Meddling grandma (MIL), arrgghh (with more update in the end)

Thea - posted on 06/16/2010

I just want to mention - under no circumstance should you complain about your mil's behavior in front of your daughter - she will pick up on the conflict and drive a wedge between everyone involved - it's not being bad, it's just a child's survival instinct. Sort of establishing who is the ultimate 'leader' or authority in the situation.
It's going to be more difficult with your in-laws right next door... I had in-laws coming and going constantly when my daughter was little - there were separate rules at our house and their house - it never did any good to 'lay down the law' to my dd's grandparents - they indulged her, let her ride on the tractor, etc. and I was the 'inferior' authority, too.
Once my daughter overheard me discussing the situation with her dad. The following day she told her grandma "Mommy says you're a bitch" LOL - seriously, did NOT help that situation...
Wish I could be more help - sometimes you just have to pick your battles, cause you will only alienate the ones you love if you try to fight them all.

Vicki - posted on 06/16/2010

Hello Sandy,
First I would say the most important issue here is your husband's 100% support on your child raising techniques, if the problem is more when visiting her grandma in her house, I would invite her Grandma to yours, so thenyour rules & boundaries can be enforced. Only when Grandma realises the importance of addressing & following your principles would I allow her to visit her Grandma's home. I am a Grandmother myself & I know how difficult at times it can be not to spoil them, but I consider what makes it easier for our children is the best advice. Your child's safety & upbringing must come first & point out to Grandma that this is in her best interest rather than making it a personal onslaught. Also remember that what her Grandmother is doing for her is out of love for her grandchild, not to infuriate you or your husband. Good luck with everything!

Rosalind - posted on 06/16/2010

I can understand you rpoint but as my mom and dad say their job is to spoil the grandkids. I like what Sandra Post said if it doesn't cause harm enjoy making the memories.My mom was a strict disciplanarian my dad was a softie but they believed in having fun. Like the water bottle I made it a rule if she give her one my mom keeps the top with her or just out of reach. At mom's house my now 4 y/o pulls everything out from everywhere things I did not want her in I put locks on them. I never was forceful with mom and mom in law I would tell them this is what we need to do and I know that this is your house but lets do this. My 4 y/o hit my mom and she did nothing but I did my child knows whether we are at home or at nana's I have the last word. she gets to eat junk food and we have food fights there. I do not mind the junk food because its only 1 0r 2 days out the week and its not a lot.Which is usually a kitkat and a bag of chips. I just love the close relationship we all have. And I am noticing my mom is starting to lay down the law a little bit. When I heard her tell my daughter if she pull everything out she has to put it back I almost hit the floor. I could not believe it.I think a lot of times its how we say something and our body language that cause the most problems. For every action there is a reaction.

Katharine - posted on 06/16/2010

The way I feel about it is: When she is with Grandma...let her behave how ever she is allowed...as long as she doesn't carry that bad behavior to other places. Let Grandma deal with it...But when you are with your daughter at Grandma's then YOUR rules take over and Grandma should respect that...With any safety issues make sure you express to both hubby and grandma these concerns...make sure you don't loose your cool and try to get them to be open minded about it. If they won't listen then don't leave her alone with her...after all YOU are the ultimate boss...even over your hubby! And most courts will back that! Good luck!

Christine - posted on 06/16/2010

I read your reply with interest. I raised 4 kids, and I help take care of 3 of my grands(we have 8 now) in the summer. I had cancer, and even now, I have residual effects from the cancer. Tired, can't do a lot of the things I used to do so maybe Grandma just doesn't have the energy to keep up with this little one. I do always try to follow their parents' rules, but I also have my "own" relationship with them apart from being a parent/caregiver. They can come to me anytime for solace and support, but I never "stab" their parents in the back. My own father used to come and see his grandkids and he always had a quarter and some lifesavers in his pockets(little packs). That was his way of saying he loved these kids because it was very hard for him to be affectionate. I would get so mad when he did that because I thought it was teaching them bad habits of expecting something all the time. But now that those kids are all grown up. they remember him and that little moment in time when he did something "special" for them. So don't deny your kids that special moment. They grow up all too soon, and need to be little as long as possible. They may be a handful for Grandma so find other ways to get them together. Is she babysitting? She may not be physically able to do it anymore.
Work with her on this. talk with her as a couple. don't give out "rules" all the time. Make suggestions, and find a way for her just to be grandma to this little one. They both need it more than you realize. Memories of fun times with your grandparents is essential in your life. I truly believe that and I live for those moments with each and everyone of them.

