Marriages, motherhood and having a threesome?

Amber - posted on 01/29/2010

i dont need to explain it to him anymore since he is reading it with me and now he understands and thats why i asked another question about sex and motherhood... hes open for new ideas instead of his threesome idea...

Sheree - posted on 01/29/2010

Not sure how to reply with a quote, you wrote the below message,

" as i said before we are open about sex not embarassed... as he is sitting beside me and reading the responses..."

Well if your husband has just read all the responses, well why do you still need to explain it to him. He's obviously read the thread so he should know now how you feel.

Kierre - posted on 01/29/2010

It's called Mommy mode which men do not go through being the daddy. I have had 3 children in the last 6 years, yes by choice and being preggers or breastfeeding for SIX years has caused a decline in sex drive. I have had many conversations about quality and more often quantity of sex with my husband that has led to me feeling defensive and undesirable. Let him know that you have out grown that stage of life and are in a new phase...who knows when the next phase will come but maybe it will bring out a more sexually spontaneous sober side that will surpass those college days gone by. Parental sex can tend to be a bit 'boring' in comparison but the love of creating children together has out shone any wild and crazy places or positions of the past. stick to your inner voice and hang in there, our youngest is now 6 months and desire is returning, now it is about finding the time (4 kids total up in this family) :)

Rebecca - posted on 01/28/2010

wow i can't believe he would disrepect you that way...u r his wife and the mother to his children ....honey i feel for u and will pray for u....i know what i would do if my hubby asked...but he knows better i was a golden gloves winner 2x when younger...lol

Kimberly - posted on 01/28/2010

My husband and I read this post. My husband thinks you should give your man more oral sex. It always makes a man happy. then tell him how you feel about haveing 3somes.

Chastity - posted on 01/28/2010

Wow, everyone has opinions; just like we all have noses :) As we all should. Ultimately this is up to you and your husband. You do need to be open and honest with him and explore your sexuality together. Being a mommy does not mean you can't be that sexy wild girl in bed anymore! Now granted being preggo does put a damper on that and that is only because generally women do not feel sexy pregnant. You feel fat, bloated, and well just not yourself and you are physically more tired; especially when you are already chasing one around the house! But just keep in mind you are still every part of that girl. You have grown and matured and i'm sure your out look on things has changed. But you are still you, you have grown and evolved is all. Marriage isn't all about sex but it is a huge part. Men do have a different way of thinking than women though so explaining to him why or why you don't want to do this may not be all, you may have to give examples to him like mentioned above in some of the other posts. I will not give you my opinion of what is morally right or wrong, I am not living you life or walking in your shoes. I will encourage you to explore your sexualtiy and to me that doesn't mean running out and having a threesome. Lay there in bed one day thinking of different things...see what turns you on. Talk about fantasies with one another...this could help. And do keep in mind that yes you are pregnant but what isn't sexy about it? You are carrying the baby that you 2 made together, you are doing something that he could never do and it is sexy and incredible. Explore together and that doesn't ever mean you have to invite another person into your exploring, unless you both so choose. I do feel comfortable saying though that you have some figuring out of your own feelings about sex and sexuality in general before the 2 of you explore this part of it any further. There are consequences and even as open as you are...hearts can easily get crushed when even the tiniest bit of jealousy is envolved and it can happen. I guess in general i'm saying figure you out first and please don't feel that being a mommy makes you any less of a "sex goddess"! And also keep in mind that (and this is only my opinion) your sex life and what you do is your business...no one else's. There are no real bragging rights...we all do it, have sex I mean. And I would question the maturity level of your husbands buddies if this is still an important topic to them. And deployments are hard...it's a roller coaster of emotions, which in itself is a whole different topic. Hang in there...choose what is best for you, don't put yourself in jeopardy or your marriage. Open communication is the only way. Best of luck in finding your answer and thru your deployment together and mommyhood (it's tough but oh ever so worth it!).

Rachel - posted on 01/28/2010

First off, my husband has made the occasional passing comment about having a threesome. Secondly, I am totally with you on this one. Being married means you are each others partners. Partner implies 2 people. Anything else becomes a group. You are not involved in a "group" marriage and therefore your sex life should be limited to the 2 of you because he is your partner and you are his partner. Additionally, throwing kids into the mix changes things. You should not have to explain that you think it is an inappropriate example to set for your children. Explain it to him this way, would he want your children involved in a threesome? If his answer is no, then there is his answer for your threesome. DO NOT SET AN EXAMPLE YOU DON'T WANT YOUR KIDS TO FOLLOW! As parents it is our responsibility to set the best example possible for our kids. Plain and simple, if you wouldn't want your kid to do it, you shouldn't be doing it either. Parenting is not a "do as I say and not as I do" kind of deal. Kids will usually do what their parents do.

