Marriage or not? What's better for the kids?

[deleted account] ( 169 moms have responded )

I was reading about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt today and it made me wonder, why do so many people seem to have an aversion to marriage? It seems like gay people are gung-ho about getting the right to be married and straight people avoid it like the plague! What are your thoughts? Do you think being married in any way benefits your children or do you think it doesn't matter? I am a big fan of marriage and I think it makes all the difference in the world. Not because a piece of paper changes anything, but because I found that the type of man who says, "I want to marry you and be officially committed to you" has an ENTIRELY different attitude than a man who says, "Let's move in together". Of course, if you marry a JERK, you are no better off, but if you take two basically good guys, one that wants to move in and one that wants to marry- I'll take the marrying kind, hands down. Thoughts?

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Anna - posted on 06/24/2009

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I think it's better to have a family that is committed to each other and staying together. I know that some couples use the "We don't need paper to tell us we're going to be together forever." but that almost sounds like an excuse to not PROVE it to each other. Growing up with "Mom just has a boyfriend" and visa versa is setting a bad example for your kids later on. Maybe they may get the idea that it's perfectly ok to just live with anyone and sleep with anyone all in the name of "love". If the idea of love is just staying with each other and not committing because it's scary, then that isn't love to me.

Julie - posted on 08/29/2011

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I do not think marriage is always the way to go for some couples. My first marriage lasted all of 2 years he and I had been together for 14 years before our wedding day, happy and in love. Then he was handed his ownership papers and it all changed. My marriage ended after the birth of our daughter. I feel that it would have lasted if we had not allowed ourselves to be moved by what the world demands of man and woman. I will not be getting married again, I am in a fantastic relationship right now very much in love and devoted to him, and he to me. We now have my fist child and two more and we are a happy family and I do not think marriage is the answer for us. I don't believe marriage should be forced down our throats and I think we should have the same rights as married couples weather or not we abide by what others think we should do. as long as we are good people and abide by laws we should not be forced to marry to please others. and gain the rights we should alreayd have.

Cherilyn - posted on 07/01/2009

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Quoting Lori L:

I have been married twice and in both cases my kids were better off without their fathers. I have been single and completely unattached for 15 years. I completely devoted my life to raising my children first. They are now grown and leading their own lives. If you are guessing I have lousy taste in men, you are correct. I do agree with your train of thought, but sometimes it is better for the kids to have only one parent. I have struggled with this question and the guilt associated with it, to come to the conclusion and acceptance that with so much violence at home and in the world, we need to bring our children up in the safest environment we can provide, even if that means being a single parent, no move in boyfriend or husband.


I agree totally. When I got pregnant, the guy I was with denied it was his and ran. To this day he has not had any contact with my daughter. It has been 15 years and she considers him a sperm donor not a father. I found out from some people that the women he has been with have been abused by him, so I am glad he left!!! I have raised her on my own with the odd boyfriend here and there. My track record for loosers was really good!!!! I had one that would steal from me, lie to me and accuse me of sleeping with his friends and had started threatening my daughter(she was 10). When I left him, I appoligized to her so much.. but what she said to me was totally amazing!!!  "She told me that it was ok. She did not like seeing how I was being treated but she learned alot from it!"  She learned to stick up for herself and not let others run all over her. It had helped me get a back bone too (for my daughters sake).  Children learn alot from their parents and my daughter learned what kind of guys not to go out with and be leary of!! All the wrong choses I made were good to a point for my daughter because she learned what not to have in a relationship and hopefully she will have better luck then I did! I had given up finding somebody and focused on my daughter more, then I was introduced to a great man that I will be marrying in 10 days (july 11).  My daughter  has seen me with loosers and is happy about this one!!  She is showing me her approval by being my matrin-of-honor!  She sees how happy I am now, most of the time!! Just remember, our children want to see us happy and if we are in a relationship that isn't, they will learn from that. If you stay in it, they learn it is ok to be in that kind of relationship, if you leave, they learn it is wrong!!!  Even if you are in a great relationship whether married or not, don't keep fights totally from kids, they need to see them and how you deal with them and  forgive, so that they learn from them and how to deal with them.  We are their teachers!! So lets teach them that no matter whether married or not, you should be in a relationship that makes you happy, where there is trust, and love!!!