Deborah - posted on 06/16/2010

HI,
I would get healthy snacks for her to take over to grandma's house. Let her pick out a cute lunch box with a cute sippy cup. And let grandma give her something special an Fridays. For us it was a cookie and milk or something sweet. We called it Sweet Friday. My daughter is now 16 and we still do Sweet Friday as a family. She will like taking her lunch box over to grandma's and grandma can give her something special once a week...

Gina - posted on 06/16/2010

Here's an idea for a last resort. If hubby doesn't back u up and if u are able to do it, take your child and go visit your mom for a week. Just don't tell him what u are doing. Just pack up and go, then call him from there. Tell him that u will be back in a week so he has a week to think of what is more important to him, his meddling mother or backing his wife on the rules for his child's safety. I know it's harsh but if u have to use it as a last resort it could work extremely well in your favor. I hope u don't have to use my idea. Good Luck

Shaylee - posted on 06/16/2010

Maybe you need to start letting your daughter "visit" with you around more than alone time until she understands that these are your rules.And if she really doesnt listen then you might have to say no for awhile because this is affecting your parenting and your child.Its more selfish that she is ignoring you and the impact on your little one.
I cant really say for your hubby though,have you told him how it affects you,thats its not just a Grandma thing.ttyl hope all works out.

Nedra - posted on 06/16/2010

Hey Lorrom!

I just wanted to say, it's all semantics... "hitting", "slapping" you know they are pretty much the same to me. I realize that your daughter was the one who hit Grandma and Grandma didn't reprimand her, just like she didn't reprimand her for pulling out pots and pans, yyy. My point was that I was appauled that Grandma did nothing. I think Jeanne and Grandma should go out for drinks so Jeanne can school Grandma a bit.

Tatia - posted on 06/16/2010

I totally understand where you are coming from. I went through that with my mother and grandmother, who both felt that I didn't know what I was doing. I am not advising you to be disrespectful to your husband or mother in law - but you have every right to be firm and assertive in declaring what is right for your child and you can tell them why (for example the water bottle thing). Your daughter needs to understand the rules and be well behaved whether in or out of your presence and she can't learn that when the rules change. That's not fair to the child either when the rules change. also, being respectful to your husband and mother in law, does not mean that you will not offend them. Choose your words carefully and if they get offended, tough, it happens. But they both should realize their places...mother in law is not the law giver and your husband should be working with you not against you.

Elizabeth - posted on 06/16/2010

Don't wait for Grandma to say anything. And don't let your daughter go over their alone. If someone asks why you always go with her tell them your concerned for her safety since no one else is and they don't want to listen to you. Tell your husband she is your daughter too and you have just as much say so with your daughter as he does and if he loves you he would respect your concerns. And tell them both that someone who really cares and loves their children corrects them when its needed and properly supervises them. Some one who doesn't care and is lazy are the ones that let the children do what ever they want. She is a child not an animal. You don't let them run free.

Liz - posted on 06/16/2010

I have to ask...why are you worried about offending either of them? they aren't worried about offending you! even though it is your child....I would talk to her once and explain that if she cannot respect your wishes then she will have to visit at your house from now on!

Lorrom - posted on 06/16/2010

Nedra, again with the 'slapping' confusion: My girl hit grandma in the face on purpose and grandma didn't say anything, not even a "no, we do not hit anybody, this is not nice" etc.



Just to make sure everybody's on the same page here :)



and Thank You everybody.

Nichola - posted on 06/16/2010

please or offend...who's child is this? Take some high ground, but nicely. Explain that unless your rules (and you have to meet her halfway sometimes aswel..!) are met then you wont be visiting as often. Explain that you understand she wants to spoil her, but there is a limit to the spoiling she needs as its making following rules and home life difficult. Ask her for her support when you are trying to enforce rules with your little girl. That way if she feels she is helping you in some way, she might not take it so bad. goodluck!!

Annette - posted on 06/16/2010

You are still the mom when you & your child are there. I agree with the post before... you talk about the rules with the baby and when she doesn't listen you enforce whatever discipline you talked about before you went. If she learns the rules when you are around she will be less likely to break them as severely when you are not around. Don't get me wrong she will break the rules every child does but it might not be as bad.
On top of that I would sit down and do a heart to heart with her about why you want these things maybe even bring up statistics and then compromise. SHe is the grandparent and wants to spoil her grand baby and that is good that she wants to be a part of her life. Remember she is also looking at the fact she may not be around long and that is scary to her and she may just be thinking I want to spoil her while I am here. You will never know until you talk with her. Leave your husband out of it and just talk mom to mom and see what happens.
My mother-in-law loves to spoil my kids. She has raised 6 kids my husband the oldest of them. The youngest also being unmotivated and spoiled. When different issues come up I bring them up and tell her why I don't or do want something to happen and I am very thorough on the why. Sometimes the other generation doesn't understand why something has changed from what they did to what you are doing. Sometimes they don't care then you may have to do "she's not coming over because this is too dangerous".
It might work at this point it doesn't sound like it would make it worse!

