Mother in Law Issues - help!

Alexandra - posted on 01/27/2011

I would think about what really matters! Disrespect is a no-no, on purpose leaving out the other part of the family is a no-no. But if she does not want to say bye to you, that's her problem. I believe it is important for the children to have a grandma, if there is no abuse. Many times we have to swallow things and forget about it. My MIL does not call our children by the names we chose, she made up her own names! I hate it, but it is more important for my children to have a grandma than not.
Regarding your husband, you guys need to talk. Keep talking until he understands. So what if the family does not like you? Certainly somebody would understand your point of view! Those are the people that matter, you, your children, and your husband are the ones who decide what to do. Period.
I hope you can get over this. Good luck.

Alison - posted on 01/27/2011

You must not think there is something wrong with you ok. I have been in your shoes too. What I did is stand up to her and take the power away from her, all she is is a spoilt brat. Be brave and dont fuel her fire, and dont stand for her manipulations and try not to let her get at you because this is exactly what she wants to achieve. Be calm and strong and do it now b/c it wont go awayuntil you do. As you can see you husband cant stand up to her, dont also let her rule your life.

Carol - posted on 01/27/2011

I am a mother and a mother in law, at first my mother in law and I did not get along, and there are still times when she thinks my son is hers, but I let it go in one ear and out the other. Yes your husband should stand behind or beside you, but that is probably not going to happen, a boy and his mother well lets just say she will most always come first with him, after all she was his first love. Now as a mother in law, I try to stay out of their business unless they ask for my opinion, then I try to weigh both sides before giving my opinion.
Yes when you have a get together you should invite both parents unless you plan on having two parties, and lets face it this day and time, it is to costly to duplicate parties.
I didn't have a choice, I had to use a day care, my mother in law worked and so did my mother, not that I wanted either of them to take care of my children for me, I had them and it was my place to find a place for them to go, even if we went out for the night I hired a baby sitter, that way they don't have a say in what you do or where you go. Pick your battles, lets face it none of us get along with our families all of the time. Set an example show that you are the most understanding person.

Sallyann - posted on 01/27/2011

Hi, I read your story and most of the replies. I can relate to a lot of what you are and have been going through. I to am non jewish with a jewish husband. I too have mil problems since our girl was born 6 years ago. At first like you I got mad, frustrated and vented my anger at my husband, who I thought didn't understand or cared about me. I thought he always took his mum's side, but the truth was he didn't see the issues that were there between his mum and I. Even after I told him he still didn't see it. Our problems with my mil were the same as you, she to wanted to organize everything jewish and other family events ie birthdays , and have a say in how our girl was raised. Xmas and any family event on my side she expected to be invited, which wasn't the case, and of course she would be upset by this. My advice to you is to sort out your problems with your husband first. If you need a third party to help work through the issues then by all means use it, we did and it helped 100 %. I hope you and your husband also have the same success. It was a long proccess and I to except some of the problem was me as much as my husband and his mum. Another issue is the religon you and your husband do need to talk about how to raise your child . You both need to decide which religon or both or none. Whatever you decide you both must agree too and stick firm to, for lots of people will have their say not just your mil. Arm yourself with knowledge about the jewish religion. The idots guide to judaism is great, I read it and still refer to it. It helped me a great deal to Know about the religion and it customs, so my mil can't con me into hosting things she shouldn't. My husband had little knowledge of what was needed to be organize for our daugthers blessing because women organize these things, thankfully the rabbi at the shule my il's belong to helped me when I ask and armed me with tools to organize the event my way. My husband was proud I could organise the event and my mil was happy it went well,but unhappy she hadn't organised it. Now we are at religon school age my mil has stayed out of it because I been able to organise and host many jewish holidays . She still isn't happy by this , but she has to put up with this . My husband after speaking to a third party realised he need to step up and demand some respect for me from his mum it wasn't easy, but she bites her tounge far more than she speaks rudely or badly to me. I too have learn't to be more understanding of her and pick my battles with her. Our realtionship will never be perfect but it is workable and my girl loves my mil and seeing them once a week. I hope this helps you. sorry about any poor spelling.

Sharon - posted on 01/27/2011

People like your MIL need to be dealt with by setting strong, clear boundaries. Look up Marsha Linehan's dialectical behavioral therapy. She will drive you bananas as I can see she is doing and that is letting her "get your goat" She knows how to bait you and drag you in.
I think day care for your son is a good boundary, you are the parent, she is not. He will learn social skills, how to be flexible, meet developmental milestones faster!
Your husband is married to you not his mother, that is another good healthy boundary! Good luck and yes counseling will be a good idea! Best wishes!

Lika - posted on 01/27/2011

First off, have a friendly convo w/ your hubby about the fact that he is married to you, not his mother. He needs to have his big boy pants on, because if he is a faithful Jewish guy, he will understand that a man leaves his parents and cleaves to his wife. Just be nice about it. He does need to grow a back bone, and needs to stop being a mama's boy. Yes, I realize that she is his mom, and there needs to be a better balance.

Your MIL needs to respect her son's marriage to you, and so by respecting you, she's respecting him. Thing is, MIL's can be a force to contend with, and have been the cause of divorce in many instances. Go with the daycare, and if MIL protests, just tell her you aren't arguing with her. When she knows she can't get under your skin, she eventually has to stop if she wants you to bring her grandbaby to her.

p.s. - one of the reason why my ex is my ex, is the fact that he always put his side of the family first, over me, and MY side of the family was constantly covering and/or accommodating for that. There HAS to be a balance, or there is no marriage.

Leah - posted on 01/27/2011

Your husband should support you, period. The Bible says a husband is to leave his parents and become 1 with his wife. You and his son are his family and top priority now.