Charlene - posted on 01/28/2010

You have the right to set boundaries, and this sounds like it is one of them. It really has nothing to do with being a mommy vs coed- you're just not at a point in your life where having multiple partners is a positive thing for you.

So rather than freaking out at him about it... what do *you* think would spice up your sex life? Give some alternatives to try.

Mommy doesn't have to equal missionary position only, your sex and sexuality doesn't have to meet certain criteria once you've given birth. The IMPORTANT thing for a healthy sex life is clear communication between *consenting* adults.

I highly recommend "The Mothers Guide To Sex: Enjoying Your Sexuality Through All Stages of Motherhood"

Inci - posted on 01/28/2010

Ok, any one remembers that episode of friends when Ross's wife INSISTED on a threesome???? If my husband where to insist on a threesome I would insist on him to watch me cheat on his ass with another man to get my sex drive back!!!! Men has to understand that we are not sexual objects,, and we will respect their fantasises and do some of them to heat up the relation,, but they should be reasonable!!! I think you should just be honest and tell him that you are not comfortable with this idea, and there are plenty of ways to heat things up other than sharing your bed with other women...!!

Christina - posted on 01/28/2010

ok, your orignal post was about hubby wanting a 3sum. ignoring him, and pregnancy for a moment, do YOU want to do it? I have 3 gorgeous children, my youngest has just turned 2. before kiddies came along, my hubby and I experimented alot with sex, including 3sums, but we agreed that when I fell pregnant, it stopped. Recently he brought up the subject again, and I said to him that yes, I wouldnt mind doing it again, but not right now as I couldnt leave the kids for a weekend, and I wouldnt want to do it in our house. this has left the door open for the future should I ever feel ready to indulge in such pleasures. Yes, in some cases it can ruin a relationship, but so can many other things. honesty and trust is a must in every marriage, but not everyone is made up the same, so it all comes down to what you want. no, you're not the same girl anymore, but you are a woman and only you know your wants and fantasies. as for seperating being a mummy and sex, its hard because things always happen, but apart from escaping for the night so its just you two again (which i cant do due to sitters ect, maybe different for you) the only way is when kids are in bed, to shut them off mentally. not ignore them obviously, but to introduce new things into the bedroom that maybe you havent done for a while. there is lots to do!! hope this has helped xx

Michele - posted on 01/28/2010

How about saying it just like that! Tell him that in the past perhaps you would have thought about it but now.....since you had your baby, you feel differently about things. You have grown to care about more than just your desires for sex. You have someone that is counting on you to set an example for them as they grow into young adults. You husband should stop and think....... If your young one is a girl, would he want his daughter following her husband or boyfriends urging to have a threesome? I would hope not! Additonally, Where is the romance and love in a threesome? Once it is done, you can never take it back. Please think long and hard about it b4 it tears you up.

Charlene - posted on 01/28/2010

ask him what is it about the threesome's that does it for him....is it just the thought of you with another woman? or what? Let him know your not that person anymore but if your willing to role play or whatever than that could be something new and exciting. I dont believe in divorce either and my husband has asked once or twice about a threesome and I just told him outright that I could not see myself doing it because I do not want to be with anyone else other than him and I'm focued on our family and keeping us healthy. Having a threesome allowes for a door to be opened that once it has been opened can never be closed, you will always have thoughts and insecurities about it. Maybe even just talking about the previous threesome or what he would like to see with you and another lady would be a good starting off point for role play. Good luck.

Jaime - posted on 01/28/2010

I am having the exact same issue. I don't know how to fix your mind and not think that way. I would love to have the confidence I used to as well. Opening your relationship just is not the way to bring you back to the way you were pre-kid. I only see it as hurting you as a person and your relationship. Like I said, been there, done that, lost a lot. Wether it's worth it is up to you. Good Luck, Sweets!

Courtney - posted on 01/28/2010

I would be pissed if my husband suggested that. I would think I wasn't good enough if he wanted to bring somebody else into our marriage. Just tell him "hey, i've grown up and I'm a mother now. Threesomes are not in my idea of being a good wife and responsible mother" If he loves you, he'll understand.

