My 12 year old daughter just told me my husband has been molesting her for years......

Kelly - posted on 01/08/2011 ( 113 moms have responded )

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My Daughter "Julie" has been living with her biological father 85 miles away for the last 2 years. On 9/26/2010 she told her step-mom that my husband, whom has raised her since she was 2 months old has been molesting her for years. My husband and I have 2 children together. Both girls 9 & 4. Step-mom (who is a GREAT Mom to my daughter) called me and I later spoke with my daughter "Julie". In detail she told me stories that made my skin crawl, I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Immediately I approached my husband and he denied it. I asked him to leave the home because truth be told I was afraid I would become violent and do something that would leave my youngest children without parents. I called the police, I spoke to my Bishop, I've seen professional help. And all in all nothing came of it. I am a MESS. I will never forget the stories "Julie" told me....it haunts me everyday. My husband swears he would never do that and that he loves my daughter as if she was his own and he is very convincing. I catch myself wondering if my daughter is lying or if he is, I don't leave my children alone with him EVER and the whole thing is driving me crazy. There is no black or white, I have no proof that he did or didn't do it. My heart hurts so bad. I don't want to hurt like this for the rest of my life. I am truly lost. I'm 33 and I don't know what to do.

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Renae - posted on 01/08/2011

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Your number responsibility is to first protect the child. The great majority of the time, the child will be telling the truth, it is unusual for children to lie about this. When they do lie, they are usually caught out very easily. A psychologist will always ask the child a series of questions which requires them to immediately recall details (not related to the act but related to the surrounding environment or situation) that they would not know if they were lying. Police detectives use the same technique both when interviewing the accused and the accuser.

I am shocked that nothing came of it. The police are allowing the child to remain under the same roof as the person who molested her? I would be making a complaint to the high commission if I saw that going on.

Ask yourself this, do you really think a 12 year old could make up the details that she told you? Were they things that the mind of an adult man would think up? Or things that a child would think up? A child has no sexual experience or idea of what sort of things would turn a man on or what sort of acts adults perform... if she knows these things, there is a high chance they have happened to her.

By allowing things to stay as they are and not doing anything about it you are punishing your daughter even further. I can guarantee that she will think she should not have bothered to tell anyone because noone cares, she will think that she did something wrong and it is her fault since noone seems to be punishing him it must have been her that is wrong.

Molesters are ALWAYS master manipulators, master liers, and extremely convincing - most wives when they find out take a long time to believe it and most are at first convinced by his lies. Your story is extremely common.

I am struggling with the fact that you have sort professional help and still nothing has happened. Did you see a psychologist? And they did nothing? They are bound by law to report any case where a person is in danger and lets say your husband did do this, then any psychologist would know that your younger daughter has a 99.9% chance of it happening to her. If they molest one child they always molest them all, usually starting at the same age.

I understand you are hurting, but right now, as I said at the start, I am worried about your children and you have a god given responsibility to protect them. That means that your daughter must be taken to the police station to make a formal report - immediately! Allow the police to do their job and determine whether he should or should not be charged - you stay out of it. Your daughter MUST also be put in psychological counselling immediately. Counselling is absolutely essential and is not optional!!!! This has changed her forever, she will ALWAYS hurt over this, it will cause her problems throughout puberty and into adult life and for the rest of her life... but counselling will make it bareable and teach her how to cope so that it has as little devastating effect on the rest of her life as possible. The third thing you do is remove your younger daughter - NOW! She also needs to be interviewed by a psychologist as he may have already started grooming her. Molesters dont just suddenly molest them one day, they spend a lot of time grooming the child by slowly introducing them to it, common examples of this behaviour include walking around naked infront of the child, going into the bathroom when the child is in the bath or shower or other times when the child is naked and things of that nature, tickling games where they "accidentally" touch them in a bad place, some of this will have occured while you are in the room as this further reestablishes to the child that its ok. It is a slow process so that by the time the it actually happens the child is no longer sure where the lines of right and wrong are.

Believe your child. You have no other choice at this point in time. Explain to your husband that you have no choice but to put the children first right now. Leave with your youngest daughter, start the criminal process going with the police, get your daughter in counselling. It is absolutely black and white.

[deleted account]

If I were you, I'd lock this thread ASAP and ask the moderators to REMOVE this due to the possible legal matters AND to protect your daughter. IMO, you just posted way too much personal information on the Internet that could compromise an investigation. The responses so far have been wonderful. I wish you & your daughter the very best in overcoming this tragedy.

Krista - posted on 01/09/2011

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Emma makes an excellent point. I was reading an article about this woman who was molested by her grandfather for years and years. He used to touch her, and would get her to perform oral sex on him. None of that stuff would leave physical scars. But the emotional scars would be absolutely devastating.

