Is this considered abuse/neglect?

Shelley - posted on 04/22/2010

I say it is definitely abuse, she is a very selfish parent. Imagine a little boy with asthma and mom is smoking...crazy. I think you should talk to her about not doing this, and if she still refuses to budge, then you should let her know that you will have to report her to child services in your area. It is probably a tough thing to do but necessary. Good luck to you and your stepson.

Heidi - posted on 04/22/2010

I say it's both abuse and neglect... She shouldn't smoke around him at all especially with him having asthma. My stepsons mother lies all the time even about taking him to the doctor.. we have proof that she doesn't! There's nothing you can do about her abusing or neglecting him. CPS or judges dont care, believe me, my husband and I tried. I have seen multiple ring worms the size of half dollars on my step kids, and they have told me horrific stuff about what goes on in their mothers house, we took her to court with a counciler on our side and the judge gave the kids back to her. They don't care about what single mothers really do to their kids. I am sorry to say that, but it's the truth. A man has no chance of protecting his child/children from their psychopathic mother because all judges believe that a child should be with their mother no matter how much she beats the crap out of them or sexually abuses them or never feeds them, etc... I know this won't help you but I am giving you the advice to just show him more love than you possibly can and support him in any way...He will grow up to know who really cares.

Kimberly - posted on 04/22/2010

Find a Lawyer ASAP and see if your husband can get full custody. Then file to get an order to get her to quit smoking anywhere near the child.

I'm a smoker myself and I DON'T smoke in my car or house with the kids. Thre are just certain things in life you don't do!

I'm not sure if you can get the mom for abuse or neglct, but you sure can get her for endangerment.

Stephanie - posted on 04/22/2010

When my son developed asmtha I got a court order to ban his father from smoking around him. Maybe you should talk to a lawyer.

Louise - posted on 04/22/2010

This mother must realise this is doing her child harm! Where is the father? As far as I am aware it is not illegal to smoke infront of a child even if that child is sick so I don't think you can do anything. You could report her and she will then receive a visit from the health authority but there hands are tied. They can talk to her but nothing more. As infuriating this is for good people to watch. If every body gives her a kick up the backside about it she may suddenly get the message that this is not socially acceptable. Or find the father and appeal to his good nature to step in and do somethin. This is a horrible situation to be in for you to watch a child become sick and not be able to help. I hope the situation resolves it's self soon for all involved!

Kim - posted on 04/22/2010

That's just selfish. No cigarette is worth that. This is hands down wrong. Where I am from, there is a $876 fine, if you are caught smoking in a car with a minor under 16. The poor little thing is suffering needlessly and of all people in the world, from his Mother. If you can call her that. I would die for my children. I can't imagine doing anything to harm them in any way.Despicable.

Brittany - posted on 04/22/2010

I actually just got diagnosed at the age of 20 with asthma after having RSV just the other day, and the first thing the doctors ask is if i smoke or if i am around people who do. i dont smoke, but both my parents do and my boyfriend does. I would definitely report her because asthma is no joke and not fun at all, and if i were you i would ask if her son could come stay the night and you can see if he is any better. and i would record how many times he has to use his inhaler and the breathing treatments.

Jenice - posted on 04/22/2010

Sounds like she is bipolar and should be diagnosed with that disorder because she is not thinking about her child. If you need to stay anonymous do so but report her and often... I have this issue with my step children. Their mother is unstable and smokes with the door open but her son has asthma also but since I do not witness this myself. I would look bitchy. The child is the one that ultimately will pay with his life.

Lori - posted on 04/22/2010

look for the most part everyone is giving u great advice but i will tell u dont get social services involved unless u have to go through juvenile courts u can get an emergency hearing and have documentation from his dr because if u report her to social services he remain in the system for a long time

Hanife - posted on 04/22/2010

Hi there,
It is definately abuse and she should be reported. As a asthma sufferer myself it is awful when you cant breathe properly. The child is at risk of ending up in hospital, please please help the child by doing whatever is necessary. Good luck

Gerri - posted on 04/22/2010

Yes definitely abuse and neglect. Too bad in the family does anything. You could get protective services involved or the very least the doctor could because of the attacks. DO SOMETHING. This boy has no voice of his own so you have to do it for him.

Krystal - posted on 04/22/2010

I can tell you as an asthmatic, tobacco smoke is a HUGE trigger for an asthma attack if you are allergic to it! In fact, that is my worst trigger. I get so annoyed with smokers because they don't realize that there are people living around them that may not die from lung cancer from being around them while smoking, but can die from a severe allergic reaction to the chemicals in the smoke. I would take him to a doctor and an allergist first. Then, when the results come back and if his mom won't change her ways, you can call CPS and present them with the testimonies from the doctors. it really helps if you have hard evidence.

