my 10 year old has a big attitude problem

Jacki - posted on 04/14/2010

My daughter is almost 10 but it is my 12 year old son that is behaving exactly like your daughter is. I have found just like you that taking things off him doesnt work or he just takes it out on his sister, so instead i have started rewarding him for good behavour and i am finding that this is working quite well.. I let him choose the reward that he is aiming for and so far so good.. I also do this same reward program with my daughter just so she doesnt feel left out..good luck

Sarah - posted on 04/14/2010

As for the computer situation, tell her that since you own it, not her, then you have the right to say who uses it and who doesn't. Then password protect it and only unlock it for her when she's earned it. You should also put a password on the screensaver. If she complains, tell her that when she has enough of her own $$, then she can buy her own and decide who gets on it and who doesn't.

Sarah - posted on 04/14/2010

My sister-in-law did the whole "take stuff away" thing with my 12 year old niece when she was 10. As yours did, she got worse. I recommended that giving rewards would work. My ideas were that each day would start anew with her "owning" nothing. She would have to work towards what she wanted. It worked, and after awhile it just became a habit.

Make each goal a time frame for X item. say, 1 hour for X1, another hour for X2, and so on. If she messes up, start that particular hour over, but don't take everything way. If she decides that she's going to continue to argue or have an attitude, THEN you take the most recent thing earned away, but give her the option to earn it back. And at the end of each week, give her a "bonus" (like getting to pick Saturday's dinner and no one can complain), the better her behavior, the better the bonus.

Another thing with my niece is that we'd tell her she had an attitude and she would argue that she didn't. I sat her down one day and asked if she really couldn't tell when she had one. She said"no". So I asked her if it would be okay if I brought it to her attention when I was around. She agreed. I also made it a point to point out when she DIDN'T have one so she knew what that sounded and felt like. At first her mother thought I was just always getting on her case until I told her our little agreement. She's now nearly a teen and wants to be in every adult conversation, and pouts when we tell her it's not for her ears. It's a slightly different battle now. I just remind her that I've been there and remember how frustrating it is to keep getting told "you're too young" and that some day she'll get to it to her kids.

Good luck, hope my rambling helped.

Karen - posted on 04/13/2010

thank you .. but I spend more time alone with her than her brothers just so maybe she wont give them an attitude but it just seems the more I do for her or with her the attitude i get or she gives to other people but the good thing its not effecting her school work..she knows that know matter what she can tell me anything and i wont judge her or get mad!! i have told all three of my kids that since they were lil and I tell her that at least once a week ,,i am at a loss with her like tonight i told her to do something and she likes to say no to me now so i told her no computer and "she said who am i to say that she cant get on computer" i was shocked and i thought for a second and then said i am mom and walked away.. i was in tears she has never talked to me like that before and i didnt know what to say if i dont get a handle on this quick i will go crazy or even worse loss her

Reynelle - posted on 04/09/2010

Kristin's comment is excellent! I can only add that it's important not to forget about spending time with her just having fun. Sometimes its easier for kids to open up when it's just the two of you spending time doing some semi-quiet activity (board games, cards, taking a walk, at the park on the swings, cooking). Most of the time my child couldn't even put into words what exactly the problem was... definition of hormones in my book. A time out in a nice hot bath or a nap, sometimes helps change my attitude and it can work for tweens just like when they were little. The big giant hug and kiss when they know you want to fuss at them can help calm you both down too. I wish you well.

Kristin - posted on 04/09/2010

I hate to automatically jump to child therapist/psychologist, but that really might help her. I remember that age and talking to my parent's about anything just felt weird. An impartial adult may get her to open up about things she really doesn't want to talk to you about. They may also be able to facilitate conversations between you and your daughter. I would try just about anything to keep the lines of communication open between myself and my kids.

You can always tell her that she can come to you with anything. That anything can be things that have her angry or confused, things that might hurt your feelings, things that bother her about her time with her dad and step-parents, school, friends, anything. You will do your best to not get upset. You can't promise to never get upset, but it's not distress with her so much as it is the situation.

Also, have you started talking to her about puberty and all of that. She's possibly a bit past age appropriate for this talk, at least the bilogical aspects, and definitely needs the info. If you've already done this, maybe a bit of a refresher and she should know that part of her attitude is being dictated by the hormones going crazy in her body and brain.

Now might be a good time to talk about the behavior you expect from her now that she is getting to be so much more grown up. If she knows how much she is really responsible for, she may make more of an effort to get along with everyone. She is testing her boundaries with you. Like she hasn't always, but now is when she's going to really try to be grown up instead of just being like you; like she did at 2 and 4.

I guess to close, maybe try this later stuff first. These things could be enough. If not, don't stop them, just bring in the additional help of a professional. Good luck.