So Amy Lea: your assertion that molestation has not taken place if there is no physical proof? That's just not true.

What is going on with the police -- are they investigating it?

Sneaky - posted on 01/08/2011

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Sorry to suggest something that you probably do not want to think about right now - but it couldn't hurt to have a pediatric gynecologist look at your 4 year old and 9 year old too :o( I am not trying to suggest that your husband may have molested them, I am suggesting this because (assuming the exams are negative for molestation) it will at least give you some faith and trust in your husband with them.

As to your oldest daughter (you never said how old she was?) she needs to be physically examined too - but I would let that happen with her step-mum and natural father. I personally don't think it would be a good idea for you to try and get her through that experience when you are conflicted and, in her eyes, live with the 'enemy'.

Counseling - hell yes! As much as both of you can get.

If the police were contact there should definitely be an investigation going on - you might not have heard anything yet because they are taking the time to investigate it properly. You can always ring them and ask how the investigation is going - that might kick start something if they are not already onto it.

I have three daughters as well, so you are living my worst nightmare. I am so sorry that you have to go through this, and I hope that you all get the answers and support that you need to heal and move on with your lives eventually. My thoughts are with you.

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Kelly - posted on 07/26/2011

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Way too much of this goes on. Daughter goes to mom looking for protection, but since mom doesn't want to ditch the breadwinner paying her bills, she decides the daughter must be "lying."

My aunt handled this situation well and we are all proud. This is a famous family story: When her daughter told her her live-in boyfriend touched her, she didn't throw him out, or call the law, or call the daughter a liar. She simply waited until he had a few drinks, and taking inspiration from Willie Nelson's wife, rolled him up in a bed sheet and beat his ass with a bat.

What was he going to do? Call the cops and tell them she kicked ass for molesting her daughter?

This put a quick end to what ever was happening. He even admits that she "did the right thing."

They are still together. Today he laughs about how he woke up with her fists to his face shouting "You keep your goddamn hands off my daughter!" He still denies it and insists that the daughter "mis-interprited" his touches, but even if nothing happened- she wasn't willing to take the risk. Good mothers don't take the risk.

He is proud of her, and says he has much more respect for her than for other women out there who do nothing, or who blindly believe the daughter lied. A lesser woman would have allowed him to diddle the daughter. He says this proved to him he was with a good woman, who is a good mother and will protect her kids from everyone- even him.

Men judge us by how good a mother we are - or aren't. This one way a man discerns a woman's true VIRTUE. Men see Motherhood as a woman's highest calling. Angelic, even. If you're willing to trade your child for his paycheck, his opinion of you will go down. A man won't stay long with a woman who doesn't defend her kids. And if he does, he doesn't think much of her.

Men have talked a woman into getting rid of her children to please him, only for him to bring it up in the very next argument "How can I respect you when you gave your kids up for me? What kind of woman are you?" Deep down he WANTED her to stand up for her kids. In a way it was a test. How much worse do you look to a man when he has been accused of molesting your kids and you let it slide? You're going to look like an idiot to him for taking a man's word over your child.

Whether it was happening or whether it wasn't, she put a stop to it. She showed him she wasn't stupid and she wasn't going to be made a fool of in her own home. And the daughter can never come back later and say her mother didn't defend her, or that she took the man's side. It's "those" kind of mothers everybody hates.

Give him a good beat down. He isn't going to leave you because he doesn't want you pressing child molestation charges on him the next morning. You hold the high cards. Do you know what they do to child molesters in jail? Much worse than your beating him with a stick.

And don't make a prostitute of your daughter. She will rebel as a teen and disown you as an adult. And kiss ever seeing those grand kids goodbye because she'll never trust you with them.

Some men molest kids simply because it's easy and convenient and the woman lets them. They don't need therapy, they need a good ass kicking.

[deleted account]

I really don't know how to say this, without being rude, but here goes. If your current husband raised your daughter from the age of 2 months as his own; that means that her biological dad has had her since she was 10? Who else is in the biological Dad's house? How often has she gone to visit him? Why is she now living with him and not you? Who first suggested that she live with him? Why did she come to her stepmom and not you? Her teachers at school, did they notice anything? Does she have any male teachers? Is there any new/old aquaintances of yours, your husbands, her father or stepmom? What about family members, friends fathers/brothers/uncles? All questions to ask. I'm just wondering why now did your daughter come forward. Did a younger sibling tell her something and she felt like she needed to protect them? These are just some questions to ask, (no need to reply to them here). Always believe her that she has been molested. It takes a lot to tell someone. All I'm suggesting here is that this is how you leave no stone unturned; just keep asking questions, logical questions dictate logical answers and can help to lead you to the truth. If the abuser is really your husband, then by all means, put him behind bars. Another question, what about a lie detector test, could that not help in eliminating him as a suspect? I'm just saying, DON'T JUST LEAVE THIS, FOR YOUR DAUGHTERS SAKES. ALL 3 OF THEM.