 

Jael - posted on 06/27/2009

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Quoting Betty :

I don't understand people that are willing to share a child together, live together, and love eachother that are not willing to get married. Call me old fashioned but I think you should be married before you consider having a child together and living together.



because I do not want to be married ever, thas why. There nothin wrong with being married, but ive known since i was little I wanted children but no husband. I live with my sons dad but if that was ever to changed id be ok being by myself to.

Jael - posted on 06/27/2009

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Im not married and my son would never know the difference. N to say if your married u cant just walk away is stupid. Changing ur last name and putting it on paper doesnt mean u cant leave just as easy as if yall date. I have no intention of getting married ever. Changing my last name does nothing for me. If i love somebody I love them regardless if we share the same name.

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[deleted account]

Im old fashioned and it was really important to me to be married when my son was born, I wanted us all to have the same name on the birth certificate. I honestly think if someone really loves you then they will want to marry you and if your co habiting then you dont love each other enough to make that final commitment. MY husband lived with a previous girlfriend and he said he never married her because deep down he knew that she wasnt the one.

Sarah - posted on 04/19/2011

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I dunno. We just bought a house together and are not married. Both of our names are on the mortgage, we might as well be married, just aren't. Nothing would change except my last name. A lot of hoopla and money for nothing, really. We're involved legally with the house, I don't think signing ANOTHER piece of paper makes us more committed to one another.

Tameka - posted on 07/05/2009

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I too think marriage is a wonderful thing. Like anything, it has it's ups and downs. Sounds similar to something called life. I believe too you don't stay together for the child sake. However, I believe that children didnot asked to be joined to that union. We owe our children a few life lessons, committment, and if you start something finish it! Let's not let it when....divorce. With that being said, just like you fight for family, that degree, business, or whatever it is your passionate about....be passionate about marriage and not selfish...be selfless that doesn't mean loose yourself, be open to another. Remember noone's perfect. With faith, love and respect for one another and for the union of marriage, it can be a beautiful thing! Just like life........ which is full of ups and downs.

[deleted account]

I think for the most part, people want what they feel that they can't have and avoid doing what they feel is required of them which is why you have straight people avoiding marriage and gay people fighting for it. If we were to acknowlege civil unions as marriage, within 5 year (maybe less) you would see the divorce rate rise among gays to meet or exceed the rate of the straight couples because the novelty would be gone.



Personally, I am HUGE fan of marriage provided that people are serious when they consider it. My husband and I dated for 6 years before we got married because it is a commitment that nobody should take lightly. It's not just about romance. It is also about the business of running a family. It is about being a good manager who can oversee finances and make negotiations regarding everything from child-rearing to housekeeping to what goes on in the bedroom. The marriage certificate is not neccessarily an expression of love but rather a legal binding contract to be fair to one another and make it more difficult to throw in the towel when times get rough. People are not persistant enough today making their marriage work and treat relationships both romantic and otherwise as though they are disposable.



We as a society need to return to recognizing the value of a person as a whole with all assets and character flaws. We need to quit trying to manipulate and change one another to suit our needs but to find someone who is good enough as they are. There is no utopia. Once people stop trying to live life as though they were the leads of a romance comedy, things will get better for adults and children alike.

Nicole - posted on 06/30/2009

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Quoting Vicki:

I absolutely agree - marriage is so much better for kids than mommy and daddy just "living together" - what's to prevent someone from just walking away? I know that married people get divorced, but I think you have to think through a lot more if you decide to split when you are married than when you are just living together.


i have to say your wrong. i would love to be married to my hunny right now but we cant due to money and even though we are just living with each other as you say does not mean one of us could just walk away there would be still as much to think about. also getting divorced is just walking away as well

Nicole - posted on 06/30/2009

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yes but how do you know your marring a jerk if you dont move in with them before hand i would take the move in one and then talk about being married and it is not all way the best to be married. i am all for getting married to the right man ( like my babies daddy the best guy in the world )

Erica - posted on 06/30/2009

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I dont think it matters as long as your committed to one another what does the certificate do for the kids? Children need to be raised in a home with healthy realtionships (parents are the teachers) if the parents are in a healthy realtionship and demonstrate how to have a committed healthy realtionship with another individual a loving, nurturing, tender, caring empathic, ........the list goes on but you get the idea really marriage is a paper it doesnt mean the realtionship is any better than a commited realtionship and has nothing more to ofer in my opion, I am married and have been for some time, but think we have comited to making our childrens life a happy healthy one....

