Marriage or not? What's better for the kids?

[deleted account] ( 169 moms have responded )

I was reading about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt today and it made me wonder, why do so many people seem to have an aversion to marriage? It seems like gay people are gung-ho about getting the right to be married and straight people avoid it like the plague! What are your thoughts? Do you think being married in any way benefits your children or do you think it doesn't matter? I am a big fan of marriage and I think it makes all the difference in the world. Not because a piece of paper changes anything, but because I found that the type of man who says, "I want to marry you and be officially committed to you" has an ENTIRELY different attitude than a man who says, "Let's move in together". Of course, if you marry a JERK, you are no better off, but if you take two basically good guys, one that wants to move in and one that wants to marry- I'll take the marrying kind, hands down. Thoughts?

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[deleted account]

The gravity reference, is just to say that just like the laws of nature, like gravity, God's laws apply to all of us weather we say we believe in them or not. You can say you don't believe in gravity but your feet still stick to the ground.

[deleted account]

Quoting Tammy: "I was reading about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt today and it made me wonder, why do so many people seem to have an aversion to marriage?"



I just wanted to comment on the Brad Pitt / Angelina Jolie thing. They don't have an aversion to marriage at all. They have stated several times that the reason they don't get married is because they want to wait until EVERYONE has the right to get married. They are talking about same sex marriages there and I respect the stand that they have taken. I believe everyone should be able to marry the person they love...or not marry them. It really doesn't make a difference. I can't believe that in today's world, people still think that a family can't be happy or that children are any less off with parents who decide to "just" live together. Some of the happiest children I know are in that situation with their parents not being married.

Valerie - posted on 06/25/2009

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i think a healthy relationship benefits the child...the paper is not so important as the commitment to model love, commitment, forgiveness, responsibility...i, like you believe in marriage and want marriage...i know that jerks and good guys come in either package

Jocelyn - posted on 06/25/2009

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Quoting Elizabeth:

Exactlly!! HE knows what is best for us.. :)


sorry if i'm not understanding, but "exactly" what?

Girlio - posted on 06/25/2009

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I am not sure how to word this correctly, but I will try. Yes I do believe in marriage, but it isn't what I want, that isn't saying I don't want to be with my partner for life.

If it is about God and what God wants, then aren't we all children of God and doesn't he want us all to be happy, and he doesn't judge us, and he forgives us. I can believe in god, but don't have to believe in Satan.

Also, when God mentions marriage does he mention the marriage license? Did he give his signing authority over to the people that sign the marriage certificate? Does he get the money(ies) that have to be paid to get the license or to be wed? What about those that are Atheist and don't believe in God? Why should God bless them? Or is it "your God" (or my God, being that we can all believe in our God, it may not be the same as the God our neighbour believes in however) that is going to bless the Atheist?

Please don't get me wrong here, I believe that yes it is right for some and not for others, and if it is right for you then why should others get married if it isn't right for them?

As for the rest of the posts, I am in agreement about the children having a mom and a dad together in a healthy loving relationship in the home regardless of the adult choice those parents have made to wed or not to.

(Please don't think that I am making any religious slurs here or knocking God in anyway, or any specific church or religion, I do believe in a God, I do go to church, but I don't impose my religious beliefs on anyone else as I feel they have the right to their own decision in that regard. I also want everyone to know that I am not trying to start a fight or be judgmental, or take anyone down a notch. These are my opinions, my feelings and everyone has the right to agree or disagree with them)

Jocelyn - posted on 06/25/2009

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Quoting Elizabeth:

If you want to do it the "right way" and have it blessed by God, Marriage is the ONLY choice by a man and a woman..there is nothing else...and when you do things the right way..the real blessings start coming in. Satan always wants you to think different...i.e. times are different, i want/need to be happy...if you believe in the Bible whole heartedly you can't pick and chose what you take out of it, it's not a buffet, it the whole thing...and it's the best thing one can do, is to make God rejoice with taking a stand with your actions and decisions.. :)


when i got married, there was absolutly no mention of god at any time during the ceremony (and our life together was compaired to making beer lol).  does that mean that my marriage is no better then if we were just living together?

