my 10 yr old is being bullied at school, help

Irene - posted on 06/04/2009

Heartbreaking! But definitely life's reality...my son had a similar situation between 4th and 5th grade and it was a choice he was going to have to make for himself...he was either going to keep letting these kids bully him or he was going to "get SMART!" and what I mean by that is this, after seeing the effect it was having on my child, my first response of course was to want to go over there and give those kids and their parents a piece of my mind! But...after plenty of pleading from my son, I decided to see what he could do... I finally sat down with my child and said "There are 958 other children at that school, find a new group and try them out...if that doesn't work then mom will go to the school!" Well, he tried a new group and little by little the old group came one by one looking for him and asking why he didn't want to be their friend anymore?? Kids are a mess of emotions and fears, keep up with whats going on in her day to day life, stay involved even when they say they don't want you to...you will get her through this and then again in Middle school and High school where it gets much worse! We were all there and we all remember... Love her, watch her and guide her...GODD LUCK.

Shannon - posted on 06/03/2009

We are dealing with right now too. My daughter is 9 and in a new school this year and has had some trouble adjusting. We have had several instances where she has come home in tears or was upset about something that happened at school with another girl. My husband and I were both bullied as children, and understand that this is part of growing up 9Not being bullied, but learning how to deal with bullies). Together we always look at ways she might have unitentionally instigated this behavior an/or the extent of the problem (Somethimes I think the lable of "bullying" is used too liberally and then a child is labelled a bully when it was just a small tiff). Then we decide that if she were at fault as well, that she call the child to apologize. This way she learns that her behaviors have an affect on others and there are two sides to most arguments. If we decide that a call needs to be made to a parent, then I will call in hopes of arranging a time when we could meet to model the appropriate behaviors of conflict resolution. So far it has worked out well. The parents are oftentimes surprised that their child can learn these skills so easily. I think that kids today have not been shown how to act, or their parents don't hold them accountable for their actions. I am trying to raise my girls with an understanding of their societal obligations. They are obliged to be civil, respectful and hopefully kind. This is a societal issue that we as a society have to deal with-through example. Our kids are not born knowing how to act, it is our job to help them navigate the intricacies of interaction with others. Sorry for sounding so preachy, what started out as some possible help turned into a rant. Seems I'm still feeling the lasting effects of the bullying 30 years later.

Leanne - posted on 06/03/2009

I understand how she is feeling, i'm 28 now and was bullied from the age of 8 til i left secondary school, the only difference is, she told you whereas i never spoke to anyone. I do know now that schools are getting hotter on bullying. My 5 year old son was bullied when he first started reception and i spoke to his head teacher and explained that i wasn't going to allow the same things that happened to me happen to him and the school was great, they set up meetings with the children and their parents and basically told them that if they werent going to teach their children how to behave around other children then other groups from the education system would be brought in. Since then the school has set up an anti bullying system. I know its hard as a parent cos you don't want to let things go or feel like you are going over the top and will make things worse for them. I would talk to your daughter and explain that some children have not been brought up as well as she has with respect etc and this is why they behave this way. And possibly speak to the head teacher and just put it to them that you bring you daughter there to feel safe and at the moment because of the bullying it is harder to explain that she has to go, maybe they will do something that wont single her out but to educate all the children on the effects of bullying? Hope this helps and hope you get it sorted. all the best

Kendria - posted on 06/02/2009

well tell her to cont. to prays for those girl and find new friends because they come and they go!!!!!!!!!

Andra - posted on 06/02/2009

I was constantly being bullied all the way through elementary school. I was the "nerd who liked the retards" and they always said that I looked pregnant even though I was never overweight as a child. I thought about suicide many times before I was in grade 5. Thankfully, I never actually succeeded. When I got to junior high, I started to bully people. This never felt good to me, and I always cried after doing something wrong, but I kept at it. Until the cops were called to the school one day when a friend of mine and I decided to vandalize a girl's possessions. This really hit home for me. I actually do not remember my parents even punishing me, but the police still stick in my head. After this incident, I stopped, and then continued to get bullied through high school. To this day, people ask me when I am due and have rude comments if I choose to hear them. All I can do now is ignore them, go along with whatever they are saying and shrug it off, or I can stoop to their lever of discourtesy and insult them in return. The latter makes me feel bad for taking the low road, so I choose to walk away and they say that I am rude of all things.



As long as you let people dictate how you feel about yourself, then you will be no better than what they are saying. I give you my regards, and only hope that your daughter will take the high road.

