Keeping my son away from my mom

Nancy - posted on 07/01/2010

Everyone you choose to have in your life should lift you up, not tear you down. Trust your insticts and cut her off. Your son doesn't need the drama and neither do you or your new husband.
Be well.

Angelica - posted on 07/01/2010

My mother is a completely negative human being too and I will not have her poisoning my son with her crap.
If you and your mother aren't on good terms, then you shouldn't have your child around that. Because chances are, she'll be taking that negativity and feeding it to your child. My mother did the same until I cut her off.

Cecilia - posted on 07/01/2010

Wow...do we have the same mother?!?...lol but on a serious note. My son is going to be 7mos and I too don't speak to my mother. Like yourself..we never got along and she wasn't much of a mother either. Anyhow, I keep her away because the drama was effecting me emotionally and my baby sensed that and I just had to walk away and say enough. Not just for me, but for my baby and my sanity!
So, no I don't think your wrong. The last thing you want to do is create that cycle of anger inside with your baby. Grandparent or not. They should realize there actions do have an inpact on children even if there babies. Babies are very smart and absorb emotions and that snot one you want anyone sharing with your baby! So I think your doing the right thing... It's an easy fix for your mother...Grow up and respect You and your family...or stay away! Let the ball lay in her court awhile.

I understand how difficult if must be when family gets involved without knowing the truth....frustrating. But again, focus on YOU and your baby...it's their loss not yours. They will come around...trust me. And if they don't, you did the right thing by saving your child from such poisoned ppl inside!!

Goos luck!

Bonnie - posted on 07/01/2010

Always remember your mother is your mother and when she is gone you will miss her veryday of the rest of your life. Trust me it will happen no matter what kind of childhood or adulthood you've had.

Marj - posted on 07/01/2010

You're absolutely right. As much as we might hope people typically don't change. She isn't going to stop the drama and criticism just around your son. Create your own family through friends and/or church. It's too bad our family's can't be loving and supportive but when they aren't it's best to stay away and not get drug down.

Edina - posted on 07/01/2010

You shouldn't have her around. Anyone who is damaging to your son shouldn't have access to him, family or not. It is your job to protect your son as much as possible, you are doing the right thing.

Alison - posted on 07/01/2010

OMG, I am so sorry you have to go through all that. I know all to well about crazy mothers. I am going through a similar dilemma with my mother-in-law. She has a ton of issues and can't control her neediness. She clings to people, then becomes dependent on them for ALL of her happiness ( which is never enough because she is depressed) and when we want to just have a life and have some time away from her and her personal drama she gets even more clingy and needy.She starts using guilt trips and putting family members against each other in some desperate attempt to keeps us all right where she wants us, which is all up under her! She can't be happy when good things happen if she is not hyper involved. she fakes happiness and pride all the time and tries to put on airs like her life is perfect and then the next day it is a dramatic sob story about how she is gravely ill and going to die any moment (which she is not). This kind of drama is constant, and if I try to talk to her about how this is effecting us, she just shuts down the conversation.She is getting nothing she wants out of life because of her ridiculous behavior, but refuses to see any other point of view. She lies constantly to stir up drama or sympathy for herself also, so I can't even have a simple conversation wiht her because 90% of what comes out of her mouth can't be trusted. I have also heard horrendous stories of what she did to her kids (my husband and his brother and sister) when they were growing up with emotional, physical and psychological abuse. Because of all this I don't want her around my children with out supervision by myself , my husband or someone I trust. I don't talk to her about anything important, and just avoid her unless it is impossible to do so. I only have her over when it is a large group of family members, so she can't monopolize the interactions with our kids or us. It is rough living with someone like this, but it is the only healthy way to protect my kids and keep our sanity intact while not totally cutting all ties with her. My kids are 2 years and 7 months old. We've tried to work with her and keep her in our lives according to how she wanted it, but she was making all of us crazy and since we've put these restrictions on her access to us and the girls things have been much better. So I understand why you are doing what you are with your own mom, and if it is making you and your family happier and safer I say keep at it.

