Joint bank account???

C. - posted on 12/14/2009 ( 70 moms have responded )

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Ok, first of all I have been trying to get my husband to get a joint bank account for us and then each of us should have our own small savings account. I really don't see a problem with that. He had kept saying that he would do it, but then he never would. He later confessed that he never intended on doing it b/c he thought I would "forget about it and stop asking him." How nice.. He also told me that he had lent out a couple hundred dollars (in total, not a couple hundred each person) to a couple of people and they never payed him back. That was when he was like 17 or 18, so he knows he isn't ever going to see that money. But his response to me was that he can't trust people with HIS money!!!!! Oh, and that he doesn't want someone else to MANAGE HIS finances!!!! I have NEVER given him a reason to NOT trust me with money. In fact, about a year before I even met my husband, my Grandfather passed away, leaving each Grandchild with an inheritance. I used almost every last penny on things that WE needed as a family b/c the Army wasn't giving us Command Sponsorship (as of right now, they owe us a little more than 12 months of back pay!!!) and Hawaii is pretty expensive, so we NEEDED money. But I used it for our family, I didn't keep it hidden away. I did have it in my personal account, but this was technically MY money since it was promised long before we met. It's not like I was making money after we got married and kept it from him.



My thing is, as a married couple, we should be SHARING our finances, not hiding them and not one giving the other an "allowance". He is the bread-winner currently, and there are times when the Allotment money he sends me every month just isn't enough, especially if I have to buy him things and send them to him (he's deployed).



I guess what I am asking is 1) How should I approach my husband about it when I do decide to discuss this? 2) Is asking your husband to have a joint bank account too much to ask? 3) Should I just give up the whole fight and have him keep giving me "allowances" until I go back to work??

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Krista - posted on 12/15/2009

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You cannot continue with him just giving you an allowance. What if (heaven forbid) something happened to him? If all the money is in his name, the accounts would be FROZEN by the bank until they get the death certificate and until the will is read, at which time the money would be transferred to your attorney to be distributed to you. That could take weeks. You've got kids to feed and bills to pay.

I would ask him, flat-out: "If something happens to you, and all the accounts are in your name, what do you think will happen?"

Rebecca - posted on 12/14/2009

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A bank teller opened my eyes recently...i have no income besides my parental leave money that goes in to my account but the bank will only allow me to take so much out after it's deposited in the machine so i went in to the teller and she informed me that i had no credit...i was stunned. I had a loan at this bank, an over draft, a credit card through this bank and had the bank account itself since i was 14 so i asked how this was possible she then asked what my balance was on everything. My reply was that everything was paid off. My loan was closed in May as wella s my over draft adn my credit card was the year before. She said that was the problem. I was no longer building credit. She then asked my husbands occupation,living on a military base she knew the answer but i responded that he was military. She asked what i would do if something were to happen to him. I jsut looked at her. She said if my husband was to die tomorrow i would not get approved for a loan and that would be that. She told me to apply for a credit card immediatly even if it was 500$ so i could establish credit for myself. She said just being on a co-signer was not good enoguh and she learned the ahrd way when her husband became ill and wa sno longer to work. I have since applied for a credit card and am waiting to see if i'm approved...it is in no way selfish of you to want a joint account as it will benefit you as well which is what i was trying to get at lol. We had a joint account for a year but it closed as there was no activity in it for a while. It was only for while he was gone away and needed to transfer money.

He needs to realize that he is now married and you are not a teenager. You need to sit down with him when he gets abck and explain this to him in black adn white. In the meantime, ask that he send more money every month as you are jsut getting by. If one month you don't need the extra money save it, you might need it the next month:) It is both of your money not jsut his and he needs to get that out of his head...men jsut never learn lol.

I wish you luck!

JL - posted on 01/01/2010

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Ok..I am going to approach this from the stance that I am a military wife. Whenever a spouse is deployed he must set up a power of attorney for his dependent and I read that you have one so DAMN if he wants to be an controlling ass THEN USE IT and show him that you are not a friggin child to be given an allowance.



YOur husband has a commander and a 1SGT who are your point of contact when you are having issues with your husband or with your finances. If your husband cannot grow up and take the financial situation seriously and give you the access you need through a joint bank account then you should contact his 1SGT and let them know what he is doing. He wants to act like a spoiled paranoid controlling child then treat him as such and tell those who are over him...his command. He gets extra pay due to having dependents and that money is meant for you and your child and you should have access to that.



WHat I don't understand is how you did not have command sponsorship in Hawaii and how the government owes you 12 months of back pay. Your husband should have filed paperwork for finances in his unit and went to his 1SGT about the issue. He needed to be on top of that situation.We have had the government owe us back pay before and had to pay thousands of dollars in government credit card bills because finance screwed things up,but we kept on that crap filing paperwork with finances several times and my husband even handed delivered and walked the paperwork through to make sure it was signed by command and properly filed in a timely manner. When he was lower ranking we would call Command or his 1SGT and have them pull rank to get finances in order. Now that he is an officer he pulls rank...when it comes to finances and getting your medical care properly filed those are the situations where pulling rank is appropriate.



DId you live on base in Hawaii because if you did then technically you did have command sponosorship because without official duty orders, official assigment orders and command sponsorship housing will not assign you housing or allow you live on the installation. My husband is in Korea right for a year while I am living on Fort Gordon and while we were already stationed here before he got orders to Korea for an unaccompianed assignement but since he was PCSing to Korea I had to get command sponsorship to stay in housing......all we did was have the 1SGT from the unit he was leaving sign the paperwork to state he was command sponsoring me.



I don't want to sound rude but it really sounds like your husband is at fault for some of the issues....not putting in proper paperwork, not constantly staying on it,not following through, and not bringing in his command to help him get things dealt with properly.If he is not doing what needs to be done you need to call his command and if you want you can send me a PM and I can help you anyway I possibly can.



As far as the account thing goes...sounds absurd and a bit controlling. Everything my husband and I own is dual including bank accounts and vehicles. I am the primary on everything since he is always deployed and I am the one taking care of all the bills and such. You should ask him to go to counseling to deal with the controlling and trust issues....otherwise your marriage will suffer.

Rachel - posted on 12/31/2009

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Personally, I feel that any bank account should be joint. Realistically, I know that this is not always the best option for people. Sometimes a spouse truly can't be trusted. My husband was in the army for 8 years and I know several of his friend who were literally ruined financially after coming back from deployment. This is why the military usually counsels against giving a spouse general power of attorney and access to all finances when deployed.

Specific power of attorney is a good option for the short term. This should have been done before he was deployed. I'm not sure how to get that done with him already deployed. But, if possible, (and you can probably ask your banker or family support group leader how to get this done) you should be given some kind of authority over critical aspects that are in both of your names (anytime it says "and" instead of "or" you are required to have both signatures) or just his name. For example, if the car is in his name alone or in your AND his name (instead of "or"), then you need power of attorney over the car. At the least, you should have power of attorney to access bank accounts and payroll records in the event of a crisis, if he goes missing or other such event where he is inaccessible.

Beyond that, this boils down to a trust thing. Either he trusts you or he doesn't. Marriage is based on trust. Finances are part of marriage. Maybe he has a legitimate fear, maybe not. Not knowing him personally, I feel that his experience with those friends is a cop-out - a "nice" way of him saying he doesn't trust you.

Confronting will only make it worse. So, if it were me, I would probably ask him what needs to happen for him to trust me. If there's nothing I can do for him to trust me, then there isn't a good foundation for the relationship and I would be concerned that maybe I shouldn't be trusting him - is he hiding something? is he spending money on things that he doesn't want me to know about? if we can't have trust in this area of our relationship, what else might come up?

If he's willing to develop trust in you, maybe start with a joint account in addition to his personal account. The two of you should both be active in setting a budget and going over it at least yearly or when circumstances change. Then, once you both agree on the monthly budget, he should have that amount automatically transferred to the joint account with each paycheck. His paycheck (at least initially) can go to his personal account, but the budgeted amount for your family should go to the joint account. There is no logical reason for you not to have access to the family funds - i.e., the funds necessary for normal life and management of your family and home. This arrangement gives you access to what is needed, puts you on a level playing field in terms of agreeing on a budget and what is necessary for the family, but still protects him from total financial loss because the rest of his paycheck is "safe" in his own account.

This may be a good compromise, at least initially. But, once he is no longer deployed and once you have established a track record for good management, then there should be no reason to have separate finances.

