Mother VS Step Mother issue

Kyoko - posted on 06/10/2013 ( 36 moms have responded )

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I am a mother of a 10 years old son. Unfortunately my son's step mother can't accept I am his mother as She call my son " Billy( it's not my son's actual name) Kathy(It's not my actual name) is calling you" instead "It's your mom" By the way,Since my son will be with his dad and his step mother this summer for 5 weeks I got him IPhone for visual conversation. But step mother told me She is not going to let him use it. I have no family but my son and church friends.I love to have visual conversations (Face time or skype ) sometime while my son is with them. Is it too much to ask?

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Debra - posted on 06/11/2013

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I'm a Mom AND a step mom. I would NEVER not allow my step children to talk to their Mom. I would welcome the day she bought them an iPhone for face time. I encourage my step daughter (who lives with us) to call her mom and spend time with her. Your sons step mother needs to get her priorities straight!!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/10/2013

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Speak to the father directly. Stop talking with the step mom, and work out a plan with the father. Good luck.

Marilyn - posted on 06/10/2013

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As a step mom myself, that kind of behavior is absolutely unacceptable. I think my step sons' mom is a lousy rotten parasite (albeit one who appears to be rehabilitating), but we still got our boys their own phones so they could keep in touch with their mom whenever they want to. She's their mom, and there's no way we would keep them away from her, even though we have legal right to do so (she hasn't fulfilled her part of the custody agreement).

Call up your son's father and tell him you want to arrange a meeting with just you and him. Push him, bully him into it if you have to. Then at that meeting tell him your communications will just be through him from now on. The step mother has no right to make decisions. Her job is to support the dad's decisions, not to make them for him. And tell him that if she continues to abuse the privilege of being in your son's life, you'll take legal action.

If you feel like you'll be too intimidated to meet with him by yourself, take someone you trust (preferably a big, tough guy) to that meeting to back you up. And remind him that any gift you give to your son, bought and paid for BY YOU, is not allowed to be removed by his step mother. If she forcefully removes something which legally belongs to you (and if you're paying for the plan, it most certainly belongs to you), she can be prosecuted for theft. Remind him of this. And best of luck to you in this. Please let us know how things progress!

Leesa - posted on 06/11/2013

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I agree with Annette, I two am a stepmom to my 14 year old step daughter who lives with us full time. I make sure both me and her father make desions together but I also make sure her mother knows what is happening. We have told our sd to ring her mother and have a good relationship ( my sd doesn't have a good relationship with her bio mum) but we try and make her develop one as we both think this is nessasary. I make sure to treat my sd just like my own kids and make sure she is looked after and safe but I also make sure not to poke my nose in too much to offend her bio mum and if anything about school comes up both me and dad ask her mother what is the best thing to do ( much to the dislike of my sd) my sd also calls me mum, she asked me if she could and I told her to call me what ever she is happy with. We all know I'm not her real mum but we have a very close relationship. You need to contact your ex and make sure you all agree to anything to do with your son but mostly between you and your ex the stepmum has a role also but not as much as both bio parents. Good luck and I hope it works out soon for the child's sake

Annette - posted on 06/11/2013

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Im sorry but that is incredibly wrong of her to interfere like this! She is the step mom, and in my opinion the ONLY ones who should be making these decisions are you and your ex husband. I have a grown step daughter but I have been in her life since she was 3, and I ALWAYS discussed everything with her mother and encouraged an amicable relationship with her. We even invited her to our wedding because my step daughter was the flower girl and we wanted her to feel comfortable. I would speak to your ex husband regarding ALL of this, it was YOUR money that bought the iPhone, she doesnt have a say as to whether YOUR child can use it. I would talk to your lawyer about THAT issue. Good Luck!

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Kyoko - posted on 06/11/2013

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I would call my son everyday but I choose to not to because of how his step mother is. I call him every other day since he left. Our Conversation is only 10 seconds just enough to say love and miss him and good night. I am afraid of when she is going to be on the phone. It's being difficult for me to fall asleep without my son in my house since I always lay down next to my son till he fall asleep were everyday things.I can't wait to see him!! I am glad I took some video of him fishing and playing with other children before he leave as those give me laugh and smile.

Jackie - posted on 06/11/2013

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Every parent and child deserve to see and have healthy relationships with each other. When your son is with his father and his new wife you would want to be as respectful of their time with him as you would want them to be of your time.

In a five-week period I would expect your son would be allowed an occasional, brief phone call. However, speaking daily may be a bit much to expect.

