husband is the step dad. He has been involved in their lives since the ages of 1,3 & 5. My ex had a 50 - 50 custody & placement. Once the boys hit the teen years, two are still there, the oldest is 20, first they hated their dad and now Jim, the step dad is the bad guy. I keep hoping that they will out grow it. SIGH I love my boys but I love my husband as well and it really puts me in an awkard position to see them all so strained to eachother. I have tried talking to the boys and they act like they are listening and going to change but nothing changes.

Idania - posted on 08/28/2009

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i am a step mom of a 13 (girl) & 5(boy) yrs old. i have been with their dad for 4years now. it has been tough getting along not only with the kids but man with their moms (two different mothers) it took a couple of years for them to accept im in their kids lives now and will be for a very long time. I was a single mother for 4yrs and now my husband a i have a 2yr. His boy used to spend A LOT, ALOT of time with us becuase of his mom's job crazy hours, school, dating and traveling (she still single). so my husband and i couldn't spent too much time to ourselves and relax (i could always count on my mother or family members to babysit my two girls for us) but for the boy we couldn't leave him anywhere (it was all about the boy) so it was like days & night of the week and most weekends all as a family. Now the boy goes to school his mom change her hours and tries to spend more time with him ,after her & i had a long talk about the situation, she change a bit and understood that it wasn't all mine & daddy reponsability to care for the boy 24/7...as for the 12yr girl's mother remarried and moved 30minute drive from us she doesn't come as often enymore. So things are getting better. They do listen to me now and follow my rules in my house. It took time and a lot of me to get to where we are now. my husband and i for a while used to argue alot he thought i didn't want his kids around but because of their mother would say to him or other people, but all i wanted was for us to have our time alone once in a while. We do now as kids get older and the adults get along better. So do everything you can and be patient things will turn around in a good way. good luck :)

Diane - posted on 08/28/2009

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Had 1 step-son, 2 sons and several foster sons. The biggest thing to remember is that they already HAVE a Mom - and it's not you. Be their friend. Find out what they really like to do. Be the one available to take them to see Santa or, as I did, chase the fire engines (which was tought in San Francisco). All discipline should be done by a parent - NOT A STEP-PARENT. I'm 58 and my Step-son calls me Mom and his Dad by his first name. My Step-son was my first and he taught me how to be a better Mom for his brothers.

Teresa - posted on 08/28/2009

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There's only communication. The kids will play you back and forth between the parents. The rules must remain clear and consistent. With my situation, it was very easy because my step daughter was only two when I married her father. She does not have a memory without me in it. She's now 18 and we are great friends. However, her mom tried to be the wicked one in the beginning. So right from the start I told her mom that I thought she was an amazing mother (even though I didn't think so). I told her she was doing a great job with my step daughter and that I admired her for being a strong person and single mother. That just really set the tone for our relationship. I wouldn't say we are friends, but at least we have been able to get along and always put my step daughter's needs first which allowed us to be a part of her life and accomplishments without the stress and tension.

Heather - posted on 08/28/2009

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Blanche ... no offense to your husband, but it sounds as if he was extremely uninvolved here. At what point did they stop coming around? That much was unclear to me from your postings. I'm assuming that it was when they were in their teens?? Maybe they were angry that everything from gifts to rules seemed to come from you and not their dad? It may have seemed to them that either you just sort of swept in and took over, or that their dad voluntarily relinquished all control to you. Neither scenario would be appealing to a teenager. Perhaps the problem is that he was so uninvolved in the rule-making process. The fact that he just stepped back and "let you guys work it out", even when it ultimately cost him his relationship with them just seems strange to me ... as does the fact that he needed to be reminded to call them on birthdays and holidays. Unless he has memory issues that would justify your having to prompt him to do these things, I don't understand that at all. Sounds like there may have been serious issues at play before you ever came into the picture, if that is the case. Not trying to badmouth, just to get a handle on the situation.