Jennifer - posted on 01/28/2010

Just be honest, tell him how you feel, and don't be judgemental. Try and come up with a few idea to throw at him yourself. Role play and a hotel room can be interesting!

Myrtis - posted on 01/28/2010

Some of the replies I've read are implying that your husband is wrong for asking you to try something that he finds exciting. If you're not into it then just tell him, but I don't think that there is anything wrong with him asking. I certainly don't think it's degrading to you unless you're doing something that you don't enjoy.

That being said, I have to agree that one's sex life does change drastically after having children and I don't think that there is anything wrong with that, I think we start to shift our perspectives away from that young single lifestyle. Maybe your husband is trying to recapture his youth?

I also happen to think that there isn't anything wrong with couples who are capable of maintaining very active sex lives after children. If you feel sexy then you SHOULD celebrate that, pregnant or not (as long as doctor says it's OK), if you have the energy and the babysitters on hand, I say go for it! There is nothing wrong with being sexy and being a mom. :)

Beverly - posted on 01/28/2010

the only thing i can say is that the few couples i knew that did any kind of threesomes or swaping ended up in divorce!

Amanda - posted on 01/28/2010

You just have to be honest, that is your husband!

Candice - posted on 01/28/2010

I understand how you feel & I agree. There are alot of ways to add excitement to your sex life w/o feeling uncomfortable. The most important thing is to have intimacy first.My husband and I have date night one night a month;sometimes we double date w/our best friends. Leave the kids overnight at a grandparents or close friends, so you don't have to be anxious all night.(Try to make morning pick-up time for mid-morning)
It may not happen the first or second time,but after awhile you will see that you will come home after an adult night out,and you will feel cozy together & you just might wake up and WANT morning sex because you have relaxed and got much needed rest.
Once you both get comfortable with this special time just for you; you will be surprised what just might happen :D Best Wishes.

LaReis - posted on 01/28/2010

You can just simply be open and honest with him and tell him that, maybe that was a phase you went through back then, but you have outgrown and matured past that stage in your life. tell him that you are still more than enough for him and that your a little offended by the fact that he feels the need to bring in another person in order to turn up the heat.I have been married for twelve years and there are plenty of ways to pep it up without violating the sanctity of marriage!

Danielle - posted on 01/28/2010

if you really want to do it then go ahead...i personally dont think i could do it..but thats just me...however sex is sex and OMG i miss it soo much :(..i have been single for well over a yr and its killing me...i miss the big O,lol....
And you never know maybe a 3some will arouse you 2?

As for separating between mummy and wife i SADLY dont have that problem....but i think when ur child is in bed then its YOUR time and can spend it however you wish, if that b playing out sexual fantasties then so be it as long as it isnt hurting anyone then whats the harm?

Jana - posted on 01/28/2010

Ok I didn't read ALL the responses, but this could be you, not him. I know a lotof people will differ, but you yourself said you ar not that hot chick" anymore. You are feeling tired, pregnant, and well like a mom. Mom's are supposed to be respected and held in high regard, so the thought is silly to you. Just remember, men are simple, theyare easily turned on and only think of sex (almost always) If you aren't comfy with the idea, then tell him. I fhe love you he will understand, however, keep the idea of it for bedroom fantasy talk. You aren't hurting anything thing by making up stories and talking about it. This way, you don't have to do the act, but he is still turned on. Just my humble opinion. I've been married 21 years, don't be so quick to leave, it will all work out if you want it to.

Natalie - posted on 01/27/2010

You have to tell him how you feel!
I think most men dream about having three-some sometime in their life. But i think it's not a healthy way to spice up a marriage.... i think when you're young and you're with partner and you're not planning on staying together forever it is ok to try it.

But in a healthy marriage i think it's a no-go. At least for me. My husband i know for sure would LOVE one. But he's also not thinking about our future after that. How will he see me, how will i see him?
He would wanna do it with another woman... well, i do NOT want any other woman near my man. And i told him that's how i feel. I asked him how he would feel if we had it with another guy.... and he would do all those things to me that my husband does. Would he think about that everytime he sees him? Would it break up our marriage because of it.

Quite honestly that's not a risk i'm willing to take and neither is he. So we talk about it openly and he understands that i will NEVER do a threesome with him.

If he ever feels like i'm not enough for him he needs to let me know and we can work on it but bringing another person in to our bedroom is not an option for us.