Elizabeth - posted on 06/25/2009

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If you want to do it the "right way" and have it blessed by God, Marriage is the ONLY choice by a man and a woman..there is nothing else...and when you do things the right way..the real blessings start coming in. Satan always wants you to think different...i.e. times are different, i want/need to be happy...if you believe in the Bible whole heartedly you can't pick and chose what you take out of it, it's not a buffet, it the whole thing...and it's the best thing one can do, is to make God rejoice with taking a stand with your actions and decisions.. :)

Stacey - posted on 06/25/2009

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I dont think it matters so long as it is a healthy relationship. I have been with the father of my child for many years and our son is 16 months old. We recently got married (June 13th, 2009) n he's too young to know any better. He just knows that when Daddy gets kisses he wants them too!

Chantel - posted on 06/25/2009

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Quoting Jana:

I married at the age of 19. My husband and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary this summer. We are the parents of 6 blessings and I can't imagine doing any of this without the commitment before man and God that binds us together. The pervasive attitude of doing whatever makes you happy and moral relativism is appaling. Making choices based on your emotion du jour is not commitment. Just because you feel like it doesn't matter to your children if their parrents are married doesn't mean that it is true. People need to wiegh the consequences of their actions very carefully. This goes for choosing whom one marries in the first place. Many of the marriages that end in divorce should not have been married in the first place. Many of the women who get pregnant out of wedlock admit they didn't plan on having a baby with that person. They just followed their feelings of the moment. I am very sorry for people who grew up in broken homes but it seems many are blaming the institution of marriage instead of the poor choices their parents made. People will make mistakes and arguments will happen but it's how we choose to rectify those choices that matter. I'm sorry if this is hard for some people to hear, but gravity doesn't stop working just because we say we can't see it. If you trip you will hit the ground.


Why not make choices based on what makes you happy?? How is choosing not to get married making a choice based on an "emotion du jour"? Choosing to live together and have a baby with someone is as much a committment (for some people) as choosing to marry that person. Did you choose to get married based on your "emotion du jour"?? I had my baby out of wedlock, yes. We planned her too, she's not an accident. I grew up in a "broken home" but that's not why I'm not married. And I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm dumb but I didn't get your gravity reference. What does that have to do with being married or not?

[deleted account]

Quoting Jana:

I married at the age of 19. My husband and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary this summer. We are the parents of 6 blessings and I can't imagine doing any of this without the commitment before man and God that binds us together. The pervasive attitude of doing whatever makes you happy and moral relativism is appaling. Making choices based on your emotion du jour is not commitment. Just because you feel like it doesn't matter to your children if their parrents are married doesn't mean that it is true. People need to wiegh the consequences of their actions very carefully. This goes for choosing whom one marries in the first place. Many of the marriages that end in divorce should not have been married in the first place. Many of the women who get pregnant out of wedlock admit they didn't plan on having a baby with that person. They just followed their feelings of the moment. I am very sorry for people who grew up in broken homes but it seems many are blaming the institution of marriage instead of the poor choices their parents made. People will make mistakes and arguments will happen but it's how we choose to rectify those choices that matter. I'm sorry if this is hard for some people to hear, but gravity doesn't stop working just because we say we can't see it. If you trip you will hit the ground.


The question is will you get up and dust yourself off?

[deleted account]

I married at the age of 19. My husband and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary this summer. We are the parents of 6 blessings and I can't imagine doing any of this without the commitment before man and God that binds us together. The pervasive attitude of doing whatever makes you happy and moral relativism is appaling. Making choices based on your emotion du jour is not commitment. Just because you feel like it doesn't matter to your children if their parrents are married doesn't mean that it is true. People need to wiegh the consequences of their actions very carefully. This goes for choosing whom one marries in the first place. Many of the marriages that end in divorce should not have been married in the first place. Many of the women who get pregnant out of wedlock admit they didn't plan on having a baby with that person. They just followed their feelings of the moment. I am very sorry for people who grew up in broken homes but it seems many are blaming the institution of marriage instead of the poor choices their parents made. People will make mistakes and arguments will happen but it's how we choose to rectify those choices that matter. I'm sorry if this is hard for some people to hear, but gravity doesn't stop working just because we say we can't see it. If you trip you will hit the ground.

[deleted account]

I don't think either marriage or not being married is "better" for a child. If the parents are happy and committed to each other and set a good example of what good human beings look like, then I think that's all that matters. And like everyone else has said, it's a personal choice.

[deleted account]

Wow, I've really appreciated all your answers. Great discussion. There does seem to be a consensus that children need to have a MOTHER AND A FATHER in the home, committed to each other. The only exception to that would be a father (or let's face it, a mother) who is an abusive person. Even though I differ with those who don't think marriage makes a difference, I am profoundly relieved to hear that most of agree that Dad, married or not, needs to be in the home.

