Judgemental mothers....

Adina - posted on 05/31/2012 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I wanted to be on this website to get friendly advice for the things I don't understand or just have someone who has went threw the things I am going threw to talk to and get some help. But is what I have found out from being on this site is that alot of these mothers or soon to be mothers are more jugdemental about things you post or questions you have. I am sorry if I am not a perfect mother, but my daughter is healthy, growing the way she should, she doesn't get abused, she is advanced for her age, and most of all she is loved. So why is it that when this website is suppost to be supportive for mothers, it turns out that some people are on here to just judge.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Medic - posted on 05/31/2012

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Generally most are helpful......when majority does not agree then maybe you need to take a look at yourself and reevaluate what you are doing. There is no where you will ever be in life where everyone agrees with you 100%. Welcome to adulthood.

Krista - posted on 05/31/2012

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Adina, please keep in mind that this site has well over a million members. Amongst a million people ANYWHERE, you will find people who do not agree with you, or who may judge you.

The key is to be discerning when reading through the comments. Ignore the odd person who is judging you. However, if virtually everybody is making the same point, then perhaps it IS something that you need to honestly consider. I haven't read the post to which you're referring, and so will not comment on that specifically, but in general, MOST of the women here are genuinely helpful and sincere.

Adina - posted on 06/07/2012

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I just don't like how you post something like my smoking one, I wasn't asking anyone what they thought about me smoking!!! I could careless what people on here thought about that!! I wanted to know if my baby still could be pushing on my dyifram since she has moved down. Or if it was because I started smoking, yeah I know smoking cause breathing problems but I didn't know it caused it that fast. So thats why I had a problem about it because some of the posts people wrote back was just judging me on smoking a couple cigarettes. Which i'll let everyone know I don't smoke anymore which it wasn't like I was a die hard smoker to begin with. But I am not leaving this site some of the ladies on here are nice and helpful...others are just rude and most likely have a problem keeping their mouths shut in person anyways. So i feel like I am a nice person who wont give out hurtful advice and write my posts in a nice way....

Medic - posted on 06/06/2012

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First of all making blanket statements is what seems to get people in trouble on these sites. No not every mother drinks caffine or takes meds while pregnant. You are opening yourself to the opinions of others and sadly you cannot dictate who and how they respond to your posts. Some people are just blunt and over then internet that can possibly come across as being "rude". If you don't like it then leave, if you like it stay, no one is holding anyone hostage here. You have to be able to take the good with the bad.

Dove - posted on 06/01/2012

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I can only recall reading your smoking post. I apologize for my harsh reaction, but considering that I am allergic to cigarette smoke I am very well aware of just how harmful even a small amount can be and just couldn't fathom why in the world anyone would ever START smoking while pregnant.

If you truly hate it here, might I suggest leaving. Don't take that to mean I think you SHOULD leave, but you are getting people from all over the world and all different backgrounds and walks of life when you post here and you can't control what people do or do not post (except in regards to THUMPS). All you can do is control YOUR reaction to what people post. Admonishing grown women who have a different opinion than yours to 'grow up' is not going to help anything here.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/07/2012

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Adina,

You're on a site that has over a million members world wide, and you expect everyone to be peaches and cream and play nice?

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way in person either, if you think about it.

I recall your smoking post, and I probably did respond to it, don't recall what I said if I did, but honey, you need to realize that if you're gonna put it out on the internet for anyone and their dog to respond to, you're going to get responses that you aren't fond of, that upset you, that flat out piss you off! That's what happens when you ask for opinions. People give them. And you get their opinions not only about your current question, but everything else that's related as well.

From what I saw, you got fairly good responses on the smoking thread, and if you're pissed that some of us said that your smoking CAN cause the problems that you are experiencing, and that you really should find alternate forms of stress relief, well, I'm sorry, but you did ask for opinions. You can't throw out a phrase like "I'm pregnant, just started smoking, and wonder if my baby is causing my breathing problems.", and expect people to react with smiles and hugs and kudos for smoking while pregnant! Good grief, lady, I smoke, but i did NOT while pregnant. It was hard, but that's what I did. So, yes, we're going to recommend that you stop the behaviour that is most likely the cause of your distress. However, YOU are the only one that can act on those recommendations. By acting, I mean you either heed them and do something to change, or you choose not to heed them. Well, if you choose not to heed them, then for crying out loud, get over the responses you aren't happy about!

Not everyone is going to respond with what you want to hear, just because you want to hear it. Most of us are going to speak our minds, pretty bluntly, and move on.

Oh, and even if you "only smoke a couple of times", and you are in any way allergic or sensitive to carcinogens in the smoke, yes, a couple of times WILL affect your breathing in the same way.

I guess, the way I look at it is this: We're all adults. Since the polite police don't exist, we should make every attempt to be civil. However, I also take into account that this is the internet. ANYTHING can be misconstrued, taken out of context, etc, because you cannot hear inflection in the written word.

My recommendation is to re-word how you post things to avoid the controversial parts that you don't want to be criticized or "judged" about, and put on your thick skin while reading responses. Read them from a neutral point of view, rather than expecting people to judge.

Michelle - posted on 06/07/2012

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Adina...good for you. I am glad..You are telling your side and that is good.

The smoking post. I didn't read..But what you just wrote on your post..Yes a baby can lay on your diaphram and cause you to not breath properly. My mom had that problem and she didn't smoke at all. Besides, if you smoked only a couple of times, no, I don't think that would be the cause. The baby was laying on your diapham.
Wanted to let you know that.