Julie - posted on 06/30/2009

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My husband and I had been best friends for 13 years, then moved in together for 7 years. When we finally got married, we didn't think it would make any difference to any of our children...BUT IT DID!!! They never should have felt any bit of insecurity in our relationship, but they did. When we got married, my daughter was 20, and his boys were 10, 8&8. They expressed a great deal of happiness. Their behavior has improved (not that they were bad boys in the least!!!), school performance has improved, and they seem to have let down walls that I never recognized as being there! I thought life was wonderful before getting married...the joy has simply multiplied!!! It is quite obvoius that the kids all are breathing easier now...

[deleted account]

Quoting Vicki:

I absolutely agree - marriage is so much better for kids than mommy and daddy just "living together" - what's to prevent someone from just walking away? I know that married people get divorced, but I think you have to think through a lot more if you decide to split when you are married than when you are just living together.


 

Jenny - posted on 06/30/2009

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Sarah, I am not married and never will be. I do not believe in it as an institution. I am 100% commited to thier daddy and him to me. We have been together 10 years this November. Do you honestly believe I could just get up and walk away from my family one day because I haven't signed a legal document? Truly?



I would be fine if my daughter or son made the same choice as me. I do not see marraige as the ideal. I see it as outdated and archaic.I chose to be with a partner I love and build a life together. What more could you want for your kids?



I'll say this again and make it clear. Marriage does not equal commitment, it is a legal contract and that is it. Your commitment comes from you, not the paperwork.

[deleted account]

I am happily married and just celebrated our 10th anniversary, but together for 16 years. But marriage and parenting are 2 different entities altogether. Some couples can be terrific parents but horrible as spouses. Some couples are just better off without each other, but it doesn't mean they don't love their kids any less. Kids can also pick up when their parents argue, fight, and don't get along. That's a poor environment for any kid, regardless if the parents are married legally or not. Ideally, any kid is better to have 2 loving parents that are committed to each other. But in reality it's not always a possible when there are marital issues. Sometimes kids are truly better off with one parent. I see it as living proof with my nephews.

Sarah - posted on 06/30/2009

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Married, what are we teaching our children if we can't commit to their daddy? Can we commit to them? I think marriage brings a sense of security to our family. Co-habitating leaves room for an easy out. Do you really want to be with someone that can pick up and leave tomorrow? If a couple is living together, you can almost guarantee that your child will make the same choice, it may not end up so well for them. And, divorce is too expensive to not try to work out your problems.

[deleted account]

My opinion is that it really does not matter for your kids !

As long as your happy, loving parents this is the most important !

Caitlin - posted on 06/30/2009

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I think it's most important for children to see their parents happy and successful whether that includes marriage or not. I think it's always wonderful for parents to be married but speaking from experience it is much worse to see parents not happy in their marriage than to see parents at seperate times.

Siobhan - posted on 06/30/2009

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i haven't read all previous post but my opinion on the subject is that whats best for the child is that the parent are happy, if that means marrage, living together or rearing children alone then whatever works on an individual level is whats best

Jenny - posted on 06/29/2009

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Quoting Anna:

I think it's better to have a family that is committed to each other and staying together. I know that some couples use the "We don't need paper to tell us we're going to be together forever." but that almost sounds like an excuse to not PROVE it to each other. Growing up with "Mom just has a boyfriend" and visa versa is setting a bad example for your kids later on. Maybe they may get the idea that it's perfectly ok to just live with anyone and sleep with anyone all in the name of "love". If the idea of love is just staying with each other and not committing because it's scary, then that isn't love to me.



