Married

Whitney - posted on 03/21/2010

i say GO FOR IT! she probably does feel left out but just explain to her that a ceremony CAN be held at a later date! or... you can offer her the honor of PAYING FOR IT! and see if she is then a little more understanding...

Renae - posted on 03/21/2010

After reading your post about your mother wanting the big wedding and not being able to pay for it. I would just elope, whoever said that they will get over it is right. Good grief. Video tape it to shoe them later, that way they won't miss out. The sooner the better so you can get on with your life!

Renae - posted on 03/21/2010

It's your life and your wedding day. Although just to play devil's advocate, if it were me and you were my daughter, I would feel very sad about not being able to give my daughter the wedding I thought she deserved. I have two sons and sadly, will never be "mother of the bride". Your mother has probably dreamed about your wedding day as much or more as she did her own. I do think that it is rude to exclude your own mother from your wedding, but then again, I don't know a thing about your relationship with her. She probably feels left out and very hurt, because it feels as though you don't want her there. I would be brokenhearted if I missed out on wither one of my sons wedding days. I understand that it is about you and she probably wants to make it about you. You should at least invite her. Another suggestion is to allow moms and dads only and then have a reception for everyone else later on. You should feel very blessed to have so many people who love you enough to want to share in your special day.

Angela - posted on 03/21/2010

Stephaine,

It's important that you follow your hard. The scripture saids If it be possible live peacely with all men. This means for will not always please people and have. People are hard to pleasure. The best thing to do is seek God. Let him show you what to do. Once he speaks disregard eveyone opinions.

Angela

Amanda - posted on 03/20/2010

My husband and I got married and it was just the 2 of us. Having a young son put a major cramp on our finanaces but we have been married 12 years this June and I have never regreted it being just us. We had a reception the following weekend for the family and gave my mother the full control of it to pacify her. Seemed to work out. She enjoyed planning it and my husband and I got to enjoy just being together.

Suki - posted on 03/20/2010

Wow does that bring back memories!!! My husband and I eloped in las vegas after being engaged for 1 year. I was pregnant and we were moving to another state and would lose my state medical so we got married early to ensure my delivery would be covered. Most of our family was understanding except for my husbands mother and brother. So we planned a vow renewal ceremony in Mexico for our entire family. My mother in law was outraged that we would get married in ,as she called it "dirty Mexico" and harrassed us so much we just cancelled it. Now I have such a huge resentment towards both his mother and my husband. I highly suggest speaking your mind and letting them know it is YOUR day or else you will stew about it for the rest of your life. Good luck.

Dee - posted on 03/20/2010

Do it your way and then later let your mom have a special event planned at a family reunion or dinner or holiday where she has a tiny cerimony for you and your new hubby. This way you do your thing and she can do hers . A wedding need not have the white dress and flowers and hoop-lah it needs two honest loving people committed to each other.

Jackie - posted on 03/20/2010

i went and got married with just 2 witnesses and my 3 year old son and i told our families after we only wanted a quiet thing and it was about ud being together after all our families werent too happy at all but im happy with the way we did it, u just need to sit her down and tell her its wat u really want and just hope that she will be happy with that if not just remember its about u and ur hubby to be and your boy and as long as u guys are happy thats all that matters x

Raquel - posted on 03/20/2010

At the end it's your choice and your money...we got maaried at our home and only spent $300 on our wedding; $100 for the judge to come over to our house (it's cheaper if you get married in the courthouse), $50 for rings (we got the cheapest "bands" we could find & upgraded later), $50 for beer (couldn't be a wedding without the beer), $100 on fajitas & etc. It was a total of eight people there and now we're planning to renew our vows in church on our 10 year wedding anniversary....it worked for us...good luck, sometimes simple & cheaper is always better :)

Sandra - posted on 03/20/2010

get married wherever you want cuz at the end of the day it's your day not theirs & if they loved you as much as they say they do they would respect your choice, but your mum as to be at the wedding just cuz it's a thing mum's have to do....

Carrol - posted on 03/20/2010

yes....stand up to your family and tell them your grown this is your choice this is want you want at least for now...tell them your sorry you dont want to hurt them but this is the way its going to be...