Jacqueline - posted on 06/02/2009

what school does ur daughter go 2

Andrea - posted on 06/02/2009

This has happened to my girl too. I am so sorry! I have read several books on the subject, "Odd Girl Out", "Queen Bees and WannaBes", etc., it's called girl/relational aggression, and found lots of great websites, google girl aggression/ relational aggression. It's way different than boy aggression in that it's manipulative and usually flies under the radar of adults because it is so subjective, it will be told differently, depending on who is the victim and who is the bully! At times you almost have to be there to really get the feel for it. Although it happens to most girls, it doesn't have to be that way.
Listening, offering advice, roll playing different senarios, and asking her what she would like you to do (call the parents, make other playdates, change schools if needed....) to help the situation. In addition, the American Girl books series has a book on friendship troubles, which my daughter really enjoyed. I would suggest not going to the principal or parents unless she is good with it, otherwise it will be more stress. However, do not let her think any of this is her fault, or that others will follow, it is not tolerated. By letting her call the shots with your strong guidance and support, you will be helping her learn to deal with people, but more importantly, she will learn what a true friend is, and make better choices as she gets older.
One thing my daughter really enjoys, is having strong mentor women in her life. I have several girlfriends who are more than happy to step up and talk to my daughter when the going gets tough, and she knows she can call them or email them, whenever (sometimes it's too painful for mom to keep my emotions out of it). I also spoke to my girl about quality vs. quantity of friends. Do you want a lot of friends, even if they aren't, or maybe one or two really good kids. Talk to her about pleasing others, it's one thing to be kind, it's another to put others before herself. Growing pains - YUCK!!!!

?? - posted on 06/02/2009

I'll share my story with you (I apologize for it being so long) its actually mine and my sisters story. The highschool we attended had at most 300 students. Pretty much everyone I knew had gone through one sort of bullying or another. VERY clique oriented school. I had a best friend, I'll call her *black* for this... and she had a step-brother, I'll call him *jerk* for this and I had been in a relationship with a guy for about 2 years when this happened... me and my boyfriend "were on a break" and I had decided to homeschool instead of going back to highschool - but I still went every single day at lunch to hang out with my friends and I went there with a friend of my boyfriends.



We pulled up the one day and I went up to *black* to give her a hug as I did every other day before and she completely ignored me, shrugged me off - I said "What the f*ck is wrong?" and she looked at me and said "Take a hint. F*ck off." I was absolutely stunned so I said "What?" and she said "You know what you did, I can't believe you'd even show your face here after you did that." I was in complete shock so I went back to my boyfriends friends car and sat there and started crying. Then I wiped my eyes and I went over to another friend and I said "What the hell did I do?" She looked at me like I had kicked her dog and told me not to talk to her. I went to about 10 different people and got the same response.



I went back to the car and someone came up to me and said "I heard what you did." and I said "Well that's fantastic cause I have no bloody clue what I did, when I did it, and who the hell I did it too. Can you freakin tell me so I know what is going on?" So she proceeded to tell me what I had done... (which I never did - but it's what everyone was told I did) I had slept with *jerk* after *black* told me that it would kill her if one of her friends slept with *jerk* and I had told a mutual friend that I thought *black* was nothing but a slut and that she should stop teasing boys before one of them takes it personally and then they told me that *jerk* had been telling everyone disgusting things about my body that weren't true - I won't repeat them - think of something that would make a 14 yr old girl feel like crap about themselves and that was something he said.



I was completely devastated. I didn't go back to the school and I lost all but literally 4 friends because of these rumors. No one would even talk to me let alone let me tell them the real story - which was that my boyfriend and I were on a break and even so I wasn't going to throw away a 2 year relationship with him over 1 encounter with my best friends brother that would ruin my friendship with her too. *jerk* had been trying to get me to sleep with him for about a year at that time and I continually said no.



When I went back to school, about 2 years after that took place - I was spat on in the hallways, I was pushed into lockers, I was called every name in the book and I routinely left school during school hours just so I didn't break and kill someone.



After that my brother had been in college for a year and he offered to let me live with him and go to school in a completely different town, so I went. After a year of school there I went to Montreal and started a business with my new boyfriend and we ran a successful recording label for 2 years there. When my aunt was diagnosed with cancer I came back to my moms to take care of my sisters while my mom was there with my aunt. Soon after my aunt died - my mom was diagnosed with cancer - so I took over being mom for my 2 sisters at 20. Which is when I found out that my sister was being bullied.



We had 3 meetings with the principal, vice principal and counsilor (with my mom) to discuss the bullying. This is a school who claims to have zero tolerance for bullying by the way. The principal knew me - the vice principal was new and the counsilor knew me and was one of the people who helped me through my bullying experience.



The first meeting - my sister recieved a letter from a girl telling her to stop being friends with her boyfriend "or else." So we took it to them so that they were aware of the situation. The vice principal informed me that my sister is a statistic and that 9 out of 10 girls recieve letters with threats or a tone of negativity as he put it and it is nothing to get bent out of shape about.