"Mom just has a boyfriend" huh? No, it's more like I live in my family home with my Mom AND my Dad. Not being married does not make Mom (or Dad) a floozy. I have been happily un-married for 10 years now. Does that sound like a lack of commitment to anyone? We own a home together and have two wonderful children. We were together for 4 years before we had our first baby. We are together because we are in love and choose to be together. We are commited 100% to raising our family together.



Marriage is a failing human invention. If it means something to you then that's great but don't come across like the rest of us are out there sleeping around because we didn't have a ceremony and sign a legal document. I don't need the government's seal of approval to say my relationship is legit thanks. And as a staunch athiest I could care less what the church thinks of it. My kids are excelling in life and are confident, happy, well adjusted little humans, that is the only proof I need.

Alyssa - posted on 06/29/2009

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Quoting Betty :

I don't understand people that are willing to share a child together, live together, and love eachother that are not willing to get married. Call me old fashioned but I think you should be married before you consider having a child together and living together.



what if you didn't plan on having a child? I was 17 when I got pregnant. I was young and dumb and thought it wouldn't happen to me. But it did and it was an amazing blessing. I would not want my 17/18 year old marrying someone because she got pregnant! As long as your child is happy who cares?

Alyssa - posted on 06/29/2009

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I have a two and a half year old, I have been with her Father for 5 years now and we are perfectly fine just being engaged. We have not set a date yet becuase there is no hurry we are both committed to each other. I think the people who say you can just walk away when you are not married are wrong. We could not just walk away right now. We have bills together and we have a child to think about. We do want to get married, so I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with it but I don't think it makes a difference either way

Nadia - posted on 06/29/2009

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I think marriage can be good if both parties are serious. It doesn't really matter for me though. My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 yrs and he has proposed once but I didn't feel he was ready due to some relationship and personal issues we were having. That made me know that I am not saying YES again unless everything is stable and in place. He's a good father and he loves our girls and he's good to me. All the rest is blown in the wind. We will marry when the time is right...NO PRESSURE!

Darcy - posted on 06/29/2009

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Quoting Anna:

I think it's better to have a family that is committed to each other and staying together. I know that some couples use the "We don't need paper to tell us we're going to be together forever." but that almost sounds like an excuse to not PROVE it to each other. Growing up with "Mom just has a boyfriend" and visa versa is setting a bad example for your kids later on. Maybe they may get the idea that it's perfectly ok to just live with anyone and sleep with anyone all in the name of "love". If the idea of love is just staying with each other and not committing because it's scary, then that isn't love to me.


How is this going to give them the idea that is ok to live with anyone and sleep with anyone if you are living with the same person the whole time they are growing up???I guess i just dont understand

Mary - posted on 06/29/2009

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i am like sammie i think that being married makes you work harder not only for your family but to keep the flame there, i got married in Dec and yes u have your ups and downs, and you need to be sure he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with cause in my case i have a stepdaughter that is 4 my son who is 3 and we have a 1 year old and another one due in aug you want to no that he is the one before getting married other wise if you are 2gether for say 10 years and fight all the time and not get along then it will be hard on the kids, to see mom and dad split but getting married really isnt different then liveing togehter it just makes it easier cause you no you will always have someone there to help at all times thats just my thoughts hope it helps

Mary - posted on 06/29/2009

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i am like sammie i think that being married makes you work harder not only for your family but to keep the flame there, i got married in Dec and yes u have your ups and downs, and you need to be sure he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with cause in my case i have a stepdaughter that is 4 my son who is 3 and we have a 1 year old and another one due in aug you want to no that he is the one before getting married other wise if you are 2gether for say 10 years and fight all the time and not get along then it will be hard on the kids, to see mom and dad split but getting married really isnt different then liveing togehter it just makes it easier cause you no you will always have someone there to help at all times thats just my thoughts hope it helps

LATRIS - posted on 06/29/2009

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I THINK BEING MARRIED IS A WONDEFUL LIFE AND FOR THE CHILDREN. BUT SOMETIMES WE SHOULDNT JUST DO IT FOR THE KIIDS SAKES. IT SHOULD BE FOR THE LOVE OF ONE ANOTHER. ONCE OUR KIDS ARE AT THE AGE TO MOVE OUT THEY DONT BE THINKING ABOUT US ANYMORE, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND ITS GOOD FOR PARENTS TO BE MARRIED TO SHOW THE VALUES OF A FAMILY AND SO THOSE VALUES WILL GROW OFF ON OUR CHILDREN SO THEY CAN RESPECT THE LOVE THEY HAVE FOR THEIR PARTNERS AND RISE THEY CHILDREN WITH THE VALUES THE LEARNED FROM US AS PARENTS