Kaitlin - posted on 06/25/2009

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I got pregnant at 19, and am now 21. I know that im not ready to get married. I think that if you are happy with that person, then why not? But if you aren't happy.. the kids will see that, and it will make for an unhappy household! I grew up with 18 years of that!

LaCi - posted on 06/25/2009

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I'm not opposed to or supportive of marriage, I just really don't care. I live with the father of my child, I love him very much and intend to spend the rest of my life with him. He feels the same. We just never cared about marriage. I guess I WOULD marry him. It just seems like an unnecessary ordeal. We get along, we never fight, we never have to put effort into our relationship. I don't really think my son will know the difference, mommy and daddy are together or mommy and daddy aren't together are the only distinctions he will really make about our relationship. As far as declaring commitment, we declare our commitment to each other every day, there's no need for a ceremony or some legality to announce it to the world. It only concerns us. The only reason I would even consider marriage is for insurance purposes, but most insurance companies will include a domestic partner nowadays so it seems even less necessary :)

[deleted account]

I absolutely agree. I just read a non-bias article that spoke on this (I will try to find it so I can post it). It was a University study. The statistics on the difference between children growing up with their parents married verses non-married parents are overwhelming. Children with the stability of a family with married parents grow up psychologically healthier. It only dips when there was abuse.

Tracy - posted on 06/25/2009

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I believe that having children is the biggest commitment you can make in your life. No matter what happens, if you choose to have a child with someone they are going to be in your life forever no matter what!

I choose to be married before I had children but thats me! Today we have the choice to marry or be de-facto. As long as mum and dad have a healthy loving relationship I see no problem with not being married.

I am very happy being married and would'nt have it any other way but thats not to say this suits everyone :)

I believe the real problems arise when children are being raised by parents that have abusive or disfunctional relationship. This can happen in both married and unmarried couples!

[deleted account]

I'm not married-yet, I'm engaged but I don't think that being married would make a difference on how your children would view your relationship.

Take Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel. They have been together for many years, are great parents (they have one child together) and they are not married.



I don't think being gay makes you a bad parent either, gay couples love their children as much as we love ours. I do personally believe they should have the same right as us who are straight-thats my opnion.

Rachel - posted on 06/24/2009

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Quoting Jenifer:

I just did a quick search on discrimination against unmarried couples. Here's one website:
http://www.unmarriedamerica.org/laws-aff...

In not sure if you're in the US or not, but this is definitely a problem we have here. In most states, if a father wants his child to inherit from him if he passes away, he must have it states clearly in a will. I know that in Maryland, this is the case even if the father's name is on the birth certificate. The same is true for power of attorney - if it isn't clearly spelled out in a living will, the nearest relative gets to make the medical decisions. This happened to my mother-in-law. She had lived with her partner for a long time, but when he got ill, his family made sure she wasn't able to visit him or take part in decisions involving his care. She didn't get to see him before he passed away.



Yes, unmarried couples can make an effort to get these legalities worked out in advance, but - as spelled out in the link I posted - some rights that married couples have are not available at all to unmarried couples, no matter how proactive they are.


No i  don't live in the US, i live in Australia and well lets just say that our laws are a lot different from yours lol. Here in Australia if your living with your partner you are then classed as defacto and if your classed as defacto you get treated like a married couple. We have similar laws with the inheritance side of things and also the power of attorney thing but after you have been living with someone for 6 mths your classed as defacto according to the government and if you seperate one can take the other for half of everything they have. But appart from that if you are single parent over here then you get more help and cheaper everything because you get a pension card which gives you half price on a lot of things where as if your married/defacto and only have the one income it depends on what your partner earns to how much assistance your entitled to.  



Ok i went a bit of track there but my point is in Australia if you have been living with someone for 6 months or more you are then in the eye's of our government  classed as defacto and are treated like a married couple even tho you are not legally married. So this is why i said that it did'nt matter weather you are married or just living together because here you are classed as defacto and that is basically treated like a marriage and most of the couples i know were living as a defacto couple(myself and my hubby included) before they got married and nothing changed at all for any of us with taxes and eveything else the only problem us woman had was making sure we remembered to change our names over to our hubby's on everything legal...lol. I can see now how you came to your conclusion and thank you for not just assuming that i was trying to start a fight and actually showing me why you came to the conclusion that you have. 

