Long story follows, just want to know, did we deserve this?

Jenalee - posted on 08/09/2009 ( 25 moms have responded )

6

8

0

So we are currently living upstairs in my bfs moms house and I am due in 19 days. the upstairs was messy but not horrible, there were some dishes, laundry on the floor books ect, and water bottles everywhere (but we were going to clean it and have already). So his mom contacts my mom without telling us and tells her that she's taking us home with her from the hospital for a month while (his mom) she and a cleaning lady sanitize the upstairs. Uh, no. Not ok, my mom is not happy with this and neither are we. My bf tells his mom no that is not what's going to happen, and that we are going to clean the upstairs. (his mom has a lot of problems is on medications ect) So they fight then she finally agrees that we can stay with her until we have enough money to get our own place. We walk to the grocery store to buy food for dinner and while we are there my bfs moms bf calls us on our cell, he is drunk and he yells at my bf not making much sense but repeating things like "you better shape up!" My bf tells him he's not making sense and that he's drunk and he hangs up on my bf. My bf tries to call him back once we're out of the store but the phone is busy. When we get home the police are there. They suggest that we not stay at home tonight, we don't have money for a hotel we don't have any friends who can take us in and my parents don't live here, the idiots suggest we sleep in the car! We can't anyway because it's being fixed. The woman cop basically tells me that my bf is a loser and that I should leave him (like its any of her business!). I am super super super pissed (because its all his moms fault, she just wants the upstairs perfect when it doesn't have to be!) I am not the yelling confrontational type, but i tell her in front of the police that if i brought my son upstairs right now, he wouldn't die, she harrumphs at me and says something like "well she's prepared to live in that filth..." the police left and we're still here but i don't think i'll ever look at her and her bf the same (in my opinion they are just trying to fuck up our lives so that they can be in control)



but really. did we deserve this?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Christy - posted on 08/09/2009

6

0

0

Are you actually expecting sympathy from this? Forgive me for saying so, and I'm sure I'll make a couple of assumptions based on how your story reads, but somebody needs to tell you.



It is time to grow up. Both you and your bf need to grow up, you are about to be parents.



If you are old enough to be having a child then you are old enough to get a job and support yourself. No, it's not easy, but you can do it. Why should you have to live with either parents? You owe it to your baby to do everything you can to give him or her a good life.



The Mom's BF is reason enough to get out of there. Protect your baby #1.



Yes, if you are a guest in someone's home, you really should do your part to keep the place clean. It's the least you can do.



I'm sure this will tick you off, but sometimes we all need a kick in the backside to get us moving in the right direction.

Rebecca - posted on 08/13/2009

1

8

0

maybe you should have thought about all this before you got pregnant. its not your house so kep to the rules no matter how stupid you think they are. you dont have any kids yet so get off your ass and keep your mother in laws house clean. be thankful she lets you stay there at all. time to grow up, give you boyfriend a kick up the butt and sort yourself out.. you are going to be a parent. start acting like one.

Erin - posted on 08/09/2009

6,569

25

232

The drama of this situation just seems totally unnecessary to me. You're living in someone else's house so you need to be respectful of their property and keep it clean. End of story. It's really not that hard (though I know you're tired this far into your pregnancy).
BUT..... your BF's mother does sound like a piece of work, and her reaction seems very extreme.
Why exactly were the cops called? Because of a domestic disturbance? Or was she just being a nuisance? Either way the situation is far from ideal to bring a new baby into.

Firebird - posted on 08/09/2009

2,660

30

521

Get your own place as soon as possible. Social services can help you but staying with his mother in this situation is not going to be good for you or your baby.Never mind the house rules, if she's willing to call the cops over something as stupid as that then she is obviously unstable and if her boyfriend drinks often this is not an environment that you should be bringing a child into. I know it's hard trying to set a life up for yourself but it's your responsibility to keep that child in a fit environment (and I don't mean a spotless house either). Convince your boyfriend to look for a place with you. If he can't afford rent because he's not working then kick his ass into gear!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

25 Comments

View replies by

Karen - posted on 08/14/2009

53

0

2

So my question here would be... are you paying fair rent?

If not... then she has all the say in the world over what happens AT her house. How clean it should be, etc. is up to her and you should respect her wishes as thanks for allowing you to live there. I'm pretty sure there is no law saying she has to! I do think it was wrong for her to call your mom and tell her she's taking you home with her and for how long... she should have come to both of you and said you need to leave and left the rest up to the two of you to figure out.

If you are paying some rent, but getting a real good deal making it easier for you to live... then you should at least attempt to keep things picked up... meet in the middle. This will keep her off your back a little till you can get your own place and do what you want.

If you're paying full rent as you would if you had your own place, then she should treat you as a tenant and not concern herself with how dirty it is in your area. But... if this is the case, I have to wonder why you're there at all????

