my 11 yr old son was hving hs 3 yr old half brother have oral sexwith him what do we do about this?

[deleted account] ( 41 moms have responded )

my 11 yr old went over to his fathers for a weekend and he calls me to say that our 11 yr old made his 3 yr old have oral sex with him,i am horrified by this a now ppl are telling me that the social services will take my son away from me because i have a 2 yr old girl in my home i have talked to him and told him what will happen to him if this happens again and he says it was wrong but my ex husband says that this has happen before with his nieces,what do i do i don't want my son in a home or taken away fr ever? please someone help me!!!!

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Laurel - posted on 12/01/2009

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I worked as a social worker and the first step is not to remove the child, though if it persists he will be removed. Take him to therapy because it sounds as if he was molested or exposed to something he wasn't ready for. That was ALWAYS the case with children that were acting out sexually on my caseload.



THERAPY, THERAPY, THERAPY!



You also have to take percautions. If you appear to be proactive, the system will simply help pay for the solutions. He needs to be removed from sharing a room with the other children. If someone still has a baby monitor, use it in his room. He is not to be left with any children. Only adults can watch him. Explain, calmly, that the change of rules is because of his behavior. Don't attack him because I really think something has happened to him, especially since he does not discriminate on the sex of the child. This also seems to happen when he's with dad or dad's family, that may have been the source. I'm not saying dad, but the house or the neighborhood or someone he knows through his father.



I hope it works out because if action is not taken by you that works, they will take him and restrict his visitation. The system believes that children that molest are products of something in their environment (blame parents).

Brandi - posted on 12/01/2009

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GET YOUR SON SOME HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! Where did he learn s.th like that?? Is there any chance that he has been abused??? DO NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER LET HIM ALONE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! Call social services. Even if they take him away, he can get some help and your daughter will be safe. You need to really focus on your younger child right now, she can't defend herself against an 11 yr. old. NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SON SAYS THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL YOU GET HELP FOR HIM. Something has happened to him somewhere. You need to try to find out where. Happy, healthy kids in normal loving homes who have never come in contact with this type of behavior DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT engage in oral sex with toddlers. Definitely call social services. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO ANY MORE CHILDREN!!!!!

Charlie - posted on 12/01/2009

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If he is being abused its probably by someone you know who could easily abuse your other child , send him to therapy and try and get to the bottom of it , never leave him alone with your daughter,
I really dont have much more to say except to others its easy to say to get rid of him but he is your son and none of us are in your situation or could really say what to do unless we had been there in your situation with our own son.
Kids shouldn't just be thrown away or discarded in my opinion its a cry for help .
No matter what you do or how this goes down make sure you protect your daughter from him .

Sharon - posted on 12/01/2009

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Quoting Jude:

Reply to Krista Harquill: Her 11 yr. old is a child too. You don't throw away your kid when they need your help the most. I agree that they both should go to counseling, but saying that the 11 yr. old knows that this is wrong is well, wrong. We have no way of knowing whether he does or not. Either way, the mom needs to get therapy for them all, herself included. (I can't imagine trying to deal with this situation without help.)



 



Quoting Krista:



 



Your son NEEDS to go away. These are some serious issues. That's some serious sociopathic signs right there. I won't even try to sugar coat this. For the sake of your 2 year old and any other young child, your son needs counselling. An 11 year old KNOWS it's wrong. One talk is NOT going to change that and a 2 or 3 year old DOES NOT know that it's wrong.



I don't see any comment from Krista saying she needs to throw her son away or ignore his needs.



 



ITS BEEN SAID THAT BOY RAPED/MOLESTED TWO YOUNG GIRLS, AND THE HALF BROTHER.  If you are stupid enough to keep a molestor around a young child after its been proven he has already shown he's capable of doing these things, you deserve to lose your children.



For the sake & safety of the remaining child, he needs to go away.



I have a 14 yr old and a 10 yr old.  I can tell you right now that they know having someone suck their penis at this age IS WRONG.   I can tell you RIGHT NOW that they know forcing SOMEONE else to suck their penis or fondle their assholes IS WRONG.  Why?  Because i told them so. 



Because its on the damn news every night about some stupid repeat offender pedophile killing, raping, kidnapping some innocent child, because some mother thought the asshole deserved as second chance and left him alone with her kids.



NO, I didn't not use those terms or that phrasing with my kids but some of you are so dense.  Jude - either you are trying to pick a fight with Krista or you are incapable of reading comprehension.

Ries - posted on 12/01/2009

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my son, now 19.5 years had this happen to him at 2.5 years. I asked him to tell me all about it ...calmly (while screaming insanely inside). he told me "the man asked me to watch a video (presumably porn) and let her (another child. 2-3 years old do what they saw.. (oral sex) to him. He was at day care. the babysitters denied it, although I pulled him out immediately and never went back,called social services but they claimed that I was trying not to pay my bill... they said he adn all teh other kids they were paid to take care of were in a creche at the time while they were bowling, so i will never know> what they were doing bowling as registered carers anyway...???. I needed major councelling after this, and my son had one visit, and we were told that it had been handelled well enough initially by my not panicking, that there would be no problems for him later in life... I am telling this, for the first time, because you have a daughter who may have already been affected by this behaviour, hopefully not though. for her and the other children, there is hope and recovery, and I do not down play the seriousness at all, but hope to give you hope for these children also. My 19 year old has no memory of it at all, as the victim. I still think of that poor little girl who was made to do things to my son, and the fact that it was never resolved. follow the advice give above... there is hope, and pray also that every word you say is appropriate. allow yourself to grieve also.

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Sabrina - posted on 12/01/2009

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no you are wrong!!!! The 11 year old is acting out something an abuser did to them. you are right that the other child needs to be safe,he needs help etc. u are wrong in saying he is a sociopath and knows what he is dong. I ave experienced this in my life with a couple of friends tt are now grown up and a 4 years little girl(molestation in there lives that is)and I watched this little girl TRY to act out with grown men its awful and I am sorry but your wrong I already gave her advice but you have stamped this kid as basically someone you drop off and throw away and you don't you get help,find out who is abusing him and yes for now or as long as it takes get him away from other kids

Sabrina - posted on 12/01/2009

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first of all on a very serious note that is about a 99.9% risk that your 11 year old was or currently is being molested(if you know of past history then you know where to start)if not you have to find out NOW. I have never heard of a child that age doing that unless he was/is being molested. I want you to ask your ex why in the world he didnt tell u about previous incidents(sounds odd to me).you have to think about the safety of your other son.I have a friend who was molested by his brother(there is a 4 year age difference and they were kids so I don't consider it QUITE that)anyway his brother was re`enacting what his father was doing to him.It is sad and awful but you must protect your other kids. its very easy for social services to get involved in a negative way if you don't dive in and try to fix this. Your 11 year old isn't safe around the smaller kids and he needs help(and u need to find out where this started to protect the other children around you). I think getting social services involved isn't a bad idea because they can tell you whats the safest thing for ALL of the kids and they can give therapy and find the source. I know this isn't what you want to hear but its safety for all of the kids over anything else. Good Lick

Jenna - posted on 12/01/2009

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I'm a criminal justice major, I know about child abuse and that sounds like a typical case, go to the police or child services immediately. Children don't know to do those things unless they're seen it somewhere or are being abused, neither of which should a child have to go through.

Angie - posted on 12/01/2009

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I'm so sorry for you, this can't be easy.. Please get your son the help that every other mom has suggested you get. Something has happened to him for him to be hurting so many children at such a young age. Don't ever leave your daughter alone with him. You will never forgive yourself if your daughter gets hurt. You also need to offer to help the children that your son has abused to get the help that they need. Your son and all the other children need to get help immediately. And I wonder, why did you ex-husband allow three children to be hurt? This should have been addressed when the first child was hurt.... Good luck.

Debbie - posted on 12/01/2009

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your son maybe acting out somethig that happen to him 11 years old is young. if you have a church home make apportment with your pastor to counsel the family and your son. serch out every area of the subject like Who been sending time with your son, does your son wet the bed? what is he watching on tv? when did his behavior change, Talk to your pastor or counselor your son may be a victim himself. My prayer are with you and your and your family and the father with the half brother.

Shaina - posted on 12/01/2009

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I cant say anything that hasnt already been said but know that there IS hope. Your son is not a lost cause. Good luck and dont forget that this is going to put stresses on not only your son but YOU and the rest of your family too. dont let this break you down. There is support out there. To say this is going to be hard is an understatment but you and your family CAN get through this. Good luck!