Working this out between you and your son's father in a peaceful, cooperative manner will be better for your son. I am sure your son does not want to be caught in the middle.

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 06/11/2013

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Can comment back and forth all day, but this person said she has now talked to her Lawyer, so lest she has had enough support to do the right thing in the best interests of her son.

Children hear and see all, in the end they will make their own judgements as well, if not poisoned by all this stupidity so much that they become bitter and messed up kids.

Act fast, as in a few years will be a teenager any way, and the child will simply have his own right to tell all to shut up, not as if he is property, he belongs to himself first and foremost and has his own rights to be protected.

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 06/11/2013

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Kyoko - posted 1 day ago

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@Missy and yes my son will be with them 5 weeks straight. I speak English as my second language and She really speak so fast to the point I can't talk back. I don't wanna argue with her front of my son either. I talked to my attorney and he says he will do something with next court which is coming end of this August. I hope this situation get better soon





Cool :) good to hear, hope all goes well, all need Peace of Mind, and children need to be just that carefree of these matters that adults create.

Connie - posted on 06/11/2013

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Please all of you grow up.. its not a contest of who is better, it is what is best for your child. If it means she calls u by your first name big deal your son knows who u are. Let him have the time to get to develop and know his dad and step mom. You alll have roles in his life to produce a happy healthy adult. You guys as grown ups are not acting very mature. Also you son may be your only family. But get a life, he is only a kid let him live like one. He is not your spouse or soul confidant and let him behave like a kid...nuff said but get a grip or he will resent u all as he grows up. Bjust let him enjoy time at both places and not have to choose between those he loves. Be responsible parents and step parents, and quit questioning each others love for your child. Its not that step mothers requirement she love you but she very well may love and cate for the child who will soon be an adult. I do I love and still do my step kids who are adults and manage to get along with their mothers and step dads....they had four parents....biological made no difference it wasnt a war. Respect starts with one and can change the others

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 06/11/2013

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Revisit new Boundaries. No you are not asking to much at all, as long as this child is in your care you are the Mother, however yes the other woman needs Legal direction help to understand she has stepped over , common fundamental parental share boundaries and she pull her head back.

The only obligation is that the child has quality time and is allowed to see its Father, thus take full custody on the grounds of the Step Mothers in immature behavior, also it not and should never be about POWER when it comes to Children, no one has any thing to prove here, as if any one had real power as parents, it would be all sorted BEFORE it goes Legal, and we would not be reading all this.um

and all knows who who's in the zoo , as to say, so you don't need to excise power, rather facts and get a Legal advise, and trying to make adults play nicely, um, it all about caring. I can see the stepmother seems a bit cheeky, but she is playing you, simply get your own legal counsel and tell the system what YOU want and need for your own child, don't let the child go with them next time, but not making to much fuss, allow husband to visit spend time at your place? until HE sees the light and what is expected from you.

Um, Yes I think going through the Legal system when communication has failed is o obviously the last resort "when adults cannot act like adults and fail a child"
Call any one the beast is not adult behavior, when any child in any circumstances see parents squabble then that child will make their own desion when the time comes to do what it may like.

I also ask as many would also wonder in these cases, "where are the father of the son all of this? where are the men? the child has a dad , he has the right to sort things out by doing so, he is showing he cares, rather they cat like mice when woman misbehave, he should be setting the woman straight.

This seems to be a woman to woman thing, very catty, and in appropriate for any child to be in the middle.

Our son is just that ours, we are parenting him 24/7 and although adopted it would be wonderful if it was the right thing for him to visit his bio parents this will never be, as he never had parents to care for him since a baby, as has they where never ready or wanted to have children in the first place....

To read things like this is plain dumb and stupid...... and name calling really unnecessary, like play ground stuff.Reading this is very unadult like, and sad for any child in the middle.

In saying all of this, this is a only child, and the Step Mother should be honoring the Mothers wishes, as the child is not adopted and still has the bio mum very involved. Honestly all I see is jealousy.