Anita - posted on 04/22/2010

1. Smoking DOES contribut to Asthma..... I suffered from it as a child due to BOTH my parents smoking and sometimes we would all be in the car with the windows wound up, that's how bad I had it! Since moving away from home my asthma disappeared.

2. Be careful what you say to the mother. I am also a step mother and have learnt to let my partner deal with issues relating to his son with the mother, otherwise the mother can make it very hard for your husbad to see his child (trust me, my partner hasn't seen his child for about 3-4 years now!!). It is hard I know.

3. Yes, it is child neglect, but you CAN'T tell a person to give up smoking, they have to want to quit on their own. But you can discuss your concerns with her and maybe give her information from a website or something useful like that. (you could report her but you need to tread carefully....if you know what I mean...)

Here in Australia it is illegal to smoke within so many metres of a public shopping centre so I can't understand how people can get away with smoking near children!!

GOOD LUCK

3.

Nancy - posted on 04/22/2010

I know that a lot of people will not agree, but, to me, ANYTHING THAT HARMS A CHILD IS ABUSE, which would mean that this IS abuse. If a person has the habit, and NEEDS to smoke, they should find a way to do it AWAY FROM THE CHILD!!!

Cynthia - posted on 04/22/2010

Well, if this person lives in Ontario, Canada, smoking in the car with a child under the age of 18? is ILLEGAL. She is breaking the law. That being said, I would considere this abuse. Perhaps a phone call to family and children's services are warrented?

Ashley=) - posted on 04/22/2010

Its bad parenting and very selfish on his moms part.She needs a good dose of reality here and told the harm she is causing her own flesh and blood.If it were my family member i would say it thats just ridiculous she can come up with as many excuses but its not doing her son any good she needs to own up to her behaviour and see her smoking is affecting her son and does she not care it is?or love him enough to just not smoke around him.

What some need is a good dose of reality and told straight out.

Lori - posted on 04/22/2010

it is abuse my steddaughter had to gothrough the same thing with her mom until her maternal garndmother took her away. You need to take him to the hospital or him to the dr to have proof and take the mom to court for a emergancy hearing for removal. i smoke but have never and will never do it around the children i dont even let them see me smoke. its awful this mother is being so selfish please get that boy away.

Natalie - posted on 04/22/2010

It's abuse. The poor child and what a selfish mother. She doesn't deserve to have children if she's going to treat them like that! I'd report her.

Sammie - posted on 04/22/2010

Yes it is, very very much so, im an astma sufferer and a smoker, but i WILL NOT smoke near my 3 month old due to the fact its cruel, and passive smoking is worse then actually smoking, you Can call Children protective service to find out if it is or not, or to make a complaint, and if anyone is stupid enough to lie about smoking not affecting astma is jus selfish and can possible kill them.. good luck i hope he gets better soon..

Firebird - posted on 04/21/2010

Just a little something I'd like to add to your response to Carmen, Jodi: No one said anything about putting this boy into foster care, it seems that his step mother and dad are more than willing to do what's best for him. And by talking him out of a home that is dangerous to his health and bringing him into their home, they would be taking care of their own! This is her husband's son that she's talking about! Not some random stranger's kid!

Jodi - posted on 04/21/2010

Wow Carmen!! So given your anger, am I to assume that you also smoked inside your house and inside your car with your 4 asthmatic children? I was also a smoker, and I would NEVER smoke in my home or my car with my kids, because I am well aware of the damage passive smoking can cause. But even better, I gave up, so its not even an issue any more anyway.



But knowing what we know now about second hand smoke (we know much more now than we did back in the 80s), how can we even justify exposing our children when we have the choice to go outside to have a cigarette? It is banned in the workplace because we should not be forcing our work colleagues to breath second hand smoke.....it is even banned in pubs and clubs here where I live for the same reason, so why is it ok for children to breathe it?

