*Long* I need advice about my husband

Ashley - posted on 10/29/2010

to be honest you probably hurt him if u felt so strongly about not being with a smoker u should have never married him! i am a smoker and i would love to quit but its not as easy as u may think it is! stress anger accures when u have a nicatien withdraw! if he was at least smoking away from the child and hiding it u should have gave him credit for that, and the fact he did try to quit! yes he should have not lied but in my opinion u did over react! as far as he may be cheating that is completely unexceptable in a marriage! and also remember no one is perfect and he could be a lot worse than just being a smoker!

Tracy - posted on 10/29/2010

Wow. That seems rather harsh to boot him over cigars. Tobacco is hard to quit and stay quit. He needs support in that, not Mom dropping the hammer on him constantly. You've put yourself in the role of his nagging mother, so he's reverted to rebellious teenager out to get away with that thing you hate so much. Now you need to find a counselor to help the two of you work through the resentment that has built up on both sides and redefine your relationship as husband and wife.

And to think, I was told I was being too harsh for booting my meth head ex-hub!

Tina - posted on 10/29/2010

First of all, don't keep it to yourself, you need to see the pastor of the church, or a counselor about this problem who can give you very much needed advice. Suggest though that you see one for your own self to get your heart, and soul in the place that will enable God to help you with this matter. Then you can start praying for him if you haven't been doing so already, and seek out a support group for those who have similar struggles,as I am sure you certainly can't be alone in this struggle. Pray that others who have been successful in kicking that awful habit, will have time with him on their own, and share with him the needs and what he can do to overcome such . IF they can be successful in that you may be able to get the help you need. It's an addiction, to the body as I am sure you are well aware of, and know that it has to be replaced, with God's Word, His power and His love. That's what is keeping him from being there in church with you. If your church is able to have a support group for such, then go there, take your daughter with you, and make sure that they have a place for her as well while you are getting this counsel. Then pray continuously for him and don't stop as you know it is much needed. I have heard from others who use to smoke, that they had to ask God to deliver them from this addiction, and only He can do that. That is the only answer that is best, the others can help, but only He can do that. Your husband has to want to give it up enough to want to know HIM better, i.e. Jesus and ask Him for help in this matter. T.C.

Lisa - posted on 10/29/2010

Smoking cigarettes is an addiction and the only way for him to overcome his addiction is for him to truly want to stop. There has to be a motivation within him that will spur his action to stop and continue to action to stop. You've told him how you feel about smoking. I would have that talk again and tell him how you feel and lay down groundrules. For example, no smoking in the house, in the car, around the children and no lying about smoking. And if he's willing to agree to those rules, you need to agree to stop harressing him about his addiction. Your job is to be supportive of him when he does try to quit and not hound and nag him. Sorry if that sounded harsh!!

Lisa - posted on 10/29/2010

Reading this, one thing kept running through my mind...you sound more like a mother than a wife.
Deal with the situation realistically...make it a rule that he smokes outside only. If he is not smoking in the house, the only person hes hurting is himself.
Be a mother to your children. Be a wife and friend to your husband.

Anita - posted on 10/29/2010

Wow! Well bottom line is... Smoking is not a good thing.. Not for him or the family that has to be around it. Especially children. Although you didn't stand ur Ground by actions you voiced your concerns serveral times over the years and they are really valid concerns. of course Husbands don't tell u things that they know will get you mad, BUT Lying doesn't make that okay!! A lie is a lie... He has children now and should be man enough to see his wrong in this. I'd be pissed off too. and Now after 2days and then just leaving again! WHAT! Thats crazy.... I wouldn't jump to conclusions that he is cheating right away. But I would comfront him with the way ur feeling.. You have to admitt throwing him out for the cigarettes & lie was a little drastic... U reacted on anger in the moment... Now if he keeps doing this disappearing act and getting all nice only to leave... and not wanting to fix our issues.. I'd consider asking him to leave unitl he is ready to step back up.. Something is obviously clouding his mind more than just cigarette smoke... whether it be friends... or whomever..