Chelly - posted on 07/01/2010

I'm right with you. I stopped talking to my mom when DD was 6 months, now 17 months. It's healthier for our family that she's not in our lives. It's really difficult I know, because we want to have that wonderful motherly/grandmother role but it needs to be healthy not harmful.

I know it's hard keeping your ground but our babies need us to draw those boundaries too.

Nancy - posted on 07/01/2010

I would not make an effort to have your child around someone like that who would have a negative influence, esp addicted to medication, she could be dangerous for him to be around.
However, I would be careful not to talk bad to him about her. As he grows up, he may ask why she is never around; I would sort of skirt the issue and not say negative things about her. As he gets even older he may choose to get to know her on his own, and you don't want to form his opinions for him. THEY may end up having a great relationship, despite how she feels about you and your husband.

Lynda - posted on 07/01/2010

My guess is you are the only sane person in your family. Your mother should respect you and your husband. Parents sometimes forget that respect goes both ways. Both of my daughter in-laws have similar problems. I had a similar problem with my mother so this is common. When you marry you leave your parents and unite with your spouse. I suggest you read some self help books like "Toxic People". Your husband, children our your #1 priority. If your mother has any sanity left she will come around and want to be a part of your life. If not then go your own way. However you do need to get some support because this is going to be a life long struggle. Good luck!

Melissa - posted on 07/01/2010

I hit send before I was finished. My mom is bi polar and I try to include my son in her life, but sometimes she has nothing to do with him. Right now he's too young to decide, but I'm trying to distance him from that. When he's older, I'll let him choose if he wants a relationship with her or not

Sally - posted on 07/01/2010

Hi Kristina,
i've been married for 23 years, I have always had the phylosophy that, the most important people in my life are the ones inside my front door. There is where your obligations are. We will never really know why some people are so unhappy in their own lives that they need to make others miserable. All you can do as a mother and a wife is to be the best you can and use your best love and judgement to make decisions that will help you maintain that through out your life. The people who really know and love you will know what is true , and that's all that matters. So stay strong, stay happy and enjoy your beautiful son... Sally.

Melissa - posted on 07/01/2010

I don't have a very good relationship with my mother either. My son hardly sees her, my choice. My mom has a few issues and I don't really want him around that. He has a grandmother, my husband's mom, that dotes on him so he's not lacking in that department.

Carla - posted on 07/01/2010

You are right to keep your son away. He is your priority and so is your husband. If your mom can not respect you and your decisions then she is the one who will miss out. If your husband is loving and good to you (no abuse) then she should not dislike him. My mom and I had problems too and I finally told her how I felt and that she would never see my daughter who is three, if she did not change. She is trying, but a lot of it is because my dad and I are very close and he knows if things did not change I would not bring my daughter to visit. He is close with her too. I wish you luck, but without support from other family members, your mom will never change. If you are happy then all you need it who is around you now and who respects you and your family. People do not have to be related to be family. Good Luck.

Janice - posted on 07/01/2010

Tell her why you are not visiting with your son and that you wont be back until she can keep a civil tongue in her head. She should also know that it will be her loss and not your's.It's not worth the aggro and confusion for your son to be told nonsense about his Dad. Be brave. She will need you before you will need her. Good Luck.