So yes, talk to him about it openly. If he doesn't understand it.. well, i don't know. You guys have to find a solution.

Stacey - posted on 01/27/2010

I will give him this much... the man has balls. And he is also clearly a douche bag. I know that's not really constructive, but I call them like I see them. Good luck, babe!

Amanda - posted on 01/27/2010

Just let him know how you really feel. Let him know that you truthfully aren't that girl anymore and you have changed. I used to be in your same shoes. But unfortunately my soon to be ex husband took it to the next level and cheated on me. I was open and honest about how i felt and what i thought was inappropriate for me as a mother and wife. He was just more worried about his needs and he wasn't ready for fatherhood or to be a husband... Therefor it lead to us getting a divorce.
Good Luck and really think about letting him know exactly how you feel.

Megan - posted on 01/27/2010

Oh, and may I also suggest that you read "The Invisible Bond" by Barbara Wilson.

Megan - posted on 01/27/2010

Having a 3some would be a great mistake and most likely will ruin your marriage. Just be honest with him....if he wants a 3some there is something else going on, once you open the door to stuff like that it only gets worse, b/c eventually the 3some won't be enough then he'll want to try other things when that no longer satisfies. May I suggest you read "Every Mans Battle" by Fred Stoeker and Steve Arterburn, it will give you a better understanding of how men think...I always knew they thought differently when it came to sex, but that book was a real eye opener. If your husbands a reader, maybe you could gently suggest he read it once you already have. I'm sure you'll have a lot of questions for him once you've read it.

'Penny - posted on 01/27/2010

been there, and refused to do that...so I divorced him.

Sylviaa - posted on 01/27/2010

Find a girl and have it. At least he's asking you to participate rather then sneaking behind your back with a random girl for a cheap thrill.!!

Tah - posted on 01/27/2010

if my husband wanted that then he would already be one down..me....to me it's cheating if your there or not and you should be able to say look, i don't want to do that and he should respect it, go find a abandoned building a bathroom 3wishes.com or something there is spice without adding sarah trust me...

Amber - posted on 01/27/2010

as i said before we are open about sex not embarassed... as he is sitting beside me and reading the responses...

Marianne - posted on 01/27/2010

Also... when it comes to privacy, what would he feel like if he knew you were having this discussion? He married that college girl, but did he think she'd talk about his sexual desires online?

Laura - posted on 01/27/2010

your a mum not a nun. but if its just for bragging rights tell him to get stuffed.

Marianne - posted on 01/27/2010

I totally agree. What has happened to all these women? It's like they gave up being alive! I give everything I can to my daughter, but she will grow up more sane if I also love my husband, my job, and my husband's sex drive.

Marianne - posted on 01/27/2010

Oh wow. Do it. Do it for him. What have you got to lose? He'll probably back off the idea if you get in to it. You married him... you have a sexual contract. You should at least try it. Most of the things It's sex! It's not about 'comfortable'. When did women think that sexual generosity was only the province of the man? If he's impotent at 50, you'll only have yourself to blame. We have to nurture our husbands' libidos, or we lose them. In every sense. Not pretty but it is life. And it's fun...

Princess - posted on 01/27/2010

I think u should jus let him knw u dnt wnt 2 do it.. U r a mother 2 ur children & a wife 2 him... With tat said u r nt a toy 2 no1...

Sarah - posted on 01/27/2010

DISGUSTING! Any guy to suggest a thing to a women, especially his pregnant wife in my opion is a total and complete ASS!!! Let him know how disrespectful that it is to even suggest such a thing to you.... Let him know up front that this is a NO WAY NO HOW! and it would be very wise on his part to never mention or even think about it again.....

Jenny - posted on 01/27/2010

Way to go Gina! I've had my experiments in the past and wouldn't rule it out in the future in the right situation.



The bottom line though is you feeling uncomfortable about it. If you're not fully willing then the conversation ends then and there.

Gina - posted on 01/27/2010

I read a few of the replies and I agree that you should tell him how you feel, but in my opinion there are a lot of prudes out there. I'm 43 and my husband is 30, we have a 7yr old and I suggested to my husband a few months ago that we have a threesome. In the past, long before we met, we both have had threesome experiences. He had it with 2 females and I had 2 males. You have to really love and trust your partner to ask this of them. Trust is the main factor. You talk it over, et ground rules and chose someone together. If you don't agree on the person then it doesn't happen because this is where the trust begins. Since your husband is insisting, he might be looking for a way to cheat without actually cheating.