Good luck and I hope its not the "whomever" you have to worry about.. Addictions are hard to break so if its just that... try to work something out together... Compromise

Bobbi - posted on 10/28/2010

well i thought i was going to comment about cigarettes untill i kept reading i would just confront him and ask his reaction she tell you what you need to know us women usually can just feel when the are or investigate a little and you will find something out its going to be very hard to stay calm lol hope all goes well

Sara - posted on 10/28/2010

Some of you guys posting here are very harsh when she was just asking for help not judgement and she never once said she wanted a divorce she kicked him out for lying not smoking most of your all points are valid but dont need to be said so harsh look Aura you know your faults and you know his you just need to talk it through together and come to a comprimise you support him and he supports you thats that in the end the big picture is ur a family and u said for bettter or for worse just talk it out good luck and dont stress too much your pregnant and its not good for u or the baby

Meghan - posted on 10/28/2010

this is no where near as bad as trying to get you husband to quit one of the worst addictions a person can have.. my husband was addicted to pills for 4yrs. (the #1 worst/hardest drug to get of f= methadone) he lied to me, he hid them, he'd guilt me, he paid his brothers off to help him hide it from me, he swore on his life with a lie. it was VERY hard!!! you can try what i did when i finally had enough.. just have a serious heart to heart with him. (no kids around)let him listen to you tell him how him smoking bothers or affects you. tell him everything.. then hear his side. don't interrupt eachother.. be more positive about him quiting. if he can't do it for you then ask him to do it for himself. i know lieing to you wasn't the best thing for him to do (trust me! i know!!) let him know that it hurt you but don't be so hard on him.you don't want him to "scared" of you and how your going to/or how HE think your going to react. guys= you tell them not to do something & they'll rebel.. just put your foot down, let him know your serious. but remain positive. and if he's doing good let him know you see he's trying. beating an addiction of any kind is way harder then it seems. my hubby went to rehab and has been drug free for over a year and our relationship is better than ever! best of luck to you!

Tanya - posted on 10/28/2010

My husband and I have been together 15 yrs. We have been married for 11 of those years. At the time I didn't know I had asthma but had horrible reactions to cig smoke. So I agreed to marry my husband if he quit. He quit for the wedding but than stated smoking again. To make a long story short he would quit for a little while than start back. He would only smoke when he wasn't around the boys and I. We too had an incident of him lying and I kicked him out. We worked the lying out and he came back home. For about 7 more years he would smoke. I ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. That Easter he decided he was going to quit. I tried not to nag but it was hard not to. He has not smoked for over a year and half. He says at times that he still would like to have one and even has a carving. He had two little boys who asked him why he smoked and wanted to kill himself. His aunt and other family members were on oxygen and not able to get out and about. I say all of this to give you hope that one day I believe your husband will quit. I know how hard it is but try to be supportive. You both must be open and honest with one another.

I'm praying for you both and hope all works out well for your family.

Jodi - posted on 10/28/2010

That'sok, I was just trying to say that there is the possibility he may still feel pressured. As long as you understand that and are ok with that.



When he is open to some suggestions, maybe you could suggest to him to talk to a doctor about it. I used Champix to help me quit, but as I said, I had to be in the zone too, so that once I was off the medication (which goes for about 3 months), I could mentally give up as well. But it worked for both myself and my husband, and I believe that it has around a 50% success rate or something (feel free to correct me on that). It is definitely worth checking out. Even if YOU talk to a doctor and gather the information for him, and then wait for a time when he may be receptive to the information.

~Jennifer - posted on 10/28/2010

Aura.....I think you're both on the right path in this. I'm glad the 2 of you talked and were able to come to a conclusion that was acceptable to both of you.

I truly do wish you and him the best in dealing with the situation you find yourself in.

Maybe you could help him to think of something to do ....some kind of action that takes about 5 - 10 minutes before he has a smoke. For example.....I do 10 minutes on my treadmill before I have the cigarette - every time I want one.....now, don't get me wrong....I still smoke (because I'm not really THAT ready to quit just yet) BUT....I've lost 35 lbs and cut my smoking in half and sometimes, after just that 10 minute wait....I don't even want the smoke anymore. I find that I smoke more out of boredom (or stress) than anything else.