IN this case, the step Mothers child, she should simple allow the Father and the Mother to parent, if she wanted to be with the Father of the Child, she knows/ knew that the child was never hers any way, however also, as long as " any" child is under the roof of adults whoever and at any time, ((these adult's must male sure the child's emotional well being is their first priority)) and with holding the rights of the Bio Mother is inappropriate in this case,as she has the right to care and speak to her child, simply boarding manipulative behavior from the sept Mothers side, um as long as I am the parent 24/7 I am and and no one else, however in these cases when adults misbehave, (you need VERY CLEAR LEGAL GUIDELINES)



This is NOT and should NEVER be about Power, and as I read the bio Mum is not into that, rather she simply want to be respected, as any human been would, um in this case the Step Mother is not acting appropriately but I would not lower the level and start name calling as some here have, as would not " strengthen " a case in a judges eyes seeing mud slinging. ( not saying the bio Mum has, as she is obviously very concerned as any Mum would be) again the end she is still in the picture thus she is the Mum to.

its about been sensitive to a minor, and as long as the bio Mum is in this picture she may like to seek custody full time, and her ex and his new wife can visit, but really all this catty pulling over "invested emotional interests" cannot be good for a child.
Oh, and no one can or should change a child's birth name when its older, in this case the step Mother has gone to far, she has no right to, legal in any other way.

When we adopted our son we would never think of taking his given birth name away.

Mary - posted on 06/11/2013

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This is going to be a LONG haul for you...I would do nothing but ignore this beast of a stepmother your poor son has..There is an old saying..."don't feed the beast"..In other words quit talking to her..Let your lawyer talk for you..One good letter to the father and " the beast" ...AKA the stepmother should do the trick..Or go back to the court and take your chances...I'm 65 ..went thru the same thing years ago having my children with held on mother's day...Layer sent letter and one court visit did the trick...By the way..your ex will NOT stay with the beast if this helps..She will be gone in a few years...I know this because she is NOT HAPPY with your ex or she would not be bothered by you...She is more afraid of you..than anyone else ...Take your power back and get the lawyer to send a letter to put her in check...DO NOT TALK TO HER AGAIN....if you do...it' starts all over again..The way to win this war is to use the legel system...It's hard ..but you have to keep your silence and let it play out..3 years from now this will mean nothing...Call your lawyer..get the letter sent...or go back to court...Good luck and remember.."don't feed the beast...She loves it when you get upset....so say nothing and let legel take it's course...

DeAnne - posted on 06/11/2013

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Yes I believe SM have a say in some things but most definitely not a say in controlling your communication with your son. She seems to be flat out telling you no you can't talk to your son and that is BS. That is NOT her son. I would talk to them both at the same time so there is no miscommunication. Tell them in a nice way that being without your son for 5 weeks is going to be hard enough and that being able to Skype on the iphone will make it easier for the both of you. Ask them why can't they understand that? Turn it back on the father mostly.. Try to make him see it from your side if the situation was turned around.
Then if they don't back down from this phone thing.. document it. Tell them that you will be calling at this time, this time, time on this day.. etc.. If they don't answer or don't let you speak to your son, Document it and go to court. They can't keep you from speaking to him.. Document everything always..

Noreen - posted on 06/11/2013

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wow i would think we new each other my son is going through the same thing will no go to dads becasue he cant get along with step mom

Noreen - posted on 06/11/2013

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no its not asking for much as i am going through this now. they have to allow it. if not you take them to court and the judge will order it or they will loose there visitation

Kyoko - posted on 06/11/2013

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My son is not allowed to use their computer even and as I said earlier I set my phone PG13 and He can't brows inappropriate we site. I want him study while there sometime also and He likes Math games and educational apps if he is allowed. They have own IPhone but they will not let my son use them at all also.He stays with 3 other step brother and sisters in one room and their 2 years old in his Dad room my son says.He told his friends he wants to see his dad but he doesn't want to go because of Step mom will be there and his dad won't be there for my son much. IPhone made encouraged him to go there also that way he can see me in the phone. My son told me He feels like He is Harry Potter living with step family in storage room. I hope he is just exaturating a little....

Jennifer - posted on 06/11/2013

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Phones are a tough subject when you're divorced. You'll never see eye to eye. The more you talk to just Dad in this situation the more she will be a pain. Talk to them both as a unit.... Because frankly... They ARE a unit and the SM will no doubt be the one taking care our "your son" during the 5 weeks in summer. Being a stepmom with all the responsibility and none of the say is crap. She does have a say in her home and the sooner every one realizes that the better. But I don't agree with her calling you by your first name, that's immature.

Kelly - posted on 06/11/2013

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Speak to the father. You don't know whether the "no cell phone" rule really came from the step-mom or from dad.

You have to respect their house rules when he is with them. While I think it's unreasonable to forbid him from having the phone at all, I would assume that there are certain hours during which its use will be prohibited. Remember that while he's with them, the point is to be spending time with them, not glued to his fancy new phone. ('Cause I mean really, iphones are cool regardless of your age.)

There is also an internet safety issue with an iphone. A 10 year old does not need the unrestricted, un-monitored access provided by an iphone. As a step-mom, if B's mom bought her an iphone at 10 years old, I would allow her to use it to contact her mother/other family only, and occasionally play games where appropriate. She would not be permitted to use the internet on the iphone. That's why we have the computer with the parental controls. If she broke the rules, she would be required to call her mother and explain why she was no longer allowed to use the phone. She may use my phone or her dad's to contact her mom whenever she likes (within reason).

Assume that there will be certain times of day during which it's okay to text/call. While it may seem overly restrictive to you, again, he's there to spend time with his dad.

I know that her not calling you Mom to him has got to be hurtful and frustrating. That said, I would leave it alone if you can. Maybe mention something to Dad like "I would really prefer if (step-mom) would refer to me as 'Mom' when speaking to 'Billy', rather than my first name. You would find it hurtful if I referred to you by your first name when speaking to him, and all I'm asking is that the same courtesy be extended to me." Then let it go. Fighting about it will only make things worse and as your son gets older, he will form his own opinions. It's important to let him do this on your own, without trying to influence his feelings. Kids are smarter and more perceptive than we realize, and as they get older, they can feel it when someone is trying to manipulate their emotions.

Kyoko - posted on 06/10/2013

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@Missy and yes my son will be with them 5 weeks straight. I speak English as my second language and She really speak so fast to the point I can't talk back. I don't wanna argue with her front of my son either. I talked to my attorney and he says he will do something with next court which is coming end of this August. I hope this situation get better soon

Missy - posted on 06/10/2013

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I agree with others who are advising you to talk with dad about sm's behavior. She's out of line.
Is your 10 yr old going to be with his dad for 5 weeks straight or is it broken up?

The cell phone thing is a difficult topic. Some families don't want the kids to have them. So, that's really something you need to address with dad. Even if he doesn't want the cell phone in the house there's no reason why you can't Skype.

As far as sm calling you by your name instead of mom. Don't sweat it. Your son knows who mom is. It's a power play with sm.

The best advice I can give you is to stop co-parenting with sm. When she opens her mouth about your kid, tell her ... I'll talk to dad about that. It doesn't have to be a rude announcement but, It does need to be direct.

Kyoko - posted on 06/10/2013

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Thank you for your comments and I wish she could act like you .You are a great step mom! and I am glad I found "Circle of Moms".

Tanya - posted on 06/10/2013

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one of my ex's girlfriends tried to only allow my daughter to speak to me while she was at their house on speaker phone. I blew up & my daughter wanted to come home so her Dad sorted it our really quickly. Sometimes you have to fight crazy with crazy!! Or preferably go to mediation but crazy works faster.

Joni - posted on 06/10/2013

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Imo its nohb. She needs to back off that is your son not hers! I would tell you ex he needs to get the b*tch in line.you guys have a child together she had nothing to do with your sons creation.their is nothing wrong with talking to your son eveyday while he is with his father. She is his dads wife sorry if anyone takes offence but your son is 10 yrs old he is well past calling another woman step mom or another man step dad. Unless either of the parents isn't envolved in the childs life that's the only way I believe in a child calling someone else mom or dad when its not the bio-parents. Sorry if this offends anyone it just imo.

Yadira - posted on 06/10/2013

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Original quote:
There is no way in hell I would allow the step mom to control anything with my child that involves communicating with me. She does it because u have given her that control n she knows she can. Put ur foot down n talk to his dad. I can understand him having to follow rules in their home but for u to talk to him, say, before bedtime should not be a problem.......

THANK U!!!
I understand following rules in the house but she needs to respect you as that kids mother! and let me tell you I am a step mother too and though i do not always get along or agree with what the bm says, thinks, and does. there is no way i will ever come between her communicating with her daughter while she is in my house. and believe me she will call every half hour when she is bored. it's ridiculous! but again she is her mother and i wouldn't want anyone to come between me and my children because it will not be pretty. you are the mother and need to show her that when it comes to your son she needs to step the f**k off.

Jill - posted on 06/10/2013

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The "step mom" is trying to prove to herself that she is important. Well she's not in this instance, you and your ex are the important people in your son's life. She can suggest, offer ideas, but other than that you and your ex have the final say. If you and your ex can't agree then I would contact an attorney and get it figured out legally. She has the right to make her own rules in her home, but cutting you out of your son's life while he is there is a rule that can't be allowed.

