My 12 y/o daughter is making out w/her boyfriend, in my home! How do I discipline?

Kellie - posted on 11/07/2012 ( 25 moms have responded )

3

0

0

I went through my daughter's iTouch (I feel this action is justified) and read a chat conversation between my daughter and her boyfriend. He had just left the apartment where my mom (her grandmother), my boyfriend, daughter and myself all live. Long story short, he made mention of them "making out tonight in the room."

They sit in my mom's room with the door semi-open. But they must have been quick because nobody saw them kissing.

Also in their chat conversation, my daughter mentioned something about "lifting her shirt" or something like that. I had to stop reading because I was going to get sick.

So, can someone...anyone...please give me some advice on how I should handle this? And please, please, please...be easy on me. I'm still really sick to my stomach over this disgusting and uneasy issue...thanks...



From a parent to a parent....thanks. :)

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Ariana - posted on 11/08/2012

1,309

0

624

I know right now you're probably ready to ground her from boys for life and things but you may want to take a different approach.



I personally don't believe you should spy on your kids but since you feel that way I would be upfront with her about it. You should be honest and say "I read your chat conversations with your boyfriend and I saw some things about you two making out and other things." Then don't say anything.



She'll probably go OMG I can't believe you looked through my stuff etc. Then you just say I know you're upset about that but this isn't the issue, I want to know what's going on. Then just be quiet, see what she says. It throws kids off a bit sometimes when you just wait and listen to them. If she doesn't say anything about it I would continue with telling her that you want her to be able to come to you with anything she's feeling and any questions about dating. That being said you are uncomfortable with her making out and doing other things (especially the other things) with her boyfriend. Explain to her that although she's dating she might not be ready for the next steps in a relationship and she doesn't have to do things with a boy just because she's dating him.



You can certainly take the hard route if you feel like it, but you are then closing the doors to communication with your daughter. Having an honest conversation with her about your values and how you feel she isn't old enough to be doing these things, and what you think she can do (maybe kiss on the lips, not further type deal) at this age and about how having boundaries in relationships is about respecting her body. Find out how she's feeling and why she's doing this if you can. It's hard to be 12 with a supercute(in her opinion) boyfriend with all the new hormones going and she probably doesn't know what her own boundaries are and all of it is secretive and exciting. I mean think back to your first kiss (even if you were older at the time) and how exciting that was. Wouldn't you be a bit mortified if your mom found out about it? If you look back at a photo of the guy don't you go wow I can't believe I thought he was such a hottie! Maybe not for everyone but I know a lot of people who can't believe the guys they dated in high school but those hormones put rosecovered classes on.



After you've talked you can say I know you like your boyfriend but if you want to continue being able to date I don't want you doing those things with him at your age and explain to her he won't be allowed in her room. You might even tell the boyfriend the same thing, that you expect him to treat your daughter respectfully, that'll scare him ha.



Anyway, I would try to have an open and honest conversation but also convery to her that there needs to be boundaries and that starts now by not having her boyfriend in her room.

Karin - posted on 11/08/2012

1

1

0

12 years old is absolutely too young to have a boyfriend. And I'm pretty sure you prefaced getting her a phone that when she got it nd tht goes for anything such as an iPhone, iPod, iPad, anything where social media is available, you probably told her you would check in on her. So are you invading her privacy? Absolutely not. You are being her mom, her parent, her protector. It is a privilege as mentioned above to have these items.

Dove - posted on 11/08/2012

6,564

0

1337

My oldest is 11 and knows I will read her cell phone at any time and for any reason whatsoever. THAT type of privacy isn't a right... it's a privilege to be earned with mature and responsible behavior... and this child has shown that she's not mature enough to be afforded that right at this time.