Natalie - posted on 06/24/2009

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I have been with my partner now for 8 years and we have two beautiful daughters we are not married but are very happy and we love and support each other as do we love our children and are there for them always we have a very strong and loving relationship and it works well for us. We may get married in the future but right now our main priority is loving our children and each other. So i dont think that marrige is better or worse for children as long as we and they are happy.

Lindsay - posted on 06/24/2009

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I don't think if their are kids involved, married or not, that there is ever an "easy way out". I was in a committed relationship when I got pregnant with my daughter but didn't feel that just becasue I was pregnant was the right reason to get married. We were young but have had an amazing relationship and now are the lucky parents of 2 wonderful kids. He has brought up getting married more times than I can remember but I have mixed feelings. Being that we had kids before we were married, we can't be married in my church. I love him and am committed to our relationship as he is me. We do much better financially not being married with our taxes. We would have to move to a higher bracket with combining our incomes and have to pay in vs. getting about $10,000 back each year. That is a big deal for me!



Our kids are in a stable home with both parents whether we are married or not. We love each other and are there for each other. We love our kids and are there for them. That's more important than anything else.

Michele - posted on 06/24/2009

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i dont think it makes a difference to a child,if the parents are married, as long as they have both of thier parents living with them and activily in thier life.

Chantel - posted on 06/24/2009

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I don't think being married makes you any more committed than two people who live together for years without that piece of paper. And not being married isn't going to change the way I raise my kids. Why is it best for the children to know their parents are married? Isn't it best for them to know their parents love each other whether their married or not? As for the whole :let's move in together" guy? Well, I was the one who said "Let's move in together". I don't think guys who want to get married are automatically "better" guys. What about all the abusive and controlling HUSBANDS? Some of them get married just so they can control the woman!! So wanting to get married does not make a better man, or woman for that matter. Marriage doesn't always equal love and committment and not being married doesn't mean you aren't in love and committed.

Barbara - posted on 06/24/2009

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I vote for the commitment of marriage and think it is best for the children to know that their parents are married.

Hannah - posted on 06/24/2009

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I don't think being married or not has anything to do with how you raise your children. I suppose it's good to have that stability but there are people who just don't want to get married, and what? You don't think they are as committed to each other as people who do get married? I'm pretty sure they can be. I guess I might want to get married some day but I could do without it if my boyfriend had some strong aversion to it. Getting married and wearing rings wouldn't really make us any more committed or more in love. but that's just my opinion. Everyone's different. Most people want to get married, some people don't, and some people do get married and don't take it seriously and they are the ones who are ruining what marraige is supposed to be about. I used to have an account on cafemom and everyone on there bitches at each other for not believing the same thing as them and I say shut the hell up and let people live how they want to live because it doesn't effect you.

Toni - posted on 06/24/2009

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I honestly dont think that the marriage title benefits the children either way. Having mommy and daddy together and in there lives, in a healthy relationship, wether married or not, is key. Kids base there knowledge of positive relationships around what they see every day, as long as mommy and daddy are in love and working together to raise the kids, I dont think it matters either way wether your married or not. On the other hand, I do think single parents are very courageous as well, and the children of these types of parents often grow with a knowlegde of how to be more independent and strong.

Kate CP - posted on 06/24/2009

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I have a friend who got married when he was 20 because he knocked up his girlfriend. He was so terrified of his mother that he caved when she demanded the two get married. It's been about 5-6 years and they are getting divorced, have three children together, and have been cheating on each other for years. They live on government assistance and he works at Wal-Mart because he doesn't know how to do anything else.

I think getting married because you're pregnant is not a good idea. I think you should get married because you found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. My friend and his kids (although he probably would have only had the first one) would have been much better off if he had never gotten married.

So is being married good for the kids? Only if it's a good marriage.

Stefanie - posted on 06/24/2009

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honestly in my opinion i dont think it really matters to the child if you are married or not. the only thing i believe that does matter is the environment you raise your kid in. if its a happy and loving home your child with thrive and live a great life....a piece of paper telling someone they are bound to another by law does nothing for the kid.

Jocelyn - posted on 06/24/2009

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Quoting Aurora:

i know what you mean Jocelyn, i was with my fiance for 3 months when i got pregnant. i do love him and we are getting married but what a shock when that happened. yes we do have it so much better, i have full benefit coverage because we are common-law so that was a bonus. but i think our government has to make some changes. i mean he shouldn't have been penalized because he didn't know that he would be a father by the end of the year. my daughter was born in nov.08. and i had to pay back hundreds of dollars because i claimed single in march 08.
anyways, it was nice to run into a canadian here, that doesn't happen much. not that i dont like americans, just sometimes i dont understand the conversations, or people dont understand me ;)


i had a good friend that that happened to (having to pay back the taxes)  i was soo lucky with our timing, our son was born in january!  made things a whole lot easier, lol.



and yes, it was nicing running across another Canadian :)  the american/canadian systems are just soo different that it's hard to understand the other side completely!