[deleted account]

Always believe a child. I quickly read through some of the posts. I didn't see one area addressed, and that is that when something traumatic has happened, the victim can have Post Traumatic Stress disorder. They can surpress certain memories, and replace the abuser/rapist with another person. I know this from experience, so please explore any other possibilities; leave no stone unturned in doing so. It would be so tragic for everyone involved if the abuser was still there, and the accused was behind bars. The only proof you need is your daughter's word. Someone has abused her. When you say that nothing has come of it, Why not? Don't leave this. Where is the prosecutor in all this? Has no one been charged? I understand about being from a small town. But the abuser is still out there.

Rachel - posted on 03/21/2011

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you need to get your daughters away from this person, it unlikely that she could of made up stories with such detail at 12 years old, you need to get her to make an offical police statement for them to investigate, men like this will move on and start grooming anouther victem if they have been able to get away with it, he will not stop its a sickness, you have to put a stop to this..... take out a family violence intervention order and have him removed from the house if he wont go.

Vui Hin - posted on 03/05/2011

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I believe a child always tells the truth..You've to decide what's best for her.

Courtnee - posted on 03/05/2011

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@ Amy Lea not true...rape leaves physical scars, molesting is touching someone inappropriately which if they didnt inset anything in you you shouldnt have any permaneant damage or scarring. I feel for Kelly, question is does your daughter have reason to lie i know some girls maybe spiteful but you should never doubt your daughter and honestly if this did happen encourage her to get counseling because it's not something that should be free roam in her head. victims of these types of crimes tend to either do things that are harmful to themselves and far to often become sexual predators themselfs. So lots and lots of counseling.

Raji - posted on 03/01/2011

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Hi dear, you are not alone..it happened to me too. i am in a state where i can't believe my step daughter neither can i ignore her stories. Meditate and keep your faith strong. the truth will suffice soon.

Kelly - posted on 01/19/2011

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So this is what I found about the Hymen.....
"A common misconception about the hymen is that it is inside the vagina. It is actually a mucous membrane that is part of the vulva, the external genital organs. It is formed from a layer of tissue that develops in the early stages of fetal development when there is no opening in the vagina at all. This thin layer of tissue conceals the vagina but usually divides incompletely prior to birth, forming the hymen.

Sometimes this formation of an opening does not occur and results in a hymen that lacks the more common opening. Some females have no hymen at birth at all, since the tissue divided completely while they were still in the womb. The size and shape of this opening (or openings) varies greatly from person to person.

The hymen is also not an indicator of virginity. The tissues of the vulva are generally very thin and delicate prior to puberty, so many girls and teens tear or dilate their hymen while participating in sports like bicycling, horseback riding, gymnastics or while inserting tampons. A girl may not even know this has occurred, since there may be little or no blood or pain involved when this happens. Remnants of the hymen are usually still present until a woman delivers a baby vaginally"
So, again and as usual no black or white...but I am more informed.

Eileen - posted on 01/19/2011

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I would take your daughter to a psychiatrist for an eval. Hopefully they can sort out truth from fiction. For now I would continue to keep them seperated. If this should be true (I pray not) andyou don't take her seriously, she will never be able to trust and adult again. good luck

Kelly - posted on 01/19/2011

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@Codie, thank you for the kind words and words of encouragement. I ALWAYS need that. You know, I always "thought" and by thought I mean like you do, I don't swear by this, it is just something I thought was true. I thought that when you have had sex that your Hymen is broken or torn....or whatever the correct verbiage is...that it's either gone or torn and never to heal again or return again....I need to research that, I will after I finish this and then come back and post what I learn. And this maybe some crazy story that I heard as a kid, you know, for example when your "Cherry is popped" that's it....it's a goner....I may be totally wrong and probably am. But that in of itself pops up more questions or ideas....for instance, she is 12, her idea of being raped or any type of vaginal intercourse maybe something totally different than what it is, or maybe he tried to rape her but it became so painful for her he wasn't able to completely penetrate....or the other that I WISH was the case is that, this was the untrue part....wait, let me take that back...I WISH the whole thing was untrue....Geez, if I hadn't wished that a million times!!!...I can't and WILL not ask her to repeat what has happened to her to me again, I heard it once and that was enough for me, if she needs to talk about it, my ears and heart are open but I would never rip the scab off of her....if there is any type of scab at all, even though I still have more questions after mulling over everything she said. That's what has been so helpful about this website is that I can come hear and ask or say whatever it is that I need to get out into a helpful healthy community and get positive feedback and like from you, words of encouragement. No one in my everyday life has to know about what is on my mind and what is upsetting me...so I don't have to bother anyone with this stuff. It's been a great outlet for me. I don't have a ton of friends and an even smaller family, I have spoken to my Bishop about this but I don't exactly want to tell all the women at church about it...I also don't want to smear his name for a couple of reasons...one being that this whole thing just started and if he is innocent he will never be able to hold his head up high in this town, he knows WAY too many people, the other, and most important, is that the other person involved in this is my daughter....I certainly don't want this following her for the rest of her life more than it has to...I know it will always be with her....even if she made this up she would never be able to completely forget about it....I don't want people to know and maybe whisper to their husband or friend, Oh Honey, look, that's the little girl that was abused by her step dad....or someone remembering when she is an adult and saying Oh Honey, look, that's the woman that was sexually abused as a child and look how great she is doing now. I don't know, I've got so many thought on this. Anyhow, thank you again!

Codie - posted on 01/18/2011

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though molestation is sick and wrong in every way, if it was not done in a violent way...there wouldn't necessarily be scaring and physical trauma. the only thing an exam would show would be if she was a virgin and any bilogical evidence. if they found nothing, that may be why there was no follow through action taken. i do not how any of that works so please do not think i swear by this. its just a thought. i hope for your sake and the sake of all family and friends who are involved, that you find the truth!
hold your head up mommy, you're doing the best you can :)

Elle - posted on 01/18/2011

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glad I could help. feel free to send me a message if you need to discuss further.

Kelly - posted on 01/18/2011

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@Ginger yes, you are right these stories don't just get pulled from the sky. And I do agree that there are situations where children do lie for whatever reason, attention seeking, resentment...numerous resons. There are some things that she said that I think are untrue, however, there where other details and I heard the pain in her voice and in her tears. I would much rather be safe and not sorry, so I don't think having the two interact is a good idea, if he did this he won't admit it and put a guilt trip on her for telling anyone, and if she made these things up she would be hysterical from guilt for this huge disruption. I think this is going to be a situation for the long haul......it will carry on for a very long time and maybe even then I won't have any answers. Either one of them could take this to the grave with them. Thank you for your advice

Ginger - posted on 01/18/2011

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Well first of all, stories like you describe on't come from nowhere for no reason.. I would make sure your daughter knows exactly what ould happen to him because of a story like that and then make hem face each other and see how they react or how their behaving around each other... I hope shes not lying but kids do see or hear stuff and can seek attention or maye for no reason at all make up Stories without realizing how serious it really is.. Look a he history, is there any anger or resentment toward him from her. Any behavorial issues anything you can think that would make her want to tell this story all of the sudden, or think of any times that your husband had ever made you think twice or ever seemed different when she was around? You never know, like I said this kind of stories don't just come from nowhere, for no reason.... Good Luck

Kelly - posted on 01/17/2011

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@Elle, that is great advice! Some of the best yet, I have done some of the things you mentioned. As far as the CPI...here it is CPS they did make a safety plan and then closed the case. Their safety plan was to keep the kids away from him. I had already asked him to leave because at the time I was afraid I wouldn't become violent and regret my actions. I hadn't thought of an offender program, that is great information. CPS nor law enforcement have not even contacted him....the whole thing is handled really weird, I dont know if this is standard or just a poor case either way it's disturbing. I really had to make all the phone calls and push for action and resources, you would think that there would be a standard course of action considering this is such a common offense. I offered the computer and they didn't want it....I dont get it, but maybe they have a master plan and it's not for me to get...I dont know....thank you for your input!

Elle - posted on 01/17/2011

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Most children cannot make up sexual assault stories because they don't know enough about sex to do so. But to feel better, ask yourself this, does Julie have a history of attention seeking behavior, or lying. You don't say what state this is in, but there should be a CPI (child protective investigation) report. Every state has a victims assistance program with trained professionals in child sexual trauma. Julie should be going to get therapy and those professionals should be able to get to the bottom of this. Insist that your spouse go to an offender treatment program- innoncent or not they can provide some psychological testing that will at least show you if his personality is consistent with a pedophiles. It will either put your mind at ease or help you make a decision to separate. The fact that the CPI did not give you a safety plan after they spoke to Julie is disconcerning. Do not leave your husband alone with the children until this has been resolved to YOUR satisfaction. Another idea is to take the family computer to the police and have them look for child porn- huge indicator of sex abuse and a punishable offense by law.

Sahbi - posted on 01/16/2011

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It's not easy deciding whom to believe, but a medical exam and investigation into this ordeal should aid in finding the truth. I would suggest you sit with youself and honesty think back to anytimes your spouse might have given you an indication that something was not right. I had a stepfather that use to sneak into my bedroom, but no one believed me when I told them my story years later. Sometimes ppl can hide things well. Signs that i showed, but was overlooked by adults,.. I started having bad dreams all the time. I became more distant from friends. Did your daughter's personality change ubruptly? In the long wrong do not blame yourself, you had no idea what was going on and is not to blame. Handle your ordeal with patience and care. It's a complicated situation, but it can be resolved, and people do heal.

