Mum-in-laws!

Karen - posted on 09/17/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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ok here goes (sorry if it sounds like im ranting)

me and my partner have 2 sons (aged 1+ 2). we've done everything we can to make them happy, but my two year old keeps askin to see his nanny. my partner and myself keep trying to arrange a day for us to take the boys to see her but she doens't seem bothered. in fact she hasnt bothered with my sons since her daughter gave birth to a little girl 5 months ago.

myself and my partner have had plenty of help off of my mum and my nan, and are both very drained and continously feel tired. we asked his mum the other night if she could have the boys for a little while whilst we caught up on some sleep. and her reply was 'no, im looking after my granddaughter, cant you ask your mum or nan to have them?'

my mum works full time as a teacher and my nan has just moved house and then helped my mum move so she deserves a rest. Im fed up of her always blowing my kids off for her granddaughter. i've spoken to my partner about how i feel and how our 2 year feels and it just ends up in arguements.

Anyone have any advice on how to get through this? or what me and my partner should say to his mum to make her understand that she cant stop seeing her grandsons because she has a granddaughter now?

Please help!

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Stephanie - posted on 10/25/2010

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I had a situation that was close, my sons paternal grandparents never wanted to watch my children unless we were with them, did not even want to see them unless we were with. I basically let it go. Then one day she did not believe that my youngest was "busy" because he was always shy when we were at their house. They dropped over one afternoon caught him running by and were amazed at how "grown up" he was, I think that made them realize what they had missed. The best advice I can give is still keep asking from time to time, but look for a friend or sitter to help you out...they will realize eventually they do have grandsons'. Your children will also get to meet other people too. My boys (men) are older and I have to say they still love their paternal grandparents. Good luck!

Kim - posted on 10/22/2010

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I can understand where your coming from because my in-laws act the same way. I have 4 kids. They adore eldest son but for the longest time wouldn't even ask about how the other children were doing. We no longer live within 9000 miles of them so I don't have to visit, but even when we'd go home they wouldn't want to come visit us. However, they'd complain that they missed seeing us. The last time I went over they had a picture of their neighbors children in the grandkids photo frame that I gave them. I turned it around and haven't made an effort since. Prior to us moving so far away they didn't visit to say good bye bc it was too expensive and they said that their car couldn't make the drive from Pennsylvania to Maine. However, a week after we left they drove from Pa to North Carolina to visit my husbands brother and his girlfriend. Sometimes you just have to accept family sucks and move on.

Tracy - posted on 10/22/2010

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You can't change her, but have you talked to her as a mom? Let her know, hey you have a small boy that adores you and loves you and MISSES you! He wants to be a part of your life, and his new baby girl cousin's too.

Caryn - posted on 10/21/2010

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I am sure its not about you wanting to catch up on sleep. Its about you wanting your sons to have a realationship with their Nan. I am in the same situation. I have two girls aged 3months and fourteen months. My inlaws live fifteen minutes away and are both retired yet can never find the time to see my girls. But her own daughters girls ages 4,6&8 basically see them everyday. I understand exactly where your coming from! The only help I get is from my mum who also has to visit my wheelchair bound dad every other day in a nursing home and works full time herself but would drop everything and does to spend time with the girls. i just remind myself its her loss she wont know two beautiful little girls that her son is extremely proud of.

Nikki - posted on 09/19/2010

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Why don't you catch up on sleep while your partner watches the kids, then you let him sleep. Share the load.

Julie - posted on 09/19/2010

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its not just mother in MIL's. my FIL never saw my kids unless we took them round there and then he wasnt interested so when they were about 3 and 5 we stopped taking them. he actualy said when i was pregnant with the first 'never ask me to babysit and it will save me telling you no' he never asked about them when my husband went round and never bothered with birthday/christmas cards/presents nothing. he died in 2009 when my kids were 19 and 21. my SIL however had a son and they had a travel cot and everything for sleepovers there. my husband would go round to see him on his own because he didnt want the kids picking up on the ignorance of the man and when they were older they figured out for themselves who was important in their lives. just tell your child who is asking that nanny is busy at the moment and will come see you when she can. children stop asking eventualy. i know its not fare but some people are brain dead when it comes to other peoples feelings and the never notice or think anything is wrong with the way they act. you cant change it so dont even bother trying.