Joslyn - posted on 06/24/2009

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Quoting Kate:
 I think people who just "move in together" haven't made a serious, real, long-term commitment to be together and you never know what can happen, and the attitude is, we can get out of this if it no longer works. Then you have broken families and hurt kids. Not to mention that I think parents who are married when their kids are born are more likely to stay together than those who are just "together," leading to more involved fathers! And that's very important!





Just because two people are not married does not mean they are not commited to one another. My boyfriend is more involved with our daughter than my father EVER was with me and my parents WERE married. And while my mom was in the hopsital giving birth to me my father was out cheating on her, so NO just because you are married does not mean you are commited to someone.

Joslyn - posted on 06/24/2009

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I don't think marriage makes that big of a difference. My boyfriend proposed to me last year a few months before I became pregnant and we are rather focused on raising our 2 month old and wouldn't even have time to plan a wedding. Now we are thinking we will wait until she is 7 or 8 so she can be apart of the wedding and remember it. My parents got married because of me and divorced less than a year later. Also, our child's godparents have been together for 10 years have a baby together and are not married.

Beth - posted on 06/24/2009

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I think being married teaches our children about commitment. Not only are we vowing to stay together, but we are also vowing to love each other (or at least try) through the good times and bad. When we say we are going to get married - the word "divorce" should be deleted from our vocabulary. If that option is not of the table, anything can be worked through (with help at times). But if there is an out - most people will take the out and just give up. At least marriage makes that hard to accomplish.

[deleted account]

I just did a quick search on discrimination against unmarried couples. Here's one website:
http://www.unmarriedamerica.org/laws-aff...

In not sure if you're in the US or not, but this is definitely a problem we have here. In most states, if a father wants his child to inherit from him if he passes away, he must have it states clearly in a will. I know that in Maryland, this is the case even if the father's name is on the birth certificate. The same is true for power of attorney - if it isn't clearly spelled out in a living will, the nearest relative gets to make the medical decisions. This happened to my mother-in-law. She had lived with her partner for a long time, but when he got ill, his family made sure she wasn't able to visit him or take part in decisions involving his care. She didn't get to see him before he passed away.





Yes, unmarried couples can make an effort to get these legalities worked out in advance, but - as spelled out in the link I posted - some rights that married couples have are not available at all to unmarried couples, no matter how proactive they are.

Rachel - posted on 06/24/2009

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I'm married to the most wonderful man that i know and have known my entire life, and we have been together for almost 9 yrs, we have 3 kids that we both love and adore but in saying that we only got married last year. Before we were married we always refered to each other as my wife, my hubsband so our children really would have had no idea that we were'nt married if we had'nt of been honest with them from the start. To me it does'nt matter weather your married or just livivng with someone as long as you both show love, affection and respect towards each other it really does'nt matter about weather your married or not because the children will still learn the same lesson about love. So no i don't think marriage is any better than just living with someone because the children will learn the same values from a loving 15 yr relationship as they will from a 15 yr marriage, so whats the difference? If 2 people are in love with each other and know that they have the right one then it does'nt matter about marriage because they can teach their children how to love and show love. Absolutely nothing has changed in our household since we were married my son knows how to treat a woman because his dad teaches him that and my daughters know how to treat a man because i teach them that and they would have still learnt the same thing even if we had decided to not get married. So as i said as long as the kids see that mum and dad are in love with each other and would go to the end of the earth for each other then marriage is'nt really that important when it comes to raising kids.



"however, i do think there are significant legal benefits to marriage that are in the best interests of the children - inheritance, custody, tax breaks, etc"



Ok i don't really agree with this point and i really don't want an argument over it but i am just curious as to how you came to this conclusion? Inheritance would still be high on the parents lists of things for their children weather they are married or not because all parents want their children to get what is rightfully there's it does'nt matter weather they are just livivng together or they are married because every couple married or not married want whats best for their children. Custody still has to be worked out weather you are married or not married and most of the time thats done in the courts because when it comes down to it both parents will bag the other one out weather they were married or not to benefit themselves. As i said i was just wondering how you came to this conclusion because we also took this into consideration and we came to a different understanding of it, so i a'm just curious as to how you came to your conclusion, i'm really not trying to start a fight, i know that were all different people with different opinions, i am just really interested in hearing how you and your husband came to this conclusion. It's always good to get another persons point of view on how they came to their conclusion that way you broaden your own mind and views on things and you can have a better understanding of a person and their beliefs.