Melanie - posted on 07/01/2010

I have recently stopped talking with my mom and sister ,my situation is different,but i have decided that it would be best for me. My mom and sister have always made me feel that their love was stronger then mine for my oldest son Stephen who is 16 ,and i did make some bad chooses like working more being a single parents to provide and leaving him in the care of them. They felt as my mom especially bounded with him as i should of ,causing a lot of resentment not so m=much toward her but to him. Well years went by on several occasions until he was about 9 she would make comments that he loved her more and would be happier with her . Mine and Stephens relation really struggled ,especially when mom came around i was so jealous . When Stephen was about 12 our relationship took off ,he know everything about me and my feeling and jealousy ,well last May Stepehn drowned ,it was the breaking point for our relationship ,i feel i can not cry in front of them because i feel they think i can not hurt as much as they do. When ever i would reach out to them about my hurt ,it always went back to their pain . Their is so much more behind this story but this is good for now. I have done what you are and i feel it is best. Good luck

Misty - posted on 07/01/2010

My mother was addicted to pain pills the whole time i was growing up. I hated it. When i was 16 she got clean for awhile, we got real close. At 18 i moved away by 23 i had to kids. I would take the kids to see her...Then she got to taking the pain pills again. In 2001 I went home to a family emergency, she asked me to stay at her house so i said yes. After being there for about 2 hrs i decided to lie to her and tell her that My husband and I had to go back to home and we left. I went to my fathers house that nite and stayed with him till the next day to go home. I had my two young girls with me and she was so doped up that i did not want my kids around her.

In 2002 I got a phone call that she died in her sleep. I will never forgive my self for not staying at her house that night. She was still my mom and the grandma to my babies. I can never take it back and never change it. Talk to her..tell her this story. Try to work things out...I wish i would have

Kitty - posted on 07/01/2010

my children dont see their grand father (my dad) and never will. long story but he kick me (and my mum) out, changing the locks putting on pad locks and didnt want anything to do with me because he moved a new woman into the family home. my thinking was if he clams not to have a daughter why should he be worried he never see or knows anything about his grand children. i know its different but you only want the best for your child. my brothers dont have anything to do with my children either. my partners family are all they need and they have all the love we have to give.
hope this makes you feel i bit better
~x~x~

Barb - posted on 07/01/2010

Stay true to yourself--i didn't have healthy boundaries around my mother-in-law and I made the mistake of leaving the kids with them overnight--it was a nightmare and it took the kids ( and us) a long time to get over them being spanked and treated as though they were BAD kids!!

Kelly - posted on 07/01/2010

No you are his mom and you have every right to protect him. I would just let your mom know that until she can give respect to you and your husband and stop the bad mouthing that you will not place your child in that environment. Also I would start saving any e-mails, voice phone recordings or proof of her actions just in case she tries to take it to court. I believe that has happened before for the grandparents seeking rights. Not sure if common but it wouldn't hurt. Also might be good to slap the pile down in front of her someday just to show her how often she has been nasty and vicious. For now, and it looks like you have been, stay above it all. Do not return the verbal aggression back. Be firm and polite and set your boundries. If someone calls then just say I will listen to you when you can express your opinions politely and since this conversation is not one of those I am ending the phone call and then just hang up. As far as comments about your husband polite or not I would say they are not welcome. You can tell her I have heard your comments and know your feelings on the issue and I will no longer entertain them.

Kristin - posted on 07/01/2010

I think you are doing the right thing. My mom is the same way except she is not addicted to pain meds. My son was born 17wks early and my mom pitched a fit becuase I let my step children go in and see him before her. We had her removed from the list of people that could go in and see my son at the hospital. My mom and I were not close when I was growing up either. I don't like drama in my life and it almost cased my husband and I to break up over it. My life has been much easier without her in it. It's sad to have to say but true. I miss what I see my friends have with there moms but I know that with my mom there is always what i call a "price' to pay for being around her. Either I get upset or my husband or my son. Sometimes its better to just cut them off. God has brought some pretty great people in my life to kinda fill that role for me. My son has a great couple to call maw-maw and paw-paw. Just pray about it. God will work it out for you!

Tamara - posted on 07/01/2010

yeah i would say never introduce your baby to her lol! your child doesnt need to grow up with that kind of influence, I believe you are doing the right thing! oh and always remember being a grandparent is a privilege not a right!