The second meeting - my sister came home in tears with a bruise on her shoulder from someone pushing her into a locker. The vice principal shrugged it off as an accident.



The third - and final meeting - my sister came home in tears and told us that the teacher had forgot about her. She had been spat on IN class by 3 girls sitting behind her and she had told the teacher what had happened and that she would be waiting in the library for him to deal with it. He never dealt with it. So I went to the school and I asked where that teacher was, and I went there - and I asked him what the f*uck his problem was. I asked him if he knew what situation I was talking about and he said "I am so sorry. I was in the middle of a pop quiz and it disappeared from my mind." I told him I'm not the one who he should be apologizing too and an apology non the less is not acceptable for this matter. For a teacher to not deal with such an offensive act at the time of the act completely blew me away.



After the teacher went out to the car to apologize to my sister, my mom and I went to the principal and told him he had better deal with it or we would be going to the school board about the behaviour of the authorities in the school - my brother was bullied to the point where he felt suicide was his only option (he is a happy, healthy sports doctor now), I was bullied, and my youngest sister were all bullied in a school that claims zero tolerance for bullying.



The principal was very condicending to me "Well how do YOU think we should handle this?" he kept saying. And I said "PUNISH THE STUPID LIL B*TCHES SO THEY F*CKING LEARN ALREADY!" He would say "We can't just make an example of 1 person." So I said "So don't just make an example of 1 person. Get a f*cking back bone and punish all of the stupid lil b*stards that obviously feel they have the right to bully other students. Perhaps if you had done your job when my brother and I were in school and punished THOSE bullies with the appropriate punishment - you wouldn't have students getting spat on and pushed into lockers and called names - the students would actually KNOW you have balls and they won't get away with it." He didn't reply to me the vice principal actually - I kid you not - said "You can't talk to us that way." and I said "Really? Are you serious?" the councilor even giggled at him for saying that. Our mom then told them to deal with the girls or we will be in touch with the school board and the PROPER authority will be the ones to take action.



We pulled my sister out of the school and the councilor set it up so that the school would be making her school work available to her from her home.



My advice to you Shelly - bullying is not a non-issue. At any age. Children are ALWAYS going to find one way or another to bully another child. All we can do is instill values and morals into our children so that they do not become a bully. Tell your daughter that she does not have to listen to it - tell her when those girls say something bad about her - go to someone who will listen. If those girls are continually allowd to act that way there is nothing that will stop them from being even harsher later in life. You can not rely on the school to take action - know what your rights are about bullying and make sure your daughter knows she is better than that no matter what.



Remind her everyday that as much as words hurt - actions hurt even more. Being strong and confident despite whatever nasty words any person says to you is an action that proves a lot more than words. The second it becomes anything more than just words - if there is a meaning behind those words - make sure you go to the right authorities. There are now bullying laws and bullies are held responsible for their actions, not their parents, but the children.

Julie - posted on 06/02/2009

I have had this same problem with my 9 year old daughter. She comes home some days crying and so upset. Thank you for posting this. I have read some great comments here under your post.

Jennifer - posted on 06/02/2009

i've been going through that with my son for the last few years. He is now 12 yrs old. It started when he was 10, the principle at the school was completely uselss. I spoke with the parents of each of the kids, these kids were older and seemed to get away with everything. One thing that I ended up doing was making a police report stating my son's safety is being put at risk. I did this because the kids who bullied my son put a skipping rope around his neck...there were tons of marks, i took pictures and went to the school to talk to the prinicple, the useless one to see what he did to discipline those kids...he did nothing!!! So then I went to took the pictures to the police station. They then spoke to the principle...finally something was done, temperarly. Unfortunatley it bullies are there , having a support group in your area will be a good step to help all the kids, some of parents ( i find the ones who kids are the bullies) will not want to get involved, but power with numbers. Also, have something set up at the school for the kids to voice their opinions on how they feel about bullies. Hope everything goes well for you and your child...i truely know the pain

Diana - posted on 06/02/2009

Bullying happens when people think they won't be called on it. In a democratic society people have a right to take action and defend themselves before a judiciary body. Sadly, many public schools do not take the necessary steps to hear the case and, in general, the student will go unheard. If I had to send my child to a public school, I'd demand that the administrative staff address it. Fortunately, I don't have to and am in the process of starting a democratic school where issues of bullying are dealt with as the are in the real world.

Iris - posted on 06/02/2009

My heart goes out to you, my daughter started dealing with it when she was at 7. I told my daughter she had to be strong and deal with it head on. I told her that people will treat her the way she allows them to treat her, and that if she didn't accept that behavior from them and call them out on it bullies usually back down.
Unfortunately bullying goes to far some times, and there have been some sad choices made by those who have been or are being bullied. Here is a link, the Dr. Phil show dealt with it. I hope it gives you some good advice. http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/2... Good luck!