I have known a lot of couples with separate finances and all of them are not transparent with their spouses on how much they make or where all the money goes. Some for good reason (my MIL, for example, is NOT good with money and would spend it all), for others it is purely selfish. Not that those are the only reasons, but perhaps those are the extremes.

Beyond that, I would look into how to make extra cash on your own. Because my dad saw how his sister was treated (and abused) by her husband and that she had no way to escape, he was very insistent that my sisters and I all be independent financially. I put myself through college and make good money. But, my husband and I still share everything. And, even though I want to be a stay at home mom for a while after our second baby is born in June, I plan to still earn money on the side with my own small business. It just feels good to have that freedom and flexibility.

I really hope you two can work through these things! If you can, your relationship and marriage will be that much stronger. Remember that finances is a top reason for divorce, so be careful in your approach. Try to understand where he is coming from, but I think it is very reasonable to require him to think from your perspective too. He needs to understand both sides and be willing, for the sake of your relationship, to play on an even playing field.

Best of wishes,
Rachel

[deleted account]

I understand your frustration. However, I think joint checking accounts are a bad idea. It's difficult to maintain a balance in a joint account, especially now that we have check cards and can just spend money on the card and might forget to write it down. I'd suggest instead a compromise-each of you having you own checking account with the other's name on it so that if something were to happen and you needed to access the other's account you can get to it, but you each have your own money as well-and that suggestion comes from my dad, actually, who is a banker and who has been married for 39 years and follows his own advice. =)

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C. - posted on 01/03/2010

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Renae and Victoria, thank you! I guess I should be thankful for that, but it does kind of hurt that he thinks he can't just come to me.



Thank you all for your advice. All suggestions were/are greatly appreciated. Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I think it is time for this thread to close, but thanks again to all of you! You all have been a tremendous help. If, after this thread is locked, and someone would like to add to the suggestions, they are still welcome.. Just send me a PM. Thank you all!

Victoria - posted on 01/01/2010

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Christina,

I have to agree with Renae that this is a good thing. I don't know the reason he feels more comfortable talking in front of the counselor, but I do think it is good that these feelings are out in the open and you can discuss at home further what he revealed in counseling.
Maybe he feels you will be more angry with him at home in private than at counseling, or maybe he does not know how to communicate with out accusing or arguing and just wants to avoid a big fight. Whatever the reason discuss this in your sessions and allow the professional to help you learn how to work things out. You both need to learn the tools that will help you communicate in the future as well as the present.
I hope this helps.

Renae - posted on 01/01/2010

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Quoting Christina:

I don't have time to reply to all of you tonight, but something caught my eye and I just wanted to reply to that one really quickly.

Victoria, as I was skimming your post, towards the end you said something about going to joint counseling.. We have already agreed to going back, since there was a kink in our plans the first time and he ended up deploying.. But the few times that we did go, he was more honest with the counselor than he had been with me! All 3 sessions I cried the entire time b/c he kept surprising me with his feelings about everything, instead of him coming to me about it.. I don't know that I am ready for that again.. But I was wondering, while we are on that subject, any suggestions on how to get him to NOT do that the next time?? After the first session I asked him to just tell me how he felt instead if bringing it up in counseling for the first time, but he did it for sessions 2 and 3 still..

Hopefully I can reply to the rest of your post and to everyone else's posts tomorrow.. Thank you all for posting!



Christina I just wanted to say that that always happens in counselling. There is not a couple on this planet who went to counselling and were not shocked to hear some of the things their partner was thinking and feeling. Stick it out. You dont need to tell him that he should be coming to you... the whole point of counselling is for the counsellor to bring these things out of him -that's the counsellors main job. Once you have worked through the issues and the counsellor feels that everything is out in the open, then the counsellor will work on helping the two of you communicate so that you dont end up back in counselling. Any negative feelings you have about the counselling (such as being hurt that he didn't come to you first) you should address at the next counselling session and let the counsellor help you to understand that that is how counselling works. I hope that makes sense. I think it is a real positive that he was willing to be honest in counselling - I think you should focus more on that.

C. - posted on 01/01/2010

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I don't have time to reply to all of you tonight, but something caught my eye and I just wanted to reply to that one really quickly.

Victoria, as I was skimming your post, towards the end you said something about going to joint counseling.. We have already agreed to going back, since there was a kink in our plans the first time and he ended up deploying.. But the few times that we did go, he was more honest with the counselor than he had been with me! All 3 sessions I cried the entire time b/c he kept surprising me with his feelings about everything, instead of him coming to me about it.. I don't know that I am ready for that again.. But I was wondering, while we are on that subject, any suggestions on how to get him to NOT do that the next time?? After the first session I asked him to just tell me how he felt instead if bringing it up in counseling for the first time, but he did it for sessions 2 and 3 still..

Hopefully I can reply to the rest of your post and to everyone else's posts tomorrow.. Thank you all for posting!

Michelle - posted on 01/01/2010

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This seems to be about more then money. I think I saw in an earlier post that he wanted you to work instead of the joint account and as opposed to giving more money (?). Anyway if for some reason he thinks that you working is a real solution then do a little research on what daycare would cost and send that info to him and tell him that if he pays that you can work. See what happens. It'll either be a reality check for him that he needs to step up and help out more financially (possibly opening the door for the joint bank account) or if he's willing to pay that it's probably a hint that there's something else going on. Something to consider when he gets back is marriage counseling. I hope things get better. Just remember that you need to do this for your child.

Victoria - posted on 12/31/2009

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I think this entire thing is much deeper than money, it is control plain and simple. My husband and I have three accounts (and all three are joint). One main account for the household expenses, one for an emergency savings, and one for blow money. I handle the main responsibility for paying the bills on time...BUT we both have access to all accounts. If an emergency comes up we have the emergency fund savings to cover most things and if we want something extra like gifts or maybe a special night out we use the blow money. With each paycheck that goes into the main account we have a budget for how much gets divided into the other accounts. This makes sure that the money spent from each accounts gets a chance to grow again. We discuss large purchases (anything over $75 to $100). We sat down and came up with a financial plan and both continue to work toward our goals. If one wants to spend savings on something we talk about it and decide if this will help us reach our goal or if we can do without it. We have been married for 8 years and have two children, if we want to provide well for them then we have to be a team in everything including finances.

As far as the web site he was on, I had an ex-husband that started that way. I found out and he said it would never happen again. Then about a year later I found out it never really stopped, he had just been better at hiding things. Needless to say he ended up cheating for real and we divorced. I don't know your husband, but when he returns I would definitely get into joint counseling for your marriage and work through these issues before they grow into something bigger. And when you talk to the counselor, be honest and talk about everything they are there to help.

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Me & my husband do not have joint bank accounts. He makes triple what I do & spends it like he does too. I took a $60,000 pay cut to work per diem by his request to take care of our kids. He thinks nothing of forking out say $300 for a golf club & if we had joint bank accounts..well that would be my "extra" income paying for that. All & I mean 100% of my money goes towards paying for my car, credit cards, baby stuff (I pay for 100% of our 2 babies needs I buy all toys, gifts, food ect), food that goes into the house, $500 towards the house note, and other small stuff. If my husband saw my income poof it would be gone & I don't think he truely wants me to know how much he is making. I have asked my own husband when I fall short for money & it is always 'oh yeah I'll cut you a check' & he never gets around to it & I have to put things on my own personal credit card which I think is BS. This even happens after he asks me to buy stuff for his friends, I never get the money back & I am on a budget.

In the long run it works out that we have seperate bank accounts. I get to stash away money for rainy days like when our water heater explodes. If he knew I had an extra $4,000 stashed away he would start making plans for it. I get so pissed when I see him picking up a $300 dinner tap for other people (we don't have that kind of money) when he wouldn't buy our daughters crib, but if he saw those extra zeros on a joint account he would do it more often.

Your not asking too much of your husband, if you don't get a joint account he needs to give you money. He may just have some trust issues. Good luck.

C. - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting Renae:



Quoting Christina:

Renae, I also meant to add that if we had our own savings account, all I would be able to see is if he was taking out more than his share and putting it in his own account. He knows what's going to happen if he's caught doing what he did again, I don't need to babysit him.






Ok yes I understand a bit better now, I went off on a bit of a tangent there.