Holly - posted on 11/07/2012

1,250

18

518

I wouldn't "discipline" but i wouldn't allow them to be in a room alone anymore/

Holly - posted on 11/12/2012

1,250

18

518

so many people are here saying mom shouldn't allow a 12 yo to have a boyfriend... well the thing is that if you "ban her" from having boyfriends, it is likely she is going to sneak out and meet boys, then you will be wondering why you were on MTVs 16 and pregnant. I am serious, if you invite the boy over just don't allow them to any "private" moments. tell her that he is welcome to come have dinner with you guys, but she is not allowed in the back rooms.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

25 Comments

View replies by

Cristina - posted on 12/19/2012

77

0

13

Tell her you installed a camera in her room and smile as you walk past her. That will make her think twice. Don't give away your sources ;)

Evelyn - posted on 12/16/2012

3,530

7

873

I have to agree with most of the posts here: What is a 12 year old girl doing with a boyfriend? Why is she allowed to be in another room with a door partially shut? Why is no one checking on them? I did not get to date until I was 16 years old. My children did not date until then either. And when my oldest did date, they were in the front room of the house, kitchen, or family room. When at her dad's house where they had a backyard, then there with the other kids. They had to be taken out on their dates as neither had a driver's license yet. They went to church functions where they were watched well. I was not allowed to have a boy in my room. I had to sit in the livingroom with him there. If I stayed at my grandparent's home then he had to come in the living room and that was it. Also my grandmother would come to the door when we pulled in after a date and stand there until I came inside.

At 12, she should be more into malls, shopping, beginning to try out some makeup, talking with her friends, and clothes. And other things should be going on instead of boys.

Angela - posted on 12/13/2012

2,433

9

321

I'm British and we don't use the term "making out" - I had to Google it to find out what it meant. I discover it means "kissing passionately" - or, to give the British name to it "snogging".

Snogging is not sex. It's not going to result in pregnancy, disease or emotional heartbreak.

I read somewhere that the average age for losing one's virginity is around 3 years after the first passionate kiss.

I feel however that 12 is too young to be having a boyfriend over, even in a communal room, never mind a private room! Of course, you'll not be able to stop her having a boyfriend. They will see plenty of each other at school anyway, regardless of what you say. The "making out" or snogging whatever you want to call it, is not a private activity for kids of this age.

Trust me, they will be doing it all over campus at school. It's a showing-off thing for their peers to see. Indeed, many of their peers will be doing it themselves. It's like a badge of esteem, that you have a partner of the opposite sex and your affection is on display for the world to see. This is the essence of adolescence.

Kellie - posted on 11/15/2012

3

0

0

Thanks Holly....your advice was exactly what I needed to hear. Because that's exactly how I handled it. So, thanks again for the great advice....Take care..

Robin - posted on 11/12/2012

15

0

0

I would not allow a 12 year old to date. too young. When I was young my parents only allowed me to hold hands at 14. that was it. I was told to be in by dark. Maybe, take her to church. they teach about morals. and it may help. Children are just having sex too young now. I am not saying you or child do not have morals. But with the TV and peer group in her school or neighborhood they may be a big influence. My son is 20 he was taught about having sex too young the consequences, unwanted Pregnancy and the sexual diseases. I told my 18 year old daughter and my 10 year old daughter. I told my girls most boys want sex. I told them about the sexual disease that are in our society. One in every fourth person has a disease in the United States. HPV is one of the leaders and some of those HPV viruses cause cervical cancers. I told my son that if he has a baby that he will have to pay child support for 18 years. So so far none of the kids are dating. Me and my ex husband watch them closely. It is hard I am a single mother. But I tell them the truth. It told them to try to date someone from church or with moral values. Good luck.

Mom - posted on 11/10/2012

19

0

0

Sit your daughter down and have a good talk with her.She is young but kids these days are having sex earlier and earlier and think nothing of it.You will hear everyone else is doing it.Tell her you don't care what everyone else is doing your not going to.To start with why does she have a boyfriend at 12 and allowed to set in the bedroom with him.The door may be semi open but is anyone peeking in on them at any given moment? They should be in the living room or kitchen.They shouldn't be left alone.Just to many temptations that way for young people. Good luck and give her some tough love.Also there is a lot of sex texting these days.I am a mother of 5 and I have 13 Grandchildren so I have seen and heard it all.