Kristy - posted on 07/01/2010

Sorry that comment was in reply to Kelly mees comment

Kristy - posted on 07/01/2010

I agree some people are not lucky to have a good relationship with their parents and until you experience that situation perhaps your comments should be restricted to areas in which you may have a better understanding. I don't think it is wrong to not allow grandparents or other family members access to children if there is good reason I for example come from a family situation where my siblings and I were abused by my parents, and my parents where then and still are very heavily into drugs. I would die before I let my parents near my children. Perhaps think a little harder before making comments

Kristy - posted on 07/01/2010

I know exactly how you feel my mother is the same but perhaps worse in many ways and I have not even allowed her to meet my children. You do what you feel is right and protect your son :)

Sherida - posted on 07/01/2010

soemtimes we don't have a choice in whom we know or who's family we were born into. but we do have a choice in whom we marry and who our marriage family is. don't bad mouth your mom, just continue growing your family and find whatever positive you can in the choices you have made. sometimes you may feel alone in that situation, but remember you have your husband and hoppefully his family is healthy and supportive of you and him and your child.

Kelly - posted on 07/01/2010

im sorry i cant believe you would deny your child and your mother the opportunity to have some sort of relationship. Im very lucky to have a great relationship with my mother but my oldest sister did not (for her reasons) and she has denied my family the opportunity to know my two nephews and this has effected my parents greatly..you need to be a MOTHER and let your children have that relationship.. if you dont want to see her than organise a time to drop him off so she can spend sometime with him .. im sorry but what you are doing is completly selfish

Michelle - posted on 07/01/2010

You know what's best for your child. If possible take the higher ground and don't say anything good or bad about your mother then no-one can tell your son you're as bad as she is. If you feel you need him to have his grandmother invite her to your house then you can supervise them together. Families hey, who'd have them!!

Carla - posted on 07/01/2010

I think it would be a wise idea to keep your son away from her, she would influence him and you need to advoid that, i know she is his grandmother but it all comes down to keeping your child safe and happy, my husband's mum is the same although instead of pain killers she like alcohol! She has never seen my 9month old and i plan to keep it that way we need to protect our kids, also it seams she is really hardly a mother herself if she can't even be happy for you, she may not like him but your are her daughter and should be happy because you are happy xx

Debbi - posted on 07/01/2010

i was in the very same position as yourself with my mother and me. we have had problems since day one. but i still do the right thing and let my mother be part of there life. but let me tell you the best thing is when they get a little bit older they make up there own minds and judgements , and actions speak louder than words. if you know what i mean.

Mrs Asraf - posted on 07/01/2010

my previous post about me trying to keep my baby away from my in-laws had people calling me names, and judging me. im here for support not judgements.



and of course i have my reasons. i dont want my child to be around people who shows no respect for me and my parents. i dont want my child to be around people who belittles my mom. who speaks ill of my mom. who accuses my mom of taking away her son from her. who tries to be in control of my child's life since she was born. grandparents or not/ you are not going anywhere near us.



id suggest. you do whats healthy for you and your baby. ppl say, i am depriving my baby frm the people who loves and adores her. i beg to differ. each time they are around my baby, they will pass insensitive comments. i dont need any drama.



so move on. though the subject is your mom. you wouldnt want your child to be around such negative people.



kids will be fine wo gr

Lydia - posted on 07/01/2010

sweetie cut the ties her negativity will become apart of that innocent child if she is in his life

Dale - posted on 07/01/2010

ok, before i start i haven't read anyone elses replies yet...