Tonisha - posted on 03/19/2010

I met my husband in the military and we got married by a justice of the peace in a small law office. My husband and I both had a military buddy as a best man and maid of honor. We were in Colorado and our families were in other states. his California and mine Tennessee. The lady that married us let me call my mom so that she could listen in on the ceremony. It was kinda like she was there even though she was thousands of miles away. Maybe you could do something like that.

Julie - posted on 03/19/2010

Pick a date/time, invite those people who support you in how YOU want to get married, go the the courthouse and get married. Hope you have the wonderfule wedding day YOU and your fiance want!! Best of Luck!!

Lynette - posted on 03/19/2010

You could always get some great photos at a park, beach or something makes nice photos. We got married at a Library and didn't our pictures at the park, got some great photos.

Stephanie - posted on 03/19/2010

For the new posts...We are going to stick with the courthouse marriage. We'll invite a few people though. I can understand quite a few reasons why my mom wants a bigger celebration. She had 2 big weddings herself, she actually photographs weddings for people, I'm her only daughter out of 4 kids, I was always the "favorite" child, the 1st one to get married, we'll probably move even farther away than we already are, she believes its a huge life altering event, which I do believe it is important, but my day to day life won't change. We've been together since 05 and lived together since 07. We've seen the really good and really bad times and still made it through.

Lynette - posted on 03/19/2010

You could try and see if you can talk her into have a ceremony wedding / vow renewal at a later date. My husband and I got married in a Library and my parents were our witnesses. My parents lived near by where my in-laws our across the country. Not sure if that helps any, but good luck!

Maggie - posted on 03/19/2010

i know how you feel stephanie. i'm gettin married in less than a month and the hell i have gone through is absolutley ridiculous!!! I've heard weddings are stressful but the crap i went through is stupid. I'm gettin married in the chinese gardens in sydney as i've always loved the outdoors. my parents would have loved it if i got married in a church.
at the end of the day it is YOUR weddin and no one elses. do what makes you happy and is affordable and if that means havin it in the courthouse do that and then have a big bbq afterwards. i hope everythin turns out well for you all the best

Kimberly - posted on 03/18/2010

I am sorry to read about the struggle you are having with your mom. We as daughters always want our mom's approval. Have you asked her why this is so important to her. Perhaps It is about having a wedding, though they are a lot of work they are a memory to cherish. Or perhaps she wants you to be married in a church because Marriage is more than a legal agreement. It is a covenant between you, your partner and God. Marriage is tough at times. Especially when you have lived together to try it out. If you tried it and its all good I guarantee you there will come a time when it seems all bad and you wonder what did I do? That is when you realize it is a life long committment and you need to lean on God. I am not trying to heap more guilt on you. Remember not one can make you feel guilty. You have to chose to feel guilty. If you are not doing anything intentionally to hurt anyone there should be no guilt. Just talk to your mom tell her you love her, she is important to you and you cant afford it. Best wishes and blessings for your future.

Vicky - posted on 03/18/2010

While I don't know how to make her understand that it's not about her, what I can say is that it is about the two of you and no body else. I also don't believe that there is any need to spend a large amount of money on a wedding either. The courthouse is my wedding choice as well. I don't think it's rude to invite the people you want with when you get married. You choose the people who are close to you. If they are making you feel horrible about it I would be inclined to go and do it without anyone and just get two random people to be your witnesses. Then have a party to share it with everyone else a week or two later. I know a number of people who have done it that way.
Just do what makes you happy and maybe ask your mother if her wedding was planned by her mother for her and how she would/did feel about it.

Josephine - posted on 03/18/2010

look it is your day and his, your not marrying his family only him. we wanted a very small like 12 people and that is it but on both sides our family were saying that was not right but did it any way with a very big reception. dont cave in for it almost tore us apart. he was the one to put his foot down and said this was our day and not theirs. i was not marrying his family and he was not marrying mines. so in the end it was great that we stuck to what we wanted for we could not please everyone.

Justine - posted on 03/18/2010

It's your day. Do it the way you would like it. I got married at the courthouse- I have no regrets and it saved us the $20,000 or so a wedding costs these days. We put it in a college fund for our son instead. At the courthouse where we were married, there was enough room for our parents and some friends. so perhaps they might feel better if they were invited to attend. Usually the ceremonies can be performed outside the courthouse, such as on the steps, as well. Hope this helps. Good luck and congrats!