User - posted on 11/10/2012

6

0

0

Exactly thats wat im sayn lOrd know im not tryn make u feel bad but a 12 yr old does not hve no business wit a boyfriend & yes u hve ere right .2 go thru her phOne u pay the bill rite thats yo dam fon & u need 2 c wat she talkn bout!!!

Sherri - posted on 11/10/2012

9,593

15

387

Well my first question would be what the hell is a 12yr old doing w/ a boyfriend in the first place and why are they anywhere but in common areas of your home period. Kitchen, dining room or living room.

User - posted on 11/10/2012

6

0

0

Look im not bein hard on u but y r u allown yur 12 yr old call her self havn a boyfriend (1st issue) then y are u allown then 2 b on a room alone wit the door " semi" closed. I mean thats your child & i cant tell u how 2 raise her BUT u need a reality check she aint got no business wit no DAM boyfriend point blank period problem solved!!!!!!

Jami - posted on 11/10/2012

152

35

11

wow I was making out with my boyfriends from the time I was 11. I didn't and don't see anything wrong with it.



although just imagining my step daughter doing the things I did at her age kinda makes me think "omg no way she's too young!" so who knows I may feel differently when it's my kid.

Maria - posted on 11/10/2012

3

10

0

12 is to young to be having a boyfriend and boy company. My son is 12 and he know I don't play that, I check text messages and facebook. But this is the age where you need to have her in some kind of activities. I keep my son busy in judo and basketball for this same reason no girls and I'm making sure he don't get lost in these streets. Also you might have to see what kind of people she hanging around. How often do you and your daughter spend time together??? She also might need some attention that she's not getting it at home so she seeking else where.

Kimyan - posted on 11/10/2012

1

23

0

First of all you as a parent should not have to justify reading your daughters emails. My daughter is 13 and I go through everything. Laptop history. Cell phone chats. Etc. and in this day and age it's a MUST because you have to watch out for them.

I don't know how candid you are about sex and dating with your daughter. But because of the music and videos and movies that are our today. Even television shows. I find it necessary to discuss everything. I'm greatful that she does feel comfortable talking to me about her friends and things that go on at school. (And I just realized I need to tell her that)

But if you aren't open with her it's time to start. Punishing, lecturing, fussing, etc. none of that will change her feelings. If she's already kissing or interested in the boy than you've got to talk to her about her feelings. Not just sex. Not just the responsibility or the outcome it comes to them being intimate but what I think or know my mom missed. How to control your emotions and the feelings in your body the emotions stir up.

We as adults focus a lot on the sex part of sex but not so much the emotional part of sex. And as an adult I still don't have a firm grasp on it.

And I agree with the other moms who say no more privacy. If he comes over they need to be playing video games in a common area or watching movies with the family. In my house she's too young to have a boyfriend. And other kids would have to come over not just him.

But communication is the key. Set some rules about being alone with people of the opposite sex. And having company. And you can try to do it without letting her know you read her messages but rules about you checking her messages going forth need to be understood also.

Good luck. I can only imagine how scared and hurt and disappointed you are. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Especially you because this part of parenting is difficult.

Michelle1544 - posted on 11/10/2012

90

0

8

I wouldn't let her hang in bedrooms anymore.

How long has your boyfriend lived there? Does your daughter have a relationship with her Dad?

I would simply start talking to her about sex , hormones , how things feel good in the moment but there could be lasting consequences , and I would encourage her to take things VERY slow. Dont be judgmental or angry with her .