Amy - posted on 06/28/2009

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Marriage or not truely is a personal chose. But the question of what is better for your kids. Well, I believe as a parent that you should set the example for whatever it is you want for your children. For me personally I am trying to teach my daughter to be treated with dignity and respect from the man that is in her life and that she is worth nothing but the best. And for my son I am trying to teach him the way women should be treated by a man. My husband and I set the example everyday by the way that we treat each other. Whenever I am making any choices in my life I always ask myself, what will my children take from this? We are not perfect but we really try to do our best. Right or wrong this is my opinion.

Ashley - posted on 06/28/2009

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well see melissa when you have two children....only your partner works so he basically pays for rent and groceries. i bring in 400 a month that goes to our son. so you tell me where i have an extra 225 to spend on a wedding. and to me that's not a wedding. when we get married i want everything. so to me it is about the wedding. we are happy the way we are for now. it's not about not wanting to as we have both openly discussed getting married. right now our son and unborn son come first before anything as it should be. sorry but i'm not going to take 225 from his child tax credit so i can be selfish and go get married when it's not a big deal to us. maybe that type of wedding was for YOU but it's not for me. to me thats my day and goin down to city hall dressed up with a few people isnt exactly how i want it. i dont think my yr old son goes to bed worried because mommy and daddy arent married. mommy and daddy are together and extremely happy, we are always laughing and joking and having a good time. in the 2 1/2 yrs we have been together we have never had an argument we enjoy eachothers company and i'm sorry but a ring on our fingers and a peice of paper is not going to change the way we feel about one another!

Melissa - posted on 06/28/2009

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Quoting Ashley:



Quoting Betty :

I don't understand people that are willing to share a child together, live together, and love eachother that are not willing to get married. Call me old fashioned but I think you should be married before you consider having a child together and living together.






have you ever thought that maybe some people cant afford to get married? i know we cant and we wont be able to get married for quite a few years.






I don't think money should be an excuse. Our wedding (rings included) cost a whopping $225! It was $25 for the marriage liscence and $200 for both our rings. DH's best friend officiated for free and we got married with our two best friend's as witnesses in our front yard. We each wore something nice we had in our closet.



 



I think so often the commitment of marriage is lost in the wedding. Its not about a wedding. All that stuff- the cake, the dress, the venue, who stood by the bride...- is irrelevant in the long run. All that SHOULD matter is the person you are committing your life too. Money really isn't an issue, at least it shouldn't be.

Melissa - posted on 06/28/2009

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I think it deopends on the family, but I don't buy that it doesn't affect the children. I am recently married (read this past Wednesday!) and it meant worlds to my husband's son. He is 5 and we have full residential custoldy of him. My husband had a messy divorce and we went into our relationship with no expectations. I never once pressured him into getting married. We made the decision to have a baby (she is 7 weeks old on Monday.) My step-son was dancing around singing the entire day, "Mama Melissa has the same last name as me now!" He was so excited and I think it offers him more stability in knowing I am not going anywhere. Kids a funny in how they perceive things whether it be right or wrong. How many kids think a divorce is their fault when it clearly isn't? I think a lot of my step-son's needs for stability have to do with the divorce, for us, it was the right decision and it happened at the right time. Plus, I like knowing that my husband is legally required to be there in the morning now! ; )

Angela - posted on 06/28/2009

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My first marriage ended in divorce and we had 2 girls that were really effected by the hatred between us. My second marriage ended in divorce with no children. Then i meet this really great guy, who was seperated from his wife. We have been together for 4 years and have no piece of paper to say we are married, plus we have 2 children together. We also have 4 of his kids living with us from his first marriage. For anyone who has lost count we have a total of 8 kids in our house and we are not marriage, but live as if we are. The kids are not suffering from it and actually my girls are happier then they have been in a long time. He has asked me marry him, when his divorce is finalized, but I don't need that piece of paper. All the kids think we should get married, but they really don't mind that we aren't. As long as everyone is happy... that is all that matters to me.