Kate - posted on 06/24/2009

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I wouldn't have had kids if I hadn't been married. I needed that kind of commitment, and it made me relax a lot. I felt like if we were willing to take that step together then we were fully committed to working out whatever came our way, rather than feeling like if something went wrong we had an "easy out."

I also think it is better for the kids, because the kids are part of family that has made the commitment to stay together and is a real unit. Not to mention that in most cases the parents then have the same last name which is just an outward sign that they are a unit. I think people who just "move in together" haven't made a serious, real, long-term commitment to be together and you never know what can happen, and the attitude is, we can get out of this if it no longer works. Then you have broken families and hurt kids. Not to mention that I think parents who are married when their kids are born are more likely to stay together than those who are just "together," leading to more involved fathers! And that's very important!

Amanda - posted on 06/24/2009

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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 yrs we have a beautiful 4 month old son and I don't want him to grow up and ask y Mommy doesn't have the same last name as him and his Daddy I am now trying to make that point to my bf he looks at his parents marriage which wasn't the greatest and doesn't want us to end up like them but we have been together and happy for 5 yrs and r nothing like his parents. He sees it would mean alot to me to b married and I think now he is finally seeing that we r nothing like them and won't end up hating each other like they did. Its a personal preference for me to b married now taht we have a child together it shows me he is committed to me and our son

Aurora - posted on 06/24/2009

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i know what you mean Jocelyn, i was with my fiance for 3 months when i got pregnant. i do love him and we are getting married but what a shock when that happened. yes we do have it so much better, i have full benefit coverage because we are common-law so that was a bonus. but i think our government has to make some changes. i mean he shouldn't have been penalized because he didn't know that he would be a father by the end of the year. my daughter was born in nov.08. and i had to pay back hundreds of dollars because i claimed single in march 08.
anyways, it was nice to run into a canadian here, that doesn't happen much. not that i dont like americans, just sometimes i dont understand the conversations, or people dont understand me ;)

Linda - posted on 06/24/2009

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Hi All,
Having been married for 18 years and then to have my husband walk in one day from work and say completely out of the blue "that he wanted a divorce" was the hardest thing for my children. I personally feel that both of us became to complacent with the marriage and took each other for granted. We ended up more like brother and sister, not husband and wife. That was over 4 years ago.
I then met a man afew months later, whom has 2 children of his own, like myself and we connected straight away. All of the children love that we are a happy family and my children call him "Dad" whilst his children call me " Mum". I dont refer to my partner's children as my "step children" as i feel that is actually saying they are my half children, where as i look at them as my own.
I can tell you first hand, that kids just want parents that are happy together and generally really dont care if you are married or not. My children are now old enough to realise that there are 2 Birthdays, 2 Christmas's etc! I guess they see it as the best of both worlds. My ex husband is engaged and has a "step daughter" and my partner and i are very happy with our 4 children. As long as the children are happy and healthy, and learn respect, love and honesty to us a bit of paper saying we are committed is not needed. We are both in it for the long haul. All marriage did for me was 1 years worth of court battles, and our solicitors were the ones to come out better financially.

Jocelyn - posted on 06/24/2009

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Quoting Aurora:



Quoting Jenifer:

Some people see marriage as a religious obligation, but that's not the case for me. I am married, but I honestly don't think that marriage itself had any bearing on the strength of our relationship. I was already strongly committed to my husband before we signed the paperwork. However, I do thing there are significant legal benefits to marriage that are in the best interests of children - inheritance, custody, tax breaks, etc - and that was a one thing we took into consideration before deciding to get married.