you biggest perogative is whats in the best interest for your child, and as his parents it's yours and your husbands job to decide what that is. If you feel like excluding you mother from yours and your childs life is what's in the best interest for your child then you are doing the right thing by excluding her, and the fact that have doubts due to your relationship to her only shows that you are human. When you have doubts ask yourself this, if she wasn't your mother would you accept and tolerate her in your families life?
I understand how difficult it can be emotionally to exclude a mother from ones life, i cut mine from mine and my daughter's 7 months ago because she isn't a healthy person to be around, my mother is an alcoholic and a drug addict who refuses to get help,she backstabs everyone she knows with lies (including her children), she is irrational with a violent temper, and has only ever cared about herself. It is a hard thing to do, but let the fact that you're doing whats best for your child be your courage and your strength.
You'd be surprised by what babies actually do understand and absorb (they're like sponges, they absorb everything from a very very early age) and in my personal opinion it's very disrespectful to be saying negative things about a childs parents where the child (no matter the age) can hear. You're doing the right thing so stay strong

Patsy - posted on 07/01/2010

wow! As a mum you need to do what is right for your son, as hard as it can be. Do some sole seaching. Talk to your husband. What ever your head tells you or what ever you do, do it together and you will find the stranth you will need to get through it. Because it is going to be a long road ahead.

Julie - posted on 07/01/2010

Hi Kristina,what a dilemma!! I can fully understand where youre coming from my daughter is now 12,and has no contact with her grand dad.
As a parent i beleive we have to do what we thinks best for our kids,especially if theyre too young to decide for themselves like your son.We dont get to choose our family,but dosent mean we have to put up with dustructive behaviour,so you stick to your guns babe,and when your sons old enough im sure he will ,like my daughter know you did it for the right reasons and love for them.

Amanda - posted on 07/01/2010

You are completely in the right, keep him away!

I have cut ties and contact with bothmy mother and father, my mother was given the chance to make things right between us when my son was born, I gave her regular updates of his weight and progress and sent her many pictures of him yet she never once called and asked how he was etc etc! (We live in seperate ends of the UK) then when she knew that we were visiting some family up there she called me out of the blue asking how he was as he had had his jabs!! considering he had had them 2 days before the call, I just told her she was 2 months too late asking about him and it ended there, my father then got involved (my parents are divorced) and said if I wasn't going to let my son see my mother then I was not welcome in his house (my father and mother HATE each other!) so I just said that I would not be blackmailed and it was such a shame that he didn't want to be a part of my sons life. They were both invited to his christening last month and suprise suprise they didn't turn up. My mother is a nasty piece of work and my sons life will be richer not having her in it, I will not have anyone hurting him the way they have hurt me over my lifetime....over my dead body!!! So you do what you need to do hun, blood or not, makes no difference!
Good luck xx

Paulla - posted on 07/01/2010

OMG! That sounds so much like my mother! She hates my husband, talks trash about us. My biggest mistake was us buying a house down the street from her when DH retired from the AF. Wish we had settled in another town. We have a 4 yr old that we have had to severely cut ties from. Mostly because of the way my mother talks abt my husband and my religion (Presbyterian). I don't want her talking that trash to our daughter. It did hurt at first, but after a couple of months I realized that w/out her negativity, her drama, her gossiping, etc that my life is so much more upbeat and pleasant. Now I can honestly say I don't miss it at all. W/my mother though, I could never understand why she felt it necessary to stick her nose in my business and tell me how to raise my two girls when she gave me to my grandparents and didn't evern raise me. Regardless, I think my family is better of w/out her. She doesnt' come to my house and isn't invited to any "family" functions like DD pre-k graduation, birthday party or whatever.

Fenique - posted on 07/01/2010

WE DONT HAVE ANY CONTROL OF OTHERS ACTIONS BUT WE ONLY HAVE ONE MOTER AND LONGS AS U STAND UR GROUNDS WITHOUT BEING OUT DISRESPECTFULL THEN I WOULD JUST OVER LOOK IT SOME OR JUST STUCK IN THERE WAYS....

Sandy - posted on 07/01/2010

I have drawn the same line, for many of the same reasons with my own mother. She started *more* drama when I was pregnant with my son about 4 months along, she has never seen him nor my youngest daughter who turned 1 (he's 3 now) and she won't.

