Kids & Swearing

Monica - posted on 05/23/2012

I have also taught my girls to respect others, be kind. what is right & wrong. This is really out of character for them. The younger one didn't even look at him. I have a feeling that my Ex said something to them in the effect of, "if you ever were to like him I would die" or "I will kill him if I ever knew he was around you & I could go to jail for that". I just don't know. They are very secretive about him. I know that they have a Dad right now because he is forced to do it. I do find out however, that his Girlfriend has taken on the roll by driving them places & taking them shopping, picking them up or cooking for them so in their eyes things are still the same with him but there is another woman who has replaced me there. Whereas, I have changed a little because I am doing things for myself a little. And when he is around, I am doing it alongside him. I have asked them just to be around us & they can see but they won't even give that to me.
I am & never will be that kind of mother that ignores what is going on with my kids. If there was any danger to them because of any man regardless of how they are with me, they would be gone BUT in my case that isn't even the situation. Let's say, I'm not blind. I see that they are hurting & I am trying to figure this out.
Here where I live, the other parent has to give permission for the the child to go seek professional help. My Ex thinks they are all dummies & that they will try to convince one to see it like they want so when my Psychologist called him she had to promise him that she would not do that. I know that if they came to him & said this is what they told us, he would not be agreeing. So, again what do I do?

Monica - posted on 05/23/2012

Thank you everyone for your answers. I would like to let you know this: She is 13 & her father & I split up in 2010. We didn't have a family like some may think. My Ex was absent & my daughter even told me that she wished he would just go away forever because of how she felt...disappointed by him & being neglected by him. With that, I made the decision to change the situation. I went away with the girls & during that trip I started feeling things for my best friend who the girls knew. They liked him. After we came back, I told my Ex that we were done & a few weeks later, he snooped around & found an email that showed that we had exchanged. He begged me back & promised that we would sweep this under the rug. I could not do that. There was so much emotional abuse over the years, I just couldn't cause I knew I would lose myself. He then did what any vengeful person would do, I think and that was to dirty my name. He told the girls in explicit details what I did & that my friend had a hand in it because I was so vulnerable. So this is what happened.
I have gone to councelling with them & I am listening to her. She wants me to break up with him & find someone else. I have told her that this is my decision & unless things were a danger to her or her sibling, I won't won't change my mind. My Ex has a girlfriend already that they like because she didn't have anything to do with the breakup. I have told her countless times that my Boyfriend didn't either but she won't listen. I have showed them hurt that this is causing me also. My Boyfriend also doesn't live close so we only see eachother once a month & I work around their schedule but sometimes there is an overlap where its a holiday & they refuse to be around me if he is around.
This past weekend, my younger one had a Ballet Recital, I have done her hair & makeup since she was small & my ex has told me many times that if I put her in something, its my responsibility. Well, my BF was here helping me with yardwork & house chores & she would not come home to get it done even if he wasn't here. It was a real struggle. She actually wanted her Gramma to come with her so she could make sure. I am just going to say, NO he has never harmed the girls....actually has never been alone with them....just in case your wondering.
In the end, I went to get her & my Ex came storming out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs, YOU LIAR WHORE! This was right in front of my daughter & later I found out the 13 year old heard & said he was mad. I lost it right after. This is what I endured during our marriage & I just have a hard time with the thought that the girls are not seeing how good my BF treats me & them.
I do listen to my girls & I want what is good for them. I am not trying to replace them nor is he wanting too. He actually spoke with her right after & told her he wants to understand why she hates him so much & she said because he broke up the family. Will this ever subside? I have told her that if she cannot respect me, then she may have to move with her Father. She has told me she doesn't want to. I for one, do not want that & everyone knows that those children are my life but how can I eliminate a wonderful relationship where there is trust, cooperation, love & friendship, just to make them happy. They one day will choose someone to share their lives & I have told them that will be their decision not anyone elses.

Heather - posted on 05/23/2012

She needs to talk to someone about all of her hurt and anger. Maybe a child psy.