Nicole - posted on 06/10/2013

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Sorry I'm sure everyone might not like this but maybe the father gave her the go ahead on the rules! I would talk with him ASAP.

Dana - posted on 06/10/2013

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From the way the step-mom is acting, it sounds like you got a divorce because she was having an affair with your ex and she is afraid he will leave her. That being said, the decision about your son should be between you and your ex. If that's not possible, I would seriously consider a consultation with a lawyer to see what your legal options are. She obviously knew about you and your son, and believing you would not be in the picture when your son is over is unreasonable and frankly stupid. As I mentioned earlier, a consultation with a lawyer would probably be your best bet as that way you know what you are doing (or will be doing) would be legal.

Michelle - posted on 06/10/2013

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FIRST I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT YOU AND YOUR EX ARE HIS MAIN PARENTS AND YOU TWO HAVE THE MAIN AND FINAL SAY AS TO WHAT CAN AND CAN NOT BE DONE AS FOR THE STEP MOM HER THOUGHTS \SHOULD BE HEARD BUT NOT BECOME AUTOMATIC RULE IM SURE SHE NEW HER NEW HUSBAND HAD A SON BEFORE THEY WERE MARRIED AND NEEDS TO REALIZE THAT SHE IS SECONDARY NOT PRIMARY I FEEL THAT YOU NEED TO HAVE ONE ON ONE TIME WITH YOUR EX TO RESOLVE THE ISSUES AND IF SHE CAN NOT HANDLE THAT THEN SHE IS NOT SECURE IN THEIR MARRIAGE AND THEY NEED TO RESOLVE THEIR ISSUES AND IF YOU WANT TO PAY THE BILL FOR THE IPHONE AND YOU MADE IT KID FRIENDLY AS MUCH AS YOU CAN THEN BY ALL MEANS THAT IS YOUR RIGHT AS HIS MOTHER

Lori - posted on 06/10/2013

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There is no way in hell I would allow the step mom to control anything with my child that involves communicating with me. She does it because u have given her that control n she knows she can. Put ur foot down n talk to his dad. I can understand him having to follow rules in their home but for u to talk to him, say, before bedtime should not be a problem. As long as ur not calling several times a day everyday. When she interrupts ur conversations with his dad u need to assert urself n tell her this is between u n him. My son's step mom is a bitch n she tries to push her beliefs on family. Such as everything for my son should be separate no combined family parties like for his bday. She didn't like that I was still close with his family. His family came to everything for my son. His dad stopped his visits 10yrs ago I believe was cuz of her. Even all gifts he got for bday or Xmas he was not allowed to take home, that was her rule. Stand ur ground, good luck n best wishes!

Dawn - posted on 06/10/2013

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Step mom seems very immature and needs to butt out. You need to talk to the father right away. It is his job to correct this situation. On the other hand, if her behavior doesn't change, they won't be married long and you won't have to worry about her any more.

BeaTrice - posted on 06/10/2013

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The conversations should be had with the father anyway. If he is as concerned as he should be with his son he will correct the issue (s) immediately. The step-mom sounds immature.

Karen - posted on 06/10/2013

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Like the other responders I would say you should be speaking to his father and working out a way of communicating during the access visits. How does his father contact him while he is with you? This would be a good starting point. Don't let his partner make you feel that you are not a worthy person - you are your son's mother and nothing can change that.

Karen - posted on 06/10/2013

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This is NONE of step mom's business, and she needs to butt out. Talk to your child's father about this. Communication should absolutely be allowed! It is outrageous that step-mom says she won't allow it.

Kyoko - posted on 06/10/2013

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Thanks for helpful advises! I always check his phone how/who he is going to text or call and it's a privilege for him and I will take away if he breaks my rules. I also set iPhone to PG so He can't brows on the inappropriate web site and such .By the way,Every time call or meet my former husband ,She will break up our conversation and turn everything No to my questions. My son even can't have his family picture in his wallet or his room there.

Sarah - posted on 06/10/2013

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I agree with Little Miss. Conversations should be between you and the father and the two of you should work out a plan. As for visual conversation that does not have to be done on an iphone. That can be done on a laptop or computer. For a 10 yr old to have an iphone may not be the most safest plan. This gives the 10 yr old access to face time not only with you but with others along with strangers. There are many apps that make life nice but also dangerous for kids. I personally would lean more towards having internet access on a computer in an open area where an adult can always have visual on what is being accessed on the computer.

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