Crystal - posted on 06/28/2009

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I don't think the marriage issue is so much a concern to the children as having mommy and daddy. The child will pick up on how you are feeling, so if you are a single parent, alone and happy, the child will come up just as well as if you were a married parent and happy. Pieces of paper don't make any mind to children, it's the love and affection recieved to them by their parents.

Liz - posted on 06/28/2009

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I don't believe that for a happy family you need to be married. You can still be committed to each other 110% without the piece of paper. My parents didn't get married until i was a teenager and we were just as happy before they got married as we are now. If you show your children that you love them and each other, then thats all that matters.

Vicky - posted on 06/28/2009

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i have 2 kids and live with their dad we are not married. I think getting married is good for the children provided you are not getting married because of the children, we are in a long term relationship and have recently got engaged however when we marry it will be for us not our kids. Couples who are move in together take their relationships just as seriously as those who marry I dont belive they just end relationships and walk out the door without a second thought. Break ups are always hard even without marriage.

Ashley - posted on 06/27/2009

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Quoting Betty :

I don't understand people that are willing to share a child together, live together, and love eachother that are not willing to get married. Call me old fashioned but I think you should be married before you consider having a child together and living together.



have you ever thought that maybe some people cant afford to get married? i know we cant and we wont be able to get married for quite a few years. i wasnt about to wait 10 years to live with the man that i love and have children with him. some people dont want to get married, whats the big deal. you can just as easily walk out on someone being married or not. if you arent happy with that person being married isnt going to stop you. married people cheat just as much as common-law do. and like someone else had mentioned in canada we have all the same rights as a married couple does. my bf has just as much rights to our sons as i do.

[deleted account]

I honestly don't see a difference between th ebeing married or not. I have been with my bf for 8 years, we have lived together for most of those 8 years, and now have 2 beautiful children together. To me marriage is just a piece of paper, and a lot of the time can just be a lot of hassels. I have seen too many people that we happy get married and then divorce soon after from all of the stress from their weddings. They were happier when they were common law. I am not saying that I would not get married to my bf some day, it just doesn't have to happen for me to be happy.

Samantha - posted on 06/27/2009

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I believe that being married or not shows a lot of commitment. Just because one is not married does not mean that they put less effort in their relationship. Being in a committed relationship with someone will take just as much effort as if you where married. The only difference marriage brings is the same last name. Now a days it really does not matter if someone is married whereas 20 years ago you got married and had a kid. The world changes time changes and just because you are not married does not make it look bad for your children. They are still growing up in a loving and caring environment with a mom and a dad who love them. They can still learn all of the things that a child could learn if there parents where married.



I have been with my fiance for 6 years we have been engaged for over a year now and we have been living together for 5 years. I am in Canada and after 12 months here it is considered Common-law. We are in a healthy committed relationship. We love each other and show our daughter that we care for one another. We are a stable family and a ring and a piece of paper cannot change the facts.

Samantha - posted on 06/27/2009

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I believe that being married or not shows a lot of commitment. Just because one is not married does not mean that they put less effort in their relationship. Being in a committed relationship with someone will take just as much effort as if you where married. The only difference marriage brings is the same last name. Now a days it really does not matter if someone is married whereas 20 years ago you got married and had a kid. The world changes time changes and just because you are not married does not make it look bad for your children. They are still growing up in a loving and caring environment with a mom and a dad who love them. They can still learn all of the things that a child could learn if there parents where married.



I have been with my fiance for 6 years we have been engaged for over a year now and we have been living together for 5 years. I am in Canada and after 12 months here it is considered Common-law. We are in a healthy committed relationship. We love each other and show our daughter that we care for one another. We are a stable family and a ring and a piece of paper cannot change the facts.