...just an idea.

Good luck!

Aura - posted on 10/28/2010

Thank you, Jodie. While I truly appreciate your positive comment, I must point out what I said.
"I asked if he planned on trying to quit in May. He asked me if it would make a difference if he said yes, since he's already said yes many times before. I said that I understood it takes more tries than once to actually quit successfully and if he said yes and meant it, then it would make a great deal of difference. He said yes, he would try again in May"

When I said "and meant it", I meant that he was trying. I, in no way, ordered him to quit. I asked if he planned on trying again and he thought that saying yes wouldn't matter after all the times he did say yes and failed. I told him that what matters most is that he try. I did tell him that I understood that I couldn't make him quit if he wasn't ready.

I also said. "We have agreed that we will TRY again in May, not by May. I reiterate, HE WILL TRY. That's not saying it will be successful, and I understand that now", so I do get that he may not succeed if he isn't ready.

Jodi - posted on 10/28/2010

Aura, thanks for the update. It seems you have both made a reasonable attempt to make up on this, and try to resolve it. I do think, however, that it will continue to be a problem for you both. I just want to comment on his promise to quit by May. When he asked if it would make a difference if he saud yes, understand that he was worried about making that commitment because it might mean that he can't do it and he will disappoint you again. Personally I believe it is a mistake for you to commit him to a quit date if he is not ready. You need to be aware of this, and try not to make a big deal about it if he doesn't meet your deadline.



You say "We have agreed that we will TRY again in May". Actually, you asked him to commit to that so he did. I think he would very much have preferred not to make the commitment, because now he is feeling backed into a corner again. As May comes, he will start feeling more and more pressure to give up, and by doing at a time that you have pinned him on, there is a big likelihood he will fail.



Secondly, on the comment "I asked if he wanted to quit. He said he wanted to want to.", that means he isn't really ready to quit because that *switch* we have talked about hasn't gone off in his head yet. I know exactly what he means. All those times I tried to quit I did kind of want to quit, but wasn't mentally ready to quit. It really is a MENTAL addiction as much as it is a physical one, and can take enormous willpower. If he is having difficulties with his business, and is not happy, he really doesn't have the energy it takes to quit.



Just be aware that it could become an issue again. It may, in the meantime, be a good idea perhaps to talk to someone about it to learn more so that you can be a more positive support rather than a negative one.



You've made some progress (both of you), but I think it is probably still going to be an underlying issue. Perhaps you could consider some counselling to help you both deal with it on an ongoing basis?



Also, it may be worth your husband seeing a counsellor to help him focus on quitting, help him find that mental place he needs to quit. I personally ended up going to see my doctor and used a prescriprion medication to quit, but I still had to be in that mental zone to carry through with it. That is really important.

Della - posted on 10/28/2010

The most important thing for a smoker is that there cannot be more stress added to the daily life! this causes relapses in trying to quit. it is a circle and until he is ready to quit then its not going to happen. You must talk about trust and that he doesn't have to hide anything from you and you must not be dissapointed if he smokes as long as he is trying.My entire family smokes and when my son was born they had to go outside and smoke, when they came in they had to wash thier hands before they touched the baby it wasn't all that hard for them and safer for the baby

Aura - posted on 10/28/2010

@ Amanda, Honestly, I think you have a very poor opinion of me and that's fine. No, I should not have been begging him for forgiveness, he said he would have done the same in my place. No, I did not force another quitting promise out of him. He wants to want to quit right now, but can't. We have agreed that we will TRY again in May, not by May. I reiterate, HE WILL TRY. That's not saying it will be successful, and I understand that now, but please don't assume that you know what happens within my family I have listened intently to all of the women, especially the ones who told me it will be very hard for him and to be supportive. THAT is what I am doing. I let him know that, while I would be disappointed (I don't lie), I will try to understand how hard it is for him. What more would you have me do? I suppose that in the "perfect" family life I would just pretend like all this never happened and be the good little house wife that does what she's told and never disagrees with her husband.... Oh wait, they tried that in the 50's and it didn't work out so well.