Tamara - posted on 06/02/2009

Have you spoken to the school? They may not know what's going on. Its esp. helpful if you have the names of her tormentors so that the school can take appropriate action.

Melissa - posted on 06/02/2009

Unfortunately I don't think this is going to get better. It just seems to me also that kids this young are going through way too much stress. My niece has dealt with the same things. She has come home begging to be home schooled or change schools. In mmy town their have been kids as young as sixth grade try to commit suicide. The school here doesn't do enough to protect the kidsand they are suffering. It has been a cause of much heart ache for me. All I can say is keep the lines of communication open. Do what you have to to protect your child weather from other kids or the ones who are suppose to protect them.

Shelly - posted on 05/29/2009

I have told her about how true friends will not act like that. She just doesnt want to hurt anyones feeling so she always takes them back even though they have hurt her emotionaly.

Shannon Cassidy- - posted on 05/29/2009

That is a tough one , you want to tell the princable but you don't want it to come back to her that could make it worse on her. I would basicly tell her that they are not worth it, friends stick together know matter what. friends don't treat you good oneday and treat you like Sh*t the next thats not being true friends their not worth getting upset over she sounds like she could do so much better. School is almost over and hopefully she won't have to deal with them . Good luck I hope things get better for her.

Jo - posted on 05/29/2009

Welcome to preteen crap. It's sad but little girls are the worst at this stuff. You are

doing the right thing. It's to bad we have to tell our kids to have a thick skin but we all

have to develop one to get along in life. Maybe have her avoid the girls if she can, they also may be aiming at her because they get a rise out of her. Have her practice ignoring comments or just turn and giggle at them. You could say something like "I think you silly green is is ugly" I know it sound stupid you don't want to say anything actually mean to her, but it's to make her learn to not react or just laugh to herself and walk away. Just sit down and brainstorm with each other. My mom just told me to ignore them. But you may be surprised in a few years they may end up as best friends. So be careful about anything negative you may say about the snippy little brats. hahaha i hope this makes some kind of sense to you it's really hard to put it into type. Good luck, and tell your daughter that my little girl had the same problem but now she's all grown up and has done sooo much more with her life than all those other mean girls did with theres. She's graduated University as a teacher and is now going back to school to be a nurse. She has found her passion "helping others". she's turned out to be a strong young woman; bye.

Heather - posted on 05/29/2009

That is so sad if they used to be friends I would call the parents and tell them what the kids are saying so they can work on their kids. sometimes I think they bully to try and show superiority at someone else expense its an animalistic tendency to show dominance trying to up their social status and unfortunately its the ones with kind hearts that are seen as weak and easy prey. I would encourage her as best as you can and tell her when they are being mean to ignore them walk away and play with someone else. I have to admit a part of me would want her to tell them the way they act makes them all look ugly from the inside out and no one really likes mean people lol good luck and keep a close eye on her esp since she is entering those awkward and emotional years good luck

Becki - posted on 05/29/2009

it is very sad but young girls can be so very mean and harsh. sadly there will always be girls like this, I am sure you can think of a few that you know......lol. my daughter had problems with that and I told her to find friends outside of that circle of girls. for the most part it worked pretty good.

Jennifer - posted on 05/29/2009

Some schools have request forms for the students to fill out if they want to talk to the school counselor. Often the counselor will have talks with the group of children having the problem and work with them to come up with a solution that everyone can agree on. I taught 4th grade for 13 years and dealt with similiar situations every year. I use to tell them that a true friend would never be mean to them like that and then encouraged them to play with someone else. Contact the principal if these girls ever threaten your daughter, gang up on her, or use extremely foul language.

Sarah - posted on 05/29/2009

My daughter is in preschool, and she and her friends go through phases of calling each other name and stuff too. I talked to the director of the school about it, and she said it is totally normal for girls to become cliquey at such a young age. So ten years old is, unfortunately, not too young for this kind of behavior. SInce I haven't been through this with a child that age, its hard to give actual advice. But I would try telling her basically the same thing I tell my daughter, but more age appropriate- if the other kids are being mean, tell them you don't like the way they are treating you and walk away. No need to say anything else to them. This type of bullying doesn't really need intervening in my opinion. She should just ignore them and try to find other friends.

Of course, I know that none of this really helps. I was picked on a lot as a kid. And I can't remember anything that an adult said to make anything easier. But you learn to deal with it. And if she is a sweet girl, she'll end up with better friends in the long run. Just try to give her encouragement, let her know that she shouldn't change who she is, and the problem is squarely on the other girls' shoulders.

Best of luck to you both! And give her a hug for me!