I have one stepdaughter, age 8.5 years old. I have been with my boyfriend (her dad) for six years, and we have a 5 year old daughter together. I love my stepdaughter very much, and I know she loves me too, even though we don't always see eye-to-eye on everything. She does not live with us, only comes over for visitation. The relationship between her mom and dad has been stressful, to say the least, though it seems to be smoothing out more and more as time goes on. From my own experience, the best advice I can offer any step-parents is to be sure of the following things (and this goes for both you and your husband):



1) Do NOT badmouth their mother in front of them, no matter WHAT she does. (Yes, we have one of *those* mothers in the picture too.) Do not badmouth their mother within earshot of them either. The kids are going to hear enough crap from her about you ... they don't need to feel put in the middle no matter where they go. They WILL (trust me, I had a crazy mother and a step-mom too) remember that you never made them feel that way.



2) Always be respectful and civil to their mother when you interact ... no matter how much you need to grit your teeth to do it. Believe me, if she ISN'T respectful, the kids will swiftly see who has taken the high road here.



3) Be respectful of the kids themselves. Kids of ALL ages will try to push your buttons. A lot. Parents quickly get used to the kind of things their kids do ... step-parents are often thrown into the mix with little time to prepare. If they are really trying hard to push you out of the picture, there's probably some intense jealousy at work here.



4) PRESENT A UNITED FRONT. This means that your husband cannot leave the discipline to you, and he cannot undermine you. I had long talks with my boyfriend about what kinds of discipline and how much I should use with his daughter. He and I have always presented a united front with her ... even if I enforce a consequence that he does not agree with, he will NEVER contradict me in front of her. (Unless, of course, he tells me that what happened actually was not her fault. Neither of us would want her punished if she was innocent, and I always apologize to her immediately if I was mistaken in my understanding of her actions.)



5) Don't be afraid to actually TALK to the stepkids ... no matter how old they are. Sit down as a family and find out what it is that upsets them ... but be willing to listen to things you may not want to hear. This includes being willing to recognize and own up to behavior of YOURS that may be contributing to the problem. If they accuse you of something like "taking their Dad away", ask why they feel that way (assuming that you weren't actually responsible in some way for the breakup of their mom and dad's relationship). Ask what could be done to help them feel better? Would they sometimes just like some alone time with Dad without you being there? It's a reasonable request to make. We always make sure that my stepdaughter has chances to have time like this. At one point, she mentioned that she was jealous of her little sister, because since my daughter was born, my stepdaughter and I didn't have as much time for doing stuff alone together and she felt that I had kind of abandoned her. I have since made sure that we find time on occasion to do stuff -- just me and her ... without little sister.



6) Don't treat them differently than your other kids. (Whether you have them now, or in the future.) The LAST thing you want to do is play favorites, because it will only undermine all the kids' feelings of security and self-worth. My girls know that the consequences will be the same, no matter which of them breaks the rules. They know full well that there is no pitting me against daddy either, because that isn't going to work (and, in fact, will get you in a lot of hot water if you try).



Good luck to you.

[deleted account]

I have a step son aged 13 as well as 2 children from a prev marriage and a son of 3 with my now husband. My step son lives with his mum (psycho cow from hell) and comes to stay witrh us at weekends and holidays. I've been with his dad 6 years now and at first everything was fine. I treated my step son exactly as I treat my own children woulddn't have it any other way and it did seem to work, that is up to about 12 months ago when he became unbearable. I dont know what happened but he decided that he hated the sight of me did the exact opposite of everything I asked and generally would not speak to me at all. It became a huge problem in our house as the atmosphere was unbearable and I dreaded the weekend. Everyone told me not to take it to heart and it was just his age but I ended up being very withdrawn and depressed and actually at my lowest point 'hated him'. It caused probs with me and his dad but we decided that the best option was to 'sing off the same hymn sheet' and not let him come between us hoping that he would eventually grow out of his behaviour. Things have got a little better and he knows he cant come between us and play each other off against each other. Im hoping in a few years time he can accept me again and we can all get on - time will tell!!!

Karen - posted on 08/28/2009

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I have a 14 year old stepson and a 13 year old stepdaughter. I've been with their father for 8 years so they were only 5 & 6 years when I first came into their lives. My stepson has always been easy to get along with but my stepdaughter on the other hand didn't always make it so easy! When she was maybe 9 or 10 she pushed every button she possibly could. That kid used to make me crazy!! But once she realized that I wasn't going to deal with that she got herself together and we get along good now but it took a couple years. Be consistant and try to be a good mother not a good friend. They may not like the idea right away but they'll get over it. Just remember it's going to take some time.

Anita - posted on 08/28/2009

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I am step mother to 2 pre-teens and I have to admit I am lucky. Our families have blended perfectly. I couldn't have asked for anything more perfect.