Amanda - posted on 10/28/2010

Amazing even while making up with your husband (when in my opinion you should of been begging him forgiviness) you still managed to get your hubby to make yet another promise he cant keep. You are one lucky girl to have a hubby who cares so much about you, that he will continue to lie to himself and you about his smoking habit. No smoker can promise to quit by May, thats insane. Do update us on how hes doing on his quitting in May, or if hes hiding smokes again :0) Clearly you havent listened to what most woman said to you.

Alison - posted on 10/28/2010

I don't want to sound condescending, but you seem to be a bit naive. As women, we often judge our husband's actions as though they were women too, but they think and act differently. You need to judge them on a man-scale. Dishonesty in a marriage is pretty crappy and your husband has definitely been deceitful. But I am certain that my husband would have acted the exact same way under those circumstances.



In general, since you asked about how to handle the situation, I have found that focusing on things that are positive and true can be really helpful. During these moments, we can feel like our husbands are monsters, when really, we are quite lucky to have them. Stop focusing on the event, and try to meditate on all of his great qualities. Don't loose sight of the whole package. ;)



(And of course, don't forget to factor in the pregnancy hormones!)

Aura - posted on 10/28/2010

I don't keep lies or omit things from my husband. While I will agree that I am obsessed with him quitting, it is the ONLY thing that I have ever asked from him. I don't even ask him to help me with housework or taking care of the baby. (of course, these are things that should come automatically, but I don't ask for them) In the grand scheme of things, I'm really quite easy going. I feel that I have the right to be adamant about smoking, even while I'm trying my best to not nag. I love my husband and I do not want to see him living out the end of his days on an oxygen machine and in pain.

Jane - posted on 10/28/2010

@Aura - you state "He was smoking the mini cigars for two years. I thought he was over cigarettes. Was I expecting too much to think that?
I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm honestly asking."

I am currently a smoker. I have been a non-smoker many times for as long as 4 years. It's an addiction just like an alcoholic and you can be tempted for many different reasons to go back to that addiction at any moment in time. My mom, who has been a non-smoker for like 30 years now, will every once in a while smell my cigarette and say "wow...I have this overwhelming urge to have one". She doesn't, although she's 82...I say why the hell not (LOL) but it literally haunts you for the rest of your life. At least that is my experience.

With regards to the lies....all I have to say is OMG to all that are saying this is a big deal. My husband and I don't "LIE" to eachother either but I KNOW we have fudged the truth on things a few times over the course of our relationship. An example already given was the cost of an outfit or shoes. Him? Whether he cleaned the kitchen after dinner. I don't consider these lies...I consider these little omissions that EVERY HUMAN BEING does....no matter how frickin' perfect you think you are.

I think Aura is being overbearing with her husband. As I've stated before, he's an adult, not her child. He feels he has to hide it because quite frankly, Aura is obsessed with his smoking...it's that simple. Aura...he's keeping something from you, yes. Again, get over this, work out a compromise and don't fixate on "if he lies about this, what else is he lying about" because while I don't know you, I'd almost guarantee this is not the highway to more lies.

Aura - posted on 10/28/2010

I just figured I would update all of you wonderful women who gave me advice.

I did get the chance to talk to my husband last night. I tried to follow your advice but it was difficult. For example, while I did remain calm, I did wind up talking about his smoking. I did try to make it more about the lying and hiding, though. Here's what happened:
He owns a small trucking company that isn't doing very well. It isn't his passion, engineering is, but he went into it because his father (a farmer) needed him to. Anyway, he will most likely be closing down by the end of the fiscal year, or around May, at least. He had a hard day yesterday with things breaking down, but I couldn't wait to have this talk because it already had been three days. Because it was late by the time he got home, I was unable to get someone to watch our DD so she wouldn't have to be around all that tension. At any rate, he tried to help me get her to sleep by laying in the bed with her and me. She did end up sleeping and we talked. I asked him why he felt it was a good idea to lie to me. He said it was never a good idea, but he thought that, if he had told me, I might feel attacked rather than betrayed. I told him we would never know, but I don't think that is how I would have felt. I told him that, with the help of others (that's you:P) I was trying to understand how difficult it is to quit. I will never know that struggle, so it is hard for me to comprehend, but I was trying.