So is his main problem that he doesnt want all the money that he earns going into a joint account because you don't contribute to the joint account? Does he have a problem with being the bread winner? What happened when you explained to him that daycare is too expensive and you going back to work is pointless? I still dont like that he doesn't trust "anyone" with his money, but we are not talking about anyone we are talking about his wife. Sorry I dont know on this one. I'm not sure how you are going to get through to him. Sorry I haven't been very helpful, I generally only try to post if I think I can help! :)





Oh, no.. Every little bit helps, trust me. You know.. I really don't know.. I think it's partly b/c I don't contribute and partly b/c he can't trust anyone, even if I am his wife. When I told him it was pointless for me to work, he said he still wanted me to work anyway. We argued back and forth for a little bit, but I think he might have talked to his mom about it (she agreed with me and even said she started working when my FIL left one time and had to quit b/c there was no extra money after daycare) b/c he stopped bringing it up. I don't know.. I'm going to sit him down and talk about it when he comes back for R&R, which SHOULD be in May (cross your fingers!!!) since my mom has offered to babysit so we can get away for a couple days.. That way he can't just blow me off or tell me he doesn't have time to discuss it (they are limited w/ internet access at the MWR b/c so many people go there and end up waiting in line for a long time). Thanks for replying though.. And you are helping, trust me.. It helps to just let it out sometimes :)

Renae - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting Christina:

Renae, I also meant to add that if we had our own savings account, all I would be able to see is if he was taking out more than his share and putting it in his own account. He knows what's going to happen if he's caught doing what he did again, I don't need to babysit him.



Ok yes I understand a bit better now, I went off on a bit of a tangent there.



So is his main problem that he doesnt want all the money that he earns going into a joint account because you don't contribute to the joint account? Does he have a problem with being the bread winner? What happened when you explained to him that daycare is too expensive and you going back to work is pointless? I still dont like that he doesn't trust "anyone" with his money, but we are not talking about anyone we are talking about his wife. Sorry I dont know on this one. I'm not sure how you are going to get through to him. Sorry I haven't been very helpful, I generally only try to post if I think I can help! :)

C. - posted on 12/30/2009

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Renae, I also meant to add that if we had our own savings account, all I would be able to see is if he was taking out more than his share and putting it in his own account. He knows what's going to happen if he's caught doing what he did again, I don't need to babysit him.

C. - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting Renae:



Quoting Christina:




Quoting Renae:

My husband thinks in a similar way. I don't take it personally, some men just like to feel like they still have independance even though they are married and committed to their partner.

We have two houses, one in his name, one in my name. Our next house will be in his name (his turn). Plus having houses in both names only protects the bank not you. Our new business I am the sole director of because I am more qualified and he didn't want the responsibility anyway (but he is a 50% share holder so is entitled to half the profit and will be working in the business full time). Everyone comments this is a strange way for a husband and wife couple to do it, but when it comes to business and finance we are a bit strange! lol

When we were both working our wages went into our own personal account. We agreed on a monthly amount of personal spending money. We kept the personal spending money in our own account and transferred the rest of our wage to the joint household expenses account. We agreed on what comes out of household expenses and what is personal (petrol/gas, clothes, ciggarettes are all personal). Because it is a household account which noone can argue is not a joint expense, my husband was ok with both of our names being on there because it is made up of both of our money.

Since I have not been working we just reduced our spending money so my husband now keeps his spending money in his own account and transfers the rest to household expenses, then I take my spending money out of household expenses and transfer it to my personal account. So really its the same as what happens for you, my husband keeps some spending money and sends me the rest, but it seems different for us.

The reason I am big on separate personal spending money is you never have to have a conversation about what you are spending or why. If I want new shoes I buy them. If he wants a new car stereo he buys it. We never discuss our purchases before hand and are not answerable to each other, that's the whole point of having personal money.

I think you have to determine here whether he is trying to hide something, or if he is just like my husband who doesn't want everything in his life to be joint? Maybe you can come up with a compromise like what we have?







That's a huge thing.. I think he IS trying to hide something.. He used to be a member of an adult site, which I don't believe it is a free site, and I am afraid he's gotten back into it..








Also, and I can't believe I forgot this USEFUL piece of information, but last year around tax time I found a text on his phone. His mom was asking if we had gotten our tax returns. He had been telling me that we HADN'T gotten ANY of our tax returns yet, he told his mom "yes, just the one but don't tell christina shit i don't want her to know".. That pissed me off BIG time!!! He said he thought that I would want to go out and spend it all, even though we had already talked about NOT spending it until ALL o it had come b/c we had to buy our son a crib since he was using the Pack'N'Play at the time.









Christina, is this about more than a joint bank account? Do you want a joint back account so that you have some way of knowing what he's up to because you feel like you can't trust him? I am feeling like a joint bank account, or even your finances, are not the real issue here.






If this was my husband (but maybe its different because I see my husband every day and have no idea what its like to be a military wife) I would confront him head on. Whenever something is bothering me, I have learned that the best thing I can do is ask him straight up what is going on or what the problem is. It always turns out that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for whatever it was, or that we had a communication breakdown, or whatever. But afterwards I feel so much better and regain every last bit of trust in my husband (not that I ever don't trust him - but I hope you know what I mean) and we feel so much closer for now understanding each other that little bit better (you would think after 10 years you would know everything there is to know - but you dont!). I don't know if this helps. But I just feel like there are bigger issues you need to address.





No, actually it's not about knowing what he's up to.. We had talked about everything before and I started feeling like I could trust him again several months ago. My thing is, and always has been, that a married couple should have a joint account where the main money goes (what you would use for household expenses and such) and then each of us would have our own savings account. I don't want any part of his savings account, that's his money.. I just think the majority of the money should go in our account, since we're married and it should be our money, but instead he thinks it's all his. He thinks I should get a job as well, which I was going to get my old job back just to earn some extra cash while he's gone, but when I added the figures, I wouldn't be making enough to have more than what I would have had to pay for daycare and gas money. So really there was no point to it.. And he got mad about that b/c we agreed that I would work to make more money.. But when I would be working and all my money was to go to daycare and gas.. What's the point? I wouldn't have any extra money! I think in some weird way he's punishing me for that.

C. - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting kati:

christina, i have posted on here before, but seeing your new posts are making me even more heated. he seriously is on an adult site?like dating or porn? if it's a dating one that is ridiculous! to me, it might not be to some people, but to me that is pretty similar to cheating! all of his money hongering and lying, sounds like he's the one that needs to have an allowance-not you. i really hope that he gets an attitude adjustment quick and realizes that he is not, in any good way, contributing to his family. it seems like you are really unhappy, i know i would be, and he just doesn't seem to care, which isn't how marriages are supposed to work. a marriage isn't supposed to be about which person pays for what, and which person watches the kids, etc. everything is supposed to be equal. i know he's deployed now, but he should be doing everything he can to make sure his marriage and family are taken care of, and he's not. i hope when he gets back u can work things out, but i really don't see how it's gonna work if he continues his behavior. u and your child deserve to be loved, and treated with respect, please remember that!


Thank you, Kati. The end of that almost made me cry.



To me that's the same as cheating.. In my mind, if you're even thinking about someone other than your spouse in that way, you're cheating. It was a porn/dating site and you could email the people on there for more pictures and "connect" with them.. 



Already threatened divorce and started to pack my bags and he spent over an hour begging me not to go. He knows what's to come if he ever does it again.. I already warned him that I will make sure that he never sees our son again if he does b/c I don't want my son around any of that. He seems to be doing better about everything.. I think he realized how much he really wants our marriage to work that night, and not to mention the night my son and I moved back home right before he deployed.. I think that was even more of a reality check for him. I'd never seen him cry so hard before those 2 nights.. Well, I never saw him cry at all before I threatened divorce and started to pack my bags.

Renae - posted on 12/29/2009

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Quoting Christina:



Quoting Renae:

My husband thinks in a similar way. I don't take it personally, some men just like to feel like they still have independance even though they are married and committed to their partner.

We have two houses, one in his name, one in my name. Our next house will be in his name (his turn). Plus having houses in both names only protects the bank not you. Our new business I am the sole director of because I am more qualified and he didn't want the responsibility anyway (but he is a 50% share holder so is entitled to half the profit and will be working in the business full time). Everyone comments this is a strange way for a husband and wife couple to do it, but when it comes to business and finance we are a bit strange! lol

When we were both working our wages went into our own personal account. We agreed on a monthly amount of personal spending money. We kept the personal spending money in our own account and transferred the rest of our wage to the joint household expenses account. We agreed on what comes out of household expenses and what is personal (petrol/gas, clothes, ciggarettes are all personal). Because it is a household account which noone can argue is not a joint expense, my husband was ok with both of our names being on there because it is made up of both of our money.