[deleted account]

Hi so sorry you don't deserve that but i agree with sharon grey you have got to find a way out pronto for your family to be happy and stress free its not good for you and your baby good luck

Michelle - posted on 08/13/2009

4

5

0

Ok maybe they went a bit over the top.
However,
from what you have said it sounds as if it was more than a bit messy. "Water bottles everywhere"!!! Sounds like you should be doing a bit if cleaning especially when you will be bringing a new baby home soon. If she is good enough to put you up then you should have some respect for her home, it's not much to ask. You can live in your own mess when you have your own place....

Katarina - posted on 08/13/2009

0

0

198

Yes. You are living in their home, so as a lot of others have said you need to follow their rules. End of discussion. Respect for other's property is the key here.

As for the female cop, she's right.

Kellie - posted on 08/13/2009

8

36

0

Actually maybe you do. You posted something that made you sound very uneducated and sloppy. If you can't afford your own place and you don't have the means then why are you bringing a poor little baby into your drama?

Anna - posted on 08/13/2009

8

4

0

It is definitely time to move. When my husband and I got married, we moved into a tiny one bedroom apartment that was $400/month, utilities included. It was a dump, but we did it to save money to buy a house. Now we own a three bedroom house and are having our second child. It only took us two years to get here (we were married six months before I got pregnant the first time, and our kids are only a year apart.) My point is, just find something. If you are living there to save money, don't look for something nice. Just get your own space. For your sake and for your child's sake. The last thing you need to add to the mix is a baby. You will surely get a lot of unwanted parenting advice and a lot of criticism about what your boyfriend's mom thinks you are doing wrong. Even grandparents who live under separate roofs from the babies do that, so imagine how much worse it will be when you are all together. No home is stress-free, but you need keep the stress to a minimum if you want a happy, healthy family. Babies are aware of more that we realize. I know it will take a while to find a place, but in the mean time, you have to respect her rules. No matter how old you are, it is her house. It will be hard, but just bite your tongue and do your best. You mentioned she has a lot of problems, so she probably doesn't need a reason to be mad at you. If you give her a reason, it will be ten times worse.

Hanna - posted on 08/13/2009

585

9

56

oh btw, i'm not sure where you live, but in urban areas, if you get a job as a maintenance crew or superintendent in an apartment complex or a building, they let you live on the property for free or at a significant discount. it's an option to look into. you may not get a beautiful 3 bedroom apartment, but at least it'll be a place to stay that will be your own. and in turn he'll either have to work full-time for the building and then earn a salary or do it part-time (mornings, evenings & weekends -- take out the trash in the building, fix the leaks/minor pluming problems, keep common areas clean, stuff like that) and then he'll have time to have a regular job. maybe it's something you can look into. Good luck!

Hanna - posted on 08/13/2009

585

9

56

other moms are right, if you have to stay there for financial reasons, then you pretty much have to do what they tell you to do, it's her house. so if she wants it's neat and anally organized, well it's her choice. and even if you're paying rent, she can still demand certain things that can potentially affect her (i.e. overall cleanliness of the apartment -- she can argue that it promotes ants, cockroaches & mice; noise level -- again can potentially affect her, cleanliness of common areas and/or use of objects in the common areas). i know it's supposed to be family, but in a way, she is well within her rights and the only person who can stand up to that is your bf.



however, if she is on meds and her bf is drunk, i'm not sure about how safe it is for you and your baby to be in that environment -- people do stupid things when on meds and under alcohol influence. and last thing u need is a physical altercation because one of them is unhappy and had something to drink. and it's definitely not an environment to bring the baby to.



as far as the police woman, no it's definitely not fair and not nice what she said, but what i think she meant was that your bf needs to take better care of his family -- he has a woman who is pregnant and about to have a baby and the best thing he can come up with is his mom's house with a drunk boyfriend. i'm sorry to say all these things to you, but you guys do need to figure out a way to get out of the situation because it's unhealthy for the baby, last thing you want is him being born & child services over there because of all the drama surrounding your in-laws. so see if he can maybe get a job or a better paying job or two jobs to support his family -- that's what most men do -- and in nyc, most guys have 2 jobs -- a day job & a night job (part-time security, dishwasher, porter, bartender, computer repair (if he knows computers), to make ends meet) so he really should step up now that he'll be a father.



all that aside, i sincerely hope you get yourself in a better situation for you and your baby. i hope you and your boyfriend can find your own place and be truly a happy family that takes the time to appreciate the joys of being new parents & new family. Good luck to you!

Jaclyn - posted on 08/13/2009

44

37

2

I think that in your situation and how pegnant you are... Your boyfriend should be doing everything that he can to keep the place clean and tidy and keep his mum happy until you can get your own place. You need to respect her rules, however, I understand that the place should be clean and especially hygenic, but doesn't need to be perfect. She needs to understand that you are in no condition to be slaving away in her home, but your boyfriend should pick up the slack if he cared for you at all... He should also be doing it to keep you from being stressed with the situation.