Brittany - posted on 01/27/2010

I would maybe explain to him that it isn't something you would do physically, but mentally you can dirty talk about other women with him during sex, etc. Men are easily aroused and it just might take a few words as simple as, "What would you do to her?" to take him over the edge. You could even try role playing with wigs or something so he feels as though he is with someone else. It all depends on what you're comfortable with - and if a threesome isn't for you, you shouldn't compromise that. You would probably only regret it afterwards.

Amber - posted on 01/27/2010

okay inisting was maybe a bad word how about asking about it alot... and i guess im having different feelings about it now that im a mother... I sometimes get grossed out even about sex in general bc im someones mom... i dont mind fantasies but if i go thru with them i.e.(having a threesome, wearing slutty clothes out, being crazy wild girl in bed like i used to be) bc im a someones mother and god what would my child think if he knew i was this kind of person ya know so part of me wants to do this and open my shell and let my inner sex goddess and break out so to say but then part of me thinks good god a mom cant do this kind of stuff.... so another question would be how do you moms have a sex life without feeling guilty that youre a mom now? is there a line between mommy and wife and how do you seperate the two?

Jaime - posted on 01/27/2010

Put your foot down!! If he is not willing to be a man and give you some space while your prego, then do you honestly think he's gonna care about how you feel for the recoop. I have found from experience that if he's pushing you towards that direction, he's already got someone in mind and only wants your permission to go there. Unfortunately men are more transparent then we give them credit for. I would watch out. Good luck to you.

Jessica - posted on 01/27/2010

i wouldnt do it if your pregnant and if your not that girl anymore, just explain to him that the years and mommyhood have mellowed out his good ol party girl. before i had my daughter i drank, smoked alot of pot and did some other things that probably were not for my health benefits. just be honest with your husband. he loves you, he'll understand

Jane - posted on 01/27/2010

I didn't see any problem w/ a threesome (if it's ok w/ both parties) but the only thing that really bothers me is that he's going to tell his friends about it? That's a big no,no. If you do decide to have a threesome (w/ a guy or girl & it does happen more often then you think) there needs to be rules & the 1st rule is it is not talked about outside of the 3 of you. That's all I have to say.

Carolyn - posted on 01/27/2010

Ask him if he would be ok have a 3some with another guy.. he needs to think like you!

LuAnn - posted on 01/27/2010

well he should never expect you to be that girl in the first place. Let him know how it truley makes you feel that he was to share your intimate and personal time with some other person. You have created a family now, and he should not want nor expect you to want to invite another women into the picture, you should be good enough for him... that's why he married you isin't it. Whatever happen just be honest don't hold back your true feelings, if he loves you then he will understand. Maybe if you are up to "uping" your sex life too, then suggest some ways you are interested in that aren't involving other people... ie. toys, movies (kama sutra is not all skanky if your not looking for that in a video), costumes... whatever your fancy

Vanessa - posted on 01/27/2010

Yes a male fantasy indeed. I personnally think it's gross. My ex-boyfriend did that to me for a while. After many times of asking him to stop asking and insisting he respected my decission and never said it again. Just talk with him in a sencere, calm way...his love for you SHOULD be more than the desire of that fantasy. Besides, he probably already did it before, so he's already got it out of his system. If you give in, he will want it again and again.

Judy - posted on 01/27/2010

You are wise to think that this is not an activity that either of you should be engaged in. STD's are one huge concern, the health of your unborn child is another, and then there is the relationship between you and your husband.

This type of behavior is the first step to marital infidelity and the deterioration of your marriage. Viewing pornography is just as addicting and just as violating for all involved. Neither of these activities are healthy or cause safety and intimacy to increase between spouses.

There is a serious underlying spiritual depravity or perversion that needs to be dealt with. This is done by counseling with a Christian counselor who is well acquainted with sexual addictions and perversions and will take time, commitment and effort to get free from this mental torment.

Get help as a couple right away before something worse comes against you!

Darlene - posted on 01/27/2010

I think its a pretty great story to tell your buddies that you are happily married have one wonderful child and another on the way!!! I bet lots of his buddies are actually envious and wish they could have that life instead of the life of a single guy going around screwing a bunch of different women...just a thought.

Kate - posted on 01/27/2010

Just tell him, NO. I echo what Alison says: Look for other ways to spice things up- other partners are just not an option.