Sarah - posted on 01/27/2011

I have had countless problems with my MIL. I can relate on so many levels! The only difference is my husband eventually saw what his mom was like and backs me up on EVERYTHING. Hopefully he will realize that the Lord says to leave your mother and father and cleave to your wife. Husband and Wife comes first, you are your own family now. I agree with the person who said if he won't go to counseling with you to go alone. Maybe if he see's you are trying he will too. I ended up making a rule that if I wasn't there our daughter would not be either so the daycare thing is a good idea. Just blame it on trying to give him interaction with other kids. Don't leave your husband, that is probably what she is going for and don't give her the satisfaction! Good Luck!

Lisa - posted on 01/27/2011

Wow! Maybe you should ask your husband if he needs his mommy more than his wife and son. Sounds like he needs to cut the apron strings.
I had the same sort of issues with my MIL and I gave my husband the opportunity to set her straight because he would be more sensitive to her feelings than me. He left it to me and we had it out. I told her that I did not appreciate her nasty attitude or that she treated my son differently than the rest of her grandchildren (including my husbands daughter), or that she interferred while I was disciplining his daughter. She would also disagree with what I was doing, as a parent, in front of the children. Once she even went so far as to tell my husband's daughter that she didn't have to listen to me...even though she lives with me and I support her (along with DH).
She didn't talk to me for a while, then it was a little awkward, now everything is great. She respects my boundaries as the kids' mother and we are all happier for it.
If you don't set some clear boundaries soon she will think she can walk all over you. Let your DH know what you plan to do so he isn't blindsided by his mom when she gets her feelings hurt...and GET A NEW SITTER!

Mahwish - posted on 01/27/2011

hey!
all of the above suggestions are so very valuable but i knw when a point comes in life when you cannot stand even listening ur MIL word from your husband and its all due to past yrs tolerance you'v been patiently doing towards ur in-laws. My only one opinion which i have myself followed is i have migrated to another land ....new house, new grounds, new surroundings, your kids n your own upbringing ideas, no connections n irreleavant interactions of MIL in your life. Plus in dis was you dont have to ask your hubby to restrain his mother in your life hehehe and you will be having peaceful happy married life :)
cheers !!

Edythe - posted on 01/27/2011

It makes me sad to read the troubles you have with your MIL, I think everyone has a few but your case certainly is extreme. It sounds to me like your husband is not taking it seriously, or maybe he is afraid of her because he has had to deal with her control issues his whole life and it is just easier for him to cower down than to buck up to her and defend you and take you seriously. I wouldn't get too mad at him, you know from experience the kind of person his mom is and how that must affect him. Just kindly tell him you would appreciate if he took you seriously. I will say this, if he is not willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and hear you out, that is only going to compound the problem. Men aren't the type to sit down and hash out problems and find a solution, most don't have the attention span or ability to process the emotions in a productive way. So don't overwhelm him or he will quickly shut down and block you out (been there, done that, doesn't help.)

If he is not willing to understand, believe, or deal with the problem--it is something you'll unfortunately have to try to work out with her on your own. :-/

I suggest writing her a letter. Be very blunt about her ability to control the situation with negative responses, how this hurts you and your family, and ways she can help without "running the show." Point out to her that she and her husband have already raised their family, and now it is your turn to "be the boss." She is overstepping her boundaries, you are a new family unit and she just doesn't want to admit her mommy days are over. Be very clear that you want her help on your terms, but she is still free to be there for her grandchildren as a GRANDPARENT instead of a tyrant. Hope this helps! :-)

LAURA - posted on 01/27/2011

I am so glad my MIL is great. We are like best friends. I love her to death.

Evalena - posted on 01/27/2011

Hang in there and stand up for yourself! I would always collaborate with my husband before doing anything that would involve either set of parents. Yes, counseling will help but I would recommend non-denomenational counseling so there would be no bias r/t Cahtolism or Judism. It most usually poses problems for people who get married who are from different denominations. That is why the Bible says we are to marry equally yoked mates. I would like to see you become active in faith and it would be so nice for your husband to convert to your faith or some other Christian faith. You two can work things out but you must respect each other and stand up for each other and your child. Don"t be afraid to stand up to your mother inlaw esp. if your husband doesn't do it for you. He must place you way above his mother.
Good luck and God Bless!

Stephanie - posted on 01/27/2011

Your husband needs to be on your side 100%.. and your MIL will eventually get used to it. Trust me.. my MIL broke up my marriage!

Nancy - posted on 01/27/2011

Wow . . . I am 58 y.o. and have had a terrible MIL and I am an MIL to my son't wife. Mu personal opinopn based on my experience: Your MIL's behavior is atrocious ! Your son is YOUR son, not her's. YOU get to raise this child. . . she had her chance. If she gets mad. . . let her. And don't worry about it. If she really wants a relationship with her grandchild she will first build a good realtionship with you. Know that you are not wrong and you are NOT being unreasonable. Your MIL sounds like a woman who has always had her way. (
What is her relationship like with her husband? Does he bow down to her every whim?) This may be a Jewish Culture thing. (I am Christian). You might want ot speak with a Jewish friend and see what she thinks. Maybe even a Rabbi. Your husband has issues too. And this too may be a Jewish thing. He has not completely separated the (controlling) ties with his mother. Some families are so close that it is hard for the adult children to separate and create their own live with out their parents involvement. I mean of courese you want the grandparents involved with your family, but you don't want them to take over. My opinion is that it is more important for you and your husband to create YOUR family (culture, traditions, etc.) regardless of your parents. What do the TWO of YOU want.? Counseling: ?? I have been to many. Good help depends on the counselor. Find one that is older and has a lot of LIFE experience personally. In support of your MIL. I have 2 daighters and one son. My reactions to my daughters having children -- the closeness is different that when my son had children. Mother's of sons must learn to back off and realize the closeness with (your daughter's) grandchildern will be different than the closeness with (your son's) grandchildren. For me it is a little more distance. I can accept this and I have a great relationship with my daughter in law. At first it really hurt because her Mom was always with the babies -- not near as much as I was. But then I remember when my daughter had children, I was with the babies much more than her MIL. Good Luck with this darlin'. How you handle this will dictate your relationship with your MIL as long as she is alive. Just remember you are trying to be fair and reasonable and don't back down. Hope this helps. Nancy

Sheila - posted on 01/27/2011

You are headed for a blow out. It seems you are both building anger towards each other and it will not end good. My suggestion is to be firm, know who you are when you are around her and remember that she is family and the only family you will ever have. So respect her and understand she is adjusting to changes (more than you realize) and if she knew how to relate with you better, she would.

April - posted on 01/27/2011

I can understand what you are going through. I have been married to my husband for a little over 11 years and we dated for 2 years before that. His parents have not like me from day one. I have done everything that I can think of to make them happy and like me even a little. I have come to the realization that I will never be good enough for their baby. This past year my fil got lung cancer and passed away on Thanksgiving and everything quickly went downhill from there. Christmas was terrible. We have the same routine every year since we started dating and this year it was suddenly not good enough for his mom. They changed the time of dinner at his cousin's house and it shortened the time with the grandkids and his mom. It was of course, my fault and when we went to my Aunt's house for dinner my dh left me and the baby there and he took our oldest child to his cousin's. We have since sat down and discussed the situation and he agreed that he was wrong but we will never get our baby's first Christmas back. I wish I had some advice that would help you in this situation but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. Pretty much everyone has problems with their ils at one point or another or all the time. I can never do anything right in raising my children and I'm sure I never will. It is something that I am trying to deal with and I keep my contact with her at a minimum. I hope things turn around for you. You are still a "young" couple and can work this out between yourself and husband. Never give up!!

Gina - posted on 01/27/2011

Face it your MIL is a selfish Bitch. Put your foot down with your husband and tell him either she starts to treat you with respect and abide by your wishes when it comes to your son & household or she is to be cut from your life and your son's life until she starts to show you the respect you deserve. If he refuses then tell him it's either you or her because he should be on your side already as your husband. If he is always taking her side then he doesn't have any respect for you. He is married to you and your physical & mental health come first, as well as your son's.

Grandma - posted on 01/27/2011

Hi Chloe, Having had horrible experiences with MILs, my wisest advice to you is to seek couple councelling! It helps you to feel proactive instead of reactive, it gives you the opportunity of being able to discuss it with your husband, and if the professional you go to is on the ball, they'll be able to give you (and your husband) strategies to work with and use. Men tend to respect what professionals have to say, so I truly believe you have a better chance of getting your message across to him! Good luck!

Gwen - posted on 01/27/2011

Your first big problem is your husband. First he must remember that when you got married he left his mom and dad and you bacame is family. If you can't get your husband to support you rather than his mother, then you are in a hopeless situation.

It sounds like your MIL doesn't have any repect for you or your rules when it come to your son. You must remember that you are the MOTHER not her. He is your son not hers and your rules should apply. If she can't abide by your rules then stop the visit. If she is talking about you, with the baby present, by all means stop the visits. This will continue as your son grows and he will learn to do the same thing about others.

I understand that you can't control everything when it comes to rearing your child, but when it comes to family that is one thing you can control. Sit down with your husband and talk to him about the situation. Be honest and tell exactly how his mother is making you feel. Hopefully he will wake up and want his marriage to work rather than pleasing his mother.

Good luck.

DORIANNE - posted on 01/27/2011

I've been through basicly the same thing with my MIL and husband... so much so that we had to get councelling.. I have actually lied to get him there! His dad tried to commit suicide (his got manic depression and his pills stopped working), and that was my motivation.
The person that helped us were asking me questions and then my husband and so forth - and he came to my rescue! He actually realised that I was frustrated even before I have mentioned it, because I was so scared - my husband NEVER believed me when I told him about anything his mom did to me (or my child). And he (the counceller) told my husband that HE (my hubby) needs to step up and take charge! It is his mother that is the problem. And only when he talked to his mom - did she stopped, and our relationship just got better. Nowadays when she tackles me or do something delibrateley to angry me - I just ignores it or make a joke... the thing is - she is trying to get reaction and when you just ignores it, she doesn't get the attention she wanted. Eventually she would just stop!...
I really hope things work out - but I do believe in councelling, they usually see things before anyone else - and knows exactly how to put it in words to make things better.

Ilsa - posted on 01/27/2011

1. When you invited your parents for dinner, it was clear you wanted that side of your family and, both, your husband and MIL needed to respect that. She cannot be in every aspect of your life, especially when it comes to your side, except during times events you so desire.
2. The dinner she had with the Jewish people and for your you, you needed to appreciate it, instead of despise it. We should be thankful when our husband's family show appreciation to our children. It's not about us, it's about our children and their grandkids.
3. It's better for you to pay your own daycare because that way your child will have better chances to socialize with kids his age and for your mother in law to have more freedom. She finished raising her own children. Also, that will avoid more trouble between the two of you.
4. The post on the fridge it's plain wrong on her part, but since she is not declaring she means that, you can buy a nice magnet and give it to your husband and replace it in a nice way, saying that he prefer that one over the one she has. Tell him you might be wrong, but that you feel hurt by it.
5. Don't take away the rights to have a relationship with HIS grandma. What it his is his. You chose his gradma.
Finally, respect your husband and be careful because men don't like to be around mean women and by talking bad about the person who raised him and gave you a son, only shows you are ungrateful, not intelligent and mean at heart. Be careful if you want to spent the rest of your life with him and if you want your son to have a real family, not a disfinctional one. If you leave him as your have thought, who can guarantee you that you are going to get the perfect mother in law that is not going to be the gradma of your child and is not going to love him as your MIL loves him?
You should celebrate together that you have two people who the two of you love dearly.