Stacy - posted on 06/27/2009

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Quoting Marie:

I think it can make a difference. I think it provides more security and here in England if we werent married my hubby would have no rights if i just left and took my son. Alsoif something happened to one o us without a will, the other wouldnt get anything! We didnt even live together efore we got married. We've been married 4 yrs and our son is 19mths, i absolutely love being married, i feel people take u more seriously as a couple, and theres no way id have had kids without being married. Als a big issue for me, i want us all to have the same name and if we werent married we wouldnt. Feels more like a family and more stabilty i think. Co-habiting couples are more likely to split and apparently the dicorce rate is hgher for those who lived together efore they got married. Im glad we did it the old fashioned way and have no regrets, got married at 23!


First of all, that sucks that in England you have no rights if your not married. Here in Canada common law couples have the same rights as married couples. I also agree that others take you more seriously as a couple. It's kinda sad! I mean if we chose to live together and have kids together doesn't it tell you we are serious and in it for the long run.

Marie - posted on 06/27/2009

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I would find it way harder to split and walk away if i were married than just living with someone. If it's that easy to walk away frm a marriage then it wasn't considered a serious commitment in the first place imo. Living together donts seem to have any permanence about it. I had 2 guysb4 my husband propose, i would have lved with them, but not married them, because i aways wanted the option to walk away, did not want to commit. I dont think living together is the same commitment as marriage

Jael - posted on 06/27/2009

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Quoting Marie:

My hubby doesnt get people who have kids but wont marry, especially the ones who say its nobig deal its just a bit of paper. He argus if its not that big a thing (commitment!) why not just do it?!



because I do not want to. You can be commited without being married.  I dont think marraige is stupid but its not for me. And if i dont want to do it im not going to because its the "normal" or right thing to do.

LaCi - posted on 06/27/2009

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Quoting Jael:



Quoting Betty :

I don't understand people that are willing to share a child together, live together, and love eachother that are not willing to get married. Call me old fashioned but I think you should be married before you consider having a child together and living together.






because I do not want to be married ever, thas why. There nothin wrong with being married, but ive known since i was little I wanted children but no husband. I live with my sons dad but if that was ever to changed id be ok being by myself to.





 



Agreed. No desire to be married here, although I had NO desire to have a child either. we never "considered" having a child, I got knocked up. Turned out great, but it wasn't in the plan. 



 



It also wouldn't be difficult to split if we were married, besides the fee. He knows what things are his, I know what things are mine. sign a paper, its done. 



 



Commitment is commitment, paper or not.



 



 

Marie - posted on 06/27/2009

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My hubby doesnt get people who have kids but wont marry, especially the ones who say its nobig deal its just a bit of paper. He argus if its not that big a thing (commitment!) why not just do it?!

Betty - posted on 06/27/2009

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Quoting Cheryl:

I am not married to my son's father and have little intention of doing so. I have plenty of married friends with kids and the only difference between them and us is that they fight more and have sex less. My partner and I are completely committed, financially, emotionally and in every other aspect imagineable. Our being married or not will have zero effect on our son because what it comes down to is that he has two parents who adore him and adore each other and we all openly express our love to each other with words and kindness. Also, marriage is not an idea from God or a Christian thing. Jesus preached celibacy and encouraged his followers not to marry or if they already were to leave their families and follow him. Marriage is a Jewish tradition, that is where the public ceremony came from AND it was something only performed among landowners, in antiquity marriage meant declaring an heir for property, if neither partners owned anything of value there was no ceremony only a private and personal commitment to each other. For people who want to marry I think it is great and I wish them the best of luck, but I think it is wrong for people to claim that you are not being a committed partner, parent, or Christian if you do not get married. Relationships are about demonstrating kindness to each other in actions and in words, it doesn't take a legally sanctioned ceremony for two people to provide those things for each other.


Um...  Marriage isn't to blame for a bad relationship.  They fight more because they are fighters.  Sonds like you and your boyfriend are not fighters and getting married would not change who you are.  My husband and I never fight either.  It's fine if it works for you but I just wanted to point out that marriage is a good thing and it is not the same as it was back when it was organized by the Jews.  

