Aura - posted on 10/27/2010 ( 86 moms have responded )
I know that, in the grand scheme of things, this problem I have is minor and probably just plain silly. Still, that doesn't make me feel any better about it. I just need some advice on how to handle this.
My back story:
My grandparents were heavy smokers. From that, I started getting bad headaches around cigarette smoke. I also decided that I would never date a smoker, as I knew that quitting was hard and I would want them to quit.
Flash forward, I meet my husband. He is sweet, funny, smart... and a smoker. I couldn't say no to him and just hoped that his love for me would help him to quit. I ALWAYS made it clear to him how I felt about his smoking. He did try to quit a few times. He tried slowly working off them, cold turkey, gum, and the lozenge, but nothing worked for him. When he proposed to me, I was conditional. I told him that I did not want to be married to a smoker because I did not want my children growing up around a smoker and thinking it was okay. He agreed, said he didn't want to be a smoker anymore either. Promised me he would quit. He didn't. We were married anyway because I loved him and told him that, as long as he showed me he was working towards quitting sincerely, I would be behind him. I got him the patch. It worked really well. He was quit in a matter of no time and we got pregnant. Then, a few weeks after being quit, he started mini cigars (in Canada, he has a thing for Colts and Captain Blacks). I was frustrated, to say the least. He started to smoke them like cigarettes, leaving the house and interrupting family life to go have a cigar. I told him that I didn't like it and he swore that he would stop by our daughter's first birthday. That came and went and now we are pregnant again.
On Sunday, we drove to church. I was supposed to be in the nursery so he dropped me off at the door with my daughter and went off to park the car. When church ended, I searched for him everywhere. I couldn't find him. Finally, I see him. I asked him where he was, since he clearly hadn't come back into the church after dropping me off. He smirked and said, "I was here the whole time, looking for you." I said, "You didn't even go to church, did you?" He smirked again. I was angry that he had lied to me, right to my face. I didn't care if he didn't want to go to church, but why the charade? Anyway, we drive home in silence. When we get inside, we sit for a while and then DD starts asking for her juice. It had been in the car and, since I wasn't talking to him right then, I had no idea if DH brought it in. I looked for it everywhere and couldn't find it. I figured it must still be in the car. I went looking for it under the driver's side only to find a pack of smokes under the seat. It was more than half empty. To be sure, I was livid. My whole body was shaking as I went inside to confront him. I kicked him out.
He was out for two days before I invited him back to discuss what happened. He agreed. When he came in, he took a shower, put on nicer clothes, and shaved. I thought, "What a treat! He's actually trying to be presentable for me." Then, he sits down and tells me that he hasn't slept well in the past couple days so he doesn't think it's a good idea to talk right now. He has a place to sleep so we'll talk tomorrow. Then, he leaves and takes his nice shoes. This was yesterday.
I'm trying to be calm. I'm trying not to exude anger, as is my first reaction, because I know no one responds well to anger. How do I talk to him about this? I almost feel like he cheated on me. It's terrible. And NOW I've got this horrible "if he can lie about this" going on in my head. Any advice on how to handle this, or him? How do I stay calm?