Laurie - posted on 01/27/2011

Chloe,I myself have had two mother-in-laws,and am now a mother-in-law to two lovely women who have given me two sweet grandbabies.So I will try my best to give you some good advice.On the magnet story:You're not as laid back as you may think.Every time you went to her house you looked at it and it rankled.After awhile,You developed tunnel vision and saw only that magnet and everthing you thought it represented.Joining a new family,you probably felt a little insecure and seeing that magnet seemed to validate your feelings of insecurity.I just looked at my fridge to see what magnets I had and there was an Evil Eye holding some papers up.The reason I chose that was because it was a stronger magnet.Perhaps if the picture bothered you two years ago you could have bought her a frame to put the picture in.What I see as the big issue here is the difference in religion.You admit you are not very religious and haven't practiced your faith since you were 16,where on the other hand your mother-in-law does practice hers.You agreed to let her have a Bris and that was a sweet guesture,but maybe you should have studied a little bit about the Jewish faith and ceremonies.If you read about the faith and customs and the symbolism you may understand your mother-in law better.Perhaps turning it all over to her to arrainge was interpreted as a you don't care attitude,where to her it was a sacred and very meaningful ritual.It was her home,and her effort that put the ceremony together so when you gave her last minute instructions,it may have hurt her feelings and made her feel misunderstood.You are very blessed to have a mother-in-law who loves and wants to be involved in your childs life.You both love the same people so quit putting them in the middle of this tug-of-war.Try to see from her eyes.I know you think I'm being hard on you,but we can't control how others think,feel or act except for ourselves.You said she had two Hanukkah dinners and that she invited your folks over to one of them.That was very generous of her.Do you entertain at all?There is a lot that goes into having people over just for a regular dinner...cooking,cleaning,shopping,decorating...Again,I suggest you go to the library or get on the net and make yourself familiar with the Jewish faith and all the customs and such.I believe that will help you undertand her better and then you won't see everything she does as an attack against you.The fact that you did not include her to this christmas...the baby's first christmas,even though she doesn't share a faith in Jesus or celebrate his birth,seems like a chance to slap her in the face and you took it.I keep my two grandkids.It saves the kids money,but more importantly,it gives me time with my babies.I had a great relationship with both my sets of grandparents and I want that kind of relationship with my g-kids.How was it with yours?I agree with you that there has to be some kind of scheduled visit.Ask her what her week looks like and find a day that works for both of you.I never just drop in on my kids,even though they do me,but I don't mind.I love my grandkids so very much and I feel withdrawls if I don't see them after a few days.Lucky for me,I get to keep them some during the week.Don't use threats and ultimatums on your husband.These attempts at manipulation are driving a wedge between you two and your baby will become a casualty of that war.How would you feel if one day when your child grows up a spouse could come between you two and demand they choose to love you or them?Tears and feeling ill are ways you are manipulating your husband and you are hurting your marriage.My first suggestion would be to stop the threats and tell your husband you are sorry for putting him in the middle.Then,read on the Jewish faith.Then invite your MIL over for dinner,and as you two are sitting on the floor playing with the baby,apologize.Often we assume people know what we're thinking or how we feel and guess what,they don't.Do NOT criticize,or make excuses or use the word BUT.Rather,be simple and genuine.I promise,she wants to work with you.I know you are used to doing things all by yourself,and that was fine when you were single.Now you and your husband are a team and you need to consider that he too has dreams and ideas on how this family moves forward.Together,you two have a beautiful new family and it would be wise to embrace everyone.Your family will be stronger and happier when you do.One day,your baby will apppreciate all the good memories you gave them because you reconciled with grandma.

Barbara - posted on 01/27/2011

Yes, you are being unfair. Crying to your husband puts him in the middle of the two most important women in his life. Vent to someone else. Stop looking for trouble. If your mother in law doesn't say hi to you go up to her and say hello yourself. Now that you are a Mom isn't it about time to take responsibility for your own behavior (after all, that's the only thing you can really control)?

Kerry - posted on 01/27/2011

If you are considering leaving your husband over this and have developed a nervous tick at the mention of her name, you need to do more than get random strangers advice. Please do yourself and you child a favor and find a good therapist. Counselling will most certainly help if you go into it willing to learn how you may unwittingly be contributing to the problem. If you are totally motivated to see change and look within too, then it will help. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." It is all about boundaries. Call a therapist, your marriage and child are worth it!!

Heidi - posted on 01/27/2011

Wow, I feel the same way about my MIL.... She is just not a maternal woman. She will never be the grandmother that I wish she would be 8(. To make matters worse my own mother lives on the other side of the world, and she has never seen my boys. I also worry about when my sons are older, I will be a MIL, and I will get on two DIL nerves 8(.

Steph - posted on 01/27/2011

I am having similar problems with my MIL lately... Well it has been going on since 6 1/2 yrs ago when I started going out with her son, and has only got worse since our marriage and birth of our son who is now 3.
In short, she is a control freak and I have her 2 most treasured possessions.
She is extremely aggressive and confronting, and I like avoid conflict at all costs, so usually let her walk all over me!
Like you, I get anxiety attacks whenever I hear her name, let alone when I see her car pull in the driveway! Even my husband has a panic attack! So luckily for me, I have his support...
I just want to recommend counselling, as I have been seeing a psychologist for the last few months and it has helped me with my anxieties as well as communication techniques I can use with her so that I can take control of my life without MIL getting all defensive and losing it!
I have also done relationship counselling with my husband in the past and it was GOLD!!!
It is totally worth it and I strongly recommend it!

Gayle - posted on 01/27/2011

I know how ya'll feel... My MIL and I were fighting before my daughter was even born. Hubby and i were engaged before we found out we were pregnant, with most of the plans made.... MIL thought since i got pregnant there was no need for us to get married because i had already "TRAPPED" her son.... Lady, we were engaged!!!! Then when i had made a comment that my daughter would not be allowed to have soda when she was older my MIL told me "She can in my house!" I told her no... She said my house my rules! I informed her that my daughter would not be going over there without me then! My dad knows that my MIL is a control freak, and i admit i get upset about little things, but my dad told me to pick my battles. (like most ppl are saying) I let thing slide and let things slide, until the issue of Ayla's first Christmas came up.... She told me that Santa comes to her house as well as everyone else's... I told her that Santa goes to her house for her daughter, (my SIL is 10) but that Santa doesn't drop presents off there for my daughter. She told me that is the way it is done and that i wasn't going to F with her traditions! I let her know that Ayla would not be there for Christmas then.... My hubby told me that i would be hurting my daughter and not just his mom if i didn't back down! I stood my ground and told her that i have waited 37 yrs to be Santa and that NO ONE was going to take that away.... She finally realized that i wasn't going to back down because she sent me a text a few days later saying Ayla's presents won't say Santa.... but to get back at me she told my hubby that we had to be at her house at 8 am and she lives an hr away so our first family Christmas was cut short to get to her house on time! My daughter didn't even get to open all her presents from us before we had to rush out the door to go to MIL's. Then his mom finds it funny that Ayla didn't get to open all her presents at home! When i posted pics on FB later on my SIL (older one) got pissed because i said that a particular gift was from her brother, when she was the one that actually gave it to my daughter because NO ONE wrote a single name on my daughter's presents. Can't send thank you's if i don't know who got her what!

As far as daycare, my MIL wanted to watch my daughter and I said no. I told hubby that i didn't like how she was raising her own daughter, plus the soda issue, so i just went out and found a babysitter and came home and told hubby this is where she is going when i go to work, end of story and he didn't really have anything to say about it. When i bitch about his mother, he says that is just the way she is and he doesn't stick up for me.... It does hurt. Hoping one day he'll grow up and stand up to his mommy!

Marlena - posted on 01/26/2011

Dear Chloe,
Our MIL's could be cousins. I so understand.
When your husband married you, he left his patents behind. He cleaved to you. In his vows, he may have said that he will love you and respect you. If he takes those seriously and you can be patient, then it will work out.
In the meantime, this is what I did. From the breaking point, I never went with his mother or sister without him. Eventually, they couldn't stand all the nicey-nice and broke in front of my husband. When he witnessed it for himself, things began to change. Also, the children were not allowed to be with them alone either. No more talking behind Mommy's back. We also limited visits to only 2-3 hours at a time 1 or 2 times a month. Since this relieved my stress about the situation I was able to stay civil when she couldn't.
Last, I loved her like she didn't know how. I pray for her blessings. I made her gifts and expressed my love with hugs and kindness.
Eventually, my husband saw the difference, moved us away, and stood up for us. We don't see them often. As this is healthier, we do not fuss about them not seeing the kids.
It is not easy nor comfortable to do what is right, but it will pay off. For some it will be like me. For others the shock is enough to turn things around. For others they can be tolerable.
My prayer for you is that it goes the way you ultimately want it. Oh, and never force your husband away from them. It will make him bitter against you.
And above all, Love.
Sincerely,
Marlena

Tami - posted on 01/26/2011

Chloe~
I have had mother in law issues for 17 years and you must take a stand now in the early part of your marriage or things will only fester and get bigger. I definitely have learned to pick my battles with my MIL- try not to react to the little things that hurt your feelings or bother you such as not saying hello or goodbye to you, that is just her behaving like a child. You need to sit her down and set the boundaries with her right now, do not wait until the next situation to arise. Anything that comes between you and your husband is an issue that needs to be dealt with. Your relationship with him and he with you should come first. Any other relationship comes second or third. If sitting down and talking to her does not work try going to coffee or in a public place or send her an e-mail this will allow you to really say how you feel. Try also using "I" messages instead of "you" messages. For example, "I don't like when you do this...." try saying "I feel unloved when you say this.... or do that". Does that make sense? Here is another example; "I really appreciate that you watch the baby while I'm at work, I love the fact that he/she is with a family member instead of at a daycare and I know I don't have to worry about him/her when they are with you. It does concern me that you may be speaking of me in a negative manner around my child and I will not accept that behavior". No threats just very clear communication.
Good luck, I hope you don't go through this for as long as I have been!
Tami

Lisa - posted on 01/26/2011

hi there i totally agree with christy wager mil are just not worth getting stressed over mine was the same after 4 children i still have to listen to comments that hurt but after my first i stopped letting it get to me too bad.what i'v learnt is let it in one year and out the next ,never tell your husband the insident in a complaining manner he will feel obliged to defend his mother ..if you must wait till you are cool and more importanly he is in a good mood and telling him jokingly as if it doesnt bother you in the least that way he will feel free to take your side or at least say well you know my mother shes crazy when it comes to...just ignore it and you could both smile about it.believe me its taken 4 kids and 20 years to get to hear him say this but it was worth the wait.iv had to put up with a lot worse but i advice you dont go to a counceller .she might just make you feel like youve got real problems .you dont .certainly not worth leaving your husband for .just put that thought out of your head right now and the moment you finish reading this go eat something you like or buy something ..just spoil yourself ,then while your in that mood sit down and list out as many reasons as you can why you love your man,read them back and everyday find a way of showing him how you feel according to your list...i guaratee you half way through that list you two will be back to making love and ealling in love all over again...but remember if your mother in law comes over just ignore her rudeness -instead of acting mad be nice ,and polite offer her tea and if she says it horrible or shed prefer coffee say of course an be as extra obliging as you can-but not borgeous,try to be genuine ,after all you dont want to be a carbon copy of her do you..think i am better than that ,i am a catholic too ,god said when someone slaps you hand him your other cheek -i dont think he gave us a good working brain to play dumb but i think he means dont try offensive action or even defensive action just be humble enough to be as pleasant as you can to every living thing.i read once that god expects us to be tolerant of people we dont like ,for who needs to show tolerance when you love someone.i thought this to be so true.by the way i read this in the book -PURPOSE DRIVEN by RICK WARREN ..try to get it and read it also try to read just one page of the bible every day.this is harder than you think iv been trying to do this and something always feels more important at the time .
but if and when you do you will feel a sense of peace .also the book is really well written and a very good insight into how to cope with day to day issues,and what God expects of us.