Marie - posted on 06/27/2009

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I think it can make a difference. I think it provides more security and here in England if we werent married my hubby would have no rights if i just left and took my son. Alsoif something happened to one o us without a will, the other wouldnt get anything! We didnt even live together efore we got married. We've been married 4 yrs and our son is 19mths, i absolutely love being married, i feel people take u more seriously as a couple, and theres no way id have had kids without being married. Als a big issue for me, i want us all to have the same name and if we werent married we wouldnt. Feels more like a family and more stabilty i think. Co-habiting couples are more likely to split and apparently the dicorce rate is hgher for those who lived together efore they got married. Im glad we did it the old fashioned way and have no regrets, got married at 23!

Betty - posted on 06/27/2009

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I don't understand people that are willing to share a child together, live together, and love eachother that are not willing to get married. Call me old fashioned but I think you should be married before you consider having a child together and living together.

Sarah - posted on 06/27/2009

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i think as long as you are in a respectful relationship where you love and care for each other, it doesnt matter to your kids. i know a woman where her situation was similar to mine, our babies were surprises and not plans, she got married, i did not. my relationship is the best it has ever been and we cannot wait to have more children and are making plans for our future just as a married couple would. her relationship, on the other hand, is filled with resentment towards each other because marriage was not the plan, it was forced on them by religious family members.



btw to the woman who said "what could prevent someone from walking away" needs a reality check because separating, whether married or not, when a child is involved is always a HUGE decision!

Stacy - posted on 06/27/2009

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Quoting Cheryl:

I am not married to my son's father and have little intention of doing so. I have plenty of married friends with kids and the only difference between them and us is that they fight more and have sex less. My partner and I are completely committed, financially, emotionally and in every other aspect imagineable. Our being married or not will have zero effect on our son because what it comes down to is that he has two parents who adore him and adore each other and we all openly express our love to each other with words and kindness. Also, marriage is not an idea from God or a Christian thing. Jesus preached celibacy and encouraged his followers not to marry or if they already were to leave their families and follow him. Marriage is a Jewish tradition, that is where the public ceremony came from AND it was something only performed among landowners, in antiquity marriage meant declaring an heir for property, if neither partners owned anything of value there was no ceremony only a private and personal commitment to each other. For people who want to marry I think it is great and I wish them the best of luck, but I think it is wrong for people to claim that you are not being a committed partner, parent, or Christian if you do not get married. Relationships are about demonstrating kindness to each other in actions and in words, it doesn't take a legally sanctioned ceremony for two people to provide those things for each other.


THANK YOU for your post. I can't believe that there are so many negative responses. I think that our family is very happy and healthy and that being married wouldn't make a difference either way. It's nice to hear that I'm not the only "SINER" (lol)! and that my kids won't be the only one's who have issues because me and their Dad decide not to get married.

Melanie - posted on 06/27/2009

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I married a jerk the first time around and this time I don't feel the need to have a piece of paper to say that we are commited. I love my boyfriend and our daughter.We have lived together for 3 and a half years and I don't see what would really change except my last name. We are very commited to each other and raising our daughter in a loving enviroment regardless of our marital status.

Deanna - posted on 06/27/2009

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Well I feel marriage is a piece of paper. My parents marriage ended in divorce and they had 4 kids, and it took a toll on me and my brothers. My fiance and I are really happy the way we are and have been for the past 5 years. We are about to have our first child and I think that as long as your child is happy and sees that mommy and daddy are happy then thats all that matters.

Deanna - posted on 06/27/2009

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Well I feel marriage is a piece of paper. My parents marriage ended in divorce and they had 4 kids, and it took a toll on me and my brothers. My fiance and I are really happy the way we are and have been for the past 5 years. We are about to have our first child and I think that as long as your child is happy and sees that mommy and daddy are happy then thats all that matters.

Katie - posted on 06/27/2009

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OH....don't go there. Being unmarried does not equal being unstable. Spend some time in the real world for a while. My child is growing up with love, stability, and two people that care for her more than anything. She will also grow up with the truth and reality of her situation, like so many other people out there, and I believe that truth will help from neing so sheltered that once she is on her own she can handle whatever comes her way.....you just never know. Good luck to you. Remember there are noi guarantees.

Hannah - posted on 06/26/2009

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I think that marriage is a stronger commitment. Living together seems like something that can end at any time. When you are married it is harder to get out of so people tend to work harder at it rather than just throw it away.

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