Nedra - posted on 06/16/2010

good, we LOVE to laugh, at everything - sometimes, we need "time-outs" for laughing and not getting things done. Anyway, you said, "She even hit her in the face on purpose and she did nto say anything!" So, that's where the "slapping" comment came from.
I'm glad she respects you, that's important because if there were no you, there would be no child (adopted or not). I'm adopted! hey! Focus. Ok, I'm with the people who say speak your peace in a polite but firm way. I just had to do the same thing on Monday with my MIL for a different reason. As long as everybody knows where everybody stands, it's all good in the hood.

smile,
with strength for a sister... ;->
n.

Lorrom - posted on 06/16/2010

None taken!

:):):) You made me laugh, Nedra. Thanks, needed that.

1. I am not whiny in front of her, not at all. I actually started to be very firm but respectful and polite and logic, and she gets quiet and doesn't respond back.
2. Just to clear the air, I never mentioned any slapping. There is no such thing in my household unless it's clapping happily while we sing a song.

I'll stay strong, Sister! :)

Nedra - posted on 06/16/2010

no offense, but please have a backbone here. Stand up for yourself. Put your foot down and lay down the law. YOU are that child's mother so YOU need to advocate for YOU and your child and nobody is going to do it for you. I'm not saying be a b*&^% but I am saying that you know what is right and that you have maternal instincts that need to be followed. There is a way that you can come across firmly and respectfully, just don't cave and be a whiny/crying mess. They will understand and follow your rules or else there won't be any visits. Grandparents are supposed to spoil Grandkids - maybe a gingerbread man or something once every couple weeks or so but not all the dag on time! And, pots and pans and slapping??? Are you kidding me? Set the rules or there will be no visits. Please prevent Brat-dom. Be Strong Sister!

Tiffany - posted on 06/16/2010

Wow, this is a really tough yet delicate situation. I think that you and your husband need to sit and talk about this when you are both calm. I think that what is important to remember is that you and your husband adopted your daughter as a couple, your mother-in-law was not part of the decision-making process so the responsibilities of parenting are yours not hers and that needs to be clear. You also need to be clear in your own mind so that you can be clear to others that you are this child's mother and it really is irrelevant that your daughter was adopted. ALL new mothers have doubts and we ALL learn how to parent as we grow with our children. There is no monopoly on "mothering" just because you gave birth to a child. As well, your mother-in-law has had her opportunity to raise her children and now she needs to give you the opportunity to raise your daughter.
In terms of starting a conversation with your mother-in-law and husband you can tell them that right now is an important developmental stage for your daughter where she is learning the importance of rules and boundaries and it is confusing to her as she tries to make sense of her world if there is significant variation in these rules and boundaries. Bring up the change in your daughter's behavior when she is at Grandma's to help illustrate this point. Children need consistency and it is your job as a parent to do the best you can to create this for her as she grows.
It may be worth if you can bringing in a neutral third party to help you mediate this dispute. I have some concerns that you are feeling that that you are not being heard by both your husband and his mother. It is hard enough raising a child without the stress of not feeling valued by those you love. Access your local public health nurse or even talk to your doctor about resources in your area that can help you with this issue.

Good luck and take heart in the knowledge that you are doing all of this out of a deep and fierce love for your daughter and that is never the wrong thing even if someone feels offended in the short-term.

Tiffany

Ladine - posted on 06/16/2010

HI well IM a "grandma: I understand what you are saying as my mom passed away oif cancer and yes it doesn change thier way of being unfortuantely they are not themself. Do you find that shes not the as she wants to fulfil her time left with your child and say how nice it would be to have that in the best safest way that teaches the lil one how to be as she grows and without the lecturing just a statement like-" I know you must have been a great mom as I married your son and he is a good guy so I hope the same for this child". Take lightly whats happened-(not saying it is trivial) but regarding her condition and give soft reminders of not wanting a repetive pattern of the results before-eg- " its ok she has water but please remember to take the cap off for her and put it up from her as shes not in control of handling that much yet". From what I have learned from looking at it s a mom/grandma and all sides that none of us like to be told what to do really - well unless its done in a constructive way that isnt like sounding a "power trip out" lol well good luck . (I was a adopted too that too is something I admire as you taking a child in your home as your own."god bless you.

Lorrom - posted on 06/16/2010

Jeanne, with all due respect, you need to chill, too. There are knives in those kitchen cabinets, cleaning chemicals, plastic bags, junk food, and I have a problem with all that. Apparently you don't. Mud pies and bugs, I agree with :)

I did not appreciate your tone, I felt it as harsh (and if I am wrong, I am sorry) and interpreting my feelings as "silly nonsense." I do not see as nonsense the safety and well being of my child. In our case, grandma's wisdom went out the window a long time ago.

And I do eat chocolate :) sometimes even with my daughter.

Jeanne - posted on 06/16/2010

You need to chill. You are the one making mole hill into a mountain. Let your hair down a little. Grandmas break rules that is her house. Grandma's house Grandma's rules. Candy does not buy love. Builds memoies and a strong bond that only a grandma and child know. Think about your grandma when you were are child. What kind of statement is this "Grandma lets her open kitchen cabinets, closets, taking out whatever she finds there (safety issue, hello!) " What safety issue? The child is learning things. I ate mud pies and bugs and who knows what else. I am 60 years old. I played alone in dangeous places on Walnut Creek in Austin, TX jump over rattle snakes. Your child is in the hands of loving grandmother . Grandmothers have wisdom you do not. Again I say chill. Have you ever heard of that long word meaning "talk". not fight. You need to talk to your mother more now than ever. That thing that they called "chemo brain" may be at work and your mother may need a babysitter soon herself. My husband had cancer and one morning this year I woke up and he was dead. Just like that. I think the mothers of today need to listen more to the mothers of yesturday. We did not have the problems today that you are having CHILL! It is not the fault of a mother when a child is a loser. We teach and love our children the best we can. Chocolate is good for you next time you can't chill... eat some. The reason for life is too be happy. You are a smart woman know you are the one being hurt by your silly nonesense. Dugging in cabnets is like a treasure hurt and her brain is growing with every treasue she finds. Worry when grandma lets her play with knives and guns..

Jane - posted on 06/16/2010

The funny thing about your rule, "Never live next door to Grandma", is that I've felt there needs to be at least 2 blocks between. :)

Melissa - posted on 06/16/2010

I have the same problems with my own mother. She always lets my daughter do whatever she wants and caters to her every second! I complain all the time about things and my mom says, "I raised you and you turned out great!" Well, she was a different person as my mom! A complete push-over with my kid and not strict at all! I can totally relate. I tell my mom our rules and bounderies, but instead of enforcing them, she'll say, "Your mom and dad say not to do this or that". I want it to come from her. She makes me and my husband look like jerks to her. My daughter comes home from her house all sullen and sad like...it's back to the torture chamber now!
I know this isn't much advice, but maybe you can find comfort in the fact A LOT of parents have this problem with grandparents. I am not a control freak either! You should see my house! LOL! But since we have only the one kid, I focus a lot of my anxiety and care just on her and it can be overbearing.
Good luck. It might be best to just ride the wave, that's what parenting is about. You have a lot more problems just like this to deal with in the future! Teachers who give you problems, daycare/daycamp issues, friends/other kids who are mean. It's a never-ending battle with our kids. You have to just take the issues and try not to stress too much over them! Easier said than done, I agree.
Congrats on the adoption and let us all know if you make any progress with grams! :)

Lorrom - posted on 06/16/2010

Well, I put my foot down, sort of speak.

No, she never picks up my daughter without us knowing it (and besides that, now the daycare teachers are informed not to release the child to her if one of the parents are not present). I will just explode if she'd ever do that!

In the car I told grandma more like a joke "please tell me when there are plans involving my child, because my guy always forgets, you know how guys are", I tried to made it funny but the main thing is that I made my point.

So we got my baby from daycare yesterday and then went to grandma's place to visit with the family. I really watched my child more than I usually do, and told her "no, you don't open cabinet doors in somebody else's house", "no, you don't grab this from the table without asking mommy if you can have it", etc. I thought that by showing my child what the rules are (again), we can train grandma next. It worked. Grandma behaved as I dreamed of. My girl was super good and I was really proud of her, was listening perfectly, with no fuss and no tantrums. She is an awesome child, you know...:)

Grandma wants again to go go pick up my daughter from daycare today (last day with family before they leave), so last night we were trying to coordinate schedules. I work till 3 pm so I am available after that to go with them and get my girl. And grandma made a sour face asking me "But why?" (as in "why do you need to come?"). And I told her "why do you even ask this question? I am her mother and wherever my daugher goes, I go." The nerve...

