Lonely and worried

Becky - posted on 12/29/2012 ( 30 moms have responded )

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I Feel so alone right now, I'm currently going through my 4 miscarriage It's such a slow one compared to my other 3, I never thought it would happen again but it did, how do I go from here, I'm trying to keep strong for my little boy but all I want to do is cry

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Nancy - posted on 12/30/2012

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I'm very sorry for your loss. Did your little boy know you were pregnant? This can make a big difference. I had my first miscarriage when my (only) daughter was in kindergarten. She knew I was pregnant, and it was devastating to her. It's hard enough to deal with your own grief, and then to have to help someone else through it can be even tougher. I had another miscarriage a few months later. This one was tough because I had a dream about it--had to go to the hospital for a DNC with that one after they found out the baby had stopped developing. (I was at 10 weeks, the baby stopped at 8.) I dreamed I had lost my purse at one of my jobs; I went all over looking for it, saying, "I can't go home without my purse." Come to find out, the dream was about going to the hospital the next day and that I would be going home from the hospital without my baby. It was really tough! Again, my daughter was devastated. So, when I got pregnant a year later or so, we didn't tell my daughter. I miscarried again (at home this time, much easier with my husband by my side). She found out about it a few years later. She just turned 13, and I'm not sure she has forgiven me yet for not telling her at the time.

We had decided if that pregnancy didn't make it, we weren't going to try again. (I later wished I hadn't said that.) I was on progesterone pills, but I had a blighted ovum (it's an odd condition where you have a fertilized egg with hormone levels to test positive for pregnancy, but an empty amniotic sack develops without a baby in it). I would have miscarried weeks earlier if I hadn't been on progesterone.

Please remember that you are not the only one suffering a loss here. If your man is the baby's father, he has suffered a loss, too. My husband didn't ever want to see me go through that again. It's a real loss, and the grieving can be a painful process. I did name my babies; some people say that helps. When we got a new camcorder, the first thing my daughter did was to record videos telling the babies how much she loved them. It was so touching and sad.

After each of my miscarriages, I was tempted to go out and spend a lot of money. For one thing, I wasn't going to have to pay for hospital and medical expenses, so I had the extra money, right? Except, I realized that I was trying to fill the emptiness with stuff. So, I went against that desire and prayed and cried some more. I also found myself looking at a lot of the collectable baby dolls in the magazines. I guess I just wanted something that looked like a baby. And, I wanted to hold every baby I laid eyes on, just to have something to hold. The emptiness of a miscarriage can be hard to fill! I am not nearly so sad any more, but I must say that the miscarriages are still a defining part of our family life. A boy asked my daughter just the other day at school why she doesn't have any brothers or sisters. She said it was very awkward for her. Thankfully, a teacher she really respects jumped in and said something lighthearted to help diffuse the situation.

My daughter wants to make some sort of memorial to the babies, and I think perhaps we will. If your son didn't know you were pregnant, he probably wouldn't understand. One thing I found helpful was to find people you can talk to about it. You're brave to post here. Some days, I wanted to talk about the miscarriage a lot, and other days, I didn't want to talk about it at all. Since I had friends who understood that, it helped a lot. Both talking and not talking helped me work through my feelings. I would encourage you to find someone who can help you notify people of your loss, so you don't have to tell everyone you meet about it. I requested my pastor's wife to make an announcement about it at church the Sunday I missed, but I still had several people come up to me and ask me how the pregnancy was going. Wow, was it hard!

I wish you the best.

Virginia/ Suzy - posted on 12/30/2012

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I am sorry for your loss. I have lost six. The doctor gave me progesterone suppositories with my last one. I would suggest that you talk to a pastor. Again I am sorry. I will pray for you!

[deleted account]

I'm so sorry for your loss Becky. It is okay for you to cry! It's okay for your little boy to know that you are hurting really badly just now. You can tell him over and over how precious HE is to you, even through your tears.
Is it ok if I pray for you? I have had one miscarriage - I can only imagine your heartache at having a fourth!