I couldn't imagine living with any parents. I can't imagine that I would've gotten pregnant if I wasn't in a secure financial and stable position and in fact... I didn't. Both my husband and I moved out of home at 18 (seperately - we met years later) and have never moved back home. It's great to have your own place where you have free rein and you can bring your kids up happy, free and without extra added stresses.

Sarah - posted on 08/12/2009

40

24

1

I'm in a similar situation right now. We pay rent, take turns cooking for everyone,do our laundry and whe possible theirs, clean the house and help outside. While we do our best and they do thirs there s still conflict, why? Because you are in their house. No if ands or buts about it. If things are not done their way (even if yours still gets the job done) than its not done right. I have the best in-laws I could ever ask for however at 28, married and two kids later I am still seen as a child because we live in their house. I am still seen as a young girl that needs to be taught how to be a wife and mother. (my own mother by the way did a fantastic job if I do say so myself) Two matriarchs in one home , unless you were raised that way is more than a difficult situation. We are planning on moving out in the spring, however it my be a longer winter than I hoped. I fortunetly have a great relationship with them but it doesn't make things any easier when it comes to the daily frustrations, just less confrontational. Until you move out it won't get any better...trust me.

Eileen - posted on 08/12/2009

20

0

0

You need to move far away from these 2 ASAP! PLease do it for your baby's sake before they start to influence him.

Jenalee - posted on 08/10/2009

6

8

0

my bfs moms bf doesn't live here, and he's more like her sugar daddy, she doesn't really like him much but he gives her money, he's just an alcoholic who has an inheritence.

Mel - posted on 08/09/2009

5,539

58

226

well whats happened with regards to this situation is stupid but if you are having a baby you do need to find your own place. are you guys nto working can you nto support yourselves. If you decide to stay anyhow it is your choice and the rest of them need to stay out of it. alot of my friends who are my age have babies and they live with parents and fiance and see nothing wrong wih that and although i would not do it personally its not anyone else's place to judge

Brenda - posted on 08/09/2009

2,386

62

250

Hon, no one deserves that. I'm sorry, my house is never "perfect". I have kids, and let me tell you, while I was pregnant it was NEVER clean, there was always stuff on the floor and dishes to be washed because I didn't feel like it.



If her bf is getting drunk in house and acting like that, leave, asap. You may not think you can afford a place but you can. Does your bf have a job? Go to the Department of Family Services, if you haven't already (I'm assuming you're in the states, of course), get on medicaid and food stamps if you aren't already, they will direct you to the people where you can get housing as well as long as one of you work. There are apartment complexes in nearly every city that are on a sliding scale, or you can get on housing which is VERY reasonable. You should also have already been in contact with your WIC office. If you are pregnant and having housing difficulties, they can help you. All of these are federal programs, and you should have access to any of them. I don't know enough about your financial situation to help with something specific... I will extend to you the offer to message me privately and I can see if I can figure out who you need to contact. If your bf is unemployed, these agencies can probably help you find a job for him, and/or help you out until he can get one.



We lived with my husband's mom for a while, and it was pretty much hell a lot of the time. I learned to bite my tongue, a lot. She would complain about everything, including the cleaning, and I did my best, washed dishes, cleaned what I could, but couldn't do anything about her mess, but I tried. It really was never good enough for her, though. We never took advantages of the various programs to get us on our feet seperate from his mom, and if we had things would have worked out much better. As it was, we ended up buying a house with her not because of our financial problems but because of her's. She passed away not long after and since we didn't have her income, we ended up having a forclosure. So it was a huge mess, and if we'd just got out and got our own place, we wouldn't have had near as many problems in the long run.

Meg - posted on 08/09/2009

11

43

1

I agree that yo dont need this stress or hassle while you are pregnant...but at the same time it is her house and you are lucky enough to have a roof over you head and that you are able to live there. I dont think it should have gotten to the extremes that it did...but really how hard it is to keep a room clean and pick up after yourself? Be happy that you guys have a roof over your head, and a place to bring your baby home to...it could be worse you could be homeless...keep your room clean and Im sure living there will be much easier!

Sharon - posted on 08/09/2009

11,585

12

1314

Not exactly.



Why are you living with your BFs mother and her BF?



If she's that picky about keeping places clean - you have to follow her rules, its her home.



It seriously sounds like no one is very mature. But I don't know why you guys are all living together. Just bad luck? Poor planning?



I do know that you need to seperate yourself from the BFs mother ASAP.



This is only going to escalate and that isn't going to be good for anyone.



I'm really sorry you are going through this. I think you should contact some family services and find alternative lodgings.



And without more details I'm sort of on the woman cops' side.

Charlotte - posted on 08/09/2009

11

39

4

I agree the hassle isnt needed,

Im a little confused as to who mums your staying at though?

But I lived with my mum for the frist year and it was better and easier if I stuck to her house rules as this meant less hassle. I have to admit it was a pain but like you I had no othe choice straight away. I hope this helps..and just remember its for the short term

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms