messy custody battle!!! I need help!!!!

Laticia - posted on 11/03/2009 ( 135 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 11 months old. her father and i have been split up since i was 9 months pregnant, when he kicked me out of the house, spitting in my face and calling me a whore. our relationship was 4 very long and rough years. we have had some physical altercations in the past including him slamming against the wall and choking me. i have called the police several times as well as domestic violence. but what has always hurt me the most was the emotional abuse. he has always called me names and he has put me down for as long as i have known him. he also has 3 other children that he has full custody of due to the fact that his ex was arrested for drugs several years back. he is emotionally and verbally abusive to his 2 daughters and he is all that plus physically abusive to his son. since her birth in noveber, he has had "visitation" once a week for about an hour starting in march and ending in august. during those times i have called the police twice and domestic violence 3 times, but i keep getting told the same thing and that is that it is really hard to prove verbal and emotional abuse. now he is taking me to court for full custody of my daughter. i am scared to death!!!! how can i keep this from happening??? i am asking for sole custody and for him to have supervised visitation but everyone tells me that i should just accept the fact that he will get normal visitation and there is nothing i can do about it and that i will just have to not let it bother me. but this is my precious daughter and her safety is at risk, i need some guidance, support, advice, loopholes, whatever!!!!!

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Sherry - posted on 11/15/2009

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Hi Laticia:



Well lets start I am a mother of 30 years..My husband was very abusive even when he put me in hospital for 4 months..and he took me to court when I was in hospital..and I could not be there to fight for them at that time I had no support I did this by myself... I had not spoke to my family because of him for about 6 years...so support was out of the question... I was embarassed because I married a fool.. my question is when you had your daughter did you give your daughter your exs last name???? If you did not you have more leverage then you think... I have two children by one father and that was my husband and my youngest he was by another man..I fought twice in court to get my childrens custody...So I have been in your position more than once... With my two oldest children while I was in the hospital I lost custody due to I was not in court to fight him...When I did get out of hospital and I did go to court to win back custody and I did not..Because the lawyer was a legal aid lawyer..And she never did anything she said to me she was going to do...I had to fire her and then I moved back to Edmonton, Alberta... I got a job as to I never worked because he kept me secluded from the world...FOR SIX LONG YEARS... I was not even allowed to take my children out side to play or when he got home and found out I was out side I got the beating of my life.. The trick to the whole thing my lawyer told me to never expect a logical reasoning from out judicial system... So with all of that I had not seen or spoke to my children for three years even with the hospital pictures...I took alot of fighting...With my new lawyer started by enforcing my visiting rights because he would never let me see my children...That had alot to do with his new girlfriend she was a social worker...And she abused her position,,,I dug up every little piece of any thing to discredit them...for example he could not go to work because I went to court and I told them the man had never been home with my children since the day they were born...I did...And with the social security number our goverment was able to track that he was always at work and worked for 14 -16 hours a day... he went as far to lock me in our house so I couldn't get out...I had to save myself first before I could save my children that is sad to say but that is the way it had to be...My husband abused me not my children as his social worker girlfriend had stood up and said that she had investigated the situation and she found to be no abuse to the children but one thing she did was neglect to tell the court was she was living with her client...He started collecting social assistance and she was his worker which it is against all proticals of her job so I contacted her employer...That helped to get her fired...as well I looked into his child tax benifit and found out they were both collecting and here they can not do that because of the income they both recieved over a certain amount of income you do not receive any child tax... I spoke to my lawyer and let him know about this...He took that and he ran with that we had them charged with a heavy fine and they had to pay them back...



Sorry I got off track here this kind of stuff just gets my blood boiling,,,Like I said it took awhile to get this done but I feel better I did... And I never gave up...Verbal and emotional, and mental abuse is hard to prove but not if you take matters in your own hands and go and see a physiciatrist...They can prove that you are suffering some post tramatic syndrome due to your ex...You must do this swiftly and quickly...



If you did not put his last name on your daughters birthcertificate then all you have to do is go into court and tell the judge you have custody of your daughter because she has your name...and the proof then is up to him that he is the father...If you do not have sole custody and she still has your name you can go to family court and apply for sole custody and the judge has no problem giving you that because she has your name...When I had my last child that is what I did I put him in my name and yes his father had to fight after that... he want his visiting rights and the judge asked me what I wanted the court order to read so I told him he could visit he was not allowed to take my son anywhere in his vehicle it had to stay parked in my parking lot while he visited him...After about two months of that he left and never bothered us again and to this day my son is 20Yrs old...It is a long hard battle but persistance always wins out...Keep your chin up and do everything to discredit him in any way you possably can anything... sit outside of his house in another vehicle and take get a good camera and start taking pictures your self of him yelling and verbaly abusing his children and if he is abusing his son all you have to do is tell the judge that and he will demand an in home inspection and that means they speak to the child and they assure him that he will never hurt him again...and usually they will talk and they do remove the children that day...I am sorry like I have said before it is a long hard battle....In the end it is all worth it...The biggest thing is follow him around a little and don;t get caught but discredit him any way you can....

Michelle - posted on 11/04/2009

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I had to deal with this myself and the recorded messages were my most convincing evidence. When my lawyer played them while he was on the stand he was in shock and could not disbute them. I did have to use a women's abuse center to get away from him. Without them we would have never made out unharmed. They also councel before and after you leave the abuser. I am still having to deal with him because the judge gave him unsupervised visitation. Something I still do not understand! He kidnapped my little girl for four months and only gave her back when the judge ordered him too. But because our divorce was not final yet he got away with it. Our divorce is final now and I moved three hours away from him. He refuses to pay child support, but I am back in school now and the kids and I are safe. Poor, but happy and safe. It will get bettter, just hang in there. You are strong!

Ashley - posted on 03/31/2011

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I have been in your shoes. My ex was very violent during our relationship. I finally made him leave, and then he filed for full custody with reocation of our daughter to New Mexico. My daughter and I live in Virginia. We split up when I was about eight months pregnant and I raised her alone. I have never done drugs, I don't drink, etc. When we went for our first hearing, he was granted temporary FULL CUSTODY of our daughter. I am now fighting to get her back and have spent thousands of dollars in that process. The only advice I can give you is to DOCUMENT DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. If it's not on paper, it didn't happen. My second advice? Hire a very good attorney. Women don't understand that father's, especially abusive ones, are winning full custody of their children everyday. It is no longer a "mother's system". Good luck hon, and fight to the death for that child.

Susan - posted on 11/13/2009

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I just went through this myself. A judge will never give him full custody, if you are apart and want to be apart of your childs life. My husband is a lawyer. He helped me get custody of my son from a past relationship. I made sure I kept a fully detailed journal. I also made sure I had a tape recorder hooked up to my phone everytime he called me and told him the conversation was being recorded. It made things alot easier when talking to him. When we would talk on the phone, he would get competly off subject. He would turn it into a argument about how much he hated me and so forth..... The recorder being on helps when he gets off subject and you tell him "if we are not talking about our child, I am hanging up" this keeps the conversation civil and if he keeps going you have proof he is verbally abusive. As for your child being in danger when she goes over with him, take pictures of her before she goes over and when she comes home. If she comes home with bruises other then the normal baby accidents, take pictures and take her to the police station file a report and they will escort you to the hospital and have someone there to examine and take court worthy pictures. Then after the hospital, the next open day of the court house go file for temp restraining order. Then follow up with a full restraining order. Now, that was all just in case you ever find marks on her. Also, if he is not leaving marks on her, he is probably not physically hurting her. If he is mentally he is abusing her, you have to get him on tape doing so. Call him while she is over there and find something to talk about (make sure you tell him it is being recorded everytime you talk to him even if you are calling him, otherwise its will get thrown out) don't argue with him at all. Remember you are just trying to get him on tape yelling at your baby. The sound of your voice will probably get him annoyed enough that no matter what she does he will take it out on any child thats there. Even if it's not your child, the judge will see him for the jerk of a father that he is.

If you have any questions about the proceedure please email me at sshaffer030508070323@yahoo.com I know it's a long one, sorry about that. But I have been alot of help to friends and family members that has had to go through this and they all won full custody, including me. I hope this helps. I wish I could of made this shorter, but it's alot to do. Best of wishes to you. If you email me please put custody battle on the thing so I don't think it's spam.

Donna - posted on 11/15/2009

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Myself coming from a situation similar to yours...the most important thing is to focus on you and your baby..having been physically and emotionally abused myself..I find that counseling for these issue will make you the best parent for her...and one way of proving that to the judge is by working on your issues and being the one to take the steps in showing him that your life is not the same it was when he was abusing you..your counselor will be able to vouch for you working on protecting you and her in the future years...Iknow that in my state DV classes, groups, one on one is FREE...Its sad how much anger he has but until he reaches a point in his life to change that..you cant do nothing about it..but change you so that you dont have men like that in your life again...I promise you if you do the work on you God will change you and move you above all of this that is going on in your life right now..yes document everything...A good lawyer will ask for supervised visits he works for you ...and road is not going to be easy but part of being a parent is doing whats best for your daughter every moment of every day...I hope this helps without being to harsh I've been their I know its hard but you can get through anything....

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Jess - posted on 11/15/2009

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All these mom have really good advise for you! I hate that your going through this. Keep us updated on the progress. I would suggest. The nanny cam as well but also you can go to those stores that sell Private Eye stuff and get a small recorder like a pen and keep that in the back pack. It needs to be able to pick up on whats going on in the house in a pretty big distance. Now you also need to save all text message and emails. any voicemails they have machice that you can transfer it on too. You need to request that the kids be interviewed by cps or leave a tip if they are being absused. Whatever you do mind you Ps and Qs until this blows over. don't give him any reason to say your unfit. He will make up lies remember they are lies. good luck let us know how its going.

Tracey - posted on 11/15/2009

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Speaking from experience The records with the police will speak for them self. KEEP RECORDS and up to date records. You will see a mediator. You do not have to be in the same room with your x if you tell them you are afraid for him! But BEWARE when you are in with the Mediator you can NOT bash him only state the FACTS! Tell them accounts and dates things happened you will guide then to what will hurt him. Remember for him it was easy last time to get his kids this time it will be harder. Yes he may get visitation BUT you can stipulate in the orders that he can not Abuse physicaly, emointally or verbaly abuse your child or you. Including Harassment. Just be as sweet as possiable make sure all your ducks are in a row and dont ever let your x know what you are going to do next (Just do it) cause then he can get ready and we dont want that! Honey I will help you as much as I can just add me! Kisses to you. You will need them!

Tamara - posted on 11/15/2009

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Laticia,

The one think that you should keep in mind is that 'hurt people, hurt people'. You must do all you can to make sure that you have full custody with or your child, if that should fail you must make sure that you and your daughter communicate about her visits with her father. Be as intrusive as you can. If he is abusive with his other children he will be abusive to yours. Invest in a lawyer express all your concerns. I find it hard to believe that with the calls to the police that have to be on file, the courts will not take your concerns seriously. But most importantly pray and ask God or Whatever your higher source is for guidance, mercy, strength and help. K

Glenda - posted on 11/14/2009

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Get a family court lawyer - through legal aid if necessary. Noone should have to put up with this.

Wendy - posted on 11/14/2009

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I think it depends on where you live. Doucment everything! Keep records of the police reports (so you can prove the histroy). You don't have to accept anything. Call the local womens abuse hotline in your area they will also be able to direct you on the best course of action and help.

Lashell - posted on 11/13/2009

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Get on ya knees &Pray hard,I will pray 4 u too,it really do works........!

Lashell - posted on 11/13/2009

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Girl get on ya knees and pray hard,it really work!!!*& I'll pray hard for u....

Kim - posted on 11/13/2009

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Oh boy, alot of this sounds alll too familiar. I am myself going through a very nasty custody battle/divorce. We were married for 13 years, our 2 children together are 12 and 6 years old and I have a 14 year old from a previous relationship who's he's been in her life since she was 1 year old. And he too has as long as I can remember been verbally/emotionally and at times physically abusive. I've called the police numerous times as well, but ultimately was too afraid to follow through with any charges. He has talked badly to my children about me, calling me a whore among other choice words. Putting the children in the middle of his violent verbal rages whenever he is upset with me. We have been doing the week on week off arrangement for a year, I didn't have the means to get a lawyer and he wouldn't have it any other way....so now I am fighting him for full custody, as there hasnever been a parenting plan at all in order. With the help of my family I was able to get a lawyer and now the battle begins. Anyways it's a long story by all means, it's stressful beyond words, keep documents, don't lose your temper, love you child and make sure they have tons of hugs, and PRAY! I heart aches for you as I know all too well what you are going through. I don't know you but if you ever need to talk please message me.

Joyce - posted on 11/13/2009

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I would start with a good lawyer and document everything that happens, get his other kids to get help right away also, If he is very abusive to them, he nneeds to be stopped. You do have the power. Find someone that will help you.

Kristie - posted on 11/12/2009

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I've never been through this myself, though my aunt just went through a nasty custody battle. Long story short, she saved and documented EVERYTHING! Keep a daily "journal" include dates, times, conversations, etc. She went as far as forwarding her text conversations to the computer and printing them out. Her child is older and tells stories (which she documented-hard to do in your situation), he would come home filthy, unbathed (she took pictures), etc. (which she documented also). Just don't give up, NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO OR TELL YOU or how many times you have to appear in court. Collect every bit of evidence you can, even witnesses (if need be). Good luck and just DOCUMENT!!

Jefferica - posted on 11/12/2009

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Ask the court for family evalutaion, which will counsel both of you, in regard to what is best for the child, and just maybe this angry the two of you have can be resolve for the child best interest. If he get custody this will help you remain also in her life. (maybe)

Michelle - posted on 11/12/2009

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Do you have a good lawyer? If not get one. get legal aid to help pay for it as well. It does not show where you are from I am going to assume canada.

I was married for 18 years with my ex since i was 16 i am now 39 last year he beat me and my girlfriend got charged with assult and due to a very good lawyer got off.

I left my home of 16 years. my kids are 18,16 and 14 alot of abuse over the years.

what i found out when I went to court. If you have police records , and the like it is not likely he will ever ever get full custody.Unless you do drugs ... that is the only way usulally one parent can get custody over another. I am a recovering addict been clean for 4 years.. Even with that the judge gave us joint custody, due to his violent nature

i also have had a restraining order put on him since i left.All I can say is that a good lawyer is worth every penny. get one.have you been to court yet? Hold your head high you left that life and that person. You are the one in the right. It take alot of courge to leave and do what is best for your child. There are lots of rights that you have. the most important one is to be safe and to have a safe place for your daughter.

Most definatley record and write down every thing he says and does. in a journal and date it. PS in family court you dont have to alway prove it . the probablilty of . and the fact you called the police is enough.



Good Luck

Michelle

Robin - posted on 11/12/2009

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Keep a journal! This is very important. Write down every single interaction you have with him. This is sumissable in court because it is dated! Get copies of any domestic violence orders. Get an attorney!! Do not give him any visitation until you have to legally. Call social services on him if you feel his other children are in danger. It is very hard to get supervised visitation.....but like your said this is your precious baby, do not give up....keep fighting for as long as it takes! GL

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There are few things you can do. Document everything, from the time he has her, how she acts when you drop her off or he picks her up, how she acts when you get her back, get the police reports of everytime you called the police. If you called 911 you may also be able to request a copy of a transcript of the 911 call. I was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by my husband over 16 years ago and it is sometimes hard to prove however if you document everything, and I mean everything, then keep your head held high. He is doing this to scare you and trying to manipulate you. I agree with the earlier post about shared custody because unless he can prove you as an outfit mother then he probably won't get full custody. I know in the state of Indiana it almost takes an act of God to prove a parent unfit. If he is abusing his two other children and no one is reporting it, such as a teacher, they could be held accountable as well. There are agencies to help children in need, one of those agencies is the CASA office. I know of this agency because I have been sworn in as a CASA volunteer for my county. They help out social services in cases of abuse especially those against cases involving children. Contact your local social services department and ask them what you can do. I would also contact your local CASA office and ask the same questions you are asking here. Both of these agencies may be able to give you more information on what to do and not to do. You and your little girl will be in my families prayers. Please know God is your strength and He will get you through this.

Alice - posted on 11/11/2009

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the frist thing you should do is call child protection to for the other childern they have to check it out and they have ways of asking kids about the way they are treated if they are in school they will check that out with all the things about caseworkers not looking into things they are really checking. 2nd dont say anything to him you dont want it to look like you are atouble manker evrything you do yoy need to on the side because it can back fire so i would talk to a lawyer legal aid can help maybe they will asign a law gardian they are help full

good luck and god bless

Michelle - posted on 11/11/2009

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Find yourself a really really good lawyer unfortunately I was in the same boat with my ex except I left before he had the chance to get physically abusive unfortunately your child is not old enough to tell anyone what is going on so you have to advocate for her, just keep talking to lawyers until you find one who understands your concerns and is willing to fight for your child

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get copies of police reports on the physical abuse. Have you ever filed a report on his emotional abuse? It is very hard to prove emotional abuse, but it can be proven. Do you know what triggers his anger? This csn be shown in court if you know just one thing that can put the anger expression on his face. That is terrible that you are going through this, but I have lost my children. My mother-in-law got the custody of them because my husband signed them over to her at a time that i was having seizures. I no longer have seizures, which came to a suprise to him. He was never expecting my seizures to stop and never expected me to remember anything. I do remember it all in total detail and can believe I'm still with the man. I must be crazy. Just remember to get all police reports and know what triggers the anger. Although it may be hard to prove emotional abuse (remember that it can be proven! Thanks, Beth

Janita - posted on 11/11/2009

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I do know the feeling as I've been thru one Day-to-day care battle and going thru another with my boys. Once you responde to his affidavit you have the chance to put in it that you suggest that he has supervised visits thru barandos at his cost I'm sure they charge $30 an hour and state that there has been domestic violence in the rlationship the police will have it all on record and the fact that he kicked you out of the house when you where 9 months preganant your lawyer will help you put it together at the end of the day he wont get full custody but if he lives in the same town as you he may get shared custoy if he applies for it but I cant see that happening because of his violent history one thing you have to remember the courts only care about the best intrest of the child. If you need a hand writting your draft copy of your affidavit up I have a friend that cant help with that.

Rose - posted on 11/11/2009

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WOW !! You've gotten some REALLY AWESOME Advise here !! Everything I was going to suggest or advise you to do has already been hit on by others...That's GREAT !! I wish I had had this forum when I went thru my ugly custody fight last year..But I prevailed beause, thank God, I found a WONDERFUL lawyer and we won everything I requested....So there IS HOPE !!



My only comment therefore is, KEEP YOUR CHIN UP & KEEP THE FAITH !! You will do fine and truth WILL PREVAIL !!



DO NOT listen to anyone who tells you to "deal with it"...Not so !! You have a right to "PEACE, HARMONY & the pursuit of Happiness" just like everyone else...



Good luck !!

I'll keep you & your daughter in my prayers...

Angela - posted on 11/11/2009

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What people are saying is true. Make a paper trail. Log every day ...everything that happens. Keep it for as long as you can. THis will hold weight in court. Also go to a womans shelter. They know of good ways to help you. And good attorneys to help.If you can't afford one contact Legal Aid immediately. They will expedite needs when kids and abuse are involved. I agree with the taping them. However, Tape every conversation. These are legal if you are trying to prove he is lying about something he has said in court. And don't give up. Think like he does to stay one step ahead of him.

You can think like him and not be like him. Good luck. And know you are not alone

Tammy - posted on 11/11/2009

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Quoting Jessica :

I would preface this by saying that I am not an attorney and that I am not qualified to provide legal advise I can only give suggestions based on past experience. Talk to your local legal aid clinic or any law schools near you. Generally, in cases of domestic violence legal aid and law school clinics will become involved in custody suits. Also, contact your local domestic violence help center. They can help you work to set up a not contact or protection order in addition to providing legal advocacy. If you get a protection order make sure it covers the child not just youI would only recommend that someone go into a custody suit without an attorney if the parties still get along extreemly well and pretty much want the same thing or if you have not other option. Either way documentation is the way to go. You can obtain copies of police reports that were filed when the police arrived. Expect that you will have to pay for the copies of the reports in some places as much as a dollar a page. and in some states you can obtain copies of criminal/court records on line. Expect there to be questions that if you knew he was physically violent with his other children why did you not call CPS in your local area. Also, expect that anything you did wrong in the relationship will be passed back to you in court. Often times it benefits the man in these cases to make the woman look over emotional and hysterical. Stick to the facts and do not make an emotional plea unless it would clearly benefit your case. Do not get drawn into arguements with your ex during or after court. When you are on the stand (if it gets there) address your responses to the judge not just the attorneys. Wear something that makes you feel confident but, avoid wearing overly bright colors or overly busy clothing.Do not over explain when you answer a question, this one is always hard for me, you feel that if you just give them enough information they will all see the light and be on your side. This is not always the case. Remember that attorneys do not ask questions they don't already think they have the answer for. Most importantly tell the truth. This is not a girls night out lying and even exaggerating will come back to bite you in the butt. If you are caught lying, and you will be, your whole case will be blown and you may be held in contempt. You may also request that a Guardian Ad Litem be appointed. A GAL is an attorney who works for the child, not you. If you make this request and it is granted expect to pay the attorney fees for the GAL Also, remember to take care of yourself. In part cause if you aren't taking care of yourself your ablility to care for your kiddo is reduced. Also, it does not help to sit on the stand looking like you haven't slept in four months. Remember that you can do this.



This is EXCELLENT advice!!!  Every word was eerily similar to what I went through in my divorce.  I would put a restraining order (protection order) against him for your child and you; cal CPS if you know the other children are being hurt.  This man is dangerous and children should not be around him.  Women who are with these men (I stayed with mine 21 years) make your self-esteem go down the drain.  It has taken me years to realize my worth and love for myself.  Any domestic violence agency will work with you.  In Albuquerque, they will give you free legal services, but you must participate in their counseling program, which is always a good idea anyway.  Best wishes to you.  Please keep us updated.  I will send prayers for you and all the children.  ~Tammy

Linda - posted on 11/11/2009

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I am certainly not a lawyer, but recording phone calls, concealed video cameras and/or recorders during visits would surely back your case for sole custody.

Teresa - posted on 11/10/2009

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Go to the family courthouse, have everything documented and I mean everything, tell them you want an emergency custody order and you will see the judge that day. You will have to have someone serve him the court order or serve him yourself and it should all happen very quickley. Good luck and make sure you do this if you honestly feel that you and your child are not safe !!!!!!

Britney - posted on 11/10/2009

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I was in a relationship just like you were. its scary it's so similar. except my ex didn't have any other children.

it took me 3 years in court of battling for me to win full custody all you can do is collect evidence. take a video camera. go to the spy shops and get a mini camera and put it on your daughters favourite toy that she takes everywhere with her. or even a blanket and sew buttons on it and make sure it has sound. thats the best advice i can give you. i wish i had advice through mine like that.

it's not all legal but it works.

Jessica - posted on 11/10/2009

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I would preface this by saying that I am not an attorney and that I am not qualified to provide legal advise I can only give suggestions based on past experience. Talk to your local legal aid clinic or any law schools near you. Generally, in cases of domestic violence legal aid and law school clinics will become involved in custody suits. Also, contact your local domestic violence help center. They can help you work to set up a not contact or protection order in addition to providing legal advocacy. If you get a protection order make sure it covers the child not just youI would only recommend that someone go into a custody suit without an attorney if the parties still get along extreemly well and pretty much want the same thing or if you have not other option. Either way documentation is the way to go. You can obtain copies of police reports that were filed when the police arrived. Expect that you will have to pay for the copies of the reports in some places as much as a dollar a page. and in some states you can obtain copies of criminal/court records on line. Expect there to be questions that if you knew he was physically violent with his other children why did you not call CPS in your local area. Also, expect that anything you did wrong in the relationship will be passed back to you in court. Often times it benefits the man in these cases to make the woman look over emotional and hysterical. Stick to the facts and do not make an emotional plea unless it would clearly benefit your case. Do not get drawn into arguements with your ex during or after court. When you are on the stand (if it gets there) address your responses to the judge not just the attorneys. Wear something that makes you feel confident but, avoid wearing overly bright colors or overly busy clothing.Do not over explain when you answer a question, this one is always hard for me, you feel that if you just give them enough information they will all see the light and be on your side. This is not always the case. Remember that attorneys do not ask questions they don't already think they have the answer for. Most importantly tell the truth. This is not a girls night out lying and even exaggerating will come back to bite you in the butt. If you are caught lying, and you will be, your whole case will be blown and you may be held in contempt. You may also request that a Guardian Ad Litem be appointed. A GAL is an attorney who works for the child, not you. If you make this request and it is granted expect to pay the attorney fees for the GAL Also, remember to take care of yourself. In part cause if you aren't taking care of yourself your ablility to care for your kiddo is reduced. Also, it does not help to sit on the stand looking like you haven't slept in four months. Remember that you can do this.

Lynda - posted on 11/10/2009

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It sounds like you've recieved a lot of good advice. I would say do not answer the phone when he calls so that he has to leave a message and recordings done with their knowledge are accepted in court. Call child protective services on him to investigate the well being of his other children and that could help your case as well as his other children. Maybe talk to the other kids mom and see if the two of you can testify to his abuse. Have there been any "respectable" witnesses to anything? Make sure you are never alone with him. Have the person that is with you try to take pictures that have the date printed on them of incidents like not using a car seat properly, yelling at you and so forth. Use the batter women shelter to get guidance. There is no reason why any child should be harmed. Ask the court for a guardian ad-litem for your child when you go to court if you see that things are leaning more in his direction. In most states the judges lean for the mom to have custody unless she is proven "unfit". In other states the judges treat both parents equally and weigh the options and decide what they feel is best for the child. I've been told in the past to keep a handwritten journal of EVERYTHING that goes on between me and him and between him and my son. The nanny cam is a good thing for when your daughter is with him.

I wish you lots of luck.

Stacey - posted on 11/10/2009

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You need to use the records you have from calling the police and domestic violence - in the state of TN you can not get full custody unless the other parent is just unfit to be a parent at all. How old are the girls? If you talk with a lawyer see about having them called as witnesses - you can express your concerns and if he has not had regular visitation with her for a while you can stress that you want supervised visitation because she does not know this person since he has not been in her life. When he calls or comes over - you need to tape the visit to show proof.

Michelle - posted on 11/10/2009

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Buy a Note book and document, document, DOCUMENT!! Every call every conversation when a friend visits you and he calls put the phone on speaker so the conversation is heard by your "witness" even just to say he called and document big or small. Go to your local courthouse find out where the office of the mediator is and make an appointment FIRST to see someone and they will help you draw up court papers and you tell them what to write and they will submit it to the court tell them what your asking for and ask for full custody, why not!? The mediation even has one day o;ut of the week that its first come first serve basis get there as early as possible there tends to be a line! But have all your information with you and they do it that day even if you have set an appt up.and they do it for free! Most Counties. when your in court its important NOT TO BAD MOUTH DAD judges hate that, Keep in focus that they want to hear "whats in the best interest of your child" so dont taddle on dad keep facts and dates along with the time inncendents occurred police reports , nieghbors who might of heard him But just Facts not "He said, She said" .Good Luck!!

Alice - posted on 11/10/2009

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I personally havent been through this but i have a very close friend who has and this is what helped her if you can get all the police reports of when you called the police also keep a journal or something and record all messages my him if you can even the phone call. If you have evidance of him abusing his other kids use it. Get witness to help. You might consider asking the judge to apt. a i think its called law guardien and have that person talk to the other children. keep records if he dont show up for visitation. you also might consider getting a little cam and having it on when he is there to visit the baby. also if he does phyiscally attack you idm. look to see if there are any red marks and take pics of them. I think that since he only has like an hour a week vistation that he wont get full custody.

Alma - posted on 11/09/2009

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i can tell you from personal experience what i did when i was in this same situation. the only difference in my case is he kidnapped my daughter for two months and my lawyer had to hire a private investigator to find him. at first while the custody trial was going on he was able to have supervised visitation overnight for two nights everyother week. throughtout this whole thing he was an emotionally abusive prick. i was instructed by my lawyer to keep a journal about everything and it could be used in court. we had a guardian at alitum (i think thats how you spell it) that came and just supervised for about an hour every now and again jsut to observe what went on at each house hold. and he also interviewed people that we each knew and the guardians report was overlooked by the judge. depending on where you live you should get custody of your daughter. for example, here in wa unless the mother is proven to be unfit the mother always gets custody.

also growing up in an abusive environment i can def tell you that your daughter would be better off with you. emotional abuse especially stays with you longer than it takes a bruise to go away.

use all your police reports, keep a journal with times and dates. anything and everything that you can use to show that your daughter would be better with you

like i said though unless he proves you to be unfit you should be ok. i will keep you in my prayes and just know that everything happens for a reason. just stay strong!

Helena - posted on 11/09/2009

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Hi to reply to your need don't let him take your daughter from you fight back so much as you can't get your friends together and fight back there is to much violence the should never give him custody if he is abusive to his other children do everything you can to Kipp him away from your daughter

Marthinett - posted on 11/09/2009

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I'm not sure where you are from. But I was also in an emotional busive relationship - he never touched me though, but he did throw me with stuff. I was also kicked out of the house with the kids - etc. I know exactly what you are talking about. I am in Namibia, here he is allowed to see our child for 1 hour every second Saturday. Under my supervision. I got a protection order against him, without having to proof anything. I simply went to Woman and child abuse, I gave them my statement, took it to the Maintenance Court, filled in a detailed form there and they issued me with a 3 year protection order. You dont have to proof anything, they told me - everything I said under oath, they see as the truth, it is now HIS job to proof that I am lying... and how does he want to do that? What I also started doing, was taping his telephone conversations where he gets aggressive, and I kept all of his sms'es. Also remember... he cannot just get custody of your child. He has to proof that you are an unfit mother. Here in Namibia he then has to proof that you are either doing drugs, an alcoholic or a prostitute, that you neglect your child, she does not have a roof over her head or food to eat. Thats it. The fact that he earns more than you and all that b.s. doesn't mean sh*t. They like scaring us... believe me, I know that all too well, but once I started talking to my lawyer and getting all my fact straight... he backed off. I hope things work out for you, as it dit for me. Also... PRAY... God WILL take care of you and your daughter. I will be thinking of you.

Mel - posted on 11/09/2009

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I feel for you.
My ex was emotionally and verbally abusive through our whole relationship.
He did not physically hit me till after I left him but he used to smash things and punch walls etc.
After we broke up how ever that was a different matter.
he began to make threats and comments like "I understand why fathers killed their children."
When I met someone and the threats became more constant and worse it all became to much for myself and the children to deal with. My new partner is extremely supportive and has backed me all the way through.
I have a DVO against him now for protection of myself and my kids.
But I will tell you now it don't end there. I have moved interstate and moved on with my life only to have him decide to try and get the order revoked.
Courts were useless, when I put it on they offered to have an officer represent me if I felt unsafe attending now they say they need my testimony and that I have to attend with him there.
Meaning I have to pay for airfares and fly interstate to keep my children safe.
He has very rarely seen them since we broke up even before the DVO went on as he really had no interest in them. Just wanted to make my life hard.

Has he ever threatened your daughter?
Either way I suggest you speak to a domestic violence centre about your ability to put a DVO on him protecting both yourself and your child.
Once this is in place you can then use it with the application for full custody and there is very little chance they will give him anymore then supervised visit at a child protection centre if they even give him that.

Marija - posted on 11/09/2009

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Hi Laticia,



I am sorry you are going through this. I dont know what you have learned so far, or what people have told you so far, but I would like to help you. Please just send me a message. I have gone through this and I know how it feels, when you are in the type of situation and especially when the child is concnerned. I am legit, I m not a lawyer, just someone who went through a horrid custody battle, worse then yours for 2 loooong years.



take care

god bless ....

Janet - posted on 11/09/2009

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Hi, I am the mom of a 20 yr old who is still going through the same thing, But, You NEVER stop fighting him. For your Daughters own good. The police tell her EX that and us, that if she was Beating the Crap, excuse my language out of the child, that's the ONLY, way that he can get full custoty, very hard to take a child from their Mother! Hang in there and Document every call to the police cause when you go to court you will have all these complaints against him. I don't know your situation that well ,but, if you Had an Emergency Custody Order on him, It would have been in your favour, My daughter did, and every time he went pass her house, which was within 300 meters, he was breaking his probation, arrested and put in Jail over night! He has a court date now, which, my Daughter is Trying to get it all thrown out cause she wants him back, yes, I said SHE WANTS HIM BACK, He was very verbally abbusive to her for 8 yrs, Anyway, He can be put in jail now for 18 months just for breaking his probation and it is all over her word that he drove by. The law IS on your side, He hasn't seen his son now in about 2 mths and every time they call the cops for their visatation rights, that was approved 2 years ago in Supreme Court, the cops tell the Family that there is nothing they can do about it. They also can't go fight a custoty battle either because until the E.P.O. is over, which is 3 mths long, they can't even be in the same room to arrange it ,so think about your next move! My Grandson is only 3 years old and the father NEVER ever had a criminal record until all this! Good Luck and Please let me know how things go, I worry about people like you, and would love to see things work out in your favour! Take soon, I hope, Janet

Tracy - posted on 11/09/2009

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If you have a small tape recorder, record the time he is there visiting your child. If his other children are old enough, see if they will tell the judge how he is with them.

Andrea - posted on 11/09/2009

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Can you get help now!! starting in your church, or cal the 800-line dor domestic violence i will pray for you in your local area should be 1-800 number also ,,i dont know how the system work in your state but for him to take full custody of your son he has to prove that you are a very un-fitted mother, or that you are dangerous to the welfare of your child,,, get help church, catholic charities org,also help a lot good luck!!

Jane - posted on 11/09/2009

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journaling ... this not only creates a reference point while you are in court or for your attourneys, but allows you to express the facts as they happen. EVERY kind of communication and ALL contact you & him or your child & him should be journaled as soon as possible. this helped in the adoption of myself & my brother. Although this is still your word against his, you will seem more confident and reliable to the court if you can have a place to pin-point altercations. Make sure this includes all contact, including if there are any transfers of money, gifts and cards.

Kimberly - posted on 11/09/2009

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Everyone has given such good advise, Keep a record get all police records, record what you can and try to keep your emotions out of this, it will help you will see.Let us know how you make out we will keep you in our prayers

Shauna - posted on 11/09/2009

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Keep great records and copy of any police reports. Also make sure when you go to court that in the court order you get your lowyer to outline rights to child care pick up if you are using a outside care. If you don't have in the order that Dad is not to pick up and that police are to inforce if he tries the child care centre will not be able to deny the father rights to pick up.

Lavern - posted on 11/09/2009

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Quoting Laticia:

messy custody battle!!! I need help!!!!

My daughter is 11 months old. her father and i have been split up since i was 9 months pregnant, when he kicked me out of the house, spitting in my face and calling me a whore. our relationship was 4 very long and rough years. we have had some physical altercations in the past including him slamming against the wall and choking me. i have called the police several times as well as domestic violence. but what has always hurt me the most was the emotional abuse. he has always called me names and he has put me down for as long as i have known him. he also has 3 other children that he has full custody of due to the fact that his ex was arrested for drugs several years back. he is emotionally and verbally abusive to his 2 daughters and he is all that plus physically abusive to his son. since her birth in noveber, he has had "visitation" once a week for about an hour starting in march and ending in august. during those times i have called the police twice and domestic violence 3 times, but i keep getting told the same thing and that is that it is really hard to prove verbal and emotional abuse. now he is taking me to court for full custody of my daughter. i am scared to death!!!! how can i keep this from happening??? i am asking for sole custody and for him to have supervised visitation but everyone tells me that i should just accept the fact that he will get normal visitation and there is nothing i can do about it and that i will just have to not let it bother me. but this is my precious daughter and her safety is at risk, i need some guidance, support, advice, loopholes, whatever!!!!!


 

Wendy - posted on 11/09/2009

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"Men" like these should have their PENISES removed and it should be against the law for them to have children!!!!! In my dreams I suppose!
There is nothing worse than going through what you are currently going through. If a mother fears for her childs safety, it is easy to get so worried that you lose sight of the obvious.
You are an excellent mother and there is no way in hell the court will allow him sole custody! You will have to be a crack whore and abusive to your children before they would even consider that!
Unfortunately this does not mean that he will not get joint custody. I suggest that you immediatly start looking for the best laywer you can afford and do your homework well. Even if you have to borrow money from everyone you know... you cannot take chances on a no good laywer as both of your futures depend on this. I also agree that you need to get his other children to tesitfy on his abuse (but what would that mean for them???) The court could decide to open an investigation and charge him with child abuse. If they succeed, the children will end up foster care and if they don't the children will end up being even more abused!! I would really think long and hard and discuss this in length with your laywer. Your first priority should be your own child. If you are successfull with gaining sole custody, you can consider helping his other children. And I agree with the nanny cam, tape recordings, photos, journaling and all that, but try to prove that he is an unfit parent and not an unfit husband, as the case will not revolve around the two of you. The court will only take into consideration wether or not he is an unfit parent.
I do hope and pray that the Lord will be with you each step of the way and that your family and friends will support you throughout this process. It will drain you emotionally, but the reward will be a safe an happy child!
Some days I really wish I was a laywer or a judge - no abusive men that come through my court will EVER have the luxury of abusing a child!
Thinking of you... xxx

Debbie - posted on 11/08/2009

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Messy,

I was married to my first husband for 20 yrs. 1980- 2000. Within that time frame, we faught alot in which some of tit was fical. The police were called every so ofter. I had a restraining order put against him in 1986, for domestic voilence. We went back to court after 15 days, we had spoken inbetween, in which we wern't supose to, he told me later that if I wouldn't have dropped the fear of him, he would have had it reversed. We, like a dummy reconciled our difference. Things were still rocky off and on! We relocated to brevard county and in 1999, things were so difficult, I wanted out, but couldn't afford to get my own place. We were still living under the same roof. I went to work that day, and spoke to a friend about moving in with her, had the details worked out. I planned on coming home, packing my clothing and going to her house. Didn't quite work that way. . He told meHe was playing some chick's CD in the stero, So I pulled it out and broke it. Then we were fighting over a piece of a computer, and when I tried to get part of the equipment from him, his shirt got ripped. I had just opened a bottle of wine before that. The cops were called. I have three kids by him that was in the room at the time all this was going on. My son has ADHD. He told the cops his side of the story, and had my son back him up. I told my side and I was arrested on domestic violence. I spent 2 days there, and a girlfriend bailed me out. She had witness a few insidents as well.I put my plan into motion and picked up my personal belongs and stayed at my friends. I hired a lawer. He helped me get back into the house and what shocked me as well as other friends and family members they split up the kids. My oldest daughter 17 at the time wasn't living at home. I had a daughter 14 that was awarded back to me, included child support, and son 15, went with him. Our visitation was swapped every other wk end. With in a month or 2, my son was calling me and saying he had no place to go and couldn't get ahold of his dad. This was 9:30 pm. I had a friend pick him up and bring him back to my house. The cops were called again. I told them, if u want to arrest me for carring for my son, then do it. I called DCF and explain the situation, they came out investigated Within a month I was awarded my son, increased child support. We relocated again because I couldn't afford the house payment, and he wouldn't help. I got a restraining order against him, in which is still in effect. We were finally divorced in July 2000. Best think I could have done. The judge modified the divorce and injunction together. My oldest daughter and I had difficult issues between us and were not speaking. Once we divorced and the door was finally shut the ice was broken between us. I then found out the reason we didn't get along was because something happened between my husband at the time, and her. She thought I new and wasn't doing any thing to prevent it. She wouldn't call DCF or file a complaint with the cops. She saids she still has nitemares about that. I still don't know all the details, and I don't bring it up unless she starts a conversation about that subject.We spoke every day, and she was a bridesmaid at my wedding in Oct.2002. Since then, we all still speak, all get along and were all pretty close. He malnipulated the younger kids while growing up, which did effect more on my son then daughter. It actually took them seeing the whole picture, before they could comprehend everything. They r now 24, 25, and 28. Son is still unstable, with an additude problem at times, The oldest has been married since 2006, and the youngest is with boyfriend since 2005.

I may have this on my record, but the only thing I've lost is him.I have a piece of mind, I'm remarried to a great guy, in which he had three boys all grown. We all have a great relationship and all try to get together durning the holidays, if possible.

Emotional voilence is hard to prove and cops r only going to react on a court order, unless they see physical signs on either person. As far as the judge, I think I met everyone of them I Brevard county. They have a full case load, and their only going to here facts not hear say. .One thing that helped me is I went to the sherriffs office and got copies of all reports the had anything to do with us. I was harrassed, & stalked. I also had taped conversations between him and the kids when he would call them. I know that's elligle, but I had no problem turning them over to DCF or the judge with an explaination if I had too. The judge said "NO USING THE KIDS AS PAWNS." I aslo was able to get a detailed billing statement with request thru my cell phone company. As far as the home line I had all the extra features, at the time cost me $30,00. It registers the time, date and who is calling. I used that as part of my records. I included a pass code to keep from being ultered. All utilities had pass codes as well. My bank account never had his name on it. There's alot of help out there and most people can count on close friends for support. Thank God for mine! The first thing u need to do is get your doctumentation. I didn't hire an attorney for my divorce, I did it my self and saved alot of money. Keep in mind though, u will have to be able to show prof that you can provide the necessary meands for your child. Food, clothing and shelter. as well as a stable envirement. I also kept records of my where abouts, just in case. I never really went anywhere unless I was with a friend, with the exceptions of work. Then I had my pimecard for proof, if I needed it. As far as visition, Meat at a police station, or in a public place where there's always people around, as well as secutity. Tape ur conversations as far as arrangements for/with the kids. I had a small pocket recorder in my pocket durning drop of or pick up time. If any conciltations, you got it on tape. He was violated on this for harrassment twice. UNLESS YOU CAN PROVE he is harming the kids, the judge in most cases, will grant him regular visition. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, GET YOURSELF AND CHILD IN A STABLE ENVIORMENT! If u can't afford your own place, see about a relative, as long as their not in any trouble with the law at this time.Don't get DCF involved in this matter if you can help it. They will haunt you regularly. File a restraining order to keep him away, after you get your doctcumentation! If you r granted the primary custodian parent, make sure the child support payments go thru the court system not mailed directly to you. Do not except any cash payment directly thru him without a witness there at time of transaction. Make out a reciept and make a copy for your records.If he refuses to sign, have witness sign and date it. You can do it, be strong ! I hope this helps you..............

[deleted account]

The info others give is incorrect.Go to the police Department where your reports are filed a nd request copies of the police reports, also anytime he calls let voice mail get it if you have voicemail that way there is a record. Keep track of all communications with him make a log book. Alsohave the local child protective services check on the other children, you don't have to give a name and ask them to go to the school and speak with the children. If the son is being physically abused they should check him 1st for marks. God Bless you and I will pray that all goes well for you. Men don't usually get custody unless they can prove you are unfit.

Barbara - posted on 11/08/2009

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I have dealt with CPS in La. & Texas & can tell you that if they even suspect you are trying to "involve" them in a child custody situation, they run for the hills. It's a nightmare.

Leslie - posted on 11/08/2009

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document everything and record every conversation. Get social services on him and see if there are any witnesses that can support you. Take pictures of any abuse. Go to the hospital right away and they can help. Be strong, smart, and have your friends and family for support.

Leonora - posted on 11/08/2009

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Have you tried requestiong for supervised visitation given what you have been through. With this there will alwasy be somebody there hen he visits your child. Also if you have the proof that he abused his other kids like you said he did then you do have the law on your side!! Good luck

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