Since I have not been working we just reduced our spending money so my husband now keeps his spending money in his own account and transfers the rest to household expenses, then I take my spending money out of household expenses and transfer it to my personal account. So really its the same as what happens for you, my husband keeps some spending money and sends me the rest, but it seems different for us.

The reason I am big on separate personal spending money is you never have to have a conversation about what you are spending or why. If I want new shoes I buy them. If he wants a new car stereo he buys it. We never discuss our purchases before hand and are not answerable to each other, that's the whole point of having personal money.

I think you have to determine here whether he is trying to hide something, or if he is just like my husband who doesn't want everything in his life to be joint? Maybe you can come up with a compromise like what we have?





That's a huge thing.. I think he IS trying to hide something.. He used to be a member of an adult site, which I don't believe it is a free site, and I am afraid he's gotten back into it..






Also, and I can't believe I forgot this USEFUL piece of information, but last year around tax time I found a text on his phone. His mom was asking if we had gotten our tax returns. He had been telling me that we HADN'T gotten ANY of our tax returns yet, he told his mom "yes, just the one but don't tell christina shit i don't want her to know".. That pissed me off BIG time!!! He said he thought that I would want to go out and spend it all, even though we had already talked about NOT spending it until ALL o it had come b/c we had to buy our son a crib since he was using the Pack'N'Play at the time.





Christina, is this about more than a joint bank account? Do you want a joint back account so that you have some way of knowing what he's up to because you feel like you can't trust him? I am feeling like a joint bank account, or even your finances, are not the real issue here.



If this was my husband (but maybe its different because I see my husband every day and have no idea what its like to be a military wife) I would confront him head on. Whenever something is bothering me, I have learned that the best thing I can do is ask him straight up what is going on or what the problem is. It always turns out that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for whatever it was, or that we had a communication breakdown, or whatever. But afterwards I feel so much better and regain every last bit of trust in my husband (not that I ever don't trust him - but I hope you know what I mean) and we feel so much closer for now understanding each other that little bit better (you would think after 10 years you would know everything there is to know - but you dont!). I don't know if this helps. But I just feel like there are bigger issues you need to address.

Rosie - posted on 12/29/2009

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christina, i have posted on here before, but seeing your new posts are making me even more heated. he seriously is on an adult site?like dating or porn? if it's a dating one that is ridiculous! to me, it might not be to some people, but to me that is pretty similar to cheating! all of his money hongering and lying, sounds like he's the one that needs to have an allowance-not you. i really hope that he gets an attitude adjustment quick and realizes that he is not, in any good way, contributing to his family. it seems like you are really unhappy, i know i would be, and he just doesn't seem to care, which isn't how marriages are supposed to work. a marriage isn't supposed to be about which person pays for what, and which person watches the kids, etc. everything is supposed to be equal. i know he's deployed now, but he should be doing everything he can to make sure his marriage and family are taken care of, and he's not. i hope when he gets back u can work things out, but i really don't see how it's gonna work if he continues his behavior. u and your child deserve to be loved, and treated with respect, please remember that!

C. - posted on 12/29/2009

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Quoting Renae:

My husband thinks in a similar way. I don't take it personally, some men just like to feel like they still have independance even though they are married and committed to their partner.

We have two houses, one in his name, one in my name. Our next house will be in his name (his turn). Plus having houses in both names only protects the bank not you. Our new business I am the sole director of because I am more qualified and he didn't want the responsibility anyway (but he is a 50% share holder so is entitled to half the profit and will be working in the business full time). Everyone comments this is a strange way for a husband and wife couple to do it, but when it comes to business and finance we are a bit strange! lol

When we were both working our wages went into our own personal account. We agreed on a monthly amount of personal spending money. We kept the personal spending money in our own account and transferred the rest of our wage to the joint household expenses account. We agreed on what comes out of household expenses and what is personal (petrol/gas, clothes, ciggarettes are all personal). Because it is a household account which noone can argue is not a joint expense, my husband was ok with both of our names being on there because it is made up of both of our money.

Since I have not been working we just reduced our spending money so my husband now keeps his spending money in his own account and transfers the rest to household expenses, then I take my spending money out of household expenses and transfer it to my personal account. So really its the same as what happens for you, my husband keeps some spending money and sends me the rest, but it seems different for us.

The reason I am big on separate personal spending money is you never have to have a conversation about what you are spending or why. If I want new shoes I buy them. If he wants a new car stereo he buys it. We never discuss our purchases before hand and are not answerable to each other, that's the whole point of having personal money.

I think you have to determine here whether he is trying to hide something, or if he is just like my husband who doesn't want everything in his life to be joint? Maybe you can come up with a compromise like what we have?


That's a huge thing.. I think he IS trying to hide something.. He used to be a member of an adult site, which I don't believe it is a free site, and I am afraid he's gotten back into it..



Also, and I can't believe I forgot this USEFUL piece of information, but last year around tax time I found a text on his phone. His mom was asking if we had gotten our tax returns. He had been telling me that we HADN'T gotten ANY of our tax returns yet, he told his mom "yes, just the one but don't tell christina shit i don't want her to know".. That pissed me off BIG time!!! He said he thought that I would want to go out and spend it all, even though we had already talked about NOT spending it until ALL o it had come b/c we had to buy our son a crib since he was using the Pack'N'Play at the time.

C. - posted on 12/29/2009

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Quoting Renae:

My husband thinks in a similar way. I don't take it personally, some men just like to feel like they still have independance even though they are married and committed to their partner.

We have two houses, one in his name, one in my name. Our next house will be in his name (his turn). Plus having houses in both names only protects the bank not you. Our new business I am the sole director of because I am more qualified and he didn't want the responsibility anyway (but he is a 50% share holder so is entitled to half the profit and will be working in the business full time). Everyone comments this is a strange way for a husband and wife couple to do it, but when it comes to business and finance we are a bit strange! lol

When we were both working our wages went into our own personal account. We agreed on a monthly amount of personal spending money. We kept the personal spending money in our own account and transferred the rest of our wage to the joint household expenses account. We agreed on what comes out of household expenses and what is personal (petrol/gas, clothes, ciggarettes are all personal). Because it is a household account which noone can argue is not a joint expense, my husband was ok with both of our names being on there because it is made up of both of our money.

Since I have not been working we just reduced our spending money so my husband now keeps his spending money in his own account and transfers the rest to household expenses, then I take my spending money out of household expenses and transfer it to my personal account. So really its the same as what happens for you, my husband keeps some spending money and sends me the rest, but it seems different for us.

The reason I am big on separate personal spending money is you never have to have a conversation about what you are spending or why. If I want new shoes I buy them. If he wants a new car stereo he buys it. We never discuss our purchases before hand and are not answerable to each other, that's the whole point of having personal money.

I think you have to determine here whether he is trying to hide something, or if he is just like my husband who doesn't want everything in his life to be joint? Maybe you can come up with a compromise like what we have?


That's a huge thing.. I think he IS trying to hide something.. He used to be a member of an adult site, which I don't believe it is a free site, and I am afraid he's gotten back into it..



Also, and I can't believe I forgot this USEFUL piece of information, but last year around tax time I found a text on his phone. His mom was asking if we had gotten our tax returns. He had been telling me that we HADN'T gotten ANY of our tax returns yet, he told his mom "yes, just the one but don't tell christina shit i don't want her to know".. That pissed me off BIG time!!! He said he thought that I would want to go out and spend it all, even though we had already talked about NOT spending it until ALL o it had come b/c we had to buy our son a crib since he was using the Pack'N'Play at the time.

C. - posted on 12/29/2009

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Quoting Leigh:

You've posted an interesting topic Christina. Some of the replies have made me smile (Lori). I've been married for 19 years, and don't hve a joint account with my husband. He has his account, & I have mine, although I do control our family finances. I make sure all the bills are paid, and that we have savings and spendings. My husband has no idea, and is not good with money, will spend everything that is in the account like water. We live on a buget which is written up every month on a big white board in our kitchen, so he/teenagers can see what happens with our income. I adjust the budget monthly depending on what we have due. He gets 'his pocket money', which he spends on what ever his heart desires, but once it's gone he has to wait until his next pay day to get any more. If something is coming up/ or he wants to buy something else he just tells me give me my card & I do, no big deal. But once he's done he gives it back. The biggest arguments we used to have early on in our relationship has always been over money. My father taught me great saving/spending habits from when I could understand life is not free, my husband comes from a we only live once live well attitude, so had no foundations to bill paying etc. We've tried many different formulas over the years, like he be responsible for everything & I be given pocket money, but after talking we realised that because it stresses me out not to control our finances, & that my one of my strengths is dealing with our financial health, that I should do it. This also makes me accountable for what happens with our money. My first thoughts for you is to collect all your receipts and write them into a budget on what you are spending.Send it to your husband, so he can see what is needed to keep his family healthy. How did you decide how much your allotment is? It's obvioulsy not enough, so I don't understand how you don't get the majority of what he makes in the allotment with a little left in his account for what ever he spends it on. My husband & I both work, but he pays for the majority of everything, because he earns more than me, but mainly because his role in our family unit is to be the provider. I make sure that he really wants for nothing, and he tells me I make him feel good about himself, by buying him nice clothes, personal items etc. I also think you need to have your own accounts, credit cards, as advised in previous posts & you need to communicate effectively when you can. Lots of luck!!