I asked if he wanted to quit. He said he wanted to want to. I didn't know what that really meant in the grand scheme of things, so I asked him if he needed them to survive right now. He said yes. I asked if he thought that "needing them" time would come to an end. He said probably by May. I asked why he started up again, if it was because of me, and he said it was the stress of dealing with the company going under, nothing to do with me (thank goodness). I asked if he planned on trying to quit in May. He asked me if it would make a difference if he said yes, since he's already said yes many times before. I said that I understood it takes more tries than once to actually quit successfully and if he said yes and meant it, then it would make a great deal of difference. He said yes, he would try again in May (which is when our #2 is expected). I told him that I had some conditions, then. He was to wash his hands after every smoke, he could never let our children see him smoke, and he should shower regularly to get the residue off of his skin (I knew he smelled different, lol). He said that he doesn't smoke around the house, but he will do his best. I asked him to never lie to me again, that it hurts worse than anything. I also asked him to tell me if I get overbearing because I don't know I'm doing it. I told him that I was only concerned about his health and didn't want him to end up like my grandmother (on oxygen). He said, and this part made me worry for another reason, that he would gladly give up the last 20 years of his life just to get through the next 20. I asked him not to say things like that because it hurts me. That it wasn't just him in this life anymore, it was all of us together. He also said that he was worried about himself. He tends to have issues with his anger and, while he never has laid a hand on either our daughter or myself, he was worried about his increased anger from quitting. When he quits, his anger amps up a bit and he was afraid of hurting us. I told him that I knew the kind of man he was and that he would never let himself do that.

In the end, we made up. I told him that I loved him and I was just worried about his health because I loved him. I asked him if he thought I had overreacted. He said no and that he loved me too. We agreed to no more secrets and I agreed to be as supportive and understanding as I could be. Well, then we some "after a fight" fun, lol. I'd say we worked everything out. We're going to be okay.

Thank you all for helping me to understand his plight. To be honest, as much as I hated that he lied to me, I really don't know how favourably I would have reacted had he told me. He still won't tell me for how long he had been hiding it, so I gather that it's been a while. It's settled now and I will be trying not to think about it too long, lol. Thank you all again for all your help.

Meg - posted on 10/28/2010

I am a smoker and my husband is not, so I jnow the flip side. for me Nagging does not work, backing me into a corner doew not work. I feel like I am close to quitting, Here is what I do. I do not smoke in the house. I step away from children when I am outside. Try setting up a win win for both of you. It also is good for your child to see the two of you working issues out/

Carrin - posted on 10/28/2010

Aura-
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like there are two problems on the home front. One is the smoking (which unfortunately, you knew was going to be a problem for a while). Two is that he seems to be disconnecting and not able to give 100% at this time. No one really knows what happens behind closed doors, but from what you described, you have a right to be upset. I just think you're understandably fed up. You may have to accept that your baby's father is a smoker. My Mother is and it bugs me to no end! I've come to accept it, but will never stop asking if she will stop.

As for his disconnecting, just reach deep and take a breath. What's life been like for the two of you lately? Have you two had fun together (without baby)? If you love him, let him know and start working to get back what you had. If not, you may want to start thinking about the alternative.
Good luck Aura...everything will work out the way it's suppose to in the end!