Kelly - posted on 05/23/2012

When talking to your duaghter about her feelings towards your boyfriend and why she wrote what she wrote remember to listen with an open mind. Dont dissmiss her feelings or try to force her to see things the way you do. i am talking from experiance. my parents divorced when i was 16 and my father remarried when i was 17 and i did not like my stepmother even to this day i dont like the woman and im 32. each case is diffrent but you have to remember that this is hard for her. to her its probably like one min she has her family and the next thing she knows that family is gone and now this new guy is here. some children not all will think that the new person in either parents life is trying to replace the other parent, even though its not true. just sit down with her and talk to her. find out why she is so mad at him. reasure her that this guy is not trying to replace her father and let her know you love her. people dont relaize how much things like this affect children and teens. always listen with an open heart and remember what she says she really feels and that she maybe scared and she may also be holding onto some hope that you and her father may get back together and thats natural. just listen and try to see things through her eyes.

Dove - posted on 05/23/2012

I fully agree with Jodi.

Shawnn - posted on 05/23/2012

Monica,

Go back and re-read Jodi's response. She's hit the nail on the head. You cannot blame your ex for your daughter's behaviour. You need to address your daughter's needs.

She MAY be using the same phrasing, wording, etc as your ex would, but she's still trying to express hurt, and you need to see that, and address it.

Generally kids don't express untrue feelings, so if she's got issues with your BF, you need to find out what, why, and how to fix.

Did you even consult with your kids before hooking up with the new guy?

Senwelo - posted on 05/23/2012

well said Jodi. Monica, please consider calming down 1st before talking to your daughter. this issue is really BIG and has to be handled delicately. talking to her with a calm voice, waiting to listen to her and really helping her to say realy what the problem is will help the whole situation.

Stifler's - posted on 05/23/2012

Damn you COM Jodis comment only just showed up after I posted and says she posted 30 minutes ago wtf.

Stifler's - posted on 05/23/2012

No I would let the letter issue go and get some family counselling to address the issues your daughter has with your boyfriend.

Jodi - posted on 05/22/2012

I think this is a bigger issue than just her swearing and saying terrible things in a letter. Obviously your daughter is unhappy, and it sounds like she has tried to tell you this in other ways, and this time, she has your attention. After all, you talk about it getting worse, so obviously it is something she has tried to talk to you about in the past?

You can blame her father all you want, but that isn't going to help. I am not saying that her letter, language and insults are okay, because they are not, but just punishing her for that is NOT going to achieve anything if the underlying issue isn't addressed, so it would be pretty pointless.

Have you considered family counselling to get to the bottom of this issue, and identify WHY she hates your boyfriend so much? I don't think it is fair to ignore her feelings. Instead, she needs to find more constructive ways to discuss them with you as they arise. But at the moment, you seem to be dismissing how she feels. Just because it is untrue to you doesn't mean she doesn't believe what she is saying.

Yes, she does owe an apology for the insults, and I would certainly discuss with her that this is not an acceptable way to sort out your grievances, but in all honesty, I can understand why she may have resorted to this if she was being ignored when she has raised it previously.

And stop using dad as the excuse. Sorry, I have a son who visited his dad every other week, and that man despises me (right down to death threats towards my new family), but my son NEVER came home with this level of hate towards my current husband, no matter what his father said, he has a great relationship with his step dad. As long as you use him as the excuse, you are also dismissing that this may very well be how your daughter feels. Give her some credit that she can figure out how she feels all on her own, without her dad influencing that. Teenagers are quite capable of coming to their own conclusions, right or wrong, and she probably has her reasons. You need to listen to them, whether you like them or not. Only THEN can you hope to move forward.

Monica - posted on 05/22/2012

This is exactly what I would like to do, the only problem is that she goes to her Dad's every other week & he will not support this because this is directed to a man that he hates. He has never been a parent as I did everything. He doesn't want to dicipline them. So how can I make this work. She will get this harsh treatment from me & then from him, she will hear how your Mom is aweful. He never sees it as something that needs to be done otherwise she will end up down the wrong road one day & I really fear that.

Sienna - posted on 05/22/2012

How old is she?

I would make the punishment fit the crime, explain to her in full detail (and calmly) why it's not your boyfriends fault that the family broke up, make her write an apology letter, to you (apologizing for behaving so poorly) to your boyfriend, and to her father. take away her phone and don't specifically blame it all on the letter, because then she could resent your boyfriend more, whenever you talk to her, tell her the reason for her punishment is because of her disgusting language and he poor treatment of others. explain to her that talking to people like that in unacceptable and until she can learn to treat EVERYONE kindly she cant leave the house or use her phone or the computer.