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Wendy - posted on 01/13/2013

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Oh Becky, it is a terrible that's happened to you. I am so sorry. When I met my closest friend in the world, she too had been through 4 miscarriages in an attempt to have a second child. 2 times she got a little bit into the second term. I don't know the pain she or you go through, but having a daughter right now, I find it difficult to even imagine.

Oddly enough, Jen went on to become pregnant with her son. They finally figured out the problem had something to do with a chemical her body is supposed to produce until the 2nd term, at which time, the baby begins to produce it on its own...Jenn's body stop producing it early and without it, the preganancy terminated. The solution ended up being her taking the (was it maybe progesterone??? not sure) every day orally until about a week into the 2nd trimester. She immediately got pregnant and had a son (after five years of trying)....then later when Jason (her son) was not more than 2 or 3 months old, she suddenly had to pee a lot and her breasts were tender...I chuckled with her about being pregnant. She scoffed, saying that after everything they had to do just to have Jason, it would be impossible for her to get pregnant that easily....and then their were three...she added Alison.

I know this can't make you feel less of a loss, but, Jen really had no hope at all. There ended up being a solution and she was blessed again right away too. I didn't have my daughter until I was 40...always wanted a child but was beginning to think it would never happen. But, despite any feelings I have for her father (&$#!!@&*^$^#!!!) she is all I think of.

I wish you all of the very best and pray that a complex or simple solution is found so you can hold that baby at full term, completely healthy.

Best Wishes!
Wendy Elkins

Virginia/ Suzy - posted on 12/31/2012

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Yes they did blood tests and a test that told them my progesterone was low. I agree with others who have suggested you see a doctor who specializes in losses. That is what I did and he was able to tell me right away what my problem was. An infertility specialist is the way to go. Also I still highly encourage you to talk to a pastor. They can help you talk to your son. Our children need to know that we have emotions too. Don't hide them from him or your husband.

Brandy - posted on 12/31/2012

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Also find a good health food store with some one who has been in the business a long time. If you can't find anyone let me know and I can hook you up with someone.

Brandy - posted on 12/31/2012

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I to had miscarriage 1 1/2 yrs ago. It was a bad year for us. Not only where we facing a tremendous amount of financial problems but my best friend who was also my sister-in-law that lived with us passed away. She was 23 and had an 8 week old son. My brother and everyone was devastated. To make matters worse they still don't know what happened other than her heart stopped. She died January 12 of 2011 and I miscarried in August. One of the main things that has helped me is visualizing Kylie holding and taking care my baby. After all her and my brother are the godparents to our kids. After the miscarriage we had one more funeral to go to. Totaling in 6 funerals not including the miscarriage. I also had 2 friends who miscarried and one friend who delivered 20 week gestation twins on her husband's birthday to only hold them for a few minutes.
I would never tell anyone, except my husband and 2 other people, that I'm pregnant until after the first trimester. That way I didn't have to break more bad news to people. Now it's easier to talk about though and I have told more people.
I recommended you google Grief Share and go through there program. It's a biblical view on how to help you process the loss of someone. Also Crisis Pregnancy Center has a class called Grace Bible study. Anyone who wants to volunteer that has lost a child either to miscarriage, abortion, or after the child was born has to go through that class. My mom went through it due to an abortion she had when she was 19 and it helped her tremendously.
I am so glad your husband is there to help you through this. Please do talk to some, it helps to be able to talk about even though it's going to hurt at first.
God Bless

Mary - posted on 12/30/2012

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um baby asprin should only be started after 12 weeks. There is so much more than blood work that needs to be done and you need to see an ob that specializes in losses. I have had 5 miscarriages and it's awful.