Jude - posted on 12/01/2009

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Reply to Krista Harquill: Her 11 yr. old is a child too. You don't throw away your kid when they need your help the most. I agree that they both should go to counseling, but saying that the 11 yr. old knows that this is wrong is well, wrong. We have no way of knowing whether he does or not. Either way, the mom needs to get therapy for them all, herself included. (I can't imagine trying to deal with this situation without help.)

Hannah - posted on 12/01/2009

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Take your son to a psychiatrist...there is something extreemly wrong with this. He is molesting the other children in the family. You can not put the younger children at risk. Contact a child psychologist. You have to do this, before it grets worse. You cant know how much farther this can go and may have already.

Jessie - posted on 12/01/2009

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definitely get your son some help! there are therapies for these kinds of things. if your son is having uncontrollable sexual urges and is acting out on them inappropriately, please-- talking to him and telling him what will happen if this happens again is not enough to help him control himself. get him asap to a therapist who specializes in this and can help him!!

Donna - posted on 12/01/2009

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Katie Thomas the thought that you have no sympathy for an 11 year old acting out sexually most likely because it has or is happening to him makes me worry about you. I think he needs help and if that means removing him from the home then so be it. that is easier said then done as i could not imagine as a mom being in this situation. As she loves both her children so much and doesn't want either of them hurting.

Tammy I would get him help for sure talk to your doctor in regards to this. talk to your son, maybe like other moms have suggested this is happening to him and therefore he don't think it is wrong. and if it is happening to him then the person that has done it needs to be punished no matter if its a family member or close friend. I wish you luck and your son healing my heart goes out to you. Don't be afraid get him help because if you don't he is going to end up in jail as an adult and then he will be gone for a long long time.

Rosalyn - posted on 12/01/2009

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Sounds like a horrible situation, it actualy brought tears to my eyes because they are all just innocent beautiful children and it is not your 11 year olds fault, I would say the 1st step is finding out who is touching your son so that you can stop contact and take legal steps, second would be therapy for all the children involved, must be so hard for you, I hope you have good support of family and friends to help you through this tough situation xxx

Krista - posted on 12/01/2009

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Your son NEEDS to go away. These are some serious issues. That's some serious sociopathic signs right there. I won't even try to sugar coat this. For the sake of your 2 year old and any other young child, your son needs counselling. An 11 year old KNOWS it's wrong. One talk is NOT going to change that and a 2 or 3 year old DOES NOT know that it's wrong.

Jennifer - posted on 12/01/2009

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Ms. Jones you get your son some help and find out if someone has done this to him. he should be seeing someone for this. By you telling him that it is wrong is fine but this is an issue that needs to be taken very serious and needs to be addressed. You have to look at the long term affect that this is going to have on those that have already been involved in this situation with your son. You have to look at what is best not only for your son but as well as the other children in your home. Tohave social services in your life is not fun and the first thing a judge is going to ask you is what did you do about this situation.

Therese - posted on 12/01/2009

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Quoting tammy:

my 11 yr old son was hving hs 3 yr old half brother have oral sexwith him what do we do about this?

my 11 yr old went over to his fathers for a weekend and he calls me to say that our 11 yr old made his 3 yr old have oral sex with him,i am horrified by this a now ppl are telling me that the social services will take my son away from me because i have a 2 yr old girl in my home i have talked to him and told him what will happen to him if this happens again and he says it was wrong but my ex husband says that this has happen before with his nieces,what do i do i don't want my son in a home or taken away fr ever? please someone help me!!!!



your son needs counseling, Maybe someone is doing that to him and he has no way to tell u. A friend of mine went through the same thing with her son(s). She took him to the precent, told them he was out of controll and she needed help. This without telling them the exact story. She asked them to let him spend the night in jail so he could see the outcome of his actions if he keept on going the way he was going and the police help her. He straten right up. try that but also get him some counseling right away. Find someone to help u. He needs to talk to someone. He still young and if this something he enjoys u have to help him see the wrong in it and show him the right path before it gets out of controll. If this somtthing that is happening to him and dosen't know  how to tell u, he will act it out.

Rebecca - posted on 12/01/2009

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also, be very supportive with your son, no matter how gross, or mad, or upset you get dont yell at him, and dont punish him. Find the source of where it comes from. Maybe your husband? or the dad? or a friend. believe him whatever he says...this is a hard road but you must help him and dont leave him alone.