Im not sure where everyone lives or the laws that apply where you live but here in Canada, not being married has no effect on inheritance, custody or tax breaks. I myself am not married, i am engaed though and i told my fiance that if he proposed to me while i was pregnant that i would say no.  and the second my daughter was born the government automatically considered us married. also because of this i ended up owing the government money because i filed my taxes the year before as single, which i was. as far as i am concerned, the Canadian government discourges marriage by making you pay more taxes. my fiance also ended up owing the government because he didnt add my daughter as a dependant last year. but here is the thing, i was not even pregnant when we filed our taxes last year.






so what it comes down to is this, married or not, what happens when you loves someone, they love you, you want to get married but cannot afford the wedding, reception, and then whatever the government decides you owe them because now you have a husband.






you dont need marriage to have a healthy relationship with the father of your child. being married is not more stable for the children. seeing the love and respect that you have for one another provides more stability then a marriage certificate does. my parents were married and my father passed away when i was a baby. the only thing that i always said that i missed out on was seeing the relationship. it didnt matter to me weather or not they were married, it was watching how they lived together, how they handled problems together and so on. thats what is important, not a peice of paper.






take this comparison, marriage is like a house. the relationship is the foundation, the certificate is the house. without good foundation, the house falls down.






i would rather have just the foundation than to have a house that won't stand.






 






sorry guys, sometimes i ramble on and on and cant stop. good conversation though :)





haha good old canada eh?



i'm in alberta and yes the minute our son was born we were considered common-law/married...i hadn't even known his father for a year! so we were common law for almost 3 years and then got married...and nothing has changed for us, benifit wise.  when a couple is common law, i think we have it a bit better than you guys in the states! (no offence)

Nicole - posted on 06/24/2009

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I don't think marriage makes a difference to kids, as long as they have two loving parents that love them and each other, gay or straight. I got married when I was 20 after dating my husband for 10 months (and he was in basic training and tech school for the Air Force most of that time!) and here we are 5 years later, with a 6 month old little boy. I think I beat the statistics there, lol! You can be in love without being married, just like you can be married and not be in love. Personally, I find being married has a lot of incentives, like a bigger tax break! We didn't have a wedding or anything, it would've required more effort than we were willing to put forth (both our parents are divorced!), we just got married downtown, no friends or family (it was in another state). I don't think I could just live with someone forever without being married, and I'd rather my kids didn't either, but to each his own.

[deleted account]

It used to be the case here in the US that there was a 'marriage penalty' on federal taxes, but that changed several years ago. There are ways to arrange for power of attorney, health insurance, etc even if you are not married, but the laws vary state to state. There is often a lot of paperwork involved. Additionally, as a result of the uproar over gay marriage here, some states have passed laws declaring that the 'no rights afforded to a husband and wife can be given to unmarried partners' - there's a lot of variation in how that is interpreted. In some places, for example, you cannot get onto your partner's health insurance if you are not married. We chose to get married partly to simplify this process. But I certainly do believe that a committed unmarried couple can have just as strong and fulfilling a relationship as a married couple.

Aurora - posted on 06/24/2009

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Quoting Jenifer:

Some people see marriage as a religious obligation, but that's not the case for me. I am married, but I honestly don't think that marriage itself had any bearing on the strength of our relationship. I was already strongly committed to my husband before we signed the paperwork. However, I do thing there are significant legal benefits to marriage that are in the best interests of children - inheritance, custody, tax breaks, etc - and that was a one thing we took into consideration before deciding to get married.



Im not sure where everyone lives or the laws that apply where you live but here in Canada, not being married has no effect on inheritance, custody or tax breaks. I myself am not married, i am engaed though and i told my fiance that if he proposed to me while i was pregnant that i would say no.  and the second my daughter was born the government automatically considered us married. also because of this i ended up owing the government money because i filed my taxes the year before as single, which i was. as far as i am concerned, the Canadian government discourges marriage by making you pay more taxes. my fiance also ended up owing the government because he didnt add my daughter as a dependant last year. but here is the thing, i was not even pregnant when we filed our taxes last year.



so what it comes down to is this, married or not, what happens when you loves someone, they love you, you want to get married but cannot afford the wedding, reception, and then whatever the government decides you owe them because now you have a husband.



you dont need marriage to have a healthy relationship with the father of your child. being married is not more stable for the children. seeing the love and respect that you have for one another provides more stability then a marriage certificate does. my parents were married and my father passed away when i was a baby. the only thing that i always said that i missed out on was seeing the relationship. it didnt matter to me weather or not they were married, it was watching how they lived together, how they handled problems together and so on. thats what is important, not a peice of paper.



take this comparison, marriage is like a house. the relationship is the foundation, the certificate is the house. without good foundation, the house falls down.



i would rather have just the foundation than to have a house that won't stand.