Jennifer - posted on 10/28/2010

OK, so it sounds like you are more upset that he lied then about him smoking???..... You can't have the best of both worlds here. Like some of the other posters said, you have been on him so much about smoking that he didn't know how to "correctly" handle the situation. He has the addiction already, which feeds the need/want feeling. Then he has the "I dont want to disappoint her" feelings as well. What would you do? Honestly, wouldnt you try to full fill your need to satisfy the addiction so that you could feel better personally while trying to figure out how to tell your partner that you have "failed" again. I'm sure that is what most people do. What are you going to do when you children lie to you (because it will happen sooner than you think)? Kick them out too? You have just taught your child that if you dont get your way that it is ok to disregard another human being. Even if it someone that should be most important in your life (her father). My advise to you would be to sit back and really analize this whole situation from his point and your reactions if you were in his place. Is this really worth the fight? Is your family as a whole more important than a pack of smokes? I'm sure a judge would really get a kick out of a divorce because of smoking.(he would probly deny the divorce and send you to counsilling).
I hope you can see past the hurt feelings and betrayal long enough to see why you truely married him in the first place and how hard it will be on your young family to explain that you kicked Daddy out because he did something YOU didn't like. (I'm sure you do things he doesn't care for but overlookds because he loves you).
Get your true priorities in check and have a serious conversation with him. (and no yelling or degrading on either side)
Best of luck to both of you!!

JoAnn - posted on 10/27/2010

So far no one has seemed to be able to answer your deep feelings of being lied to...Maybe this will help. Examine what you are really angry at. And please hear me out, cuz I know betrayl, believe me. When I had to face my situation, a very wise woman looked right in my eyes and said,"what if he never changes?" I refused to hear her at first. I'm a strong christian and so is my husband. I couldn't believe this woman could expect me to accept that my husband would never change the habits that drive me crazy! She stayed very calm and repeated herself...And it hit me. The things I want changed are MY expectations! I know my husband, I've known him for 35 yrs and been married for 30. He is a wonderful father and provider. And when I expect things to change but he doesn't do it, is it his fault or mine that I'm disappointed? It's my expectation...I had to come to grips w/ the "what if he never changes?" I know the lies hurt, but how about the pressure your husband feels to try to perform up to your expectations? So much guilt that he leaves church and cannot even stay? My advice...call him up, tell him you want him back, no strings attached. And love him where he is. Pray for God to take away his desire for tobacco...you'll get farther w/ prayer than w/ ultimatums. In your heart you know you want him back, no matter what- go get him!

Kelina - posted on 10/27/2010

I think you've gotten a lot of great advice. I do have a suggestion to add though, before you talk to him try to put yourself in his shoes. If you were the smoker and you knew you'd let him down how would you feel about it? how would you feel the second or thrid time you'd done it? do you think it might be harder and harder to admit that you failed? Especially to someone you love? I think that personally if it were me, it would be one of those things where I'd go "ok just one more and I'll quit and then i'll tell her." Because then yes, you'd be disappointed but I'd also be able to tell you that I did quit. Sorry if that's confusing lol.
I know my brother and I tried to get my mother to quit for years. WE did everything, from taping pictures of ourselves to the sides of her cigarette cartons, to my brother making her a $500 bet she couldn't quit. that's how he got his first computer lol. Like others have said, he'll quit when he's ready and hopefully when it's not too late. Until then, see if you can come up with some reasonable boundaries like not smoking in the house or around then kids. Washing his hands when he comes abck in the house. And when you talk to him, make sure you don't blame him for things. Accept your part in this. I know it works a lot better when I talk to my husband that way than when i start off by placing blame, no matter how small, on him. Let us know how it goes, good luck!

Colleen - posted on 10/27/2010

Two thoughts for you - and maybe some advice also.

You did agree with him smoking without saying it, by allowing it to happen even as a "condition" of you getting married - you did it when he promised, not when he did it. You must admit to him that you accept that responsibility, as hard as that will be, especially in your current state of mind (anger). That will go a long way to assist keeping everything calm.

My second thought is this, as a daughter of smokers (not unlike you with your grandparents) I despise the smoking and now, am dealing with a father who is battling lung cancer due to his years of smoking (he quit over 10 years ago) but also as a person living with second hand smoke from his wife's smoking. That is something I don't believe your husband will want to put your daughter through (or you I am sure), watching him battle a terrible disease that robs you of your life, and health. He may not contract the disease however, I am sure he doesn't want to consider his daughter watching him try to deal with it anyway. That may assist him in quitting, because he MUST do it on his own accord, not on yours. That too is something you must learn to accept.