Julie - posted on 01/16/2011

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I sure hope things work out for you, especially your daughter. Only you can break this circle of abuse and the need to be loved. You were the first victim in all this. It is better to have come from a broken family than to live your life in one. You do learn what you live and unfortunately its the actions that impact not the words. My parents would no more let me out the door with a boy two years older than me let alone old enough to be my father. You can change this for your daughter tho. Teach her to be strong and indipendant and not to NEED a man. Its the beginning of the end when you NEED and rely on others to make you happy. Its all with-in. Your daughter is living with you now, right? All the best,

Kelly - posted on 01/16/2011

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@Rose lololol....you know when you are in a situation for so long you lose sight of what others or society may think, at first I totally recognized that but it's been 12 years and it isn't something I even think about until someone brings it up...and Iwish he was Hugh or Bret or even Michael Douglas....wishful thinking.
You are right about divorce, I've done it once with him already another time certainly won't kill me. And he does want to get into therapy, even though he is isn't admitting to anything he says he still needs help to get through being seperated from his family and help to get through such serious accusations.

Rose - posted on 01/16/2011

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Kelley, I can see that you are doing your best and truly care about your children. No one is perfect and it's never easy to walk away from your husband. I do think he was a little to old, but in your defense, I can totally see that at age 19 you were young and alone, he was someone you could turn too to help you. And as I mentioned, if your daughter never accussed him, then I don't think anyone would have a problem with it....look at Hugh Hefner or Bret Michaels! You are a different woman now, and although it's difficult, try to remember that you divorced him once for a reason, so your marriage had enough issues to actually go through an entire divorce.

Please don't get me wrong, I hate my husband every other month for some stupid reason or another, but it's never serious enough to go through a divorce. Continue going to therapy and you will go through a lot of emotions, but that's normal. Your daughter may feel distant right now, but that also may be because she feels as if she ruined your family and may think that you might feel angry or don't believe her....Just continue to call, email, send a card to tell her that you are thinking about her. She will appreciate it! I'm glad you are all going to therapy, but I think your husband should go as well....

Kelly - posted on 01/15/2011

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@Julie, thank you. My family is very small I have an older sister and a Dad, when I started dating my husband I was 19, a mother, living independently and already 2 years into my medical career. I moved out to my own apartment when I was 16. So, I've always kind of been more mature than most of my peers, and because I have pretty much always been independent my Dad nor my sister said anything. They stopped giving me direction long before that. When I met him I thought he was too old for me and I wasn't interested at all, but did become friends with him, he was a great friend always available for anything I needed and I fell in love with him. I've always dated older men, I felt like he was more mature, stable and set up in life....there is security in that and that is what I was looking for at the time, I had a little itty bitty baby and I was alone because her dad was an absent parent for a very long time and I desperately wanted a family for my baby, I wanted to give her what I didn't have....which was a big family. So we made it happen, we didn't marry right away and to be honest, we've been married twice, we married & divorced but never split up and then remarried again. I thought this was the person I was going to spend my life with, it still is hard to wrap my brain around the fact that he won't be. Having him leave my home was a huge loss for me emotionally, my life has been pretty sheltered because of him, I have friends but by far he was my closest one. My therapist said there is a wide range of emotions that I'm going to go thru and he was right on with that. I have good days where I don't have thoughts of this at all and then other days that I am overcome with grief.

Julie - posted on 01/15/2011

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Kelly, sorry if I was very abrupt and yes I didnt read your post correctly, sorry, I thought your husband was still at the house. But still I dont get it. Didnt anyone (family/friends) tell you thats its not normal for a grown man to want to marry a child. To me the signs were there when you were dating him, a child molestor.

Kelly - posted on 01/15/2011

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@Bridget, I really need to practise that more often, when I pray I don't always listen, that is something I need to work on. I think beating yourself up is par for the course....is it healthy?....no, is it done by others in my position? ....yes. It's hard not to when you are responsible for your children. I have my moments. I try to work through it the best I can. Thank you for the reminder to give it to God!

Bridget - posted on 01/15/2011

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Just take it to god and he will surely give you the answer that you need.And stop beating yourself up about it because you did what was right .

Kelly - posted on 01/15/2011

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@Rosie, I hear you on the age difference being wierd, it is weird. I have step children that are older than me, then my girls are aunts to neices and nephews that are way older than them, then I have to play the role of Grandmother.....I can barely pull off playing a mother role. I thought the same thing about her waiting so long to tell. I think she felt she needed to be in a safe place and in a comfortable relationship to tell someone. She is very close with her step mom and my daughter and I both refer to her as mom....she's got two. I wish she was able to come to me with this but I am so very thankful she was able to go to her other mom and share this, or it may have never come out, it may have even continued and lead to a much more devestating outcome. I kind of felt like she was pushing away from me after telling me this she wouldn't return my calls and wasn't calling me at all, my therapist said to let the chips fall where they may and to let it run its course, so I did then I got a call from her dad who told me that she very much wants to see me and if I could arrange a day where I could go to where she lives and just hang out with her....I was shocked and so excited I had no idea she felt like that and I was tickled....I love my baby, she is my first born and I miss her very much everyday!
Thank you for your advice and kind words. With support and therapy I really feel like my family will be just fine, and ultimately that is my job, to produce productive well rounded healthy children, I will never lose sight of that goal.

Rose - posted on 01/15/2011

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I feel for you! I don't know what you are going through, and I truly feel bad for you and your girls, but seriously a 43 year old hitting on a 19 year old doesn't sound right....Not that i'm saying it's wrong, but with your daughter's accusations, it just seems wierd. Trust your instincts!!! You don't need proof to know something is wrong. If your daughter is talking about this 2 years after she left you house, she is obviously saying it for a reason. Maybe she needed to tell someone or maybe she needs your attention, either way you need to connect with her and talk to her more. YOU are her mother and no one can replace the feeling a child has for their mother, even if her step mother is great. I wish you and your family the best and I hope everything works out for all of you!

Kelly - posted on 01/15/2011

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@Rosie, true enough, he does like younger women, I was 19 he was 43. It scares me to think that he may look at young children in a sexual nature uugghh

Rose - posted on 01/15/2011

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In addition, if your husband is 24 years older than you, then he obviously likes younger women! How old were you when he tried to pick you up?? He just might have a fetish for yournger women....

Rose - posted on 01/15/2011

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Sexual abuse does not always mean "sex", it could be inappropriate touching, etc. There is a reason why your daughter is saying these things about his....You should be able to tell whether your husband looks at little girls the same way he looks at you when he wants some action.

If you notice that, then I wouldn't wait for "proof", just get away from him....why risk it?? No one is worth it over your kids safety and trust. There are plently of men out there! And I'd rather be alone than with someone I couldn't trust around my kids!

Kelly - posted on 01/14/2011

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@Pink, Marsa & Heather. I have already done all of the things you have suggested. I called the police, I called CPS, she has had a physical exam that reveiled nothing abnormal and my 3 girls and I are all in therapy. The detective investigating the case said that the DA probably won't pick it up because there is not enough evidence, that it is a he said she said situation. It blows my mind that it isn't taken as serious as you would think.....maybe I just don't fully understand the legal system but I'm pretty certain that he will have no consequences behind this, which is super frustrating, if he did this he needs to be held accountable and also not able to do it again to another child....who knows if my daughter was his first,,,,my husband is 24 years older than me and if he did this I just can't see this being his first time. I don't know how long he had been grooming my daughter, she said the abuse went on for years. I can't believe I never saw anything, not a hint of anything. You would think that if something this horrible was happening in your home that you would have some sense that something is not right, but I didn't. I feel foolish because of that. All of his children from his first marraige (which are my age) are furious with me as if I made these allegations up. I've had to deal with them showing up at my home to physically harm me, They've come with car loads of people, throwing rocks at my windows trying to break them, trying to break into my house and steal my belongings....they actually got my laptop and I had my Facebook account open, they changed my username and password and have posted stupid comments and responded to messages sent by friends just saying horrible things....they have even threatened my 12 year old with violence......it was totally out of control for a while. But I moved and changed my number and so that drama has subsided, thankfully

Heather - posted on 01/14/2011

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Divorce him. If he is doing this to your 12 year old then he is and will do it to your 2 children also. Of course he said he didn't do it. Why would he admit the truth when he knows what kind of trouble he would be in. Please put your daughter in Therapy and get that sick man out of your life.

Marsa - posted on 01/14/2011

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I agree with everyone here that your Daughters need to see a pediatric gynecologist. If there is physical evidence of previous abuse, charges need to be filed. Secondly, from what you describe of your daughter telling you what happened it was beyond what she would know sexually for her age. This is a big sign that abuse has in fact taken place. Your daughters and you need therapy. To preserve your relationship with your children this needs to be investigated fully, it doesn't seem that has been the case. Since she told you about the abuse, if you don't seek help for her you could be considered an accessory if a crime has taken place. You have a moral and a legal obligation to your daughters.

PINK-DAWG - posted on 01/14/2011

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you never want to tell that child or make her think,you dont believe her.stand by her,be humble and loving and understanding to her,i dont know what your going threw but to push her away would crush her and she needs to be loved and know that its not her fault,the truth will be told,god is good

Kelly - posted on 01/14/2011

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@Jen, you are right on target and I have done that. CPS got me involved with some very helpful resources that include counseling for everyone involved. My husband is adament that he did nothing even remotely close to what she is accusing him of....which doesn't really mean anything either way, if he did do it I doubt he would admit and if he didn't this would be the natural response.