Thank you! Honestly, gathering my receipts and sending him the info never once crossed my mind, so I will definitely do that. Knowing him, he will make me scan the receipts and send him that, but that's not a problem. Well, when we were first talking about the allotment money I told him how I needed to pay my mom rent ($200/month. She also buys things for my son, like diapers, wipes and his food when I run out of money, so I think that's pretty reasonable.. Not to mention I don't have a license or car at the moment, so she has to drive me to places, should I need to go somewhere.) I also mentioned that I would have to buy things like diapers and wipes, food, clothing for both my son and myself (coming from Hawaii to SC, we had gotten a lot of warm-weather clothes since we didn't know he was deploying.. So we needed clothes for winter weather) body wash/shampoo for the both of us, special detergents/fabric softener for the both of us, etc.. In his mind, $600/month was enough. It proved it wasn't, so last month he started sending me $700/month. That works better, but my mom is still shelling out a lot since my son eats so much. He's not overweight or anything, he's just like his dad.. Can eat and eat and eat!

C. - posted on 12/29/2009

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Quoting Leigh:

You've posted an interesting topic Christina. Some of the replies have made me smile (Lori). I've been married for 19 years, and don't hve a joint account with my husband. He has his account, & I have mine, although I do control our family finances. I make sure all the bills are paid, and that we have savings and spendings. My husband has no idea, and is not good with money, will spend everything that is in the account like water. We live on a buget which is written up every month on a big white board in our kitchen, so he/teenagers can see what happens with our income. I adjust the budget monthly depending on what we have due. He gets 'his pocket money', which he spends on what ever his heart desires, but once it's gone he has to wait until his next pay day to get any more. If something is coming up/ or he wants to buy something else he just tells me give me my card & I do, no big deal. But once he's done he gives it back. The biggest arguments we used to have early on in our relationship has always been over money. My father taught me great saving/spending habits from when I could understand life is not free, my husband comes from a we only live once live well attitude, so had no foundations to bill paying etc. We've tried many different formulas over the years, like he be responsible for everything & I be given pocket money, but after talking we realised that because it stresses me out not to control our finances, & that my one of my strengths is dealing with our financial health, that I should do it. This also makes me accountable for what happens with our money. My first thoughts for you is to collect all your receipts and write them into a budget on what you are spending.Send it to your husband, so he can see what is needed to keep his family healthy. How did you decide how much your allotment is? It's obvioulsy not enough, so I don't understand how you don't get the majority of what he makes in the allotment with a little left in his account for what ever he spends it on. My husband & I both work, but he pays for the majority of everything, because he earns more than me, but mainly because his role in our family unit is to be the provider. I make sure that he really wants for nothing, and he tells me I make him feel good about himself, by buying him nice clothes, personal items etc. I also think you need to have your own accounts, credit cards, as advised in previous posts & you need to communicate effectively when you can. Lots of luck!!


Thank you! Honestly, gathering my receipts and sending him the info never once crossed my mind, so I will definitely do that. Knowing him, he will make me scan the receipts and send him that, but that's not a problem. Well, when we were first talking about the allotment money I told him how I needed to pay my mom rent ($200/month. She also buys things for my son, like diapers, wipes and his food when I run out of money, so I think that's pretty reasonable.. Not to mention I don't have a license or car at the moment, so she has to drive me to places, should I need to go somewhere.) I also mentioned that I would have to buy things like diapers and wipes, food, clothing for both my son and myself (coming from Hawaii to SC, we had gotten a lot of warm-weather clothes since we didn't know he was deploying.. So we needed clothes for winter weather) body wash/shampoo for the both of us, special detergents/fabric softener for the both of us, etc.. In his mind, $600/month was enough. It proved it wasn't, so last month he started sending me $700/month. That works better, but my mom is still shelling out a lot since my son eats so much. He's not overweight or anything, he's just like his dad.. Can eat and eat and eat!

C. - posted on 12/29/2009

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Quoting Kerryn:

My husband died suddenly last month. Our main bank account, house and mortgage are all in joint names. Otherwise I would not have been able to access the money until probate is granted. He had a credit card in his name, with me as a secondary card holder - that account was frozen when he died. Only joint accounts remained operational. It's not nice thinking about what would happen if your spouse died, but unfortunately, unless you do think about it, things can get really messy.


I'm very sorry to hear that! My condolences to you and your families. 



Thank you for that, I will definitely bring that up to my husband, as that is something to take into great consideration.

Nancy - posted on 12/27/2009

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We have been married for 20 years and separate accounts works much better for us. He pays the house and car and I pay everything else. Good luck though. There should be Trust in the relationship. After you have been burned though there is always a wall put up.

C. - posted on 12/24/2009

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I promise I am not ignoring your posts. I appreciate ALL of you for posting. Every time I get on here, I can never find this thread until the time I need to get off the computer. Hopefully I will not be too busy tomorrow and will be able to get back to you all. Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It is greatly appreciated!

Rickie - posted on 12/19/2009

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I am not married but my boyfriend and I have had a joint account for 4 years. We have only been together for 7.5 years. I also have my own account. But his name has to be first on the checks and the account. I am also a stay at home mom so I have no income of my own.

Rosie - posted on 12/19/2009

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my husband and i have a joint account and he makes most of the money-more than double of what i make. we use the money for everything for the house and if we were to make purchases for anything else-like new clothes or anything we don't even consult each other unless it's like 30 dollars or more-and then it's usually him asking me just to make sure we have enough money to do it. i find it ridiculous that he gives you an allowance, that is controlling and manipulative to say the least!! you take care of his child for goodness sake, as long as you aren't a money mongering crazy lady, there should be no excuse for his behavior. YOU ARE MARRIED! , you share everything cause YOU ARE MARRIED!! oh, this situation gets me all heated up! sorry!

Renae - posted on 12/19/2009

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My husband thinks in a similar way. I don't take it personally, some men just like to feel like they still have independance even though they are married and committed to their partner.

We have two houses, one in his name, one in my name. Our next house will be in his name (his turn). Plus having houses in both names only protects the bank not you. Our new business I am the sole director of because I am more qualified and he didn't want the responsibility anyway (but he is a 50% share holder so is entitled to half the profit and will be working in the business full time). Everyone comments this is a strange way for a husband and wife couple to do it, but when it comes to business and finance we are a bit strange! lol

When we were both working our wages went into our own personal account. We agreed on a monthly amount of personal spending money. We kept the personal spending money in our own account and transferred the rest of our wage to the joint household expenses account. We agreed on what comes out of household expenses and what is personal (petrol/gas, clothes, ciggarettes are all personal). Because it is a household account which noone can argue is not a joint expense, my husband was ok with both of our names being on there because it is made up of both of our money.

Since I have not been working we just reduced our spending money so my husband now keeps his spending money in his own account and transfers the rest to household expenses, then I take my spending money out of household expenses and transfer it to my personal account. So really its the same as what happens for you, my husband keeps some spending money and sends me the rest, but it seems different for us.

The reason I am big on separate personal spending money is you never have to have a conversation about what you are spending or why. If I want new shoes I buy them. If he wants a new car stereo he buys it. We never discuss our purchases before hand and are not answerable to each other, that's the whole point of having personal money.

I think you have to determine here whether he is trying to hide something, or if he is just like my husband who doesn't want everything in his life to be joint? Maybe you can come up with a compromise like what we have?