good luck and i just want to say you havent got a thing to worry about just follow what i said .remember dont worry your hubby with this stuff just leave conversations with him to be about you and what your baby son did ,youve had your first child this is the best time after you have more you wont get to spend as much time as you do now so dont let anyone spoil this time for you...its presious.dont show this or any other advice to your hubby that will just annoy him that your taking personal matters to outsiders .i tell you coz i did all these things before i learnt the hard way.and one more thing get the day care facility at once ,the moment you put an end to relying on you mil you'll feel more confident and indipendaent and you'll be able to cope with her visits which will then prbably become much less.also even though you feel you dont like her try buying her little thoughtfull gifts ..it works

now i guess youll find it hard to have her in mind when buying the gift so instead think your getting it for your mum only take note of what your mil seems to like or your effotrs will be useless.

God Bless and take care .anD WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS AN OUR FATHER OR HAIL MARY WHISPHERED UNDER YOUR BREATH WORKS .LEAH

Samantha - posted on 01/26/2011

i have a nasty MIL too But we don't talk and she is not allowed to see my kids, and my husband is okay with that, because I GAVE birth to our kids. My son has a Hemangioma on the top of his head (it's a collection of blood vessels that will eventually go away) He was born with it, but has a rear hemangioma that grows with his head, so it didn't become visible until he was 2 months old. My doctor was not familiar with hemangioma's so he said until i can get in to see the specialist be EXTRA careful with his head, he recommended not holding him just because i want to hold him when he needs me too. So I made a rule Nobody under 18 can hold him unless they are sitting down. I let my MIL watch my son one day and when i came to pick him up, my sister in law who is 9 now so was 6 at the time was carrying him around the house. She told me i was seeing things.. I ripped him out of a 6 year olds arms PLEASE! So she was then only allowed to watch him while my sister in law was in school, i would take him over there to see his aunt, but grandma could not be left alone with him while his aunt was there. Than I have my daughter in January last year. We lived in Michigan at the time, so winters get pretty bad. Well in march she had my daughter who was 3 months old, out side in a onesie nothing else, no socks no blankie in MARCH.. I was not home but my husband let her do it.. When i got home i went to the neighbors to wait for her to leave because i can't stand her! My husband came over there and told me to get home and take my daughter from his mother because she refuses to take her back in the house. I'm like dude it is your mom your daughter but whatever i'll be the bad guy! I went into my back yard where she was, and told her to give me my daughter she said no, and walked away, so i fought with her over my daughter! Grabbed my son who was bundled up went in the house and closed the door! She came in my house to tell me that i am not aloud to take her grand children from her! I let her know i did and she would never see them again. and she hasn't!

Kathleen - posted on 01/26/2011

Honestly hun, My mother-in-law ended up in causing my marriage to end causeing shit like this....
I couldnt stand it anymore after 2 years!!!

Ellen - posted on 01/26/2011

It sounds like your MIL is rather childish. It sounds like you have already explained your side of things to your husband as well. I would try explaning her behavior to your husband as clearly as possible and mention especially how it makes you feel and the position it puts you in being married to him and having someone come into your home who is not respectful to you. You might ask him if he'd be willing to ask her to speak to you when she comes, say hi, or at least have a little back and forth converstation with you. I don't know your situation, but I suspect that she may feel that you have an issue with her, but rather than address it, she takes her feelings out on you with this passive/aggressive behavior, putting the magnet on your pic, ignoring you, ect. You could also talk to her, but I have a MIL, who isn't always respectful and I have gotten further with things by talking to my husband first. There are still issues, sometimes she is rude and inconsiderate, or actually gangs up with my sister-in-law, some of which I ignore, because they don't deserve my energy in an idiotic reaction. I think these issues can really get to someone and can cause quite a bit of stress. I think there are things you can do on your own. The best way to handle a situation where someone is being disrespectful is to either let them know how you feel about it and don't give them the satifaction of reacting in an upset way.

Tina Marie - posted on 01/26/2011

Don't make him choose between his family and you, it will tear your marriage apart. I think the problem lies with the way you respond to your mother-in-law, after all she can't be that bad, she raised your husband, and you love him. You have to find a way to get past those insecure feelings that are controling how you feel about your mother-in-law. I have been married for 35 years and counting and yes, I have a wonderful Mother-in-law and a fabulous Daughter in Law. I can't imagine having the kind of relationship that you are dealing with. My mother used to tell me that relationships are what YOU make of them, and she was soooo right. I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just saying, what can you do to help to make your life easier, by making your relationship with his Mom sweeter?

Sharon - posted on 01/26/2011

thinking you need to work on your relationship with your husband. sit down and work out where you stand with each other. no good tackling MIL issues if you havent got a united front as a family unit...( you will also need this team work as your child grows and begins to try and test his/her boundries).
once you have a strong family core, you will need to set your boundries to the rest of your family. set them firmly but without all the fireworks. keep comments to yourself and remain true to what you have set. less arguing is always best as human nature will find your weak point of your arguement and will open another reason to continue the battle. dont cut problem family off (unless it is absolutely at breaking point) but dont let extended family organise you either. in saying that you still need to stay flexiable, but without giving yourself away either.
but all in al if your relationship is not united your not going to be incontrol of anything!
counselling would be a step forward.
goodluck and hope you find peace soon.

Karen - posted on 01/26/2011

My dear mother and kindred spirit in MIL issues. I have only a couple of notes which I hope are helpful. My husband and I have been in counseling more times than I can count and I'm very grateful we did each time. I was depressed after each baby came and needed extra support, he just didn't give it to me. I realized after a long time that he's just stuck in a place he can't get out of. Between his mother and wife, yikes! So, make it easy on him and your relationship. Stand up for yourself with your MIL calmly, rationally and matter of factly. Don't let her get under your skin. If she truly is gossiping and doing little things to show her dismay for you, she's just not going to be a friend nor anyone you want to interact with except for those "family events". Recognize it now and don't pine away for a relationship that will never be. Finally, read the book "proper care and feeding of husbands" and "praise for stay at home moms." You may find that you can resolve all these issues by standing up and being the Mom of your family. Daycare is a sad option no matter what alternative. Don't try to punish her because you are taking things she is doing personally. Treat her with love, kindness and compassion and you'll find your heart growing bigger for everyone around you. And IF you go to counseling make certain it is a counselor that agrees with your values. Don't just go to "get one more opinion" go to work on the core issues of your marriage which probably bigger than just your MIL. Best wishes!!!!

Bridgette - posted on 01/26/2011

I think your MIL has gone a little bit too far, Counseling well help only for relationship/ Married issues but at the end of the day his mum will be an issue. I have been having problems with mine a little bit like yours and the one thing we have in common is my boyfriend picks his mum over me several times i think they are old enough to stand up for themselves i know probably a little hush but true and i think if they start fights or say something rude they should learn to deal with it alone. When i had my naming ceremony at my MIL's house big mistake it was she invited her friends over including when i just met them too and decided the people i invite she will just hold up when they had a long drive to get home she was holding her up chatting out front we she didn't even know my friend believable it was. hope things are working out for yous

Katie - posted on 01/26/2011

I dont think you are being over-sensitive at all! Get to counceling as soon as possible these problems will not go away on their own. Your husband needs to recognize your feelings and stick up for you. As parents and a married couple you should be partners in everything and even if he disagrees with your feelings he should respect him. She needs to be seperated from the situation more so you both can be the best parents you can be. It is not her place to micro manage you or your husband. She had her turn to parent and he is grown. It is not ok for her to treat you like she does in front of your child. NOT COOL! (can you tell I have had very similar issues before? LOL) Stand your ground and dont let her walk all over you. He is your child!

Joan - posted on 01/26/2011

I would say that when your MIL arrives and forgets to say hi to you put a smile on your face go out of your way and be extra polite and nice to her! When she is doing something you don't agree with politely or jokingly say so but not confrontational. Believe me with some people its worse than being angry with them. My cousin was control freak and got so upset with me because I wouldn't let her take over the arrangements for my wedding even at church she tried to control who my flower girls were, all I done was politely have them removed to their pews. She was so upset but there was nothing she could do always try to be polite and the main thing is she is probably JEALOUS you have her son and you also have HIS son which is for a possesive mother is hard to bear. Remember he chose to be with you.

When all goes pear shaped and she throws tantrum keep smiling and be polite then people will look and think oh she is the one being unreasonble not you. Try compromises with special occasions if she tries to take over and gently remind her that your parents are your sons grandparents too! Hope all works out well for you and it does not come to you leaving your husband over her.

Tracey - posted on 01/26/2011

i would definatly go to counceling so that your husband understands that there really is a problemand the situation needs to be fixed. stand your ground with your mother in law i would confrount her too to let her know that her son has a family of his own now and she cant run all your lives but thats me, if things dont get better after that maybe a break from your husband and MIL is whats needed. i make myself clear to my husband and family what is acceptable anb what isnt, we have had a few situations where iv told him that if things continue or if such ansuch happens i will leave. you shouldnt have to live in missery because of this and he needs to know that whats important is yours and your sons wellbeing and your first child birth and first years should be a wonder and not spoild by a controling and selfish old women

Kristy - posted on 01/26/2011

I am in EXACTLY the same boat. Only with my situation it's not just my MIL, it's my husband's whole freakin family! They like to send me nasty email's telling me off. My MIL has left me voicemail telling me she wished her son never married me. (I'm leaving out the cuss words) After my son was born, and he's my first, she sent me an email telling me how me I was a selfish b__tch I was, blah blah blah. Most recently, his sister basically cussed me out over something really stupid that she got mad at me over that I couldn't even help. So she emailed me and cussed me out too. My husband doesn't agree with their behavior, however he doesn't stand up to them either. He just thinks if he ignores them they'll get the hint. So he's not responding to their emails, or answering their calls, etc. My thinking is that my husband, as well as yours, needs to put his foot down.

I too have thought about leaving my husband, but then I thought why give them that satisfaction? I love him, and he loves me. So the question you need to ask yourself is: Do you love your husband enough for the long haul? If so, DO NOT GIVE YOUR MIL THE SATISFACTION! My way of dealing with mine was simple: I told her if she didn't start respecting me in my house she would not be invited back PERIOD. She didn't believe me. For 3 months she was not welcome in my house by me or my husband. She apologized to me. Since, she has not done anything like that. Now I'm not neive enough to think she doesn't talk about me behind my back. I believe she does. In fact, I believe she says things to my husband. But, as long as I don't hear it. I'm ok. Now his sister is in that boat of not being welcomed here. My husband understands and says he stands by me. I just wish he'd stand up to them for me. Stick by your guns. If you don't want your son around her, don't let him be around her. I dearly feel that some families are toxic. My husband's family is, and I want my son to have as little to do with them as possible! My son went to daycare for a while, and he loved it. There's nothing wrong with daycare, as long as you check them out. Do your research! Hope this helps, and Good LUCK!

Kim - posted on 01/26/2011

I used to have some of the same issues with my MIL, however, they were not quite as extreme. I totally agree that she is acting inappropriately and needs to be put in her place. Unfortunately, you should not be the one who does it, it should be your husband. The only way I was able to get my MIL to stop acting the way she did was for my husband to let her know that it was unacceptable to him that she treat me that way. It's his job to handle it and stand up for you against her. If he can't/won't back you up with her, what else won't he be there for? You need to be a united front against anything that comes up. He doesn't have to totally agree with you, but he does need to care about that fact that it's causing you so much stress and pain. I question his love and loyalty to you because he is backing his mother and not his wife and mother of his child.

To respond to another part of your post.... Why in the world would you invite your in-laws to a xmas party when they're Jewish??? That makes no sense to me what-so-ever. Also, most couples spend the holidays going to the different sides seperately. We have xmas parties with my in-laws, my mom and my dad seperately. 3 different xmas parties! It's craxy busy, but that's the way it is and most people I know do the same thing. It sounds to me like she's just trying to control everything about your son and your husband.

I would NOT let her watch my child anymore without my supervision and I would let my husband know that he's either with me or against me. He needs to man up and cut the apron strings once and for all. I'm sorry you're going through this. Good luck and I hope I helped at least a little! :)

Charise - posted on 01/26/2011

Your husband is married to you now, and not his mothers son. You and your son are meant to be number 1 not his mother. I cant remember exactly what Dr Phil says, but its along the lines of He should be dealing with her and telling her to pull her head in and to remember you are the one he married and his mother is just his mother. Hope this all works out, but i do believe he should be on your side and support you.

Pam - posted on 01/26/2011

Mimi--No worries. I know the whole world is not modeled after one bad egg (or a few), but I did have that experience and to the extent that it may help someone dealing with that personality type (and there is usually a grain of truth to any stereotype), I thought I would offer it. I agree about the holidays too--what a great opportunity to learn and share with your family two (or more) great traditions.

Shada - posted on 01/26/2011

Hang in there! Counseling would be great even if it is only you. The more MIL gets away with doing things to hurt you and your husband...the worse it will get! My husband finally went for counseling and determined he needed to limit his exposure to his mother/family. We've adjusted and life is so much better. We still think of them and wish there were better relationships with his family. Hopefully, someday that may occur. We'll always be hopeful, not gonna hold our breath either. Why all the manipulation?? Often wonder why she can't just be happy and leave things be and not try to make every body feel guilty for making her happy or secure through our actions and deeds. If you aren't in agreement, then you must be against her. Not so. There are some people in life you just got to let go and move on so you don't get hung up worrying over things that should never cause a second glance. It is unfair to kids because they do not get to have relationship with those grandparents, but they learn too that there are people in this world that are not perfect and we have to accept them the way they are but not have to put ourselves in the firing line to be hurt for no reason other than you don't agree or make them the focus or your life. Find what works and do what you need to do. You go home every day to your kids and husband and you make life together for each other. Enjoy your children, focus on what is important, nurturing, education, relaxation, time with each other, etc. Show how much you appreciate each other. Don't let them grow up thinking that your happiness is based on their performance of what they can do for you or by putting you first above all else...otherwise, you'll be just like MIL.

Adrienne - posted on 01/26/2011

I hope that this helps you - (1) don't accept anyone telling you that you should put up with being disrespected as your child's mother - "not that bad" is not good enough! (2) it sounds like you must, MUST work out with your husband how much you either need him to support YOU in this, or not take offense when you finally decide to protect yourself as your's son's parent. I agree with the posts that say you need to set the rules and if your MIL can't abide by them, then she'll have to deal with the consequences. My MIL is pretty strong willed and, like you, I don't do well with being told what to do. I accepted it for years to keep the peace, but when my son was born I decided it has to stop. So, my Mom suggested that I need to make it clear to my MIL that we are both women, she is not superior to me and I don't need to take orders from her. I noticed she was nice if my husband was around but made snide comments to me when he wasn't. I waited and asked her to acompany me to my son's doc's appointment, my huband wasn't going. When we got alone in my car, i said what I'd already rehearsed (I suggest rehearing what you'll say so that emotions don't get in the way). I very calmly told her that we both love my husband, and we both love my son and that I would very much like to keep her in our lives without making my son ever have to choose between us. But, I cannot do that if she will not respect me as our son's mother and her son's wife - that if she and I cannot get along, it will hurt me to have to limit how she interacts with my son so all that I'm asking is that she please show me some respect and try to stick with some of our rules (like maintaining our vegetarian lifestyle). She actually was shocked, but before going back home a few days later told me thank you for being honest and trying to work on it, she didn't realize she made me upset. Now we still have our bumps from time to time, but she at least tries to be more respectful to me and when she's not, i find a way to jokingly remind her that she's pushing the limits. In exchange, I have flown our boys out to stay with her and make sure that whenever she comes to town, my family stays away and gives her time alone with the grandkids. I think you need to see if your husband will man-up on your behalf and if he doesn't, then assert yourself with her, and then reward her for good behavior!

Kathren - posted on 01/26/2011

I used to have bad problems with my MIL she actually used to tell my son the she was his mom as well as many other things, but this isn't about my situation. On my son's first birthday at the party she tried to interfere with my son while he was eating his cake by himself (you know the little cake). And I stood up to her and told her "No, leave him alone. Let him do his thing." she tried to be like but i was just and I said "look he's my son and he can play in his cake if he wants to, that's what I got it for. Now leave him alone!" She hasn't crossed me about either of my babies since then. Anyways, my point is you need to stand up to her and tell her how she's making you feel and that she needs to back off and let you raise your child. Let her know she did a great job with her children, and that now it's your turn to raise your children and she needs to respect that and back off. My fiance (the father of both of my children) is a mama's boy too and he always sided with her. Until he actually heard her tell my son to call her mama.

Renee - posted on 01/26/2011

Mathew 19
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[a] 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’[b]? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Mimi - posted on 01/26/2011

Pam A.....I realize you had a tough time with the Jewish families of your boyfriends, but that isn't always the case. I am Jewish married to a Catholic and both our families are very supportive. That's how it can and should be.