Michelle - posted on 06/07/2012

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"If you don't like it, leave. If you like it , stay"...Well in my opinion on that.. If you don't like what someone says...Say what you think about what they say and throw your opinion out there. I am the type to not let someone run over me. If someone don't like what my post says...Who cares...I put my opinion out there, like all others...They are no better than me and the same goes my way, I am no better that them.

Michelle - posted on 06/01/2012

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Adina, I don't know your life or what is going on in it. If you are happy with your life, then live and let live. Don't worry about what others say. Take care of you and your baby and children. That is what matters most. If someone don't like how you are...Tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine.Plain and simple...Some people judge all because they are unsure of themselves.

Michelle - posted on 06/01/2012

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Adina,
This is my opinion. If someone says something to you, wether it is 52 people saying the same thing, doesn't mean that it is correct. I cannot judge you for living with your boyfriend and having children with him for 7 years. I do believe in God, But in my opinion, you are already married in God's eyes. If you feel your lifestyle is good for you, then that is what matters. No this post don't have nothing to do with you and your baby during pregnancy of smoking. I don't want you to get upset. But, do think, what you do while pregnancy can hurt your baby. Your baby is still growing and being consumed by what you give. Yes, caffine and meds is the same. You are the only one who has the choice to do what you see fit. But I do hope and pray that you will think of your baby. I am not disrespecting you. Please don't think I am. As for others acting like a butt to you... Don't worry about them. I've had so many attack me all because I believe in God. Stand tall and stay with what you believe in.Take care and best wishes with your pregnancy.

Adina - posted on 05/31/2012

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Medic Mommy, I have been in the adult world. And there has been other posts in which people was very rude to me because I am not married and have children with my boyfriend of 7 years. I understand people are rude and all that. But is what I am saying is people can word things differantly. I have had some great advice and some nice people have talked to me. I am a very nice person or atleast I try to be. And about me smoking, this day in age people use hard drugs when they are pregant. Yes I know that smoking and being pregant is harmful, but you guys are taking it as if I have been smoking the whole time I have been pregant. I have only smoked a couple times. I mean drinking caffine is harmful to your baby, but I bet everyone on here drinks some form of it. Even taking OTC meds may be harmful yet women take it during their pregancies. Like I said before I am 38 weeks my baby is fully developed, she isnt going to have any of the side affects or even birth deffects of me smoking a cigarrette now and then. Thats not even why I posted it to have people say "stop smoking" I wanted to know if the baby still could be pushing on my diapham and making it hard to breathe. And I never once said I wanted support in smoking.....so please read posts a little better....I am getting to hate this website because I like said Iv posted other things and havent had many nice people respond...people honestly just need to grow up....why would you tell someone whos grown to stop smoking its harmful, its not christian to have children out of wedlock....its 2012 not 1910!!!

Adina - posted on 05/31/2012

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Medic Mommy, I have been in the adult world. And there has been other posts in which people was very rude to me because I am not married and have children with my boyfriend of 7 years. I understand people are rude and all that. But is what I am saying is people can word things differantly. I have had some great advice and some nice people have talked to me. I am a very nice person or atleast I try to be. And about me smoking, this day in age people use hard drugs when they are pregant. Yes I know that smoking and being pregant is harmful, but you guys are taking it as if I have been smoking the whole time I have been pregant. I have only smoked a couple times. I mean drinking caffine is harmful to your baby, but I bet everyone on here drinks some form of it. Even taking OTC meds may be harmful yet women take it during their pregancies. Like I said before I am 38 weeks my baby is fully developed, she isnt going to have any of the side affects or even birth deffects of me smoking a cigarrette now and then. Thats not even why I posted it to have people say "stop smoking" I wanted to know if the baby still could be pushing on my diapham and making it hard to breathe. And I never once said I wanted support in smoking.....so please read posts a little better....I am getting to hate this website because I like said Iv posted other things and havent had many nice people respond...people honestly just need to grow up....why would you tell someone whos grown to stop smoking its harmful, its not christian to have children out of wedlock....its 2012 not 1910!!!

Kaitlin - posted on 05/31/2012

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I'm sorry you feel so judged. Certainly it happens to all of us, and everyone does indeed do it, as none of us are perfect and make the right decisions all the time.
If this is about your smoking post, I am not judging you as a person, but the choice you made is dangerous, and you should really see your doctor.

Krista - posted on 05/31/2012

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And if it is your post about smoking that you are speaking of...well, I'm sorry, but in this day and age, you simply are NOT going to find too many people who are supportive of the idea of smoking during pregnancy. Please go see your doctor -- you are harming yourself and you are harming your baby.

Michelle - posted on 05/31/2012

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Adina, I have had posts that I have started. Well to me many people judges you for what you believe in or things you may say. In my opinion there isn't too many people who are supportive at all, they are more judging and criticizing to things you say.
If you are happy with life the way it is and of course noone is perfect. Neither am I. I guess when someone writes something and the other don't agree with them. well an argument turns out. One thinks they are right about something and the other is wrong and vice versa. I will amit, that I am not a saint, I have looked at what others say and don't agree, I state my opinions on the subject.But what many don't realize , some things that is written can be very hurtful, even though you haven't met the person face to face. Some just likes to bully, I guess and thinks they are better than the rest. I don't feel that I am better than anyone, I only put my opinion in there. I do try to appologize if I affend anyone. I never mean to affend anyone. I want to treat others the same way as I want to be treated, but I guess it don't always work out that way. If someone puts you down and criticizes or judges you, it's best to let it go.

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