Dana - posted on 12/30/2012

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I know how you feel I had 3 miscarriages after my daughter. My progesterone way low and wouldn't hold a pregnancy . The doctors suggested clomid to regulate my periods and with in 6 months I was blessed with twins. They are now 9 and I am blessed to have 3 beautiful children. I did work ob/gyn for 18 years and it was the best. Any questions just ask

Cathi - posted on 12/30/2012

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First of all I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It is definitely ok for you to grieve in front of your son. Just let him know why you are sad so that he doesn't think it is something he did. I would talk to your doctor about a progesterone pill. For my 2nd pregnancy I had a heck of a time getting pregnant. I took a progesterone pill until 12 weeks when the placenta takes over producing the hormone. Then 4 years later I got pregnant again without even trying. I really think that the pill was what helped me keep my 2nd pregnancy going. It's worth a try if you want to try and get pregnant again.

Becky - posted on 12/30/2012

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Really, Is it a pill? is it successful because they said the baby asprin helps which I took with the one i just miscarried with but obviously didn't x

Corina De Los - posted on 12/30/2012

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Also please read up on taking acidophilus, this is practically one of the best supplements to take before u get pregnant and during pregnancy. Please read up on it and hang in there.

Tammi - posted on 12/30/2012

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It is ok to cry, especially in front of yur lil man. As long as u explain to him that u r sad bcuz his brother or sister is in heaven watching over u all. He understands more than u know. As for the miscarriages, I have gone thru seven of them and blessed with a beautiful lil man myself. God has a plan and he will bless u with another lil blessing again when the time is right. If at all possible, u should speak to a grief counselor who can help u get thru this or a support grp.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/30/2012

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I am so sorry for your loss. But concerning your son, it is ok for him to see you cry. It is important for kids to know they can let their emotions out. You can cry in front of your son. He already surely knows something is wrong with momma, and you crying is letting out the grief.

Nicole - posted on 12/30/2012

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youre allowed to cry. let the emotions out. mourn. just not in front of your little boy. maybe get someone to take him for a few hours and if u can't then maybe when he's sleeping. but you definitely need to feel before you can heal. I'm sorry for your loss.

[deleted account]

No, not yet. They will probably give me a load of grief over my age and the number of children I have, so I will not get involved with anyone medical unless I need to for many weeks.
How are you feeling today? X

Becky - posted on 12/29/2012

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No :( It's complicated the only person/people I need is my son and partner, Aww well I hope everything goes okay, have you seen your midwife yet? xx

[deleted account]

I am just over 7 weeks. I am hoping all goes well, especially as my last pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I got to 9 weeks last time, but baby only made it to 5 weeks. Do you have a supportive family?

Becky - posted on 12/29/2012

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Oh really? big family then? how far gone are you? Yeah after my 3rd miscarriage they ran load of blood tests which all of them came back okay, i also seen a gynecologist who said I was okay to try again because there was no signs of problems, I was on the baby asprin with this pregnancy as it's meant to help prevent miscarriage which obviously it hasn't worked out :( But no i haven't heard anything about that cream... There's a lot of things that are meant to help women in pregnancy but not all of them do I.E the Baby Aspirin for me xxx

[deleted account]

Yes. I have got 6 - three boys followed by three girls. Now I am 42 and expecting again. It was a bit of a shock as our youngest is 6!
Have you had any tests done for why you have had so many miscarriages?
Have you heard about progesterone cream? I believe it can help sustain a pregnancy, but you would need to look into it. X

Becky - posted on 12/29/2012

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Yeah I have the one and he's 3 years old :D My man is brilliant, times like this you realise how good they are, I truly cherish him so much, Have you got children? xx

[deleted account]

Yes, I have! He is wonderful. I'm glad your man is being good to you. Do you just have the one little boy? How old is he?

Becky - posted on 12/29/2012

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Yeah my fella is taking him out in about half hour for a few hours so I can chill out and rest, Have you got a husband? xx

[deleted account]

Do you have a husband? Is there anyone who can take your little boy out for a few hours so you can grieve? X

Becky - posted on 12/29/2012

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Of course you can, I don't want to show I'm weak I know I shouldn't bottle it but I have to be strong for my little man, One is also hard hun and my thoughts are with you too xxx

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