Mary - posted on 08/28/2009

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It's all depends on the age of the kids. I am raising my twin 21 year old kids half-sister and brother who are 15 and 13. Their bio-mother is and has been in jail for most of their life; their dad is disabled, which means life has been really rough for them. Then one of the kids has ADHD, so change is very difficult for them to accept.



One has shut themselves off of being a child completely so they call their father by his first name and their mother the same way...The other one is so desparate to have a mother that they have latched on to me very tightly....



Either way you have to treat them the same as you would if they were your own kids. Treating them different makes them feel as if you don't want to be a part of their life. Also, I feel that they need to know that you care/love them as a choice not a requirement. My son had a friend who was adopted and he ran away because he found out his bio-parent didn't want him and he was having a hard time dealing with the information. I sat him down and explained to him that a parent who adopts or is a step-parent love the child even more then a biological parent because it was a choice to have that child in their life then it was a given. When we have kids we are given the choice to keep, put it up for adoption, or abort. When we make the decision to keep it is a given that we will love this child, it is also a choice, but not the same...



Hope this helps....

Lola - posted on 08/28/2009

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I really don't know where to start. At age 13 I became the "mother" of my two younger brothers age 5 and 7 until I graduated from high school and left home. I had two children of my own and raised them. After divorcing their father I met a man 15 years later and married him. He had three children the youngest 17 living with her mother. One week before our first wedding anniversary, the daughter and her 23 month old son moved in with us so she could go to college and I would watch the boy. Six months later she joined the navy and we had the boy for nine years. Ten months later my daughter asked me to take her two daughters ages 11 and 12. They were with me for about 1-1/2 years. One year after the step-grandson went to live with his mom and her new husband I was blessed with getting to raise two great grandchildren 1 and 3 years old which I have now had for over six years.



Yes, there were rough times and there were happy ones, but we made it through them all. Just love them and in time they will come around. The step-grandson was a real handful and didn't want to do as he was told, but when he was 16 and came to visit, he walked up behind me and put his arms around me and hugged me. That made all of it worthwhile. The granddaughters and I had a rocky relationship at the time because they, like my bio son and daughter, didn't want to abid by the rules. Today I have a good relationship with all of the children. I think it is because I insisted that they respect me and my rules and that they respect their own mother.



The great-grandson that lives with me now will be going to live with his father (he is in thearmy) and his new wife soon. It is unknown how long the great-grandaughter will be with me.



Yes, I feel I should have some time of my own, but the children need someone to be there for them.



Oh, by the way, I am 73 years old.

Stacy - posted on 08/28/2009

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I have a 4 year old daughter and a 12 year old stepdaughter. I understand where you're coming from I'm having the same problems with my stepdaughter. She says she wants to be treated the same as our daughter, but that's just not possible because of their age difference. I try the best I can, but some things just have to be age appropriate. I should be able to expect more from the 12 year-old than the 4 year-old. If I give one a chore, I give the other one a chore too. I just have to make sure that they are able to do them. I don't feel like my stepdaughter wants to be treated the same. I feel like she wants to be treated better, and I won't do that.

Karmee - posted on 08/28/2009

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I was a step-mom but the grandmother wanted to be the mother and alway's resented me! That bein said we never got married but were together and had so much trouble over 7 years but iI still feel as though those kids are part of me but am not allowed to see them anymore and he has nothing to do with mine. Guess what I am trying to say is that now that I cant see them I wonder what has been said about me to them and I would never walk away as he has letting the kids hurt hold on it will get better it took 2and a half years befor mine were really o.k with him the father of those step-children of yours needs to make a big difference and be open with them and let them know you are not tryin to replace mom but that God say's that we are supposed to love everyone and that is all you are tryin to do!

Roshan - posted on 08/28/2009

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Quoting Blanchie:

Is there any Step Moms out there??

I have 2 stepsons and 1 step daughter... I have tried everything under the sun to get along with them.. Any Advice..



i have 5 stepsons.ive been there,but stopped trying.The thing is if they have no problem in showing u who they are,then why should you.But we just do it with more wisdom nd class ofcoarse!