 



sorry guys, sometimes i ramble on and on and cant stop. good conversation though :)

Girlio - posted on 06/24/2009

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My partner and I have decided not to get married either. Not for any religious reason(s), but because it's what we both want/feel comfortable with.

There is no more/less work involved with splitting up whether you are married or common law, and if you are worried about this and using this reason for/against marriage, then, in my opinion only, you are with the wrong person. You are already planning your break up. You are "covering all basis" but why would you want to be in a relationship where you suspect it might end? This is just as true for any couple, married or otherwise, heterosexual or homosexual.

I don't feel that myself or my partner are any more/less committed to each other than a married couple. The only reason I WOULD contemplate getting married, is so that if we decide on having children then all family members will have the same last name. (He has 2 children from a previous marriage with his last name).

I go to church and I believe in a god so this is not in anyway what so ever taking away from that, I have never been married. My partner however is Atheist but has been married.

I am all for those that want to get married and all for those that don't it's what is right for you as a couple! I guess "Pro-Choice"?

As for the kids - well the kids he has with a previous partner know that I love them, know I am here for them, and that daddy and I don't want to get married and are ok with it, they don't understand why though. Their mom is planning her wedding to her new BF and they don't want her to marry him at all! (or this is the story we here so please take it with a grain of salt). But being as how they have the same name as dad, and if dad and I had more children then he thinks the child should take my last name (cuz we aren't married) and I don't want the child to stand out from his/her half siblings so I would like them to have the same last name, and I get to carry the baby, why can't I give it's daddy's last name. That said, I don't want to be the ONLY one with a different name because that is also confusing....So, I will cross that bridge if I come to it, but for the time being I will continue on in my happy loving relationship with my partner unmarried.

Lisete - posted on 06/24/2009

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I think that the best for kids is to feel loved...and that is really regardless if parents are in a relationship or marriage. If marriage really was the absolute best for the kids, then why are there so many kids with emotional problems? Majority come from a family (marriage)...

I have been married for 16 years and my kids are happy kids...I think it is because they feel loved and have someone to guide them. If you are a single parent, you to have the capacity to give that to your children. About gays wanted to get married...I think its because they want something that they don't yet have (which I believe its their right)...who are we to say you can or cannot spend the rest of your life with that significant other? Let's leave that part to God! Straight people have that choice already and are learning that marriage is really a strong commitment that sometimes it requires too much to make it work or sometimes it really is not worth it.

?? - posted on 06/24/2009

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I think it completely depends on the people. I know families on both sides. Being married takes work. Living together takes work. What's to prevent someone from walking away regardless of whether you're married or not? Living together married or not married it all leads down the same road at the end - you either have the love there or you don't. Whether you get married or not is a personal decision - for most people isn't even a commitment anymore it's more of a financial decision.



I would love marry my boyfriend, but I'm not in any hurry to get married. I'm not going to force him to propose to me or I will leave him... he wants to get married too, but we want it to be special and a ceremony we can share with the people we love. He says he would like his son and his sons mom to have the same name - but only if I want to have his name - which I do lol



I think you can teach all the same "lessons" about love, dedication, trust, faithfulness, commitment, consideration, understanding, patience, about relationships in general - you can derive the same example from either situation.



I do agree with you Tammy that if you marry a jerk, you're no better off but I also don't think it's essential to be married to have a fulfilling, healthy, stable relationship. And it certainly doesn't mean your child will suffer at all, unless you make them suffer because of it.



Personally, I despise it when parents try to pawn their own wants, feelings, needs, desires etc onto their children. A couple examples - "if a couple doesn't get married the children will suffer." "If a couple get divorced their children will suffer." "If a single mom starts dating her child will suffer." I call bullshit. It does not matter what you do in your life - your children will ONLY suffer, if you make it into a situation where they can suffer.



So to me, being married or not has nothing to do with the childrens well being. A childs well being comes from giving your children a stable home, showing love to everyone that is in that home and getting all the attention/care they need.

[deleted account]

Some people see marriage as a religious obligation, but that's not the case for me. I am married, but I honestly don't think that marriage itself had any bearing on the strength of our relationship. I was already strongly committed to my husband before we signed the paperwork. However, I do thing there are significant legal benefits to marriage that are in the best interests of children - inheritance, custody, tax breaks, etc - and that was a one thing we took into consideration before deciding to get married.

Jessica - posted on 06/24/2009

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I don't think that there is any "right" or "wrong" answer. I chose to get married before having children because it was right for me. I think that being married is takes a bigger commitment but I don't know what is better for the kids.

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