If you truly love your husband, you will talk through where you both want your marriage to go, because my gut is this is bigger than just the smoking topic. He went behind your back because he knew you wouldn't accept a setback with respect to his smoking. If you want a positive outcome here, whether for you and/or the sake of your daughter, you must prove to him, anything he tells you is not going to meet with anger but understanding and support - no matter what. We marry "for better, or for worse", you must accept the worse you signed up for. You can lay down ground rules for your home and around your children but they will only be accepted if you accept him for who you married, a smoker.

In respect to staying calm, deep breaths - lots of them.

I wish you the best of luck.

Teresa - posted on 10/27/2010

I do want to add another post that I do have some sympathy for your situation as I did have a similar situation w/ my ex and alcohol. Difference is he DID quit drinking before we were engaged and didn't start again until our twin girls were toddlers. I feel just as strongly about the alcohol issue as I do about the smoking issue (though I'm not allergic to being around alcohol) and I was hurt, pissed, feeling totally disrespected. It was one of the many, many things that helped to destroy our marriage.

Jodi - posted on 10/27/2010

" But I don't really know if I tried too hard to get him off those, too."

Aura, I am just going to address your quote "I tried too hard to get him off those".

A big part of the problem that I see is that *you* can't try to get him off anything. He controls this. Not you. So far all of the posts you have are about how it bothers you and how you want him to stop, you expect him to change. You can only control you. Certainly, you can let him know how something makes you feel, but only HE can actually make the conscious decision to make the change. I don't know if you intended the language you used in your posts to be the way it was, but it is coming across as quite controlling, and that won't work for you.

Teresa - posted on 10/27/2010

My ex was a smoker when we met. I was interested in him, but never once mentioned or even implied any interest until after he quit smoking for himself because I was not going to date/marry a smoker or have my future kids around a smoker. He started smoking again sometime after he left me and it sucks for the brief moments that he spends w/ his kids, but nothing I can do about it.

Teresa - posted on 10/27/2010

I'm going to respond w/out reading any responses. I think it would be great if he were to quit smoking, but you married a man who was a certain way and now you're pissed that he won't change that way. That really isn't fair to him.

Katherine - posted on 10/27/2010

Ahhhh, gotcha.

Aura - posted on 10/27/2010

The mini cigars are mainly for flavour. You take the smoke into your mouth only. Yes, it's still smoking, but I figured that if he had one of those every now and again that he would get what he "needed". He started smoking them more often than I would have liked, I was okay with them for once in a while. But I don't really know if I tried too hard to get him off those, too.



And yes, generally speaking you wouldn't smoke those half as much. At least, no one else that I know that smokes them does.

Dana - posted on 10/27/2010

I imagine you wouldn't smoke as much as you do with cigars...

Katherine - posted on 10/27/2010

I've read the responses and I agree too about the lying...but I also think that he has a reason to lie. It's definitely a conundrum here.
One thing I DON"T get is the mini cigars vs the cigs. One you don't inhale? They're both smoking right? How can you justify one and not the other? It's like saying beer is better than hard liquor IMHO.

Laura - posted on 10/27/2010

wow the ladies have already given great advice.. after you talk to him calmly about the lying part.. im sure you can come to a reasonable compromise right??.. now if he decides to totally quit just be supportive.. dont ask him every day if he has, hopefully if he feels hes being supported by you he will admit it and just say ok well that does suck but maybe try again.. this time maybe you can try ... if hes not for trying to quit right now.. just let him know that you would appreciate him not smoking in front of you or the children.. including the car, house, etc.. and also that you would appreciate him washing his hands before he handles your children, im a smoker but these things are totally reasonable i think...good luck

Dana - posted on 10/27/2010

Explanations, justifications, I see it as the same thing. It would be one thing if people were kind about it when they were "explaining" it but, most aren't. They're pretty much coming across as "well what do you expect, it's your fault that he's doing it because you pressure him or you don't understand..."

Jodi - posted on 10/27/2010

Dana, I don't see it as justifications, more as perhaps some explanations as to why he might have felt the need to lie. It still doesn't mean it is ok. But that's just the way I've read it.

Aura - posted on 10/27/2010

Thank you. I honestly thought that cigarettes were in the past and we would slowly work on the mini cigars.
I'm sure I told him I would prefer if he cut back on them, but I always told him that I didn't mind them half as much as the cigarettes.