Kelina - posted on 09/17/2010

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Raising kids is tiring there's no doubt about it. Unfortunately, there could be a dozen different reasons that your MIL is acting this way, and unless we know the why it's difficult to help. Instead of asking her to watch the boys at first, invite them over to visit, it doesn;t have to be for dinner, even ask her over for coffee, that way the boys get to see her, and you can build the relationship back up. And if you want to ask her to babysit, why not set soemthing up in advance? that way you're not interrupting her time with ehr granddaughter and you have something to look forward to during the week. If that doesn't work and she keeps blowing you off, i'd go with aviodance all the way with your little man. Tell him you don't know when he's going to get to see nanny, she's very busy. And leave it at that. Don't point fingers or blame because with kids it usually ends up coming back to bite you in the butt. they repeat everything!
With your partner, let it go. There's nothing he can do about it, and I know it's his mother, but she obviously doesn't listen to him and it's not worth tearing apart your relationship because of it. I know it's hard, I went through something similar and my husband simply couldn't stand up for himself when it came tot he female members of his family.

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I think you need to realize that people arent always going to act how you want them to or want the same relationship with your kids that u want them too. Arguing with your partner about it isnt going to help but can push them away. Sleep is a lost thing when you have kids especially when they are both so close in age. You are getting help from 2 other ppl be grateful for that because it doesnt appear you are. Just because they are family doesnt mean that they have to help you or spend time with your kids. If doesnt want to see them it is her loss.

Sherri - posted on 09/17/2010

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I am sorry but you have more help than most. I have 3 kids and no one has ever watched my kids so I could sleep actually have only ever left my 4 yr old less then 5 x's in his whole life. My in laws life was more important so I just cut them out they haven't seen me or the kids in 4 yrs. My husband still sees them on occasion but I washed my hands of it and hence no fighting with hubby over it. Sorry they are your kids no your in laws and it isn't there responsibility.

Amy - posted on 09/17/2010

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Stop picking fights with your husband because of the say your MIL is acting. Nothing he says or does is going to change her and if you keep bringing it up and throwing it in his face that your kids are taking a backseat to your SIL he's going to take his frustrations out on you because he can! If your son really wants to spend time with his other gram then invite them over for dinner, or offer to take them out to dinner, instead of trying to drop them off for the night. Maybe she gets overwhelmed when she has both of them and they're so close in age. Don't get me wrong ii know how nice it is to have help but sometimes you have to realize when you are asking/expecting too much from your family and draw back a little bit. Unfortunately just because they're family doesn't mean they have to take the kids for you so your going to have to find another way to get them to spend time together.

Michelle - posted on 09/17/2010

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Firstly, I am sorry for what you are going through. Secondly, raising two kids, even close in age without any support just you and your partner is totally achievable, the fact that you have your mother and grandmother is a total bonus, I didn't have that due to logistics.
As for your mother in law, this is a complex issue. My first point would be that grandmothers love to give advice (whether you want to hear it or not) and feel more comfortable doing it with their daughter than their daughter in law. Just the nature of things. So it is probably a bit of a comfort issue on her part. The grand daughter of hers is only five months old, so still a bit of a novelty, give her some time.
For your part, you cannot make someone feel close to your children or have a relationship with them just because, in the ideal world that is how it is meant to be. I am sorry if it seems harsh, it isn't meant to. I think you need to back off and give her some space, instead of trying to force your kids onto her. You will find in time she will realise what she is missing. You could also try, instead of asking her to look after the kids that you call her randomly and ask her advice. In the beginning you might not actually need it, but it would make her feel useful in this situation too. At the moment, your sole go to person is your mother, so she may feel pushed out. You need to work on your relationship with her and things with your children may fall into place.

Good luck

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