I made some good points last night. And I will continue to do so. Maybe by doing so, I can avoid open conflict and reach my goal faster and better. I am thinking that if I train grandma real good, I won't need to put hubby in his place and everything will be okay.

Many thanks to each one of you that took time to answer. I really appreciate it!
~L.

MaryAnn - posted on 06/16/2010

In our family, I think, we as the grandparents, and we have 15 grandchildren, are probably. On the stricter side, when the gc go out wit us we stop at the store and try a new kind of fruit, or a new vegi, or I make healthy cookies. My children had grand parents who spoiled the, but they turned out okay. I remember one time at Christmas, my oldest was either 6 months or 18 months (I really think he was the younger)) old, he had never had candy . He was in the other room with his great grandmother and other people, all of a sudden he started crying, so I went into the room with them, he was crying because they had just stopped feeding him fudge. Was kinda funny. Hey, I would cry too, Nany, my grandmother in law made great fudge.

Tara Lee - posted on 06/16/2010

Oh, I forgot to mention, my MIL, was also VERY sick before she passed, and she still followed are rules. She spent as much time as possible with my daughter as she could, and even though she couldn't do very much with her, they had fun and to this day(almost a year later), my daughter remembers her Memere. She will see pictures and point and say Memere without us having to tell her who she is. So you see, your daughter doesn't need to be "spoild rotten" to remember her GM. She just needs the love.

Linda - posted on 06/16/2010

What you really need to do first is get your husband and yourself on the same page. Safety is paramount. Find some articles or books about safety issues--bottle tops, medications in bathrooms, poisoning, etc. Find a quiet peaceful moment to discuss them with your husband with no daugher or MIL around. Talk to him about baby-proofing your MIL's house--maybe he can even help put on kid-proof latches on cabinets. Once he agrees with you on issues, let him take care of your MIL. Yes--we all lived without child safety seats and outlet covers...but many others didn't. I'm sure he loves his daughter too and wouldn't want her to get hurt. Once you've tackled the safety issues, then you can work on nutrition. Wait a while before you go there. Again, have a talk with your husband first. Discuss nutrition with him and how often he thinks your daughter should have soda/candy. Get some hard facts on how many calories children consume and how the junk food can take the place of the nutritious food. Maybe find some treats his mother can give her which will be good for her--my kids like "gogurt" which is really just yogurt. Or maybe popcorn, or some healthier granola bars. I never buy soda, but my kids had it at their grandmas whenever they went there--of course, that was only once every few months so not a big deal. Maybe a compromise--she can have soda over there once a week. Whatever you do, get hubby on your side first, or the bigger problem will be conflict in your marriage--which is ultimately detrimental to your child.

Tara Lee - posted on 06/16/2010

unfortunately, my daughter never got to meet my mother, and my MIL passed away just after her 1st birthday, so I don't have these issues. My husband is from a large family and she is the youngest grandchild(nice) in the family(even younger than the great-grandchildren)so they all spoil her. However, I am really lucky in the sence that my hubby backs me ALL the time(while we are out), even when he disagrees with me(we'll discuss it later at home if we are out). A guess what I'm trying to say, is that you need to make HUBBY understand your feelings and reasons first, make him understand the dangers, once that happens, you probably wont even have to speak to GM, he will.
Also, I really like the point Marabeth made, as she(GM) lives next door and see your child everyday, she can't spoil her as a GM who lives further away, and would only see her sometimes.
Point this out to your hubby. Also, make him understand that your worry comes from safty issues not because you are 'controling', as he buts it.

Josephine - posted on 06/16/2010

I have had the same issues with MY OWN mother...my daughter is 14 mnths old, and i am working full time, so she stays with grandma and grandpa for 10 hours a day...i call them 4 to 5 times a day to check in, and make sure the rules are being followed...but guess what? they can easily lie about whats happening...my parents are old school italians that in my opinion, got lucky when raising their 2 daughters!!! as time goes on, i see that things arent happening as i wish, so im realizing that its MY choice as the mother to do what feels best for me...the bottom line is, YOUR rules and YOUR comfort level are above and beyond everyone and everything else...it has no relevance if you carried her in your womb, or adopted her, YOU are her mother, her primary caretaker, and if your rules arent being followed, then you should let your husband and MIL know that she wont be visiting her anymore...you never have to apologize to anyone for how you want to raise YOUR daughter!! UGH!!! sorry, im just so mad because i really feel your pain...be strong!! you are 100% correct here!!!

Rach - posted on 06/16/2010

i completly understand where ur coming from i have 2 small children and a very meddling mother. she will not listen to nething i say. i just told her straight out u cant be doing this everytime they come here u bribe them and u take them shopping and u give them lollies and crap food. how am i going to go2 the shops without a fight on my hands. i said no more doing that or they wont be coming here. i no that seems harsh and like its a threat but sometimes these older mums/grandmas dont no that they r doing it. it sounds like grandma is trying to kjeep on the good side of ur daughter cos she doesnt have much time but still she needs to no the rules. and first grandmas are always a bit medalling. hope that helps abit.

Sue - posted on 06/16/2010

tell your daughter no in front of hubby/grandma, insist your rules are followed, can hubby not see the difference in behaviour as soon as she is with grandma?

Cyndy - posted on 06/15/2010

I think the best thing is to be honest with grandma and tell her of your fears and concerns. If that doesn't help, although it may cause hard feelings for a few to several days, is just tell her she will have to come to your house to see her granddaughter until the grandma/grandchild behavior is under control. 3-year-old's do learn quickly and she will learn that she can't go to grandma's house until she behaves. I know it's a trying and frustrating situation and procedure but it has paid off in my somewhat similar circumstance.
Grandma of 5

Tisha - posted on 06/15/2010

My motto is: States Away!!!!

Diane - posted on 06/15/2010

my MLI does that two somtime and I tell her what my son can and can not do and what he can and can not eat..if she does somthing that i know she know I don't allow I tell her do not let him do that again...i dont care to much about if she gets mad at me or not , i am not living to make her happy...(we argue a lot). She like to give my son fast food everytime she seens him wich was like everyday untill we told her dont do that and when she went behind are backs and did it all hell broke lose ..i was pissed and so was my husband and out broke a fight lol. I hate living to close to grandparent cuz all they want to do is spoil them =[

Tisha - posted on 06/15/2010

It took my Hubby 10 years to stand up for me. I got all of the same responses: I was overreacting, I was being a control freak, it's just a little junk food, etc. Our situation is a little different though. Rather than Grandma having cancer, she is a recovering IV drug addict. She had been clean for many years before we started having children but I always felt that she wasn't quite all there and a little bit on the flaky side. I kept telling my husband this and of course he just couldnt see it. Finally he found out that she had relapsed. He finally has my back. His whole family has turned on us but we are sticking together. I'm afraid in your situation it is going to end up being a tragic event that wakes your hubby up. Stick to your guns!!!!

Peggy - posted on 06/15/2010

I am so sorry to see all the anger and hurt feelings from the young mothers. Could that be from insecurity? My daughter and my son were most at ease when I was there to help with their children. But my daughter-in-law who has adopted children wass most anxious and fearful about letting me or anyone else care for the children
My grandmothers took care of me at times and corrected me when I needed to be corrected and also spoiled me a little. My childrens' grandparents spoiled them and corrected them. Also their aunts and uncles. That is just the way big families were.And thank goodnes for neighbors who helped to care for my children. Between my neighbors and I our children didn't "get by" with misbehaiver and were save from harm, many times.
Here's an idea to help with relations between parents and grandparents:ask the grandparents for advice ," how they would handle a situation, etc." before they over step their boundries. "Grandparents need to be needed."
A note to Lorrem, I started having Tea parties and picnics with my grandchildren when they were abou a year old we still have them and have a great time. I wish for you happy days!

Kathy - posted on 06/15/2010

OMG they did that and didn't tell you?? If my hubby pulled that on me fur would be flying!! Like MaryLou said, what if you hadn't found out, got to daycare to pick her up and she wasn't there, me.. I'd have a heart attack I'm sure!! He really NEEDS to get on the same page with you on this and use his back bone when dealing with his mom. It would have been different if they talked to you first and got your OK on it, but never go behind mom's back... Mom's always know best, not grandma's, MOM'S1!

Karla - posted on 06/15/2010

I am a grandma and I feel for you. I raised my children and didn't have to put up with much interference. My In laws liked to give the kids junk (chips, candy, etc.). I didn't like it but it didn't happen everyday. I would tell them about it and let it go. My husband loved to sneak goodies to the kids too. You are right about it teaching your child unhealthy eating habits. My daughter (27yrs) still loves to indulge in sweets and she is overweight.
Grandmothers have raised their children and made their own mistakes. I use this as a guideline when it comes to my grandchildren. If I see their parents making mistakes, I button my lip. Being a mother is a series of trial and error. You learn from each trial/error. A grandparent can't sit and dictate every move you make. If your child see them disrespecting your wishes, she will follow suit. Grandma should be using the precious time she has left bonding with your child not spoiling her. The love is what she will remember. Your husband should be supporting you in your decisions as a parent.

MaryLou - posted on 06/15/2010

Personally I don't like the fact that daddy and grandma are going behind your back, especially taking her out of daycare. If she is being taken out of daycare, first you should have been consulted. You as her mom should know where your child is. What if they hadn't told you? You show up at the daycare, and no child? You are going to have to talk to grandma and daddy. You are going to have to stand your ground. Yes, this is going to get ugly. I do feel bad for you, but she is your daughter. As for your marriage. This is going to cause trouble, if he would care about your feelings, and concerns. Also repect your wishes then this wouldn't have got this far. You are his wife, and he should support you.

Marabeth - posted on 06/15/2010

my mother and father also live next door (but not in-laws) and they were doing the same thing with the sweets. i am a firm believer that yes it's the grandparents jobs to spoil grandchildren but when they live next door they see them much more frequently. at that point they are a primary caregiver! and it is NOT one of the child's primary caregivers job to give candy/cookies everyday! grandparents can spoil the kids when they only see them every once in awhile. this made sense to my parents when i put it to them like that.

Lorrom - posted on 06/15/2010

UPDATE:
I am a little miffed. Hubby and grandma made plans for her to get my daughter earlier from daycare - because grandma has some family over (don't know them too well) and they have a child that is bored (not my fault) that wants to play with my girl.They want to go to her house and have dinner there. So far so good, but I am the last one to find about it! Actually I just found out now, maybe 2-3 hours before it is going to happen. Told hubby thay I should be there, at grandma's house, because I need to be wherever my daughter is (in case junk food for dinner, bottle caps in her mouth, and locking in the bathroom happen again). He told me again that I should stop being so controlling and "it's just grandma"...well...

Good thing I told the daycare's teachers that when grandma has people over and God forbid forgets to ask me for permission and comes to daycare to pick up my daugher so she can drag her somewhere, without me or daddy present, to give me a call ASAP. Maybe I should let her have a taste of that today.

What else should I do to make those people listen to me? It's unreal. Hubby and I are very happy together, minus this thing...It's going to get ugly, but I need to let them know that I am HER MOM and they need to start to respect that.

(sigh)

Christine - posted on 06/13/2010

Hi I am a grandmom 12 times and a great soon to be twice. I agree with Sandy if the child is being given mixed signals you need to remove the child and explain it as clamly as you can .If you little one isn't listening at firist wait until they can and tell them again why they had to leave and if they do not obey the rule that you will have to leave until they can. Don't be surprized if your tested on it all children will go as far as they can .Just remmber you are right children need rules the same people that spoil them point out thier bad behavior when they get older . Everyone apprecates a well behaved child but many don't want to put the work in to get them hang in there.

Melinda - posted on 06/13/2010

Let Mom know how much you love her and remind her of your husbands childhood. Bring back the memories then remind her of the problems she might have had with well meaning in-laws. God bless.

MaryLou - posted on 06/13/2010

I have been there, done that. My daughter's grandparents did that too, along with the aunts, and uncles. They even said the same thing to me. At first I was nice, asked them not to do that. I spoke the father, who like your hubby sided with his mom, dad and family. Then I started to get upset. I then talked to all of them, expressing my concerns, telling them how I felt. They in turn ignored them. I in turned, picked my daughter, left the home, but told them since they refused to respect my concerns, feelings or rules that they would have to visit her at my home, where I did reinforce the rules. They did come to see her, and after the first week tried to get me to change my mind but I held out. They eventually caved in. One of the reason is when the other children went to the doctor's the doctor told the parents that their children were way over weight. One of them was 11 and weighed more than I did. At the time I was 113 pounds. Two of the older ones weren't far behind. To this day I am glad I held my ground. My daughter was always healthy, and not overweight. My neice to this day is still overweight-unhealthy. Your job as a mother is to do what is best for the child, not best for the grandma. If it ticks off her and your hubby-too bad. Your hubby should be ashamed of himself for not putting his daughter's health and welfare ahead of his mom's hurt feelings.

Megan - posted on 06/13/2010

Wow i went through the same thing with my hubby and his mom...well i'm still going through it with his mom....i had to put my foot down with the man even though i'm not that kind of person. i told him it was me and the family we had started or his mother....and he made his mind up and sided with us. I don't think his mom will ever stop though. see we own 2 houses and 200 acars 4 horses and 4 dogs we let her stay at the ranch house and when we go down to work with the horses she send out my 5 3 and 2 year old to help sorry NO. and she showed my kids how to open bottles in thier mouths OMG it kills me so now i'm to the point i don't let them out of the car and when she asks why we don't stay i let her know because you don't respect our rules for them and are always putting them in dangers way. So i understand were your coming from on this to me its like she knows better to because she has years on me but years don't always mean your a smarter better mom then me. Sad to say you will have to put them both in thier place girl and don't feel bad because she is sick....your baby comes first adopted or not she is your little girl and nobody hurts or puts her in danger....and if they try you fight for her ♥