Dana - posted on 10/27/2010

No, Jodi, many people are justifying it as a result of Aura's "intolerance"...

Jodi - posted on 10/27/2010

Dana, no-one is saying the lying is ok. It also shouldn't be justified. But understanding why is important.

Jodi - posted on 10/27/2010

It depends Aura, were you disapproving, did you ever make negative comments about it? It is really hard to say, because obviously I'm not privvy to what really went on.

I really think you just need to ask him why he lied about it. Ask without judgement. Let him know that you are not ok with the lying, but you would like to try and understand why he did lie because you are struggling to come to terms with it but feel that if you can understand his real reasons for lying to you, it will help you both to be able to move forward.

Dana - posted on 10/27/2010

I don't think so, Aura. I think you are totally justified in getting pissed that he one, went back to smoking cigarettes and two that he hid/lied to you about it.

I honestly don't see how anyone can think that's okay.

Aura - posted on 10/27/2010

He was smoking the mini cigars for two years. I thought he was over cigarettes. Was I expecting too much to think that?

I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm honestly asking.

Jodi - posted on 10/27/2010

Dana, common respect includes her respect for his struggle with smoking. Perhaps he also feels disrespected in his efforts. Personally, I think both parties are in the wrong here, and some compromises need to be reached. Lying is NOT ok, but neither are the expectations of the OP.

Dana - posted on 10/27/2010

I have to agree with Aura on this one, I don't lie to my husband, he doesn't lie to me. It's common respect for one another. Regardless if Aura is totally unreasonable (not saying you are, Aura) it doesn't justify a lie, stand up, be a man and say. "I'm smoking again, let's talk about it or you can just deal with it, either way it's what I'm doing." or whatever you want to say but, say something..



And that's great if half of you don't mind your husbands lying to you, that doesn't mean she has to accept it.

Jodi - posted on 10/27/2010

Aura, I don't think he is really meaning to lie to you. At least, not to be deceptive. I honestly think it has to do with your feelings about his smoking. If you can come to terms and understand his habit better, and be a more positive support about that, I think you will find the lying will take care of itself.

By all means, let him know that you don't appreciate the lying and secretive behaviour, but don't harp on the smoking. I think it is time for you to look for a compromise there, and then once you are both in a better place, discuss that with him. At the moment, with the smoking, you are making all the calls and he has to make all the sacrifices. I think finding a solution to it that you can live with while he continues to make an effort to give up is a really good idea.

And I think you also need to understand that no matter what tools you give him to try and give up, unless that switch goes off in his head, he will struggle to be able to give up. So that is why you need to find a compromise.that you can both live with.

Aura - posted on 10/27/2010

I tell my husband everything. We even share a credit card where he can look at all transactions online whenever he wants. I HATE LIES. Maybe you feel like it's a small lie, but I feel differently. If he can lie about something so small, whether I like it or not, then he can lie about something big, whether I like it or not. How am I supposed to teach my children to respect me when my husband can't?

Amanda - posted on 10/27/2010

Seriously??? You havent lied about the price of an item you bought?? You havent lied to your husband once? If its only about the lie, and not the smoking, let it go!!! Its just one little lie, it not like he lied about sleeping with your best friend. You treat a man like a child/teenager, they are going to behave like one. You have clearly stated you dont like him doing this, so of course he didnt tell you he is again. What doesnt he like you doing (i assume money most men hate it when woman spend money on things they think are useless), so do you omitt when you buy the little one a new outfit just because it was cute? No one is perfect, and if you are looking for prefection in a husband, you are going to spend a lot of your life very unhappy.

Aura - posted on 10/27/2010

Thank you all for your help, blunt or otherwise, lol. I appreciate the ex-smoker's view, as well. I have to say that, in thinking about it thoroughly, it really is the lies and the secretive behaviour that irritates me the most. I feel that in order for a marriage to be healthy and happy, one must also be open with the other person. I'll admit that I would still have been disappointed, but the hiding is so much worse. It just makes me wonder... I've had too many liers in my life.