Carmen - posted on 04/21/2010

I must say.. I am a smoker and I have 4 children..all of which have asthma since birth - I never smoked while pregnant! How dare any of you judge parenting skills I have been a parent for 25 years and I have seen children taken away from their parents for the simplest things such as-- a mother who is handicapped and due to her handicap- child services were called on her.. - How do you tell that child - you were taken away because your mother gave you Sprite at 12 mths?--or maybe it was the nurse that did not like the color of your skin.. and for that reason she called child servives? What about the family that this child is being brought into?.. Also at risk-- because there is alot of PEDIOPHILES within the Foster Parent Care System that do not report their status within the community! - There is no one can love your child and nurture your child as a mother! Now you have a child in the Foster care who will grow up with mental instabilities.. why????? because someone could not stand to see this child and their mother in the car.. with a smoking parent>???? Come one.. can you please tend to yours and then worry about others? I bet there is alot in your life that you also need to fix!!

Cynthia - posted on 04/21/2010

If your stepson is coughing to the point of vomit YOU/DAD must take the childe to the HOSPITAL pronto, His meds are not helping enough at this point, never mind the cause at the moment YOU may be walking on the edge of neglect by not doings despite the fact it was the mothers smoking that has set him off.
Document and report to the doctors the events and consult with them your husband should be documentating all of this along with hospital and doctor visits immediately after her visits if this is a regular occurance.
Your stepsons asthma is not under control at this point and he should be under hospital care for as long as it takes to get the symptoms under control so he can go back to his normal med routine.
I have four children with mild asthma, and a friend whose child had severe asthma and I was her on call for when she and her husband could not be reached, for the school, Please put the cause aside for the present and focus on the child, The doctors will know what to do pertaining to the childs mothers ill considered actions in regards to her child.

Charity - posted on 04/21/2010

I would constitute it as abuse and neglect. I would report her to CPS and I would have a doctor write something up about his asthma and then your husband needs to go to court to ask for primary custody and only supervised visitation because she has no care or respect for her childs health.

Mariana - posted on 04/21/2010

Yes, this is clearly abuse, even of it's not intentional. I would call child protective services right away. Think about the child and his future. Wouldn't you want someone to do the sane thing if it were you? Best of luck. Stay strong and follow through.

All my best.
Mariana

Iridescent - posted on 04/21/2010

And yet another article, this one with a law (Arizona) that shows this situation.

http://tobaccoanalysis.blogspot.com/2007...
"In some rare circumstances, exposing a child to secondhand smoke could be construed as necessarily causing direct harm. For example, if a child has severe asthma that is known to be triggered by secondhand smoke, then exposing that child to secondhand smoke could reasonably be construed as causing harm."

Iridescent - posted on 04/21/2010

Here is an article of this exact same issue, and how it was addressed in various court cases and endangerment charges.
http://mrasthma.com/asthma-children/asth...

Iridescent - posted on 04/21/2010

It is illegal in most areas if you do not follow doctor's recommendations and it causes severe illness/risk of death to a child. This is exactly what she's doing, and if he happened to die because of an asthma attack thanks to her smoking and it could be proven, she could be charged as a criminal with his death. So yes, report it.

Similar instances are where a child has cancer and the parents refuse treatment and it's a highly curable type with treatment (look at the recent case in Minnesota, where the mother was charged with kidnapping and there was a warrant for her arrest for exactly this issue. It resolved when she decided to face facts and allow treatment).

Another example is where a child has a feeding plan, and the parents choose not to follow it (applicable with children with failure to thrive, premature birth, etc). If you choose not to follow the plan and don't have a good reason for no improvement, you WILL lose all rights to your child.

Cindy - posted on 04/21/2010

Maybe the possibility of a certified letter signed by both you and the child's father, requesting that she refrain from smoking in the vicinity of their children, and a copy of the letter forwarded to the judge. Give her a time frame, 3 days ;) or whatever, that you will alert the authorities to her behavior because her actions are causing immediate distress to the child in question. And then, DO IT! Stop messing around with her once you are clear of your intentions and your plan with her. Stop playing games. If you threaten to turn her in, do it. Get the judge involved. These, again are just my thoughts. Thanks for letting me share them.

Shannon - posted on 04/21/2010

We have been "friends" for over a year now and all of a sudden she wants to act like a bitch again... My husband and I have told her to stop smoking 3 times now and she keeps saying "ok" but has never stopped... She is crazy... YES... but she is good when things are good between us and her family, right now they're not because of child support issues. (she's mad cause she should be paying us instead of us paying her) My husband and I don't give 2 shits about the money! we just want Their son to be healthy, happy and thriving! thats all we care about but apparently she doesn't!!