I am terribly sorry that you yourself was a victim of such a horrible thing. This effects victims in so many ways and can send you down a path which may not be within your best interests. It doesn't have to ruin your life if you take advantage of the resources available and because this is so common....which I had no idea of how common this was until it happened to my family. I also have the support of my church, my bishop was the first person I went to for outside support....I did have a close friend with me when I was talking with my daughter who held me because I was hysterical, just beside myself.

I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting the molester, I'm sure that wasn't an easy task, you were probably nervous, scared angry sad. I'm hoping you got something out of it, closure, peace of mind, forgiveness....something to help you grow and move forward even more than you already have. I understand when you say secret, the sad thing is that victims often feel guilt and they did NOTHING wrong....the whole thing just breaks my heart to know there are monsters out there that have no problems ruining lives and families.
Thank you so much for your comments and advice. I look forward to speaking with you again. xoxoxoxo

Jen - posted on 01/14/2011

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I am joining this conversation late, but have a few things that I would like to throw out there.
Contact your local Child Advocacy Center, tell them what you know and they will handle it from there. My stepdaughter went through the testing twice. The first time, the accusations were false..second time...it was without a doubt true. My stepdaughter is now in therapy for what happened to her many years ago.

I have seen 12 year olds act out in numerous ways.

1) she is 12 and doesn't want to come to her step-dad's house for some other reason and thinks the only way out is something extreme.

2) shes mad about something and is seeking revenge

3) this is true...and you MUST take her word and have her tested (physical/psychological). You husband/her stepfather shouldn't have a problem with this..just because either way she is reaching out for help.

I have a lot more to say..but going to wait until I read through the rest of the posts...

I, myself am a victim of child molestation...and just now...this week confronted the guy that molested me (this week). This is a horrible secret/weight to carry for the rest of her life... (((HUGS)))

[deleted account]

I would believe your daughter and have an immediate psych evail done. I too have 2 daughters and they would be removed from the home immediately. This is not to say that your husband is guilty. There needs to be an investigation to get to the bottom of things. I come from divorced parents and it wreaked havoc on my emotional state well into my adult life... that said, if your daughter is not telling the truth, she needs professional help. If your husband is innocent, he will (hopefully) understand your desire to first protect your children in a case like this. Hopefully your marriage can survive this if he is innocent.
Another piece of advice, until the truth is known, keep this private within your family. Do not spread rumors and you need to seek professional help immediately as well. Naturally, you are at a loss with how to deal with this type of situation, as most of us first-timers would be. I cannot imagine this happening in my family. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Shiquita - posted on 01/14/2011

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well, i know how that feel cause when i was 12 years old my step father molested me up til i was 16 years old, and he denied to the fullest that he didnt do it... i went to court and the judge called me a liar and the police, not even listening to my side of the story.. so i decided to drop the case... i was truly hurt. it took me years to get over it sometimes today im not sure if my mother believed me or not but she did get a divorce.. sometimes i feel the blame. he was also my youngest brother father, he is 17 now and he don't know nothing about it. my step father passed away a year ago.. but the point is believe your daughter cause having ur mother trust and support is the biggest thing. believe me.. i went through therapy and i was n high school so it was so hard.. not being comfortable around men cause you'll always have n the back of ur mind "what if it happen to me again"

Codie - posted on 01/14/2011

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I am a young woman, 19, and at 14 i was a victim of voyerism by my father. my parents were never in a relationship and can't stand each other. everyone in my mom's family believed me. no one in my father's family did.

try to read between the lines. did you notice anything unusual between the 2 of them? i doubt that if your husband did this he would show signs to you, however if this were truely happening your daughter would have shown resistance to him completely. especially when she was old enough to know it was wrong no matter what he said about it to make her think it was ok.

think about how she acted when you spoke with her about it. when i told my mom about my dad peeping at me, i was frantic. i couldnt wait to get away from him and i had my mom take me to the police immediately. i wanted him to pay for what he'd done to me.

does she act now as if nothing ever happened? i cried and was so upset. i hated my dad and couldn't stand the thought of him.

you should believe her but no doubt at this age children are fully capable of being manipulative.
ex; my aunt had a run in with cps bc her 8yo told the school that his mom and step father beat him. when his mom asked him why he would say a thing like that when he knew it wasn't true. his response was that she'd grounded him and he wanted to get her in trouble because she made him mad!

have your daughter and husband always had a rocky relationship or has he done anything lately that could make her want to hurt him? these are all things you should consider. and watch.

religious beliefs- if you're religious, pray. if you're not, don't.
if you have christian views, i do, i believe this and you can if you'd like or not. which ever. i don't think anyone should be judged for their own beliefs or lack there of. anyway i believe that God doesn't control people. their thoughts, decisions, actions, or even if they follow him because he gave the gift of choice and free will. God only controls the outcome of situations and only if you let him. He was not controling your husband if and when he did this horrible thing to your daughter. He can only help guide you in your next steps as to what to do if want Him to and if you ask Him to.

like i said, believe or not. thats completely up to you. i won't judge you for not believing and others shouldn't judge you for believing or not.

good luck and know that you are doing your absolute best to resolve the situaiton. you are a good mom!