Leigh - posted on 12/19/2009

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You've posted an interesting topic Christina. Some of the replies have made me smile (Lori). I've been married for 19 years, and don't hve a joint account with my husband. He has his account, & I have mine, although I do control our family finances. I make sure all the bills are paid, and that we have savings and spendings. My husband has no idea, and is not good with money, will spend everything that is in the account like water. We live on a buget which is written up every month on a big white board in our kitchen, so he/teenagers can see what happens with our income. I adjust the budget monthly depending on what we have due. He gets 'his pocket money', which he spends on what ever his heart desires, but once it's gone he has to wait until his next pay day to get any more. If something is coming up/ or he wants to buy something else he just tells me give me my card & I do, no big deal. But once he's done he gives it back. The biggest arguments we used to have early on in our relationship has always been over money. My father taught me great saving/spending habits from when I could understand life is not free, my husband comes from a we only live once live well attitude, so had no foundations to bill paying etc. We've tried many different formulas over the years, like he be responsible for everything & I be given pocket money, but after talking we realised that because it stresses me out not to control our finances, & that my one of my strengths is dealing with our financial health, that I should do it. This also makes me accountable for what happens with our money. My first thoughts for you is to collect all your receipts and write them into a budget on what you are spending.Send it to your husband, so he can see what is needed to keep his family healthy. How did you decide how much your allotment is? It's obvioulsy not enough, so I don't understand how you don't get the majority of what he makes in the allotment with a little left in his account for what ever he spends it on. My husband & I both work, but he pays for the majority of everything, because he earns more than me, but mainly because his role in our family unit is to be the provider. I make sure that he really wants for nothing, and he tells me I make him feel good about himself, by buying him nice clothes, personal items etc. I also think you need to have your own accounts, credit cards, as advised in previous posts & you need to communicate effectively when you can. Lots of luck!!

Kerryn - posted on 12/19/2009

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My husband died suddenly last month. Our main bank account, house and mortgage are all in joint names. Otherwise I would not have been able to access the money until probate is granted. He had a credit card in his name, with me as a secondary card holder - that account was frozen when he died. Only joint accounts remained operational. It's not nice thinking about what would happen if your spouse died, but unfortunately, unless you do think about it, things can get really messy.

C. - posted on 12/18/2009

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Quoting Michelle:

Okay so marriage is supposed to a partnership. It shouldn't be his money it should be both of yours. To make it worse it sounds as if your money is his money and his money is his. I would talk about it. What would you do if he couldn't get you your "allowance" and you couldn't buy groceries for your family. If something happened to him you'd be in trouble. It's in the best interest of your family to have a joint account. Just lay it out for him. It's for your family. Your finances should not be a secret. Again if something happened to your husband (injury, death, or anything else) you couldn't take care of your family properly. He must see that as something that's important regardless of his trust issues. Don't give up and don't let this go! It's for your family.


The Allotment automatically comes out of his account when he gets paid. My problem though, is sometimes- most of the time- it's just not enough. My mom has to pitch in a lot b/c I run out of money and can't buy diapers and milk, etc. for my son by the end of the month. Thank you for posting. I'll continue to talk to him about it. I haven't been able to talk to him since the 15th, so hopefully I will get to soon unless they had a Blackout (where they cut all communication if someone dies so they can notify the family(ies) properly). 

C. - posted on 12/18/2009

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Quoting Michelle:

Okay so marriage is supposed to a partnership. It shouldn't be his money it should be both of yours. To make it worse it sounds as if your money is his money and his money is his. I would talk about it. What would you do if he couldn't get you your "allowance" and you couldn't buy groceries for your family. If something happened to him you'd be in trouble. It's in the best interest of your family to have a joint account. Just lay it out for him. It's for your family. Your finances should not be a secret. Again if something happened to your husband (injury, death, or anything else) you couldn't take care of your family properly. He must see that as something that's important regardless of his trust issues. Don't give up and don't let this go! It's for your family.


The Allotment automatically comes out of his account when he gets paid. My problem though, is sometimes- most of the time- it's just not enough. My mom has to pitch in a lot b/c I run out of money and can't buy diapers and milk, etc. for my son by the end of the month. Thank you for posting. I'll continue to talk to him about it. I haven't been able to talk to him since the 15th, so hopefully I will get to soon unless they had a Blackout (where they cut all communication if someone dies so they can notify the family(ies) properly). 

C. - posted on 12/18/2009

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Quoting Shelagh:

Hmm, in your first sentence you say 'I have been trying to get my husband to get a joint bank account for us'. Why?
Why don't you go to the bank and set up the joint account yourself?


I can't, Shelagh. I don't have his passwords for his bank account and even though I am his wife, they still won't let me.. My husband has to be the one to do it. I do, however, have a POA.. But I know that if I used that to make his account our account, he would be livid.

Michelle - posted on 12/18/2009

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Okay so marriage is supposed to a partnership. It shouldn't be his money it should be both of yours. To make it worse it sounds as if your money is his money and his money is his. I would talk about it. What would you do if he couldn't get you your "allowance" and you couldn't buy groceries for your family. If something happened to him you'd be in trouble. It's in the best interest of your family to have a joint account. Just lay it out for him. It's for your family. Your finances should not be a secret. Again if something happened to your husband (injury, death, or anything else) you couldn't take care of your family properly. He must see that as something that's important regardless of his trust issues. Don't give up and don't let this go! It's for your family.

[deleted account]

If your DH god forbid was to be seriously injured or die you would have NO MONEY until probate. Here in Australia that can take 6 weeks minimum. I have a power of attorney that my husband signed just after we were married and he sailed to the gulf. That entitles me to make any decisions in regards to anything in his life whilst he is away from home. I have internet access to all our accounts, I log into mine and all the accounts come up. The kids every ones.
I have always said that if something happened to him I wouldnt have any money. So under that assumption he is ok. Surely ok he has lent money in the past but he is NOT lending it to you. You are using it as being part of HIS family.
My DH came to me with lots of debt when we met 11 years ago. We have since paid that all off and while I have been at home with the kids and he has been earning then we use his money.

Shelagh - posted on 12/18/2009

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Hmm, in your first sentence you say 'I have been trying to get my husband to get a joint bank account for us'. Why?

Why don't you go to the bank and set up the joint account yourself?

Lois - posted on 12/16/2009

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my ex would not give me money for the basic needs of myself or the kids,one Sunday the one pair of jeans that I had that weren't patched were in the wash ........so I wore one of the pairs that had big patches on the butt. TO CHURCH. He was pulled aside by someone,and I was handed $100 to buy myself some jeans ( I made that money cover the kids back-packs underware ,sox.,one outfit each and back to school supplies)He was angry with me, for not getting new jeans and I had to explain that their clothes were in WORSE shape than mine were. It wasn't about money,he was making more than enough,he just wanted to spend it on his cars-not on clothes for the kids or me. Maybe you can talk to his Mother or someone else he respects ,and get across the point that it makes HIM look bad when you have to go begging for things.Maybe you need a third partie to help develope a buget-one that is realistic for what you have as income.If he isn't willing to work on some kind of compramise where you have some say in how money is spent,then your maraige as a whole will suffer.

Tracey - posted on 12/16/2009

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I think determining how you spend your money is the #1 communication tool you can have in your marriage. If you know how you want to spend,save, pay debt, move up to bigger and better stuff.. then you are communicating wonderfully! If you can't discuss money and learn to trust each other with it and that each of you would follow a plan you put together yourself.. then you have much bigger problems than just whose names are on the bank account.
As for the "lending money"... never lend cause its just ruins friendships. If you can afford to lend it-- you can afford to give it in a time of crisis.
Thats just my 2 cents :)

Lori - posted on 12/16/2009

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Your husband needs a swift kick in the nether regions- I would tell him everytime he wants you to send him something- Sorry don't have the money- if you want it up my allotment. And as for the power of attorney- if he dies it is automatically null and void- you still have to wait for probate to be able to touch the accounts. Had a friend go thru that. If push comes to shove you need to have a talk with his first sgt. they can make him up the allotment amount. By military regs he has to give you enough to support you and your child for all incidentals. If he can't trust you with the bank account I am sorry you don't have a marriage. I have been married to the same man for 23 years and always had a joint account.l when he deploys we have the joint the he has a separate that I drop money into as he needs.

Natasha - posted on 12/16/2009

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Quoting Christina:



Quoting Natasha:

I have worked in the Banking industry for 7 years. Most couples have joint accounts, however it was definitely not uncommon for couples to have seperate banking. Usually in those cases, there was 'his' account, 'her' account and 'their' account. Maybe this is a compromise for you both, as he seems just as determined to have his own account? Maybe his wages can go into the 'joint' account and an automatic transfer can go into each of your own accounts?