Rebecca - posted on 12/01/2009

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my dauughter was sexually abused by my bestfriends son 1 year ago, she is now 8. i know what you are going thru. I had to get her counseling (and i didnt have insurance so i had to get her on chips). she now has anxiety and fear herself of doing it to someone else. she said she didnt want it but at the same time it felt good. so that is what is going thru your sons head. He knows its wrong but it feels good. there is no other way than to get her counseling, start that way. I also had cps called on me, but my child was the victim. The sad thing is that my daughter is going to have to live with this the rest of her life. That's why I beg you BEG YOU to please get your son help. Can you imgaine how mentally tired and confused your son may be? Obviously something isnt right there. and I know the idea of CPS is so scary. But you need to save him and save your other children too. Do not ignore this or try to do it yourself. Find a counselor that specializes in sexual abuse, and if the CPS do show up, don't be on the defense, ask them what you can do and how to, so he can stay with you. But NEVER EVER leave him alone even a minute with any children at any age EVER...

Nefertiti - posted on 12/01/2009

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First you have to ask him were he saw this from who's teaching him this second take this post down so people wont report you to children services and why is this just happening over his father house sweetie open your eyes that boy is seeing something he has no business seeing and why his father tells you about the nieces incidents after the fact I wouldn't let him go over there no moore because the incidents just seem to happen when he's over there have you caught him doing that in your house I bet the answer is no and why he waits for you to tell him it's wrong he should have said something when he first did it did you sit and ask your son what exactly happened because it's not adding up to me he only display this behavior at there house not at home or anyone's house but his dad's very interesting I really think he's acting out what he see's over at his dad's house Iwould really keep him home watch his behavior he wouldnt be allowed over there .

Amanda - posted on 12/01/2009

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It sounds like he was abused before or exposed to something he should not of been. He definatly needs help like therapy. Try talking to him, asking questions like why he is doing this and if anything has ever happened to him. Being upset and horrified is understandable but just be careful cause you never know what is going on in his head. I would try to find help though. good luck.

Michelle - posted on 12/01/2009

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I can not say I know what you are going through. I have never had it happen to me. But I want you to know you are not alone. As much as your son needs help understanding what he is doing isn't right, you too may need to talk to someone. Help for the both of you is important. Listen to the advice given to you by Laurel the social worker. and even though I don't know you, if you need someone to listen, I am here for you.. Hope all with get better soon, remember you and your son are not alone there are people willing to help

Brittany - posted on 12/01/2009

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wow. that is intense. I don't really know what to say to that...but i would definitely take him to therapy.

Lynette - posted on 12/01/2009

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I agree with the other replies you need to get him HELP NOW! children only act in this way if something has happened to them, Good Luck

[deleted account]

Its seems your 11 yr old needs some help, counselling & support not only from professional advice but from you & his father, family & friends, but you need to protect the children that have been victims to this abuse & other any other children that may also become victims so that this doesnt happen again to them who probably needs some support aswell. Re-educate him about what love really is, talk to him about his confussions in regards to sex & abuse & whether he is also a victim of sexual abuse. Trust in love my heart goes out to you & your family.

Sarah - posted on 12/01/2009

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I agree with a lot of the moms on here... I believe that he has been sexually abused... Do not try to help him on your own. Be there for him, but he does need professional help. One of my students (I teach 6th grade so they are 11 or 12) was caught doing this to one of his cousins, and he then told someone that a close family member has been doing it to him since he was 6 years old. It is heart breaking. Good Luck.

Crystal - posted on 12/01/2009

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I have a step daughter that has acted curious and has done small actions toward my daughter. We sat down and try to talk to her. I know the background she was in while with her mother and i know the things she has seen. Also the kids in school and the shows on tv gives young kids this image that sexs is cool and the only way to fit in. I believe that you need a counsler or someone to talk to him. Whatever you do dont punish him or scare him. I had a very rough childhood and was punished which made me scared to come forward to my parents about what really happened. In this day kids are learning about sex soooo young and are worried to turn to parents, they explore them selfs. Another place to look to other then parents or family...try the school. Maybe he could have over heard another kid bragging about doing the same thing and how cool it was. either way please get him help and never make him feel like an outsider cause of this. if he feels he has a support system to help him figure this out, he will be ok.

Rebecca - posted on 12/01/2009

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As well as getting help for the 11 year old, you need to think of the other children. The 3 year old and the nieces (possibly your two year old as well) will be affected by what's happened with your son - they will all need help at some point in dealing with this.

Sharon - posted on 12/01/2009

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God help you all.



i agree with the others.