Jennifer - posted on 03/18/2010

I couldn't stand my mil and he didn't want a wedding at all so that's what we did. Told everybody about it the following week......after 8 years still get a little grief but we got what we wanted and looking back...I'm so glad we saved all that money!

Natalie - posted on 03/18/2010

not at all!!! its your life hun, im very unforchant that my mom is no longer with us, but if she was and saying all the things your mom is id tell her were 2 go, me and my mom were very close and id still tell her. you need 2 sit ur mom down and tell her straight.

Rebekah - posted on 03/18/2010

You know your decision is just that - yours. When you get to this point in your life, the family you grew up in takes a back seat, so to speak, and your immediate family is now your husband/father of your child, and your son. I don't mean be disrespectful to them or anything, but you need to stand your ground. We have had to set some boundaries between ourselves and our extended families over the past few years for the well being of our immediate family and we have gotten more respect for standing our ground. I think your extended family needs to realize that you are doing what you should be doing and what they raised you to do and that's making your own decisions. Maybe your mother feels upset because she always wanted you to have a wedding. But I hope she can come to understand that you are your own person and you are not her. Best Wishes!.

Diane - posted on 03/18/2010

Just read that you were going to have parents and grandparents.........yipeeeeeeee
You will NEVER regret it.
And CONGRATULATIONS.............

Sara - posted on 03/18/2010

Congrats! I'm glad it is all going to work out for you. I did a courthouse wedding also and wouldn't change it for anything. We just had our parents and each of us had a friend there( kind of best man/maid of honor). Then we left the courthouse and met up with siblings, grandparents and a couple morie friends at a resteraunt. That way they were still sharing a very special day with us withbout filling up the courthouse.

Stephanie - posted on 03/18/2010

I can't believe how many people responded to this. Thank you. I like to hear from people on both sides. We decided to invite my parents and his parents/grandparents. That's all! Since it will be at a courthouse I figured it was no big deal who was/wasn't there. We don't live in the same place as ANY of my family or my fiance's family so it seems like a waste of a long drive/flight in my eyes, but it is up to them. I guess we'll have a graduation/reception party maybe in a restaurant where everyone can pay for their part, & still celebrate? That SHOULD work for most people. Thanks for the help. Applied for a license yesterday so we're almost there =)

Diane - posted on 03/18/2010

The decision is yours but try to see their side of it. I will be honest......I could cope with my daughter at the court house but I would be upset if one of her friends or neighbors were the witnesses. A marriage is about the two getting married......but in the larger picture it' s about two families joining and sharing the joy. It is every little girls dream to marry her prince charming.........but its also a dream of a mother and father to see their daughter marry however it happens. The court house has to be big enough to fit two sets of parents in.....
They shouldn't make you feel horrible.....but at least understand how your parents feel about not seeing you marry.

Keeshea - posted on 03/18/2010

Did your mother have a "real" wedding or did she too get married at the courthouse? She may want you to have the wedding she never had. Your mom must realize that this is your special moment and you are entitled to have it your way. You have to do what would make you happy (and what you can afford). Your mom will understand and even if she doesn't, she'll get over it.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/18/2010

Your mom sounds like a pushy needy person in general. My mom was at the courthouse with us when we got married, but she respected me enough to stay out of the delivery room when my children were born. She recognized that as something between a couple. You may be able to compromise since everyone will be there for graduation. You could do the courthouse thing and then have a graduation/reception later or even have a certified person come to the house and marry you there. your family will always love you no matter what. you have to make you happy and decide what you want, and put your foot. Keep it firmly planted once you have made up your mind 100% though.

Kelly - posted on 03/18/2010

You 2 should do what makes you happy. I have been married to the same wonderful man for 17 years now. We got married at the courthouse. Our families felt the same way. Except I don't think any of them wanted to see us together period. The funny thing about our situation is my sister in law was getting married also she spent over $20,000 on her wedding and ended up getting divorced as to where I spent $45 on mine and am still married. I have found over the years we will never see eye to eye with our parents and in-laws so its best to do what you and your fiance feels right.

Theresa - posted on 03/18/2010

Do what you want. If the family wants to make a big deal out of it they can throw a party for you later.

Samantha - posted on 03/18/2010

you should atleast invite your mom and dad and his..Its the biggest day of your lives.

Marie - posted on 03/18/2010

HI there you dont know me but just to let you know is that when you get married it is a big deal to the family. Exspecially your parents. I understand that you do not want to have a big wedding and you want to support yourself and dont have much money. So why dont you have the justicde of the people have a small little wedding somewhere where you invite just your family and a few friends. You can do it to little to nothing. The brides family is suppose to pay for the wedding. You dont have to buy anything exspensive you dont have to do anything big at all. BUt honestly if you dont have your family there you will regret it sooner or later. Trust me I know, I regret a lot of things in life. Most of all I seriously wish my parents could have been at my wedding but they are both no longer living and have been gone for over 10 years now. I hope that this helps and that you can find your way.
Marie

Mandi - posted on 03/18/2010

Just ignore them. It IS about you, not them. Do whatever you want to do. They'll get over it. You cant let people get you down, just move on with your life.

Brandi - posted on 03/18/2010

You are being VERY reasonable. Sounds to me like both families shouuld be proud of how you are handling this whole thing. Financially speaking you are on the right track "if you don't have it...You don't have it. You two have the rest of your lives to build a future together and when you have MONEY laying around a second wedding with all the bells and whistles may be fun.But for now, you are going in the right direction making good sound choices. Good for you! Congrats and good luck. Marraige is a wonderful thing!

Sarah - posted on 03/18/2010

It sounds like it is time to grow up, both you and your Mom. Sounds to me that you are being smart financially. Why not go ahead and get married at the courthouse WITHOUT telling your Mom and then extend an olive branch. Ask your Mom to host a reception at HER house. Either way, the sooner your Mom realizes that you are now a married woman and mom and independent, the better for all involved. Trust me, I went through similar issues with my Mom and I was so stressed and depressed all the time. She even told me my depression would go away if I would leave my husband. My Mom almost cost me my marriage to the most wonderful man. What I did instead was finally leave my mom. Told her she was welcome in my life when she wasn't being negative and selfish and that I was married and no longer had time to spend every waking moment making sure she was happy. She got hurt (poor baby) and didn't talk to me for a few weeks (wonderful peaceful) but decided she had to change her behavior if she wanted to be in our lives (yes, i said our) and get to see her grandson. Good luck !

Renee - posted on 03/18/2010

at the end of the day, your wedding day is all about what you and your man want!! Yes, its awful when your rellies try to make you feel bad, but when they realsie what your situation is, they should just be supportive! Why not just have a party afterwards to celebrate? To cut down on costs everyone just BYO booze and a plate? Im sure you'd have some good friends who'd be happy to organise that for you? Either way, good luck!!

Tiffany - posted on 03/17/2010

It's your special day, you and your husband get to decide on what will make you 2 happiest. If your mom is gonna be selfish like that, you should just tell her that SHE can pay for a real nice wedding and whatnot. Otherwise, she needs to back off.

Susan - posted on 03/17/2010

I think it's fantastic that you are getting married and in the courthouse. You are making a REAL home for your son. You can tell your parents that you are choosing a non-traditional ceremony because you relationship has been non-traditional. Maybe that would work. I would try to have them there, especially if you want them in your lives in the future. Just stand your ground. You are mature enough to be a mom, in school, supporting yourseleves and making the decision to get married. Be a mature adult with this too. Give her a hug, tell her you love her and would love to have her there to support you. She already knows your terms, so leave it be. The final decision is hers. Good luck!

Amanda - posted on 03/17/2010

hi Stephanie i was married in the courthouse and then the priest gave us his blessing at home and in the end it is about you and jour husband.. Just love him and your son and save the money.

Jane - posted on 03/17/2010

At the end of the day it's YOUR wedding. Do it just for yourself and your fiancee. I know it's a hard situation and people may get hurt, but hell, your mum has already been there, done that, and had her own wedding, so you are just going to have to bite the bullet and tell her what YOU want!!

I was never into big weddings, so my husband and I, who are from Australia, took off for a month trip to the states and got married in Vegas on 1st January, 2009. Just the 2 of us. The photographer was our witness. Our parents understood that that was what we wanted, and we had the best time!! When we got back we had a little party for our friends and family ( bbq at our place ), but even now, my parents said that they wouldn't have wanted it any other way!! Course they would have loved to be there, but flying from Australia to Vegas is a bit expensive, and they saw the video and pics and loved it!! Do what YOU want..not your mum!! Best of luck hun x x

Francesca - posted on 03/17/2010

Honey. I hear you. Good for you for doing it your way. If they can't understand, its their loss. If they are really so hurt by it all, let them know if they can pay for a proper wedding, you would do it, but since they can't your doing it this way.

Rona - posted on 03/17/2010

I have been married both ways, the first marriage was in a church with people that I really didn't care if they were there or not. I folded to the pressure ofmy family, the second time my husband and I, his sister and her husband stood for us and we didn't tell anyone until after we did it. My second marriage was 4 years ago, I was 50 at the time. Do it your way.

Tah - posted on 03/17/2010

just go..we didn't have witnesses...come out married...

Katherine - posted on 03/17/2010

I would tell them what you are telling us. "This isn't about you." "I'm having two random witnesses." "We can celebrate later." "Please respect my wishes."




~THE END

Kim - posted on 03/17/2010

first of all - congratulations! i don't think you're being rude exactly. at the end of the day (EVERY day!) after you're married - it's you & your husband. not you and your mom. so what you and he want, and can afford, is most important. if your mom can come to understand and accept this, it would be a great compromise to have her and other parents as witnesses. and if not, then you are right to just get on with it. my husband and i never wanted a big traditional wedding, but didn't know how to break it to the families. so it took 17 years for us to finally take the plunge!! eventually we went with a carribbean wedding (not as expensive as it sounds) and sent invitations to all immediate family and close friends only. we ended up with a very nice number - 12 people in total, all the important people were there, and they had a nice vacation into the bargain. i don't see why this concept couldn't work at the courthouse too. assuming you want them there to begin with. it does seem a bit harsh to leave parents/immediate family off the guest list. and you might not see it now, but it could be something that will fester and cause problems in the future. you should talk to your mom and try to compromise. a little diplomacy in family goes a really long way! good luck.

Jess - posted on 03/17/2010

My suggestion, just get married the way you want to! You are marrying your man, not his family, and the other way around. Maybe you could ask them if they would like to throw a reception for you, that may make them feel more "includded", and it wouldn't have to cost you any money.

Megan - posted on 03/17/2010

my husband is from the east coast, and i am a born california girl. we didnt want to go through the hassle of trying to get family and friends on one coast or the other, so we went down to city hall with just our mothers and tied the knot. then we had a celebration on both coasts - this way everyone we wanted there could be there. some people were upset that they werent invited or that we just did that instead of a big lavish wedding, but we had to let them know that this was OUR day to choose where, when, and how. it was important to us to marry, not to have an expensive ordeal. i still got a dress, and did the traditional 'something borrowed, something blue...' along with flowers and a mini-cake. it was so much less stressful or worrisome, and it ended up being perfect. good luck to you. i hope your mother can understand whats in your heart, instead of whats in her head.

Mandie - posted on 03/17/2010

Stephanie yr mom sounds like mine- takes over every event in yr life that's important to you and then you end up having to put limitations down. Then everyone says "Oh couldn't you just let her be involved in a small way" but they dont understand the- as you say- 'snowball effect' that if you let her in a little she just starts taking over again!! The old 'give her an inch and she takes a mile'. I say DO WHAT YOU AND YR MAN WANT- we had a small wedding b/c it was a 2nd marriage for us both and we both felt we'd done the big shindig the 1st time, spent alot of money and it wasn't worth it. No one liked it except us but who cares? It was OUR wedding! I think yr being very sensilbe if you cant afford it and really, long gone are the days when we are, literally, given away by our parents b/c most times we've been self-sufficient for years. Maybe you could keep the actual ceremony private- how you want it- and have a small party at yr house directly afterwards so that the parents and his grandparents still get to celebrate your day with you?