Melissa - posted on 11/09/2012

15

0

4

Im wondering why a 12 year old has a boyfriend?? and they are hanging out alone?? I can imagine the sick feeling you feel... Sounds like you and her need to talk about boundary's and possibly set some "rules" concerning "boyfriends" at this age. She is probably not going to understand that they cant hang out alone, but its your job to protect her. The talk of sex and experimenting seems to be getting younger and younger...Dont worry about offending her or making her mad. If you talk to her in love and try to explain your point of view, hopefully she will understand. If not, your still the mom and your rules apply. I feel for you and wish you the best!

Keri - posted on 11/09/2012

363

40

0

Well, she is at that age where she's interested in this kind of thing. Tell her you know about it, talk about it, then make hard and fast rules with her about what will happen if they are caught. Rules like the door must stay completely open, etc. Make sure the boyfriend, your mom and your boyfriend all know these rules and consequences too. I've heard "the dating contract" often works on kids her age too.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/08/2012

9,211

21

2000

Well, time to be brutally honest with your kid.



The first step is that they get no more privacy. We won't even go into the point that (IMO) she is way too young to be dating one on one, and way too young to be allowed to have her "date" in a room that has a close able door on it in the first place! Good grief, even when I started dating at 16, I wasn't allowed to take my boyfriends out of the public areas of the house!



If he can't respect your house rules (and neither can she) then there is to be no more one on one visits. The "dates" will all take place in full view of you. Period.



You need to get her on BC, because she ain't far from having sex. And you need to be brutally honest about the chances of STD, pregnancy, etc. If possible, see if you can't arrange a visit to planned parenthood, or something similar, so that she can meet other young ladies that haven't made the best sexual choices and are now either fighting illness, or trying to figure out how to balance being a 15 yo mother with how (ir even IF ) they are going to graduate HS.



And you need to do this NOW. Not tomorrow, not next week. Teach the girl how to have some respect for herself. Teach her that that body is HERS, and it's precious. That she doesn't need to be a sexually forward at her age in order to get boys to like her, and if she feels that she does, then those boys aren't the ones she wants around anyway.

Jennifer - posted on 11/08/2012

9

0

0

I agree with Dove. If I'm paying for the cell bill and your living in my house then you have no privacy unless I feel you have earned it. Don't tell her she can't see him anymore, but I would tell her if she continues this kind of behavior then it could come to that. Definitely only allow them together in a supervised setting in the common area and no bedrooms. I've had friends growing up that were having sex when they were 10 years old so don't think she couldn't possible do it at 12. Have the sex talk now!

Dove - posted on 11/08/2012

6,564

0

1337

12 is way too young to even be thinking of having a boyfriend. She needs a hobby and fast. ;)



Time for a no holds barred full on sex talk and NO unsupervised access whatsoever with this or any other boy.



This would not be a 'punishment' situation at all though. Who is the one letting her have a boyfriend at TWELVE years old?! This is the time for open, honest communication, firm guidelines and boundaries, and getting her so busy in things that she loves that she doesn't even have time to 'think' about boys.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/08/2012

19,028

9

3003

I like a lot of what Ariana said and agree with it. Don't bother punishing her....it will make it worse. Her body and hormones are making her feel good. So this is the point you need to talk to her about sex. Everything. Lay it all out there for her.



The biggest mistake you can make right now is forbidding her to see her boyfriend and fighting over him. Unless you want to push her away and into his arms.



She deserves privacy. Your business for sneaking around behind her back....but essentially that is what she is doing. So if you don't want her to do that to you, don't do that to her. Try to open up communication with her.



I would NOT be telling her that you looked in her private chats. You will shatter any trust she has in you. But, maybe saying you heard them or saw them when the door was cracked open.



Never again would I leave them in a room alone, and I would certainly be talking to his parents to. But like I said, be discrete about how you found out. Not cool BTW.

Lacye - posted on 11/07/2012

889

0

221

In all honesty, he would not be over to the house in a long while and when he is allowed back over, they would not be allowed to sit in the room alone, even with the door semi open. If they can't act appropriately, they don't get to have any type of privacy.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms