Mother-in-law

Skye - posted on 04/03/2010

Wow...Im so sorry... But I feel for you. My mother in law is almost just as bad, but i would tell your husband to cut the cord... you are the mother and he is the father and his mother should have no say in what you do or how you raise you child. Especially if her opinion is making you go back on your word to your daughter... she kept up her end of the deal and so should you regardless of what the mother in law says besides your husband agreed to it in the first place... so I say good luck... And let her know how you feel!

Tracy - posted on 04/03/2010

I know exactly what your going thru,my husband is an only child. his mother refuses to let him grow up.We've been married for 16 years and it hasn't gotten any better. We were talking about moving back to my home town she called and told me that if we moved back that my husband would not be allowed at her funeral when she died and that he would not be notified in such incident. I too had a miscarriage, she told my husband my doctor told her I had an apportion. The list goes on and on. My best advise to you is give to god and know that your not a bad person, if you want to get your daughters ears pierced do it and tell your husbands mother she raised her kids let you raise yours and back off. Tell your husband that he is a married man not a child and that the two of you make the decisions not the mother in law its none of her business.He has allready agreed to it so get it done. If he doesn't break the cord from momma you'll never going to have any piece.

Tah - posted on 04/03/2010

@Cherie, i am also a nurse and Stress can be a huge factor in miscarriages. IF you and your husband are arguing and your mother in law is saying hurtful things to you, that can absolutely contribute to a miscarriage. Yes a fetus not developing properly can be a cause also, but, stress definitely does not help. I also don't think it was the stress of her daughter not having her ears pierced. I believe it is the situation with her husband and mother-in-law at large. I mean the women told her son his wife was uncivilized and they shouldn't have a child right now, while she was pregnant and i am guessing it wasn't sent to her wrapped in bows and lace, I also doubt it was the only thing going on at the time. ..



Also i keep wondering when did everyone else become her COM mothers and start telling her when to get her daughters ears pierced, i doubt she was asking if she should, she is the mother and it is what she wanted also. My daughter has had her ears pierced since 6 months old and she wears post and i can't imagine how they would get ripped out unless she was wearing doo knockers so big they weighed her head down. That is not what the post is about, us giving her permission or our views on that. I think she meant it to be an example of what she goes through with her husband and m-i-l.

Lynette - posted on 04/03/2010

These mother-in-laws need to butt out and let their married children run their own affairs. a line has to be drawn here.

Faye - posted on 04/03/2010

I would live my life as if she doesn't exist. do not consider her in your decisions at all. When she voices her opinions, "thank you for sharing", then dismiss it as if you had never heard it. Take your daughter to get her ears pierced just the two of you. It's nobody else's business. Avoid her. Don't visit her. Be unavailable when she visits or calls. Your husband and children will have a relationship with her but you don't have to other than superficially.

Read "The Vortex" by Esther and Jerry Hicks. It will help you a lot with staying in your own energy regardless of what other people say or do.

Leanne - posted on 04/03/2010

Cherie, you maybe a RN but your no doctor, miscarriages can be caused by stress might want to get your facts straight and talk to the doctors at your hospital or clinic. I think what you said is quite mean you could have said that much nicer and she doesnt need to be judged about her daughter having her room clean all the time and how your such a great parent with kids in the gifted program, that is great they were but that has no bearing on the conversation, getting ears pierced is no big deal why that would have any bearing on how a child grows up is beyond me, its not like we are talking about mini skirts and make up. She did not ask for parenting advice, she is asking for advice about her MIL and used ear peircing as an example, not be told how to parent because you parented differently. Again my main concern was you not having your facts straight about miscarriages, being a nurse you should know better and you being a mother who has had miscarriages before you should know how she would feel to hear that from you, a total stranger.

Amanda - posted on 04/03/2010

I am sorry for your loss. =o( I personally would set them both down and have a conversation with them. first one with him, then one with her, then one with all three of you all together. I am sorry that she is like that to you. I got lucky, have an awesome mother in law. Maybe it is time you set some rules down on that, tell her you two are living your life and she isnt the one taking care of your child and if you want her ears pierced, well get her ears pierced. =o) she honestly has NO say so in how you raise your child. she has her OPINIONS, and if they arent nice, well maybe she needs to keep them to herself.

Mindy - posted on 04/03/2010

just to clear up, to cherie: what she meant about stress causing her miscarriage was the stress of her mother in law saying that they needed to wait longer to have a baby after she'd already told them she was pregnant. that is definitely a low blow, especially coming from the grandmother of the child...

Mindy - posted on 04/03/2010

no matter where you go in life or who you are around, there will always be people like that, that stick their nose where it doesn't belong. you should talk about it with your husband and tell him that in order for your relationship with her not to suffer, you and he both need to tell her to 'back off' in the nicest way possible. it is not rude to stop someone when they start to give their opinion, especially pertaining to your personal family values and when to expand your family. those are very personal private things and if you feel like someone is stepping on your toes then by all means you have every right to say so, even if she is your mother-in-law. as far as the miscarriage, i'm very sorry to hear that. but you can't hold it against her, or you'll end up hating your husband for it, too in the long run. sometimes people like that just need to be put in their place and i'm sure the reason she acts that way is because no one ever has. so talk to hubby and tell him that for your personal health and well-being (not to mention that of your family) you have to confront your MIL. if not now, then at least the next time she sticks her nose where it doesn't belong! good luck

Folake - posted on 04/03/2010

just take things easy n pray to God to intervene.GOOD LUCK

Gina - posted on 04/03/2010

Dear Cassie, I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I know how you feel when it comes to your mother in law but it's from the other side. My mother tries to control me and both she and my father (deceased) have tried to control my life since the day I came home from the hospital. I always did as I was told until I was about 23yrs. I then started to do what I wanted and what I thought best for me. I am now 43yrs old married and have 1child. My mother is still trying to control what happens in MY family. I just ignore her or tell her to mind her own business. She doesn't like my choice of husband. She has recently told me to not give my daughter a birthday party, well guess what she is having one and my mother is not invited. My advice to you is to tell your husband how you feel and give him an ultimatum that it either his family or his mother. WHEN he chooses HIS FAMILY you then have him tell his mother that if she keeps trying to interfere she will be out of your lives forever. If she is controlling him then she will most certainly try to control your children too. I agree with the others that say that they believe that she doesn't like you. She probably had someone in mind for him to marry before you came along in his life and things backfired for her.. If, and it's a big if, he chooses his mother over you take your child and go home to your family and not have any contact with him for a week. Then when he calls ask him if he has come to his senses. If he still wants to be controlled by his mom by then continue not having contact with him for the rest of the month. I know it will be hard but tough love always works. If you don't have her stop interfering now you will end up possibly getting a divorce. I know no one wants to end their marriage. I can see how much you love your husband and want to keep your marriage intact. I know my advice sounds harsh but if you try it and it works for you then you can be proud of your husband for cutting the apron strings and getting his independence from his mom. Good Luck. Gina Manning

Annette - posted on 04/03/2010

First off your mother-in-law is not part of your immediate family. You, your husband, and your daughter are. So what she says shouldn't bother you, because you aren't married to her your married to your husband, even if she has something to say take it with a grain of salt because she doesn't rule your family. Your the mother you can judge what is need to be done. I would just politely tell her thanks for her advice but your, the mother of your daughter not her and that she can't control what goes on with your family. TAKE charge of your family don't let her bring you down, because once she knows that she has control she is going to take advantage of it! Im truely sorry to hear you had a miscarriage hopefully you can try again and hope that all the moms that gave you advice on here makes you a stronger person!

Maggie - posted on 04/03/2010

i had a mother-in-law much like yours -- except she didn't control my hubby, she simply criticized me all the time. we would go out to visit her, and because hubby was self-employed if he wasn't working we didn't have money, so he would spend a few days working with an old friend to earn money to get back home on. well, this left me at home, alone, with his mother, which I hated. for years he used to accuse me of hating his mother, and i assured him that wasn't the case, i just didn't like being alone with her. finally when we went out to visit her when she was selling her house, she was very angry about having to do this (but that was because she didn't wait for us to discuss what could be done to help her out with upkeep) she was taking it out on hubby, and very snippy with me and hubby FINALLY saw what i'd been trying to tell him for years, and he did apologize to me. About the only thing you can do is talk to your hubby and limit contact with her as much as possible without being "vindictive" about it. it isn't a healthy relationship, it is very important that the husband and wife make decisions on their own, based on what both decide -- she's raised her kids and needs to keep her nose out of it. unless your hubby starts setting boundaries with her, though, it probably won't happen.

Cherie - posted on 04/03/2010

Hello
I am a RN, and have myself had several miscarriages. I doubt that the "stress" of your daughter not getting her ears pierced at four caused it. Miscarriages occur because the fetus wasn't developing properly.
At four, that's pretty young to have her ears pierced. Growing up too fast...society is pushing for that, and it is, to me, a slippery slope into materialism....my daughter is just turned twenty-two, and there's no way that she would have had her ears pierced at that age...I also had her reading books instead of watching TV...and she was in the gifted kid program. It's about standing up and saying "No!" to trends, and teaching her to be the same....
As for you being uncivilized...what is making her say that? There is a reason why your husband chose you to be his wife. Sadly, at times, it is the same reason that repels a person later on. Your daughter should keep her room clean, period. Not just for two weeks...my ex-husband was that way, but he also had problems with authority, which he didn't believe it was for him to be doing,and it was a recipe for disaster. Children need love, structure, discipline. Don't start on well, if you want something do this for X-amount of time...you'll regret it when she gets older.

Lisa - posted on 04/03/2010

I've had an interesting mil for 30 yrs. Intrusive and controlling and a lair. She is very sly in how she goes about things and I was way to easy going. She feels like she must be included in everything and if you don't go along with her, you are the one causing problems then goes and talks about it to the rest of the family.
There are some books that Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend wrote called "Boundaries" I wish I had read them 30 yrs ago. I am now starting to take my control back and I'm paying a price for it. Set your boundries now before it gets out of control. God BLess.

Sue - posted on 04/03/2010

agree with Rosa below - your husband must take control of this

Kim - posted on 04/03/2010

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and the situation you are in with your mother-in- law. I went through a similar situation with my husband and my mother- in-law. I had several big blow outs with my mother in law in the beginning after my son was born. I was very civil and polite with her when I saw her out of respect for my husband. But after a while, I sat my husband down and told him that it was time for him support me...us.. as a family and for him to cut the apron strings with his mother. I turned the situation around and asked my husband how he would like it if my mother was saying things to him, and I didn't back him up? I think some Moms just have a hard accepting in that their " little baby boy" is grown and that they are not the number one female in their son's lives anymore. Maybe a bit jealous... I just held my ground with her and when she made snotty comments about our parenting I would thank her for her input and tell her that it was nice to have advice from someone who had experience and learned from their parenting mistakes. It made her realize that she herself was not a perfect mother ( what mother is) raising her son. She didn't know what to say. Just keep firm with her. Good luck!!

Trish - posted on 04/03/2010

I suggest waiting on the ear piercing, only because as your daughter grows, her ear lobes may not grow symmetrically and when she's a tween or teen, her piercings may not be even and she may have to do it again or have it repaired. This happened with me & my daughter, now 18, she had here's pierced around 4-5 and one ear's hole, migrated noticably. Tell your husband to handle his mother, if he won't YOU do it once & for all. Do it now, it will only get worse. Good luck.

Tah - posted on 04/03/2010

ok sweetie..a lot of people are jumping in and sounding like a mother-in-law..like for instance, telling you that in their opinion, your daughter should not have her ears done now or shouldn't make the decision. If it is something that your daughter brought up..and YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND AGREE...then that is all that matters, but this is not about getting ears done(my daughter had hers done as a baby) It is about your husband letting his mom make decisions in your household. Write them both a letter telling them, as nicely as you can. but sternly how you feel, tell your husband in the letter that you appreciate him and all he does and what he means to you and your daughter, but how you feel put on a back burner to his mothers view of things and you more than anything do not want that to affect your relationship. Tell him that you are his wife and you feel decisions are made between you and he and it ends there. You can let her know that while you appreciate her caring for you and your family, you feel some things should be the decision of you and your huisband, as the two of you are a young family and learning your way as she was once was, so you know she MUST know how you feel. Let her know thaat u want her involved absolutely, for support, but you appreciate it is she allowed you and her son to make choices for the family together because you know, that she, from one mother to another, would not want you to feel undermined in any way, and that u know that would never be her intent, though sometimes it is the result. Thank her again for all she has done and close the letter.



Now ur feelings have been put out there and the next step is up to them. Then tell him you are taking your daughter to get her ears pierced because that is what you and he promised the baby and you know that he doesn't want to disappoint her and make her feel like daddy breaks his promises. That you would love him to be there, but if not, it was already promised. Also pray about it.

Angela - posted on 04/03/2010

Firstly, in my personal opinion your daughter is way too young to have her ears pierced at 4 or even at 7. She is still way to young to know what is best for her and that is where you are supposed to step in. She has years and years ahead of her as an adult but in the mean time let her be a child. I was under constant pressure from my daughter but she was told that she couldn't get hers done until she was 10. I kept to my word and she got her ears done on her 10th Birthday when she was old enough to make sure that they didn't get ripped out in the playground.

As far as getting pregnant is concerned then you need to make it perfectly clear to your Mother In Law that whether or not you get pregnant it has nothing what so ever to do with her (or on any other matter that concerns YOUR family). You need to discuss this with your husband and tell him how you feel, explain that while she is entitled to her personal opinion, at the end of the day your husband should be backing you up and not changing his mind just because his mother says so. Then you need to stand up to her and tell her that if she doesn't stop interfering in your family that she will be no longer welcome to visit or contact you or your child / children. If your hubby can't or won't stand up to his Mother then tell him that unless he changes his the error of his ways then heis more than welcome to go back and live with her until they both have a rethink on the important things in life.
I speak from experience when I talk of the Mother In Law from hell and I lived under a constant black cloud until I spoke up for myself and my family and now we get on really well although I had sufferered for about 3 years after my first son was born.

Sherry - posted on 04/02/2010

My heart goes out to you. My 8 yr marriage was very similar .It ended in 2000.My ex husband became terminally ill and passed away last month.The last few months were a nightmare due to his mother's control issues.Making funeral arrangements was almost a fiasco.All the tensìon has been hard on the children.Boundaries should have been set by my ex husband in the beginning.In the end when he wasnt here anymore to defend us ,she became out of control and my kids ended up being confused and hurt.I would talk to ur husband and explain that as an adult with obligations to his family,that he should talk to his mom about respecting that u are also a mother and have authority in the home.
I also suggest a living will and pre arranging all things of importance.Good luck!

Eveonne - posted on 04/02/2010

So take YOUR daughter to get her ears pierced, what is she going to do after the fact, yell, so what. After you stand up to her like a big girl yourself, then maybe she will mind her own business, until then, probably not, because she knows she gets to you, and it works! Good luck to you and your situation, and also remind your husband to stand with you!! ( and possibly grow a pair)!!

Debby - posted on 04/02/2010

:( my mother-in-law and I have issues. I can't say I know how you feel because my husband is independent.

I'm not a big fan of small children getting piercings, sorry. Not that she is right to step in.I don't think you can blame any one person for a miscarriage. It is an awful event.

Basically, she is not the problem. It's how your husband takes her side that is the main problem. I hope it gets better.

Sherry - posted on 04/02/2010

Well said Kathy....very well said :)

Kathy - posted on 04/02/2010

After having read through the replies here I will keep it short and to the point. You made a deal with your child and you need to stick to it period. It is unimportant what anyone else thinks an agreement was made with your child and you need to prove to her that it is important to keep that word. We need to teach our children right and wrong and if you do not follow through on the deal you made you will be sending the wrong message.

Sherry - posted on 04/02/2010

I am so sorry you miscarried, and I am so sorry that your MIL is being sooo.....mean. Your best bet is to talk to your husband and explain to him that he needs to stop being spineless when it comes to his Mom.....yes, she can give her opinion, but it is the decision of both parents when it comes to a child. Also, he is married to you, not his mom(that would be gross) and the decision to have a aby rest souly on the 2 of you. If your husband cannot tell his mom to butt out, then you need to tske matters into your own hand. Try to talk to her nicely and in a civilized manner so she cannot come back later and call you names again. otherwise, if none of those options work, there are other ways to solve the issue. Just wanted to share my opinion...not trying to cause harm :)

Gayla - posted on 04/02/2010

I have been married three times, so this answer comes with much experience. In my first marriage my mother-in-law controled my husbands discisions as well. This cause many problems in our marriage. This will not end until you put a stop to it. In my second marriage my husband and I decided this, he would take care of the issues caused by his family and I would take care of the issues caused by mind. All discisions we make are final and our discisions, which should never include other family members. Cassie is your and your husband's daughter not your mother-in-law's daughter. You must take a stand with your husband on this issue. Weather your daughter gets her ears pierced or not on all future decisions you both need to be one.

Kellean - posted on 04/02/2010

Other people can have that affect on us. I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage. You must be a very caring and sensitive person. I truly understand in that I am that way too. You try so very hard to make everyone happy and in doing so you lose yourself.
It sounds like your husband needs to make a stand. First of all he needs to quit telling his mom stuff. It isn't any of her business. He should leave it to you to tell her if you choose to. If she does learn something about you and your husband and expresses her opinion. Then your husband must stand up to her and tell her that this decision is the between the two of you. His loyalty needs to remain with you. He married you and you should be first and foremost. You are the mom to his children!
Just talk to your husband and help him to understand. It may take a while.
I find that in Q&A sessions like this one not everyone has your best interest. Sometimes their answer is about themselves. I hope that you will find the best answer that suits you and there will be positive changes. Just remember not to change yourself to suit someone else. You are a good mom! Hang in there!
Most of all take care of yourself!

Angela - posted on 04/02/2010

Ok, most of the advice you've gotten here is the same basically. One of the differences is the attitude and tone with which you should approach your husband and/or mother-in-law. Before I continue let me say I have been where you are with one exception: my mom-in-law didn't despise me or let her jealousy of being replaced take over as a priority. She did expect to have to hold my hand and show me how to do everything as that's the way she raised her daughters, to be dependent on her. I was raised to be independent. That took some adjustment to get used to. Also, the things that my mom-in-law would advise or STRONGLY suggest were because that's how it was done in her time. There was no intended maliciousness that meant I was a bad mom (though it could feel that way at times) and she's bragged to people that I AM a good mom (warm fuzzies there :) ) but explaining why my six month old didn't need a heavy sweater on an record breaking 80* Mother's Day or that he would not be getting ear infections from the wind blowing against his ear (Pediatricians are GREAT back ups for things like this: Well, the pediatrician said..." Makes it hard to argue with a doctor's advice, right?)...anyway, it did take some time to get to the point where she trusted me and let go of wanting to do it all for me. We had a few REALLY bad moments and one awful fight but I learned to appreciate my June Cleaverish mom-in-law's advice (even when I didn't use it all) and she learned to trust that I wasn't going to drop my son on his head.

But going back to your mom-in-law being replaced in the top slot of women in your dh's life. That is probably a huge issue for your mom-in-law, especially since your husband seems to have been her baby boy. So keep that in mind. She needs to know that you aren't going to steal him away or replace her in your hubby's heart but be two of the three most important women in his life.

Confronting your husband or your mom-in-law in an aggressive manner is not going to help. You DO need to sit your dh down and explain to him that while his mom was the most important woman in his life, now that he's married, his priority is now you and your daughter. He needs to back you up and remember you're the family unit and you've already promised your daughter she can get her ears pierced and you can't go back on that without teaching her that she can't trust or rely on her parents. He also needs to understand that having your back and presenting a solid front doesn't mean turning his back on his mom. He can tell her thanks for the advice and that you will both take it under advisement before deciding. That way she's heard AND he's presented you both as a strong family unit.

Also, if he's the one telling you the terrible things your mom-in-law is saying, he needs to STOP. If she's telling you directly, she needs to STOP! Either way, he MUST tell his mom that you are his wife and he loves you and whether or not she agrees with his choice in mates, it WAS his decision and he chose you. As such, she MUST respect you or the two of you will leave (or she'll be asked to leave) when she displays that inappropriate behavior. All this should be backed up with the fact that he still loves her and cherishes all she's done for him.

If your husband refuses to stand up for you or gets upset when you try to talk to him about the issues you have with their behavior, then you will have to take it into your own hands. Be firm but not rude or obnoxious whenever she tries to bully you into doing something you don't feel is right for your family. Thank her for her advise, no matter how ridiculous you may think it sounds, and tell her you'll consider it. She'll feel as if she's being heard, which will help lower her defenses about you. Finally, if she continues to berate, belittle, and name call you despite your best efforts to be civilized, then you can remind her that HER behavior is less than civilized and if she can't behave properly, then you'll leave. Then do it.

Think of your husband and your mom-in-law as you would your daughter. If she misbehaves, give her a warning by letting her know the consequences of said behavior, then if she acts up, you follow through. If you're consistent over time, then your daughter's behavior improves because she knows you mean what you say and she understands what will happen if she doesn't do what she's told. If you're inconsistent, then the behavior gets worse because she gets a pay off by getting away with the behavior every X number of times she tries it. Or it becomes a game she plays to see how much she can get away with.

Adults aren't any different. If people can't respect you, then you shouldn't put up with it. Leave, ask them to leave, stay away for however long, then give them another try. Repeat the process as necessary. If you tolerate their nastiness, that simply tells them that they can do what they want and you might whine or bitch but you'll take it so why should they bother to stop?

Good luck with both your hubby and your mom-in-law. And congrats on getting your daughter's ears pierced. ;o)

Leah - posted on 04/02/2010

Girl I feel like we are long lost friends! I have had the same problem with my husband. I told him that when he married me he said I come first, and all other second. So he can either dwell in the warmth of the sun or go live on a sunless planet with his family. You need to remind your husband that his mother had her life, this is you and his life. He is stripping you of motherhood. You need to be able to make discisions with him not you him, and his mother. Go get your daughter ears pierced! If you ask a doctor they would tell you it's best to do it early, the younger the better, because the ears will heal quicker. Unless your mother-in law is giving advice that will help you and your family medically, don't take it, because in all other sistuations, it's just a way of her having some control over her son, who is now and MAN with a family, and should not be controled by anybody, but you! Sorry to hear that she streesed you out so bad that you miscarried, that right there should be a wake up call for your husband! You guys lost a child, a life because of his nagging, controling mother! Tell her go live her life and butt out of your unless asked!

Melissa - posted on 04/02/2010

I feel your pain. I've had serious issues with my mother-in-law. I could try to explain every issue I've had but that would take forever to read. Let's just say enough was enough when she physically harmed my son and did not take responsibility for it. She controlled my husband, tried to manipulate him, and then tried to put all the blame on me for every wrong thing she did. Eventually, we had to tell her that if she will not be a beneficial part of our life and our son's life then we'd have to cut ties with her. She was doing more harm then good. Even when my husband grew a back bone and stood up against her it didn't work. He never knew his dad and she was all he had. But in his words: "You're [My son and me] my family now." So, your husband needs to realize that you and your children are his family now. You should tell him how you feel but also tell your mother-in-law how you feel. Set boundaries and determine, with your husband, when enough is enough. That's the only thing that has helped me with my mother-in-law and eventually she caved in when she didn't see my son for five months of his first year. However, she's back at her old ways now so... it's back at my old ways. c:
I hope this helps. It's unfortunate that some people have nothing better to do with their time then to belittle other people.

Susan - posted on 04/02/2010

Dear Cassie,
Have you ever heard the saying, "It is easier to ask forgivness than permission." I think this adage applies in this situation. You're the mom. Don't you have a say in what happens to your daughter? If you want her ears pierced; go out and get um pierced. Neither your husband nor your mother-in-law can say anything after the fact. They'll get over it.

Beatrice - posted on 04/02/2010

I know exactly how you feel!! My husband has been very blind to alot of his mother's opionions & digs to me. I had to tell him I married you and we are "our family" now! I also put my foot down and thickened my skin when she makes her comments. I usually let her talk and then give her my take if she wants it or not. As for your child you gave birth to her and you must make the best decisions you can for her. I have to remind my mother in law that she is the Grandmother not the mother!! Her job was finished along time ago! I do value her opionions when I want them but it's on my terms!! Good Luck & so sorry for your loss!!

Heather - posted on 04/02/2010

The movie someone was thinking of.. I am guessing it's Monster-in-Law... lol.

Melisa - posted on 04/02/2010

I'm sorry about your MIL problems. I think Leanne is right. Tell your husband to tell her to back off. She most likely didn't like it when her parents or his fathers parents push their ideas at her when she was raising him. My husband had to finally tell his mother to back off and we were going raise our children the way we feel is best for us. She doesn't always hold back... but I would rather hear a few ideas rather then all of them.

Laura - posted on 04/02/2010

ugh! that's horrible! My first mother in law was the same type of person, but she was also a socialite from a well to do family... (not that THAT makes any difference) she was just one of those mean, nasty people and she hated my guts. You've got to get it thru your husband's head that she's interfering way to much. not an easy task. I got lucky b/c while my ex-husband was also on the spineless side as far as standing up to people, i had enough backbone to MAKE him , if not stand up to her all the time, at least ignore her. I know some people won't agree with me, but what i would do is go out immediately and take my daughter to get her ears pierced (you made her a promise, never a good idea to start a youngster out on knowing they can't trust their parent(s)' word). If my husband were to say anything about it after the fact, I'd simply tell him I was following thru on a promise we made to our daughter. you're mother in law already raised hers and she's only the grandmother, not either of the parents, what she decides FOR you means squat. And i know from experience, if u let her keep ruling your lives like she seems to be doing, it will ruin your marriage. Just tell him how you feel, and you understand that's his mother, but you're his wife now and that's supposed to mean more, he chose to live with you, not her. I wish you luck! nasty mom in laws are the pits and i sympathise with anyone that is stuck with one, but if you dont put your foot down soon, you'll regret it in the long run.

Carrie - posted on 04/02/2010

Hi Cassie:
Couple of things that seem to be the issue here. First, let me address the relationship between your husband and his mom. He still seems to look to her for guidance which tells me two things: he respects her wisdom, and he is not feeling confident enough as a man to make his own decisions. It is something that you can help him with by affirming him daily every time you see him making decisions or applauding his efforts (in a genuine sincere way) when he does manly things around the house. Or goes to work, thank him for that too. It's amazing how powerful this is. These are only a few examples of simple ways of building your man's confidence. It will have an impact on his decision making. He will be less inclined to look to his mother and share the process more with you. Most men do look to their moms (if they have a strong bond) for approval and that's okay as long as it's not crippling him as the head of your household.
You sound like you have some resentment towards your mother in law. She has an abrasive way of speaking to you but that doesn't mean you have to respond on her level. Look at these moments as opportunities for you to come up higher and to demonstrate class and poise. This will change the dynamics over time, not instantly. You need to see yourself as a woman who understands the ways of her man and not as a complaining young wife in competition with his mother. Oh my gosh this is not easy of course but over time.....you will feel the grace of the transformation taking place inside of you and your home.
With regards to the idea in general of a four year old telling her parents what SHE wants? Seriously? When she's like 16, 18, it will be appropriate for you to listen to her desires. At this age in her life you provide the rules and guidance, not the other way around. Had you simply made your own decision that you wanted your daughter's ears pierced when she was a baby, that's one thing. But basing a decision of piercing on the request of a 4 year old, that's another.
I wish you the very very best with your marriage, your life, and yes, the relationship with your mother in law. This is a life time relationship, so make it a good one otherwise there will be a struggle within your marriage that will cause it to divide on many levels.

Dana - posted on 04/02/2010

only you and your husbands together are responsible for your children, anybody else can advise but not authorize, regarding ear pierce it is much better whn the child is small, ny daughter had her ears pierced whn she was 40 days, she didnt feel the pain, some ppl say u can do it the 1st day!!!

Amber - posted on 04/02/2010

I have to agree with leslie!

Amanda - posted on 04/02/2010

So sorry to hear ur loss girl. I would just let her know how it is cuz honesty is the best policy. she has to know what she is doing wrong in order to change or fix it.

Leslie - posted on 04/02/2010

I feel like I'm reading my own story, however mine ended. I had the same problems with my MIL starting from the very beginning, though it was for cutting down my husband and him never standing up to her. Needless to say, after severe post-partum depression there was a confrontation that ended in my husband standing up for his mother as usual. After dealing with this for 7 years I finally packed my things and moved home with my son reminding my husband he built his family and needed to put that family first. I have now been divorced for a year and a half and blame 75% of it on my MIL.

Point of story, your husband married you and chose to start a family with you. Mama doesn't always know best when it concerns your family. I firmly disbelieve it is NOT the daughter-in-law's job to stand up to the MIL it is the son's. However, due to experience, I also firmly believe that if it goes on long enough it will only in mass destruction. Sit your husband down and explain to him that there must have been a reason he built his family with you and in doing so should respect your decisions/opinions. He needs to understand that he didn't marry his mama and his wife can make his life a lot more like hell than his mama that he doesn't live with. Good luck.

Kathy - posted on 04/02/2010

The movie was "Monster-in-Law". I completely agree with Marina. You can't blame a miscarriage on your mother in law. CarolAnn hit a homerun with her response. The most important thing you can do is to make sure your MIL understands that you and your husband respect her opinions and hope that she will show the same respect for yours. Find something that you can compliment her about, and ask for her advice on matters that aren't so touchy. You have to let her know that she is valued. She needs to know that even if you don't do what she wants you to do, you have taken her thoughts into consideration.

Amber - posted on 04/02/2010

Tell your husband that you and him need to make the descisions in YOUR relationship. The mother in law needs to mind her own business! Both mine and my fiance's mothers were so "involved" in our relationship that we almost didn't make it! We both got into huge fights with our parents, but they don't butt in any more. He needs to realize that when you two got married it was a circle that joined the two of you together, not the three of you! Not to mention you and your husband both told your daughter to clean up and she'd get her ears pierced, do you want her to think that hard work doesn't pay off? I would go do it any way, and if he gets upset tell him you will always keep your word with your children! I am soo sorry to hear what you are going through, I have been there! I think you and your husband really need to sit down and discuss his mothers role in your relationship! I wish you luck, and try not to let her stress you out!

Paula - posted on 04/02/2010

Im sorry that your mother in law is not very easy going, but she is part of the family. She should be able to voice her opinion and concerns. However, boundry's are clearly lacking. Your husband needs to set limits. The mother in law should not be able to cause you undue stress, and it really up to you and your husband how many and when you have more children. Pick your battles. Perhaps mother feels like she is unimportant to you. Perhaps wait on the ear piercing thing. But If your husband fails to put his foot down, your need to start some sort of communication process if you want to coexist.

Anna - posted on 04/02/2010

Honey, it is Biblical that he no longer should put his mother's advice against yours. You are Queen of your castle.



"For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh, ....." (Genesis 2:24-)



1. "Leave" and "cleave" stresses the necessity of radical change in one's pre-eminent loyalty - a husband is to transfer to his wife the primary familial loyalty.



2. The responsibility is on the husband in the first place to give pre-eminence to his wife because a wife's sense of security comes from being bonded to her husband.

Kat - posted on 04/02/2010

I can only tell you my experience. My second husband's mother is godzilla. Not only is my ex-husband now a mama's boy but he also has a compulsive gambling addiction in which his mother uses to control his every move. (she pays his gambling debts) If your husband doesn't realize what his mother is doing to your marriage, eventually you're going to divorce. I couldn't take anymore after 6 1/2 years of marriage. Now, my 2nd ex-husband calls me every other day apologizing for not protecting our family (we have 2 children together) and wish he was more stronger to withstand his mother.

Jenny - posted on 04/02/2010

I am sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation with my mother-in-law. I have been married for 6 yrs now and things have changed for the better, thank god. How it changed was when I sat down with my husband and explained how she was making me feel and gave him the ultimatum, it's me or her. Over time he finally realized how overbearing his mother was and the stress she was causing me/him and how she was ruining our marriage. Finally he started defending me. He would explain to her that he was married to me not her and that she is entitled to her opinion but that she had her own life that she needed to focus on that. It was at the point that I felt she was jealous of our relationship and had felt I had taken something away from her. She finally discovered she had a larger family and wanted to keep it that way and became civil. It did help that her daughter-in-law had a back bone she was able to back off. At times she stills says things to my husband of course when i am not around and he will explain it's not interested in hearing what she has to say as I am his wife and it's his family (he had to grown some). You need to remind your husband that he agreed to a committment of "for better or worse" and he is responsible to be apart of your families team and should not on the offensive. believe me it was not as easy. I held my ground and asked him if he preferred to live with his mother he was entitled to do so. ( i started holding back any intimacy with him as this is all men think about and held that against him) and it finally worked. As she still says things and it's my husband's choice to listen to it not mine. He no longer shares it and I just ignore her. I wish you all the best and get your daughter's ears done.

Jennifer - posted on 04/02/2010

I would explain to your husband exactly how you feel, and ask him if he wants to approach her first, together, or just by yourself. Let him know that regardless this issue must be addressed. You can firmly and politely explain that she has enough in her own life to deal with, and if she ever needs your advice to feel free to ask you, just as if you ever want her advice you will ask her for it. Explain you do not want the relatinship to become even more strained or bitter, but you have to base your decisions on what is best for you and your family, and if her behavior persists you will have little choice but to limit her family contact. then, follow through with it. it may be hard, and explain to your husband you aren't intentionally putting him in a situation where he has to choose, her behavior has done that. She raised her child/children, she needs to stepp off and let you raise yours. Make all your family decisions based on your morals and values, and if she approves/disapproves should not be a factor. My mother in law is lime a small child, it's all about her, so my situation is slightly different (plus, my husband loves his mother, but he can't stand her, so I am constantly running interference). I'm sorry for the miscarriage, if you and your husband decide to keep tryig good luck. Hope this helped.

Kim - posted on 04/02/2010

I have had similar problems with my mother in law. When my boys were small, it seemed that I couldn't do anything right. Now that my boys are older (my oldest is 12), I have learned to listen to what she says and then take whatever good advice there is out of it. I don't have to agree with everything she says but I respect her as my husband's mother. By doing that, she began to respect me. As for your husband, he needs to back you up. He needs to be reminded that you're his wife and this is his family.If you have a father in law, maybe he can be useful in reminding his wife that they raised their son to be a good man and now she needs to back off and let him be that man.

Barbara - posted on 04/02/2010

CUT ALL TIESSSSSSSSSSSS