Kelly - posted on 01/13/2011

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@Lisa, true enough and a good point. Either way, what I mean by either way is....if I didn't believe her, which I do, but if I didn't I would NEVER EVER let on that I didn't. When this first came up I really thought I was going to hear some crazy made up story and I was trying to think of how I was going to try and play it off that I believed her but the moment she spoke I knew immediately she was telling the truth, I really tried to stay strong for her and not cry but I just couldn't. My girlfriend was with me when my daughter told me this story over the phone and I just cried and cried and cried, my friend held me for about an hour and a half as I sobbed, she was even crying too. I never saw this coming, no hint of anything inappropriate,nothing. It makes you feel stupid when you find out something like this was going on right under your nose and you had no clue. And that it went on for so long, years and I didn't see anything wrong. I'm not a dumb woman, I am smart, I pay attention to my surroundings, I constantly have lengthy discussions with my girls, even my 4 year old.....and this still took me by complete surprise.

Lisa - posted on 01/13/2011

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Belive your child...a yonge girl can't make up stories to make you having chills...

Kelly - posted on 01/13/2011

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@Julie.....ummm, instead of being offensive why don't you try reading???? Perhaps your head should be plucked from the sand. My husband is not in the home! And as far as ripping on Doreen for her faith, I don't subscribe to Atheism, without faith I'm not sure where I would be today. So Doreens comments regarding faith or anything else for that matter and absolutely welcomed and even encouraged.Thanks so much for your input!

Brieanne - posted on 01/13/2011

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keep persisting.... keep it up eventually they will get so annoyed with you they will do it.. meanin that she is little you will have to file charges aginst him for her and always call child welfare services they are required to do a in home check when there is a complaint made... its hard i know i have been through it. and if you take her to a doctor alot of times there is some kind of evidence!! check it out i hope u and your family can get through this!! it may be hard and my parents never belived me and dont let your daughter go through that thinking no one believes me it will be the worst thing in the end!

Kristy - posted on 01/13/2011

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dear you need to belive your daughter you have to get her to talk to the police with out you there so that they can see that you have not steered her in any way and you need to get her to see a counsller it will help her an dyou need to see one to so you can work through what you are feeling

Julie - posted on 01/12/2011

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Oh Doreen please. The only person who has any control is the Mother of this child. If HE had control this wouldnt have happend.

Julie - posted on 01/12/2011

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OMG. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ask your husband to leave UNTIL this is orted out.
GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SAND!

Doreen - posted on 01/12/2011

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It takes the grace of God to stride through this. Pray to him for protection on all ur love ones. Finally, RELAX, He's in control

Kelly - posted on 01/12/2011

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@Liz wow! thank you for your response. It blows me away how common this is. Especially in the United States, I've done some research and in some countries it is relatively non existent.....like Africa (certain parts) within certain cultures young girls aren't even within arms reach of males, therefore the rate of sexual abuse is super low, there is something to be learned from these cultures....don't quote me on this one but I think the same is true in China also....but again, I could be wrong.....it has happened once or twice before with me lol

[deleted account]

I didn't read through everything so sorry if I'm repeating something already said.

The best thing you could have done was to get him out and you did. CPS took my younger siblings after my mom refused to divorce my dad and he is now in prison and has been for almost 10 years. Only some of what he was convicted of was true and he took a lie detector but that doesn't matter in court. Stay in very close contact with her counselor, the guidance is there and they are very good at reading between the lines. If there was any professional doubt about what your daughter experienced you would probably know by now though.

Stay strong and keep being there for your kids. Good luck

Kristy - posted on 01/12/2011

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You do the safest thing for all of your children and is to ask your husband to leave. Never take his word over your child's word that is our duty as a mother. You were not able to protect her for something that you did not know was going on but now that it has been brought to light you have to do what is best for your daughters even if you find out years later that it was a lie. You will never be able to doubt that you did the right thing to protect them. Even if it was a story at your daughters were safe as you could make them. Do not stress over the things you can not fix only the things that you can. You can take your daughters word and protect her but if you take your husbands word and she is hurt again then you will feel worse because you failed her. Seek family counseling and tell your self you did what was best. Good luck!

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