THERAPY!!! yes Cps will look into this. Its POSSIBLE your child could wind up with a record. do not LIE and say your son was abused if he was not. Do not suggest to your child that is an excuse.



BE HONEST. If he did this and was not abused, he has way more issues than I care to think about.



And um, you're afraid he'll be taken from you because you have a 2 yr old girl in your home? If its deemed the best course that he be removed for the safety of your remaining child.... SO WHAT? Save him at the cost of your other child!?



Slow down and think clearly.



I am sooooo sorry you are going through this. But if your son needs to be elsewhere to keep your child safe then that is what needs to be done.



If he molested his half brother and 2 nieces, I'm thinking he'll be removed, because your remaining child is a girl.



Fork out the dollars for a GOOD therapist.

User - posted on 12/01/2009

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the only thing u can do is get him help and if that doesn't work you'll have to worry about his future of him being a sex offender sorry to say because he's 11 that's an age where kids start figuring themselves out so if i were u i would keep a close eye on him, hope everything turns out ok may GOD bless & just pray that's all u can do

Shamara - posted on 12/01/2009

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well my grandmother is a foster parent and i see this all the time kids being takin from the home of there parents for this same reason. i think that you should talk to him about this asap becasue he had to see something like this before some where also it would be a good idea to watch out for your 2yr old. and if talking to him doesnt help maybe try some counseling

Lisa - posted on 12/01/2009

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I am so very sorry you're in this situation!!! I can only imagine how very trying and scary this can be for you. I agree that therapy is a viable option for your son. He may have seen something not appropriate for him. I would suggest not only having him attend therapy on his own, but that you may wish to try family sessions as well. There may be more to this for him than just something inappropriate, he may be feeling confused, like he needs attention, or he just may be feeling like he's torn between your family and his father's family instead of seeing you all as one big family that loves and cares for him. Definantly look into who is coming into contact with your son before these incidents occur. I wish you a lot of luck in sorting this out. You are such an amazing mother for seeking the best help for you son instead of just saying it couldn't have happened. I applaud you!! You have already given your son a HUGE advantage to healing and helping himself.

Melissa - posted on 12/01/2009

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I am a child who was molested by her brother. Many times when children are acting out in sexual ways it is because the same thing as happened to them. My brother was molested by his mother's boyfriend (we have the same dad, different moms). He was around 10 or 11 when he started with me, I was around 3 at the time. You need to sit down with him again and explain to him that he is already in trouble for what he has done, but truth will set him free. Explain to him that if someone else has done this to him too, its not fully his fault and he needs to tell you so the person responcible can be punished. Remember many times children or their family members are threatened by these molesters (not always adults but older children- poss. teens). Tell him that you love him reguardless. Ask him to be honest with you and tell you if it has ever happened before with another younger child, maybe even a child his age. He really does need to see a child psychologist though- he may open more about what is really going on if there is someone outsdie of the family that he can talk to. If he doesn't want to at first it may take time. You can get through this- there is healing. I haven't been there as a mother but I have been there as a victim so I feel like I can shed some light on the situation.

Karen - posted on 12/01/2009

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is he being abused by someone ???did you ask him who showed him or did this acts to him???

Rebecca - posted on 12/01/2009

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Has someone ever touched him? My sisters 2 boys that lived with her started doing thsi when they went to visit their father mother and turns out she was doing things to them. Sit him down and ask if anyone has shown him this and where he learned it from. He needs to get in to see a Dr and he needs to talk about why he is doing what he is doing. Most kids are embarrassed when they start to explore themselves and don't wish to talk about it with parents...but this is something besides himself so it deffinatly needs to be discussed with a Dr. Child services might interven either way even if it is for progress reports but i honestly never heard of them takeing a child away becasue you have antoher in the house. The child is just going to be punished and not taught why he can't do that which is what he needs to learn. If you would rahter take it on yourself first then by all means sit him down and discuss it with him but if you dont have an open relationship like that with your son, as some mothers don't as again it is embarassing but you need to start opening his vault. Do you have another man in the house? It might be easier for him to talk if both of you sit with him if he is close with the man. I wish you luck and i beg of you to get him help. This is not something that can just go away on it's own:(

Anne - posted on 12/01/2009

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It definitely sounds like he was exposed to something - and if this has happened before why weren't you notified of it before this? I agree with the others' advise, you need to get him help. good luck.

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