Cindy - posted on 04/21/2010

Ask her why she believes her smoking is unrelated? In a sense of the word, confront her about it. It is the MOST effective way of dealing with difficult situations. Because in fact it is her child, as we all know that feeling, defensiveness is easy to come by and usually our natural instinct. So, I'm not referring to you she may become defensive with, I'm referring to the authorities. Too many times, I have seen from experience, parents who lie cheat and steal their way out of trouble with authorities and usually it's their word against the cops. We see on the news how often the lying parents win.
So my suggestion, approach her. She knows she can't weasel her way out of this one, and the simple notion of letting her know that you will be watching, is enough to put her in the uneasy spot. Be honest with her and let her know your plan. If this continues, you will report her. Period. And then follow through.
Clear acknowledged communication is the most effective way of dealing with problems.
We can always put the children first in a way that gets real results. Abuse, no - neglect, yes. No different than feeding an overweight child more doughnuts, or giving a diabetic a cookie. Knowingly attributing to unhealthy behavior is NOT okay. Now is the time to speak to her.

Jodi - posted on 04/21/2010

Well, I know for a fact that here in Australia, we can get court orders (within our parenting agreements) to prevent a parent being permitted to smoke around a child, and the court will agree to it, so perhaps this is the way to tackle it. Get his doctor to write a letter to the effect that it is inhibiting his health, and then talk to a lawyer about whether a stipulation can be added to any custody arrangments in place. If you can get that in, then if she does it, she will be in contempt......



Just a thought.

Victoria - posted on 04/21/2010

That is horrible. I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old with Asthma. Yes smoke is a big cause of flare ups and I won't understand why anyone would want to cause an Asthma attack ( which she is doing). You need to have a serious talk with his Dad, don't attack but let him know what your Dr said. I'm sure his Dad would have his best interest and would maybe get her to stop. I wouldn't stand for this at all. Goood luck.

Sondra - posted on 04/21/2010

My personal opinion is that it is abuse/neglect. She is so wrapped up in herself and her addiction that she can't see how sick it is making him. If something isn't done, this poor little boy could end of dying from these attacks. Not sure what to suggest other than having him stay away from her legally.

Lyndsay - posted on 04/21/2010

Unfortunately it's completely legal what she's doing, so even if you did report her they probably wouldn't do anything. Here in Ontario you can get fined if you're caught smoking in your car with children under 16, but I think thats pretty much the extent of it.

Deborah - posted on 04/21/2010

asthma can be very dangerous if not taken care of correctly with the person staying away from things that set it off....like any kind of smoke cigarette.... grill....fireplace....any kind of smoke can cause the wind pipe close off....it depends on the degree of cause on what the degree of coughing and closing of the air supply....no one has the right to smoke around that child...someone needs to call cps before something horrid happens to this child....even death can happen...each attach causes scaring in the wind pipe sooner or later the scaring will be too much and the child will not be able to get a breath....gee could you please call cps....or give me the address and the name and state and I will be happy to protect that child.......

Sharon - posted on 04/21/2010

Hey... I just thought of something... Since you & your husband have the pediatricians ear - you might get him to report it.

Beware though - she'll find out he was the one who reported her and probably drop him like a rock.

Angie - posted on 04/21/2010

I think what she's doing is abusive. BUT, I'd make darn sure that if she is reported that your husband does it, not you.

Kelly - posted on 04/21/2010

Again, be really careful. This is not a moral issue, but a legal one. Is it morally wrong? Definitely. Is it legally wrong, very unlikely. If this case were actually brought to court, you would need to prove that the child's asthma is due to the mother's negligence, not factors like air pollution, genetics, allergies, dander, smoke from people having a cig. outside of the mall, etc. The amount of money and time that you would have to put into this case would be pretty pointless and you'd likely lose. Plus, judges will see this case as a disgruntled ex-wife and new wife at each other's throats, regardless of the fact that that is untrue. They will be royally pissed at you for taking up time on their already loaded docket. I tell you this, because I am a criminology, law, and justice adjunct professor and I have studied the law for years (have an MA in Criminal Justice). Also, we need to quit assuming that the law is just and helpful because research overall shows numerous flaws with it. Your best bet is to work with the bitch and try to get along with her. Sadly, criminology research would point to her having the most control and say over the kid (even more than dad) as she is the biological mother and the system has a soft spot for biological mothers, even ones that smoke like chimneys. Talk to her. Tell her that you care not only about the child, but also her health. If she thinks you are being kind to her, she will likely listen.

Janette - posted on 04/21/2010

in my opinion what your stepsons mother is doing is wrong.... smoking has a detrimental effect on anyone's health asthma or not....the lady should at least go outside to smoke if she cares enough not to affect her son in any way.... The lady is extremely inconsiderate to the health of her child... I think u should talk to her about avoiding smoking while the child is in the room!! If the lady refuses to stop smoking .... she should not be able to parent that child..