Thanks for your reply, Natasha. Though I have already stated in both my original post and in a reply to someone else that I have already suggested that to my husband, as that is the way I think it should be. Thank you for taking the time to reply though. That was very thoughtful :) Have a nice day/night!












Maybe he does not realise the effects to you and your family, if you cannot access the major funds in an emergency should he pass away? Seeing as the general consensus is in agreeance with you, it might be an idea to show him this post? He may not understand how" typical" family finances are arranged, as has been discussed in this topic.

C. - posted on 12/16/2009

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Quoting Natasha:

I have worked in the Banking industry for 7 years. Most couples have joint accounts, however it was definitely not uncommon for couples to have seperate banking. Usually in those cases, there was 'his' account, 'her' account and 'their' account. Maybe this is a compromise for you both, as he seems just as determined to have his own account? Maybe his wages can go into the 'joint' account and an automatic transfer can go into each of your own accounts?


Thanks for your reply, Natasha. Though I have already stated in both my original post and in a reply to someone else that I have already suggested that to my husband, as that is the way I think it should be. Thank you for taking the time to reply though. That was very thoughtful :) Have a nice day/night!

Natasha - posted on 12/16/2009

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I have worked in the Banking industry for 7 years. Most couples have joint accounts, however it was definitely not uncommon for couples to have seperate banking. Usually in those cases, there was 'his' account, 'her' account and 'their' account. Maybe this is a compromise for you both, as he seems just as determined to have his own account? Maybe his wages can go into the 'joint' account and an automatic transfer can go into each of your own accounts?

C. - posted on 12/15/2009

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Quoting Sharon:



Quoting Christina:

Sharon, that is just awful that he said that to his daughter!!!! Poor girl.. Being over there does make people different though. I don't doubt that some of his buddies are telling him stuff.. I'm going to talk to him about it when he comes back for R&R for two weeks, should be sometime in May. It's a ways away, but I would much rather talk about it in person than over Skype.

I have a POA (Power of Attorney) so if anything happened to him, I would be able to take care of his account, take care of the car, get our belongings out of storage, etc. So that helps. I just don't like not being trusted. I know what it's like to have trust issues with people, but we are married.. You should be able to trust the person you married ESPECIALLY if they have NEVER given a reason NOT to be trusted.

I hate the fact that he thinks I should ask his MOM for money if I need it! I shouldn't have to!!! OH, and last month I over-drafted BOTH my accounts (Checking AND Savings) b/c there were last minute things that I had to pick up before I got my Allotment money, some of it was stuff to send to him and the other stuff was allergy medicine for myself, toiletries, diapers, etc. My MOTHER had to take money (more than $100!) out of her account and deposit it to mine, just so they wouldn't charge me an over-draft fee. He still thinks he is giving me enough money every month. Sorry, but when you have to pay a little bit of rent every month, you still have to buy diapers, baby/toddler-friendly foods/snacks, wipes, clothes b/c your son grows like a weed and it's starting to get cold out.. It all adds up and I usually end up with no money at the end of the month. Thankfully my mom is very generous and helps out if I need her to, but I am so tired of having to have others help me! I don't think my husband realizes just how frustrating that is when I am supposed to be 21, but I am being treated like I'm 16. Thank you all for replying.. I really appreciate it. If anyone else has any suggestions or has been in the same situation, please feel free to share :)





psh!  Being military is about giving and taking help.  Its weird and it takes time to get used to but thats what its about.  sorta, that and saving our country and freedoms, rights, lol all that stuff.






I wonder if you could try to shame him into either more househol money or the joint account.....






Like take a picture of the baby is clothes that are to small.  "Look at me dad!  I"m like you and growing to be a big boy.  To bad I gotta go out in public looking like trailer trash kids...." could be a caption?  LMAO  Or a picture of the baby in a onsie/shorts/t-shirt and a picture of the temperature 38f side by side "thanks for thinking of me dad!  I'm just a baby with poor body temperature control, but really!!  I'll be ok in this spiffy summer outfit during our coldest months!"






Whatcha think?





Omg, Sharon! Lol.. Oh wow.. That's horrible.. I almost woke my son up I was laughing so hard.. Thanks for that  :)



I grew up in a Military family, but I still want to be able to take care of things w/o having to rely on everyone else to give me money if I need it b/c my husband won't.. I don't know.. We'll see. I think if I did try that guilt trip on him, he would probably ask his mom to buy our son some clothes.. He always seems to find a way around getting a joint account! I just don't understand the way he thinks sometimes! 

Sharon - posted on 12/15/2009

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Quoting Christina:

Sharon, that is just awful that he said that to his daughter!!!! Poor girl.. Being over there does make people different though. I don't doubt that some of his buddies are telling him stuff.. I'm going to talk to him about it when he comes back for R&R for two weeks, should be sometime in May. It's a ways away, but I would much rather talk about it in person than over Skype.

I have a POA (Power of Attorney) so if anything happened to him, I would be able to take care of his account, take care of the car, get our belongings out of storage, etc. So that helps. I just don't like not being trusted. I know what it's like to have trust issues with people, but we are married.. You should be able to trust the person you married ESPECIALLY if they have NEVER given a reason NOT to be trusted.

I hate the fact that he thinks I should ask his MOM for money if I need it! I shouldn't have to!!! OH, and last month I over-drafted BOTH my accounts (Checking AND Savings) b/c there were last minute things that I had to pick up before I got my Allotment money, some of it was stuff to send to him and the other stuff was allergy medicine for myself, toiletries, diapers, etc. My MOTHER had to take money (more than $100!) out of her account and deposit it to mine, just so they wouldn't charge me an over-draft fee. He still thinks he is giving me enough money every month. Sorry, but when you have to pay a little bit of rent every month, you still have to buy diapers, baby/toddler-friendly foods/snacks, wipes, clothes b/c your son grows like a weed and it's starting to get cold out.. It all adds up and I usually end up with no money at the end of the month. Thankfully my mom is very generous and helps out if I need her to, but I am so tired of having to have others help me! I don't think my husband realizes just how frustrating that is when I am supposed to be 21, but I am being treated like I'm 16. Thank you all for replying.. I really appreciate it. If anyone else has any suggestions or has been in the same situation, please feel free to share :)


psh!  Being military is about giving and taking help.  Its weird and it takes time to get used to but thats what its about.  sorta, that and saving our country and freedoms, rights, lol all that stuff.



I wonder if you could try to shame him into either more househol money or the joint account.....



Like take a picture of the baby is clothes that are to small.  "Look at me dad!  I"m like you and growing to be a big boy.  To bad I gotta go out in public looking like trailer trash kids...." could be a caption?  LMAO  Or a picture of the baby in a onsie/shorts/t-shirt and a picture of the temperature 38f side by side "thanks for thinking of me dad!  I'm just a baby with poor body temperature control, but really!!  I'll be ok in this spiffy summer outfit during our coldest months!"



Whatcha think?

Nicole - posted on 12/15/2009

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You have had so much feedback Christina, good luck with taking a step forward with this one. You need to though as it is obviously something that is making you unhappy. I have had four children and stayed home for awhile and then worked part-time. Now that they are grown I have been full-time for a few years. We had a joint account while I was at home and I NEVER felt guilty about spending money sensibly, like you shouldn't either. You are working together for the same things, your family. We still have the joint account and both have separate ones too. I haven't used my separate one for years, and I don't think he does much either, but it's not like I check. Trust is a huge thing. Just keep being honest with him about how you feel about it. My husband did have to get his head around not having his 'own' money at first, most of them do.

C. - posted on 12/15/2009

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Sharon, that is just awful that he said that to his daughter!!!! Poor girl.. Being over there does make people different though. I don't doubt that some of his buddies are telling him stuff.. I'm going to talk to him about it when he comes back for R&R for two weeks, should be sometime in May. It's a ways away, but I would much rather talk about it in person than over Skype.



I have a POA (Power of Attorney) so if anything happened to him, I would be able to take care of his account, take care of the car, get our belongings out of storage, etc. So that helps. I just don't like not being trusted. I know what it's like to have trust issues with people, but we are married.. You should be able to trust the person you married ESPECIALLY if they have NEVER given a reason NOT to be trusted.