As far as I am concerned I have tried multiple times to be the "good daughter" and come to her woman to woman and each time drama ensues, created by her. So it's not really a choice that I made. Since she cannot be an adult about anything her choice was to be that way and in return we are not part of her life and I have to say I am much happier as is the rest of my family now without her meddling.

Yes there are days I feel like I "should" talk to her, and "should" let my children in her life and vice versa, and then I just remember the environment it would put them and all of us into. I have to first and foremost protect them.

Leoni - posted on 07/01/2010

Mother or not, if she is causing upset in you life then keep your head held high and walk away. As parents we are the people to protect our children, do what you think is right. For similar reasons I dont have any contact with my parents, I feel it is my job to protect my daughter Xx

Anne - posted on 06/30/2010

Sounds like you don't need her, move on its her loss. Sell up move away without saying anything. Change your email. If you ever need to contact her with-hold your number when you call, and have a PO BOX for her to send letters too, that way you are in control x

Hope it works out. as long as you have your hubby's love and respect you dont need this negative person in your life x

Sandie - posted on 06/30/2010

It sounds as if you are having quite a problem however you need to realize that there needs to be some understanding on your part as well. I would recommend some counselling for both of you and think it would really help. I had a major communication problem with one of my adult children years ago and we ended up going to a religious counsellor who was a priest in a faith that neither of us belonged to, we were able to work out some major and some minor problems and it helped us to get close again. I advise this for another reason not too long after this counselling our child was killed in an accident, the death of a child is very difficult and if I had still be estranged from him it would have been unbearable.

Jennie - posted on 06/30/2010

Heck no. IF your MOM is talking behind your back to family members she's gonna start brain washing him with lies. People like that never change. My mother ignores her family when there's a man involved. She forgets she has a grandson (first and only). Whenever her "boyfriend" dumps her she comes crying to my sister and then to me. Her drama is exhausting. I did not allow her to the birth of my son and don't regret it on bit. Do what you have to. He's yur son and you are looking out for his well being.

Ada - posted on 06/30/2010

no if your husband is good to you be happy and keep him away from her if she is hooked on pills please think of your sons safety please

Anna - posted on 06/30/2010

I'm sorry that you are going through this. We went through the same thing but it was my sister inlaw. Her drug of choice was Vodka and a lot of it. She told everyone she knows that our unborn baby was not her brothers (my husband). We as a couple decided that as long as she kept drinking she would not be in our childs life and it would be her loss not ours. I would maybe talk to her and let her know your plans on keeping your son out of her life and see if she would change. My sister inlaw did not change and she took her own life last year. I have no regrets and our daughter will know everything about her and the kind of person she was. Again I am sorry for what you are going through and feel sorry for your mom who is losing out on your precious little boy.

Katherine - posted on 06/30/2010

Anymore personal attacks and this thread will be shut down.

April - posted on 06/30/2010

Family is important, but don't let poison touch your family when you can help it.

Laura - posted on 06/30/2010

Boundaries are good, but emotional cuttoffs are not. I would suggest talking to a therapist about ways to set appropriate boundaries without cutting her out of your life completely.

Melissa - posted on 06/30/2010

You're the mother and you must do what you feel is best for your child. We have similar people in our family (if not worse) and we decided before we had our first child that if any of them "screw up" they do not need to be in contact with our children. They are more important than any unneeded family relationships we may have. We draw the line on violence, negativity and drug use. I think you are doing the right thing. :)

Amanda - posted on 06/30/2010

I have similar issues with my birth mother. We have chosen to not have any further relationship with her at this time. It has allowed me to be a better mother to my sons because I'm not in that constant state of "but what if she...". Protect your children; they depend on you to make good decisions for yourself and for them. It sounds like your mom is a negative force and an energy drain. Focus your energy on loving and parenting your kids. You'll be thankful you did. And nevermind what you assume others think - in the end only what you do matters.