SueLynn - posted on 04/21/2010

I would most definitely say that this is abuse/neglect & I would report her as soon as possible. We all know how bad smoking is & they are saying that second hand smoke is even worse...

Jennifer - posted on 04/21/2010

This is very negligent behavior on her part. She should have the consideration to smoke outdoors and away from her son. She also needs to get an air purifier for the house. If you and your husband are interested in full custody then I would talk to my lawyer.

Celine - posted on 04/21/2010

Yes it is neglect and she should be reported to social work, I am a social worker and if this info was passed to our team we would investigate it, she is contributing to him having these asthma attacks and this in my opinion is neglest like a child being sent to school without being fed, she is not meeting his basic needs which are provising a safe and healthy environment for him to live in, school / nursery should also be aware what she is doing and they would more thamn likely contact the social work department.

Megan - posted on 04/21/2010

its wrong....she is dumb bc she could god for bid kill her own son...i think you should have your partner file for full custody with supervised visits and have the dr document that he cant be near smoke and has been anyway

Kelly - posted on 04/21/2010

It's only illegal if it's marijuana, not cigarettes. If it were illegal, so would smoking in the presence of a child, ever, which it is not. (Think about people at the mall smoking right outside the door, people smoking outside of restaurants, etc.) She sounds like a pretty irresponsible parent, but be careful what you accuse her of. The next thing she will be doing is calling you a bad parent because you have an alcoholic drink every once in awhile in the child's presence, or you feed him or her McDonalds food which is also detrimental to his or her health. If she is smart and doesn't like you, she could annihilate you and remember that she probably has more legal rights over the child, as you are the stepmother and she is the child's biological mother. Your best bet is to approach her in a respectful manner and voice your concern about her smoking around a child that has asthma. Also, make sure that you are most concerned about the baby and that this is not some old annoyance that you have with this women as your husband/boyfriend's old flame. Don't let her get to you, but remember that you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar and that's better for the child too! Good luck!

Dawna - posted on 04/21/2010

Even if it's not illegal and CPS has no power to take him away, the father can always go back to court to have the custody status re-evaluated. If he has the child's doctor's statement showing how severe the asthma is and that smoke increases his health problems, and the doctor can state/show that the mother is aware that her behaviour harms her son, the courts may change the custody arrangement to allow your stepson to live with you and your husband full time and have visitations (maybe limited to outside the home w/a 3rd party present). I have mild asthma and severe allergies, and I know how horrible it is to live in a smoking environment. Just because his mother has the legal "right" to smoke doesn't mean that she should be allowed to cause her son so much pain and misery.

Becky - posted on 04/21/2010

Report her to the authorities! Maybe have her son taken away and let CPS work their miracles.

Sharon - posted on 04/21/2010

Despite what the other ladies have to say and despite my own personal judgement on her behaviour...

Your state/province/country may not feel the same. I would make an anonymous call from a phone that was not mine and did not belong in my home to a non emergency police number and your child protective services office and ask them.

Other wise you get labeled as a vindictive bitch by both if they aren't sympathetic. I used to think smoking was on the decline but as far as I can tell.. its holding steady. Over half of my co-workers smoke.

She's a nasty, lying piece of shit. Just to get my feelings out.

Rachael - posted on 04/21/2010

ohhh yea i mean smoking around your child is ok to a certain extent but if he is having that many asthma attacks she SHOULD NOT smoke around him, how could she even be ok with smoking around him knowing he has really bad asthma? I would have you and his dad sit down with his mom and tell her the rules, no smoking around him. if you wanna have a cigarette go outside or wait. if she doesnt listen, i would call dcfs on her and she will be in A LOT of trouble. yes, no doctor is going to say smoking has no affect on asthma. she must be VERY stupid if she thinks you guys believe that.

Shavaune - posted on 04/21/2010

That is abuse, especially since he has asthma. I have 4 kids and I smoke to tell you the truth but never with my kids in a vehicle or in my house. It's not hard to go outside or wait until you've gotten to your destination to have a quick smoke. My brother has had really bad asthma all his life and can't stand to be near smokers. He's told me that it feels like he's suffocating. Can you imagine feeling like that when your 4 years old and don't understand what going on? She is incredibly selfish and lazy to put her child through that and anybody who has a kid with asthma would most definitely have to been told not to smoke around them as it is the #1 cause of attacks. I would most definitely report it!