Caran - posted on 06/13/2010

It might be easier to divide and conquer. Rather than talking to both hubby and MIL at the same time, discuss your feelings and thoughts with hubby first. Make sure that the issues you have are true causes for concern, rather than just a difference between your way and her way. For example, explain that it's not that you don't think your daughter should have any treats, but that your concern lies in how much sugar/junk food she is getting. Visit your local pediatrician or WIC department to get some resources on obesity in children and tooth decay. Back up your concerns with the expert advice of professionals. You need to get your hubby supporting you before you address things with MIL. He needs to understand that you do have logical reasons for feeling the way you do and that this isn't just some imaginary battle between you and MIL.

Since your relationship with MIL was good before your daughter came along, it doesn't sound like a case of intentionally disregarding your rules or trying to buy your daughter's love. This is typical grandma behavior. MIL understands that your daughter has rules at your house and day care. But she is most likely of the old school thought that grandmas are supposed to be round and warm and baking cookies and spoiling the grandchild. Express your appreciation for what she does do for you and the family. Allow it to be "your fault" that the rules you have for your daughter are important and hope she will support you in keeping. Something like "I know I sound over-protective, but this is really important to me" allows her to agree to follow your rules because she loves you even if she thinks you are too strict.

Lorrom - posted on 06/13/2010

Thank you, again, everybody, to each and one of you!

I am so glad I found this wonderful place!

I will definitely try to change some things. My mom's comment about grandma was "she is buying your child's love with dirty tricks because she wants this child's unconditional love." My baby girl is absolutely great and I hate how changed she is (for the worse) when she is around grandma. Well, not all the times, but most of them.

Funny thing, the foster mom that had my baby for her first months in her life, and she is now our dear Oma (we adopted her too, in a way :), is more careful with my child than grandma is. Sometimes I just sit here scratching my head in disbelief...

I don't want to start resenting grandma, because up until now we had a perfect relationship and she has been only great with me, with us, and it breaks my heart to see her sick... This is why the entire situation is so delicate. In other circumstances, it would have been different and we have already had 'the talk'. I don't want to upset anybody (hubby or her) and I don't want you to think I'm a cold-hearted you-know-what...but so far I'm the only one that gets upset because nobody else seems to pay attention to my baby's best interest and safety as I do. (sigh) Is this really making me a control freak?

Lydia - posted on 06/13/2010

I think it's very important to ensure your husband that this is not an issue of not liking his mother or disrespecting her. I had similar problems with my mother in law and when I talked to my husband about it he felt that I all the time only speak negative about his mom and maybe I don't like her. We had quiet a intense and very loud debate on this until he understood that I do respect his mother and like her and I am also very thankful for her help with our daughter, but she needs to follow our rules and do some major things the way we decide in raising our daughter. It really helped to be in agreement with my husband and than we had a talk with Grandma also assuring her that I want her to spend good time with her Granddaughter but there were few things that had to change... before my husband felt I don't want his mom involved at all and she also felt that I don't want her to have quality time with Granddaughter, just because communication wasn't right.
Also it helped a lot to explain clearly why we do certain things the way we do it. I think your mother in-law would agree to apply some minor changes that make things safe. Maybe you could together rearrange some things in the kitchen, so that the unsafe items are separate in a place your daughter can't get into... she could still have fun playing in the kitchen but it would be safe.

Catherine - posted on 06/13/2010

First I must say a mom is a mom!! (First time adoptive moms know the same as first time biological moms. Blood lines have nothing to do with knowledge.) Congrats on being a mom. I also live next door to my in-laws, literally next door with a connecting back gate, so I get it. When it comes to safety and health you can not back down- bottle cap in mouth, or sharp objects in cabinets, etc..., however because she has cancer, and perphaps she is afraid of your daughter not knowing or remembering her she is trying to build a connection of fun so your daughter will remember her. And fortunately, your daughter knows where to misbehave- meaning it is not occurring at school or your home. I would let some things go- like let her pull out things from cabinets, or what not. I am would only worry about her becoming spoiled if everyone let her do whatever everywhere. Just to be on the safe side don't send her over by herself- you should always go. You may have to limit how much time whe goes over,and if G'ma wants to know why then tell her. Otherwise, I am sure G'ma is doing it from a place of love. your husband my be afraid of losing his mom? Or has he always taken her side?? Remind him who he is married to and why :) Good luck.