Mother-in-law

Rachelle - posted on 04/02/2010

Cassie,
I have had run-ins w/ my mother-in-law b/f, and my husband [after nagging about it, and not going w/ him and our daughter to see her] finally asked his Mom to stop being so nosiey, if Shelby gets hurt, or just b/c she is disabled, and has Sensory Ingration [ she has Turners Syndrome, and is 7, but the size of a 4 y/o, and her cases of Turners Syndrome, her Pediatrican said "is a very complicated case" b/c she has alot other things wrong w/ her besides Turners Syndrome...I know of 5 other dibilitating issues, for example she is ony about 43 inches tall, but is not skinny, just a normal looking 4 y/o, and my Mother in Law started out by, telling me How I need to raise her right, and put her in a full days of public school, but she doesn't actually see her but around once every 4 months, and it has been since Last New Years 2008-2009 that I went up there, and thats b/c she looks at Shelby the entire time, and has went to the extreme of [Shelby told me this]while she was assisting her w/ whipping her behind [Shelby has a larger upper torso, but the arms of a 4 y/o, so she physically cannot reach behind, so it was normal for the Mother-in-law [MIL] to help Shelby cleaning herself after a bowel movement, Shelby said "MeeMaw helped me when I went to number 2, and she looked under my clothes because she said she thought she saw a spider, then she tells my husband things like" Shelby should be in school[we have done tryed that 2 yrs ago when she qualified for PPCD [ public class for kids with disabilities, or behind, here its pretty bad, and so Shelby is still on Homebound threw the School district, and will be until her teacher now, and we think she is ready, she was on Early Childhood Intervention...The PPCD was not a success due to her Sensory Ingration [ that is where a place like the gym w/ kids in it playing she would squat and hold her ears, certain pitches of loud noise literally hurts her ears] plus she said "It was sad because all thew other kids were not minding the teacher, the 2nd day , the teacher called me and said "Shelby has thrown-up 3 times, and we thought you might want to come get her" that did it! When I did go inside her class, there was a total of 7 kids[which I knew that], but when I entered that class, I literally felt the sadness too. There was 3 in a wheelchair, so sedated, they were drolling so bad it almost started to drip on the floor, 3 of the other, they were ALL boys, and she wanted there to be a girl there so she could finally 'play with a girl, not saying or meaning Anything against boys at all, I have a 17 y/o one, and love him too death, but like I mentioned, when I went to pick her up, after the teacher was trying to CoverHerA--, I felt the saddness, and those kids were either crying for their Mommys, or throwing fits, ect.
I apologize about getting off the subject, but I neded to Vent too.
If I was you, I would tell my husband that if HE did not stop all the crap, you will, because You & HIM are together as 1, or is his Mother still raising him, because it is something for you & him to decide together, just you 2, the parents, not the Mother-In Law....
I know how hard it can be to have to tell ur husband that his Mother has crossed a line that only should be you & his decision, not hers.
I have been there, and I know that until he says something, it gets worse...
Good Luck, and I too am very sorry about the miscarriage.
God Bless you,
Chelle from Texas

Lyn - posted on 04/01/2010

At the end of the day she is your daughter and your mother-in-law has absolutely no say in what you may or may not do with her. Put your foot down with your husband and just go and do it anyway. Your husband has already agreed that it can be done. Stop listening to this woman. Your husband is married to you not her!!

Lyndsay - posted on 04/01/2010

What I think is that you need to have a little chat with your husband. Tell him he needs to cut the umbilical cord and man up to his mother -- when he got married he released the apron strings and now he should have a responsibility to you as his wife. Personally I would just get my daughter's ears pierced anyway, since you already made the deal with her and it's not really fair to her if you don't fulfill your end of the bargain. Not to mention that she is YOUR daughter, not the mother-in-law's.

Amy - posted on 04/01/2010

I kind of had this same problem. Once I had enough, I sat my MIL down one day and told her this was my house, my children and my family. I told her I was an adult and while I appreciated her input on things, I would be the one to make the ultimate final decision on things. There is nothing wrong with standing your ground (especially when it comes to YOUR child/children) but do it with tact and class. Don't stoop to her level and be tacky. If your husband won't stick up for you (same thing that happened in my case) then you need to stick up for yourself. Keep an open mind to her point of view but if you want to do something, then do it. You need to stand your ground with your husband too. He has to appreciate your perspective on things and not just his mom's. But in the long and short of it, your life - your choices. Plain and simple. Good luck! :)

Rachael - posted on 04/01/2010

I think that, while your mother in law needs to learn to mind her own business, it really is your husband you should have the problem with if he is constantly changing his mind based on his mother's advice. There is nothing wrong with listening to her advioce and even considering it, but this is your daughter and the decisions about how she is raised are yours, not youm, your husband's, and your mother in laws. You need to talk to him about standing up for himself and making his own decisions

Julia - posted on 04/01/2010

omg i feel for u yes u got to stop her now it will never stop trust me iknow, set rules that is ur house, ur child, your parenting skills, i got my child ears piearced at like 18 mths it doesnt hurt she is being protective of her grandchild witch is ok but to much is where u say hay stop, i am the parent and u are the grandparent my rulling is final

Cassie - posted on 04/01/2010

you all are very helpful thank you. i know it wasnt her fault i miscarried but she didnt help the situation.

Shannon - posted on 04/01/2010

With the ear piercing, you both promised your daughter she could have them done if she kept her room clean, she kept her side of the bargain you should not go back on your promise. Ask your husband who he would rather upset his little independant girl or his mother.

Amanda - posted on 04/01/2010

I have sort of the exact opposit problem, sort of, my mil is never around [not that I really want her around alot since we dont get along] the latest problem was when she choose to have a card party with her sisters instead of coming to our sons first birthday party. That was not the first thing for her to do, but it was the last straw. Luckily my husband is very supportive and we decided together that we would not be just dropping everything and going to her house whenever she decides to have a cook out or whatever. I cant tell you the last time she was at my house, it has litterally been years, if it wernt for us going there she would never see our three kids.

I feel your pain, if you could get your husband to be a little more resectful of what you are feeling you could try just not being around her as much, it is working for us :) lol

Carolann - posted on 04/01/2010

Talk to hubby first and explain how you feel and that you need the marriage and marital/family decisions to be just between the 2 of you and that you want to reach a place that once the 2 of you sit down to discuss something, a decision is made and that is it, no matter what anyone else says. If you have that firmly in place, then there is no room for backing down after his mum puts her 2c worth in. I would also go and fulfill your end of the bargain with your daughter. If M-I-L steps in and makes any comments directly to you, I think you just need to stand your ground, be firm and polite and just say something like: "I'm sure you are just trying to help, but this is our family and we make the decisions for it". Or "Please don't be offended by I'd really appreciate if you could take a step back and allow our family time and room to make it's own decisions without additional input' - I'm sure you'll work out the right wording for your situation/MIL. Sometimes you just really need to be direct with people to get the message across. From experience, it's not easy, but so worth it in the long run. Good luck.

Rosa Lee - posted on 04/01/2010

First of all Cassie, you did not marry your mother-in-law. Your husband should be more supportive of you, and inform you mother in law that she has no say-so in the decisions in your household! That's the first thing. The second thing is you need to have your husband confront her with this issue, and let her know that the child is going to have her ears pierced, period! Take a stand husband. Don't allow your mother to make you a Momma's boy. You and only you should be the one that he comes to, and you go to, to make joint decisions. If your husband is fine with that, then nothing, or nobody else matters.

By the way, it doesn't sound like your mother in law likes you too much! You don't have to cut ties, you just need to stand your ground with your husband on the same page!

Hope this works. There is a movie out that is EXACTLY like this, and I cannot remember the name of it. That wife learned real quick about standing her ground. If I remember it, I will come back to the post and give you the name of this movie. Let your mother in law watch it. Later........Good Luck to you and yours!...........

Leanne - posted on 04/01/2010

well here it is and I am not going to sugar coat it ok?? tell your husband to grow up and grow a back bone and defend his wife. Maybe he needs to tell his mother way less about your personal life as well. As for ear piercing, I had my daughter's ears done when she was 4 months old and she never pulled them out. If your husband agreed at first then I would go and get them done if your daughter held up her end of the bargain, as other wise that will make you look the bad guy for not holding up your end. Dont be rude but you will need to stand your ground with her one day and the sooner you get it over and done with the better. I bet she will respect you for it, maybe not right away but one day. :) My mother in law and I had a blow up years ago and my husband sided with me as I am his wife he just looked at his mom and said I need to side with Leanne she is my wife. so yeah I owuld talk to your hubby :) best of luck, and I am very sorry to hear about your loss (miscarriage) but tell your husband to not tell her so much baout your personal life, it is NONE of her business :)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/01/2010

Frist of all, I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, but I hope you are just venting and not blaming another person for losing a baby, that would be terrible. Unfortunatley women have miscarriages everyday that are sompletely unavoidable. If she caused so much stress for you to miscarry, you have alot more issues than can be help on COM. I am not belittling your feelings, that is just an extremely harsh thing to say. I have a difficult mother in law myself, and a husband who does not like confrontation....and me who does not mind it at all. I have had to tell my mother in law to back off quite a bit, and let her know what is and what isn't her business. I do love and respect her, but think enough of our relationship to try to save it if she over steps her boundries. I even had to live with her for a year after we sold our house....not great for our relationship what-so-ever! (with my 2 yr old son and hubby) Anyhow, what I am trying to say is, talk to her. It does not have to be confrontational...just "civilized" lol...and have you let your husband know about how you feel? Men are generally pretty big sissies when it comes to there mothers. As far as decisions with your daughter, who the hell cares what she says? You are her mother and screw her for being difficult. Do what you know is best and politely say "thank you for your opinion, but we have already made a decision". Nuff said...good luck.

Natalie - posted on 04/01/2010

I am SO sorry to read about this. I don't have a mother in law (she died when my husband was 15), so I've never had to deal with in-laws. I feel like you and your husband are the parents and should raise your child(ren) as you see fit. I'm struggling with secondary infertility, so I can't imagine you felt when you miscarried because of the stress of that relationship. good luck...