Stephanie - posted on 08/28/2009

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The only suggestion I have is to pray for them and treat them as if you gave birth to them. The kids can feel it if you treat your own bio kids differently than you treat them. You just have to be willing to admit your weakness. It is natural to love your own more because you were there from the beginning, but if you acknowledge the way you feel, you can make it happen.

Jennifer - posted on 08/28/2009

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It's really hard i have twin step daughters that turned 14 in june sometimes i just want to give up but if i do that it's telling them that they won . Whatever you do don't give up .

Kathleen - posted on 08/28/2009

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Quoting Sue:

Sorry, no advice. Wish someone would give me some too. Have a sixteen year old stepson and 18 year old stepdaughter. Stepdaughter has been jelous since the day her dad and I met and has done everything in her power to destroy our relationship, with the help of her mother. We're still together after five years, never thought I would survive five years of her. I thought it would get better when they got older, but it seems to get worse. Good luck, I find myself praying a lot more lately.



My situation sounds similar to yours.  I have a son of my own and a 13 y/o step-dtr. My step-dtr seems to try to undermine me every chance she gets.  I have been with her father for 4 years and we have been married for one.  Her mother passed away 3 years ago.  She is extremely jealous of me.  She uses me as an outlet for her anger.  It is tough, but the best thing is that my husband and I talk about it (it isn't always a calm conversation) and we support each other.  We stick together when she is trying to work us against each other. I have 5 more years before she is 18.  I am just hoping to get through those years with a better relationship with her, but I am realistic about it.  I do a lot of the same things for her that I do for my son, but she still thinks I should exist only to let her do whatever she wants and go away when her dad is home. I will keep you, and all the other stepmoms, in my thoughts. Just feel better knowing you did what you could for her and tried to help her become a better adult.  Hopefully, when she is older she will realize what you did for her.

Mary - posted on 08/28/2009

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I have a step-son who is 14 and half. 2 toddlers of my own. Things were fine until H hit the teen years.... He doesn't like the rules I need to keep the toddlers safe and generally doesn't do much to be of use around the house! Then we arranged a meeting with his mum to ensure we were all 'on the same page' things been better than average since then. Good luck, it's a hard job with little or no reward/thanks (at least I get cuddles from own kids!)

Mary - posted on 08/28/2009

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I have a step-son who is 14 and half. 2 toddlers of my own. Things were fine until H hit the teen years.... He doesn't like the rules I need to keep the toddlers safe and generally doesn't do much to be of use around the house! Then we arranged a meeting with his mum to ensure we were all 'on the same page' things been better than average since then. Good luck, it's a hard job with little or no reward/thanks (at least I get cuddles from own kids!)

[deleted account]

Quoting Blanchie:

Is there any Step Moms out there??

I have 2 stepsons and 1 step daughter... I have tried everything under the sun to get along with them.. Any Advice..


I, too, was a step-mom.  However, it was when I was only 23 and she was FIVE.  Hindsight is 20-20.  Best advice I could possibly give is T-I-M-E.  Time alone with each separately and just the FOUR of you at least twice a month - not w/dad.  Build from there.  My step-daughter doesn't talk to me at all.  Doesn't even consider me.  Do you have children of your "own"?  How do you NOT get along with them.  What, under the sun, have you tried with them?





 

Melissa - posted on 08/28/2009

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Yvonne, my daughters also have a step mom from hell. The first day she met my girls she threatened to spank the youngest if she didn't listen to her. My youngest is a very well behaved child & at 7 had never even received a spanking from her bio parents...so for her as the new gf then to threaten my daughter...well that just set the tone for how it would be with her around. My ex and I have been divorced for 4 yrs now, and until he married her we had a great relationship as co-parents to our daughters. Since the day he said I do. He has seen my kids for less than 3 weeks out of 2 yrs. My ex is in the Navy and the day he was pinned Chief, he asked the girls to be there. I flew them to Cali for the ceremony. Their dad was busy most of the time and they were left alone with her. She told my girls "If you don't like me, then dont come around us. Your dad has chosen me and if you don't, you can't be a part of his life." When my daughters told their dad, he didn't believe them. My girls are now 14 and 12. They have made it very clear to their dad that as long as she is around, they will not be. They have not spent one holiday with him (nor has he even attempted to see them on a holiday or bday), birthdays or special occasions with him since 2005. It's really sad bc their dad can't have more kids. My two girls are the only ones he has and one day when he is old, he will regret choosing his wife over them. I tell him all the time, one day you will want them there and they will turn their back on you as you have them. But he just doesn't get it....but the day they get married and my new husband walks them down the aisle, maybe he will see clearly then.

Robin - posted on 08/28/2009

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Looking back...The children were 10 and 13...I attempted to change my stepkids to fit "me" instead of creating a new "us"...I also tried to be the total opposite of their biological mother which backfired as well...coming full circle, we have learned to accept each other the way we are...

Heather - posted on 08/28/2009

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Blanchie, I'm in the same boat...I've been with their father for 6 years and since then, they do not come around, no phone calls, etc. We do have rules at our house like you do (they really have no rules at their mom's house). Their father and I have been married 3 of those 6 years and she still tells the young nieces of our family she is their Auntie. She bad mouths me to the kids and to this day will tell them that I am not their mother and they do not have to listen to me. He goes to pick them up and they are nowhere to be found (off at friend's houses or something). We do have a little girl together and some have said that the kids are jealous. I look at it this way (and yes, I too am a child of divorce), 6 years is long enough to get adjusted to this not so new situation, they should be happy that their father is happy and that they do not have to hear their parents fighting. The children are spoiled and expect everything should be just handed to them. I've tried everything under the sun to get remotely close to these children (who are now 15, 17 and 22)and because I won't let them do as they wish and run amuck and reward awful spoiled behavior, they only call us when they need money. Keep faith, not all situations are awful.

Catherine - posted on 08/28/2009

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Post a reply! hi im cathy i four kids myself and four step children that belongs to my husband he is a step dad to mine and i am step mum to his complicated you thinking ye i know but best think to win them over is to just let them be there self try not to interefear when they speaking to their dad and when they need your help try your best with them i have a step daughter thats 24 one at 19 one at 17 and step son at 14 and get on with them all they all keep in touch with us but dont visit that much now as me and their dad live in different town to them and their mum good luck with them hope things turn out ok for you all x x x

Zonja - posted on 08/28/2009

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I have 2 stepsons aged 11 and 13 (or shall I say 30 by the way he acts?) They stay with us. We also have a set of boy/girl twins aged 1y2m. We have been married for 3 years now and even gave the boys the opportunity to choose if they wanted us to get married or not. The youngest boy is all you can ask for and more...although he is starting to follow in his brother footsteps... but the eldest one treats you like slime and when Daddy gets home he acts as if nothing happened. You have to fight with the mother who stays 50 km away to actually pick up a phone to call her boys. I decided now that I am finished trying to make it work... You can't make something work if it does not want to. I am only doing what I need to do for him but he has gone tooooooo far for "sorry" to have any effect. No more effort from me.... He is the one that has got to get his act together so we can have a decent relationship. He once said to me that if I die now it will have no effect or impact in his life.... so I am giving him just that.....no me to rely on!

Wendy - posted on 08/27/2009

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I have been in 2 marriages with step children. The one now...he is a doll. His mother has passed, but he was raised a very respectful young man. With him, my job is easy. My first marriage, the children were young and fought for their dad's attention..plus I had a daughter of my own also. It's difficult because you can't let them walk over you..yet if you try to be too stern the other family members may be too harsh to judge your love for them. You HAVE to have your husband on YOUR side. That has to be rule #1. Just be a mother figure so they don't think you are trying to replace her. But do not try to be the cool friend either. That will turn them against their own mom when she has to say no and maybe you wouldn't. Good luck...it can be a struggle at times.

Kat - posted on 08/27/2009

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i am a step mom but I took the word 'step' out before my husband and I got married. This took any and all pressure off his girls and ackword moments were squashed before they could even be created. I was not a challenge to them or stories from their mom. Also growing up with divorced parents I would recommend staying back and letting them come to you. They will feel it is on their terms and will not feel a forced or jealous relationship

D. J. - posted on 08/27/2009

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Hi, I have found that talking with them about things they enjoy and I would like to participate in helps. Whether its finding their favorite lotion, coming up with concert tickets or the right jeans, or just a day at the dinosaur museum. Watching their favorite show with them and learning the character's names also helps. You just need to show you have time to get to know them.

Lyndsay - posted on 08/27/2009

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I just want to "holler" to all the stepmoms out there. My dad's second marriage lasted from the time I was 7 until I was 12... I'm 20 now and I still consider her my stepmom, and more of a parent than my real mom.

[deleted account]

Step-kids always think that the step-mom is trying to replace their own mom. As long as they think this, you will never get along with them. Remember that you are not their mom and never will be, but you can be their friend. Stop trying and just let things happen the way they should. Let them come to you - they will when they are ready.

Dawn - posted on 08/27/2009

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Hi all, Just wanted to say good job to all of you stepparents who are making the effort. I have 2 stepkids, now 10 and 12. Been with them since they were 5 and 7. I think it is easier when you get them younger. I also think you have to constantly let them know you're gonna stay around, and keep any business about bio parents away from the kids, they def. will resent arguments. All we can do is the best we can, and try to listen to the kids to see what it is they need from us. I treat them as my children, to me they are, and I think they like that. We need to respect them, and they need to respect us. Good luck to all, it can be a tough but rewarding job.

Tashya - posted on 08/27/2009

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Although I am not a step parent, I am a single mother and hear that being a step parent is the hardest job in the world. I have heard of great success with the outlook of 'I know I am not your parent, but I am your adult, and I am in charge' verbalizing this, of course, age appropriately. Standing on a common front with the other parent is a must. As soon as the step children see any wavering of the front, they jump on the bandwagon! It is also good to hear the parent say to the children "Blanchie is in charge during dinnertime' or 'bedtime' or 'playtime' and also the parent saying during conflicts 'I sure you and Blanchie will work that out." Kudos to you for being a step mom to children. It takes a village, and you are doing your part and more!!

Diane - posted on 08/27/2009

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Let their Dad be the disciplinarian and you back him up. Be supportive of them and tell them their good qualities. When they act like they don't like you, ignore them - it's a power play thing - they think that they had their Dad first so they have one up on you - it's not a game and don't let them do it. Sometimes encourage them to have time alone with their Dad without you but don't let them come between you and your husband or put him in a position that he has to choose. Never talk bad about their mother to them. My former stepdaughter's mother talked about me all the time but I just ignored her and for instance when her mother put on a great graduation party I said to her "you are lucky to have a mom who is so good at party planning". At her wedding I was glad to let her Mom be the star and take the seat in the second row and at the second table - my stepdaughter was so happy that there weren't any problems and she told me that she respected me because I didn't make her Mom mad and let her have the wedding she wanted with peace in the family. My stepdaughter even made the point at her wedding to have a picture taken of just her and me and recently when I wasn't feeling so well and her Dad and I had split up - she had it framed and sent to me and said she'd always consider me to be one of her moms. Oh and we had our times we didn't get along because everyone pampers her and waits on her and this mom expects her to clean up and take care of herself. I even hired her for a summer at my office to get her some experience for her resume but she wouldn't get things done and hid her lack of work in a file cabinet and we had to let her go. She hated me at the time but now she says it was a wake up call. She still doesn't like some of the things I do but she's still a very important part of my life and I still consider her one of my kids. So even though mine isn't a fairy tale don't get upset when they don't like you - you'll find common ground and they will respect you and the most important thing is they see you support and love their dad and that's the best common ground.

Leticia - posted on 08/27/2009

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oh wow, is that difficult

I just starting to date a single father of 2boys & 1 daughter they all teenagers

on of them is the same age as my son (i only have one) so this is going to be interested. We suppose to all hang out to get the feel of everyone. W ish me Good luck! :)

Rachel - posted on 08/27/2009

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I am a stepmom to 3 boys and 1 girl. I get along pretty well with them but it was hard for me and them to adjust to each other. The older boy age 11 we have always gotten along well he is a good kid. The other 3 are younger and they have had problems not because of my actions but because of those of their mother who hardly ever comes to get them to stay with her. I think that is the younger 3's main issue. But no matter how hard we try to get her involved she always comes up with excuses as to why she cant come. Well anyways thats a lil of what i know or have experienced with my stepchildren.

Dawn - posted on 08/27/2009

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Blanchie, the one bit of advice that was worth a million to me was: you discipline your kids, and your husband disciplines his kids. I came into my second marriage w/ 2 teenagers and my hubby inherited a 4 yr. and one in diapers! God has blessed our union in many ways because of the ways in which we decided to deal w/ each other's kids. I basically act like their friend and never try to be their mother, because they love their own mother. But you set the boundaries, have great communication, and love on them!

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