I hate the fact that he thinks I should ask his MOM for money if I need it! I shouldn't have to!!! OH, and last month I over-drafted BOTH my accounts (Checking AND Savings) b/c there were last minute things that I had to pick up before I got my Allotment money, some of it was stuff to send to him and the other stuff was allergy medicine for myself, toiletries, diapers, etc. My MOTHER had to take money (more than $100!) out of her account and deposit it to mine, just so they wouldn't charge me an over-draft fee. He still thinks he is giving me enough money every month. Sorry, but when you have to pay a little bit of rent every month, you still have to buy diapers, baby/toddler-friendly foods/snacks, wipes, clothes b/c your son grows like a weed and it's starting to get cold out.. It all adds up and I usually end up with no money at the end of the month. Thankfully my mom is very generous and helps out if I need her to, but I am so tired of having to have others help me! I don't think my husband realizes just how frustrating that is when I am supposed to be 21, but I am being treated like I'm 16. Thank you all for replying.. I really appreciate it. If anyone else has any suggestions or has been in the same situation, please feel free to share :)

Lois - posted on 12/15/2009

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well this is about power-not money,he sees what he has as "HIS" and what you have as "OURS". He wants to be the boss and you a much junior partner. This is very bad for you,he can and will keep controle over the money .the story about not getting payed back is just that -a story that he made up to justify what he is doing.My advice is get a job so that you have some of your own money or you will be a begger in your own home,having to ask for money and justify every thing that you buy .You should know where the money is coming from and where it's going whether he will share that information with you or not.( if he dosn't all you can do is refuse to sign your joint tax return on the basis that you don't know if any of it is true or not!) If something happens to him then you will have a big mess to clean up.

C. - posted on 12/15/2009

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Quoting Kerry:

The best option, in my opinion, is to have at least three accounts. A separate account for each of you, and one joint account. This way, you can each have your own accounts/cards to use as you need them w/out worrying about whether the balance has dropped due to a purchase the other has made recently, AND you have the joint to pay for the family's needs - rent/mortgage, utilities, groceries, etc. This way, if you're staying home to raise the children and he's deployed, he'll have a more clear picture of the family's needs ("wow, you really do need more than I'd been giving you"), and there's (hopefully) less tension between the two of you when it comes to finances.

He's been burned before so I can understand his attitude towards money, but you're his wife. Try and have an open, calm, discussion with him about what the family's needs are and let him know that you want to be able to take care of his family while he's away so it's one less thing for him to worry about. He's got enough on his plate being deployed, he shouldn't worry about whether you have money for groceries or other necessities. Maybe if you put it that way, he'll come around. If not, it may be a good idea to discuss meeting with a financial planner... or, if the trust issue is deeper than that, maybe even a marriage counselor. Remember, some people go to marriage counseling for tune ups - not for complete overhauls. ;-)

Good luck!


I put in the original post that I have thought about the 3 accounts.. He doesn't think it's a good idea. But thanks anyway!

C. - posted on 12/15/2009

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Quoting Betsy:

I'm with you. Your not playing house. You're a family. In a family, he needs to give up the control because it is shared control. If he can't trust you with the family money, how can he trust you as his wife and raising his child? You are being in a position where you have to ask him for money, which doesn't work. You are not a child, and he is not your father, and BTW if he wants to play Daddy, no woman wants to be romantic with her father figure...remind him of that. You want a partner. We've been together for a long time and always had joint accounts as the money is our money, for us to decide how to spend/save together as we run a family household. Truth is, money is power and control, as well as freedom. He wants to hold all of that which doesn't lead to a successful marriage. Ask him if he would be happy if suppose he got injured, and you were making the family income, which he had no access to and had to ask permission to obtain the money normally needed daily to live and raise a child like a minor child would. Would he be happy and feel like your partner in life? Probably not, so he can't expect you to be happy living like that. You are in a young new marriage, which is the time to build a foundation of trust to last a lifetime, which he isn't doing by holding on to all the finances with a tight grip. You have every right, as an equal partner in this marriage, to speak up and tell him that's unacceptable and disrespectful. What if he was away and a sudden expense comes up for your son. Are you suppose to be stuck and wait for the king to come home to allow you to provide for this child? You're the mother, and you need the ability to handle things that come up daily. PS, never ever refer to it as his money....it is your money too.


I have actually brought that up about if he ever got injured and I was to bring home the bacon.. His reply was, I don't mind asking you for money! Ugh!!! He had a similar reply when I told him that I thought his friend's wife *Ahem* "wanted" him b/c she would always invite him over and tell him to leave "your wife and baby at home".. I told him how would he feel if everything was reversed and I was in the military and a coworker's husband kept inviting me over and to leave my husband and son at home? His reply was that he couldn't say anything against it unless he was in that situation.. 



But thank you for replying. And you hit the nail on the head with no one wanting to be romantic with her father..



Oh and the sudden expense.. His reply was to ask his mom for money and he would pay her back!!!!! I have a hard time feeling like it's "our" money though when I have to ask him for it. He gives me an Allotment, but if ever I need an increase on it, I have to ask him for it! Idk..

C. - posted on 12/15/2009

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Quoting Donna:

Yes....sharing is what marriage is about...there should be no reason not to. If he trusted you enough to marry you and he trusts you enough to have his child, whats the problem?..It was always my understanding that you pay a child and allowance...you provide your spouse with money needed its called a BUDGET. And if something happens to him, and your account is not a joint bank account...where dose the balance of the money go that may be in the account...? You two need to either get some counseling...or accept being a two person marriage...not a couple.


Uh, thank you.. We have done the whole counseling thing, but since that was the least of our problems at the time, that was on the back burner in our counseling sessions. I have a POA so if anything happened to him while he is deployed, I could take care of his account, the car, get everything shipped from Hawaii back to the East coast of the US, etc. I have been tempted to use the POA and get a joint account while he's gone, but I know that if and when he found out about that, he would definitely never trust me with anything.

Debi - posted on 12/15/2009

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My husband was like that until we got married, then he couldn't put my name on the account and all the bills fast enough! lol He was really bad at forgetting to pay them, then I would wake up to the phone cut off or whatever else cut off! :s But I would maybe broach the conversation by telling him that it is best that if God forbid anything ever happen to him that you would need to be able to access his account. I believe you should always prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Amy - posted on 12/15/2009

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I think you need a joint account, and don't think there's anything wrong with also having separate accounts. He needs to start thinking in the since of it's FAMILY money, not his money.

My husband and I got ourselves a joint account before we got married, that way we could save for the wedding. Right now, we have one checking and one savings account that we both share. He also does all of the finance stuff, so having too many accounts makes it more difficult. If he just manages everything, it's SO much easier. We also do have a budget, so honestly I haven't bought anything in forever (except a debit card for gas)! I'm also the one that works and he's at home, so he has more time for it.

I think that to help him feel better about the joint account that you two sit down and discuss what his fears are and try to find solutions to it. It's understandable that he feels that way, and you just need to find a way to make him feel "safe". My husband had credit card issues before we were married, and because of that he hates them and refuses to use one, it's good to have one if you need it, but in general we just don't use one ever.

I don't think you should give up the fight about allowances, if you don't like it that way talk with him and try to find a better solution.

Michelle - posted on 12/15/2009

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i really want to reply to this. it isn't so much about the money as it is about TRUST. why can't he trust you? if you have givin him no reason for this then you need to examin your situation a little better. how do you feel knowing you are considered untrustworthy? now, without damning him he has an underlying issue with trust be it from friends or family it is HIS issue being reflected on to you. my husband has issues as well as i do. when we can recognize this and see it as an opportunity for growth and a deeper union in the marriage it is just a learning tool to help us grow closer. don't take his issues too much to heart it's his issue and you are there to mirror that back at him so he can then learn and grow from this. all the while being supportive of yourself and knowing YOU ARE trustworthy and are deserving of such trust just as you are trusted with the raising of your child/ren. love yourself enough to advocate in a healthy manner that this trust is needed for the betterment of your marriage and your family. I magine what it would feel like for you and your husband to feel more trusting with each other, that would be great, wouldn't it? sometimes in order to get what we need from our spouses we first have to show them, show him how much you trust him and know you deserve that in return. how great is that when a child learns love and trust by witnessing their parents love for each other. good luck to you :)

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Quoting Krista:

You cannot continue with him just giving you an allowance. What if (heaven forbid) something happened to him? If all the money is in his name, the accounts would be FROZEN by the bank until they get the death certificate and until the will is read, at which time the money would be transferred to your attorney to be distributed to you. That could take weeks. You've got kids to feed and bills to pay.

I would ask him, flat-out: "If something happens to you, and all the accounts are in your name, what do you think will happen?"


One of my friends always gets "power of attorney" when her husband is deployed.  This helps with many different matters.   Might be something you could look into?

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